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Rediscovering Self-Worth: Overcoming Abuse and Embracing Mental Wellness

• Dr. Roldan • Season 4 • Episode 2

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Ever wondered how a person rebuilds their life after enduring severe abuse? Join us for an enlightening conversation with Sarah Nicole, a dynamic creative photographer and podcaster who shares her empowering journey. Sarah opens up about her transition from an abusive marriage to rediscovering her passion for photography and podcasting, especially during the turmoil of the COVID-19 pandemic. She emphasizes the crucial roles that therapy, supportive partners, and strong support systems played in helping her regain her creative energy and thrive as an entrepreneur with ADHD. Tune in for an empowering story of resilience, recovery, and self-worth.
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IG: @sarahnicolecreative
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Disclaimer: It's essential to note that while I am a therapist, this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. The stories and discussions shared here are meant to inform and inspire but should not replace professional advice or support. 

National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)
Website: https://www.thehotline.org
Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Love Is Respect (Youth/Teen DV Support)
Website: https://www.loveisrespect.org
Phone: 1-866-331-9474
Text: Text "LOVEIS" to 22522
Domestic Violence Support Groups:
DomesticShelters.org
Website: https://www.domesticshelters.org
Women’s Law (Legal Assistance)
Website: https://www.womenslaw.org
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
Website: https://ncadv.org
Futures Without Violence
Website: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org
The Hotline (Latina Resource Center)
Website: https://espanol.thehotline.org

Emergency Helplines

Speaker 1:

Hey, I'm Sarah Nicole. I am a multi-passionate creative photographer based in Fresno, california. I specialize in events, retreats, personal branding and some couples here and there. I also have a podcast called A Creative Dating, where we focus on life healing and dating through abuse and trauma. You can find me on Instagram Sarah Nicole Creative or Creative Dating Artist.

Speaker 2:

Hello beautiful souls, and welcome to Oroasis Community Podcast. I am Dr Roldan, your host. I am a doctor in clinical psychology, a BIPOC therapist professor and a mindful somatic coach. While I am a therapist, remember I'm not your therapist. This podcast is not a substitute for professional mental health care, but we have resources in our website and Instagram to support you in that search. We have resources in our website and Instagram to support you in that search.

Speaker 2:

Join us for a cozy, felt conversation about mental health, personal growth and mindfulness. We explore tools to care for your mind, your body and your soul. Check the footnotes for disclaimer, trigger warnings and additional resources for each one of the episodes. So grab your favorite cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a warm blanket and find a coffee spot here with us to be kind to be brave, loud and strong in your search of mental health wellness. Welcome to your Oasis. Good morning everybody and welcome to Our Oasis community podcast. As always, grab your little cup of coffee, tea or a warm or cold, depending where you are beverage. We are here with Sarah Nicole, who is a multi-passionate entrepreneur and also a podcaster. I will put all her information below this episode, but today we have her journey in finding herself and how.

Speaker 3:

Now she is an entrepreneur and a podcaster. So, sarah, thank you so much for being here. Eight years ago and that kind of that was never something that I thought I was going to do. I, as a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to be single no kids, never married. Travel the world Like that was that was my life plan. Life decided there were other plans for me and we just kind of learned how to embrace it right through the crazy and the chaos. But so about eight years ago, when I was pregnant with my daughter my now ex-husband he actually encouraged me to pick up my camera.

Speaker 3:

Our marriage, our relationship, was very abusive, very toxic. So the two good things I always say the two good things, the two good lessons that came out of that were my daughter and my photography. So with that, I spent the first few years just kind of fumbling, figuring it out, learning how to do all the stuff as a creative. The business side is way more difficult for me. That took many years to kind of learn how to actually do the business side successfully. And then about three no, four years ago, when I was still in my marriage, I started finding these online communities with other women and that was kind of my first introduction into like the women's empowerment space and truly focusing on like the mental health space, because I've always been a psychology nerd I'm actually planning on going back to school for psychology next year so it's always just kind of been something there, but it was, you know, when you were, when you're in trauma, when you're in abuse, it's not front of mind to think about your own mental health and making it better, because you're typically stuck in in the trauma, in in the in the dark space that I was in. So when I found those online communities of like-minded women who are also entrepreneurs, who were also moms and wives, you know it was my first experience into that, which then also got me into podcasting and so, like, I started guesting on podcasts and I fell in love with it. And then my friend Lauren and I actually started a podcast right during COVID. That was my first like podcast of my own and it was about being moms, moms in business. So it was a lot of a lot of business chat, a lot of mom chat. And then COVID happened and it just kind of evolved into this COVID chaos, kind of figuring out how to do life and mom business with COVID.

