From Wounds to Wisdom (Previously the Mental-Hell Podcast)
Welcome to From Wounds to Wisdom—the podcast where we turn life’s toughest lessons into our greatest strengths. Here, we dive deep into mental health, personal growth, and the messy, beautiful journey of healing. Whether you’re seeking a fresh perspective, a little humor, or just a safe space to feel seen, you’re in the right place. Let’s navigate the hard stuff together and uncover the wisdom waiting on the other side. Ready to get started? Let’s dive in.
From Wounds to Wisdom (Previously the Mental-Hell Podcast)
Answering the Call: One Caregiver's Journey
Have you ever wondered what it really means to become someone's caregiver? Beyond the practical tasks lies a profound journey that transforms not just the life of the person receiving care, but the caregiver themselves.
Vaughn Fahie, host of "Caregivers Like Us" podcast, joins us to share his experience of caring for his mother for six years after her stroke. What began as an act of love became a complete life transformation that shifted his perspective on what truly matters. Von explains how he and his co-host Coach Christy created their podcast by simply "pushing record" to share stories that would help others navigate the often overwhelming journey of caregiving.
We dive deep into the hidden realities of caregiving that are rarely discussed—from the challenges of caring for parents who might have been abusive, to the strain on marriages, finances, and personal goals. Vaughn provides powerful insights into the daily grieving process caregivers experience as they prepare for loss while providing care. Unlike raising children toward independence, caregiving involves the painful knowledge that the journey ends with death.
Perhaps most striking is Vaughn's reflection on life after caregiving ends. The "post-assignment" period brings its own struggles as caregivers must rediscover their identities while processing grief, guilt, and often a lack of acknowledgment for their sacrifice. Yet despite these challenges, Vaughn notes something remarkable: caregivers universally emerge from the experience with greater compassion and a transformed perspective on what truly matters.
Whether you're currently caring for someone, know someone who is, or may someday face this reality yourself, this conversation offers vital wisdom on answering one of life's most demanding calls. As Vaughn reminds us, through caregiving we learn that "what matters matters"—a philosophy that continues to guide him long after his mother's passing.
Subscribe and share this episode to help others understand the profound truths about caregiving and to honor those who have answered this call of love and sacrifice.
Season 2
Unraveling the Mind: From Mental Struggles to Inner Strength.
Welcome to the From Wounds to Wisdom podcast with your host, Barbie Moreno, where we dive into people's past and discover what wounds they incurred and how they transformed those wounds into wisdom to help themselves and others. Welcome to the Mental Health Podcast. This is your host, Barbie Moreno, and today I have Von Foy. He is a voice brander and has been an audio engineer and saxophonist for over three decades. He has a podcast called Caregivers Like Us, and he was a caregiver for his mom for six years, and that's actually what we're going to talk about today the hidden truth to being a caregiver and what it really involves. Welcome, Vaughn.
Speaker 2:I'm glad to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so you know, interesting to have a podcast about being a caregiver. Tell me why and how that happened.
Speaker 2:I mean why and how that happened. The interesting thing my co-host Coach Christy. She was a caregiver for her son that had a syndrome that wasn't curable and she was actually really. We've been friends since high school and she really helped me out when my mom had her stroke and she was able to talk about all the behind the scenes things that I had no idea what to do medically. She was a respiratory therapist and she was able to give a lot of advice, to be an advocate for mom, to give power of attorneys to.
Speaker 2:This is what you say. This is what you need to. No-transcript. We just pushed record and started sharing the stories of what people need to know. It's okay not to understand what's going on, or it's okay that you don't have all the answers, not to understand what's going on, or it's okay that you don't have all the answers and we just continue to invite people to talk about their journey of answering the call to caregiving, because you don't know about it or you hear about it, but unless you're a caregiver, there's just some things you just don't relate to or that you need help with and you won't ask for that help until you become a caregiver. So we want it to be a resource and solution for those caregivers that when they answer the call. So that's how it came about actually on my birthday and we just started pushing record and coming from there started pushing record and coming from there.
Speaker 1:So my my interest in the caregiving story because I love talking about mental health and obviously the podcast is mental health is more of the what is it like to care for somebody? And I'm sure you've talked to lots of people and you probably have your own experiences where, let's say, for instance, I'll give my dad still alive. I don't really talk to him, but if for some reason I had to take care of him and he was not a nice human being, I could not imagine I would be so resentful having to take care of somebody who was not a good parent to me. Do you have that situation that people come across or maybe you guys have come across that Like, how does that work?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we've have actually several episodes of authors that have wrote their books, Actually, and my mom's favorite caregiver shout out to Kimberly she gave that exact story Like she would she would. She gave that exact story like she would she would her mother had allowed all of this abuse physical, sexual and emotional, like horrid stories that through her childhood into her teens until she went on her own. Then, when her mom was sick, she was the only one of her siblings that and she chose to take care of her mom with all of that and she went through a whole bunch of healing and she would be great to be on your podcast. But just that. And there's several others Ellen, we just had her on the show as well.
Speaker 2:That same thing very controlling or abusive parents and then at the end of their journey, they chose to take care of them and they talk about the reality of no, they totally tore my life up and messed me up and we've had a total disrupted relationship and now I'm caring for them and I have to deal with the resentment. I have to deal with all of that stuff that's there in the midst of taking care of you and maybe even still, we're still acting the same way, Right?
