EnneagramU
Unlock your true you! Dive into the Enneagram with Damon & Kelly. Personalities, relationships, work - it's all here, every Wednesday. #EnneagramU #WorkplaceDynamics #EmotionalHealth
EnneagramU
Exploring Emotions, Family Dynamics, and Self-Care through the Enneagram
Recently, I found myself in a painful situation - breaking a finger. This unexpected event led Kelly and me to a deeper exploration of human emotions and the impact of self-care on our overall well-being. During this episode, we reflect on the fact that an average person experiences around 400 feelings a day, and how identifying and naming feelings improves our emotional health.
As we dive into the complexities of family roles and self-awareness, we investigate how both nature and nurture play a part in our development. We discuss the intriguing dynamics within families, such as the pressure on heroes to maintain high performance, the role of scapegoats as truth-tellers, and the coping mechanisms of lost children who disengage from conflict. By understanding our Enneagram types, we learn to recognize the roles we play in our families, schools, and lives, leading to greater self-awareness and personal growth.
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Yeah, no one comes in again and says, Damon, you're going to play the role of the skate goat.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:You know, no one comes. Why is that funny? I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't think I want to know any more about any of these roles, because I'm going to find out some stuff today. Welcome to Enneagram U, damon and Kelly, where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you, with your skeptic or an enthusiast. Together, we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. This is Enneagram U. Hello everyone, and welcome to Enneagram U. I'm Damon. I'm here with my friend Kelly. Hi Kelly, hey Damon, kelly. We start every show with a question and the question is are you feeling today?
Speaker 1:Yes, Today I feel rested and replenished. Okay, that's good. Yeah, I was thinking too, especially for an eight. It's difficult to take time off. I had to be intentional the last couple of days just to say no to some things. I am so glad that.
Speaker 2:I said no. An eight has a hard time slowing down.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because you're driven. I am so driven You're making an intentional decision. I'm going to slow down, but now do you come back like an eight plus another eight. I mean it's worse.
Speaker 1:Or is it better? No, I'm rested. I'm ready to go. Let's conquer the world.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I'm rested eight. one of the scariest things on the planet.
Speaker 1:Watch out world, bring me your problems. That's great, yeah, no, i do feel good. Oh, that's good.
Speaker 2:Awesome.
Speaker 1:Yes, so I know this is your favorite part too. How are you feeling?
Speaker 2:I was thinking we would skip this part.
Speaker 1:Yes, I know this is the part that you want to skip.
Speaker 2:No, okay, i've got feelings today. Okay, yay, can you have more than one feeling at a time? Yes, okay, do you know?
Speaker 1:how many feelings they estimate we have a day.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Do you want to take a guess? A day, a day, the average person.
Speaker 2:I have like two or three feelings.
Speaker 1:Okay yeah, you actually have about 400. Really, yes, they estimate that the average person has 400 feelings a day. Not that you have to name all of those.
Speaker 2:I know we don't have time.
Speaker 1:But this is where even identifying two or three a day at least it gets some of those feelings out, but 400.
Speaker 2:That feels really overwhelming. I'm assuming there's some repeats in there. Maybe, Maybe that would be at least 30 times and miserable 400 or 500 times.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i was going to say four or five times No four or 500. Yeah, you said 400.
Speaker 2:Wow 400, yes, okay, my feelings today. I have a couple. The first one is I'm frustrated. That's a feeling. Yes, i'm going to look at my chart. I can't find that word. Is that a?
Speaker 1:It's under the anger, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yep, i am frustrated and I think that's a moderate intensity word. Yeah, i think it is. I am frustrated because I broke my finger.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:I did.
Speaker 1:You have a little splint, i know.