Speaker 3:

And then in 2021 is when I finally left my marriage and I think about the first year off from everything. I stopped photography, I stopped podcasting, I stopped doing anything creative that I was doing and just kind of focus on my mental health. And then once I kind of started getting a grip on my mental health and I slowly started getting back into it. But I mean, you know, mental health and healing it's not a linear journey. So there were a lot of fallbacks and comebacks and fallbacks and comebacks throughout the last three years. So this year, actually in the last couple of months, somebody new come into my life and has really helped me catapult on focusing and pausing and pausing and between him and being in therapy twice a week, that has been a huge catalyst into really being able to focus and be a present mama and be, you know, a very multi passionate, creative entrepreneur. You know like, if you're creative, you know like if you're creative, you know that it's you're. I also have ADHD, so we're gonna we're gonna try to like, not do tangents on your show.

Speaker 1:

Tangents are like a thing on my show all the time.

Speaker 3:

I hate it um, but yeah, so I mean my, it's been a very long journey um. It's been a very rocky journey um. The biggest components for me in literally just being here today um have been having a very, very strong support system of like-minded women um a person who makes sure that he helps keep me accountable. He is very front of mind, very present um and therapy oh, he goes also to therapy, right?

Speaker 2:

oh, he calls, oh, he keeps you accountable for therapy it. So I heard that you said you're near as spicy ADHD and also that it took you a minute to get out of a bad situation with your ex, which a lot of people don't realize. That when we have, say, adhd, when we have ADHD, we have something called the rejection paradox, meaning we take rejection worse than anybody else, which it will keep you in that loop in a toxic relationship. Because what is the premise of a toxic relationship? They bomb you with love and attention and then they strip you with your self-esteem and then, boom, either they abuse the stars physical, emotional or sexual and we don't leave because we know we want to leave but we don't because we feel like it's a rejection. Also, it's a fixer upper dream, right? We want to fix the people because nobody was there when we needed it kind of stuff. Fix the people because nobody was there when we needed it, kind of stuff.

Speaker 2:

So can you talk about more about? Because that's a big eczema for women, right why you didn't left. Statistics show that to leave any abusive relationship it takes seven times that's the average seven times to leave, right, but the outsiders they say, oh, just leave, or blah, blah, blah. Right, friends try good intentions.

Speaker 2:

But what will you tell to our clueless friends that are in the other side if they're dealing with a friend or acquainted or a loved one that is in a toxic relationship or even in an abusive relationship? How can they help them to get out without making them feel shame about it? Because I know that a lot of my clients me myself I experienced that, having an abusive relationship, it was the shame that we failed to say anything. So we always say only the colorful, nice things of the partner right, nothing is wrong, everything is peachy. And when things are not going peachy, we feel insulated, not only because that's part of the cycle, but also we feel insulated because we don't know what to do. We don't want to leave because we don't know how. So what you will say to the women that is either in the start of, in the middle of, and how do you get out?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I mean in that, like you said, like statistics do show, it takes typically seven times of trying to leave before a woman will successfully or a man will successfully leave anybody in that situation in domestic abuse, you know. And with that you know once that seventh time hits. I don't remember the exact statistics, but I know that there is a good majority that once you get to that seventh or eighth time, you're lucky to make it out of locks. Um, so it's, it's something that it's. It's hard. It really is like you, I I did.

Speaker 3:

I did tell my girlfriends like my, my best friend knew everything you know. And it was this kind of weird dichotomy where I did tell some of my friends when I was an auditory processor, I'm a verbal processor, so in order for me, nine times out of 10, to actually process something, I have to have a sounding board, I have to like call up a friend and be like, oh my God, this just happened, what do I do? Or just like vent it out, right, and so they knew. But then it also was this dichotomy that it got to the point where it was like they just got tired of hearing it because I wasn't listening Right, because I was still there. So it was kind of like well, sarah, get your shit together. Yeah, knock it off. Oh, can I cuss on here?

Speaker 3:

Yes, it's okay, they're adults, you know.

Speaker 3:

Get it together and leave, or or or stop complaining it's okay, you know but for me personally, um, there were, there were multiple facets that kept me in it. Um, the biggest one was my daughter after I had her, because I knew how he was and I didn't trust him to be alone with her. Um, cause I know he, I knew he couldn't handle his anger, I knew he couldn't handle his outbursts, I knew if he had a drop of alcohol, like she was in jeopardy if I was not around. And I know money, kids and I mean I feel those are probably the two most common factors of not leaving an abusive relationship. So for me, you know, he was a covert narcissist, so we're an overt narcissist. They, they are very, very flamboyant, they're very everybody, you know, loves me and they're so energetic and charismatic. Where he, on the other hand, was a covert, where he was just kind of I didn't realize how, how he was, until we were about a year in Um, and by that point, all the love bombing and all the gaslighting, I was in it hook line and sinker right Like there was no going back at that point in my head Now, once, our daughter was born in 2016,.