Speaker 1:Because just because they get older and maybe they have dementia or whatever the case of me doesn't mean that they change who they are Right. So they were an asshole when you were a kid. They're an asshole when you're an adult and now you're like I have to take care of this asshole and it's like it sounds bad and people might say like that's mean, but it is what it is right. If they're not a nice person yet you still decide to take in the role of being a caregiver. Because I'm being honest with you, if my dad needed a caregiver, I would not step up to the plate. If my mom needed a caregiver she was not the most amazing person either I would step up to the plate. So I do think that we have like choices that we make. I mean, I would be very resentful. I'm gonna be honest, like it is what it is right. I would be mad, I'd be angry and I would probably get annoyed with her because I'm thinking to myself I'm doing all of the things you didn't do for me.
Speaker 2:That's real Right. Yeah, it's real feelings. Yeah, that's real. Yeah, it's real feelings.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's real things and you're right People what they had said when we had those guests. They were like, well, how can you know that's your mom? It's like, yeah, exactly, yeah, it is my mom Right.
Speaker 1:Well, and it's sometimes why we even allow those people in our lives. Anyways, if you, besides the fact that, like you know, if you're going to be a caregiver to them, it feels like there's people in family where we're like, okay, they were not the best person, but they're still my mom, so I'm going to allow them into my life. Maybe I'll put boundaries around it. That's my situation. And then there's those people you're like, yeah, it doesn't really matter. If you're like, you're just not allowed into my life, right, but then you take on the role again. It goes back to being a caregiver, which its role in and of itself is a full time job, I would imagine.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's a life change.
Speaker 1:It's a life change. Do you think it's different than having children?
Speaker 2:It is different than having children. That's a great question, because I moved my family in and I moved my son in to my mom's house. Family in and I moved my son in to my mom's house and but having children, it's like, do you? You care for your child in a way, because you're parenting them. In the case of for me, with my parent, you're making a choice. What am I? My grandfather used to always just say once a man, twice a child.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And where now you're looking to someone who was your hero, who you looked up to or you know, or who did care for you, and now you're, in turn, doing things for them that they did for you. So where it's natural like, well, no, this, no, this is my child. I'm it's like almost default where I'm going to take care of them. So it's different because it has to be a choice and it's at the same time, so it's both up and up and down, but, like they say, the sandwich generation. Now, for my co-host, it was her child and she was caregiving. So was it was one in the same, but she also had two older kids as well. So it was now, how am I caring for this son? But at the same time, this is taking away from my parenting, so to speak, and so there was a lot of dynamics in that. But yeah, to answer your question, it's, I think it's different.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, it's different, like you were saying, because, like, so, I think my children are the gift to the world, right? I mean, they literally walk on water for me. I know that they're not perfect in any way, shape or form, but that my love for them is unconditional. And in the same breath, I don't know that I could say the same thing about a parent. Right Now. I hope that they say that about me. Who knows? Right, I'm sure that they're going to have their. We all have our own issues with our parents, but yeah, I mean, and then, like you said, your co-host having to take care of a child who is your baby, and then you have other children and I would imagine that there's resentment from the other children and we always feel like we're failing people absolutely.
Speaker 2:I always feel like I'm not doing, I didn't do enough, even to now. And we talk about that even as adults, and even our loved ones passed on um we share about yeah, we never felt like we did enough, or or we didn't do it right, or I could have did this better or I could have did all of those, the, the guilt and the shame of you. You answer a call, you you made a decision to care, but you never feel like you're, you never feel like I'm doing this exactly right, or you know it's like, oh, I could have did this better. And it's daily, it could be moment by moment, you know.
Speaker 1:I would imagine there's moments you walk away and you're like oh, I could have handled that better.
Speaker 2:Absolutely All the time. You're always learning. There's always a. You're always learning and you're always forgiving yourself, forgiving the other person, accepting that. You know the situation is what it is, cause sometimes you'll be like man. You'll sometimes you'll feel like I just want to quit. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not, I'm not being. You may not feel you know there's, there's not a lot of appreciation, or the person that you're caring for may not be able to say thank you. You may never hear that in the whole, however long that journey is. Fortunately, you know I was able to um, but but there's several, several, several that never had and um, you either had to receive that from outside or accept that you did what you did, you gave what you gave and and and take it as that. And you hear from other people like, wow, I can't believe how you did that. Now you know I honor you how you do that you know, but you may not feel that way.
Speaker 1:Right, it's like the thankless job. So, you're alive or has she passed?
Speaker 2:She passed, she passed. I mean it's funny because today is actually her birthday she passed. It's funny because today is actually her birthday, birthday, mama, yeah, happy, happily birthday.
Speaker 1:And but she passed on. March 29th will be two years, so two years ago.
Speaker 2:So how was your relationship with her as a child? And then in that situation Thankfully, my story for me and my brother we, we were really close with mom, like every day was mother's day. Uh, she was, um, you know, my parents were separated when probably I was in what was that? Junior high, and mom basically raised us and, but my mom was very passive, timid, but we called her Mighty Mouths because she was just very, you know, just very strong and consistent and loyal in her own way and but as a child we knew that we were loved. Mom was always here. She, you know, she raised us into in church, for us and being, you know, and I always supported our music and everything. She was supportive in anything and everything that we did.