Speaker 2:Oh, what did you do? Well, i was working on this project, little construction project. Maybe me and tools shouldn't go together, but I was holding up a piece of material and, 너무 birth good, had my hand up in the air. I'm holding this thing up. I know it's not balanced well, but I'm hold, so that's why I'm holding it, and the tool that I need is not within reach, and so I know that I'm just gonna let go of this material for a second. We'll call it. We'll call it plywood. It wasn't plywood, but it's to our to describe what it was. Anyway, as it and I know I'm doing this I'm gonna let go for a second. I know it's gonna fall. I'm gonna reach and grab that tool and I'm gonna put my hand back up there as fast as possible makes total sense.
Speaker 1:I could do it. You're super hero, here I'm yes, i'm quick, i'm quick for my age, i'm quick. Stealth.
Speaker 2:This is your ninja ability that you were speaking, this went bad quickly. Oh, so I did get to the tool and then I put my hand back up, but that fell so much faster than I thought it was gonna fall that it just jammed my finger straight in and I heard a Snap. I actually heard this like like not, it won't sound. If this might sound bad, but I don't know. It sounded like a chicken bone snap, little chicken boy click it like. I heard a little click when it hit and then I'm like Okay, there were some words then that followed that aren't on the anger chart or here in the chart feeling.
Speaker 1:Sharks that under a different chart.
Speaker 2:Yes, i said them all right there, and then Then just held on to my finger and let that all hit the ground and then, oh man, after that It was like I looked and it was purple.
Speaker 1:Oh, anyway, you know it's bad when instantaneously It's a different color. Yeah, when you hear a sound so you know what I did.
Speaker 2:I just put my glove back on.
Speaker 1:Let me just ignore it. I ignore it'll. I'm sure it'll go back into place and be fine in an hour.
Speaker 2:I mean it hurt a little bit, but when I pep kept the glove on it was like oh feels a lot better when it has compression.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I need a cast. Probably is what your finger was saying to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I it looked pretty bad. And My wife looked at it and we she's a physical therapist So she said, well, they're probably gonna put a splint on it, we'll just tape it up, see how you feel tomorrow. And then I was at a job doing that. So then she said, since it was at an employer not our, not VU, like a part-time deal you better tell them, because they probably want to know. It happened on their dime kind of. And so I did and then. So then I ended up going to the doctor and it's. And then they x-rayed it. I'm like what is happening here? It's just a stubbed toe. I mean it really is in anyway, or like that.
Speaker 2:And Yeah, so then, they showed me the little break and he's like well, do you want full function back? And I'm like, yeah, i guess I do so. Then I showed him my other hand. This is going way too long. Put it on two times speed if you don't want to hear the story. I showed him my other hand. While I was in high school, i broke that same finger on the other hand and so there's a little bump there, as you can tell.
Speaker 1:A glove on it.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know because I just taped it up and we went, i broke that playing football and I was like, well, we got to keep going. So anyway taped it and now it's had a bump all those years, yeah. So he takes that finger and says, do you want this hand to look like this hand? and I said, well, not really. He said, well, let me show you how to put the splint on. So he put it on the other, the good ring finger. So now I have a splint on my Broken finger and a splint on my not broken finger and I'm walking out of the doctor's office. I'm saying what happened here?
Speaker 1:now I have looks like I have he wanted you to wear a splint on your Broken finger from decades and decades ago not as a, not as a like treatment, but as a example of how you're gonna tape the other finger when I see okay. Yeah, so I'm like I thought he was maybe gonna do some kind of repair.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, we don't want that, that's Anyway. This has gotten way blown out of proportion, but that makes me frustrated, just because, well, it was dumb a little well, you know, and it was my own fault, i'll say that, and but it could have been worse. Yes, and it will heal up. But four weeks for the little finger before Where weeks is a while? it's not quite, jimmy Fallon. I don't know if you know about Jimmy.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, I'm finger, but it really got torn up. It really did not. lucky to still have his finger. Yes, Yeah that's right. So well and I could just picture you in that moment, because those are the split second moments that we have that we think Okay, i can do this.
Speaker 2:Yeah and then we realize we can't and then happens, it'll be more than I want to admit. So the second emotion that I have is really happy. I'm really happy, so I'm frustrated and happy. I'm frustrated with the accident because that's what it was.
