Behind the Smile

A real, honest conversation about what it looks like to live with functioning depression and anxiety, still showing up, smiling, and struggling all at the same time. Just because you're " holding it together" doesn't mean you are okay, and that in itself is absolutely okay. Give yourself permission to feel. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, welcome to Barely Balanced for moms, misfits, and multitaskers, just out here trying to survive the chaos. I'm a mama four, business owner, published author, fitness lover, and yes, I haven't died. We all know this. I have past with eating disorders and a childhood that could literally fill an entire season of Netflix. This podcast is raw, unfiltered, and probably a little bit of over-sharing, but it's everything you didn't know you needed. So grab a glass of wine and let's get honest. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Barely Balanced. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about um functioning depression. So, first and foremost, I want to start by saying I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist, I don't have a a degree in any of this. Um, I just like to talk about like I always say, what compels me. And before I start talking about this, it obviously pertains to me and a few other people I know in my life, but I like to put it out there that I am not a doctor and I'm not a professional at this. I'm just giving my personal opinion and my personal take on it. So to me, functional depression, which it's often called high functioning depression, which essentially means you're like sad on the inside sometimes and you don't understand why. Sometimes you have low energy, but then sometimes you have high energy. Like I have days where I have really high highs and I can get everything on my list done with no problem. And then there's days where I have really low lows, where you know, even just getting up, you know, at 6 a.m. or walking to the bus stop doing a grocery order online, because yes, I still have grocery store anxiety, so I still do my orders online, but even doing the order online like will give me anxiety. Um also to me, functional depression or high functioning depression, as you want to call it, whatever you want to call it. Also, to me is when you struggle internally with negative thoughts, but you'll still go to work, take care of your family, exercise, socialize, say yes to all the events, go to all the birthdays, go to all the things, because you you'll feel bad if you let anyone else down. Like, and a lot of the times, like I said, people will say to me, like, oh my god, Kim, like you would have never guessed that you were upset in that picture, or you would have never guessed you went through all that on that exact day. Like, people that are closest to me know, like, they'll see a picture of like a day and they'll be like, Oh my god, that day you were texting me that you were like crying, and I'm like, Yeah, I know. They're like, Wow, you really know how to like not really fake it, but yeah, like if we're being real, like, yeah, like sometimes you gotta just wipe your tears and keep moving, especially if you're a mom or you know, a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, cousin, brother, whatever, you gotta keep it moving for the people around you and you gotta stay strong. And sometimes lately I've been finding myself constantly tired, right? Even though I'm getting like like I like my sleep, I won't lie. And sometimes it's weird because I'll actually realize that I'll actually function better on less sleep. So I'm still trying to navigate my sleep schedule because I'll go to bed at like nine o'clock, and I think I wake up at like six, but like if I didn't have an alarm set, I could sleep. I like my sleep, but then I'll wake up and I'm still tired. I don't know if that's because I got too much sleep or what, but then sometimes I'll have days where I didn't even necessarily excuse me, do a lot, but I did a lot for work, like at home, because I get to work from home, which is a beautiful thing. I get to have half work from home, I half work from the studio, but sometimes I'm like, I am so mentally drained that I will literally when I'm putting my daughter to bed, I'll fall asleep at like eight, like in the eights, before I like make lunches or before I turn off. Like sometimes I fall asleep and I like all the lights on the house in the house are on, the TV's still on in the living room. Like I legit wasn't prepped to go to sleep. And I will wake up in a panic at 4 a.m. Like, oh my God, I fall asleep at 7, 7:30, 8 o'clock, whatever the case may be. Um, and like I'm like, why was I so tired? Like I didn't even do anything really, like I did my workout, but all of my work was from home, like online. But then I realized I'm like, oh, but I also did order the groceries, and I also did have a meeting with my son's guidance counselor, and then I also answered five hundred emails, and I also did a promo for the business, and then I dealt with some family issues, and then I had to do four loads of laundry, and then and then I'm like, oh, okay. But I