Let's Get Curious with Replenishing Soul

Episode 2: Finding Peace in Intense Moments-A Mother's Tale of Love, Music, and Connection

• Lori & Dorothy • Episode 2

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In this episode, Dorothy opens up and shares  her experience on how she was able to stay regulated during her sons time of intense dysregulation.  She explains the tool she used that helped her to reclaim her sense of calm which ended up creating a beautiful moment between her and her son.  

Whether you have children or not we encourage you to listen to this story as it provides insight into so much more than just a mother and child moment.  It is a tool we all can use as human beings  to remain stable and un-triggered so that we are able to hold space for others during their unstable moments.

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Disclaimer:
The information shared on this podcast is for informational purposes only and is based on the opinions and experience of Lori Dorothy and their guests. The content should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice. Diagnosis or a treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you heard on this podcast         

Welcome to let's get curious. The podcast for women and mothers seeking connection, support, and inspiration. We are friends, mothers, and therapists. Laurie, a physical therapist and Dorothy, a speech and language therapist. Together. We share our personal stories, including IVF birth experiences and navigating children's learning difficulties. Through our discussions, we uncover profound lessons for personal growth. Join us on this journey of curiosity, compassion and empowerment. Welcome to let's. Get curious. In this podcast, Dorothy discusses staying composed during her son's intense moment. Of dysregulation. She reveals how the situation transformed into a moment of love and compassion.

Lori:

All right. So you called me the other day with this amazing experience that you had with your son. And we said that we needed to go in and, of course, and. Record this for everybody to hear. So I need you to take me back to when you just called me.

Dorothy:

Okay, cool. So,

Lori:

of days ago. So yeah, you ring my phone, I

Dorothy:

hmm.

Lori:

and. Go.

Dorothy:

Yeah. So, well, I think I should provide just a bit of a backstory. So my child is a, highly sensitive kid. So he's got a lot of big emotions that he doesn't know quite what to do with, which turns into rage or just frustration, yelling, you know, screaming, sometimes throwing things. And, he needs to get it out and he's learning how to do that so my initial reaction to that is to number one, yell back like, stop yelling at me, right? Because he puts me into, he's stressed out and he's putting me into, uh, into like fight or flight, distressing my nervous system where I want to either yell right back at him, stop doing it, stop doing it, you know, make it go away, please. Um, or I want to just walk away from him because there's only so much that your nervous system can take before, you know, it's just too much as a parent. And from talking to experts and having, um, reading books and all sorts of things, I've learned that the best way To regulate a child is co regulation. So... Can't yell back, can't walk away, gotta sit there with him and stay

Lori:

easier said than done.

Dorothy:

Oh my god, yes, it's so hard, you know, because you have this kid that is freaking out. And like, you and I are both empaths too, so we feel stuff deeply. So when, he's yelling at me and he's throwing all this energy at me, it's so hard to stay grounded and present and not react. Um, and, you know, I've also learned that with co regulation, the more you do it, the more he's going to learn how to do it for himself. So if I model it and he uses me to help him co regulate, over time, he will be able to do it by himself. But even that as a motivator makes it really hard to do. So, the other day, he was really, really mad. He, had a playdate that he was looking forward to all week. When I dropped him off at school, he was talking about the playdate. And then, uh, lo and behold, the mom from the play date was feeling sick and she had to cancel and reschedule it for the next day, but still, this is not, not expected for, for my child and my child highly, benefits from predictability. so I knew this was going to be tough for him. So I pick him up from school. I wait till we get home to tell him that his friend isn't coming over because I knew this coming. And, so I tell him, you know, mom's sick. Oh my gosh, you ruined my day. And he just completely loses it. And he's screaming. And at some points he's throwing Legos at me and I hate you and blah, blah, blah. And it just, you know, just completely loses

Lori:

fired up, right? Gets

Dorothy:

it. Mm.

Lori:

I mean, you could only hold it together for so long.

Dorothy:

Right. And you know, and I've got, I have to say that through my own work on myself, through trauma work, and like all sorts of other stuff that we'll probably talk about in other podcasts. Um, but let me just say, like, the more work I've done on myself, the more I can hold space for him. Because you and I talk about that all the time, right? You can only give as much as you have, and if your cup's empty, what do you have to give to other people? So, I could tolerate it for, um, and tolerate the right word. You know, I wasn't happy there, but I could tolerate it for maybe like three, four minutes. And no matter what I did, what I said, you know, I, I couldn't say he's coming tomorrow, or, you know, whatever. Because he's in that, emotional brain where he can't hear what I'm saying. He's just feeling stuff. So there's nothing I can do, but I just have to sit there and just let him go through it.

