From Wounds to Wisdom (Previously the Mental-Hell Podcast)
Welcome to From Wounds to Wisdom—the podcast where we turn life’s toughest lessons into our greatest strengths. Here, we dive deep into mental health, personal growth, and the messy, beautiful journey of healing. Whether you’re seeking a fresh perspective, a little humor, or just a safe space to feel seen, you’re in the right place. Let’s navigate the hard stuff together and uncover the wisdom waiting on the other side. Ready to get started? Let’s dive in.
From Wounds to Wisdom (Previously the Mental-Hell Podcast)
Porn, Shame, & Betrayal: A Candid Talk on Addiction with Craig Perra
Are you ashamed of your porn use? Or are you in a relationship where you feel constantly betrayed by your partner and their porn addiction? If so, you have to listen to this powerful conversation between host, Barbie Moreno, and guest, Craig Perra, about how porn and sex addictions affects the lives of so many people.
Craig Perra, J.D., C.P.C.
Mindful Habit Coaching, LLC
Craig Perra is a world-renowned expert in overcoming compulsive sexual behaviors, sex addiction, and porn addiction. As the founder of The Mindful Habit System, Craig has helped thousands—including Olympians, professional athletes, C-suite executives, religious leaders, and high-achievers from all walks of life—take control of their habits and transform their lives.
Alongside his wife, Michelle, Craig runs the highest-rated sex and porn addiction recovery program in the world. His groundbreaking approach, blending science-backed habit change with deep personal transformation, has set a new standard in addiction recovery.
Craig’s expertise has been featured on The Steve Harvey Show, The Katie Couric Show, A&E, Lifetime Television, and the BBC. Before becoming a sought-after coach and speaker, he was a high-powered attorney and executive advising billion-dollar companies—until his own battle with addiction forced him to confront his demons and build a system that has now helped millions break free.
Now, he’s here to share his wisdom, challenge outdated recovery models, and help you lead all parts of yourself—especially the ones you hate.
Links
Free Training for Men: The Four Transformational Shifts You MUST Make to Break Free From Sex & Porn Addiction: https://mindfulhabithelp.com/free-video-training-craig-perra/
Free Ebook for Spouses of Sex/Porn Addicts: The Spouse Survival Guide
Sex Afflictions & Porn Addictions Podcast
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0ILT9xCM1SxEbJpWUmlF00?si=eD1QL8dgQJmnE4C5yg1R0w
iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/sex-afflictions-porn-addictions/id556373664?mt=2
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/themindfulhabit
Season 2
Unraveling the Mind: From Mental Struggles to Inner Strength.
Welcome to the From Wounds to Wisdom podcast with your host, barbie Moreno, where we dive into people's past and discover what wounds they incurred and how they transformed those wounds into wisdom to help themselves and others. Today we have a very special guest, craig Parra, who is going to talk to us about porn and sex addictions and how they affect the lives of the addict and their loved ones. So welcome from Wounds to Wisdom. This is your host, barbie Moreno, and I am so excited today to have Craig Parra with me. He is the host of Sex Addictions and Porn Afflictions podcast, and today we're going to talk about the people that would maybe be guests on his show and where all of this comes from. Thank you for coming.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, Barbie. Look forward to diving in and having a great conversation today.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. Let's start with the first question Tell me why this podcast?