did all these things, like you don't even think about it, you kind of just do it, and you're like emotionally numb, I guess. I would say while you're doing it, you kind of go through the motions, and I'm kind of like sick of doing that because I really just want to enjoy my life, and I'm trying my best to get out of that mindset where everything needs to be done all the time, and everything needs to be perfectly polished because it's like it's not my life, it's not my reality, and like a lot of the times, like sometimes like I used to watch TV all the time. TV is one of my vices. I do love a good show, I love a good series, I love a good Netflix and chill. And I I haven't been able to do that. I think three weeks ago, I think me and my boyfriend did that, and we like did lay in bed and like not do anything for the whole day and just watch like six movies. And I remember he was like, 'Are you getting bored? Like, do you want to go do something?' I'm like, No, I absolutely don't want to go do anything. I was like, I never get to just shut my brain completely off. And for most, that would be like boring. Like, not that he was bored or anything, but he was just like, Are you getting bored? Like, do you want to go do something? Like, let's go to lunch, let's go do. And I'm like, no, like, I am completely fine not getting out of my pajamas, like just resting my brain mentally. And like, and I like TV, and I haven't been able to watch TV. Like, before that happened, I guess three weeks ago, I want to say it was. I didn't get to watch a show or a movie or a series in so long. Like, I stopped doing the things I enjoy because by the end of the night, I am so mentally drained that I can't do anything else. I'm like, I can't, I don't even have the mental capacity right now to focus on a show. It's not a thing, it's not happening. I will put on background noise, but I don't have the mental capacity to to stare at a screen and focus on what's going on in the series. So sometimes I'll just like put on a show that like I've already seen 800 times, and sometimes it's like a I don't know, I don't know, like a funny comedy, and sometimes it's like a toxic love story or a toxic show. One of my favorite toxic shows, I would say, is shameless. Love it. It's it's funny because it's like my sister laughs at me because she's like, of course, that would be one of your favorite Netflix series because it's like about such a toxic family, and like, but it's like a good show, so it's a good watch if no one's ever watched it. There is a lot of drama, a lot of alcohol and drug use in it, and things like that. It's definitely not appropriate for kids. So if you have kids, make sure they're not around if you're watching it. But it's definitely a good, like, toxic show if you want to watch it, but I love it. Um, and then you know, another thing that I do that I find that isn't normal. I mean, and I hate saying isn't normal because it's like what who even gets to define the definition of normalcy, right? I think we all get to define our own definition, but um I think for me it's always been a thing. I will be weirded out and like be like uncomfortable in my own skin if I go and do something big without doing something big with my kids first. So we just took a trip to Mexico, I talked about in other episodes, and I took the four, but then my baby stayed with my ex because he is about ready to get adopted, but he's not allowed to leave like the country, so he stayed home with him. Um so I but I did take the four other my four other babies. So even though they're 18, 13, 10, and 8, like still obviously they got to enjoy this amazing trip to Mexico, and my baby, well, he's only two, and I hate and I say my in quotes because we all know I'm a foster mom that I and we are working on the adoption process. Um, I like to emphasize that because I don't want to offend anyone if they're listening and be like she's saying my baby, but um, you know, it's not hers. He's he's not hers, not it. He um, but I've had him for two years, and in my mind, you know, I've been raising him for two years, and he calls me mommy, so I do know he has a biological mother, but I am his mommy right now. I am all he knows, but yes, I do know I am not actually his mother, and that statement right there was just my anxiety kicking in thinking somebody would judge me for saying that. So there's another part of anxiety slash depression, emotion, emotional, whatever you want to call it. I didn't need to disclose all that information, but I felt like I needed to. Why you ask? I don't know. Because I don't want to offend anyone ever. But at the end of the day, I'm raising him. I've had him since he's been three or four months old. So he calls me mommy, he calls me um, you know, daddy, mommy, sissy, bubby. So anyway, off topic, that is not what I was about to talk about anyway. So we just went on this amazing vacation to Mexico. So now I feel like, okay, cool. Now I took them to explore the world because I think it's important that your children get to explore the world also. And I do think there is ways that you can do it. And I did talk about in the prior episode