When Our Adult Children Walk Away
My story. Reflecting my opinions and perspective - in my words.
In the early spring of 2019, after several years of trying to sort through our erratic relationship - and under the influence of a gatekeeper partner - my (young) adult daughter made the difficult choice to cut all communication with our family.
I know now that she tried for a very long time to get her messages across to me - years - without success. I remember times when she explained that she needed me to listen and know her better, accept her new and evolving boundaries, recognize her as an emerging adult, and modify my communication style to be more respectful. She needed and expected change. I didn't take her seriously and didn't listen to learn. I listened to respond, explain and convince.
It took many months after she went no-contact to cycle through my grief. Like you, I experienced disbelief, anger and hopelessness before I could begin to accept my role in the reality of our circumstances. Even then, as I began to take responsibility for my contributions - the pain, confusion and hopelessness were often overwhelming.
As difficult as it is to admit. I've come to accept that my contributions to our fractured relationship played a substantial role in her vulnerability to the charm of a narcissist. In her case, he was also her supervisor. The inherent power differential, her desire to please her boss, and her need for income positioned her perfectly to be manipulated and controlled. Eventually, she succumbed to his advances, and the rest is history.
Today, I humbly and gratefully report that my daughter, our family and I have reconnected. My daughter found her voice and the inner strength to leave a toxic and dangerous relationship, pack up her children, and return to our family. After extensive therapy and with strong family support, Brianna (she prefers Bri) often consults with me as I coach estranged parents and adult children who want to understand their circumstances and embrace their new emerging self-awareness.
My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this podcast is simple. During the long, dark hours of my isolation and desperation, I decided to use my education and professional (and personal) experience to help people struggling to understand their communication style, interpersonal behavior and estrangement circumstances. I now coach people through their long dark hours, isolation, and desperation to find hope and look toward the future – to grow despite and because of their estrangement- and find strategies that help them prepare to repair their relationship.
When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-reflection toward self-discovery - to prepare for repair - I'm here to walk alongside you. In each episode of the When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast, we explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each episode relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of estrangement.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast, blog, interviews, group conversations, and 1:1 coaching are at your fingertips. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you find clarity, purpose and strength as you prepare for opportunities to reconnect. WOACWA offers a judgment-free space to face and explore the unbearable.
When Our Adult Children Walk Away
5 Ways High Risk Days Feel Different for Parents and Adult Children
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Exclusive access to premium content!Do they think about us? Do they miss us? What are they doing on this particular day or during this time of year? So often, we imagine that they've forgotten us, put our family in a box on a shelf. We worry that they've moved on without us, never to wonder about us again.
In this episode, I offer insight into how emotionally charged, high-risk days —such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, differ for estranged parents and adult children. Together, we explore how this understanding can foster empathy, reduce blame, and support us as we find ways to strengthen or reopen communication.
We look at five key differences in our experiences as estranged parents and their experiences as the adult child who walked away.
- Anticipation vs Avoidance
- Identity and Role Confusion
- Public Pressure vs Private Pain
- Longing vs Relief
- Rituals of Grief
And in the end, why does it even matter if we consider what it may be like to be in their shoes?
Empathy isn’t about agreeing or changing how we feel about our experiences; it’s about recognizing that our experience is not the only one that needs understanding.
When we soften judgment, open our hearts and set aside our grief, even for just a little while, we create space for new understanding and new perspective.
We begin to prepare for future dialogues and reduce the potential for increased distance.
Acknowledging emotional differences is a step toward relational safety and potential healing.
For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com to find resources, strategies and tips to prepare to repair!
The continuum of estrangement discussed today can be found at https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement.
The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement. All opinions expressed are my own and are shared with you, the listener, from a place of healing and learning.