From Wounds to Wisdom (Previously the Mental-Hell Podcast)

FWTW S3E08 | Why One Childhood Tragedy Led Dr. John DeGarmo to Foster 60+ Children

• Barbie Moreno • Season 3 • Episode 8

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In this episode of From Wounds to Wisdom, host Barbie Moreno sits down with Dr. John DeGarmo—TEDx speaker, educator, foster-and-adoptive father, and founder of the Foster Care Institute. He shares how the tragic loss of his first child became the catalyst for a life of profound service, welcoming over 60 children into his home and reshaping the conversation around foster care, trauma, and healing.

CHAPTERS:
Introduction to Dr. John DeGarmo
The turning point: loss, anger, and grief
Becoming a teacher in rural Georgia & noticing trauma in children
Opening his home: fostering, adoption, real‑life challenges
Mental‑health crisis in foster care & modern pressures (social media, trafficking)
What YOU can do: beyond fostering, advocacy, mentoring
Closing thoughts & invitation to join the movement

KEYWORDS:
foster care, child trafficking, trauma‑informed parenting, adoption, Dr. John DeGarmo, foster parent training, childhood mental health, service leadership, rural education, children in crisis

GUEST INFO:
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Instagram drjohndegarmo
Youtube   ⁨@dr.johndegarmo7123
Linked In  John DeGarmo, Ed.D. Keynote Speaker, TED Talk Speaker
Amazon Dr. John Degarmo

🔗 RESOURCES:
🎙 Subscribe to the podcast: From Wounds to Wisdom [Spotify, Apple Podcast, anywhere you listen to your podcasts!]
🌐 Learn more: [barbiemoreno.com]

Season 2
Unraveling the Mind: From Mental Struggles to Inner Strength.

SPEAKER_01:

What would drive a man to open his home to over 60 children? Well, for Dr. John DeGuermo, it started with a devastating loss, the death of his first child, and unfolded into a powerful legacy of radical love. Now a global foster care expert and a TEDx speaker, his story is proof that even our deepest grief can birth a mission greater than us. Let's dive in.

SPEAKER_02:

These are children. These are children. And if we don't help these children, then who will?

SPEAKER_01:

Thanks, Dr. John DeGarmo, for coming on the From Wounds to Wisdom podcast. We're grateful to have you here.

SPEAKER_02:

My pleasure. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01:

You have a a lot in your story, um, of which you're doing a lot of work and good for the world. Would you like to kind of start us off with what started everything that you're doing now?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, sure. Thanks for asking. Uh, I guess what started it was uh really the death of my first child. My wife was in labor for 92 hours, child died at birth. The child had a condition called ancephaly, or some pronounce it ana kephily. It's a condition where the brain or skull doesn't truly form. And as a result, the child died upon birth. And I think that really started because at that time when that happened, I turned my back on a lot of things in my life. I was filled with a lot of anger. It really denied my grief. I just was so angry because I thought, how can this happen? My wife and I don't do drugs, we don't do alcohol. How can this happen when when so many do? And they have healthy children.

SPEAKER_01:

So was she full-term when that happened?

SPEAKER_02:

No, just before.

SPEAKER_01:

Just before.

SPEAKER_02:

But the baby certainly would have lived, to be sure. Because I've had kids as a foster parent who were well before full term in our house. Uh we had a child who was four pounds in our house at one time. So then then years later, we moved back to the United States. My wife's from Australia, we were living there at the time. Moved back to the United States, and we had held three healthy children. And then I started teaching in a rural school system in middle Georgia, filled with a lot of apathy, a lot of generational apathy, generational poverty, generational abuse. And I noticed a lot of those kids coming through my classroom. And I and I said to my wife, you know, we lost our first child. We had three healthy children. I got these kids in my classroom who are victims of abuse, neglect. I also at the time, there was also in the late 1990s, early 2000s, there was in this small rural county the largest child sex trafficking ring in America happening at that time. And it was arrested for bringing over a thousand kids over state lines for sex. And a lot of those kids were victims in my classroom. So I said to my wife, you know, we have victims of human trafficking in my classroom, abuse, neglect. Um, how can we help these kids? What can we do? Well, that led to us opening our family as foster parents and having the blessing of adopting three kids in the system as well. And that's what really started me on this journey that I never ever expected.