that I did bring my 19-year-old sister as my babysitter. Um, so she stayed with the girls while I did other stuff and then came back, and then I went back with the adults and back with the kids. So, you know, it was such a fun time. But I felt like, okay, that was my green light to be able to now book an adult vacation because I'm so stressed all the time, because I work so hard. Um, and I want to go on a vacation. I want to travel, I want to live my life. So I just booked a cruise, which I'm so pumped about. In April, we're going. I'm going with um my sister. Well, both my sisters, my sister's new fiance. Um, they just got engaged. So congratulations to them. Um, one of my best friends and my boyfriend's going. So we're gonna have so much fun. And I felt like the, you know, the green light was like, yay, I was allowed to book this trip because I had already taken my kids on a vacation. I don't really find that that that's like a normal thing. Like, why do I feel like I have to take them somewhere before I do something for myself? And that doesn't even just pertain to vacations. That pertains to like anything. Like, if I have a plan to go out, say on a Saturday, I'm just gonna pick a random spot, like to go see a show and then get martinis with my sister on a Saturday. I'll feel as if I need to take them somewhere on Friday before I go do that on Saturday, or I'll have extreme mom guilt. Like, no, I can't go do that. I have to go um, you know, I can do that, but wait, let me plan something with the kids first on Friday. And I remember like a couple summers ago, my sister had asked me randomly, like, do you want to go to the winery with me um and Ash later on? And I was like, sure, but you know what? Let me go spend the entire day with the kids first. I'll meet you in a bit. Like, was it what time do you want to go? She was like, five, and I was like, okay. So immediately I got up, got the kids dressed, and we like went to the park, we went to lunch, we did all these things because I felt like for me to feel like okay and actually be able to enjoy myself, I had to take them somewhere first. And I do think that that's a form of anxiety. Um I wouldn't necessarily call that a form of high functioning depression, but I would classify that as anxiety slash mom guilt slash just like weirdo behavior. Like, I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. But I don't have any guilt now for booking this cruise, which I'm so excited to go on, because I just took them on a trip and they got to explore and have an amazing time, and now it's mom's turn. And I think that it's important that I'm trying to learn that it's okay for moms to fill their cup, also, or dad's or whatever, whoever you are. It doesn't matter if you have kids or you don't have kids, it doesn't matter the situation that you're in. We all forget to fill our own cups, and a lot of us have a lot of high, high functioning depression. I think. Um, like I said earlier, I'm not a professional. I'm just going by people I hang out with or people that I talk to, and I talk to a lot of people, and a lot of people they, you know, anticipate everyone else's needs. They get upset that they have to keep their household running, or they feel like they have to be an emotional regulator for everybody around them, regardless if they have kids or not, that they have to hold it all together. And this is another big one that we always feel guilty if we take a rest. That's this is like a number one thing for me. I could easily, when my kids get on the bus, go to work and I I make my own schedule. I could come home and lay on the couch for the entire day if I wanted until they got home, but I will not. Nope, it's not even a thing because I will feel as if there's so much I could be doing. Like I'm a lazy piece of shit right now. Why am I laying on the couch? But really, I feel as if sometimes you need that. You need days where you have nothing planned. You need days where you lay on your couch and you veg out, you watch some shows, maybe eat your favorite food, take a workout class, even like today. Like I took a Pilates class at my own studio, obviously. But with another instructor, such an amazing workout. I felt amazing, came home, took a nice hot shower. It was kind of like a little bit of a reset day for me, I guess. Um, but I'm still doing other things. Like I still have to work and from home. But it's an easy day, I I would say. But um, you know, I feel like if I'm resting, I'm failing. And I don't think that that's normal to feel like that. It's I think that it's important to understand that you know, you can love your life and you can love everything you're doing, but you can still be overwhelmed by life and it can have a mental effect on people. And not to stereotype because obviously it can definitely weigh heavy on men. But I do think women specifically, we are not programmed biologically to do all of the tasks that we do on our own. I think are we socially conditioned? Often, yeah, we are. Um, because we're raised, you know, subtly or directly to be that way, to keep our household running, to be the emotional regulator, to anticipate