Speaker 2:It was just an accident and me being a little dumb and Maybe a lot dumb, but I'm happy because when I went to the doctor, they took my blood pressure and they took my and and my resting heart rate and The the nurse says did anyone ever tell you that you have a really low resting heart rate? And I said Never, ever.
Speaker 1:Not on athlete status heart rate.
Speaker 2:She said do you run? I'm like I don't know, maybe the finger has sent me into shock.
Speaker 1:My body's slowed down.
Speaker 2:So I was really in, my blood pressure was really good. So I had some good numbers that I would not have known that I had.
Speaker 1:Right, especially when you're in pain and your blood pressure was good. Yeah, that is a good sign.
Speaker 2:I was chill on no meds, by the way or drugs of any kind For that day. For that day. You know it was clean that day, so that's wow, that's a lot of feelings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, thank you for sharing those, and isn't it good to be able to process? Yeah, i mean just those everyday life things that we have, but then also the big life things, like I think, especially for you, as the nine on the Enneagram is a person of peace, definitely disrupted your peace to have an accident, and sometimes we can beat ourself up, you just hit my finger on the table, it's okay. Clean Beep.
Speaker 2:Ouch. Yes, we're falling apart here. Yes, was there an earthquake? Yes, and it is so strange how something so small I mean, the size of this break is minute And something so small can hurt so much. Oh my gosh, it's so strange.
Speaker 1:Well, and you don't realize like how much you use certain like our fingers and our toes, like there is nothing worse than a toe break or a finger break, because we just take for it, we just don't realize how much Take it for granted. We take it for granted.
Speaker 2:I can't type at all. I mean that's good, because I can tell my boss at work Sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i need four weeks off. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna use chat GPT to do all of my correspondence. Everyone else is doing that anyway.
Speaker 1:Well, and then after the four weeks, we'll all be like what happened to Damon.
Speaker 2:He was so brilliant for those four weeks He's writing, or just really stepped up, and then it just I don't know what happened, but oh, my goodness gracious. So anyway, that's our feelings for the day. We had a topic at hand. This is our family roles.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 1:What we, who we grew, how we grew up how we saw ourselves something like that The roles that we really took on in the family and also that we took on probably in school or other situations. And what's interesting about our? the roles of families or, if you look them up, roles in dysfunctional family. and let's just be honest, all of us come from some form of dysfunctional family. None of us came from perfect families, And isn't it interesting that no one came into our home and gave scripts to us to play, so really not to interrupt.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry to interrupt you, but like you use the word dysfunction and it's kind of a negative connotation to dysfunction, right? So dysfunctional family roles yeah, it's just not family roles.
Speaker 1:It's dysfunctional family roles. to be clear Yes, dysfunctional family roles, so these are negative things. Well, actually, these, i think, are where we try to maintain some kind of status quo or homostasis Isn't that the word for balance?
Speaker 2:I don't know. Let me ask chat GPT? Yes, Because I think you are right though.
Speaker 1:Yes, anyway, just where there's those places in our family where we could use like even your finger, like little cracks in the family. How do we then bridge that gap and, as a family, try to be as healthy as possible, but yet we do it in unhealthy kind of ways. Hey guys, before we continue with our discussion, we'd like to thank you for joining us and invite you to tune into episode four. We're gonna be looking at the evils of the Enneagram, so we look forward to seeing you then. So, for example, for all of us I say we want to be known and loved and accepted, and so if we were in a perfect world with a perfect family, we would just be known and loved and accepted period. Okay.
Speaker 2:But yet we don't, none of us Right.
Speaker 1:Okay, Yeah, but we still long for it. And so there's like a little tweak in our hearts, our little break in a heart that says I will be known and loved and accepted if Okay. And so I think that's where some of these roles really play in. So I'll be loved if I play the helper role.
