EnneagramU
Unlock your true you! Dive into the Enneagram with Damon & Kelly. Personalities, relationships, work - it's all here, every Wednesday. #EnneagramU #WorkplaceDynamics #EmotionalHealth
EnneagramU
Enneagram Triads, Self-Reflection and Decision Making
Ever wondered how your emotions shape your decisions? Well, we'll delve into the heart triad (two, three and four) to uncover the secrets. Discover how these emotions steer their decision-making and the dominant emotion of shame that influences them. We'll also discuss the unique focus of each type, from helping others to reducing shame and celebrating uniqueness. Don't miss this soulful exploration of self-discovery and the importance of self-reflection and understanding worthiness. So, are you ready? Let's get started.
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Welcome to Enneagram U, damon and Kelly, where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you. With your skeptic or an enthusiast, together, we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. This is Enneagram U. Hey, everyone, welcome to Enneagram U. My name is Damon and I'm here with my friend Kelly. Hi, kelly, hello Damon, i work hard every week with this question How are you feeling today, kelly?
Speaker 2:I know you love this question, damon. Thank you for continuing to ask it.
Speaker 1:It pains me. It's easy to skip over.
Speaker 2:But we do want to remember that processing our feelings is so important to our self-care. So I am feeling today a bit overwhelmed.
Speaker 1:Why are you feeling overwhelmed?
Speaker 2:Yes, I feel overwhelmed. I just have a lot going on. Wait, I have a question about my question.
Speaker 1:When you ask somebody how they're feeling and they say I'm feeling a certain way, is it appropriate to say why are you feeling like? that Or is that like depends on if you know them.
Speaker 2:Well, yes, if you're feeling like you know that person and it would be okay, maybe a better way, because why sometimes makes you feel defensive?
Speaker 1:That's what they say. I thought I offended you right there when I said why, of course No.
Speaker 2:Once again, you know me well enough, But sometimes saying okay, would you like to share more about that? Does that sound too therapeutically robotic? Tell me more about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think with the red inflection it would be fine. Yes, Tell me more. Tell me more, Kelly, about why you're feeling overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, just a lot going on. So, yeah, i've had some time away from the office and so just getting back into the swing of things and just you know how life is. You have things already on the calendar and then more gets put on or things that you can't plan for.
Speaker 1:Okay, where does the overwhelmed land in the intensity level?
Speaker 2:Yeah, i think it's probably in the stronger underscared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i'm going to man. Oh it is. It is strong intensity, scared overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so probably just the fear that I won't get done all that needs to be done, or it won't be done to the degree that I would like it done.
Speaker 1:Is there some truth that you have to like think about when you're thinking about something that's strong intensity, that would help you with the intensity level.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So you know, when we process the feelings, we want to look at what is the truth, And so, for me, knowing you know the truth about all that's on my plate right now is that I don't have to do it alone. Have I told you? I find that I am a pre-crastinator. Have I used that word?
Speaker 1:No, that isn't even a word. I'm in the Google end right now. Well, i'm, you know.
Speaker 2:Yes, I have claimed this as a word trademark, kelly Wright, but I tend to get stressed out on the front end, so I may have a bunch of things to get done. I want to get it all done like at the start of the week, versus that normal pacing. So yeah, by Wednesday I'm going to feel it's going to go from the high intensity, overwhelm, to probably the lower intensity, just nervous and concerned.
Speaker 1:And so, to combat being stressed on the front end, you try to front load all the work and get it done quickly. I don't think that's such a bad technique, actually, personally.
Speaker 2:It works. I just have to manage my stress. and that's where the truth comes in, you know. That says I don't have to get it all done today. You know that's good. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 2:So let's move on. Yes, how are you feeling today?
Speaker 1:Well, i think I'm feeling better than you, and so now I even feel better.
