I Feel You, A Fortify Wellness Production
Bettina Mahoney the Founder/CEO of @atfortifywellness is a rape survivor who started her brand after struggling to not only find a therapist, but multiple mediums to heal through her trauma. Fortify Wellness is a 360 holistic platform offering therapy, coaching, fitness, and meditation on one subscription platform. We dive deep with our trailblazing guests about overcoming adversity.
I Feel You, A Fortify Wellness Production
Kelsey Darragh on Panic Attacks, Anxiety & Turning Her Story into Power
Kelsey Darragh is a content creator, filmmaker, and writer with over 2M followers on social media and 50k+ copies sold of her bestselling book, Don't F*cking Panic. With experience as a development executive at BuzzFeed, and as the creator of her podcast and video series Confidently Insecure, Kelsey crafts authentic content that resonates with diverse audiences while breaking down stigmas.
As a documentary director and executive producer, she has written and directed award-winning pieces, including her upcoming documentary, Rehumanize, a powerful exploration of the impact of restorative justice.
In this episode, Kelsey shares her journey with raw vulnerability, showing how unveiling her mask has led to deeper connections, personal growth, and healing. She discusses:
- Using humor in childhood to mask pain and seek attention as a survival mechanism
- The breakthrough moment at BuzzFeed when sharing her mental health story publicly created unexpected connection
- Her complex relationship with medication and the challenging process of finding what works
- Navigating sobriety after building a personal brand partially around drinking culture
- The transformative power of talking openly about anxiety with friends who responded with acceptance
- Personal anxiety toolkits and grounding techniques tailored to each individual
- Inner child work and learning to speak to yourself with kindness
- Widening her "window of tolerance" through safe but challenging experiences
Kelsey’s story is about turning struggle into power, embracing vulnerability, and reclaiming your narrative.
💡 Fortify Wellness app launches October 19th! Join our waitlist at www.fortifywellness.com
for holistic support combining therapy, coaching, fitness, and meditation all in one subscription.
Credits:
Producer / Host: Bettina Mahoney
Executive Producer: Ava Hoffman
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**This information is not to be misconstrued as medical or psychological advice. Please contact your medical team if you have questions or concerns pertaining to your medical or psychological well-being. All of the linked products are independently selected, and curated by the fab Fortify team. If you love and buy something we link to, we may earn a commission.**
You're listening to the Fortify Wellness Podcast. I'm Bettina Mahoney, founder, survivor and, honestly, your unlicensed emotional support friend. Season nine is here and we're not doing surface-level conversation. This is for anyone who's ever ugly cried at 3 am, spiraled in their own head, questioned everything and still got up the next day. We're diving into healing that actually slaps Mind, body and soul. No fake positivity, no, just journal it out advice. We're talking raw stories that kind of make you go oh wow, yep, same and expert gems that actually help and listen. We're leveling up. We've got conversations with voices who are literally changing the game. Quick disclaimer this isn't therapy or medical advice. It's real talk, lived experience and tools you can steal to rebuild your life. So buckle up. Season 9 starts now. Subscribe, log in and let's get fortified.
Speaker 1:Look, you guys know I've been through it. I struggled to find help that actually felt like help Therapy here, coaching there, fitness apps, everywhere. It was just a mess. So I built the thing I wish existed when I was struggling. It's called the Fortify Wellness app, a 360 holistic platform that pulls it all together Talk, therapy, coaching, fitness and meditation on one subscription. No bouncing between five logins no, where do I even start? Think of it as a giant group hug for the version of you that's finally ready to try the messy version, the healing version, the I want my life back version. We're live October 19th. It's happening and I cannot wait for you to feel this happening and I cannot wait for you to feel this.
Speaker 1:Go to wwwwefortifywellnesscom to join the wait list and subscribe to this podcast, whatever you need to do, but let's never give up and let's get fortified. You guys, this was like the podcast. Gods came down and just brought this next guest and I together and it was so raw and authentic and just so vulnerable and it was such a pleasure. I'm so excited to welcome Kelsey Dura, who is a content creator, filmmaker and writer with over 50,000 copies of her book sold and over 2 million followers on social media. With previous experience as a development executive at BuzzFeed, launching her own podcast and video series Confidently Insecure, and writing her best selling book, don't F-ing Panic, kelsey continuously crafts authentic content that resonates with diverse audiences and breaks down stigmas. As a documentary director and executive producer, kelsey has written and directed a number of award-winning pieces, including her documentary Rehumanize, a powerful piece on the impact of restorative justice set to be out later this year, let's get into it. Fortifiers. Hey Kelsey, thank you so much for joining me. How are you?
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I'm always really excited and I think this is very on brand for you. I like to start with just like ripping off the bandaid.
Speaker 2:So let's do it.
Speaker 1:Band-aids are off ripping off the bandaid. So let's do it. Band-aids are off. Yes, so when you're alone in your room without your makeup on, maybe the robes on. When you take away all the titles, the cameras are away. Who are?
Speaker 2:you Whoa, just a naked little mole rat. That's like the imaging that first came to mind. Like the imaging that first came to mind, I think I'm just a gal. Just a gal in the world, trying to make a difference, trying to make an impact, trying to make people laugh, trying to make the world a little bit easier, of a place to exist for women and femmes.
Speaker 1:I love that and I feel like there is such a crossover for me in laughing about some of my hardships in my life.