Speaker 3:

Um, so she was born September 15th, so her birthday is actually coming up and then we got married September 30. You know, he told me, he told me for years I don't ever want to get married again because he's divorced. I don't ever want to get married again, I don't ever want to do that. I pushed it and after lots of therapy, lots of self reflection, like, I came to the realization that I pushed it to make it like on a subconscious level, to make it harder for me to leave, which that's a whole other mess of crazy in my head. That happened, but, you know, the first time that he ever was physical, because all of the abuse up to that point was mental, emotional and verbal, which that is, yeah, see, here we go, tangents, I'm kind of going all over the place, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

Hold on Before you continue.

Speaker 3:

For people who you know they're on that.

Speaker 2:

Go ahead. I was going to say just trigger warning for everybody that's listening. Probably right now we're going to dive to more DV and probably other tensions. But this is your advice that if you need to take care of yourself or you're going through this, please go to the program notes. We have support groups, we have the headlines in there and just know that you're not alone. But if right now, either because where you are or who you are with, or where you are in your journey of healing, you cannot listen to this, we are totally okay. You can go to the next episode, or I highly recommend go to the next episode, or I highly recommend go to the meditation episode, just to ground yourself. And I want everybody to take care of themselves Because I know when we hear things like this we may get triggered or bring back to that memory. So this is your trigger warning for everybody.

Speaker 3:

So you know, going, going back to you know why don't you leave? I feel a lot of people, if you've, if you've been lucky enough to never be put into an abusive situation um or an abusive relationship, um, you don't take into account all the other forms of abuse, like it's not just physical abuse. Physical is the one that the outside world sees, but there's financial abuse. Physical is the one that the outside world sees, but there's financial abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. You know, and that is an abuser uses those tactics early on the love bombing, the gaslighting to get you emotionally and mentally so invested um that you don't feel like you have the ability to leave. Like, like with with my ex um, he brought myself forth down so low um and drove it home. Like you know, every time there was a fight it would be you know, very, very specific, very derogatory insults um, that kept me in that like very lower vibrational space.

Speaker 3:

Um, and was that was probably the number one factor that made it really really hard to leave was because I didn't think I deserved. I thought I deserved what I got. I didn't think I deserved to be out of this. I didn't think I deserved to be happy or healthy or you know all of the things that I saw in the outside world, outside of my marriage. And after our daughter was born, she was about maybe three or four months old and we were living in an RV on my parents' property and he had been drinking and I don't even know what sparked this particular fight, but my son was.

Speaker 3:

My son was about seven and a half, almost eight, and my daughter was you know, three or four months old, and he started a fight, and so I sent my son over to my parents house and within five minutes maybe, his hands were around my throat. I was on the ground while holding our daughter. My dad had to physically pull him off of me right. I was on the ground while holding our daughter. My dad had to physically pull him off of me right. So after that, he never was physical again until the night that I had him arrested and left in 2021.

Speaker 3:

But in my head, anytime there was a verbal or an emotional or some sort of other form of abuse, my brain automatically went to well, you didn't leave when he put his hands on you. This is nowhere near as bad as that. Why are you going to leave now? You can't leave now. That, like, my brain tried to justify the two, the two and why? Well, if you didn't leave now, you can't like. If you didn't leave now, you can't like. If you didn't leave, then you can't leave now. Um and I I know I've heard this from other survivors who have come out, that's a very common occurrence like your brain, just it makes you think, well, if it wasn't bad enough to leave, then you're fine, you don't. You're fine, you don't have to leave, um, or you know what? What? What is so bad now versus this experience? That was way worse. This is nothing compared to that.

Speaker 3:

So, for me, finally leaving, I couldn't even tell you. You know, it was like I had. I had just had enough think it was. I had gotten to the point where, oh, I remember exactly what it was. I was with one of my girlfriends and we were hanging out and we were, you know, it was like her and her brother and a few other friends, and they had a very traumatic, very abusive childhood. And you know they're adults and you know I'm a mom of two, and so they're adults and they're sitting around, you know, drinking, hanging out with friends, and they're just telling these stories about their abusive childhood like it's these funny anecdotes, right? And I was just like, no, that I do not want that for my children. I do not want my children to grow up and be sitting around with their friends when they're in their 20s and their 30s and being like, oh yeah, my dad beat the shit out of my mom.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker 3:

And we just went in the other room.

Speaker 2:

Right, right, and this is what we talk about Generational trauma. So for some pointers of what you said, eight out of 10 women will suffer an abuse, any kind of use with a romantic partner, and that starts in high school. An abuse any kind of abuse with a romantic partner, and that starts in high school. And so also there are patterns that we learn from home. What do I mean? Our brain is designed to keep us alive, but it's really dumb. He doesn't know what keeping us alive means. What do I mean? We will stay in a horrendous situation because it's familiar to us and it's more scary to go try the new thing in anything.