everyone else's needs, to feel guilty about things. We're the nurturers, we're the the we're just biologically I don't know. We're we're supposed to do these things and always feel like we have to get everything right at all times, but really it's not really like a thing and it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I don't even wanna like do anything. Like I'm just like, no, like just the thought of writing an email. I'm like, oh my god, I'm exhaust if I have to answer one more email, like my head is gonna explode. And then God forbid, if like something else happens on top of like what I'm doing, like I don't know, like if I have something like yesterday, for example, I had full crash out mode, and that's what I call it. It's when I won't touch base on really what it's about because it's personal, but um, I had other shit going on, and then something else happened, and I was like, I swear to god, if one more fucking thing happens, my head is gonna spontaneously combust here. And I started going into fucking crash out mode, as I call it. I was losing my mind, I was like freaking out, I started getting anxiety, I started getting dizzy, and I was like, this is not normal. Like, I need to calm down. Like, if you are the type of person that you feel like you have high functioning depression where you keep showing up, but inside it feels heavy and exhausting, and that you want to cry. Like I cry in my car daily. Like, and that like I said, that's not because I don't love my life. I don't that's not has nothing to do with it. It has to do with the heaviness that you feel. As soon as I crack my eyelids, I feel heaviness. And not because I'm not blessed or I don't love my life because I do. I'm so I know there's people out there that actually have major issues or major problems, medical or physical or mental, whatever the case may be. I'm just talking about this in general for the people out there that carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and they kind of try to escape life, but like they can't. And like I know someone in my life right now, and I won't get too deep into it, but I said to them a couple weeks ago that it kind of seems to me from an outsider looking in that they just go through the motions kind of robotically. And it's kind of like this person is super tired all the time, upset all the time, is very monotone, doesn't really show much emotion, but does so much shit throughout the day. So much, but they get up and they don't even think about it, and as soon as their feet hit the ground, they do not stop moving, but they do it so robotically that it's almost like they're not enjoying their life at all, and I'm like trying to talk to them, like, listen, we need to like work on these things because I mean I'm not really one to give the best advice because, like I said, I get anxiety, I stress out over the stupidest shit. But I love trying to help the people that I love because I'm like from an outsider looking in, it doesn't really look like you're happy or enjoying things, or like enjoying life, like period. Um but I think that we all feel as if we need to go through the motions, and I feel like I also know somebody in my life right now that has a hard time what's the right way to put it, has a hard time just in like in life in general, like has a hard time, doesn't know how to do life, that's how they explain it. And I totally related to it because I was like, some days I do in fact wake up and I'm like, how am I going to do it today? I am exhausted, I'm tired, the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I have something to do every day, all day, but then you gotta do it. It doesn't matter. And some people maybe cope with drinking or drug use, or they see a therapist multiple times a week, or they cry multiple times a day week, or they work out excessively, or they you know, a lot of people cope with not being able to handle life, I guess, all different ways. And I guess the main point that I was trying to get at today was that I feel like maybe I do have high functioning depression. But like I'm not sad, like I don't sit here and like I mean sometimes I do. Like I said, like I I cried yesterday in the car. I didn't cry yet today, guys, in the car, but I swear to god I have a daily cry normally in my car. Um and I feel like sometimes who cares? It's good to get it out. Like why do we gotta hold our emotions in? Like, no. I'm not doing that. Um but I don't know. Today I feel not as exhausted, but yesterday, full crash out mood, dizziness, felt like I was gonna throw up. I couldn't handle life. Like I was like, what? If one more thing happens to me, I swear to God, I'm going to lose my ever-loving mind. My head's gonna explode, type deal. But then today I woke up happy and ready to take on the day and trying to think of other things that all right, what can I do today? Like, all right, this needs to be done, this needs to be done, let me do that, let me do this. But then tomorrow I may wake up and be like, oh my god, I can't do this. Like, I'm so upset. Like, I just feel like we need to normalize. And I know I talked about this before in