Speaker 2:But how did that start for you? I think it was probably that I didn't get enough attention as a child. I am the youngest out of my family and everyone always just said I was so dramatic and attention seeking and I always thought that was like a bad thing. I felt very like shameful of it, and so I think the way I would cover up my pain was through jokes and like getting attention and being the clown of the room. And as I got older I'll never forget I had a therapist tell me once when she when you know I was talking about like growing up that way and she was like why would wanting attention be a bad thing? Like why is it wrong to want to be seen and to be heard and have your needs met? And I was like you know what? You're fucking right. And so ever since then I've kind of just embraced this like loud, no filter nature of existing and stopped making myself small and trying to make other people feel the same way about their you know traumas.
Speaker 1:Because I feel the same way, growing up with divorced parents and wanting to kind of mask my sadness by making the people around me laugh because I thought I was fixing the problem and you learn later on that's actually fixing the problem.
Speaker 2:They're like you're very funny, but what's going on underneath?
Speaker 1:And that's really hard, like unveiling the mask right. It's very intimidating and can take a lot of time to sort of to begin that process, because it stems from self-love and I don't think I have as a young person at all.
Speaker 2:No well, no one does Like, I think, unless we're, unless it's very drilled into you by your parents. I think we're taught to actually, especially as women, to like kind of hate ourselves.
Speaker 1:I think so. A lot of unlearning. That, yeah, absolutely. So. What in your early years? Like? What's one thing that maybe, like the people around you, or maybe even your followers, would never guess about you and your experiences?
Speaker 2:It was probably in my mid-20s that I started talking about my severe anxiety and panic attacks. And you know, I just turned 35 this weekend and I'm not. I didn't grow up in a generation where people talked about that Like panic attack wasn't a word, you were like committed or a witch and burned at the stake. I mean not that old, but still that's what it felt like Like just no one was talking about it and I was someone that could go and perform on stage or talk in front of a camera or host an event or whatever. And people would be like what do you mean? You have anxiety? What do you mean? You have panic attacks? Like what do you mean? You get agoraphobic? No, you don't. You don't act like it.
Speaker 2:And that was something I was very afraid to reveal about myself, and it was mostly because I didn't want people to not only think of me less, like I somehow wasn't as strong and confident and like of a role model. I still wanted to be like a role model for people, but I also was just afraid of talking about it without having any fixes for people. You know, I didn't ever know how to manage it until I got older, and so I didn't want to come out with this thing and just be like and, by the way, I have no answers for you guys about it either so it took me a little while to kind of be okay with just coming out and saying you know, this is something I struggle with, this is something that has taken over my life, and here's what I'm doing to kind of show you guys the path of you know what healing that looks like for me.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting. I felt the same way because I started my platform after I was raped and, even though I'm not in that same consciousness anymore, I felt this undying need to help people. And I didn't really know what that came with. And then along the way I realized, oh well, like I'm actually worthy, with or without this thing. But I was really desperate to help people because I knew how frustrating it was to not feel seen and go through panic attacks and not knowing how to tag. That was how I was feeling.
Speaker 1:I just thought I was going insane and like the anxiety and depression and the people around me that were like, oh, get over it, yeah, come on depression. And the people around me that were like, oh, get over it, yeah. And you're like, how the hell do I do that? Like I just came, it feels like back from war with my body. And how do I relearn this? And it's true, like along the way, we might not have all the answers, but I think it's really helpful to say, hey, I'm struggling, you know totally, and I'm in the New York area. I get panic attacks on the train sometimes, like super safe on the train.
Speaker 2:I remember those days oh my god. I had a panic attack on my first ever subway ride when I moved to Brooklyn when I was 17 or 18, and I just remember being like oh god damn it, I can't, this thing can't also be the thing. That fucking like is the trigger I got to use this to get around.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know I'm like I'm going to have to get the hell off this train, you know, and I think it's just listening to your body and being aware and I think it's kind of nice going like I don't have all the answers for you. This is just what I've been through and this is how you know I got through it and I think it can make people feel less alone. I think it keeps going through adversity to go. You know you can make it through as well. Was there like a defining moment in your life when you realized like I was meant for something bigger? If it like sparked something?
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%. So I worked at BuzzFeed during the heyday of, like, the internet video era making videos, and I led the internal mental health vertical for, like mental health week and stuff like that, and this was something that was just all internal for the office. You know, we wanted to fight to have like meditation space in the office or like have a therapist on hand for certain things or, like you know, access to that in our healthcare packages, et cetera. And so when we decided to do mental health week at BuzzFeed, it was a week where we were only posting things about mental health all over the website so videos, articles, et cetera. And I remember pitching that I was going to talk about my journey with pharmaceutical medication, like being diagnosed with all the meds that I had tried, and my idea was to make it top down and voiceover, so you never actually saw my face, and I thought this is a safe enough way where I can tell my story, but no one's going to know it's me, it's not. Like you know, I didn't have any tattoos back then. No, there was no identifying features, and I thought that was a safe way to keep, like, my distance still.
Speaker 2:And when we released the video, I mean it was, it's still to this day is probably one of the videos I'm most proud of and the impact in the comments and the people replying on you know the comments or on Instagram or wherever, or coming up to me in real life like people showing me they got like tattoos of of quotes on the videos.
Speaker 2:And you know, to this day I still get comments about that video from nearly eight or nine years ago and something I was so ashamed of and afraid to let the world know about me became like, oh, we're onto something here, like I think the world actually might need this a little bit more than we're leading on. And so that's when and you know, at that point at BuzzFeed too, you've gotten all the views, you've gotten the followers, like you've reached peak, like influencer, feeling right. And that wasn't helping me sleep any better, that wasn't like curing my panic attacks and I was like wait, I thought I was supposed to be better from like having all the things I want in my life come true. And I did it and I was like, okay, there, I see, I get it. I see what the universe is doing. There is something more to find peace within the self. And so you know, of course, once you start putting your work towards that meaningful stuff, you start having a lot better sleep at night.
Speaker 1:And do you want to share a little bit about your journey with?