Speaker 2:No, i'm kind of mean, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Okay, i, i'm feeling good Good is the word. I, i don't feel overwhelmed, have a lot of good things happening at work right now, but I feel like I'm taking those things one at a time and checking off the list and I've got some time to breathe. There are other times in my life where that is not the case, so I'm thankful, you know, to that. Yes and probably the truth of that is enjoy it right now, because it you know, it doesn't always this state like that.
Speaker 2:Right, we have those seasons, like you said, where we have such a busy time, and then it's important to have that resting up afterwards.
Speaker 1:Right, i think I'm kind of in that. I mean, i have some big events coming up, but I feel like we're just working those Issues and problems for those events as they come, and if I do that I feel pretty good.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think I'm not really a list person, but if I know there's a list and it's getting checked off, then that's helpful. Yes for sure, i mean feeling words is just like every time it could, just, it could just take this train down a long long it could be the podcast Kelly and Damon share feelings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's I.
Speaker 1:Think there's a, there's probably there's buttons on Spotify and things are there like two times, three times speed. We go through the feeling part really fast.
Speaker 1:Let me skip it. Yes, skip it. So this is episode five for us. We have covered Feeling words we did in episode one and second episode if you haven't listened to that We talked about the jihari window, which is cool. It's what we know about ourselves and each other. And then the third episode. We talked about roles and roles in the dysfunctional family, how we grew up, what was good, what was bad about that. Then, last episode, we talked about the evils of the enneagram, which was lots of fun. Yes, um, i don't know who we got, who got mad at us during that, but I'm sure there were some. You may have lost a listener might get both of them.
Speaker 1:Yes. I don't listen anymore and this week we're gonna talk about any gram triads and I I kind of know what triads are, but I know it's numbers about numbers and there's more numbers and what's interesting about this, this groups of numbers thing. We haven't even really talked about any of the enneagram numbers yet.
Speaker 2:I know thank you listeners for hanging with us as we build a foundation, But yeah, we haven't even talked about any of the numbers yet right.
Speaker 1:So if you want to hear, if you just want to skip this I'm not gonna tell you what episode we start talking about numbers in, but we will. You'll have to dig around our podcast and find out.
Speaker 2:Yes, you'll miss a lot of the important basics, that's right.
Speaker 1:Yes, okay, so triads. I'm not gonna even try it, but I'll let you start. Let's just talk about what's a triad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, you know, if we think about the enneagram, it is that tool that is based on nine different personalities, or really enneagram even means an image with nine points. And so to help us to break down an understanding of the enneagram, a really helpful step into the pool is to just look at the triads. So the triads are If we would divide the enneagram, if we saw it as a circle, if we divided it into like three pie pieces. And so we've got the gut triad, which would be the numbers eight, nine and one. We've got the heart triad, which are numbers two, three and four, and then we have the head triad, which are numbers five, six and seven. And so each of those triads, or even today, a friend of mine was sharing that he had Done a course on the enneagram and they called him cul-de-sacs. So it's like here's the head cul-de-sac and the heart cul-de-sac, and, all right, gut, cul-de-sac.
Speaker 1:This is where we live. Yeah, this is where we live. We're neighbors, you know the numbers.
Speaker 2:There's some similar feelings and motivations from each of those Triads, but it's just a helpful way to enter in for more of an understanding. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:I'll repeat it back to you eight, nine and one is the gut triad, so we don't start with one. You know, we're kind of started with one.
Speaker 2:Eight nine and one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's okay go with us here. Eight, nine and one those three numbers are in the gut, then two, three and four They're in the heart, and then five, six and seven in the head. Yes, mm-hmm and then the next. I think the next thing we do is define what that means got yes gut, heart and head. So if you already know your number now you can kind of say okay, i already know, i've, i'm in this triad, so I'm a nine, we think if this is all real.
Speaker 1:If this is really real, yes, then I'm a nine potentially. I want to be an eight, kind of like Kelly, but I'm I just don't know.
Speaker 2:Maybe I have some eight once in a while. Well, the grass is always greener. It is another number someday.
Speaker 1:We're gonna talk about the nine and I'm gonna give you the What if my dream number really is?
Speaker 2:10.