Speaker 2:So and actually she caregived for both her parents died here at the house and her, her sister and her brother. She care gift for all four of them and and so. So it was no question for us, it was no question of, like you know, we're not putting her in a facility, we're going to keep her at home and we're going to do whatever it takes. We didn't have, you know, we didn't even have finances for to keep her at a facility and stuff and it was. You know, we learned of the different resources and things to be able to take care of her at home. So taking care of her was, it was like almost a no-brainer. That didn't say that it was without frustrations and things like that or challenges, which there was, but, um, because I've watched her be a caregiver for all of her family, it was absolutely. It was just default that we're gonna um, that's how she brought us up, that's how her character was.
Speaker 1:so she was just returned on what she um, what she planted all of the life, so on her um place and it was like loving mom and caregiver, that's what we put on her on your podcast uh, on your podcast, caregivers like us I would imagine you hear like we were talking about stories of mothers that were people who were not nearly as blessed as you with a mother like that, right, and so does that make you like look back on your life with a feeling of gratitude?
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely, me and my brother were talking about this. We hear, you know, just different stories. You know we were kind of someone in a bubble, raised in the bubble and as we've traveled and grown and involved in meeting with different people, just hearing different stories that were so different from our lives, and we're like I, some things I was like I couldn't, I just couldn't imagine. We couldn't imagine those kind of discussions in the house or non-discussions, or those kind of discussions in the house or non-discussions or um, and yes, hearing that I could definitely empathize, I guess, if that would be the word with like I don't know how you, how you did that and you came back to serve, right, you know, with that that's, it's just way over the top, because I have no, yeah, we were very blessed and we know that.
Speaker 2:We know that, like my mom was, even the caregivers was like, oh, your mom has the dementia but you know she's a sweetheart compared to other clients that we work with. You know they have their dementia. They're like Crazy, they don't change because they get dementia. Actually it magnifies whatever is in there and if they were mean, it's just amplified if they were bossy, controlling and and uh, the stories that I heard of my mom's caregivers and um and people that we have on on the show for different you know, different, different things. So, yeah, we were, yeah, we were definitely blessed. That's another reason why I wanted to share the stories, because I know that my story is very rare, like super rare.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:To you know, like other parents, even my upbringing and stuff is just different.
Speaker 1:You have a lot of love for mom. Where's dad? It's just different. You have a lot of love for mom.
Speaker 2:Where's dad? My dad is up in Spokane, washington. I have a lot of respect for him. It's interesting because, even though they split, he always provided for us and my mom even to helping with the funeral costs and stuff and he was there. So our relationship had has grown and you know him and his significant other. Him and my mom split, like I said, very young, and so he was. He was out of the home. Mom raised us One book I probably will write. Is called from eighth grader to out of the home.
Speaker 1:Mom raised us One book I probably will write is called From Eighth Grader to man of the House. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because mom really relied on me, she was very dependent and I really took on that role, and in several different ways. But yeah, but that is up north. We have a very close relationship and respecting. There's always, you know, just things growing up and even through relationship with my family, with my son and, as of this podcast, kind of going through a dissolving my marriage and so some of the same things that I, my dad, experienced. It's like, oh wow, it's interesting how I want to make sure things aren't happening with my son and making sure that we're cool and things like that. So Isn't it funny how life does that we're cool and things like that.
Speaker 1:So Isn't it funny, how life does that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, very, very like wow, I would have never the very thing that I never wanted to do. And then it's, it's happening and I was like, okay, well, here's the lessons, and and making sure to keep the mindset so that it's healthy, and healthy first.
Speaker 1:And that's when you can tell a healthy person, because the fact that you say here's the lessons, I also view life.
Speaker 1:It's not for me. It's okay. Here's the lessons. Like here's a learn. Let's talk about the caregiving part of it. You said you started your podcast because you wanted people to kind of get like an idea of the behind the scenes, right? So somebody with dementia who's not an angel like your mom, let's talk about what it's like to be a caregiver. That you've heard and experiences and stuff like that. What are the people who are taking, who are there day to day with these people, their family members? What are they having to encounter that we really don't know about? That is really something that would be very difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot is the ongoing, daily and moment by moment grieving that is happening, because one you're grieving. You're grieving both the parent that you never had, that you wish you would have had, but it was just terrible coming up, so you're reliving or amplifying that grief. Then you're also grieving the fact that they're dying and you're caring for them, and there's still the resentment, or, if it hasn't, you know, or you're caring for them and there's still the resentment, or, if it hasn't, you know, or you're still healing through whichever. However, you're processing, making the decision to to serve.
Speaker 2:In this way, you're grieving at a level and what's happening live is that maybe that the things that you were so resentful for or that affected, or what's happening live is that maybe that the things that you were so resentful for, or that affected or was negative, is happening right now while you're trying to extend care, and it is ultimately it's. It's frustrating because not that there isn't no other options, but they have chosen to care. I'm going to choose to love and care, even though it's not all fluffy whatsoever battle zone, painful, hurtful, bringing up things, reopening up wounds, making new wounds. And what's so hard is that they've chose to still care and keep dignity as much as possible and to still honor, even though honor isn't deserved, or maybe even love, or or the support isn't deserved. They've chosen to do that regardless of what didn't wasn't reciprocal.
Speaker 1:What was not given to them.