Speaker 2:pharmaceuticals. Yeah, oh, my God, I have tried it all, been there, done that, fucked it, sucked it, snorted it, injected it Like, did this treatment, that treatment, eastern medicine, western medicine, like I don't know, a medication that I have not tried or was prescribed at some point and had a side effect from, or um, just the hell that is titrating on and off antidepressants Hell, that is titrating on and off antidepressants, ssris, snris, mood stabilizers, et cetera, was probably the most traumatic part about the experience of living with panic disorder. Because you're at some point, going. I'm doing all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing, I'm seeing the people and talking to the people that I'm supposed to be talking to. I'm, you know, doing the exercise. I'm eating, right, I stopped drinking. I do all this stuff and I still feel like ass.
Speaker 2:I still feel like I'm going to end up in a mental institution and that, like when you said that I feel like I was going crazy, like that was my biggest fear in life, was that one day I was just going to wake up and be one of those people that, like you know, everyone makes fun of on the side of the road and like has no empathy for and I just that was my biggest fear for some reason, and talking about pills too, when it was also a time where people were still kind of not very pro or they were very adamantly against. And so finding this kind of like middle ground to say, hey, there's probably someone in your life that you know that is on a medication and it's okay, and to also be struggling with finding your medication like that in itself is its own journey.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I relate to that. I remember many, many years ago I got help inpatient after wanting to not live anymore and it was a couple of years after I was raped and I remember, as I was leaving, they put me on Zoloft like the day I was leaving and that's a very antidepressant. Bye. Here we go, we go and I remember leaving and of course, as we know, a lot of the you know the side effects is like could you know, potentially have suicidal thoughts. And of course I got back and I had suicidal thoughts. I called up the psychiatrist. I'm like I'm not taking this anymore, ever again, and that was like the end of it for me.
Speaker 1:I was very anti medication for me. Based on my experiences, other people can do different things. On the other side of that, I have epilepsy and that medication has saved my life. I've been on it over 10 years now. So I'm not anti medication, I'm sort of anti just giving someone something to hope that it works out. It doesn't really work that way.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of doctors in my experience, even with birth control, we'll go here see what works and then they don't think about the other medications that you're on or how it can potentially, like you know, hurt you long term. You know, I think you have to really treat people holistically, whether it's like changing the diet or thinking about you know how we can move our bodies more things like that. And, of course, there's intense cases how I was years back. I wouldn't be able to have received that, I needed a lot of care. But in this headspace I'm in now, I'm like I need more. I need something that's going to change the way that I'm feeling and thinking about these things. So I definitely relate to that sentiment. I think it's really strong and I think it can be so scary, even today, in 2025, to talk about medication.
Speaker 2:There's so much stigma, you know there's like the clean girl aesthetic, right, like we're leaning so towards get all the chemicals out of our body, and like that. Now that's leaned all the way over to anti-vaxxers and you know, then we've got, you know, the clean makeup, but then the things we're eating are completely working against it, like we're told that we're supposed to be and do and look a certain way, and it doesn't help that the mental health medication industry is ran, you know, very irresponsibly, I believe, in this country. And, like you mentioned, there are so many other factors where it's almost like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. It's like wait, but what about the bullet hole? We got to get the bullet out and fix that and clean it. And, you know, take care of that. And so I I totally believe in, like you said, like a multifaceted, holistic, whole body approach where we can't just slap a med on something and hope that it covers up the symptoms, because underneath they're still going to have that stuff.
Speaker 2:And you know, I've been on and off medication. I've. I've loved it, I've hated it, I've been frustrated with myself, feeling like why do I need this when I have every other aspect of my life so put together? And I think the lesson I've learned with medication is that it's really never over. Like it's very flexible. It's a very flexible journey. It's okay to be off of it for a period of time, lean in when you need it more, when something might be going on in your life Like you can up it, you can lower it, you can use it just for panic attacks, you can use it just for your triggers, like. I think the idea of it just being a little bit more flexible is where I've landed to be happy with my relationship to it.
Speaker 1:How has your relationship to medication evolved at this stage of your life?
Speaker 2:Oh girl, there was a time in my life where I could not get on a plane without 60 milligrams of volume in my system. I had to be blacked out, zombie walking just hoping I would get to my destination Because I was so terrified of flying. And it became a crutch, like I was carrying my benzos with me just to go to the grocery store, just knowing I had them and could take it at a moment's notice and kind of like how you mentioned back then, that's what I thought was the best support for myself. I thought that's what I need to be able to function as a human. I couldn't receive any other kind of physical help. Like that was my crutch.
Speaker 2:And so learning how to even just distance myself from the physical act of having not carried pills around with me for years now, if you would have told me that 10, 15 years ago I would have called you crazy, like there's never a world in which I could do that. And now I can fly on a plane completely sober and not have a panic attack. And that's something I almost like ended my life over many times because of how bad it was and how bad my panic attacks would last and carry into like a disassociative, you know agoraphobic anxiety attack for a week afterwards. And now I'm like dude, who was that girl? That was crazy, that was some wild shit. I went.
Speaker 1:What did it take to get to that place where you are, that girl that's able to hop on the plane and manage your, your stressors, in that way?
Speaker 2:I will say the number one thing, and this isn't for everybody. I still do fun drugs, you know when the time calls. But alcohol for me was everything. It was the thing I used to be social, it was the thing I used to be calm, it was the thing I used to do for boredom, it was the thing I used to make friends and I used to always like tell myself that that was doing something, like drinking was doing something and it wasn't, and it made my anxiety a hundred times worse. It made my hangovers, it made my days longer, it made my pain more intense and that was again something.