Speaker 1:We talked about that earlier, but that was just me being a dork, as normal, but no, it's somewhere between an eight and a nine and it's kind of this Clint Eastwood thing that I know It's, it's I heard it online, so it has to be real.
Speaker 2:Okay, it's what.
Speaker 1:I want. It's not who I am, but anyway, that's all driving still part of the gut.
Speaker 2:Yes, still part of a good cuz. You're right for us. As for myself, as the eight, you as the nine and then our one friends, we're a part of the gut triad. Okay, and really what that means is that we all three of our numbers are driven to be independent. Love it, yes, free us. We want to be independent from other people and also our environment. Also, we, as the gut triad, are extremely visceral people. We feel things in our body.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So we might have a strong gut reaction or a gut feeling, especially about decision-making.
Speaker 1:Hmm, does that mean it's faster or slower, or you know, sometimes when people say add a gut reaction, it seems like it's a. Well, we didn't really think.
Speaker 2:That would be true, that's one of the things we have to do is those in the gut triad. We've got to lean into our friends, the head and the heart. So they say for us in the gut triad, we're a ready fire aim.
Speaker 1:Yes, agreed.
Speaker 2:So we do need to lean into the head to give a pause before we act, kind of think it through, look at our options. We also have to look at what we might be feeling as well. Well, the gut triad has a core feeling that we have, and that is anger.
Speaker 1:Yes, i've heard that. I think we've even mentioned that here. Core feeling is anger. I don't know what the why is behind that? That might be a hard question I already got in trouble with one, why question today So?
Speaker 2:Tell me more, tell me more.
Speaker 1:Help me understand what is the reason behind. Well, I think.
Speaker 2:Why am I?
Speaker 1:so dang angry Right Yes.
Speaker 2:Well, and how we express the anger is so different. So the eights would be very expressive in their anger. You're going to know when they're upset or frustrated. for the nines, because anger isn't a peaceful emotion, they're going to stuff it down and have that denial. for the ones, anger isn't a good emotion, so they stuff it down, but it comes out sideways. And I think, for all three numbers, because we like to really live in a clear cut world and we don't, you know where there's right and wrong, good and bad, and because that's not the case, that anchors us. you know, either we're angry at ourselves or angry at others, oftentimes more angry at ourselves.
Speaker 1:What is that? If you're an eight and you do anger by expressing it? I'm a nine, i stuff it And one does some crazy thing about sideways. Yeah, is there there's a happy medium here with anger.
Speaker 2:Yes For all three of the numbers in the gut triad. It's so important to be able, as you process your feelings, to even start with that anger question of what was I angry about today. Okay, not to ask was I angry? because for the nines it would be like oh no, i wasn't angry, that's right. It was Yes For the ones. Also, i'm not angry For the eights. They may not even want to grab a pin. They may snap the pin because they're so angry. But really being able to find a healthy way to get those feelings out is so important for those in the gut triad because really their anger can come because their freedom is restricted. So again, they really want that independence And so when they're not feeling like they're getting that, they're feeling kind of held back. That's what's gonna make them feel angry.
Speaker 1:Okay. So it's this kind of this constant reflection on how we're feeling, what we're angry about, especially because that seems like we are angry. So yeah, what was I angry about?
Speaker 2:today.
Speaker 1:That is what I need to ask myself. All right, I can try that. We'll see. I'm sure there are things. I wonder, as a nine, if I will be like, well, I'm not really angry And that's just a lie.
Speaker 2:So I have to keep going until I figure it out Well, and another important part with that too, since we are visceral people like where am I feeling emotion in my body? Am I feeling that short fuse? Am I feeling tension in my shoulders? Is my stomach feeling tight or upset For the eight, nine and one, more so than any of the other numbers our body really does wanna let us know. We just don't listen.
Speaker 1:I've think about that, yeah it's deep, I can't breathe right now. Yes, No, I'm not that mad. Okay, I like all of that. I mean, I think that I could work on that. I wonder if nines I don't ever remember myself like flying into rage ever. I bet there are times I maybe should have. But I wonder, can nine stuff things so much that it does it comes out in other ways?