SPEAKER_01:

So, do you feel like you were living your grief through taking care of these other children? Did is how you were processing your grief?

SPEAKER_02:

No, I I was eventually able to reconcile my grief before we became foster parents. Um, but I have always, my wife and I have always led a life of serving others in some way. I became a teacher at early on because I wanted to help kids. And then the death of that first child really, as I said, filled me a lot of anger. And I was able to reconcile it. These kids in my classroom are victims. I thought, what can I do? My wife had been thinking about foster parenting at the same time, although we had never discussed it. So I said, you know, what about being a foster parent? And she had the same thought.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah, that's how um foster parenting is, I would imagine, extremely hard because you get these children for a short period of time, you give them a safe space, and then most of the time they go back to their parents who created this abusive traumatic environment.

SPEAKER_02:

That's right. 50% of kids in foster care do are reunified. The hardest part for many foster parents is when the child leaves the home. Because when a child comes to my home, there's no label, there's no biological or foster adoptive, that become members of my family, and we love them like members of our family. So when they do leave, like so many foster parents, it's a time of of grief and loss. It's like losing a member of our family. So that's very hard to be sure.

SPEAKER_01:

What happens to the children? Because you, I mean, they come from this place where they don't know what the next day is gonna look like most of the time, right? Or even the next moment. They finally get some stability, then they're reunited again with this person who unfortunately we all know the statistics that most people don't truly change and work the system and all of those different things the way that they're supposed to. Do you often get repeat kids? Like, how does that work?

SPEAKER_02:

We've had, as I mentioned to you, 50% of kids are reunified with their parents. Of that 50%, 20 to 30 percent come back into care because maybe their parents weren't ready yet. Maybe they sink back into their own addictions, um, maybe they're struggling with their own anxieties, maybe um, they're not getting the support services they need when the child comes back home. There's a number of reasons why. But when they do come back into care, generally they have taken many steps backwards and they'll have more issues of trust, more issues of attachment.

SPEAKER_01:

And then are they often placed back in the same foster homes or are they just kind of placed wherever there's room?

SPEAKER_02:

Both. Many times the agency will call the fosh parents that they were a child in because it they want to have that connection, that sense of trust, attachment. Uh, and we've had it happen a couple of times, but sometimes they'll go back to another family, or maybe the family moves out of state, maybe moves to a different state. So therefore, it's not an option, really.

SPEAKER_01:

Heartbreaking in some ways, right?

SPEAKER_02:

It is the hardest thing I've ever done, to be sure. Uh, it's been the most rewarding thing, you know. Every child may be a better person in some way. But um, when you have children come to your home who are filled with issues of trust, issues of attachment, and they've been going from home to home to home. Who do they trust? And they may have issues of anger, trauma, anxiety. Uh, and yeah, that can really turn a household upside down. Um, but again, it's been a wonderful adventure. I would never, I would never, um, I would never do anything different. But as I mentioned earlier, I never expected doing it. Nothing never planned on it.

SPEAKER_01:

And that many kids, right? Because that's a lot of kids. You said it's 60 plus kids that you've had in and out of your home. I mean, what's the most you've had at one time?

SPEAKER_02:

11.

SPEAKER_01:

Eleven and yes, 11 children. So you must have a massive home, like just off topic. Like, I don't know how you like, unless they're sleeping on top of each other.

SPEAKER_02:

Seven and diapers at one point. Wow. At the same time, which I think should be a legal law for these days, because that's rough. Seven and diapers.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, how can you obviously give attention to all of those different um when you're changing diapers all the time?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And how do you give attention to yourself so that you have the energy to give to them, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, that's why many foster parents experience something known as secondary traumatic stress or uh which is also known as compassion fatigue. And I love that term compassion fatigue, fatigue from compassion from caring, exhaustion from caring. Uh yeah, so self-care is so important. I was telling a journalist this earlier today, I believe the real pandemic is not a virus, it's mental health. We are in a mental health crisis right now, and our children are at the forefront of that mental health crisis.