other episodes, but it's like a real thing for a lot of people, and like I said, you don't need to have kids because I know people that don't have kids that go through this, that are just sometimes emotionally emotionally numb, like I said, or use distractions, you know, or sometimes just want to be alone. And I don't know, and and often too, people with functioning depression, they also don't seek help or talk to friends or family because like they're still productive, they'll still they'll think in their head, other people have it worse, hence why I just said, um, they'll think in their head, like, well, I don't look depressed, so they're not gonna believe me, I'm gonna look dramatic. And just because you're functioning, it doesn't mean you're not struggling. So, like, are you actually living? Do you feel like you're managing everything on the outside but drained on the inside? If so, then you know, maybe try your hardest to I don't know, help yourself out a little bit and just realize that what you're feeling isn't uncommon because like I said, right now I'm just speaking of myself, but I know personally like a handful of people right now that have these same symptoms, I would say, and it's completely normal to feel that way, and it's also completely normal not to not to appear fine, and it's completely normal to be exhausted, and it's completely normal to need a mental and physical break. All these things are normal, and I'm working on it. I am working on it, I am determined to live my life the way I want to live it and not live up to society society's expectations of the way I should be living. Okay. Um another thing I want to say about what I just said, how you know, you'll feel like you don't want to reach out to family because you might feel like you're, you know, they think you have it all together or you look dramatic, or oh my god, blah blah blah. Well, funny story. So when I was pregnant with my third baby, um, now my first two, I was induced with them. So I had never actually gone into labor at this point, like on my own. I've gotten induced with both of them. So with the third baby, I started feeling cramps. And mind you, she wasn't due until July, and I started feeling cramps in this it was May, and I was laying in bed, and I said to my husband, like, Oh, I'm getting like cramps, and he was like, You're fine, and I was like, probably, but then I was like, Oh my god, like I don't know what's going on, but they're still here, and then he was like, You're fine, you're fine. And then I was like, Yeah, you're probably right, like, you know, whatever. So I got up and I started making my two other kids, like, I'll never forget it because it was like like it was yesterday. I started making them pancakes and sausage and their breakfast, and I remember keeling over, grabbing my stomach, like, oh my god, like what is going on? And you know, my husband was like, Maybe you're just dehydrated, like you're fine. And I was like, You're right, you're right. And then I keeled over again, and he was like, All right, well, how far apart are they at this point? And I was like, I don't know, but like let me call the doctor. The doctor was like, just come in. It's probably nothing because I am a hypochondriac. It's probably nothing, like you're fine. And I'm like, okay, all right. So I called like my kid's grandmom and I was like, Can you just take them? I'm just gonna go to the ER because um, you know, I'm getting cramps or whatever. And she was actually the only one that was like kind of like, yeah, like, oh my god, bring them right over. Like, go make sure everything's okay. Like, you shouldn't be getting cramps like that. But everybody else was like, You're so dramatic. Like, and I remember my husband calling like a couple of family members or whatever, and they were just like, Oh, like she's fine. Like, oh, it's just Kim being Kim, you know, she's freaking fine. I like drove myself to the emergency room. Or no, wait, no, no, no, no. My husband dropped me off at the emergency room and then he took my kids to their grandparents' house. And then he didn't rush back or anything because everybody thought I was being so dramatic. And in my brain, I was like, oh my God, I am super dramatic. It's probably nothing. Well, when I got there, I'm sitting in the waiting room and they call me back. And at this point, my husband came back and the doctor checked me, and he was like, Oh my god. He was like, Your wife has six centimeters. He was like, She almost gave lab gave birth at home. He was like, She had half her labor at home. You're having this baby today. And this was six weeks early. And I looked at him and I was like, I'm dramatic though, right? And like, I wasn't being dramatic, guys. I was actually in labor. I had I was having half of my labor at home. By the time I got there, I was six centimeters. Like they had rushed me up to friggin' labor and delivery, and like I had her, obviously that day. And but that just goes to show you like you think you're being dramatic, maybe you're not being dramatic. Listen to your intuition. If you feel like you're tired, take the fucking rest. If you feel like