Speaker 2:Why sex afflictions and porn addictions? Yes, well, I founded the Mindful Habit System 13 years ago and I work with men struggling with sex addiction and porn addiction, drug addiction, alcoholism you know all of various forms of compulsive behaviors. And this journey really started with my personal colossal failures, like major, major failures, and if it wasn't for the strength of my wife, I would not be talking to you right now. I have gaslit her, lied to her, cheated, had multiple mental health breakdowns in my life and just over 14 years ago I had my worst mental health breakdown, where I was hospitalized after trying to hurt myself and when I left that inpatient facility I was given a prescription not for medication but for what I was supposed to do again, and it was more therapy and more meetings. And those are wonderful things and I stand on the great shoulders of the people who supported me throughout my lifetime mental health journey. But here I was at my lowest point, despite considerable effort, investment in time and money, and coming out of impatient I had this crazy idea that I could build a better mousetrap in how to help people get from compulsivity to great living. I like to say the cure is the aggressive pursuit of a great life Total cliche, but when you look at all the things you need to do to be successful and to stay successful, to me that's the aggressive pursuit of a great life. And so I started this journey from this low point, seeking nontraditional healers. I became obsessed with habits and I saw that my executive background had a lot of relevance when I read things like you don't rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems. And over time, this modality came to take shape in what I was doing and where I was finally getting results. And it was very early on, and this is now over 13 years ago.
Speaker 2:As taboo as sex and porn addiction is today, it was even we were the first couple to go on national TV to talk about it. My wife and I were on the Katie Couric show Terrifying and the advice that she got throughout the years she found to be not constructive. And I saw the gaps and I saw the holes, and so her and I launched this podcast many, many years ago. It started anonymously and my fake name was Ed and we started talking about this problem and that grew and that grew and that rose to a place where, like oh, my God.
Speaker 2:You know, people are getting a lot of value. I could do this for a living, which was a preposterous idea, and so the podcast has evolved since then. The business has grown. Since then Michelle's taken over, you know, running the operation and I'm doing a lot more out front. But yeah, it started, the two of us putting our lives back together after getting fired for the second time and thinking the world would be better off without me and trying to hurt myself, and so we just were really passionate about getting our message out there, our journey out there, and then using that journey to help people. So that's really why the podcast is there is to help people.
Speaker 1:You have to be very vulnerable and you also have to be very in your power to do what you're doing.
Speaker 2:That is absolutely true. Vulnerability is probably the modality, the skillset, but none of that gets embraced without that connection, and so clients are able to look at me and say, well, one, he did it, so can I. But also I don't have to carry that shame anymore. I can be honest, maybe for the first time in my life. So that vulnerability is critical, not just to live a great life but for client success. So it's a win-win.
Speaker 1:Right, you have to be able to empathize with what they're going through, right? So if you're preaching from a mountaintop, they're going to see you as somebody who doesn't understand, and then it does no good.
Speaker 2:That's absolutely right and you know there are a few like I often bring a business mindset to some of my problems, because businesses have gotten really good at solving problems. Something that they haven't that to do, that they haven't personally done or haven't personally, you know, led the execution of that, of that, whatever that project is, you wouldn't do it now. That doesn't mean a therapist or a coach for that matter, who hasn't been through it can't be incredibly valuable.
Speaker 1:But if the coach happens to be great at what he does and is vulnerable, you know that's a win-win well, and that's me right, like that's why I have this show, from wounds to wisdom, because you go through all of these various different things and can you shift? How did you shift? And then, what tools can you pass on to other people? And the beautiful thing is that there are so many of us and we all have various different tools, and so somebody can find whatever they need through a podcast like yours, a podcast like mine, coaching like yours, coaching like mine. I would love to know do you have numbers on how many people I would imagine majority of it are men, but I don't want to be biased have a sex addiction or a porn addiction?
Speaker 2:Well, there was a recent statistic that came out and you have to be careful with all of these self-reported type studies. I know that in one major study, 53% of religious leaders were struggling with porn, 67% of youth leaders were struggling with. You know, it's not just porn, it's the lying about it, the shame, the self-esteem, and when you think about Barbie, the sexually saturated society that we live in, a man can't spend more than 10 minutes on TikTok without getting the most effective titillating, desirable thirst traps that touch, you know, deep into that evolutionary drive, that wiring for visual stimulation. Back in the old days you used to have to drive to the bookstore right in the shade have a black bag, right, you walk out with a black bag of shame walk out with a black bag and hope no one saw you.