Speaker 2:Okay, now do we learn? this might just be obvious to everybody listening but me, but do we learn that because of how we're treated? Is it a response to you? know, we do something, it works. we do it again. Now we're the helper because of our family, or is that innate? it's in?
Speaker 1:us. I think it's both Okay. So I think there's an eight part of us that will really lean itself towards one of these five family roles And then also, i think, what is needed within the family a lot of times.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So I think it's both the nurture and the nature.
Speaker 2:So like feeling we're filling a gap, that's happening, or, yeah, something's broken And then we'll fix it by being a certain way.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And some of that is natural to us.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And some of that is our environment.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, Yeah. No one comes in again and says Damon, you're going to play the role of the scapegoat. Okay, You know, no one comes A pause for a minute. Wait, why is that funny?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't think I want to know any more about any of these roles, because I'm going to find out some stuff today, all right, Yes.
Speaker 1:Well, it's all for our greater self-awareness, which really is why we subscribe to the tool of the Enneagram never to box ourselves in, but always just about awareness for ourselves. Okay, and so we look at these roles and to begin asking ourselves, like, which role or roles did I play in my family of origin? Which ones did I play in my school? Because we might have played different roles in different areas in our life. And so one of the roles that we tend to start with is the enabler role. We could also call this the helper role.
Speaker 1:This is a role I think I fell into pretty easily as the first born And I really felt like I would be loved and accepted if I helped my mom, especially when my sister was born. Now, sometimes, as this role develops over time, this person kind of becomes an adult sooner than later. They take on more responsibility of the family than really maybe their age allows for, and so they also find themselves, you know, trying to blend things when things feel overwhelming for the family. So they may take on some of the helper roles for, like one of the parents, if one of the parents has a lot of responsibility, the enabler role may take on some of that responsibility for one of the parents becomes maybe another parent in the family.
Speaker 2:And is that usually first born, or does it matter?
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's first born, sometimes it depends just on how the family dynamics play out. I think for the twos that are just naturally twos in the family, they definitely gravitate towards that role.
Speaker 2:Oh, wait, wait, wait. You had you thought one time on a previous episode. You said you thought you were a two on the enneagram, but you're really an eight And so, being an enabler, you said, to helper.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Is that connected Well?
Speaker 1:definitely, i think. For me, as I looked back to put some of those pieces together, i felt like I was going to lose my place when my younger sister was born, and so, for an eight, they don't want to lose their place of power and position, and so I felt like, in order to keep my place, i needed to help my mom. Okay, so that's, i think, where some of that shift came from me. So I'll be loved and accepted and valued if I help, all right.
Speaker 2:So what are? are there positive and negatives to each role? I mean, obviously I could see some positive in being an enabler. Yes, sure.
Speaker 1:I mean.
Speaker 2:I think that's another word that might have some negative to it. Um, but if you're a helper, that's a good thing Right. So what's bad about being an enabler? Yeah?
Speaker 1:I think for the enabler it's being over responsible. Okay, you know so each of us have that sense of uh, what we're responsible for. As you know, cloud and Townsend talk about in their book Boundaries. We're responsible for our thoughts, our feelings, what we do for someone who's an enabler. They're going to jump in everybody else's yard to try to take care of others, become over responsible and lose themselves in the process.
Speaker 2:And then that can hurt other people, then as well.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, because then other people are allowed to stay under responsible.
Speaker 2:Gotcha. Okay, Any pauses I make today? just processing, processing, processing. Um, I'm going to assume we have a little bit of all of these, all of these in us, you know.
Speaker 1:But Yeah, I think there's going to be one that will tend to gravitate towards. Or when we look back, we're like, okay, wow, I really played that role in my family. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like as a nine. I could be that because I want to keep peace right. So I want to help everybody. I'll fix it. I'll take care of it, You know. so, yeah, yeah, to maintain peace I can enable some people, so they won't change, because I won't say Hey, you change your life or whatever. I won't do that because if I do that now, I'm in conflict.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, and for the nine, you take on all attributes of the other numbers. I could see where nines would probably see themselves in a little bit of all these roles as well.
