E189: The Decision Before the Decision

Nearly half of us want to change something about our lives, yet most of us do not move. I have been there, and this personal talk is my clearest look at why. Recorded as a TEDx-style origin story during an intensive spiritual direction programme and an 8-day retreat in India led by Dr. Ricci-Jane Adams, it captures the unpolished, human side of leadership: the nerves, the pauses, and the moment truth lands in your body before your brain can explain it.

I take you back to the season when I was an HR professional with decades of experience, working at the world’s largest nuclear power plant, while also coaching leaders across 19 countries. On paper, it looked like security and success. Inside, I felt split. One part of me was performing and proving; another part came alive every evening in the work that felt like calling. Then a return-to-office policy change hit my inbox and turned a quiet discomfort into a real crossroads: choose comfort and certainty, or choose aliveness and expansion.

Along the way, I share the idea that pressure is not always a problem; it is often information that you are out of alignment. We explore why awareness without choice keeps leaders stuck, what fear of losing identity and belonging really does to decision-making, and why self-trust is usually quiet. The core takeaway is simple and demanding: leadership is congruence, living what you say you value, even when it is not perfect.

If a decision keeps circling in your mind, let this be a mirror. Listen, then subscribe, share with someone who needs a nudge back to themselves, and leave a review so more people can find this path of authenticity and self-trust.

Transcript

Welcome And Gratitude

Cynthia Jamieson 0:06

Hello, hello, and welcome back to Uncharted and Unfiltered, a journey back to you. I hope that you are all having an amazing day and week so far. And before we begin today, I just want to take a moment to say thank you. Whether you have been listening since the early days, found the podcast somewhere along the way, or this happens to be your very first episode with me, I am grateful you are here. I know that there are a lot of podcasts that you could choose to spend your time with and that you probably do. And the fact that you have chosen to spend some of your day with me is something that I never take for granted. I appreciate you so much for

India Program And Embodied Leadership

Cynthia Jamieson 0:49

that. And today I have something a little different for you. I in February traveled to India as part of an intensive spiritual direction program led by Dr. Ricky Jane Adams. And at this stage of my life, I will tell you, I wasn't looking for another certification or another leadership model or any more information. I was looking for a deeper relationship with myself. And the work that we are doing is focused on spiritual leadership, which is really awakening consciousness and learning how to live in greater alignment with who you truly are. And my intention in doing that is so that I can help others do the same. And what drew me into the program was the idea that leadership isn't something we do, it's something that we embody. It is about becoming the work, living it, embodying it, and allowing your life to become an expression and a demonstration of what it is that you believe and what it is that you teach. As part of the program, we created and delivered a TUD X style talk that came from an origin story. And this episode that I want to share with you today is that talk. And what's interesting is that this talk has become part of something bigger in my work. And over the last few months, I have found myself returning again and again to these themes of disconnection, self-abandonment, self-trust. And just last week I submitted a 1500 word, a book exploring those ideas. And I am deep in the work now of expanding that into something larger, a bigger expression, a deeper exploration in the format of a 10,000-word thesis and ultimately a book. Before I had language for it, before I fully understood where it was leading me.

Fear, Pauses, And Imperfect Courage

Cynthia Jamieson 3:07

And before we begin, I should probably tell you a few things. The first is I was absolutely terrified. So terrified, in fact, that before I went on stage, I had packets of tissues, you know, those little tiny ones that you can get, um, tucked underneath my armpits because I was sweating so much. And I was so aware that everyone could see it when I was on this stage that we had created. And I wanted to share that with you because that is the glamorous side of leadership that nobody talks about, right? We're not talking about confidence or certainty here or having things all figured out. Just being a human being, standing in front of other human beings, sharing something that matters, sharing yourself, your ideas, your story. And one other thing that I want to make sure that I share with you is if you hear pauses throughout this talk, those pauses are real. They are the moments when I was searching for the next word or the next thought or simply taking a breath. It was more of the first two. And I think that's so important to say because sometimes things can look so polished from the outside when they're not. Sometimes it can feel like you were standing in the eye of the storm while everybody else's perspective is that there's a calm lake there, and both are true. Leadership often looks like that. So for me, inside I was nervous, and outside I was standing on the stage. Inside I was questioning myself for my talk, and outside I was delivering it. So again, I, if I'm being completely honest with you, which I always am, when I first listened to this talk afterward, I judged it. I compared myself to the other speakers because we all were there listening to the other speakers. There were eight different talks that day. And I had thought about all of the things that I could have said differently, that I could have done differently, that I could have done quote unquote better and been more polished with. And I questioned whether it was good enough. So of course I tucked it away. But last week something happened. As I was writing this ebook, I felt called to go back and to listen to it again. And this time I heard something completely different. I didn't hear perfection, I didn't hear judgment, I heard truth. I heard my own story. I heard a woman who was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. And I heard someone who was willing to stand on stage and share what was real for her. And that's the thing about leadership, isn't it? It's not perfection. It's not like there's something, someplace that we're trying to get to, because it's here in the moment. It's not about performing and proving and having the perfect words. And it is about having the courage and the humility to tell the truth, your truth, the truth of your experience, the truth of what you have learned, the truth of who you are becoming. And I know that many of you have heard bits and pieces of my story before. And this version goes a little deeper. It is, um, in my view, and this could just be me because it's my experience of it, it's raw, it's real, it's imperfect. And now I'm willing to share it because I believe that it is medicine for someone who needs it. So as you listen, I invite you to think about your own life, your own leadership, and where might you be circling a decision that will make sense to you as you listen? Where might you already know the truth, but you're not yet trusting yourself enough to act on it? And where might life be asking something of you? So without any further ado, let's begin.