you need to take a nap, take the nap. And if you feel like you need to reach out to family or friends, don't feel like you're failing because you need a little help or a little guidance. Don't feel like you're failing because you're asking for help. You know, don't feel the need to always be perfect, the picture of perfection. And I'm learning that. And it's not easy. Like it's not something that comes easy. And I would just say you gotta keep just working on it. Just keep on fucking trucking, you know? And you might get everything done, you might have the cleanest house, you might have, you know, the most healthy, organic, perfect dinners on the table every night. And but you might be mentally drained in your head, like, oh my God, I'm and then you might not be living in the present. I find myself all the time sitting there listening to my daughters talk to me. And sometimes I won't even know what they just said. And that breaks my heart because your mind is constantly going, going, going, going. And it's so hard to quiet your mind. I don't, I can't even tell you how to quiet your mind because guess what? I don't know how to quiet my own mind. But I think what, like sometimes when my daughter's talking to me, especially Kinsley, because she talks a lot, which I love, she's my little free spirit. Um, she's gonna be surfing the waves of Kelly when she gets older. She's just like a vibe, which she'll talk to me so much. And I find myself sometimes not remembering what she just said said three seconds ago, and it breaks me because I'm like, my mind is elsewhere, and I just want to be present. I want the mental load of work to be gone. I want the mental load of these things to be gone just for the minute, just for a minute. So if you feel like you have functional depression, like I said again, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist, but if you have any of the things I just said, try to take it down a notch. Try to look at the small things in life that make you happy. If you like to watch TV, watch TV. If you want to order out tonight instead of cooking dinner so you can relax, fucking do that. Okay, please. Take it from me. Like even today, on the way to fucking work, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack. And he was like, You are not having a heart attack. And I was like, I'm feeling like stuff in my back, it's coming around to my like my front, like I can't, I'm starting not to be able to breathe. And he knows if I start not being able to breathe, and anyone that knows me knows that if I start feeling that way, it'll then turn into tingling into my head, and then if the tingling into my head will turn into my throat actually feeling like it's closing, then it'll turn into me half in a pool over my car, and it's a whole fucking production, honestly. And he just was like, You're fine, and then he was like, I'm gonna, and then he started talking about something else that I was interested in, and it went away. Like the back pain into the chest pain went away. And my sisters are really good at doing that too. They'll be like, you know, they'll just like talk me off the ledge essentially, but not where I know that they're doing it. They all kind of just know how to, um, I don't know, they all know how to just figure me out and like get my mind off of it without me knowing that they're getting my mind off it. So that right there also to me is a form of like functioning anxiety, depression, whatever you want to call it, is me just sitting there and all of a sudden I feel like I'm having a panic attack and nothing's even happening. I'm just driving. Like I was just driving. There was nothing going on. There was no traffic, I wasn't upset about anything. My morning went smoothly because I made lunches last night. Like I was fine. And all of a sudden, something triggered me to be upset. Something triggered that feeling that I could not breathe. Something triggered that feeling that I was about to have a heart attack. That was my subconscious letting me know, hey, bitch, I'm still here. You want to hang out today and think you're gonna have a good day? Well, guess what? Your anxiety is still here. Your functioning depressions, anxiety, whatever you have, still here, still back here. And I'm gonna let you know I'm here because I'm gonna give you physical symptoms, which are then gonna turn into mental symptoms, which are then gonna turn into you're gonna have a shitty rest of your day. Well, I did not let that happen. Thank God I had help. But if you have any of these things, try your hardest to just give yourself a fucking break today. All right, give yourself the break that you need because we all need breaks, we all need to let the mental load go, we all need to let the heaviness just release from our shoulders. We don't gotta be perfect. Like I said in so many other episodes, there was no instruction manual given to us for life. There was no instruction manual of how we were supposed to live, and there's no instruction manual telling us we have to live the way other people want us to live, or have our house the way other people have their houses, or feed our