Speaker 2:

Right, myself also a survivor of domestic abuse. Mine was a little different in the sense of like my girlfriends. But this was, we were two different races. Right, I was not the nice race because I'm the brown one. Right, and my friends were like oh no, you need to keep him because blah, blah, blah. And I was like the back of my head was like are you kidding me? But then it's also if my own group is approving of this, what do I expect? Right, and the same right. It took what? Three hospitalizations before. I was like this is enough, and it wasn't until the perpetrator heard tried to hurt my older mom, that I react. Right, it's always somebody else, it's never us, it's never protecting us.

Speaker 2:

Which brings me to the pop topic of now. That is very popular. I don't know if you have heard or went to see or read. The book ends with us uh, which the problem of the? The movie is pretty, pretty accurate. Um, you have a rich guy, rich woman, pretty woman and all that kind of stuff, and you don't realize when the abuse happens, like they do it so systematically. But the time that is so severe, you are like how did I get here? Right, it's that question that we don't blame the other person, we blame ourselves.

Speaker 2:

So if you are any, any audience that is listening to this, there is three things that I would love for you to have. One of those is like if you think you are in an abusive relationship, there is resources. We have the hotlines, we have their websites and, don't worry, when you go in the website, it completely deletes it from your history. Why? Because our perpetrators, a lot of the time, they have control over their phones, over the internet, over the money. How can we spend it? Why not? One trick that I learned is that you go to the grocery store and every day that you go to the grocery store, you put, like you know, in a gift card you put 10 or $15, because that just appears as groceries. So then you can have a little cushion to leave. Because one thing that people don't understand is like you are dependent on the money of the other person. Not because you don't make them the money, it's because they have control of everything how you dress, how you eat, depending right, how you eat, depending right. And the other thing is like, when you go to these websites or the hotline, they can help you to do a safety plan to escape. They have safety plans to escape because the highest rates of death is the day that we leave. The day that we leave is when a lot of women will take the risk of dying in this. And this is not to tell you the audience don't do it. This is to tell you this is what we need to plan it. This is what we need to. This is why we have so many movies. One of the movies that I always felt compelled to is Wanda J Lowe. I think it's J Lowe that escapes and it has all this elaborated plan that literally she goes into another person, she becomes another person and that story repeats.

Speaker 2:

I used to work with victims of domestic violence and there is shelters where you can go, where there are full apartments, where they will offer you therapy therapy for the kids, and sometimes they help you to go to court to get divorced without being present, to do child caring and the other thing. In the severe cases, we even give a new identity to the person, because it gets that bad that you have to become a new person, right? So if anybody out there is in this situation, I want you to know that you're not alone. We hear you, we love you and there is resources to go out of that situation. It does take time and if you're not ready yet, that's okay. If this message just hit you in the right place, but you feel overwhelmed of not knowing what to do, it's okay. There is resources and everything happens to a different time for everybody.

Speaker 2:

For some of us it took the first two times, for others it took the seventh time and for others they're still in it because we have kids, because we have dependency monetarily, and the other one because we have history in our own lives where we saw this as being okay. So, moving to more happy things, out of all this trauma and traumatic events, there is something that is called trauma growth, meaning because we have expanded so much, we have so much resilience, then now we see life in a very different way. Either we become more compassionate or more cynical. Depends if you have got therapy or you haven't. Right. So for you, what was your trauma growth? What happened afterwards? You were like, oh my God, I'm this woman. Oh, we tend to do all the things because we are finally free, scared of everything, but we're finally free. So what was your experience? When you get out of this situation? How do you start your healing? What experiments you did? I remember that I the first thing that I did is I I went traveling.

Speaker 2:

I was like I running away from this.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, um, I, I a lot so much like. So that first, that first year, I I was like in and out of therapy but I didn't, um, I wasn't consistent. So I, um, I was very much using external, um, external coping mechanisms. So that first year I got, I started drinking really heavily, I started going out, you know. So. So these were the unhealthy ways that I dealt with it, right, so, and I I would use the excuse of because, because I did a little bit of both right, I would use the excuse of oh well, I, you know, I just need to forget, or I had a bad day, and you know all these things. So I went, I kind of went off the deep end a little bit. I dove, I dove into dating apps. I, you know, really just tried to find a distraction in that first year. That first year was, you know, kind of well. So also that first year I was, so I currently my eight to five, I work in the homeless space, I'm a case manager at a homeless shelter, so I've learned a lot about that as well, you know. And so that first year I wasn't like literally homeless on the streets, but we were couch surfing, we were like I lived in a friend's RV on their property for a little while. So it was very unstable, very unstable. So I took that instability and I coupled it with going out, you know, when I didn't have my kids. Because now I, now I had free time without my kids and it wasn't, I didn't look at it as free time. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself because I had been a stay at home mom for six, seven years at this point. So it was all of a sudden I don't have my babies. What do I do Like? So I would take, rather than sitting and feeling those emotions and like processing those emotions, I would instead go out. So that first year that was very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was in and out like I'd kind of go to therapy, but then I wouldn't really and I'd be like I don't need it, we're good.