SPEAKER_01:

How long have you been fostering?

SPEAKER_02:

We start in 2002.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so from because I agree with you with the mental health crisis, I think it's getting significantly worse.

SPEAKER_02:

Um particularly since 2020, since the lockdowns.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it how have you seen the shift in the kids that you had, you know, in 2002 to now? Like, how are you having to navigate changing who your way of doing things for their needs?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, a lot of them right now are really dependent upon social media as an escape, or they're going on social media looking for love and acceptance because they have had that in their life. But that's where the predators are. The predators are on there looking for the most vulnerable children. And those are usually kids and foster care who just want to believe that someone loves them. And when I first started in 2002, that wasn't nearly the issue. In addition, there's a lot of children who struggle with issues of identity.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, what gender am I? They have that because they've seen that all the time. When you have a child who is never shown any sort of healthy love, who never built a relation, a positive relationship with a parental figure, um, they're searching for something to fill that tremendous hole in their life and and it's just increased. You know, since since the lockdowns of 2020, we've seen a 70% increase in teenage suicide attempts, which is startling. And in addition, in 2020, when we have five million kids who experience domestic violence in their house every single day. And for so many of those children, they go to school to escape that. But when we uh in 2020, when we we locked them out of home, we locked home with their abusers. And as a result, we're seeing a lot of mental health issues as a result from there as well. Uh but but you know, the the depression, the anxiety um wasn't so prevalent in when we first started than it is now.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Would in you say it started in 2020. Now, those people who are locked at home, the kids that are locked at home with their abusers, then you add the fact that the abusers themselves are locked at home, which probably then caused them to have their own issues, which then caused more abuse. And it's just like this never-ending cycle of these poor kids who just have no chance in life if they don't, you know, if somebody doesn't step in and help them.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. There's no in 2020 there was no mandated reporter because teachers are mandated reporters. So those kids are going to school not only for two meals a day, which they might not be getting at home, but also to escape for eight hours of horrific violence. Uh so there was a mandated reporter to help those those children keep an eye on them. So it was rough. It is harder now for foster parents. In fact, agencies are really struggling to retain foster parents because uh these mental health issues, so many people are not equipped to to deal with these new issues. And then you have a lot of children who are living with their grandparents today as well. And that those grandparents, they don't understand technology, social media, these predators on there, right? Predators online. Yeah, it's a different much, much than it was 20 years ago.

SPEAKER_01:

I've always uh kind of thought that it would be nice to be a um foster parent, but then the things that I have heard is that especially when you have children, it's hard to have children and foster because there's attachments. So, you know, the children become attached to the um both sides, the the foster child, and then your own children become attached to it. The sometimes that your own feel like they're being taken away from so that you can foster. How did you navigate parenting with that?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I'll tell you this. I have six children, three biological, three adopted, but they're they're all while none of them may ever become foster parents. I believe that they all are quick to help others and will lead a life of serving others in some capacity because they were foster siblings. My children have been able to see what so many others don't see or ignore. And so my kids are much more compassionate towards others. They are much quicker to stand up for bullying, they're much quicker to help a person who's in need because they've had that. Um, yeah, sometimes the kids have said, you know, dad, this this hurts. I'm, you know, I really miss that that child. Sometimes I say, Dad, this drive this can be crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

Um I bet.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, and I say, I know that, you know, they're driving me crazy too. I get it. Uh, but you know, so my wife and I, we're conscious of making time for each of our child, one-on-one. We call it special time, where you know, I might take out a child once a month to the movies or ice cream, and my wife would do the same thing to nails or shopping, whatever it might be, to give them that one-on-one time. And we do that every day too. You know, we try to spend a little bit of one-on-one time with every child. And of course, every child is told every single day how they are loved, they're valued, how you know, that kind of thing. They need to have that positive affirmation every single day. Sadly, some kids never hear those words.

SPEAKER_01:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

So we make sure that uh before they go to bed, it's you know, I love you every night.

SPEAKER_01:

And since you've been doing this for 23 years, you've seen these children. Have you have you able to see some of them grow into adults?