Speaker 2:Now it's next to you and men and women, you know, but the statistics are, men struggle with this more than women, but the numbers of women are skyrocketing as well and you know they're wired visually in my field. It's every man's battle and it is certainly every man's battle to be a sexually healthy man of integrity. In this day and age, when you can get a fake ai girlfriend and have some of the most in-depth, deep conversations and that's getting ready to go to video. It's going to look like just like I'm talking to you now. Right, people are losing themselves what are the technology?
Speaker 2:sorry no, no, I just they're losing themselves in the technology. Um, in in, in, you know, unhealthy sexual gratification, uh, and it's normalized, it's, you know.
Speaker 1:So it's a, it's a really, really impacting marriages in a significant way well and also it's, um, actually actually celebrated right through the ways that we see celebrities. But what are they? When people have this addiction, what are they looking for? Because any addiction, you're looking for something right, Like there was a while I drank way too much alcohol for my own good and I was looking to numb all of the stress of the day and just numb. So what are you? What are people looking for? And I'm sure it's different for everybody, but in general, is there something that they're looking for?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is general, and I can speak to the men who cheat prostitutes, strip clubs. While the sex is a factor, what they're looking for is significance.
Speaker 1:Yeah, be validated.
Speaker 2:Attention to be desired, to be validated. The reward, the conflict-free. You know, nature of it, you know, and because of their ability to compartmentalize, they can put you know wife and family. They'll even justify how this behavior may even be helping. As crazy as that sounds, the justification runs deep For the porn guys, the guys who become addicted to pornography. They are numbing, coping and escaping from stress, anxiety, fear, depression and low self-esteem.
Speaker 1:And those things can be done through other things like video gaming right yes um drinking drugs, obviously um pure avoidance. Yeah that's right and and more and more becoming more and more common, so is this addiction becoming more and more common oh, it's exploding.
Speaker 2:it's exploding and we're know, maybe a few years ago, because I advertise on Google, so we know. You know what words people are searching for Technology addiction, video game addiction, you know even gambling. Look at the proliferation of gambling now without realizing how much fun you could be having betting your hard-earned money on a game where it is undoubtedly you are going to lose in the long run. That's how it works. So, it is exploding.
Speaker 1:How did she not leave you?
Speaker 2:Well, first, in this work to my advantage, she could have left me, but she believed she couldn't because I was such in an acute mental health distress to the point where my psychiatrist said either you walk in there right now from this, from this meeting, from this session that we're having right now, either you go there voluntarily or I'm going to have you picked up. I'm going to 5150 you. So I went and I was the provider. She was a stay at home mom. She hadn't worked in over a decade, 15, 17 years, maybe longer, I forget the math and her initial mission was to get me back on my feet, get me back in a job. Get me back on my feet, get me back in a job so she wouldn't be screwed. It was self-preservation in the beginning, and what I said to myself was that every moment that I am in her presence, I'm going to do everything in my power to show her that I can change, that I can learn, that I can grow, and that's know. That's what I did. We just celebrated 26 years.
Speaker 1:Congratulations, I would imagine. So one of the rules I live by is it's not personal, right? So your story, your affliction, your, your, your pain, it was. If she looks at it from it's not personal. It has nothing to do with her. It's not her failure, right? It's not her. She couldn't have done something different. It all has to do with 100%, with what you're going through. It doesn't belong to her. Where did it start?
Speaker 2:That started very, very early. There was almost. I perceived it as a detachment she, she doesn't she but it felt like a detachment in the moment and, because I'm a little narcissist and a little borderline, that was like, oh shit, this dynamic that we used to have isn't there anymore. I better up my game. But what she did was, very early on, there was something that clicked in her where she realized that this isn't about me. I am married to a mentally ill husband. Right, my husband has serious mental health issues. Look at what's happening, right. And that, Barbie, that message is the message. That lesson is the lesson that every partner has to get to if they want to be healthy long term. And it is a difficult message to deliver. It can be received as invalidating, as blaming, and so we've had to come up over the years with a you know a path to bring people to that realization on your journey.