Speaker 2:If you would have told me six years ago that I would drink any guy I was in all the alcohol videos Like I was looking at starting my own wine label, like those were my. My most popular videos were like girls who could drink and to shed. That was the easiest and most helpful. Biggest relief I found when you took out that, like literal toxic ethanol poisoning of the body, I was like, oh, okay, I just I leveled up. I've been wearing a weight to try and climb this mountain. It was just like taking off the boulder and being like, oh, my God, okay, now I can climb.
Speaker 2:And then you know, getting into breath work, holotropic breathing and widening my window of tolerance. So that's a really big thing that I teach at our Don't Panic Retreats, which is based off of the book that I wrote about anxiety attacks. And the window of tolerance is just putting yourself in safe but stressful environments, that kind of train your brain to understand like I can handle this. And we're widening that birth to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. So the next time you're in an uncomfortable situation it's not as intense. You're like, oh, I've been there before. Oh, I, you know, I can ice plunge for three minutes. This is nothing. Like, oh, I can breathe for an hour in a three part breath. This, you know, test is nothing. And so for me it was learning how to safely widen that window of tolerance in a way that felt authentic to me, which was not, you know, just exposure therapy or medication or, you know, just talk therapy.
Speaker 2:It was a combination of so many of those things and, I think, just also trying not to fight my body anymore. Like I felt such a betrayal for so long with my body's reaction to living and when I started treating it like I really didn't hate her anymore, when I started holding her and being like, oh girl, you've been suffering and you've been going through it and my inner monologue has just been beating the shit out of you for suffering and changing that narrative to loving kindness. I mean, that was also one of those light bulb moment switches for me.
Speaker 1:Wow. So do you have an inner child that you talk to? Oh, my God Duh, Don't we all? Yeah, I do. And sometimes people are like what are you talking about?
Speaker 2:Like, do you have 10? Oh, my God, I can see her like so clearly. It was a. It was a moment in a therapy session I had a great therapist years ago who told me to like, look next to me and imagine what you know my little self looked like. And the girl popped in my head. I mean I can see her clear as day. She has like a messy half up, half down ponytail with like a big fountain coming out of her head. That like I used to wear as a kid and I have like Gatorade stains all over my mouth Cause I used to drink Gatorade at soccer practice and I just I see her so easy and clearly and talking to her makes everything soft and simple and she is so innocent and simple and soft and so it sometimes it'll. It'll make you cry, it'll take you out of wherever the fuck you are in that moment, but it's it's so nice to be able to have that tool in my toolkit.
Speaker 1:Wow, what do you think she'd say to you?
Speaker 2:She was always so curious and didn't understand pain, yet Like she didn't get it, and so she was always comforting and, again, curious, I think, asking questions and just wanted to feel safe and seen. And so anytime I see her, I'm hearing her just say like I don't feel really safe right now, I don't know why, but like could you help me just feel a little bit safer? What's going on? Tell me a little bit about you know, and that's also my double Gemini rising in moon. I'm Leo Gemini Gemini. So Leo sun, gemini, moon rising, which is a lot of conduiting, like processing. So I love my fellow Gemini's, like we just know how to chit chat, we just know how to like get the gab and try and solve problems and like relay that information out to the world, like that was my inner child, and so the fact that I also get to do that for a living as an adult makes so much sense.
Speaker 2:And I find and I don't know if you're this way to with as a Gemini like when I can understand the science or like the visually, like what's going on in the body, what's happening in the mind, when I can compress that information down into like a explain, like I'm five, that makes me go like, oh, that's it, my brain's just trying to protect me right now. Oh, lol, I can fix that.
Speaker 1:Well, it's the same thing. Like I stopped drinking for the same reason, I'm like I need to learn everything that I like, everything I can about what alcohol does to the body, and as soon as I did, I'm like that's a wrap. I've heard all I've needed. It's a scam.
Speaker 2:It's a scam and I've been trying to pitch a show for years about why we drink like just examining drinking culture in America, especially for, like, women and college, and I've been trying to and I think so many networks are afraid. Yeah, like no one wants to drink alone anymore. They're like wait, no, but then who am I going to drink with if we all stop drinking? Yeah, and so it's been tough, but just, I'm sure you saw the same thing where you're like bitch, I got scammed into drinking and thinking this is fun.
Speaker 1:It's so interesting, like I'll go to work events and I'll have you know, like just a regular, like Diet Coke or Pepsi now and I walk around I'm like did I, did I do that? Like? Not that I'm judging, but like did I like act like that after?
Speaker 2:a couple Bro. Nothing will keep me more sober than watching a friend be an absolute menace when they're drunk. I'm just like. I don't miss it, I say it every day, I don't miss it.
Speaker 1:I don't need it. I'm good with my Shirley Temple, like I'm good with that.
Speaker 2:Honestly the the hydration that has come post alcoholism. It's unreal Skin is glowing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think I realized. I don't really know if it was like alcoholism that I had, but I definitely knew that it was hard for me to stop 100.
Speaker 2:I say the same thing. I didn't do the program, I didn't go to AA. Did you ever read Holly Whitaker's book Quit Like a woman?
Speaker 2:No, I'll have to read it, you must you would vibe with it so hard, because her whole thing is like the program is problematic in itself, you know, it has its its patriarchal, religious, you know things, but it helps a lot of people and you can't just credit that. However, for her and I agree, for me personally, like I didn't vibe with the idea that I was one drink away from ruining my life and in fact I was the most successful I ever was when I was drinking. I was made the most money, I, you know, had the most views, whatever, like I felt like I was really good at drinking, in fact, and that was what scared me into sobriety was, oh shit, nothing, no rock bottom is going to get me to stop and I, like you kind of, would go to these events and be like why is the first thing I would do in this moment is go grab, let's go grab a drink. Well, let's go get a drink, and then we'll figure it out. And it let's go grab a drink Well, let's go get a drink, and then we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2:And that was let's go grab a drink. Was anything anywhere the fucking airport, the fucking gas station Like let's just get a drink and then we'll, like, figure it out. And I thought it brought out this side of me that I couldn't have without alcohol, which was not true. And discovering like that version of myself was super fun too. But yeah, just that's like the biggest scam, that we've like.