Speaker 2:All right, so that's an abler Um, let's go on.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about some other ones. Yes, so another one is the hero.
Speaker 2:I like that. Yeah, woohoo, like Superman, spiderman, iron Man, i mean it's.
Speaker 1:Damon holding up the board and thinking he can.
Speaker 2:Are we going to come back to that every time? Is every illustration? is my broken finger Just today?
Speaker 1:Yes, no, but the hero as what you might think of just someone that where lots of things came easy to them school they made of it might have excelled at school. They might have excelled at sports or music. They were just kind of the star of the family, and so when people observe this child they think, oh, this family's healthy or normal, because this child's obviously Taking, you know, taking charge and being positive and having lots of positive things in their life.
Speaker 2:What's the negative part part of being a hero? is there a negative side of that? It sounds really good.
Speaker 1:Well, it does sound good, but think about the pressure for a child who has to keep that up. Okay, so if they maybe get an a-minus on a test instead of an a, or if they don't get picked first chair, or if they don't Excel, so there's a lot of performance anxiety, i think, for heroes Okay so we're gonna jump around a little bit here because I'm unorganized.
Speaker 2:So that sounds like a one on the integram. Yeah somebody, that is, ones have this tendency to be right, perfectionist maybe, and we haven't talked about the one. We haven't talked. We will talk about each individual number. We're gonna do all of that, but so a one on the integram.
Speaker 1:Yeah, be a hero. Definitely the ones and the threes Cuz threes also like achievements and accomplishments.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. All right, wow, okay. So heroes good, but trying to keep up being a hero all the time could be exhausting, yeah right, that's a lot of pressure.
Speaker 1:Another one is the scapegoat. The scapegoat so often might have been the identified problem child in the family. Do we need to pause? Yeah, i'm definitely that also the Reason so often that the scapegoat got in trouble was because they were also the truth teller of the family.
Speaker 2:Hmm, i don't know if that's me. Yeah, yeah, I don't know I think I just got in trouble because I wasn't a good kid.
Speaker 1:You're the rebel, angry, yes, well, and scapegoats would be the realm, the rebels in the family. They would tend to Kind of walk to the beat of their own drum, their way or no way kind of thing. But oftentimes things got projected onto them because they were more honest than the other members of the family.
Speaker 2:I think there were times where I was that for sure, but I don't know that it was always that, yeah, and so before we finish, are we gonna say we're not kind of like you can't change or anyogram number? You just have to Lean into it and see the strengths in it and grow from it, and you obviously want to be a little bit of every number If you can, if you're healthy. What about these roles? Hmm? Can these are roles we should work on right.
Speaker 1:Well, and especially, i think they're more reflective as we look back over growing up, just to be able to then connect to That self-awareness of what did I tend to subscribe to. Richard Roar calls our roles in the family like our emergency solutions in order to try to be loved and accepted, and so you know what were those places that I just really tried to gain my, my value.
Speaker 2:But you've obviously seen adults still struggling being enablers.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, for sure.
Speaker 2:They've probably been in your office a few times and heroes that are upset because they're not perfect, and they just realized it when they're 25 years old.
Speaker 1:Well and honestly I think a lot of these, but especially the hero role, Anxiety is just crippling to them because what if I can't keep this up? Yeah, so we see them into our adulthood.
Speaker 2:Okay, let's do another one.
Speaker 1:Okay, another one is the lost child.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't know what that means.
Speaker 1:Yes, they're lost. We can't find them. These are the kiddos that just like to stay under the radar. You lost a child once. Where were?
Speaker 2:you? Yes, Westminster. Okay, that's a. That was a previous episode as well. That was not my fault. Okay, we won't talk about that.