Speaker 1:Where did it start, like? Where did the addiction start for you was and and this might be too personal, but oftentimes I find that people who have sex addictions, porn addictions, um, or you know, if it's a female who's drawn to somebody who has these addictions, is generally because there's childhood trauma.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So my ACE score, my adverse childhood trauma score. There's 10 categories. I'm a, you know, six and a half to a seven and things start to get ugly from an outcome perspective at two or three, four. Yeah, to get ugly from an outcome perspective at two or three, four. And so, on one hand lived a blessed, privileged childhood. I always had food, shelter, clothing, parents who prioritize education, extracurricular activities, parents who did the best that they possibly could under the circumstances. But I was touched by an older neighborhood boy, cloaked that with religious shame and the other trauma within the family dynamic, which is the only thing I don't talk about publicly because my parents are still alive, and I've chosen to focus on the positive and honor my family's legacy. My father is a coach. He's in the New England Coaches Hall of Fame, the Rhode Island Coaches Hall of Fame. I can either honor that legacy or blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, blame, and there's a fair amount of that to go around. But there was a lot of trauma.
Speaker 1:Blame, blame, right, and there's a fair amount of that to go around, but there was a lot of trauma, and so this is something that obviously leads into some sort of addiction, like most addictions have Right, and then do you have children.
Speaker 2:I do. I have two, a 21-year-old and a 19-year-old, and two A rule maker and a rule breaker.
Speaker 1:Always one and the other. I have both myself um. Did this affect them? Did they know?
Speaker 2:um, they were very, very young. My daughter was five and my son was, uh, nine, and so I'm gonna answer that question, as tempted as I am to say it didn't affect them, knowing what I know about childhood development, right, even though they weren't aware. I had anger issues. Right, you were depressed, I was unkind to their mother, I blamed her for our problems, I worked like a fiend, right, everything was work, work and escape, work and escape, work and escape. So I'm certain the answer is yes, and more so for my daughter than my son. And so what we have, you know, continued to do is to have open and honest, vulnerable conversations about mental health, no different than you talk about a sprained elbow.
Speaker 1:Right, yes, and that's amazing because it's still not spoken about like a sprained ankle, right? It's still taboo in a lot of people's houses. It's still considered weak in a lot of people's houses, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, frowned upon you know. Stop you know. For guys, stop being a you know what you know. Suck it up, you know, deal with it. Stop blaming a you know what you know. Uh, um, suck it up, you know, deal with it. Stop blaming, you know, and and. While there is a big blaming component in a lot of therapy today, obviously the goal is to get beyond that and so your modality, how you help people get beyond that.
Speaker 1:Because we go from wounds to wisdom. So we go from the place where we blame, from the place where we're the victim, to the place where we now have our own power. We sit in our seat of power and we also help empower others. So tell us about your modality and how you do that.
Speaker 2:Sure, sure. And my modality came from the realization that if I looked at the work that I had done in treatment, 90% of it to 95% was problem centric. And I drove the agenda and I had, by contrast, because of my executive roles at big billion dollar companies who had you know these bottomless training budgets, executive roles at big billion dollar companies who had you know these bottomless training budgets I would contrast that with a leadership development program and would had you know metrics, deliverables, milestones, developmental milestones, et cetera, et cetera. And I wanted to bring that perspective, that leadership, high performance perspective, into my environment. So one of the first things that I have clients do is articulate not just their direction and purpose.
Speaker 2:The coaching space is littered with, for good reason, you know, direction and purpose type exercises Because of my systems background. How are you going to keep that alive? Right, how do you make sure that this doesn't die? And even though it's boring, even though it isn't sexy, even though you know everybody wants the deep stuff, if you don't have that plan you're never going to live. So, direction and purpose, we start with direction and purpose. Then there's this risk management exercise which says hey, when are you most vulnerable? What are you going to do about it management?