Speaker 3:

Second year, it was a lot of self discovery, self growth. That's when I got back into the communities with the other women. I started, you know, working on meditation and breath work and journaling. Now, none of these were consistent in that second year. So it was still a roller coaster. I'd do really good and then I'd fall off and I'd do really good and something would trigger me and then I'd fall off. And I do really good and something would trigger me and then I would fall back off, right.

Speaker 3:

But I did start, you know, focusing on the self-care a little bit more and you know, I did a little bit more. That's when I started learning like how to be alone and that being alone and being lonely weren't the same thing. Right, I had to. I started, you know, taking myself out on dates. I started, um, you know, focusing on how I could take care of myself.

Speaker 3:

This past year, um is when I got really like I and I did again a little therapy on and off, nothing consistent. Um, fast forward to now where I am in trauma again a little therapy on and off, nothing consistent. Fast forward to now where I am in trauma. So I have trauma therapy once a week where we are working on CPT. So I mean, I know, you know CPT.

Speaker 3:

But so because I was diagnosed with CPTSD, so complex post traumatic stress disorder for those who may not know what that means and right now we're working on cognitive processing therapy. So focusing on what my stuck points are, so what my triggers are, what my things are, that you know the stories that the narratives that I've told myself or I've been told that have been stuck in my brain like I'm too much, I'm not worthy. Um, men only want you know me for one thing. All of these things that formed the trauma version of myself. Um, unlearning those. So that has been the biggest thing that I'm also in text therapy. So for those who think, oh well, therapy is not accessible to me, I'm a mom, I work full time, I do all these things. I get that. That was my excuse for a very long time. I used that excuse for so long, but yes, I do have first. First of all, my trauma therapy is not even in person, it's virtual. So, like technology, especially after COVID, everything is virtual right.

Speaker 3:

I could go in person, but I chose virtual so that I can do it on my lunch break. But then my second therapy is it's texting, so there's an app that. So this one, particularly my company, pays for. So it's that financial aspect is taken away from me. But I know there are other texting therapies and other apps.

Speaker 3:

So that one is we work on coping strategies for, um, you know, my daughter. My daughter has a lot of PTSD, also from the trauma cause. She grew up in that trauma, so you know, and she's, and she's also eight, so you know typical big emotions and learning how to deal with them as a child. Um, so you know we work on, you know, our communication, my communication. I also have a 15 year old son, so dealing with high school and you know all of those things that he's going through.

Speaker 3:

So you know, focusing on coping strategies for my anxiety, for because I have a very anxious attachment style that I've been working on, you know, and understanding that that's my attachment style and learning that you know healthy communication is so different from what I'm used to. And then also getting back into the community without, without therapy both therapies, so trauma therapy, like coping, coping mechanisms and strategies and without the community of women who, you know, are also in the same journey of growth and healing. I don't think, actually, no, I don't think. I know, I know that I would not be in the space where I am right now and continuing, and on that momentum, now I, you know, having somebody also who physically here, my friend who I mentioned earlier, you know he, he's also done healing, he's, he's also gone through his stuff um, he is my, my in-person grounding right, like having having those supports, those four main supports.

Speaker 3:

You can't do it alone right, I mean you can, it'll take you a hundred times longer and be about 50 times harder. But doing it alone is not yeah.

Speaker 2:

And we were not created to do life alone ever Right. Yes, as many know, I'm a trauma therapist, severe trauma therapist, and I would say I love sad things because you know I deal with the darkest things that can happen to a human being and my people comes to me when CBT cognitive behavior therapy. So imagine your brain is like oh, your feels is like a little triangle. So in the top of the triangle you have your brain right, the cognition. What it tells you you're worthy, you're not worthy, creates distortions of the life like oh, this happened to me because X, y and Z right. And then you have your feelings, which I always get so angry when therapists or coaches or whoever tells just feel your feelings.

