EnneagramU
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EnneagramU
THE THREE
What if you could tap into the secrets of the Enneagram Three personality type? How would you like to understand the dynamics of these achievers who bring great motivation and effectiveness to our world? In today's episode, we offer an enlightening exploration of the Enneagram Three, sharing insights into their relentless drive for success, and their tenacity in achieving results. However, the journey doesn't stop there - we also touch upon the challenges these individuals face, such as their struggle to connect with their emotions and the difficulty in recognizing and trusting their feelings.
But there's a twist to the narrative. We journey into the darker side of the Enneagram Three's ambition, discussing their susceptibility to deception in their quest for success. Unmask the unique subtypes of the Enneagram Three and their common yearnings for external validation. We also underscore the impact of failure and downtime on this personality type, often perceived as devaluation. With a focus on rest and replenishment, we offer tips to help these achievers slow down, avoid burnout, and stay at the top of their game. So tune in for a captivating exploration of the world of the Enneagram Three.
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This is an eight thing. I carry way more than I should when I'm going to my car.
Speaker 2:I thought you meant in life in general.
Speaker 1:Literally and figuratively so.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Enneagram you with Damon and Kelly, where we explore the mysteries of human personality and help you learn more about you. Whether you're a skeptic or an enthusiast, together we'll take you on a journey of self-discovery using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. This is Enneagram you. Hey, everyone, welcome to Enneagram you. My name is Damon and I'm here with my friend Kelly. Hi, kelly.
Speaker 1:Hey Damon. Kelly how you feeling today? Yeah, I'm ready for this one.
Speaker 2:So let me set the story up. Wait, I gotta sit down.
Speaker 1:Yes, sit down, make yourself comfortable. No, I was leaving today and if you know me and this is an eight thing I carry way more than I should when I'm going to my car.
Speaker 2:Oh, I thought you meant in life in general.
Speaker 1:Literally and figuratively. So it's nothing for me to like carry my backpack, have both arms full. So today I was leaving to come and meet with you and my backpack's light and I needed to bring a couple things over here to this building and one of them was like a pretty large sign, very, very light. So I was like this is nothing. So I'm getting ready to leave the building and I walk out and all of a sudden the wind is just crazy.
Speaker 2:I knew where this was going. It's windy today. It was something, yeah.
Speaker 1:so my feeling is surprise and also annoyed. I gripped so hard to that poster and then I also have like these little papers with this plastic thing. I left marks on the paper with how much I was gripping.
Speaker 2:I thought you were going to say the sign blew out of your hand.
Speaker 1:It almost did. It almost did, and you know, chase it down the road. Ties are like this is going to take off and I'm going to have to run after it because it's so light and the wind is so strong. So you would have a kite in there, but as an 8, I was just gripped on like it was not going to defeat me. I was going to beat that thing into submission.
Speaker 2:You know you could take two trips.
Speaker 1:I could have turned around and said okay, I'm just going to set this in here, go get my car.
Speaker 2:Oh no, or find a two. I know I was really looking for somebody out there, yeah.
Speaker 1:This one guy that was walking by me and he just kind of smiled at me and I thought, yeah, I probably look like the biggest crazy person, me Grypton, and it's flying back and forth yes, How's it, peace man?
Speaker 2:I'm walking through, I'll show you Nice comfort zone here, so yeah, but I was really surprised. Yeah, that was strong. The wind was, I guess can blow you away.
Speaker 1:It was gusty, like it did not stop all the way to the car.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Okay, well, I'm so glad you made it here on time. Yes, and in one piece and you didn't fly away.
Speaker 1:Now tomorrow, I imagine my hands will be cramping. Just wow, there will be some kind of response.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, how's the poster?
Speaker 1:I know you're okay, I think it made it yeah.
Speaker 2:Where you? I should have said where you hurt.
Speaker 1:No, but it was not hurt, just mostly surprised and annoyed and praying with each step that that poster would not fly out of my hand because my hands were full, yeah, so I couldn't have just dropped everything else.