Speaker 2:exercise which says, hey, when are you most vulnerable? What are you going to do about it? But where things get interesting for clients is when, instead of identifying all of the bad parts of their addiction because every addiction program you go into one of the first exercises. What is the cost of that addiction? How bad does this get if you keep going? And that's leading from a place of fear, albeit it's an important perspective. But my clients already know that I have them identify the good parts of their behavior, meaning what needs is this behavior meeting? Because I want them focused very, very early on. Like we talked earlier, this behavior is meeting very important needs and if you don't understand what those needs are, you're never going to get those needs met proactively.
Speaker 1:So I'll pause there and there's three more important components that I'm happy to share with you, but just to see if you have any questions about that, yeah, I mean so, not necessarily the modality, but how do you bring back the intimacy in your relationship after what would feel like to most people a betrayal like that?
Speaker 2:Oh, a profound betrayal. And it's why our program we include the support for the spouse, Barbie, because if you've got someone devastated, broken and betrayed, and I don't care how much emotional intelligence the guy accumulates, I don't care how much emotional intelligence the guy accumulates, right that that those wounds need to be treated. So, so, so we, we, we try, we, we, we treat both the. I like to say you can't give what you don't have, Right? And most of my clients, some of them being some of the most successful people on the planet, professional athletes, people in the public eye, people who have lives that we could only dream of, deep down inside they hate themselves. So that intimacy, if you will, has to start from within before you can give that to someone else.
Speaker 2:And in my clients, both the men and the women, those walls are so deep. Those walls are the reason for the distance that exists in the relationship in the first place. So, understanding the protective why do we put up walls to protect, Understanding the protective nature of those walls, the origin story, the family of origin, the childhood stuff, and then coming up with a way to meet each other at that conflict point, when each person is dysregulated, and we call it, the emotional safety exercise, one of the most important exercises in the program. Where do you feel safe? How does it make you feel? Where don't you feel safe? How does it make you feel and what do you want your partner to help you in that moment of dysregulation? How are you going to work together? Because you're never going to get rid of conflict in a relationship. Now, when that conflict is saturated or infected by those deep wounds. You know, safety is the most important word, probably in my vocabulary. I used to think it was love, but you can't have that unless you feel safe.
Speaker 1:Agreed and you say that you ask the question. How does this make you feel? What I have learned is that there are many people who don't know how they feel.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so then you have to teach them how to recognize what their feelings are. So it's a very deep process.
Speaker 2:A deep process in you know it's an identity journey. You know who you are, who do you want to be, what belief systems are necessary to to support that identity, what actions are necessary to reinforce that identity? Like your bicep stops getting strong if you start doing curls Right. And I realized that, barbie, because there's so much out there about identity. It's important, it's the deepest level of change, and all of that's true. But one of the questions I asked myself that I didn't see answered out there is what do you do about it? And so this notion of reflecting it within your field of vision, sharing it with your allies, accountability, partners, and doing things, believing things, and having some record of that somewhere that you can anchor back to when you're in those low points, again, it's not sexy, it's practical, but identity fades.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. It's practical, but. But identity fades absolutely, and it I mean your identity, if you do the work, should fade right, because we're not. We're not what we do for a living, we're not who admires us, we're not any of those things. That's just how we, that's how we identify ourselves, because we're lacking inside that's right and that that it that I.
Speaker 2:I put that in the advanced category, at least the way I structure my program acceptance, because in the beginning, especially when people in crisis, I don't want to do this, so I have to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then we get to my favorite piece of advice, which is related to what you're talking about. What you're talking about, lower the bars, one that that's up there, you know, kaizen goals, but the other one is do nothing.
Speaker 1:You don't have to do anything because you're dysregulated right now.
Speaker 2:Right and people want to because they want to fix it.
Speaker 1:They want to fix it and it's uncomfortable to sit in the uncomfortable Dare, I quote Disney it's learning how to let go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like you can do. That's a skill, that's something you can develop. You can sit in that discomfort. And the irony is because that which you resist persist. The irony is your capacity to sit in that discomfort makes that discomfort go quicker.
