E159: Breaking the Fixer Pattern

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to put down the heavy mantle of "the strong one" and finally breathe? That question lies at the heart of this deeply personal exploration of over-functioning and the quiet cost it extracts from our lives.

Drawing from her own journey, Cynthia shares the story of how she became the ultimate fixer—the HR professional who held corporate secrets and smoothed conflicts, the capable one at home, the friend with all the right words. While the world rewarded her for holding everything together, something essential was slipping away: her connection to herself. Through vivid storytelling, she reveals how this pattern of over-functioning creates an imbalance where we carry more than our share while others carry less than theirs.

The transformation begins with simple yet profound questions: What if you didn't fix this? Who are you when you're not managing everyone else's feelings? How does trust feel in your body? These inquiries open doorways back to our authentic selves—not through perfection or control, but through presence, compassion, and conscious choice-making. Cynthia unveils her vision for "Be the Light," a new community designed for those ready to stop shape-shifting and start living from their truth.

Whether you're the one everyone leans on or you're searching for your own inner compass, this episode offers a gentle reminder that your knowing has never left you. It's been waiting patiently for you to remember it was there all along. Ready to reclaim your path? Your inner light is already guiding the way.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Unchartered and Unfiltered
• 1:28 The Little Girl on the Bus
• 5:51 The Cost of Being the Fixer
• 9:35 Returning to Self-Trust
• 13:11 Be the Light Community Introduction
• 16:23 Closing Invitation and Reflection

Transcript

Cynthia: 0:06

Welcome to, unchartered and Unfiltered, the journey back to you. I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break free from the noise and dive deep into what truly matters you. If you're tired of the shoulds, the expectations and the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn't serve you, you're in the right place. This isn't a podcast about easy answers or sugar-coated advice. This is your invitation to reclaim your path, embrace the unknown and become the bold, unapologetic version of yourself that's been waiting to show up. It's time to get unfiltered. Let's get started. Unfiltered, let's get started. Hello, hello, beautiful soul, it is Cynthia Jamieson and I'm so glad to be here with you today. If you're new to me and my work, welcome, welcome, welcome. And if you have been here since the beginning or somewhere in between, welcome back. And today, before we dive in, I want to tell you what this conversation is going to be about. If you have ever been the one holding it all together at work, at home, in friendships, this episode is for you, and by the end of our time together today, you are going to recognize some of the quiet everyday ways that being the strong one can slowly wear down your self-trust. You will hear how over-functioning shows up and what it quietly costs you. You will learn the kinds of questions that can help you shift out of fixer mode and back into your own knowing of fixer mode and back into your own knowing. You will get a glimpse of what life and leadership feel like when you stop managing everyone else's feelings and start honoring your own, and you will hear about something that I have been creating behind the scenes. It is a community for those of us who are ready to stop shape-shifting and start leading and living from our light. So if you have been carrying more than your share or if you have been waiting for permission to trust yourself again, you are in the right place.

Cynthia: 2:21

So let's get into it. So I want you to imagine for a moment. Just picture this a six-year-old girl, curious, determined, a little bold, and she climbs onto a bus by herself to go to church and no one told her to, no one made her. She just knew something bigger was calling and she trusted it. That little girl was me. Yes, I was that kid, part fiercely independent part. Now I know mystic in training, and that tiny, tiny, brave moment.

Cynthia: 3:05

That was just the start of a journey that I am still on today and you can fast forward a lot of years, and I find one of the very few childhood photos that I still have. There's a picture of me my arm is around my cousin. I'm standing inside my grandparents' white picket fence, which is in much need of a fresh coat of paint. We should just say, and I just want to say a moment about this, I want to say something about this fence, because that fence felt like home, like safety, like a boundary that whispered in here you're held. It was as if my grandparents' hands were outstretched and just wrapped them around the property and that I was inside of it. That's how it felt.