Speaker 2:So right, yeah, so surprised you come. You committed, yes, committing to do this in one trip.
Speaker 1:That is my life I commit and I go big.
Speaker 2:You do.
Speaker 1:That is so true about you, oh, yes, and the rest of us just stay, stay back and watch stay in back and watch and shock and awe and shaking of the head, so yeah, Well, I'm feeling okay.
Speaker 2:I mean I'm, I'm laughing at you and with you but mostly that makes me happy right there.
Speaker 1:So I'm feeling happy.
Speaker 2:I don't have any. Yeah, I was thinking to myself I want to come in some. I don't really, but like I need to come in someday with something, you know I am so angry that I want and I just can't do it yet, but it could happen.
Speaker 1:Well, as you continue to build trust and work on identifying your feelings, yes, one day I am just prepared for.
Speaker 2:Well, you told me I'm mad all the time, and that was early on, and so I've been thinking about that, and so I have to ask myself what am I?
Speaker 1:at today. That's right, yeah, cause for a nine it's not peaceful to be angry, so those feelings can just go under the surface and just stuff them down.
Speaker 2:That's right. I'm probably mad about everything. Really, you are.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's over.
Speaker 2:It's over, all right. What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1:Today we are getting to talk about the three.
Speaker 2:The three is one of my favorite numbers. Yes, I did some extensive research and I've had extensive experience with the number three.
Speaker 1:Yes, tell us about that.
Speaker 2:Well, I am married to a three, I believe. Yeah, so I know I bet, as you talk about the three, I'm just gonna sit here and go mm-hmm, yep, uh-huh.
Speaker 1:And in a positive way In celebration for the amazing gifts that threes bring to our world.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then I'm gonna share something. Well, let's just talk about three and then we'll see if I get there or not. Okay, yep, I'm intrigued now. Okay, on this idea, On this idea yep.
Speaker 1:Well, three, just right off the bat, they are the effective people, so they have a great way of motivating us. That's one of their characteristics. They are the achievers in our world. They value making accomplishments, setting goals and getting to those production and image. Working hard, the threes have an energy that the rest of us just go. How do they do what they do and they are able to just see life in a way of the challenges that they're facing. And how do we orchestrate that to get as much done in a day that we can? They are busy people. They love to win, so they're very competitive. They help us all of us get to the goals that we want to get to and they can put us on course for those goals.
Speaker 1:You're shaking your head like yeah, there's probably stories going through your mind right now.
Speaker 2:I'm thinking this is an understatement. Everything you're saying Three's are. Yes, they're everything and more that you mentioned. But what's interesting is when you came in and you told your story about going to the car and you were gonna take all this stuff at one time, eights and threes seem of always. To me seemed very similar and hard to tell apart.
Speaker 2:I would have said my wife at one point was an eight, no doubt. And then she took some test and it was a three and I think she said I was one point away from a one and I said the world is ending around me.
Speaker 1:You know that moment where you're just like okay, yeah, no wait.
Speaker 2:I don't know anyway. Yeah, so all those things you said and so much energy, and I see that in you as an eight, but in my wife I see that as a three. She will work like no one I've ever seen, and I think it energizes her to work.
Speaker 2:It isn't really like in a negative sense. But I'll have to say to her sometimes it can be now, maybe this is normal for everybody that's listening, but it's not normal for me. It can be nine o'clock at night, 10 o'clock at night, and she is. She could still be in her office. I might have to like say hey, are you gonna shut down soon? You know, and she's just like what, what time is it? She doesn't even know she's going, going, going. The list never end, and that's what energizes her and makes her happy.
Speaker 1:Yes, they really do get energy from doing and they get a lot of things done, and you're right for them. Taking time off can actually be a little bit disruptive for them, like they just would prefer a day where they could work from the time they get up to the time they go to bed. But this is where the threes really need the nine, so this is where your relationship is really helped, like you were so healthy for your wife.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you guessed. Yes, that's what I was wondering. And you know, last time we talked about the lines that go between the numbers, and then we need to name those. I haven't yet come up with that name yet. It wouldn't stick anyway, probably. But yeah, there's a line, right, you know, from a three to a nine and a six.