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:Destructive ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Or you're super, you're not mad, you're not mad. and all of a sudden, the littlest What I do find is that, if I'm overwhelmed, like your feeling, is today any little thing. It's not that I lash out, but I'm a lot shorter with people. I'm a lot more direct, quick answers, move on. That's usually my sign that I'm probably mad or overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:Because overwhelm's more of a scared thing right as far as the emotion goes, but if I'm angry, yeah.
Speaker 2:But, like you said, how you're might be recognizing that you are having those feelings is that you might just get irritated or annoyed a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Easier.
Speaker 2:So it's yeah, it's the anger part that's letting you know you're having some other emotions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, so I'm really. oh folks, i mean, revelation is happening there.
Speaker 2:We had a light bulb just going off here And listeners are like please move on to another number.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so if I'm really mad about something and I'm stuffing that down and then you're still having a conversation with me, but I'm mad then my reactions to you are just gonna get shorter and shorter and worse and worse, cause I'm just mad, but I'm not really saying Kelly, i'm mad about this, i'm not saying that. And so you're like why is he being so snooty?
Speaker 2:And it's because, well, he's deeply angry about something else for you, and it may not be about the situation.
Speaker 1:It could be something totally different. Okay, yeah, that's great stuff that boy, my counseling bill is gonna be really high this month. Should we move on?
Speaker 2:We should move on.
Speaker 1:Yes, sure, let's do, let's go around clockwise where we hit from the gut to the heart.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Numbers two, three and four. The heart sounds such like a sweet place to be.
Speaker 2:Yes, they're wonderful. For the heart triad, these numbers, the feelings are of utmost importance to them. They are drawn to relationships and sustaining those relationships with others. They wanna be recognized, they wanna be connected socially, they wanna have emotional support. And so the heart types they more focus outward. So the gut types focus more inward. The heart types focus more outward. So that might lead them to have questions like how am I perceived by others, or do people like me, or how can I develop relationships, or how can I be included in relationships. So really, for the heart types, their dominant emotion is shame.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So the gut was anger, the heart is shame, And I love Brene Brown's work that she's done on shame, which really says that shame would say I'm not lovable or worthy to be loved. And so for the heart triad, they're each trying in their own unique way to get love and acceptance and to get that attention from others.
Speaker 1:We talked about decision-making with the gut, so let's just keep sewing that thread and say, what about decision making with this group of people?
Speaker 2:If that's not too tough to continue that, Yeah, their decisions would be completely relationship based. So for two, their decisions are gonna be how can I help you?
Speaker 1:Okay, so if I'm a two, if it's relationship based decision, a bad or good decision, say let's say it's a bad decision I'm making. I might be making a bad decision based on the influence of how I'm recognized.
Speaker 2:Or how Well that would be. more of the three would be. how am I recognized? So the three is all about getting that shame reduced by being able to perform, to being able to be seen as someone that has great value in what you do.
Speaker 1:It's two then to be loved.
Speaker 2:To be loved, yeah, all right, all right.
Speaker 1:Where, as a nine, I might just say I really don't care if you love me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:I mean I'm going with my gut here.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's right, and I guess we're not friends now. Yes, i can be an island.
Speaker 1:I don't need to, that does mess with my piece, but I yeah.
Speaker 2:But I still. it's not quite the same Right.
Speaker 1:All right, that's very interesting. What else would we say about the heart?
Speaker 2:Is there anything?
Speaker 1:else to say about the heart.
Speaker 2:Well, the heart, because there is an outward focus. they can pretty much come into a room and take the temperature of the room and know how others are feeling, because they're trying to reduce their shame by being accepted by you again in different ways, and so they're going to be focused more on what you're feeling than what they're feeling, so there can be a real disconnect for them. even though they're called the heart or the feeling triad, it's not so much about their feelings, it's about other people's feelings.