SPEAKER_02:

She came to us at 17 years of age, and three families had adopted her, and three families had abused her, and then gave her back to the state over a course of nine years in three different states. And when she came to our house, she had a lot of issues of attachment, a lot of issues of trust, as well as she should. Um, in fact, her biological family was killed in a different country. So she brought over here, but that's by another family in a different country, and it was tough. Yeah, she didn't trust us and she shouldn't. But now she she works for child welfare. She's is a mother to two wonderful children that my wife and I get to be grandparents to. She's married to a great guy, but it was Rocky when she was first with us. But we know we we never she tried everything in her energy to sabotage um the placement in her home because every other adult had sabotage.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, she's testing you, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, to be sure, she sure did. Um, that's one story. Uh, there's several others, you know. Uh uh at uh December 22nd, every year we have we tried on our doors as many kids that we've had come through a home. And this past year, we had a child. Um, he was 17. His mother kicked him out of the house when he was 17 for a boyfriend that she'd only known for one month. His boyfriend said, Hey, make a choice, you, me, or your or your son. He was actually a nine psychotropic drugs and he came to our house just to sedate him, keep him quiet. My wife was a doctor of natural pathic medicines, got him down to one. It's like watching a butterfly come out of a cocoon. He saw choices, he saw options, he saw a future. Um, and he we live with us for a little under a year, and he left at 18, and then we hadn't seen him for uh seven years. And this past Christmas I invited him and he brought his wife and his kids. It was fantastic, it's fantastic.

SPEAKER_01:

And that just being with you for that one year.

SPEAKER_02:

That's right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so it shows you how much of an income impact you can make in a short period of time.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I know you're man of faith. How has this um I mean, because you see a lot, right? And so sometimes I did has it ever tested your faith?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, yes. You know, I've had many kids who've been victims of human trafficking through my home. I've seen kids who have had the most horrific of crimes that I can't even begin to to describe that haunt me daily. Um, sure. I think God, how can you let this happen to a child? How can you let this happen to a child? Right. At the same time, I couldn't do without my faith. I couldn't do without my faith. Because there are days where I say, this is too hard. This is too hard. I'm I'm worn down, exhausted. I this my house chaotic. It's it's controlled chaos, structured chaos, but it's still chaotic. Um, and it's tough. And then when the child leaves your home too, it's like losing, you know, losing a member of your family. We've experienced four failed adoptions. Um, so lots of heartbreak. So we we rely on that, but I couldn't again I couldn't do without my faith.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And is faith something that you teach these kids?

SPEAKER_02:

No, we don't teach it to them, we model it through our everyday lifestyle. They know that we pray for them, they know that we go to church and they come to church with us because they're members of our family.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but no, we certainly don't force it upon them. No.

SPEAKER_01:

It's interesting because I talk to so many people all of the time. And you just um you have presence about you that is kindness, and also very rarely seen. Um, sadly, uh, the amount of um presence you put into helping other people and helping these kids and all of these different things. I I sadly say that I don't actually see this very often. And I I don't know if there's a response for that needed, you know, it's up to you, but it's just very sad.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, um I I often tell parents that I train or I speak with or work with that they are superheroes or angels, they're doing something that so few will do, opening their homes up to people in in crisis. You know, I uh as I said, for kids who experience domestic violence in their house every day. Then you got human trafficking, which is the number one global business, and it's tremendously huge in the United States. It's only increasing, in fact, it tremendously increased over the past four years. Um but so many people ignore it. They that makes them feel uncomfortable. Child abuse, human trafficking, it makes people feel uncomfortable, so they don't want to address it. They pretend it doesn't exist, they focus on entertainment, athletes, sports stars, movie stars, whatever it might be, politics, but they don't focus on the rights of children because again, it makes them feel uncomfortable, so they don't want to address it. So, you know, I I I when you say don't, I I agree with you. Help these children, sadly. A lot of talk about it. They don't show up. And that's why in the United States there's a a uh a strong issue and recruiting foster parents right now. Agencies are are struggling to find homes for these children. That's why we read about stories about children sleeping in hotels or offices, because there's not enough homes. But child abuse and trafficking and mental health issues are all increasing, but none of people are willing to say, you know what, I'll make sacrifices to help these kids. And it is a sacrifice. You know, it's it's a lifestyle of sacrifices. We make sacrifices of our finances, of our lifestyle, of our home, our family, our health.