Speaker 1:I believe yes.
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, there must be some. I think what that means is when I'm healthy and as a nine, I think I'm moving toward the three.
Speaker 1:And that could be wrong. Well, I really think you can take on the positive attributes of both the arrows. And so for the nine, the struggle is the inertia. And so for the three, our inertia is never a problem.
Speaker 2:Right, and I just can't. I can't always keep up with that, to be quite honest, yes very few can Right. When I get going, I mean I can work a long, long time. Sometimes getting me going is the issue like you said but then I'm like you can't stop me and I'm very similar to the three in that sense, and I always wanted to be a three, but then I get tired.
Speaker 1:Yes, You're a human and what you bring to, what nines bring to threes, which are so important, is just that space of rest in the day. I had a mentor years ago that just gave me this really simple way of looking at it. She said, kelly, there's three parts of a day. There's morning, afternoon, evening. I know that's shocking.
Speaker 2:No, yeah.
Speaker 1:But she said two parts of those days can be about work and accomplishments. One part has to be about rest and I think for threes and eights to be able to have a time in the day that it's just about rest and replenishment is so important for them, even though they would say working is so exciting. Working is so fun Like I just don't want to stop.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I find that and she's really good at this that she will. Well, because she's great at scheduling and doing tasks, she will schedule her vacations.
Speaker 1:She will schedule her.
Speaker 2:I mean like where I would just say, hey, let's stop and let's rest, or let's go take a walk, or and it'll be a little more sporadic where for her, if she uses her skill set, she'll just say well, I'll just add that to my to-do list.
Speaker 1:Yes, because it's something she can check off. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then, as a matter of fact, right now she's on vacation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's getting that checked off her list yeah.
Speaker 2:And she has, but I think she also has to totally disconnect because, sometimes work is just always there. It's too close, yes and so to completely remove yourself from the situation. If you're three, that might be helpful.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think in our world today, where we take our work with us wherever we go like if we have our phone, we have access to work, and so for three is really needing to set that boundary on times just to unplug and that may mean like a fast from social media, maybe disconnect. When you go on vacation, I'm not going to take my email, I'm not going to check my email, having some of those boundaries because it's just so easy for threes to slip in there, because they feel so, so good about themselves when they're able to accomplish and do things.
Speaker 2:And the Western culture. There I've heard this there are a lot of threes, because our, our capitalistic society and the value of work and getting things done and achieving in the United States especially that's that's a big deal, and so, or as a high value, whether it should or shouldn't be, I don't know, but it is a high value and and so there's a lot of threes, probably because of the nature nurture thing.
Speaker 2:I really shouldn't tell stories on on her, but I will say that as she was growing up and we both grew up on farms and there the work ethic was, you know, that was a high, high value getting things done, getting up early getting the job done. You know it might rain tomorrow, so everything the hay has to be, you can't put it off tomorrow. That kind of stuff yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, and for threes, then that can lead to the challenge area for them, because not only in their personality are they prone to just get so much acceptance for what they do, just naturally. Also our environment sets them up for that too. Like you said, being a kid on the farm like there was no choice you get up and you work, and at the end of the hard days work you feel really good about yourself. But for threes, where that can create a challenge for them is feeling like they're only as good as what they do and so more of conditional kind of love and acceptance, not like I accept you for who you are, but I'll be accepted for what I do. And so they say it's really likely for a three to be more about a human doer than more than more of a human being.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, I can see that for sure, and especially living on the unhealthy side of that.
Speaker 1:I read.
Speaker 2:I read this statement. It's not a funny statement, but it said there's nothing sadder than an unsuccessful three.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh my gosh. Makes me feel bad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but yeah because they live for success.