Speaker 1:Oh, so then can they ignore their own feelings? and sometimes because they're so outwardly focused. Yes, yeah. So, they might be. In a way, they might be more apt to care for others and yeah than not care for themselves. Or because of how they're made, when they're caring for others, they feel good.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But they might be ignoring themselves in the process.
Speaker 2:Yeah, especially the twos. You know the twos as that loving person. They really believe that it's more blessed to give than to receive, And so they can give 24, seven and think that they don't have their own needs, And so they're really pouring in an unhealthy space from an empty cup. For the threes they wanna reduce their shame again by being seen as someone that's a high performer, that's winning, that's successful.
Speaker 2:And you think about threes as they're growing up, especially in school or in sports, where it's like, oh, I can get the A's, I can get the first place, I can get the top of the class, So there's always something that can cause success for them. But then they just don't outgrow, that you know. And so they're still constantly looking for how again, not consciously, but being able to look at how do I reduce this shame or not feeling worthy by things that I do or performing? And then fours they have in their own unique way, they focus on how they can be special, What are their special talents or characteristics? Because they really value their own individuality and creativity. So I can reduce my shame if somebody sees me as special or unique.
Speaker 1:Okay, and the fours. Rumor has it that fours, a lot of times, are our artists.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:How I can be seen and how I can be special.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And artists are very special and unique in the things that they create and do. That's right, and who they are.
Speaker 2:Yes, such gifts and talents in a wide variety of ways, wide range of creativity that they can bring into the world, wow.
Speaker 1:So that's the heart, that's two, three and four. And two is loving others, and you said three is performing, and four is how they can be special And their emotions are their thing. Yes, right, or your emotions, yeah, other people's, yeah, other people's emotions.
Speaker 2:But a healthy place for them. You know, like we talked about for the gut triad, a healthy place for the two is really having solitude, having time to themselves, having a space where they can also process their feelings. Looking at that, they are worthy because, you know, not that it has to be based on something, but they're just worthy because they're them. So that's an important step in growing in the heart triad.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. Wow, gut heart. Now we move to the I assume the thinkers, five, six and seven, the people maybe we should be listening to. I don't know.
Speaker 2:We really need to have a heart and a head as part of our podcast. Yeah, because this is just a totally gut response, that's right.
Speaker 1:No way, no way.
Speaker 2:Yes, but.
Speaker 1:You know we can.
Speaker 2:Yes, our friends in the head triad. They also have a core feeling that they struggle with, and that is fear, and so for them, they try to fill their heads with knowledge or with things that will help them to feel safe and secure or competent. Of course, you're right, they are the thinkers. They do a lot of analysis, they gather the facts And really they do try to gain their security through planning and thinking, being able to have foresight and things.
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, this is continuing in the thread of decision making. This might be an easier one, actually, because it seems like these folks would be the very best decision makers.
Speaker 2:Well, they are great at gathering information to make a decision, but their struggle is actually making the decision.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:So I share a story about a friend of mine that needed a new washing machine. Her husband was a five, and so she just, you know, kept taking the clothes to the laundry mat three weeks going to the laundry mat, because her husband is a five, which is gathering more and more information about which is the best one to get. And so then, finally, she set a boundary with him and said, okay, saturday I'm gonna go to the store, i'm just gonna pick the one that I think is the cutest washing machine to get. And then he finally made a decision. you know, because sevens and fives and sixes, they gather a lot of information, but actually putting that into an action step can be the challenge for them.
Speaker 1:So here is, I'm gonna blow your mind.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm ready. No, it's not really.
Speaker 1:As a matter of fact, most people know this. We call that analysis paralysis.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So you can't make a decision because you're just sitting there analyzing to death you know which washing machine am I gonna buy Here?
Speaker 2:are the features all of that.
Speaker 1:And then you can't pull the trigger on anything Where I think, then the other two worlds of head and head and, I'm sorry, heart and gut would maybe be quicker. Less analysis, right?
Speaker 2:Exactly Yeah, the gut would be just really quick. You know whichever ones.