Lori:

Yeah, and even at that age they don't have full frontal lobe, which is our reasoning, and that's already lacking in 25.

Dorothy:

Right. Right.

Lori:

you're dealing with that on top of the other sensitivities that he has.

Dorothy:

Yeah. Good point. Oh, and he's, I don't think I've mentioned he's six turning seven in a couple of weeks. So,

Lori:

no regulation.

Dorothy:

So you can't reason with him that the friend isn't coming, you know, please understand your friend's coming tomorrow. Right. That's what is your point, right? Like he's just feeling his feelings. So. Little by little as he's screaming at me and I'm realizing this isn't gonna get any better any time soon, I feel myself, getting more agitated and things are starting to bubble, you know? It's like when you turn the kettle on or, you know, right? And it's like, little by little, things are getting more, more intense, more intense, and if I don't do something, I'm gonna lose my shit, which is just gonna make this worse for him and make this go away. even longer. So finally, I said this out loud. I said, I need to walk away. I don't want to start yelling. And I'm saying this to him. I don't want to start yelling at you, but I'm starting to feel really frustrated. And I, I just, I need a minute. I need a minute. I don't want to yell at you. I don't want to yell at you because I've learned that if I'm saying those words, I'm still in my prefrontal cortex. Like the emotions aren't taking over cause I'm talking. Right. So I'm trying to stay in that moment and not lose it. And I grabbed my AirPods. And this was just like instinctual grab my AirPods. I go straight to Spotify and, I opened to my history and because that was the first thing that was there and the song Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright, was in my history from the day before, which for, some reason the day before, I just decided to, um, well, not for some reason, you and I know why this, This isn't a coincidence,

Lori:

No,

Dorothy:

but the day before I was just like, Oh, I wonder what other versions of, Hallelujah are out there and which one do I like the best? So I spent like an hour just listening to all the different versions of Hallelujah. So there it was. I know. Right. So there it was right there in front of me. The gift, right? This is what's gonna help you, so I click on the song, and then if you haven't heard the song, you need to hear the song, to fully appreciate the story, because it is so powerful. His version is very rhythmical, which is already soothing. Like the way he sings it. It's not like la la la. It's I don't know. I don't, I'm not a musician. I don't know the words, but there's a rhythm to it, almost like a heartbeat. So that is already regulating and it's powerful. And the song builds and it gets stronger and stronger and stronger as it goes on. And that song, for me, music always Regulates me and it's such a powerful tool to help me process things, feel things. You know, I've got my, my songs that I go to when I'm feeling sad and need to process and when I'm feeling, my happy music, whatever. So, this is a really powerful song for me. So I start playing the song and I play it loud, which completely drowned out my. Screaming child. So, I'm not joking when I say in a split second, I went from screaming kid, right? And like completely dysregulated, uh, myself dysregulated and feeling like really jittery to just peace. And then the song's on. It's loud and all I see is this child just having a really scary, hard experience and all that judgment, all that, like, make it go away, make it go away, all of that just completely disappeared. Um, and this song, it just, it opens up my heart so much that it allowed me to open up my heart and hold space for him. While he was struggling and I just sat there in complete wonder and I'm just watching him and he's screaming and he's screaming and he's mad and I don't know what he's saying, but I know that like I'm projecting compassion because that's all I'm feeling. I don't know what he's saying. So, you know, like I'm completely connected to my emotions, um, and love. So, His screaming went on for maybe about a minute. And again, the song is building, and it's building, so it's getting more powerful. So my love and my heart is open. The love pouring out of me is, I'm sure, stronger. And my heart is opening more. And then after about a minute, he just walks, and I'm not doing nothing, I'm just looking at him and just giving him a look of compassion. Um, after about a minute, he goes into the kitchen, and he sits down on the kitchen floor, and I sit next to him. And again, the song is building, and he's singing, and it's powerful in my ears. And... My child does not want me near him when he's, when he's mad. Like, he doesn't want hugs, he doesn't want affection, he doesn't want to be talked to. He just needs to have his process, and that's it. But, he sat on the floor, and I sat down next to him. And then I just grabbed his face, and I just started kissing it. I started kissing, his temples and his forehead, and slowly, just, more love. And then, and he's loving me. And then I grab his face, his cheeks in my hands, and I look deep in his eyes, and he just looked at me with this, understanding, look of, like, I know you see me and I know you get it.