Speaker 1:What was that transition like for you? Like, post, this girl that you felt like was known for a brand of drinking and stepping out not drinking Like. What was that like for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was, I'm not gonna lie. The first few months I didn't tell a lot of people because a I had done this thing and maybe you had to before, where I could go without drinking all the time If I wanted to.
Speaker 2:I'd do 30, 60 day cleanse like, oh, this was cute, and then I'd go back so it wasn't like I knew I could stop. It was was I going to sustain? Was I going to be able to go through something crazy and not reach for the bottle? It became like, oh, this is a forever thing. And so I didn't tell a lot of people because I was scared that I couldn't do it. I also wasn't doing the program, which was really like shunned upon from my friends that did where they were like you really should be doing 30 meetings in 30 days.
Speaker 2:I don't want to. I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to go, I don't want to. That makes me want to drink. I would rather not, and I was. You know, I didn't even like. I lost probably a lot of income in turning down brand deals and turning down being in videos with people.
Speaker 2:Like I was making excuses oh, I'm going out of town rather than be able to do this thing, like this birthday thing, and I, I'm not going to lie it was very easy not to drink. It was very hard to come out as not being a drinker after being labeled and self late. Like, let's be honest, I stepped into that role very easily, like as, as the world knew me, and I still have people today who will come up to me and comment like, oh my God, you're one drinking around the world video. Like oh my God, we always watch that. It's so funny. I'm like, oh gosh, yeah, I was.
Speaker 2:I was drunk for three days. Like I did, I was hung over for a while. Like I try to tell people the truth. I'm like, yes, that was funny and it was not all that that you saw on the camera. Like there was a lot of shit behind the scenes that a lot of people didn't see of, of suffering, and so I yeah, I still sometimes have to remind myself that I sometimes get ashamed of it because I'm trying to make other people not feel uncomfortable about it. Like I know that other people like to drink and it's totally fine. I'm never going to try and change someone's mind about their drinking is what I always say, but I will always shout from the rooftops about how amazing it is to not drink anymore. Yeah, it feels freeing.
Speaker 1:And I don't like when people should all over you. Yeah, in that shame it's like we're adults.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can do what I want girl.
Speaker 1:So how does it feel to like, kind of you talk about unshielding you all to it like what was it? What did it take for you to unveil the mask and step into who you are? On that like a deeper level, when you reflect on who you were behind the scenes, drinking and going through some adversity, like how did you unveil that mask?
Speaker 2:yeah, I was in a relationship at the time. This was, you know, like my very serious adult relationship, so when I thought I was going to marry and, like you know, have kids with and things like that, all those things that I had originally been like. I don't want that. I'm a strong, independent woman. And then I met this person and I was like, wow, partnership is amazing and being witness to someone's life is amazing and community and love at the end of the day is like what the whole point of being a human is. So I was very deeply in love with this person and it was the last day I ever was drunk, like had had a lot to drink and I had just had knee surgery. I was on medication, painkillers for my knee surgery and I was blacked out already because it was pride weekend in West Hollywood I'm queer and I drank, ate those pain pills. I was in a full hip to foot knee brace and I thought it would be a good idea to drive and I made it home safely.
Speaker 2:Spoiler alert I, you know, privileged to the max got home because I was also fearless when I would do that and I think I had at this point I kind of don't remember a lot of the details, but my partner had said that I FaceTimed him while I was driving and he was like what are you doing? Like pull over, you are fucking blacked out. Like get off the road, why, I will come to where you are. And I was like, no, no, I'll be home, I'll be right home. Got home and he was supposed to be at my house. He didn't come.
Speaker 2:I guess I fell asleep on the bed and I woke up the next morning. I was like, well, that was crazy what happened last night. And he gave me a look that I'll never forget and he was like I cannot be with someone who does not value not only their own lives but like the people around them. Like you put every single person that you passed and were around in danger getting into that car and if you had died, like you didn't even care that you were like that. And he's like I can't be with someone like that.
Speaker 2:And I had never been told that because I'm like I'm not a selfish person, I'm very like I want to help people be fucking talking about, like I I'm not selfish. And to hear that that was something I had embodied and become and did and was good at, was probably the most shame I had ever felt. And had that person not been that mirror, holding that up to me and like been really honest because no one in my life was that honest with me about how problematic my drinking was I don't think I would have quit Like I probably would have killed myself or others doing something dangerous drinking, just because like that was the road I was heading down. No pun intended.
Speaker 1:Well, I have a lot of empathy for you because I know what it feels like to like not give a shit about yourself. Like it can feel very dark and degrading and dehumanizing and I feel like not a lot of people understand that and it's so easy to put a lot of shame on other people. But I think in that moment your inner child's almost like I just need a hug, like I just need someone to tell me like it's going to be okay, and in that moment I don't think the tough love really helps you know totally, and like you, you don't.
Speaker 2:You also don't think it's, I hate to say, like you don't think it's that big of a deal when it's happening. You're like I'm having fun, I'm in my 20s, like I'm, I'm living my life like I'm. This is what everyone's doing. And to take that real inventory and say, like this is not what everyone is doing, this is not normal. Like this is not this can't keep carrying on like that and like telling your inner child like we need to look, we need to take a step back and look at this from a bird's eye view and, yeah, approach it with love, for sure, but but also like that was scary, that was really scary.