kids the way uh our neighbors feed in our kids. Whatever. If you want to have them let them have McDonald's tonight, let them have fucking McDonald's. It ain't gonna kill them. You know, my daughter, my daughter asked for DoorDash the other night, and I was so stressed because she asked for a raisin canes, and I did not want to let her have it. You know what? I let her have it. It made her happy, whatever. I was like, you know what, I'm not doing that today. Sure. Order Grubhub or whatever the hell it's called, have the raisin canes, whatever. I was letting myself get super upset over her asking to order out. It was like so stupid. So I'm learning to let go of the things like that and just like move on, like fine, either say yes or no and move on. I don't have to think that much more about it. You know, so if you're dealing with any of that, if you've had any of those symptoms that I said, and like I said, I wouldn't even call them like symptoms. So if you go through any of that, moving through the motions, having the weight of your on your shoulders, feeling like, you know, the littlest tasks give you anxiety, maybe just take it back a notch today and understand that you're not failing, understand that you're not, you know, incompetent, understand that you're not doing anything wrong for wanting to a break, you're not doing anything wrong for wanting a reset. We have to fill our cups before we can fill anyone else's cup. And I am learning this kind of like the hard way because I've had a lot going on. And I'm kind of like, fuck you, watch me type deal. That's where I'm at in my life, where people have been testing me and testing me and testing me, and it's like I'm adding more on my plate, but just to show people that I can do it, right? But then I'm like, well, do I need to do all that? And then I'm like, yes, I do, but I am learning to fill my own cup first, and maybe not rushing to get all those other things done because maybe every single ounce of laundry doesn't need to be done by 2 p.m. Maybe every single, you know, room in the house doesn't have to be spotless by 2 p.m. You know what I mean? Like I just need to get in a routine, I need to be a little more organized, I need to use my planner, and I need to do the little things because, like I've said before, the small habits that you change will create the life, you know, that you want. So you have to, you know, do small changes and then they turn into the big habits. Um, but yeah, I just felt like it was important to talk about that today because I feel like a lot of people that I know are going through that right now, or they feel as if they have to do all these things, or they, you know, have the weight of their shoulder, the weight of life on their shoulders, or they feel like they're failing if they're not doing this or doing that. And I'm here to tell you, you're doing fine. Whatever you're doing, you're doing a great job at it. Give yourself the grace, give yourself the rest, go to the winery with your friends, take the hot shower, watch the movie, order the pizza. You're doing great. Remember, you're doing great. We are not, one single human is not programmed to do all the tasks that we think we need to do alone. Okay, and if you have to do them alone, write a checklist, write it in your notes. I am a checklist person. I like to write it down. I don't use my phone for that. I'm kind of old school when it comes to that. But eat the pizza, take the bath, hang out with your girlfriends, friends, husband, wife, cousins, whoever it is, do it, enjoy life, and understand that you are not alone if you are feeling these feelings. There are so many people battling the same exact feelings that you're feeling. So try to help yourself in understanding that not everything needs to be that way, and there is small things you can do to work on it. And that is all for today. But thank you guys so much for listening. And please, like I said, if you know me, you can always reach out to me. Um, if you don't know me, um, I always let everyone know you can always reach out. And I do do, I do have people reach out, so don't find it weird if you're like, I'm not, I wanna, but I'm not doing. I have people reach out all the time. Um, you can reach out to me on my Instagram, it's hardbody fitness13. And then I also have um we have the Facebook page as well. And um, I do answer the DMs. I have had I've had quite a few people um DM me on either Hard Body Fitness13 or Hardbody by Kim. Um, and I do answer people. So if you have questions, comments, concerns, you want to chat about something, you feel alone, you feel like you have no one to talk to, I will talk to you. I have done it, I'll do it again. I don't care how busy I am, I do take the time out to do that for people because not everybody has someone. And um, if I can be that person for you, I absolutely will be. But thank you so much again for listening. It means the world to me. I'm just on here speaking from personal experience, trying to help people that are going through the same thing that I go through and let people know that they are not alone. So have a good one and we will talk soon. Bye.