Speaker 2:What was not given to them or is not even reciprocal, and knowing that it'll never come.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know my aunt. So my aunt, my mom's side, took care of my grandma who had like a ridiculous amount of strokes and like was bedridden for like 10 years and none of the other kids stepped up there like 10 years and none of the other kids stepped up. There were six kids. None of the other kids stepped up. They would come visit when they felt like it, right, but my aunt's life stopped for like 10 years, like you know. I mean she worked and stuff like that, but like literally her she had. She didn't get to go on vacations because who's going to take care of mom, right? Um, she had to always make sure somebody was there, like she always, like I mean her. It was like having a newborn child, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean she changed diapers she absolutely right so it's like starting all over again, but the difference is this person again is not your child and also they're. They're stuck in their ways. My grandma was mean to her, like I. I know my grandma. My grandma was kind of like a quieter person, but I know she was not saying the nicest stuff to her sometimes and the funny thing is like nobody from my family, now that I think about it, ever told my aunt, thank you yeah, yeah, it's the thing when you said it earlier.
Speaker 2:It is, it can be a very thankless, um, it's a. It's a thankless from the outside. Uh, and and when you and we, we, when, like she's the one that answered the call in there, there was other people and they may have visited here or there, but they didn't contribute to the care or it was very, very minimal. And you know, she was there for her mom, like 24, seven, managing who's going to care, and stuff, like yeah, and it's and it's. And those that don't come in and contribute, they have no idea. They have an image like, oh well, well, you know, all you need to do is just be there, you know, talk with her and put her to sleep, and there's like there's a whole nother world of country.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know it's funny, like as we're talking I'm thinking about, in fact I remember some of the family members saying now, my grandmother didn't have like a bunch of money or anything, but obviously she was getting like Medicare or whatever my grandfather had passed. So there was some money there, not a ton. But I remember some of the family members saying like, oh, she's just doing it, so she gets the money. And I'm just thinking to myself now, like talking to you, like what a shitty thing to say, right, it is because the money is not that I'm telling you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right it is because the money is not that I'm telling you like, yeah, yeah, you know, I, I, we got system. My mom was on uh medicare and we had medical and I was a um, it's called home support, you know services, and so I was a paid caregiver from the state. But it is, it does not. It does it's a fraction of what is needed and, yeah, it's a fraction.
Speaker 1:And do you hear people talk about that? Is that something that people say? Like the family members are, like you know, they don't even, they're not even grateful for the work that they've done, because they feel like there's an ulterior motive to it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and in some like say, if some of the family members like say they're you know, let's just say their parents, they did have money or there was, you know, they had a whole bunch of savings, or they had things and the person that's caregiving that got the power of attorney. Now you hear stories about abuse as well, like they drained all their accounts, they put the house in their name and all of this stuff. That where it is about the money and less about the care. Well, I'm caring because I'm going to get this or deserve this.
Speaker 2:But in the cases where that is, that I think that is kind of the what's the image or impression, I think, oh well, you're caring Then somehow if you stop work.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're getting paid. What you did on your business, you know I had to stop my business or it was very, very limited on what you know, my business. And thank God I'm an entrepreneur, because if I was a regular employee I would. I would be. I would either be fired or I would be laid off or because of the time six years. But yeah, I think the image. People think that oh, you're getting, you're getting, you're getting well paid, or you're driving their car so you don't have any car payments anymore. You don't have. You know, you're at the house, you don't have a mortgage anymore, but you don't, you have no idea.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you have no idea it's like being a parent. Yeah, you have no idea it's like being a parent. It really is right, like you kind of have to sacrifice a lot in order to do it and do it well, right, I mean, you could always just keep somebody in a bed and not take care of them, but if you're going to do it and you call and you answer the call, which is what you call it answer the call, um, because I would imagine that those people who are like that, where they're draining the savings, just like anybody else I would imagine, is few and far between. It's not the majority, right, right, just like you know, in anything you have good and you have people who are not great, but I would say majority of the people. If they're going to step up to the plate, they're doing it because they are somebody who cares and loves and wants to be there, even though it's hard and nobody appreciates you right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, somehow, some way, there is something inside that is overcoming all of the hurt, pain, resentment, and knows that this is going to be the best for this person that we're caring for.
Speaker 2:This is going to be the best for them, and I will endure long suffer put up with, but this is still the best for you and I feel that I am the one to be able to carry that through for you, because maybe I am the only one, or maybe I'm part of a team or something, but normally it's like one person, it's like and there's just a resolve that I'm going to do this. And this is where we, you know, we feel it's like it's the ultimate sacrifice, because I'm going to lay down, okay, my goals, my, my business, my family in a lot of cases, my, my sons, my daughters, my other, my siblings, my wife it was very, you know, for me it was very bringing, you know, my family into my mom's house, caring for her yeah, put a major struggle on them on the marriage, and then she was caregiving, and for her family as well. So we had like dual caregiving. So, yeah, but I was never not going to care for my mom.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so you sacrifice all that.
Speaker 1:Do a lot of people end up divorced who decide to be caregivers? Do you know?
Speaker 2:You know what I don't I've heard, I haven't looked up the statistics but yeah definitely. Yeah, definitely puts a toll, especially if there's not a. I don't know what the caregiving itself brings about the divorce. But if there's in the relationship, if there's not an understanding and a, there's all kinds of factors going in, like because when it comes it's not like it's planned, and if there's not tools or communication ready to deal with that can talk through or work through that new dynamic, then yeah, it's definitely impactful.