Speaker 1:I've been there. I mean when I when I think about I have like this younger version of me. When I was like three years old, I used to wear leopard pants on my head Hell yeah, I have any hair. So I just remember looking in the mirror thing like hell yeah, this looks like hair no one's gonna notice. It's so cute in the mirror thinking like hell yeah, this looks like hair no one's going to notice. But back then, like when I was in such a dark place of not caring and you, you talked about betrayal, I also felt like my body was betrayed and just hated myself. And when I would think about, like now, my younger self, like the three-year-old self, with like the leopard pants, it makes me want to cry, cause like she served so much better than when I gave her A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:Like no, that's what, that's what I did to you. Like this is what I decided to do with this sweet little, angelic baby girl. Like yeah, that's, it's devastating, it really was, and it's like shit.
Speaker 1:why did I waste so many of the years, know, like just hating myself?
Speaker 2:my god, and the amount of money and memories and time lost. Like there are still times where I'll meet someone and they're like, oh my god, we've met before. You did this that night and I'm like uh-huh. I said, hmm, what did I do? Like I still hear memories about myself that I have no recollection of and I'm like that's half of my 20s that I just was browning out and thinking that that was fucking normal.
Speaker 1:There's friends that are grandfathered in, because they just know way too much.
Speaker 2:They will go to my deathbed with stories of things that happened. Yeah, truly. The rider dies, yeah.
Speaker 1:I. One of the things that really stood out for me was when you spoke at the jock summit and you talked about and you had this like photo moment. Uh, you know that was hidden with like a deeper feeling of just anxiety and panic, and you decide to tell your friends how you were feeling. How did it feel? It sounded like your friends were accepting, how did it feel to be accepted when it sounds like earlier on your life you weren't really loved and accepted in the way that you wanted to be seen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm friends. Like the people I hold dearest to me are bad ass bitches. Like they are baddies. They are fucking confident, they are powerful, they got their shit together, they dress well, they're hot, they're fucking, they're fun Like I myself with just that energy, cause that's what I love.
Speaker 2:And it was so scary to like go into those spaces and say like not only have I been kind of pretending to have this thing together about my life, you know, not only with the drinking but with the anxiety and panic attacks, but like I'm going to tell you this thing and you guys might not get it at all, and how would that make me? Look to them, and some of my friends knew exactly what I was talking about and knew exactly what I felt. And the others that have never luckily had to have, like you know, a panic attack or deal with a weird relationship with alcohol, they were so understanding and curious and empathetic. And I think that that's like just the power of women and and gays of like we don't care what it is, we just want to know how to help and like how to be there for you.
Speaker 2:And I always think about like that quote, like look for the helpers, and like I was so lucky to have so many helpers around that. I it's just like. I just think it's like grown woman shit. Like that's how grown women are supposed to act like around each other. They're supposed to support, uplift, not judge, empower. Yes, like that to me was just like oh, I'm so glad I picked grown fucking women to surround myself with. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think like who you're surrounding yourself with says everything about who you are too.
Speaker 2:Right, I'm trying to fake it. I'm like, yes, me too. Look at us for this big group.
Speaker 1:Do you ever like? Cause I know with my like, when I share my story I have so many people that come up to me and they go. I was raped too, and it feels really overwhelming, as awful as that sounds. Not at all I don't feel like I'm in that consciousness anymore and I feel in my chest going oh, like, literally like in my chest. Do you ever feel that way when people come up to you and they go oh, I relate to you and here's my life story.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, I mean, like I, my DMs are flooded with people's darkest moments of their lives, like telling me their deepest, darkest, suicidal, like traumatic moments, and I think the farther I've gotten away from it.
Speaker 2:And I think the farther I've gotten away from it, the easier it is for me to actually distance my personal journey from it and kind of say, like I want to be a beacon of hope and, like you know, you have the before and after photos Like I want to be an after photo as much as I can for people.
Speaker 2:And so when I get like trauma dumped, either whether it's like unintentionally or, you know, just someone's trying to be out of the goodness of their heart, I try to remember that like I am the after photo right now and what's the best way I can present to them to show them that there is light? Because, again, like you probably remember that place, you're like I will never be over there, I will never be able to understand the after foot, like I can't ever get to that spot and to know that there is an after. This is a terrible metaphor, by the way, because I'm just thinking of like weight loss and that is not my agenda, but like you know what it's like to be on the other side, and I want to be the other side as much as I can side, and I want to be the other side as much as I can like a picture of the other side for people.
Speaker 1:Well, it's interesting because I, when I was super depressed, like it was hard for me to even like lift myself out of bed, and so I, I, you know, I sort of think of depression from that point of view that I was in. Oh yeah, and there are times when I will feel depressed and my coach will go do you think you want to say the word today Like you want to say it? I'm like no damn it, I don't want to say it Like I'm, like I am not that girl anymore. Like screw that the spiral. I remember I was like anxiously cleaning. I was like that's my thing, I like to clean. You know, like I'm talking on the floor, clean. You know like I'm talking on the floor, like I'm. And I thought to myself you know what I think I'm ready to say it. I'm depressed and I'm like Nicole.
Speaker 2:Hey, girl, it really. I completely get that. That's probably what I suffer with still to this day. The most that I struggle with is the sphere of the slide, like the anxiety about the anxiety attack, like the panic attack, about the panic attack, the depressive, because you remember that pit, you remember that dark place. You never get that shit out of your head, bro, like you know. You remember exactly what that felt like and so one little, one little tiny drop of it, I'm like, oh no, I'm dark in bed, like everything's falling apart. It's so black and white and like learning how to live in that gray area is something I'm still working on.