Speaker 1:Yes, it dissipates quicker, absolutely Because you're not now focused on it, because you're not trying to fix it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Love that. Let's talk to the women who just basically say they're married to a man or they're in a relationship with a man and he is watching porn and he is going to, occasionally with his friends, the strip clubs, and this really bothers the woman. She feels like it is a betrayal to her. Most women are going to say you can't do that, they're just going to order them. You can't do that. But we all know that you can say that to somebody, but nobody knows what you're really doing in your own time, in your own space and most likely, if you say you can't watch porn, they're not going to listen to you. They're just going to hide it more, right? So so what's the solution to that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is standing why you believe it's bad. You know we're living in an interesting time because and it's one of the big cognitive distortions in our time and I'm speaking for my clients only, so you know I know there's exceptions to every rule, but every one of them there is a man who, in some capacity, has been engaging in some behavior and lying about it since he was a child and has continued in secret. I'm not discounting the harm, we're not talking about that now. We're just this, this reality.
Speaker 2:Then we can speak to porn specifically, and then on, and a culture of do it, go get her, you know, get the girl, you know, go have sex right and then on the other side you've got but my clients, um, shamed sexually sometimes, uh, touched inappropriately, um, not wired visually, not raised in a culture of pornography, can't even fathom, can't even fathom why someone would do this, which which is part of that, that betrayal right, they can't even fathom. So if you get two people experiencing very different lives and and the partner says porn is cheating, we'll talk, just speak. Speak to that for a second. The guy says it's not, because they're defining cheating differently.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And what happens is when the guy shuts up and starts listening and hopefully his partner can get to a place. Here's why I think it's cheating, I think it's unhealthy for the marriage. I think that when you're directing your sexual energy to someone else, that weakens the bond, and when you lie about it, that makes me feel betrayed and it hurts me tremendously. It makes me feel unattractive. Right, I can never compete with that. It destroys me. And so there's a space where the guy goes, goes, and, by the way, there's ample data to support every single thing that she's saying. Right again, not for everybody, for the my clients, um. And then the guy is like oh, I never thought about it from that perspective. I was socialized, culturized, raised. Um, you know that your deepest wound happens to be like I've done that more than I brush my teeth.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like that's literally the frequency. Sometimes, barbie, some guys realize cause they didn't take care of their teeth in their twenties or they didn't brush when they were young and they think about, like we've got the oldest and most impactful habit is causing this deep wound and if men can get away from it's not cheating, it is cheating. It's a terrible argument and it's one that they're always going to lose. So they should get curious on why their partner thinks it's cheating and why you have such different definitions. And if your partner is able to articulate that, because it's hard when you're angry, when you're hurt and you're betrayed, you know unpacking that. Why do I think this way? Because I know other people watch porn together. I know, um, you know it's like the, like the, that makes more money than every sports team that ever existed, every league right and so and he's been doing it since he was a kid, let me, let me.
Speaker 2:And then then they realize, like back to the point you made earlier like Whoa, this isn't about me, this doesn't mean he doesn't love me, right, cause he's the same guy who'd push you out of a way in a moving car and get hit and risk his life to save his children. Same person, right and so when the guy asks those questions and the partner is able to articulate that reason, it becomes a really powerful opportunity to say, hey, let's reflect on the literature. It does say that when couples there's a study, barbie, that someone wrote I wish I knew the name and the beginning of the study says something to the effect of we don't care about love, language, attachment, style, I feel language, non-violent communication. When husband and wife are directing that energy towards each other and both are present for that experience, their lives are significantly better, right? No?
Speaker 1:matter how they resolve conflict there has to be respect for each other so true yeah, I mean without respect you have nothing.