Speaker 1:Well, and I would imagine so, if you're somebody who your parent was abusive your spouse knows your parent was abusive then you're bringing this abusive parent even if it's later, many, many years later right Into your home, like your spouse. Wants is hurt when you're hurt.
Speaker 1:If you have a good spouse, right? Your spouse is hurt when you're hurt and your spouse probably doesn't want the person who has hurt you the most in your life in their home 24 7, because they don't. I mean, I couldn't even imagine my husband would probably be like what are you like? What are you doing? Like this person did all of these things to you and now they're in our home 24 seven and you're giving up all of this part of our life for them. Like, like, that's just a lot.
Speaker 2:It is and that's.
Speaker 2:I think that's where part, where again, it really challenges and it brings like for the marriage, for like the one to be able to take care of it.
Speaker 2:It's either a supportive I'm going to go through with you because there's an understanding of why you're making the sacrifice, cause again you're answering the call and feeling like, well, you know, and of course you may discuss it. Um, um, you know, my, my wife and I had, we had discussed, actually we were planning on getting renting a home that was big enough to have all of our parents there, like we're just going to have all the old people be in one place so we can take care of them. And so there was going in with the understanding. But I think the dynamics change. But if there's a conversation, if there's an understanding, and it's like you know, at some point, or even right away, it's like I just feel I have to do this. So either the spouse is you know, will become supportive of that, or learn to be Cause. So it's also they answer the call too, because they're part of it and that's a whole.
Speaker 1:It's a whole different thing, because you specifically said there was no way you weren't going to take care of your mom, right? So if your spouse and let's just again, let's take the scenario away that you're a different person not a lot of people have an amazing mother, right? So let's your spouse you're like there's no way I'm not going to take care of my mother and your spouse is just like not the person like you isn't somebody who would be called to be a caregiver, which I imagine majority of people, again, I would say, are not called to be caregivers. So even if one spouse is called to be the caregiver, most likely they're married to somebody or in a relationship with somebody who is not right. We usually marry our opposite. So so, yeah, I mean like it changes that entire relation.
Speaker 1:I can't imagine that it doesn't put a even in a healthy relationship. I can't imagine it doesn't put a lot of strain on it. You know what I mean Like financial strain, emotional strain. There's only so much time in the day. You have other people in the household who need your attention. You feel like you're failing all of the time because you can't get to everybody and everybody else's needs. You're not taking care of your own needs.
Speaker 2:So you're probably exhausted, you're probably worn down, you're probably becoming unhealthy. Is this all true? Yeah, yeah, it's a poll, and if you're not getting the support or encouragement and it's like, oh well, now you're, now you're failing in all areas, okay Well, oh man, my son, I'm neglecting time with my son, son, I'm neglecting time with my son. I'm neglecting time with my wife. Um, I'm paying all attention to my mom. That's here and now they're off doing other things.
Speaker 2:I still have to bring uh, income in. I still, you know, there's still a whole life that was before instantly adding on. And so the, the person you write finances and stuff. So, okay, well, what do we agree? You know it has to be all renegotiated. Well, extra stuff that was here, and I mean she can't eat, she needs to be fed, she can't be left alone, she has to be 24 seven. So we have to get someone to come in. That's a cost, that's an expense, you, you know, for us to go out to eat or have a day at disneyland or something. So, yeah, there's all kind of factors that immediately come in and change, change life and um, and if you don't have, have or use the tools to work through that and um, that's one of the main reasons. Another reason with the, with the podcast, is like these are tools that, when this comes up, you're if you know you may not have readily answers or people to talk to, or even you can't really research this quickly on google um.
Speaker 1:You know what do you?
Speaker 2:do when you spouse and caregiving.
Speaker 1:You know right so and you're preparing for somebody's death yeah yeah, I mean, that's a whole. That's exactly what's going on right, like, sadly, you are now preparing for somebody's death. So you're doing all of this work knowing that.
Speaker 1:So like it's different when you're raising kids because you're preparing for them to go into the world right for their leaving, right for them leaving the nest and them excelling and them finding their own life, and there's beautiful joy of giving them the tools to find this beautiful life right. But this is the opposite you're preparing for this person to go and leave you and to die and then to not ever to be able to, for them to say like when your kids leave. And then they have a life and you get to see the beauty that comes from their life and they have children and you get to meet your grandchildren and you get to go through all of these different things.
Speaker 1:There is a reward right, but there's no reward at the end of this. There is a loss of somebody in your life. Whether you had a good relationship or a bad relationship. If you stepped up to be their caregiver, you obviously love them at some point in your life, and so you are preparing to lose somebody that you loved.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. You're preparing to lose them. You don't know when. It could be any day. In a lot of situations it could be any day. It can be. Sometimes you wish it was today and it's another 10 years because it could be very long long, yeah, long term, um, and it could be like.