SPEAKER_01:

Why do you think human trafficking is exponentially increasing?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, to begin with, I can take this pair of glasses and I can sell it one time. But I can take a child and I can sell that child 10 to 12 times a day, seven days a week, 10 years and still get money for that. It's easy. Um what's increased over the past four years is because in the United States we had this open border and children uh and people flooded over here. We had 80,000 children missing. Um no accounting where they went and they come and came over the border. It was just a very uh the previous administration just had a poor policy. I'm just gonna leave it at that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, that's part of the problem. Again, it's uh it's something that people don't want to address, so it just continues. Yeah, um, because it makes people feel uncomfortable, they don't talk about it, so there's not much advocacy for it, if you will.

SPEAKER_01:

To do that to a child, uh to do that to anybody, but specifically a child.

SPEAKER_02:

I just think it's increasing. Um this right here is is terrible. On many levels. Yeah, yeah. Um it desensitizes people, they become desensitized to to humanity, to caring for others, you will. Um, that's part of it. You know, the the drug lords have switch over drugs to now child sex trafficking because as I mentioned, you can sell a drug one time, but a child over and over and over again. And so many people don't want to believe it's happening in their community or in their neighborhood or in their family. So it just continues.

SPEAKER_01:

Have you learned from the the children that you have that have been trafficked? Is there like um a common theme upon how they came to that situation?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, there could be a couple different. It could be, as I mentioned, the border. That's what happened a lot in the United States, the open border.

SPEAKER_01:

Um talk to me real quick about this open border. Like, how does the open border is this that they are being trafficked from other countries, but because or they're trying to come here and the people are picking them up? Like, what is this?

SPEAKER_02:

Both, both, both. So during the administration, we had this policy where anybody can come over.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And and that was rife for traffickers. Rife. Tens of thousands of children, hundreds of thousands of children were brought over here. And then when they came over here, um, there was not much of a um there are there are reports and of people showing up at the at the um the border and and just taking many, many children, piling them into vans.

SPEAKER_01:

Where are their parents? Oh, are they just sending them and they're like not coming along with them?

SPEAKER_02:

Like that that that could be part of it. That could be part of it. Sure, sure. The Kyoto.

SPEAKER_01:

Are they using the to pay for passage? Like, I mean, that's one thing that comes to mind.

SPEAKER_02:

That's part of it as well. And then you may have children like I I have I've had kids in my own been sold by their parents here in the United States, or United States citizens selling their parent their children money. Um, or could as well, because sometimes the parents were so heavily abused they didn't know how to parent their own child. I'm sorry, they never got parenting, so they don't know how to parent their own child. But yeah, I've had kids in my home who come to my home who have been sold by their own parents for for money.

SPEAKER_01:

How do you help them? I mean, you know, you bring compassion, you bring love, but I mean, really, like the betrayal of that.

SPEAKER_02:

So that you can see why they have tremendous issues of trust and attachment. Why should I trust? Why should they trust me when they come to my house? I am a complete stranger.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Complete stranger. So it takes a lot of patience, a lot of time. You've got to be consistent in showing the child that I'm not gonna hurt you. You know, we have to give that child the time to learn how to trust me and my wife.

SPEAKER_01:

And you're a male, right? So just me being a female who has had experiences in the past, I really wouldn't trust you just to start. I'm gonna be honest with you, right?

SPEAKER_02:

To be sure, to be sure. 100%. So, you know, to model that kindness, that patience, that love, that compassion. Um, and for me, a lot of prayer put into it. Uh, and and just pray that we're may we're planting some seeds into the child up into something better.

SPEAKER_01:

How do you think you I know you had the your child, your uh first die after 92 hours of labor labor, but how does one get from that to this? Like I know that you had like, you know, you had other children and that you had to go through grief and that you felt like you wanted to help children, and that's why you were a teacher, but that's a very big leap from being a teacher to fostering children who have been trafficked and and abused and neglected and all of these other things. It's a whole different world, right? Like teacher, you send them home. And I know you saw it too, so I understand that, but it's just still such a big leap. Is it something that you felt like your faith drew you to?