Cynthia: 4:07

For me, this is the most meaningful go-to memory in my mind and it is the memory that I love the most, because I don't even have to close my eyes, but I'm automatically right now, closing my eyes and going back to that moment and sitting there on a blanket, playing with my tea set, and the window is open in the kitchen and the curtains are coming out through the window and my grandparents are talking and I can hear them, and it's just this beautiful, beautiful memory, and I have no idea if it's skewed or not. All I know is it's my memory and I raise this because this photo is is really important to me, because most of my photos well everything was lost in a house fire, but most of the photos were lost in a house fire as well. And this one, this particular one, it made its way back to me and I like to think that it knew that I needed the reminder, because that's how self-trust works it holds on in the background quietly, just waiting for you to remember that it was there all along, that it's never gone anywhere, and so you had that once too. You know that version of you who acted on a knowing, without permission, without a plan, without needing anyone to sign off on anything, to give you approval for anything, to validate you for anything. And they're still in there and somewhere in between that little girl on the bus and grown up me, I became the fixer all the time. I will just say, like it's just true, I became a fixer all of the time, and in corporate HR, I was the one that they called when the wheels came off the bus.

Cynthia: 6:14

Of course that was part of my role and I smoothed over the conflicts. I held the secrets. That's one of the things that made me amazing at what I was doing. I kept the leaders calm, I made sure that the teams kept moving forward by helping people resolve conflict. And at home it was the same story. It was me being the strong one, the capable one, the one who could take it all on, the one who was responsible, and in friendships I showed up with the right words, the good advice, the practical help, and I didn't often let people see me need anything, and on the outside it looked like leadership. It even felt like that for me. It looked like strength, it looked like responsibility, it looked like accountability, and it was until it wasn't. And you might know this feeling when your strength is just you, holding everything so tightly in your grip that no one else has to.

Cynthia: 7:26

And here's the truth I over-functioned so that others could under-function. I don't think that was my intention. I don't even think that I was even aware of it. I did, though. I read every room like my life depended on it. I was adjusting myself before anyone else could judge me. I read every room like my life depended on it. I was adjusting myself before anyone else could judge me. I carried other people's pain so they wouldn't have to feel it, and I told myself so many times that being needed was the same as being valued, but it wasn't. But it wasn't. And the cost.

Cynthia: 8:00

I lost touch with what I wanted. I stopped hearing my own body and this connects back to my weight loss journey, which took me, you know, in and around 35 and having to lose a ton of weight because I was so disconnected, I wasn't listening, I wasn't attuned to, I lived with tension in my shoulders, in my jaw, in my back. I had a conversation with a client the other day and, you know, tmj I can't even remember what the acronym stands for anymore, but I had that. I went through that and it's just so interesting to look back because I was so exhausted and at the same time, I was being praised and rewarded for holding it all together and yet, at the same time, invisible in my own life. And I wore this. I've got this badge like a badge and deep down I just wanted someone else to say to me Cynthia, you don't have to. And maybe you've been there. You've probably been there that ache of wanting to be taken care of but not knowing how to let go of the wheel. And I'm hearing so many of my mentors right now and I'm hearing myself too right the only way out is through. The only way to let go of the wheel is to let go of the wheel. But I didn't know that then, and so that's when coaching came for me.

Cynthia: 9:33

And coaching was not a magic one Although I'll be honest with you, I would have absolutely taken one but instead it was this beautiful mirror, a loving, uncomfortable as hell mirror, and this mirror asked me to look at myself, and it asked me things like what if you didn't fix this? Who are you when you're not managing everyone else's feelings? How does trust feel in your body? And that last one still still brings me all the feels and can bring me to tears, because I just didn't know. I just didn't know I had been so busy inside of my own energetic patterns proving, performing and protecting others that I didn't know how to feel safe unless I was in control. And that's how I created that sense of safety for myself. And so if you don't know what trust feels like in your body right now, I want to offer. It's not because you're broken. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is because you have been surviving.