Speaker 2:You know, I thought, mom, um, she didn't die from dementia, she, it was a another complication, actually, she had a heart attack, and so it was something totally different from what what the uh, the ailment was, and so it was somewhat sudden. We weren't expecting it. We were expecting like there's okay, this is going to be the way of life for as long as she's gonna, you know, uh, be alive, because she was, she was healthy, so to speak, and she could and she was actually getting better, um, with the dementia, with the with the dementia but she was, you know, more active.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she was becoming forgetful, but she was, you know, more active. Yeah, she was becoming forgetful, but she was able to walk, she was able to eat for foods where, when she had the stroke, she wasn't able to swallow or had to eat period food. So there was like improvement on one side. But, you know, memory was going the other way and it was just, uh, readjusting to who the new person was yeah no, yeah, so long term, you donterm, you don't, you're, you're, but you are preparing.
Speaker 2:I mean, she's elderly, right? So this isn't going to be forever. Yeah, yeah, and it's going to end, and you do need to prepare for the end, and, and you're right, so when the end does come, what does that look like? Where were you at All of that good stuff?
Speaker 1:Are a lot of people in need of therapy, or do they have PTSD after all of this stuff?
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. In major ways, some of the things that we've already talked about, but like when they do pass and you feel, wow, I could have did. One thing about caregivers is that we emphasize that you, you do the best you can with what you have and what you know, and after the passing, and even after we call it, after our assignments over.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:My co-host and I were. You know, both of our loved ones have passed and but the first thing afterwards is like, well, who am I now? Who is Vaughn, who is no longer the assignment of caregivers done? And, yes, I have. You know, I have to start all over again, but now I'm starting over with whatever I just went through and it's a brand new, fresh. It's not clean, but it's a brand new, fresh, new, fresh. You know, start and picking up the pieces and I'm, oh, I'm no longer um, my, my co-host, uh, christy, talks about her. You know she does. She's waking up in the middle of the night like I don't no longer have to check on my son, who may die at any minute. Is he breathing? Um, the routines that we build in caregiving of making sure they haven't died yet, or making sure that they're got their prescription, or their breathing routine, or whatever it is that stops. And so, yeah, there's.
Speaker 1:And usually abruptly it stops. So it's not like you can even prepare for it, right? It's just kind of abrupt yeah, you never know.
Speaker 2:You don't know when that's going to be and when it when it happens, and it's like break, stop there, but the momentum of everything is still, still rolling in your mindset. Now then you have to deal with, okay, preparing for, you know, ceremony, burial, um, adjusting friends, and you know, friends, family or or lack of um, because that could be a whole lonely thing too. It was interesting that my mom's longtime friends, like they, didn't make it to the or say anything and it's like, wow, my mom was.
Speaker 2:So you know good to you good and and so you're dealing with all all of that as well. And but then now you're restarting and uh, yeah, it's a you, you, you. You have gone through a lot of different trauma, especially with um, those that um weren't treated well, you know, they had all of of this resentment and things like that. And then also how you were treated during that journey, or not treated. And then the thanklessness of it and you're questioning yourself well, there's still the shame. Did I do my best? And I did, I actually just doing it was my best.
Speaker 2:And then the thanklessness of it. You know other family, no one understands or knows what all that you've given and sacrificed. And now you're starting on your own. So it's like, um, you know in yourself that it was worth it and and hopefully you learn, you grab the lessons from there and use that to now for your life. From here forward, you can help others go through what you went through easier and things like that. So, yeah, there's a lot of post-assignment we call it just things that you have to heal, reapply, grow from and hopefully in a healthy way and not in a negative way, so that there's not resentment and bitterness. And yeah, there's a lot of things to forgive, forgiving yourself.
Speaker 1:That's hard in general.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So you pile all of that on there with and maybe other people, family members saying well, you should have did this Right.
Speaker 1:Blaming you when they didn't step up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, blaming you. Then they want to argue and be the ones that want to control the whole, now the whole dispersion.
Speaker 1:It's all done and they're like. I want to be the executor of the will.
Speaker 2:You like, I want to be the executor of the will. You're like, what the heck like wait, you don't think? Well, no, we all should have it. Even. And there is no consideration about your contribution to keeping your sacrifice.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that we, like you're saying the word contribution, which is a beautiful word, and it is um, and then there's also there is a huge sacrifice that goes with it, absolutely. I can't imagine. The first of all, I apologize for my dogs in the background, if you can hear them.
Speaker 2:Oh, I can hear you.
Speaker 1:I have a big golden retriever, okay, but I can't imagine the mental hell that it would be to take care of a child knowing that the outcome is they are going to die because we lose children. I, I think my world would end, um, and I then I also know it won't, but you know what I mean. But like it wouldn't, but like it feels like it would. But people with children, unfortunately, you know every day. But knowing that you're going to, you're taking care of your child every single day, that knowing that you're going to, you're taking care of your child every single day, knowing that they are not going to have a future, they are not going to get to go and live their life, knowing that you're preparing for your child's death, it just makes me so sad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's sad and interesting. It's sad and and it just makes it really gives a perspective on moments and how precious our moments are and how precious life is and how. What does it say? Don't sweat the small stuff. You know, you, me and my brother were like through this experience when we were like we don't care, we're going to be, I don't care if my job finds me, I don't care. You know, we were going to be by mom, 24, seven. It's like we came up with the term what matters matters. We've we really learned that what matters matters, that we thought that mattered before. And I think when you have um, um and uh, my co-host, christy, could really speak to this. Um, because her son didn't get a diagnosis for the first five years of his life, like he wasn't supposed to live past five years old and miraculously he lived 30 years.