Why Most People Do Not Act

Cynthia Jamieson 7:05

Nearly half of us want to change our professional or our personal lives. Yet most of us don't act. Four years ago, that was me. I would have been in the most of us category that wasn't willing to face what was calling me. I was at the time, it was just after the COVID pandemic, on the heels of it. I was an HR professional and I had been for 37 years. I loved my work. It was impactful, powerful, expansive. I was working at the world's largest nuclear power plant at the time. I had the title, the benefits that promise safety and security for my entire life. I was so incredibly lucky. Yet inside I felt drained. I felt split. I was living two lives, you see. During the the day, I was the responsible HR professional. I was performing. Even though I loved it, I was still proving.

Two Lives And Quiet Burnout

Cynthia Jamieson 8:44

And in the evening, I had started my own business and I was coaching leaders across 19 countries. And I was having the time of my life. I was helping them co-create and change not only their lives, but everything around them, their families, their teams, their organizations, their communities, the generations that are coming after them. And yet I was in this dance. I was feeling pressure. And then I was feeling alive. And here's what's interesting about that. My body knew well before my beautiful brain did, it knew what it wanted. Because it came alive every night. And then every morning I would get up and I would put those corporate clothes back on, promising myself maybe someday, later, a few more of those fat bonus checks.

Pressure As Alignment Information

Cynthia Jamieson 10:14

And I learned that pressure isn't actually a problem. But what it is instead is information. It was notifying me that I was out of alignment with who I was as a leader, as a human. And that was important to me. And yet I did not take full responsibility for my life. Did you know life is not a dress rehearsal? I had forgotten that. I had completely, absolutely forgotten all of that. And my brilliance, my ego decided it was in charge. And then one beautiful morning, I was sitting at my desk and my house coke, because it was still COVID, and you could do that. And I still remember the sound of all of those emails coming in with all of the opportunities for me to prove and perform and perfect all day long. But one of those emails was a policy change.

Return To Office Crossroads

Cynthia Jamieson 11:38

The CEO had announced return to office. And suddenly I felt this internal conflict. My entire body went into this indecision. And I was faced with a crossroads. Which path was I going to take? Was I going to choose comfort, safety? Was I going to choose calling, aliveness, expansion, transformation? All my life, the only thing I've ever wanted to do is make a difference between my dash, between the day I was born and the day that I will leave this worth and take this world and take my last exhale. What I do with that one tiny dash is the most important work I will ever have in this one life. And I learned something very powerful from that. Awareness. But without choice. Without choice. This was about loss of control of safety, security, external approval, relationships, belonging, identity. And then I learned something even more powerful than that. Even though there's a fear of loss of control, because what you know is so familiar to you that what you don't know is scary. So scary that this is where leaders get stuck. Because they're fearing the loss of control, the loss of identity. But yet behind that was a possibility that we could step into if we were courageous enough to stand in the truth, let our mind and our body make the choice for which it is clearly calling. We create a possibility to step into the capacity, the potential, everything that we have yet to be and yet to become. I thought I had made it that day that I made the decision, but that's for another day. What I needed in that moment, what I was called to in that moment, was to trust.

Trust Is Quiet, Leadership Is Congruence

Cynthia Jamieson 15:02

And I had voices in my head vying for different opinions. You've worked so hard. You can't walk away from this security. It's only five more years. But then I heard this deeper, quiet voice. And what if you feel like this every single day for five years? So I made a decision. I trusted. And that day I learned that trust is not loud. Trust is quiet. Trust knew. It knew that I could always find another job. There are dime a dozen. It didn't know what I was capable of, what I could create. The visions that I would turn to life. And what I learned from this experience that I want to share with you today is that leadership isn't in performing or proving or perfecting or living inside your patterns. Leadership is congruence. So I remind you to think about if there are any choices you are circling, the decisions you are circling. When you have awareness, you know that you can see it. You have the opportunity to choose something different. And I invite you to trust yourself. Because there are only so many days that you won't regret that you said yes to yourself. Thank

What Keeps Calling You Back

Cynthia Jamieson 17:04

you. Thank you for listening. It is so interesting, isn't it, how our relationship with our own stories change over time. The version of me that first listened to that heard all the places where it wasn't perfect. And the version of me speaking to you today hears something completely different. I hear a woman learning real time, what it means to trust herself, and I continue to find all the ways and places to do just that. And perhaps that's why this talk has been calling me back, as I realize it has all of the seeds of what is becoming my next body of work. And it feels like it is an important bridge between the ebook and the larger work, and such a beautiful reminder that our work speaks through us long before we finally understand it. So if there's one thing that I hope you take away from today's episode, it is this pay attention to what is calling you back. The idea, the dream, the conversation, the decision, the truth, the thing that won't leave you alone. Sometimes it isn't calling you because you figured it out. Sometimes it's calling you because it's trying to find its way to you. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for witnessing this part of my own journey. And thank you for allowing me to be a part of yours. Until next time, remember, the journey back to you isn't about becoming someone else. It's about trusting who you have been all along. Take care and make it a great week. I hope that you're walking away feeling more aligned with your true self, more confident in the choices ahead, and ready to leave the safe path behind, knowing you've got everything you need within. Remember, the journey to you isn't about finding one perfect direction. It's about trusting yourself enough to explore all of it.

Subscribe And Get Your Inner Compass

Cynthia Jamieson 18:57

If you're ready to dive deeper, join me for the next episode and don't forget to subscribe so that you never miss the next step on your path. I invite you to join my mailing list at www.cynthia JamesonCoach.ca, where we'll deepen our relationship and you can claim your copy of your inner compass, a guide to charting your course to authenticity. Until next time, stay unfiltered, stay true, and most importantly, stay you.