Speaker 1:Yeah they live for winning and, yeah, there's opportunities, and that's where you can see them. The unhealthy side of the three come out. They're besetting struggle, and this sounds so negative, but let me nuance it a bit. Their struggle is deception or deceit, and it does not mean that threes aren't honest people, because they definitely are. But in order to feel loved and accepted, if they have to do somewhere in their mind, they may lie to themself or spin things to look better than how things really are, and so that's the challenge for a three is just being able to see where they're, even maybe having some of those lies that they're saying to themselves. Like one of the little questions that I share with people to see if there are three is that you tend to put work before other things, including if you're sick, and so for a three, sometimes they won't tell themselves the truth about how they're really feeling, because they just want to push through and go to work, and so that's kind of how that deception plays out.
Speaker 2:Gotcha, yeah, so they, their value is in getting things done, and so the opposite of that is that if they don't get things done, then they don't feel valued right, right or if they're not successful, they don't feel valued. Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So if they're maybe working on a project that didn't turn out how they thought it would, or you know the the F word that threes don't like is failure, oh, okay, so if there is a failure that they've encountered, they might spend it to where they still come out on top, or they don't really look at the depth of why things didn't work the way they wanted to, because that really creates a space where they're going to be invalidated or not valued. And so a great place for threes is just being able to recognize that failure is a part of the process of learning and growing and that you're safe to fail, you're safe to try new things, You're encouraged to be off work when you're sick, you're encouraged to take vacation. You know those kind of things. Just to replenish.
Speaker 2:Did you hear that threes? Yes, you're one of the people that I'm married to. I do have to qualify and say that the person that I am married to is the healthiest three that I know.
Speaker 1:Yes, very much so.
Speaker 2:She is wonderful. There was something else I was going to say. Oh, there's two kinds of threes, is that right? That's kind of getting into the weeds, maybe a little bit, but I don't know, is it normal?
Speaker 1:It's very helpful to look at and it helps us, if we look at the animals, to just be able to make these distinctions. So for the more introverted kind of three, or behind the scenes three, the animal is a beaver, so like being busy, getting a lot of things done, being industrious, but also not having to be in the spotlight. So they're just doing. They want the words of appreciation and affirmation, but they definitely don't want to be in the limelight and so that would be one type of three. The other is more of the extroverted three and the animal for that is the peacock and so very much like they really value image and being able again to be celebrated for their accomplishments. So they do value being brought up on the platform to get just that affirmation for all that they've done. They. They've grown up getting the blue ribbons or the first place or the the A's, and so they really value that external affirmation. Both are kind of competitive.
Speaker 2:Both are very competitive. Yes, is an eight competitive.
Speaker 1:You're competitive, an eight is also competitive. See the confusion. Yes, okay, you know, and I was. I have my conversation, I think nines are competitive too, honestly. I just am so mad about not winning.
Speaker 2:Especially they have the eight wing, yeah, and I'm so mad about not winning, I just don't even talk about it.
Speaker 1:Yes, that breaks my peace. It's kind of like we said with helping. What is the motivation for us to be competitive? Right, for a three, it's about their accomplishments, getting all those things checked off their list. I think for the eight, where they're competitive, it's like I need to conquer this.
Speaker 2:One thing that I read is that a lie. They believe that it's not okay to have their own feelings. I don't know. I think my wife has a very strong two. We'll call it a two wing, because she's also a helper. Yes, so I think, but that can also I don't know that could actually work against her. Everything is, everything is. I don't know what I believe anymore.
Speaker 1:Again another. The world is blowing up moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, the three. If you think about our conversation earlier in an earlier episode about the heart triad, we have the two and the three and the four. Well, the three is right in the middle of the heart triad, so the wings are going to also be in the heart triad. And so for a three, a lot of times they are more concerned about how someone else is feeling or how someone else feels about them, and so they're trying to reduce their anxiety by being accepted or being seen as valuable by others, and so, a lot of times and they'll be disconnected with how they really feel, and this would go back to even being a human being. You know, a human being is going to know how you feel, but a human doer is going to be disconnected from the feelings and hoping to feel better by what I do. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2:All right. So if you're a three, your love for yourself and not just what you do right.
Speaker 1:Take that day, an aspect of each day off, like have one section of your day where it's about rest and replenishment and I think it's very difficult again to set those boundaries, but to recognize that it's okay. And I think, the evening off for rest and replenishment because tomorrow that's going to make me more productive. That's a great truth.