Speaker 2:

And I'm like people doesn't understand when you say feel your feelings, feel your feelings for everybody out there, it means not naming oh, I'm sad, I'm anxious, I'm this. No, feel your feelings means the sensations that are in your body. That creates this name that we call anxiety or excitement, because they have the same body responses. The thing that changed it is this one I'm excited because I'm going to go in the roller coaster. Oh, I'm dying because I'm going to the roller coaster. Who gives the message this because he has experience right. So I say all that just to tell people that there is so many therapy styles out there. But if you're going to therapy, we have text therapy, we have video therapy, we have in-person therapy and then when you already pick which flavor you like of how you want to get it, kind of like think, do I want to go to the restaurant delivery? Or I drive through Same concept right, it's to nourish your soul. Now with that it comes what kind do I need? Sometimes we're not ready to do the talk therapy, and that's okay.

Speaker 2:

We are ready, maybe to join a group. For example, there is groups for survivors If you have been in a narcissistic situation or a partnership. That is the CODA meetings codependency, anonymous and I know people's like I'm not codependent or like we have attachment styles, that they were broken or they were modified due to this experience. So, yes, we are. We are so codependent. We put people in pedestals just because our brain hasn't learned yet to not do that right.

Speaker 2:

The other one that I highly recommend there is a Welcome Home book. Oh my God, that book. It talks like what you talk about Form the pillars of your home because you have to go through demolition and create a new mansion. We don't change the roots per se. We change why you are going to put your house, where you're going to put your walls, and all that so for you, sarah, where were your?

Speaker 1:

walls.

Speaker 2:

What was that? You find that was difficult Once you were out, once you realized, okay, this is not coping skills, this is self-destructive. What was the walls that you found? Because being a mom, a stay-at-home mom, after seven years joining the workforce is really hard. For example, women that just take a year off from work. It takes 10 times worse time to get a new job, any job, right. So what kind of walls do you have that you basically broke? Because what you're seeing right now in me is the success story, right, the survivor story, but not everybody gets the same tool at the same time. We have to break walls differently, two at the same time. We have to break walls differently.

Speaker 3:

So what was, let's say, the wall that you say I break this wall and after that is my healing journey, start like I catapult myself for healing um, I mean, I would say it, say it was honestly when, when I focused on myself and like how to, I stopped focusing on making other people happy, I stopped focusing on the codependency, I stopped focusing on like, if I do xyz, like, will they, will they love me, will they care about me, will they like? I had to stop focusing on other people and focusing on myself because I know, like, I talked to a lot of people who are also, you know, trauma survivors, abuse survivors. Um, I comment, a commonality that I've found is that we're all people pleasers.

Speaker 3:

So like I refer to myself now. It's like a recovering people pleaser. Yeah, like I still, I still like to make people happy, like, right, you know, one of my, one of my love languages is like taking care of people. But like we're we're actually working on that one right now in like my texting therapy too, to be like, okay, well, is that? Is that because I'm a mom, so I, I have to take care of people? Um, is it because I was forced to take care of people and I didn't know anything else? Or is it because that's something that I actually enjoy? Um, and for me, I do actually enjoy it, so I get, I get joy in bringing other people joy and happiness. The difference now is it's appreciated and it's welcomed.

Speaker 3:

Versus when I was in the abuse and in the trauma. It was a survival mechanism mechanism, right, like I did it so that I didn't get things thrown at me because I didn't do the dishes, right, you know. So it it's. It was really focusing on who rediscovering, rediscovering who I actually am and what I actually enjoy Um, because I feel like that is probably one of the biggest things that survivors have in common is we are stripped down to the bare minimum in the beginning, with you know the charisma, the again, the manipulation of the partner, and then they rebuild you how they want you. Yep, you don't get to choose who you are.

Speaker 3:

When you're in the trauma, when you're in the abuse, you are not your own person. You are the person they created you to be, however that looks. So really breaking that down and finding out what actually brings me joy and over the last two months, has really been the point where I started embracing that so so remember, it's been a three, three and a half year journey and I am still barely now getting to the point where and I am still barely now getting to the point where, yeah, I'm a lot, but that's okay. And am I really a lot? Or is it just that I embrace who I am and I don't focus on how it makes other people feel Right?

Speaker 2:

right. Thank you for that. And just a tip for the audience regarding the love languages. I always tell my clients yeah, discover your love language, because you know what. That's how you have to love yourself, not other people. For example, you say I like to do acts of service and love affirmation and we're like perfect. That means love, acts of service to you and words of affirmations to you. And the hardest part is believing them. Right when we say I'm worth nothing against the mantras, but I I, as a survivor, I will tell you that a lot of us want to say I'm worthy, I'm blah, blah, blah, and it's like, no, I'm not.

Speaker 2:

But the trick is, you change. I for we, when you have a person that is helping you in a group and you say we are powerful, we are worthy. We believe it because, as people pleasers, we want to please the other person too. So this is a way that you can do mantras Think about your kids, think about that friend, think about the family member that you love or care, and sometimes it's even fictitious kind of pop culture figures that you say we are worthy, we're granted happiness, we are loved. Why? Because when we are in a community, it's easier to go through the darkness right. So, to make it all in a pretty bow, what it will be? Three things or some kind of tips to either the person that is in the thick of it and the person that is out of it.