Speaker 1:It's really tough, but I think that's why it's so bad-ass when you hop on stage and you go. I don't have all the answers, and this is just my story because it's so intimidating, at least for me, even though I do tell my story a lot, I'm like I don't have all the answers.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, and it's different for everyone. It's different.
Speaker 1:And there's this transition that I've been on and I still struggle Like I don't have it all together. No, I struggle with panic attacks where I'm like, oh, I'm going to die on the train, you know, like, but I the thing. I guess that's different now is I know it's not going to last forever.
Speaker 2:Yes, that is so huge.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's the biggest thing, like I have some sage.
Speaker 2:Hell yeah, I got mine behind me. I've got like one thing like I've got my fidget cube over here. I've got my essential oils, I've got my crystals Like they're in every spot of my house. There is wherever I'm spending a lot of time. There are tools and I think that's you know. One of the perks of fucking TikTok shop and Amazon is that you can make a literal toolkit for every situation to bring and make yourself a little bit more comfortable.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I and I remember like it's so weird, like reflecting on my life, but I remember like not knowing where to go and then to be in a place now where, like, I am putting out into the universe and app it's like 360 for everyone, like therapy, coaching, fitness and meditation, like which is what I didn't have before one place. I feel like I'm hugging that little three-year-old that had, you know, the embarrassing leopard pants I love that I had.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm like hugging her. I'm like kind of um giving a group hug to the next generation that really like needs it. But can you show me your? Can we like show each other our anxiety kits? Oh my God, please show me, show me, show me, okay. So like this one. This one is not the best, but when I have a panic attack, I go and I get a coffee. You go for the caffeine, yes, which is like not the thing that controversial, it's not the norm, but we love it. It gives me life. Whatever makes you feel like bitch. If that feels good, then we do it. I feel like bitch. If that feels good, then we do it. I feel like I could just like live my life with my french vanilla coffee.
Speaker 2:I love you shaking that dunkin. It's just different. It's just different than starbucks.
Speaker 1:It just is, yeah, east coast dunkin and then I have this cute little picture of myself with my dog and I look at her. I'm like no, she's so precious, yeah. And then like there is this, like there's this brand. It's on an app, but there's this brand called Frenchie, oh you mean Wait, where's mine?
Speaker 2:We have mine like Wait where is it Wait?
Speaker 1:literally right here. Oh my God, I'm like you're killing me. I use this.
Speaker 2:Have you ever tried the Palo Santo spray?
Speaker 1:I need to know, girl, it will change your life.
Speaker 2:The Palo Santo spray. I think I'm out of it because I use it so much. Yes, and I'm a scent girly.
Speaker 1:Are you a scent girly? Yeah, I need to bathe in the like, the mood science technology. If it's real, I don't know when to go. I'm like, I'm such a visual and like scent stimulated girly that that that's so funny that you're French.
Speaker 2:Do you spray it everywhere and like on your pillow? Oh my God, and this is the lavender one, and it's actually Tisdale's company, right? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Crazy Good for her. I didn't know for the longest time that it was hers. I love that.
Speaker 2:She's not like plastered all over it, cause she's just like iconic.
Speaker 1:She like doesn't need, to like speaks for itself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's like let the product do its thing. Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 1:I'm instantly happier now god, yeah, like I will like just lay in my bath and like throw on the hair mask.
Speaker 2:I use a hair mask and it just, even if it's like a get it like hell yeah, and then if it's not sponsored but they should absolutely sponsor us at this point yeah, exactly because it's so.
Speaker 1:And then if it's like late at night, that melatonin she hits and my thing is like I use it I use it a little bit too often Like anxiety, like you, they fell on the plane. Like I felt that way when I hopped on a flight recently to Australia and like holy shit, I'm going to be on this flight for 16 hours.
Speaker 2:I took three of these. Ooh, see ya Night night for 10 hours. Yes, that'll do That'll do. It did its job. If it works, it works Like it was great. And that's a long flight. You do need to sleep for that.
Speaker 1:And then, like roads, like glazing, I like to spray and it doesn't really. I don't know what it does, but it just makes me feel reset. And then, because I am a clean girly, I like to spray my Dawn lavender vibe. That feels good in my face, and then I it's all grounding. Yeah, it feels amazing. And then I have this like letter I wrote to myself oh, that's so sweet.
Speaker 2:I love that. That's so cute and, like all of that stuff is very grounding. Like you, you have a lot of physical stuff in your care. That's great. Bring you back into your body.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I have, like my therapist on speed dial, my coach.
Speaker 2:Who doesn't? Am I right Shit? Oh my God, do you do both? Do you see a therapist and a psychiatrist? Because I'm just too busy, honestly, to do coaching. But I should probably top a year and get back into it.
Speaker 1:What I love about coaching like they're not bound by HIPAA, so they can just like stick with it.
Speaker 2:They can just say shit If it's a problem, get your shit together. I love that honesty, that radical honesty, big fan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. Do you want to show yours?
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, I have. Like I said, I can definitely pull. This is just to the side of my um desk. So this is like my desk one, so a big one for me is like I mentioned the sensory stuff.
Speaker 2:So I have my Theragun, which just the physical sensation of like a getting out any tension, but also it's so grounding, Like I'll do the bottoms of my feet and you're just like, oh yeah, walk, like come back into the earth. I'm grounded, I'm here, Um, I have four or five different essential oils. Essential oils, I really love this brand canopy. They have um, white sands, freshwater, rose, Like. They have very like aesthetic and the bottles are very like Ooh, she, she, um. I have, let's see, three different kinds of fidget cubes. So I've got small, medium, large and this is just focus.