Lori:

Mm.

Dorothy:

And I'm like, curious. I'm like, Oh my God, I'm curious. I'm saying this because, um, I've never had that type of connection with him. And I realized that's what he needs. So, I give him a little kiss on his nose, the song is still playing, this song is four minutes long. We didn't get to the end of the song, we were done before the end of the song. So I, I kiss his nose, and then I just gently grab him, by his head, and I bring him to my chest, and he just like melts into me, and the song He's just letting me hold him. And he just stayed there for probably about another minute. Which again, my child was not, not this typically in, in these interactions. And then he pulled back and he goes, Okay, mommy, so now what are we going to do?

Lori:

Mm. Aw.

Dorothy:

And we were done and the song was still playing. So all of that, what, the song is four minutes. Um, all of that was probably three minutes.

Lori:

Mm hmm.

Dorothy:

And you know, and we talk about this all the time. Somebody can tell you something over and over and over again, but you have to experience it to fully get it and grasp it. And I knew that I had to connect with him and I knew all these things. Like you have to stay present. You have to stay grounded. You have to share your calm, but I didn't fully understand the impact. of how powerful that is until this moment.

Lori:

Mm hmm.

Dorothy:

And I'm still, like, buzzy from it. Like, I, I feel changed from it. Because I feel like I accessed a part of myself that I didn't know I could tap into. Especially in... Those moments, those intense moments where your reaction is, your initial reaction, your gut reaction is to fight or to run. So, yeah, it was, it was powerful.

Lori:

Well, you know, and that's where all the work comes, right? You can't be there for your children if you cannot control yourself and your energy. And so I think that's what makes this work so hard with being a parent is we have our own personal paths. That we've experienced as children, regardless of whether your house was a crazy loving house or a house that was not filled with love. And we all come with a backstory. We all come with our own experiences. And unwinding yourself is the hardest job so that you can then move forward for these little people who, you know, don't know anything different. And I mean, that's what you did, Deedee. That's what you did is you've been taking all this work that you've been studying and trying to put to practice. And thank God, I mean, who knows why, you know, you looked over at the AirPods and put those in,

Dorothy:

yeah.

Lori:

It shows that, you know, even with the education and the practice of mindfulness, there's times that we still need a distraction, right? And that music was your distraction,

Dorothy:

Oh my

Lori:

but it wasn't a distraction to pull you away from him. It was a distraction to hold space for you so that you could be present for him and with him.

Dorothy:

Yeah, it literally took away all the... I don't know if it's chatter, it just completely took away the anxiety. It took away all those feelings. And it just filtered all of that and brought me just straight to love. Mm hmm.

Lori:

Well, and I know when I'm dealing with, anxiety issues at nighttime with one of my daughters, I mean, that's the stuff that I'm working on right now. And it's hard because I think a lot of times too, even as hard as I, or as much work as I will try to do to stay in my frontal lobe and I do my deep breathing, I think there also comes a point where we react because. It's, it's fear. We, don't know what to do with this. It's like, we've done X, Y, and Z. We've tried multiple things and you're not getting where you want to be. And that's scary, you know, and when I sit with that at times, I'm like, okay, I lost my shit last night. Why? And it's hard. And I think a lot of times it's that moment of not realizing, but I am in fear mode because I don't know what to do with it.

Dorothy:

And is there, oh go ahead.

Lori:

And what I was just gonna say, when I don't know what to do with it, that is what pulls up that fight or flight for me, where it's just like, withdraw, withdraw, abort, abort, plane going down, abort. Like, you go handle you, and I'll go handle me, you know? Or you go to that point of totally losing your shit. But for me, I never realized that it was, A fear issue, the fear of not knowing what to do with it

Dorothy:

Yeah.

Lori:

moment, when you feel like you've done, you know, ABC and D and you checked all the boxes and you're still not getting anywhere. And so I think that's what puts me a lot of times into my fight or flight and being tired, it always happens, you know, at nighttime when I'm already low on energy to be able to give and hold space. And so it's like, you're running on empty. Here it is happening again, here it is, I don't know what to do in this moment, which for me, I've learned is just, it's the fear. And then it goes into that fight or flight. That you were able to look at those ear pods and pop them in and use something external to keep you in that prefrontal cortex space,

Dorothy:

and

Lori:

am going to try that.