Speaker 1:I need one now. Let's do that, yes.
Speaker 2:On sale, or Hey, I did five minutes of research.
Speaker 1:Does it wash clothes?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Go Bye.
Speaker 2:And the heart may be more like what do you want? Like is there, you know what would make you?
Speaker 2:feel good. What are you thinking? The head triad though they would be, yeah, analysis, paralysis, and the reason, again, is because they are trying to diminish that underlying fear. And so, for the five in particular, in this scenario, he was afraid he wasn't going to get the right one, that he hadn't done enough research. So you know what, if I don't know something, it's the fear of not knowing everything. For the six, it's the fear of being insecure, not being safe. For the seven, it's the fear of pain, and so it expresses in different ways, but all coming from that place, then, of well, if I could just gather more information, if I could just be ahead on a stick, then I can be disconnected from my emotions.
Speaker 2:I can be disconnected from the body, But like all the other numbers, the head needs to lean into the gut and the heart. It's really a great step for those in the head triad to be moving in the body, So for them doing exercise, being in nature, having different ways to just connect. There was a very sweet pastor that I knew of who was a five. He decided to get a massage. He was like this is the weirdest thing ever, But he said during the massage it was like the first time that like his head and body were really connected And he said he just experienced a lot of emotion because it was just such a real experience.
Speaker 1:He would never do this. This is very right. Like no way.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow. So for all of us, whatever triad we're in, we have to it feels like each one has to step back and take a pause when it comes to decision making. I know I leaned on that, but I just wanted something solid, the same for each triad and lean into the other too.
Speaker 2:Yes, which?
Speaker 1:you've said very well, But while there seems like there's just a lot to know with this, but once you kind of understand it it does help you step back and say maybe I shouldn't just react as a person in the gut triad, Maybe I need to think about how I feel if I'm in the heart triad And then, if I'm in the head triad, maybe I need to lean on some people's emotion.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I don't know what you get from us gut people Make the decision.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that helps spur them on to make a decision.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if I'm in the head triad, i could say I have all this information and I just don't know what to do. You could take it to a gut person. They just point at it and go yeah, it looks like that one. Yeah, do that.
Speaker 2:Well, and that's also important too, not only do we stretch as an individual, but we also want to stretch into our relationships, and so for someone in the gut to have a head friend to be able to process through things, vice versa, for someone in the head to have a gut friend to be able just to process but also have that moving forward, for all of us to have connections to the heart, just to be able to actually receive their care but also to care for them. So, yeah, it helps us to be well-rounded individually and within our friendships too.
Speaker 1:The triads numbers with numbers around them and in the Enneagram circle. those are the numbers that are right beside one another, kind of like eight is on the one side of the nine and the one is on the other side. You'd have to look, I can't do it over the podcast.
Speaker 2:Again, it's like that circle with three pies, three pieces of the pie. They're neighbors And yet, like for the two, the one is the neighbor, so the two has a connection to the gut triad, because the one is the neighbor, And so it's the numbers in the middle, like the three, six and the nine, that the neighbors are in the same gut.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, And so maybe is it harder then for those in the middle to get to the other pieces of the pie.
Speaker 2:It is Ha, of course it is. Yes, and we'll be talking more about how those numbers have their own nuance.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2:Again numbers within the numbers having number relations.
Speaker 1:I was so bad at math in school and gladly, gladly And grammar.
Speaker 2:I was bad at that.
Speaker 1:Ha ha ha ha. I'm so glad this is not math, but there are a lot of numbers. It's a lot of fun everyone. This has been a great episode about triads. Think about the triads. Think about what piece of the pie you're in. Step back and when you're making decisions or working in relationships, think about who you are and what you can get from the other pieces of the pie.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:And maybe a more well-rounded person. Yes, that's right, all right. Well, thanks everyone for listening to Enneagram. You and we hope you join us next time. Thanks again, bye Kelly, bye Damon. Tell me what you do. Tell me what you do With our love in your heart, with our love by your side, with our love by your side.