Speaker 2:So every day he could have died every day for the next 25 years.
Speaker 1:So she appreciated her time with him.
Speaker 2:She appreciated her time with him. It was also him adulting in the syndrome. It's a slower mindset growth, so even though he was 30, his mindset was still probably teenager. And, interestingly, the syndrome is in her grandkids. So she has two grandkids with the same syndrome and they're teens now. But she's learned about the syndrome and helps with her daughter. But her grandkids are everything to her and she knows, like you said, she knows the path, she knows the timeline. So everything is precious. It just gives a whole different perspective. And she knows, like you said, she knows the path, she knows, like the timeline, that so everything is precious. It just gives a whole different perspective of not only on, yeah, your child and you know that they're going to pass, so you maximize everything right now.
Speaker 1:Right. It's almost like other people get to take it for granted. Like other people take it for granted, right. Like you look at people. They talk to their kids and they're like go play on your iPad, like don't bother me. Or they're in the same room and the parents on their phone, just staring at their phone and not even acknowledging their kids. He was like can we go outside and play? Can we go outside and play? Like I'm busy? Or they imagine, if you know, your child has death in the future and, by the way, none of us know how long our children are going to live right right and so.
Speaker 1:But the difference is she's aware that there is a limited time where the average parent takes for granted that there is not a limited time, right?
Speaker 2:and I think that there's a limited time, that there's not unlimited.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, and we and we, we never know, uh, it just I think, I think that there's a limited time, that there's not unlimited. Yeah, hear, we can hear of someone's situation and really take self-inventory about how precious time is. Relationships is what it is, you know, there can be. We may not be the ones experiencing it, but we can hear the stories and then it's like, man, I couldn't imagine. It just really really helps us to reflect and and I think, to really um realize how, um, how precious and limited, you know, because anything can happen at any time. So it was a reminder, so that we're not taking advantage or just missing out on precious time, which we all tend to do, you know, we just do it.
Speaker 1:So and do you carry that forward after their death? And then now your relationships. Do you feel like have more presence in them because of your caregiving with your mom?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, I think there's there's been an absolute amplified level of compassion for other people's stories and their journeys. I think especially because hearing the other stories and knowing that even though mine, my mom and our relationship was different, it really really, really gave a compassion for others where it's like, no, that's not the case, and it gave a sense of sensitivity that, whether it was wonderful, blessed like mine, or horrid and horrific like some of our guests, the individual still making the decision for that journey and that sacrifice it requires still the same support. It's the same community, it's the same after your assignment's done, there's a bond, there's resources that need. So it helped me really to in relationships, to be very, very sensitive to what other people's stories are and that it's not. My story is unique in its own, but others don't have that story.
Speaker 1:And that's real life, right. And I think this is the part people forget. We meet people all day long and we just forget. We forget everybody has their story and at that moment they might be struggling and if you're just a jerk because they didn't make your coffee the same temperature that you want, you could literally brighten their day by saying I appreciate you. Or you can ruin their day by being the jerk that they hear all day long because the coffee isn't exactly 100%.
Speaker 1:My daughter was talking about this. She went in and picked up my ice cream tea from Starbucks and she was waiting and the lady she said that she's like gosh, mom, people are so rude and I go, what happened? And she said the lady that was next to her, um, like I guess her coffee was like supposed to be an iced coffee and it was hot. And then she turns to the barista and she's like it says it right on the label like really rude. And my daughter's like that, like poor barista, like we don't know what her life is like. We don't know if she goes home and takes care of her mother or if she goes home to you know, four children, or she goes home and she's just has a depression because she had a PTSD past. Like we don't know anything about people and we just are hard on people all of the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. We have no idea. And if and and if, when we take a moment to even hear the tip of the iceberg snippet of something that they're going to, there can be at least some kind of like wow. I think it also it brings up whether it's like super selfish or not, Because normally the like, what do they say? The hurt people hurt people.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly yeah.
Speaker 2:And they're not really open because they really don't care about.
Speaker 2:I don't care about what your life is right now mine is not coffee's cold or coffee hot and it's cold and I just care about me, and uh, rather than yeah, like your daughter was saying, like no, wow, they're rude and that's where we're at. But somehow or not but, and because of the journey that I am listening to stories it's like I can make a choice that each day, if I can synergize, if I can partner with, if I can go alongside with, is somehow whether it's my music, whether it's some kind of advice, whether it's my smile, whether it's my ear listen, something I have an opportunity to make someone else's day better, somehow something. It may not, but at least I have the opportunity to, and they get to choose.
Speaker 1:Then what they do with it, but at least I have the opportunity to, and they get to choose, then, what they do with it. But at least if you're kind, do most people you interview come out like you, in a way of gratitude and seeing the world in a way where they want to show up as a better human, or do they come out worn out and bitter, or like the people, like what? What's the experience that you have with?
Speaker 2:that. That's a great question. I think of all. Yeah, I can't think of anyone that came out of caregiving. It's almost like you. It's almost like you can't.
Speaker 1:That's an interesting thought.
Speaker 2:It's almost like you can't right, yeah, I think I it's almost I have I'm trying to think of if there's any way that a caregiver, someone that decided to care for somebody until the end, or even are in it right now, even the people that share you know it was.