SPEAKER_02:

You know, I probably was. When we moved back to the United States, and I woke one morning and told my wife, I I was so, I was so angry I wouldn't allow my next child to be baptized in a church. So I was so angry at God. Um, but my wife was very, very patient with me. She wasn't gonna force it upon me. She knew that you know, something I had to work through myself. And so I won't move a couple years later, moved back to the US and I woke up one Sunday morning and said, you know what, I don't want to go to church, but I think our kids need to be in church. And that kind of led that kind of started that started the uh journey of of going by then a few years after I woke up one night screaming, and my wife will tell me I screamed for at least 10 minutes straight. I could not tell you what it wasn't even a nightmare. But for the next five days, I felt enveloped in a cocoon of fear, an absolute. I couldn't, I could not explain to you what I was afraid of, but I remember going to work, driving afraid, looking around the corner afraid, coming home afraid. I couldn't tell you I was afraid of. And I mentioned it to the minister I was church I was going to, and he said, you know what? You might be on this pivotal stage here where you're gonna either go here with your faith or wrong, and Satan's trying to drag you back in. And I think there might be some truth to that because at that time I made some significant life changes, and that's when you start becoming a foster parent. But again, I never ever planned on doing this, and as I say, it's the hardest thing I've done. So I really there are days like God, I I can't do this by myself.

SPEAKER_01:

There's a lot of stories about um foster parents wanting to foster simply for the money, and they're abusive. There are stories sometimes even more abusive than the actual parents were, right? Right. I know that there's stories. How often do you think that that is true?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, there is truth to them. You know, there are bad teachers, bad police officers, bad attorneys, bad judges, bad doctors, and there are bad foster parents. There's a bad apple in every single barrel. I met some people who I thought you should not be foster parents. Not everybody should be a foster parent, not everybody can be a foster parent. Everybody can help in some way, um, but I again I would suggest to you that the vast majority of parents are in it because they want to help a child. Because their heart is, you know, saying, How can what can I do? How can I help?

SPEAKER_01:

And you foster parents?

SPEAKER_02:

I do.

SPEAKER_01:

So you you were saying previously that there's not as many parents as there is then for children to go, right? What is the cure for that?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, there's a couple things. But to begin with, uh, today's agencies are the today's caseworkers are overworked, overwhelmed, under-resourced, under supported, understaffed, underpaid. And the the uh job career length of a caseworker today isn't very long because they're so overwhelmed with so much to do, and there's not enough support services or pay for them. So many say, you know what, I'm finding a different career. As a result, foster parents aren't getting the help that they need. They're not getting the help that they need. We need to we need to lower the foster parent caseworker ratio. So case foster so caseworkers have less responsibilities in their caseload to spend more time with their foster parents. That's why we lost so many foster parents in 2020, because the foster parents are stuck at home with these children whose levels are under the roof, and there was no case worker to go to the house to help out because of social distancing or whatever you might be. Um, we need to do that. Foster parents also should have, I believe, ongoing professional counseling or therapy sessions.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, when you have a child in the home, uh they should have professional therapy and counseling. I don't, I don't, I get per diem per day, and it's it's something, but it's not much. But uh, you know, my wife and I will gladly open up our wallet to make Christmases and birthdays spectacular for these children because it could be the first time they've ever had Christmas or birthday. You know, we're sending to camps or band football, basketball, dance lessons, whatever it might be, because these are members of our family. So we want to give them every possible opportunity that they can get. So that there is a per DM helps, but through throwing money false parents is not the is not the answer or the solution.

SPEAKER_01:

No, because then you're just gonna get more people in it for the money, right?