Speaker 1:Go ahead anyway lost child, so they like to stay under the radar. So typically these may be the kids that just set in the back of the room when they come home from school. They want to just go do their own things. Just if there was maybe conflict in the family They would numb out Let me just do my own thing, go to my room, play my own music, have my own interest, those kind of things.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, it sounds like. So what causes I mean this might you may not be able to answer this honestly, but like what causes a kid to do that? Yeah is that a disconnection?
Speaker 1:It is. I think it is a coping and a disconnection. So again, for someone like a nine, a nine might hang it, not to call out anyone in the room.
Speaker 1:But you know, for a nine like staying under the radar because then I don't have to engage in conflict or if someone's having conflict, okay, let me just numb out, do my own thing. So nines we could see would probably fall into this. Definitely the fives as well, because fives being more introverted, they like to get just kind of lost in their own interest and things that they want to study or different things like that. So for a five I could imagine as a child for them, let me just go in my room, read books that I want to read, just kind of be left alone, especially after a whole day of being with people. They just get peopled out And so that lost child of just kind of let me just kind of stay off to myself.
Speaker 2:And lost child. It could be a response to different things.
Speaker 1:It could be how you're saying.
Speaker 2:We said nature and nurture, right, mm-hmm, so it could be a response to their environment. They're hiding because something is bad bad is happening or they're introverted, which is more nature and it's just naturally easier or more pleasant for them, energizing to them to be by themselves.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you can really see that in any of these roles, that nature nurture peace. Okay, yeah, for sure, okay.
Speaker 2:What else do we got?
Speaker 1:The last one, last but not least, the fun child. We would call it the mascot.
Speaker 2:The mascot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so these were the kids who like to keep things lively and fun. If the things got too serious at home, they may do something charming or funny. We all probably could name class clowns that we went to school with. These were the mascots. These are most likely the sevens in our world.
Speaker 2:I wasn't going to call them out, but yeah, you're right about that Yeah. You have a few sevens in your family. So that's what I know. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, i remember too a story in fourth grade. So I had a class with a boy And I don't know why I always got put next to the mascots or the class clowns. Now I married one.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, who knows?
Speaker 1:Anyway, the school that I went to we didn't have an air conditioning So our teacher brought her own box fan from home And she was an older teacher, pretty rough. She grew up with polio. She was really scary But underneath had a soft heart, but anyway. So I'm sitting next to Robert And he takes his pencil and puts it in the box fan when the teacher was out of the room.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:No, that's great, yeah, i'm sorry, it was hilarious. Everybody was laughing. I was cracking up until our teacher Mrs New was her name until she came in And I immediately saw this look on her face And I thought Robert is going to die today. It was the age where you could take a student out in the hall And she spanked him.
Speaker 2:Oh no, she really did, she did, oh wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that happened And you could do that back then, Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2:But anyway, wow, okay, you didn't get in trouble, Did you? Cause you were. you were strategically placed there as an eight to be the leader of Robert The seven.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And Robert Yeah, and you just let it go.
Speaker 1:Well, and you're exactly right. I mean, there were times where I just felt that pressure of like I got to keep this together and I'm in the same age range as everybody else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're a kid.
Speaker 1:I was just a child.
Speaker 2:But the mascots are awesome, they make us laugh and it's great. I mean, i think of I can think of stories as well and it was usually. unfortunately, sometimes when you're younger, it's at the expense of other people.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because that's just what kids do, right. But when it was the kids and it was at the expense of the teacher, i have to admit I laughed plenty.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:And it was, and it was fun.
Speaker 1:Those were uniting moments. You know where the class could be nights together Right, Exactly.
Speaker 2:Against the teacher.
Speaker 1:Oh Yeah, oh, i'm a terrible person, okay.
Speaker 2:No, all right. Well, that's really helpful. and wow, we are running out of time already. There was a lot to cover. That was. But that was fun, very interesting, and so next week we will take a look at the evils of the Enneagram, and I think that is going to be very, very very interesting because we know how evil the Enneagram is Oh, my goodness. So evil.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:So thank you for joining us on Enneagram. You were so glad that you were here and we'll see you next time. Bye, kelly, bye, bye.