Speaker 2:Yes, this is like um energy. I have a lot when my panic attacks, I get like a rush, I get like a surge of adrenaline, and if I can't like leave, I start to panic. So I have a really hard time with giving up control. Which is why flights were so hard for me is because I felt very claustrophobic and out of control. And so if I can control something like okay, I can control this spinning stupid fidget spinner, like I can do, that that's something I can physically do. So I try to give myself like little competitions, little tasks, little you know uh, goals to achieve. And then I'm a big. I can't.
Speaker 2:I can't tell you that I know what a lot of the crystals are, but even just today I, you know, will always pass by my crystal wall and I'll stick one in my pocket or like in my bra. And this was like I don't even really know what this one is, but it felt right for the mood today. And so if I ever just need like a little bit of grounding, I'll just remember, I'll put my intention in the stone during the daytime and, just like, anytime I see it or need a reminder, it's just that physical anchor thought of like oh yeah, this is my intention for today and I'm like oh yeah, okay, even just taking that little break, cool, cool, cool, good reminder.
Speaker 1:Absolutely I love nature. I mean, I'm in New York city so there's not like I love to feel like I can touch a tree, I feel like I can go on like a walking meditation to reset. I have those moments to like mid afternoon where I'm like I have to go on a walk, Like I'm about to like yes, I have a lot of my skin.
Speaker 1:And I need it like helps me reset. I don't even look at my phone. I'm like a total rebel and I'll go on a hell yeah and come back and just feel more grounded. So I definitely connect with that for sure.
Speaker 2:I have to tell you about an app I just downloaded because it's my friend, hank Greens. It is called, he posted about it on threads and it like jumped up, it's called Focus Friend. So it's a tiny little. I don't know if you can see this, it's a tiny little bean.
Speaker 2:And what my issue was that I realized with walking, meditation or just like breath work or anything, or just like trying to relax, I would always grab my fucking phone Like I'll put on an audio book or I'll put on like a head space app, and I have. I had such a hard time being silent by myself Like I, I would, my skin would feel itchy if I didn't have something in the background and I was like this, that's not meditation, that's not. The whole point is to not be doing that. And so he, I, he made this app where your little I think it's a bean your little focus friend, you, you basically put on the focus and by not picking up your phone, it allows your bean to knit sweaters and mittens and then he can trade it and sell his mittens and sweaters to buy furniture for his room, and so you can set like little timers, like 15 minutes, and then he'll see like right now he's eating a bag of potato chips and he's like it's like a Tamagotchi, a hundred percent, but like for ADHD and anxious people.
Speaker 1:I love it. Yeah, yeah, I need that sometimes to like reset right. Or like go on the Peloton or do something like it helps me, yeah, and so like I just feel like I could talk to you like forever.
Speaker 2:Oh, the fact that I just looked up and it's been 50 minutes, I'm like what?
Speaker 1:Write that at all. Is there a question you wish people would always ask you? That don't.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, what. I don't think I've ever thought of that before. What a fun thing to think about. Um, wow, I've honestly never thought about that before. I don't know, I guess. About that before I don't know, I guess you know what. Here's what I people don't really know me for being a big reader. Like I am a writer. I just finished writing my second book. Like I love books. That's been like my thing since I was a kid. Like talk about being like a lonely, weird little kid. I would go disappear in the library and like smell books. It was a thing. But I love to read and I would love for people to talk to me more about what they're reading and like ask me what I just read. That was like good and I like disappearing into those worlds. And again, gemma, the Gemini in me loves to conduit information.
Speaker 1:Did you read the Lethem Theory? I know everyone, everyone. Their mother is talking about that right now.
Speaker 2:I heard the podcasts like I listened to all of her podcasts for about it. So I felt like I read it and then I also listened to that episode where she like came up with the idea with like her son and like prom photos or whatever, so I feel like I get it yeah, like I get it.
Speaker 1:Let them, let me, let's let them, and it's helpful.
Speaker 2:I ain't gonna lie, it's so helpful I definitely let them for a couple of like friendships recently, so it's definitely does its job.
Speaker 1:I think people forget the second part, which is like let me, let them, let me let me work on myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, don't care about what I, it's the four agreements, right, like never take anything personally. That's when I go back to every day, have to, and yeah entertainment industry.
Speaker 1:It's like okay, whatever next next thank you.
Speaker 2:Next Ariana, our lord and savior.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh so thank you so much for joining me is there anything?
Speaker 2:like coming up that you, oh my gosh. Yes, my next book is coming out later this year. Um, I don't know the exact date, but I should have it soon. I'm like we're doing the title cover and stuff that images right now, but it's all about breakups and heartbreak and how that.
Speaker 1:Obviously I don't know her, I don't know heartbreak.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the anxious girly inside. So definitely be on the lookout for that later this year. And you, you must come on my podcast confidently and secure, please.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would love that this was so much fun.
Speaker 2:This was the easiest thing. This was like a joy, a break in my day.
Speaker 1:Me too. You're wonderful, and I knew it was going to be, because I just had a feeling you're going to be exactly how you are. We can't hide, we can't act. What are you talking about us? We just are who we are. You're so incredible.
Speaker 2:You're awesome. Thank you so much for having me and your joy. Thanks for doing the work you do.
Speaker 1:Come on to your podcast. This will be so fun.
Speaker 2:We get to chat again for another hour. Yes, okay, that's perfect. We're setting a date to gab again.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Fortify Wellness Pod, where we empower mind, body and soul to reach new heights. Your wellbeing is your greatest dream. Nurture it, honor it and watch yourself thrive. If today's episode inspired you, subscribe, share your thoughts in the comments and come back next week for more insights to elevate your journey. Stay empowered, stay true and remember you're not alone. This is a Fortify Wellness production. All rights reserved 2025.