SPEAKER_02:

Correct.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So lowering the caseload per um uh caseworker, right? I guess a social worker caseworker, um, which would then cost more money, right? They're gonna have to throw money at that so that they can hire them. Um, in an environment where it seems like um there's always a reason why we don't have the money, I guess is the best way to say it, although there's obviously money there that's being spent on other things. Um outside of that, which I think obviously would make a big difference, because also caseworkers don't get to necessarily know when these kids are in bad situations if they have too much on their plate, right? So they can't even get the kids out of there if it is an abusive environment because they can't keep up with everything. Um so that what would be the reason why people are not fostering? So that's the foster care system. What why are people not fostering?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, they hear those mis hear those stories about the kids or bad kids. Or they think, I need to be rich. Or they think, well, this is what I hear a lot. Dr. John, I couldn't do what you do. It would hurt too much to get the kids back. And I was my response is, well, that's exactly how it's supposed to be. These children need stability, they need structure, but more than anything else, they need unconditional love. They need their foster parents to love them so much with their heart that when they leave the house for whatever reason it might be, sure, our hearts break. But that's a gift we're giving that child because we could be the first person who's ever loved that child in a healthy fashion. You know, I I often tell foster parents that, you know, years from, you know what, it would hurt I can't do it because it hurt too much. Well, it does. That's part of the sacrifice that we make to help these children who need someone to love them so much. And again, there's those misconceptions that the kids are bad kids. Well, these are children who are victims of neglect, abuse, abandonment, and they just want to be loved.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And again, they're acting out because that is one, a lot of ways that they got attention previously, right? Um, and two, like there's just, I mean, I can't even if you go through that, obviously you're gonna show up in a in a way that's um protective of yourself, right?

SPEAKER_02:

So many kids come to my house and foster care in general, they're it's generational. Their parents were abused, their parents were neglected, their parents were in foster care.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think like you mentioned before, people are, and I hate to say this, but I kind of feel like people are just lazy. It's an inconvenience.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Well, I I would agree.

SPEAKER_01:

So the work that you do is teach foster parents. What else do you do? How do you show up in the world? Somebody else show up in the world in a way that makes an impact.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, some of the some of the other things I do is agencies, child welfare programs help develop policy procedure, help train staff. But I also work with legislators across the country to reform the system, to bring awareness, these issues. So many, so many of our legislators, this is not on their radar.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_02:

Somebody wants to help. Well, the first way is start bringing awareness to those that you know to become an advocate. Um, you can become an advocate of these kids. You you can help the foster care agency by providing hygiene items because when they come to my house, they just have to close in their back many times, if that. Um, you can provide school supplies, you can be a mentor for the kids, you can be a tutor, you can you can help foster parents in your area by providing meals, maybe pizza night. If you own a business, you could provide some. Counts for Fosh parents, or maybe maybe hire some of the teens in foster care and to teach them some work skills. Those are just a few of the many, many ways that people can help.

SPEAKER_01:

And would somebody then reach out specifically to the uh social services and say, I want to offer because the here's the other thing that I have found. So I have tried many a times to volunteer for things, and there's so much red tape involved that it makes you just go, forget it. Like I'm trying to like volunteer.

SPEAKER_02:

I would go directly. So what I often tell people is go online and search your county online for a foster parent association or foster parent support group. And you avoid the red tape and go directly to the foster parents themselves in your area that have their own association, say, Hey, how can I help? And most likely they're going to say, Thank you. Where have you been? Come on, I got a million ways you can help me.

SPEAKER_01:

What about somebody who like uh maybe they have like a service as far as like they do nails, they do hair, they you know have fitness classes, they can do kids' yoga, whatever the case may be, those things of value.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, absolutely. You can provide those at a discount or even for free. And they give that child an opportunity for normalcy because you know, other kids are doing that, but they don't have the opportunity. So if yeah, if they can go to a gym or provide nails, you know, that's golden for a child who feels that they are so when a child comes into foster care, if they don't have the clothes in their back, sometimes they come with their belongings in a black plastic bag. Well, to them, that represents that they're garbage. So if we can show this child that, you know what, you are worthy, let's give you these nails, let's give you a a a really nice pair of clothing, suit of clothes, prom dress, or whatever it may be. That's telling the child you're a value. I value you.

SPEAKER_01:

Something that most people don't tell them.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh my goodness, yes, yes, yes. Uh we had a child come to our house. Only word, only word she knew was shut up. Only two knew was shut up. What type of environment was she in if that's all she heard?