Speaker 3:

Okay, you cut out again, oh my goodness, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2:

I don't know if it's my internet, but I apologize for that because I know there is a delay. So I was asking what three little nuggets can you leave us with? Something for people that is in it and people that is already out, something that you wish somebody would have told you back then?

Speaker 3:

Okay. So, first and foremost, if you are in it, if you are going through it, um, you're not alone, right You're. You're not alone on so many levels there are. You're not alone in the fact that there are other people going through it that you don't know. Like I did not know, like when I started advocating the people who have come up to me and been like you helped me get out of this because you talked about what you did and how you got out I never would have thought they were going through the same thing I was going through. Right, you're not alone in the fact that there are other people going through it trying to figure it out. And you're also not alone in there are people who are willing to help you get out.

Speaker 3:

So you know, sarah mentioned earlier about services. So if it's something like the domestic violence website, you know there is a quick exit. It does erase. You can just go in and back it out. That's fine there. Look for local resources. There are people in the community who you know we do this type of thing on a daily basis. My three little nuggets, my three little takeaways that I have for you. Number one especially if you're currently in the thick of it. You are not alone.

Speaker 3:

You are not alone in the sense that there are other people going through it, um, and they are also trying to survive and trying to figure out how to get out, um, and you are not alone in the sense that there are community programs, there are national programs, there are resources, um, so you're not alone. Um, you, man, let's see, you are, are. You are worthy, and I know that sounds so cliche and that sounds so just. You know, roll it off your back. But one thing that it really really took me a very long understand is that I am. I am amazing, right, I am freaking amazing. I am worthy of being loved by myself, right? Not by somebody else In abuse. You're so torn down, you. I didn't love myself because I believed everything that I was told by my ex-husband. So, learning that you, as a person standing alone, you are worthy of literally everything. You're worthy of being loved. You're worthy of having success, whether that look be financial or travel, whatever success looks like to you, you deserve it. You're worthy of it, literally, just by existing. Just by existing would probably be. You can't do it alone. You can't trust in a community or a friend or a family member.

Speaker 3:

Therapy, um, honestly, go to tiktok, go to instagram, search in healthy relationships, healthy communication, um, survival after abuse.

Speaker 3:

You know, there's so many little keywords that you can plug in there and just getting that positivity in your body on a daily basis, like we spend so much time doom scrolling. Make that doom scroll useful, because what your brain believes, whatever you tell it, and if you're sitting there and you're telling it, I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable, I'm not beautiful, I'm not special, I'm not all of these things your brain is going to find truth and proof in the universe to show you those things. So, instead of doom scrolling and just looking at mindless things or looking at you know cause I understand I did a lot of the like oh, I relate to this, I lived this but you're keeping yourself in that mind frame of the abuse. So instead turn it around and start looking at healthy communication, healthy relationships. Um, one of my biggest things was I loved watching all the little happy couples doing the little things right and so learning that there is healthy love and healthy relationships. That was one of the biggest things for me.

Speaker 2:

Good. Thank you so much for that. For my part, what I learned is the same. You cannot. My part, what I learned is the same. You cannot and I cannot repeat this. You cannot do it alone. There is resources that are there for a reason because we can help you Two. Once you're out of it, we need to relearn what a loving relationship is. For me, it took like a while being all by myself, but one thing that Jeff's kiss it was I will take. When you know I was getting in a relationship that was past the six months a year that was getting serious. I will take them to family therapy with me. Why? To learn how to communicate. To learn your baggage. To learn my baggage and see if it even works. Learn your baggage. To learn my baggage and see if it even works. To tell you the times that that saved me, or saved both of us.

Speaker 2:

Right For being in a yes, we like each other, we have feelings for each other, but we're not good for each other for multiple reasons. Right, and then the other thing that I can tell you is, like, what you think is your type is your trauma. There's not such a thing. What you think, oh the bad boy, or think is your type, is your trauma. There's not such a thing. What you think, oh the bad boy, or whatever, is my type, there is not such a thing as your type. The type is just the response of a trauma, and I had to learn that when I went to therapy myself, right? Second thing if you go to a therapist that is not going through therapy or some kind of like growth, please don't.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, if your therapist does not have a therapist, that's not the therapist for you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's not the therapist for you.

Speaker 2:

You know, I always tell my clients number one question did my therapist go through therapy? Why? Because we observe a lot of things, so we need to take those things out. Not that your things are too much, it's just. You know, if I'm going through therapy, I hope my therapist knows what I'm doing, right and going through the same thing. But yes, so, number one, find community. Number two, find a provider, coach or whatever that is available to you, because sometimes, it is true, we don't have available things. And also, for everybody that's listening, there is and I will put it in the notes too there is this free app that is called 6,000 Thoughts a Day, and it's almost like you put your thoughts there and it's like baby cognitive therapy super helpful.