Cynthia: 10:58

And when you're surviving, you are not thriving, you are inside of an energetic pattern that you are addicted to. I was addicted to it. Many, many, many, if not all of my clients are addicted to it, and so there is a way that you can return here. So, for myself, I started to choose differently. Let me just be clear it didn't happen overnight. It's not like oh, I just decided, oh, I see that, let me make all of the changes all at once. And everything was amazing. That's not what happened. But I started to choose differently. Not perfection, not control, not approval, but instead choosing presence, choosing compassion, choosing choice making choices, passion, choosing choice making choices. And on the days that I forget because I still do I have been reminding myself more and more these days.

Cynthia: 11:53

To come back to that little girl, to the one that climbed on the bus, not because she had to, but because something in her knew she didn't wait for permission, she didn't fix anybody else's discomfort. She probably didn't wait for permission. She didn't fix anybody else's discomfort. She probably didn't even know anybody else was even uncomfortable. She just trusted the pull to what she felt called to do. And that that's what I'm returning to every damn day, and maybe, maybe this is why it's actually, why it's not, maybe it's not, maybe there is, no, maybe.

Cynthia: 12:29

This is why I have been building something, quietly behind the scenes, and I will tell you it started as a spark and ember, and I can't remember which episode that I talked about it, but I shared the song about fanning the ember and that's what I have been doing, and so that was very resonant and very true for me, and it is a whisper inside of me that just wouldn't go away. And so for months probably five or six months now I have been tending to this, fanning the flame, trusting the pull, even before I had the full picture. It's like it doesn't even matter what the picture is. I was trusting the pull of what I felt called to do, and now it's ready Be the light is coming to life. What is be the light?

Cynthia: 13:15

It is a community for those of us who are ready to stop shape-shifting, to stop proving, performing and perfecting, and start living and leading from our truth, from our heart, from our light. And so this is a community that will be for the ones who want to say no without guilt and mean it. And, of course, it's going to be a learning, because it's going to be something new that you haven't done before. That's okay, I'm going to get you. I've got you.

Cynthia: 13:42

It's for the places, it's for the people who want to make space for rest and real self-care and self-identify. This is still a journey that I'm still on. I am not perfect. I am an imperfect human being who gets up every day when my feet touch the floor. Every day, it's an opportunity to try again, to choose again, to keep going, to not give up. And this is going to be a space for people to get clear on what truly matters your values, your boundaries, your priorities. It's going to be a space for you to reclaim power at work without waiting for permission. It's going to be a place to clear the clutter inside and out and come home to yourself. And every piece of this has been created with love and so much deep intention, because leadership and life feel different when you're grounded in who you really are.

Cynthia: 14:41

And this week, this last week, I made it official. You can't see me right now, but I have the biggest smile on my face. I bought the platform subscription, I finalized the new website. I'm meeting with my, the person who's been helping me with my website. We're meeting tomorrow morning to sign everything off. And now I'm telling you for the first time.

Cynthia: 15:03

And so if something in your heart just whispered or echoed to you finally, or your body gave you that quiet, yes, there is a place for you here in this community. And if your body whispered, yes, just now, trust that. You don't need to know the whole path yet. Just stay close, because I will be walking it with you. And, by the way, accessibility matters to me, so Be the Light will be including different ways to engage, at various price points, various energy levels and life seasons. So, whether you are in, if you're an all-in or if you're gently circling the edge, you will be welcomed exactly as you are. And so I want to ask you, as I close what is it that you are craving right now? What would it mean to live and lead more from your light? And if something stirred in you, I would love you to come and find me, send me a DM, send me an email, connect with me in some way, because I would love to hear what your inner compass is telling you. And until next time, keep listening to that compass, because it already knows.

Cynthia: 16:23

Welcome to Unchartered and Unfiltered the journey back to you. I am Cynthia Jameson, your host, and this is where we break free from the noise and dive deep into what truly matters you. If you're tired of the shoulds, the expectations and the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn't serve you, you're in the right place. This isn't a podcast about easy answers or sugar-coated advice. This isn't a podcast about easy answers or sugar-coated advice. This is your invitation to reclaim your path, embrace the unknown and become the bold, unapologetic version of yourself that's been waiting to show up. It's time to get unfiltered. Let's get started.