Speaker 2:It feels like in that threes could do anything Like as far as their occupations, whatever their I don't know passion is, they're going to work really hard at it. Where I think. Sometimes we think like maybe a two would lean toward oh, I'm going to be a teacher or I'm going to be a healthcare provider or I'm going to be some sort of servant towards others, and a three could just it could be any job. Really it could, and I mean all the numbers could be any job but, I wondered if there is a occupation.
Speaker 2:Threes are they the? I would think eights would be maybe the executives of the world or the leaders of the world. I would see threes as doing that as well.
Speaker 1:Definitely. Yeah, the threes and eights can really be in those C-suite kind of jobs or executive levels. But yeah, for the three especially, they are so self-propelled. So whatever they set their sights to, they're probably going to get there because they just wanna be successful.
Speaker 2:I wonder if threes would be. They're performers. They're like the peacock that wants to be seen giving the spotlight.
Speaker 1:That would probably be more of the three wing four you know, of being able to use that creativity and perform and have that confidence to be able to get up on stage. You know it takes a special strength and confidence to get in front of people you know to share your gifts and talents Right right when on the beaver side, it's just behind the scenes work lots of it, yes, lots and lots of work.
Speaker 1:Well, and you think about, you know four or three if we, for the rest of us, as our Enneagram numbers, if we think about for the three. What's difficult is that so often they have to deal with our inefficiencies so they again can see the world in terms of how to get a lot of things done in a short amount of time and the rest of us are just kind of slugs.
Speaker 2:And so they have to be patient with us. I know they do have to be patient with us. Cause. Sloth doesn't mean lazy.
Speaker 1:No, right, just at a different pace. Right, that's right.
Speaker 2:Yes, I just think you know threes are definitely hard to keep up with.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, Well, and you know, again, for a three, an invitation is just to try to find those ways to connect back to being a human, you know, being a human being and being able to not push yourself to do. But that's uncomfortable for a three. And so having some things maybe on a list that you can do to be human, you know, instead of it being I've got to go and accomplish these things, it could be I can go lay down for 10 minutes and just relax, or I can, you know, set it on the porch, or I can take a leisurely walk, not just a power walk, you know, to exercise, this is more. What are those ways that we can have some fun? Yeah, but that's really uncomfortable. It's, you know it's uncomfortable for a three to have a day completely off because there's not a plan, there's not things to check off my list, or there is a list that I need to check things off, but I'm not allowed to get to it and that can drive a three crazy.
Speaker 1:Now you know threes now you know what's going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Well, you've given threes some great advice on, just you know, disconnecting is important, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:It's okay. But it.
Speaker 2:You know it's funny. It's not in their nature to do that to disconnect because they're achievers. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, and that's where I think the gift of the Enneagram gives us those places to stretch into so we can grow to be the healthiest version of ourself that we can. And we're not going to find it in our space. So a three doesn't get healthier by working more. A three gets healthier, like you were saying. To move to the nine, to have spaces of relaxation, taking time off, being able just to relax and enjoy something. So that's how we have to grow.
Speaker 2:Wow, this has been really interesting and you know what I'm super excited about? I'm really excited about my wife hearing this podcast and me going home after it airs.
Speaker 1:Are you going to warn her or are you just going to let her randomly maybe listen? Maybe she'll just randomly listen.
Speaker 2:She won't if it isn't on her task to do list. Okay, there you go, so there I'll know, all I have to do is peek over her shoulder and see what are you? Working on today. Oh, going to miss that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or if it's on there, you go ahead and check it off, and that way she'll probably just bypass it. She won't even look, cause once it's checked off it doesn't exist anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah no, that's probably not going to work. She's too smart for me. Anyway. Well, thanks, Kelly. This has been really helpful and hopefully very helpful for all the three's out there.
Speaker 1:Yes, definitely.
Speaker 2:Well, thanks everybody for listening and we will see you next week on Enneagram. Thank you, bye, kelly, bye.