Speaker 2:

And it's free For everybody else. There is groups like CODA. There is group for survivors. Because you will say groups like CODA, there is group for survivors because you will say I don't want to go hear the sad stories. It's not because you go hear the sad stories. What we go there is you see the worst of you, meaning the thick of it, then you see how it takes to get out and then you see what it looks like when you're out right.

Speaker 2:

So you see the whole spectrum, which it gives you hope because, believe me, no matter how dark it looks like, there is light outside of the tunnel. I'm not saying you will not have to climb in shit to get out of the tunnel right, you have to. But once you're out, you're like oh my god, I can take a shower and go back in. And I say all this because we feel ashamed, we feel like it was only us that we are broken. That is something wrong with us. And I love this Asian proverb where it has a cup or a piece of beautiful dish and then you break it and we think, oh, the dish is destroyed because it's broken. And no, they break different ones and then they form a new one and they put the little cracks with gold. And I was like that is the most beautiful allegory, that, yes, we are the trauma of our generations, meaning mom, grandma, we carry that with us. It takes seven generations to claim generational trauma, and then it ends with us. It ends with us because we are the ones that are going to therapy, we're the ones that are healing, and sometimes in that healing you will have to let go of certain people, including family members, because not everybody has been healed and everybody's in their own road. But what you are not going to do anymore is people pleasing others, making yourself small, or people pleasing others by saying, no, I'm not going to shine, I'm not going to do the thing, because you are meant for more. You are meant to do great things in this life. Even though right now it feels like there is no escape, there is escape. Slowly but surely, you will get out and once you get out, you get your book.

Speaker 2:

One of my favorites is Emotional Parents. This one is such a good book. Go ahead. And the other one that I love is there you go. Nonviolent communication oh, I like that.

Speaker 2:

This one if you learn to your parties, because nobody teaches this right. Because unfortunately, depending on your background, we learn violent communication, because that's the only way that we survive colonization and slavery, etc. So those two, if you want to start anywhere, and if you notice this one is not like going to blame your partner or anything, this is more like I'm reading it because I want to learn about my parents, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 3:

So because I know it's scary, want to learn about my parents, blah, blah, blah. So, because I know it's scary, so can I really quickly because so I. So that that was one thing I thought about later too. So there, if you are, like in the beginning of it, there is one book and it's I have. I have it on audio and physical so I can listen to it and read it. It's in the other room I thought it was in my desk but it's not and so it's called the Inner Work and I am obsessed with that book.

Speaker 3:

And then there's a second one called the Inner Work of Relationships. So, if you are, the Inner Work is great for like really trying to learn and understand, because one of the other things too is you have to learn and understand what your attachment style is right. Understanding how you actually present yourself and how you receive other people is huge, because if you don't know if you're an anxious avoidant, an avoidant, an anxious, whatever style you are you cannot learn how to become a secure attachment style in any sense. So that's been one of the biggest ways that I've actually, in my independent study, um, kind of learned what my attachment style is and like how I have to be responsible for myself.

Speaker 3:

Um, but yeah, so that that's. I love those books. Those books are amazing.

Speaker 2:

Perfect. And, like I said, uh, I said, uh, well, welcome home or at home. Uh, we're gonna put all those books recommendations in the notes. Uh, if not, I will put it in the instagram, where you can find us out, or oasis community podcast instagram. I will post them there. I also post them in spanish in my own personal, uh, instagram. That is dr Roldan, but that's in Spanish, just FYI, it's all in Spanish.

Speaker 2:

And once again, thank you so much for the warm talk and for everybody. Stay safe and remember all parts of you are welcome, no matter how dark they seem to you, there is always light outside of this tunnel that we call life. As we conclude today's episode, take a moment to reflect, be proud of the journey, for every step that brings you closer to who you truly are. Embrace the kindness towards yourself, as you did to each one of our guests, honor the bravery in your actions and celebrate the importance of mental wellness with us. And remember it's an exercise that we practice daily. Continue to grow and flourish, knowing that we are in this training for our mental wellness together.

Speaker 2:

We are so proud to have you as part of our community, so join us on Instagram at Oasis Community Podcast for more inspiring conversations, valuable resources and supported content, including journals, worksheets and content in Spanish. Exciting things are in the horizon. Our Oasis community break rooms are coming soon to grab tools and take a break for your mental health. Also, we are featuring our six-month training ethical mental health coaching program designed for new and experienced coaches, as well as holistic and healing professionals. Enroll to create a safe and transformative experience to your clients. Links in the bio. Until next time, take care, stay connected and welcome to our Oasis community.