Dorothy:

please do. I know for me, besides fear, there's also guilt and shame in those moments to work. Right for me. It's more of those. It's the god. I'm a shitty parent I can't even console my kid I've tried all the things right? It's almost like you have this checklist in your head It's like, okay I've tried destruction and I've tried to hug him and I've asked him to take deep breaths and I'm I'm you know if you try all these things and it's still not working and you're like Yeah, I suck right now, you know, and right, like, and it could even be like this subconscious thing, like, wow, I, I can't, why can't I comfort my child, you know?

Lori:

hmm. Mm

Dorothy:

So, yeah, I'm hoping with Over time, this is my, my experiment with myself, but I'm hoping that over time I won't need the AirPods anymore. I'm hoping that if I do it enough times and I, I get used to that and establish that neural pathway, right? That eventually I can just get rid of the music and maybe just think about the song. Right? Like, and, uh, I don't know. We'll see.

Lori:

Well, and that's the scientific research, right, behind all of this is building those neural connections. Mhm.

Dorothy:

Exactly. Physiologically?

Lori:

Yeah. So that's the piece and it's endless work. That's for sure. Well, and you know, even with your comment before of how you listen to music and music is your go to for whether you're happy or sad or just needing to just take a moment and with anything, and I say this a lot on even just posts that I do on Instagram, there is that when we move our bodies, we physi physiologi I can't say that word right

Dorothy:

Physiologically. Hmm.

Lori:

Thank you.

Dorothy:

Hmm.

Lori:

Yes, change our energy within our bodies. And so when we start to move our bodies, change our energy, everything else changes. Our mood, our thinking, and so on and so forth. So it's not a surprise that, you go to music to

Dorothy:

Hmm.

Lori:

your medicine.

Dorothy:

Yeah, it's powerful stuff.

Lori:

Mm hmm. It is. Well, I was so happy that you shared that story with me, and I am definitely going to put that to practice.

Dorothy:

I can't wait to hear.

Lori:

I need to have, AirPods, on me, you know. Soon as the kids come home from school, where are the AirPods? I'm one in every room, I know. Put them in my yoga pockets. Yes.

Dorothy:

That's where mine lives. In

Lori:

Well, that's what I need to do. I need to just have them easily accessible because yeah, I mean, and with your point of, you know, both you and I being empaths, I mean, that's another trigger for me. It's like I start to feel their energy bubbling, which then bubbles me because I'm feeling their energy. And then on top of that, whatever is the frustrating. Thing that's happening in that moment to you on top of that. So I'm

Dorothy:

Mm hmm.

Lori:

plus my own and I'm very quick to just go to wanting to yell or walk away and So, yeah, it's AirPods and hallelujah, here I come.

Dorothy:

Exactly. And one other thing that I want to say before we wrap it up is that, when your child is in the middle of a meltdown, right? As I was saying before my initial reaction. Was to stay in my prefrontal cortex, which is like your logical thinking brain, right? So I'm saying to him, I don't want to yell. I don't want to yell. I don't want to yell, right? But if I'm in my prefrontal cortex that I'm not connecting I'm not giving him the love from my emotional Center.

Lori:

Mm

Dorothy:

isn't that interesting? So I think that's what really,

Lori:

Say that again. Say that again, because it just clicked in my brain, which is then starting to have me have an emotional connection to that. So, say that one more time for everybody, because that's strong and powerful.

Dorothy:

So you're taught not to react, right? What I was taught is that you want to co regulate. You don't want to panic. You don't want to yell. You don't want to walk away. You just have to sit and be with your child. And for me to be able to sit and hold space for him. I try very hard not to get emotional, which means I try to stay in my, my prefrontal cortex, my thinking brain. Okay. So I would do anything to distract myself from my emotions. I would, you know, I would sometimes count to 10 count backwards from 10. I was in this example, I was saying, I don't want to yell. I don't want to yell. I don't want to yell. So, I'm not connecting with him in that moment because I'm not in my feeling, I'm disconnecting from my feelings so I don't blow up. I'm saying, I don't want to yell, I don't want to yell, gosh, don't, don't let me connect to my emotional center because if I do, I'm going to yell at you. But you need to be connected to your emotional center to be able to connect with your child and give him that love.