SPEAKER_01:

It's devastating. I don't know how you, I mean, I know you were just talking, people say like all the time, I don't know how you do it, but I really don't know how you do it because like it would just be heartbreaking every day. I mean, I know that you get good out of it too. One has to offset the other, otherwise you couldn't continue to do it. But I I think it would show you the um worst of the worst of human beings sometimes.

SPEAKER_02:

It does. It does. So that's why self-care is critical. I I have some avenues of self-care for me out of the garden. I love music. I love to travel. Australia, we travel the globe. For me, it's getting away, it's an escape.

SPEAKER_01:

All right, do you have help? Like, do you have house cleaners and people who help cook? None of that. You guys do it all on your own?

SPEAKER_02:

All on our own.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you sleep? What is that? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, I often help when I die.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Thank you for your work.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, it's it's, you know, as I said, I feel called to do it. But it's it's uh I I wouldn't do anything different. Three warning done. Every child's made me a better parent, a better father figure, a better husband, a better member of my community in some way. Um but sure, it's it's it's tough. But there's a child out there right now, very, very minute, at this very, very minute, probably a mile from where I live, saying, Somebody please help me. Somebody please help me. And I often think, well, if not me, then who?

SPEAKER_01:

Is there a lot of red tape to becoming a foster parent?

SPEAKER_02:

There can be and there should be.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Can be and there should be. Um, because as I said, not everybody should be a foster parent. Right. You know, no, there are some people who are just should not be, not be caring for children. So I want that there because I want to make sure that we I want to ensure that a child is played placed in a home where that child's gonna be safe.

SPEAKER_01:

And and and truly supported and loved too, because safety is important, but it's not everything they need.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. As I said, stability, safety, and unconditional love.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Every child deserves to be loved. And as sadly, so many are not.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. There's so many that are not that are don't even go into the foster care system. They just in the life that they have because they're not, it's not bad enough to put them in foster care, right?

SPEAKER_02:

And I think that we just turn the TV on and we can see the results.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. What is so I always try to leave a some sort of wisdom for people to walk away with in the stories that we talk about. What is something that you can give people?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I'll repeat what I said. You know, there is a child within a mile of of your listeners who is saying or maybe even praying, help me. And that could be you, that could be your listeners. And again, you don't have to bring them into your home to help. You can help if you in so many ways I described earlier. You can help by working with your legislators, you can work with awareness. But these aren't goods and services, these are children. These are children, and if we don't help these children, then who will?

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And then that is these children are our future. So if we don't, what does our future look like?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, there's some suggest it looks pretty grim.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I I'm one of those, sadly, because you see a lot. No, but you have people in the world who help too. But yeah, there's a there's a lot.

SPEAKER_02:

That's why we have this mental health crisis.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

That is a crisis. It's not, you know, it's the real pandemic.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, I I am I remember in 2020 when I was interviewed in in April and they said, well, what's it going to be like when you shut these schools down? I said, I'm far more concerned about the mental health issues and I'm at any virus, and we're seeing the results.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that was a big um discussion in our house too, because we were on the same page. Where, if somebody was like interested in what you do and they want to learn more, is there a place for them to find you?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, thanks for asking. Absolutely. Go online and search for foster care expert. You're gonna, I'm probably gonna pop up or the foster care institute, the foster care institute, or just search for Dr. John DeGarmo. My website will come up and it's just not foster care adoption or it's just parenting in general. Parenting in general.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, because there are out there who would probably want some tools and they, you know, don't necessarily know where to find them. So the fact that you, I would imagine, have tools for people to help them with their parenting skills and how to deal with things and all that stuff.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, that's correct.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, thank you. We appreciate you.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, thank you. I I appreciate the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01:

Definitely. Thank you for our eyes a little bit more for those that don't really get to or don't make the effort to see what's really going on.

SPEAKER_02:

My pleasure. My pleasure. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01:

If this story spoke to you, let's keep the healing going. Visit Barbiemoreno.com for my online course, Awakening Your Worth in Healing Energy Sessions, one on one coaching, and your free healing guide. Your next step is waiting.

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Barbie Moreno

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