Speaker 1:I mean you have to have trust, but you have to start with respect, um, because I would imagine a lot of that um comes from like I was asking earlier, like why do men do it and it? I have learned through a lot of my talking with people that oftentimes men don't feel like they are appreciated either, right, and so when you don't feel like you're appreciated, you don't feel like you're respected, then you're going to turn to something else. That's just human nature, especially if you're not educated on how to use tools to do something better.
Speaker 2:Inside. Every man is a king or a fool. The one you get is the one you talk to, and we could apply that to everybody.
Speaker 1:Right. Love that, love that saying. One final question. I have a son. How do I, how do I raise my son to be a healthy, sexual male who has healthy ideas?
Speaker 2:Yeah, talk to him. What would you talk to him about?
Speaker 1:But what do you talk to them about?
Speaker 2:Talk to them about your experience, the desire to prioritize physical health, mental health, spiritual health, where there's a fourth one that often gets overlooked and when it is brought up, it's around. Don't do that, you're going to burn in hell and you're going to get a disease and you're going to die. Shame, shame. And so it forces us, as parents, to what are our values around it. What do we want them to be and how do we communicate them at an age-appropriate way to their child? Now, that's beyond my bailiwick. So you know finding the right words for each developmental stage, but the more conversations the better. This isn't you, you know it's. These kids have it tougher than we've ever had, and it's almost, and it's tough finding that age, but he is going to get exposed to pornography and he and you have to instill in him why, as titillating as it is, as exciting as it is for that teenage hormonal developmental brain and how normalized it is now as young as 11, in cases even earlier, my younger clients were talking exposed at eight years old.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Why that incredibly exciting, titillating thing can consume you? Because this part of us is really powerful. It's a really powerful force and what we've learned? When that energy is going towards a partner, when you're ready, you're going to create magic. When it's going this way, you're going to lead to a life of loneliness, low self-esteem, poor coping strategies, completely corrupted sexuality.
Speaker 1:Right, so they're going to be exposed, like you said, to porn, right, and so you have no choice with that. That's just the way it is at this point. What, in your opinion, is a healthy, a healthy sex like? What does a healthy male look like sexually at a teenage, preteen stage? What does that look like? Because you can't control the fact that they're I mean, it doesn't matter if his system's completely locked down at home. His friend's going to have access to something, right? So as a parent, you don't want to shame them. You know that they're going to have access to stuff. So what is it? Is it normal for them to have these desires and then you allow them to have these desires? Is it not normal for them to have these desires? I mean, I'm just trying to look. How do I parent my son?
Speaker 2:Yeah, very normal to have these desires, barbie, but one of the things I've learned as a coach is to stay in my lane and this is outside it. This is an area that you know. There are people out there who can help you, you know, define what that healthy sexuality is. You know, for example, in Christian homes they may be anti-masturbation and non-Christian homes they'd be more tolerant of masturbation. The problem with the anti-masturbation is he's going to do it anyway. The data is like unequivocal. Every guy knows it, every father knows it. Stop pretending, right. So you're going to talk about it and you're going to say, hey, you know this, there's a cost to all. You know all the good things about it and um, but you know that that that depends a lot on the family's belief systems and goals you know with the child and, as you said, that just the idea.
Speaker 1:To me it was like, well, just at least not shaming If there's nothing else that you can do outside of obviously communicating is not bringing shame into anything, because shame just creates people to shut down and think that they're bad and then they have to hide.
Speaker 2:And the root cause, barbie, of every client that I've ever worked with is a deep and profound lack of love for self, and there's always a shame component to that.
Speaker 1:So always making sure they love themselves as much as possible. Correct I love that we are going to end, so appreciate you. Tell us how we can watch your podcast and learn more about your services.
Speaker 2:Sure, if you can find my podcast Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions, it is where every major podcast is found. You can search my name, craig Pera P-E-R-R-A, and that'll bring it to you. We'll put some links in the description below If you want to visit the website mindfulhabithelpcom. Mindfulhabithelpcom.
Speaker 1:Beautiful, love it. Thank you for coming on the show Appreciate you Welcome.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me, barbie. Okay, bye.