Speaker 2:It was terrible, the whole journey was just the whole. I couldn't stand it, but I but I chose to be in it somehow, some way, that experience and that sacrifice and that gave an appreciation and um, what's the word? Uh? And a compassion for for one, for other caregivers, like you know, it's like no, I understand um, and, and they, and immediately, caregivers want to contribute to other caregivers that are answering the call because they know, they know well, we get it and um, and I think, I think I couldn't imagine, I couldn't, I couldn't see you going through that, even through whatever hell that you went through, and the reason why I say that is because of like, um, uh, kimberly and Kimberly and Ellen, and there's some other, several other caregivers that are like they wrote books about how how bad it was how bad it was and even still, they wrote a book about it so that they can share one.
Speaker 2:That hey, yes, you can do the sacrifice and it wasn't all love and hugs and I'm, you know, got my halo on and I'm good Samaritan. It wasn't all love and hugs and I'm, you know, got my halo on and I'm good Samaritan, it wasn't. It wasn't any of that, it was. It was straight up warfare and battle grounds and resentment and I had to do a lot of healing and um, but yet I'm still glad that I went through it. It wouldn't be any other way.
Speaker 1:Makes me want to call my aunt and say thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh, you know what that that would be. She might even break down because, because for someone to get it and then and then say you know what Wow, we hear that a lot too. Like other people were like when they they they've had friends when they were caregiving. It's like, well, can't you just, you know, let your mom blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, you don't understand. And then, years later, when they became caregivers, they called back and said you know what? I had no idea and how you were doing all of that. Um, now you know, thank you, yeah, she would, that would be. That would be very, very, very, very touching. I love thank you. Yeah, she would. That would be. That would be very, very, very, very touching.
Speaker 1:I love that. Thank you for enlightening us in that so that we can we can be grateful to those that do sacrifice and and and do this and step up to the plate and, you know, make this part of their journey. Um, I would love for people who this touched to be able to listen to everybody's stories, and maybe there are people who really need the support and they feel alone. So can you give us information on how people can find your podcast?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we made it real simple Caregivers Like Us and the website is caregiverslikeus, so caregivers like us and it's the podcast on any of the platforms Spotify, apple and all of that but if you go to caregiverslikeus, we find resources there and all of the episodes you can push play there. And, yeah, we'd love to hear we're always open for people to share their stories, their journeys or services that they offer. Like can't wait to have you on to share about mental mental health, because that's a real, that's a real thing that is necessary.
Speaker 1:Real tools, there's real tools. Yeah, there's real tools. Yeah, there's real tools. The brain does change when you go through these types of things and you have to be able to find tools to help you. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. What's Bond's future?
Speaker 2:Ooh great.
Speaker 1:Crystal ball? No, crystal ball, just what's? What is Bond one for himself.
Speaker 2:You know what I want and it's funny because the workshop I was doing was about that about. You know what's immediately my word for the year is strategy. And and I just had my birthday, so I am now 54 word years old. That's my. I'm 54 word this year.
Speaker 1:Happy belated.
Speaker 2:Thank you, and what I'm for me is more of being able to impact, more of being able to speak and share like this, being able to impact, educate and support and help caregivers ultimately, but also others. Just in my music it's healing. You know my instrumental music. So more music into the souls to uplift things like that, more authors to help them get their voice out as the voice brand and helping them to self-narrate. But I want to contribute in a what do you want to call it? An exponential way. That has been in the past. So I'm looking forward to healthy collaborative relationships and being able to make impact for what I was designed for the way, what I was designed to do and to be.
Speaker 1:And what is one way you've decided you can take care of you? This is not work related, this is not family related dad roles, all these different things but what is Vaughn going to do to take care of Vaughn?
Speaker 2:Oh, that is.
Speaker 1:We just go out like we either go big, we go, how do we take care of other people? But do you notice that you never say how do I continue to take care of myself?
Speaker 2:That is, that is that is good. I am, I'm, I'm being selective on how I, how I share, uh, I'm I'm gonna self-honor, love that self-honor.
Speaker 2:Um, I have up to now now lived a lot where pleasing other people not in a bad way, but pleasing, serving other people and I'm going to self-honor and really do the things that Vaughn likes to do. I think this year whether I book it my dream is to. I love castles. I'm fascinated with castles and lighthouses. So I was born in Germany and I haven't been back since. So I want to go to Germany. I want to go to the Porsche, which is the Volkswagen factory there. I want to drive the Autobahn, I want to visit castles and I want to go down the European river cruises, from Prague down to Danube. And that's yeah, that's what I'm looking forward to. I mean, it may be going this year, or at least booking it this year.
Speaker 1:From one person to another who also has big dreams like you, I would say go, don't book it, go Also, I have a contact at Porsche, so remind me, see if I can help you with that.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean if we can help each other make each other's dreams come true. That's what it's all about, right?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's who knows you, not who you know. That's what I think.
Speaker 1:Who knows you?
Speaker 2:I love it. Never heard of that. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:Give us your podcast one more time, for everybody.
Speaker 2:Caregivers Like Us. So caregiverslikeus is the website and you can look under that name, and my co-host is Coach Christy. And, yeah, come on and take a part and listen. Thanks, thanks so much for this opportunity.
Speaker 1:Yeah, loved having you on and I hope that others do find your podcast and that it helps those it's meant to help.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Appreciate it. Thanks, Barbie.