Lori:

Mm hmm. Makes total sense.

Dorothy:

So that's why the music was so powerful because the music turned off my thinking brain that was processing the screaming. And it purely connected me to my emotions because the song is so powerful to me that it just opened my heart and loved. It was just pouring out of me, the music was going through me and out of me, and I wish I could have recorded, maybe one day I could like somehow record this, but like, you could see it in him. That he felt it

Lori:

Mm hmm.

Dorothy:

Your children feed off of you and feed off of your energy and you know They can sense if you and your husband or partner are in a fight and even if You're not fighting in front of them. They can feel the tension. They can feel the, the energy. And that has never been more clear to me than right now through this experience.

Lori:

Yeah. Well, and that was the thing. You didn't do anything to help him co regulate himself other than hold that space.

Dorothy:

Yes.

Lori:

That

Dorothy:

I just

Lori:

words. Yeah. It wasn't words. It wasn't trying to reason. It wasn't, if you stop crying, I will give you an extra cookie. Right. And bribery,

Dorothy:

We've all

Lori:

we've all been there before it was, you got yourself held in a space. You then held that space for your child and everything else just happened naturally. And he totally co regulated himself.

Dorothy:

Yes.

Lori:

And yes, the hugs and everything that came from mommy definitely helped, but that's the love that you're talking about.

Dorothy:

I mean, at first, he was probably 10 feet away from me, and I was just looking at him. I mean, whatever was on my face, I'm sure, had a much softer, understanding, compassionate demeanor, because, again, I'm feeling, the song. I'm feeling the

Lori:

Mm hmm.

Dorothy:

power in the song. And then I'm looking at him like this little beautiful person that's just suffering. And I just saw him as that and not this. Oh my God, please stop. You know, you're driving me nuts. Make this go away. This isn't so bad. I don't understand why, you know, moving the play date tomorrow is such a big deal. Blah, blah, blah, which is where your brain. Wants to go. It was just, I see you, I see you struggling. I love you. I am here for you. It's going to be okay. Like, that's what I was feeling when I was looking at

Lori:

Mm hmm. No

Dorothy:

and it was, it was a, oh no, it was, it was more like, I'm going to be here for you and you're going to be okay. No. Yeah, it was amazing.

Lori:

Aww. I love it, Dee Dee. I love it.

Dorothy:

Mm

Lori:

I know, always in those moments, it's lessons for you and I, too, that come through.

Dorothy:

Absolutely.

Lori:

Aww. And how has everything, been since then? I know you feel changed. Are you feeling or seeing anything slightly different with

Dorothy:

You know, yes and no. So, well, I mean, again, one magical moment doesn't mean I'm perfect, so, yeah. Right. Yeah, it's not all magic now, but, he's been having, he struggles with sleep apnea and he's so congested right now. And so the last few nights have just, the sleep has been horrible. There was one night where I didn't sleep at all. He woke up so many times that I could not fall back asleep because he was up again. So of course, this goes back to what you were saying. My cup has been empty the past couple of days. Which makes it harder for me to

Lori:

yeah,

Dorothy:

To be, to hold space for him. Yeah, so it's been okay, since that experience, I do feel like there's been a shift in me and, what I'm still sort of trying to process is, I'm now in this space where I'm feeling more open with people, like I'm feeling I'm able to be more vulnerable, and just be more transparent with people. But I have to be careful as to who I choose to be transparent with because I am more vulnerable. So therefore I feel more. Does that make sense? It's like my heart is open, but having an open heart means that you can get hurt easier. Does that make sense?

Lori:

yeah, it does, uh huh.

Dorothy:

Um, but that doesn't mean that's bad. That just means that I am. in a different space in my body that I don't recognize because, you know, I've been working on a lot of heart opening stuff for decades, you know, like this has been my gosh, like this has been my thing. Right. And maybe this is a different podcast actually, but yeah, I love the space that I've been, I feel calmer. I feel more joyful. I feel. feel like I'm more, patient with people and just give more grace all, all around. I find myself connecting more with people. So I'm walking into Panera and I I find myself joking around with the person that held the door open for me you know, I just, feel like I'm dancing on rainbows.

Lori:

of love, Deedee. You're full of love to give to the world. I love it.

Dorothy:

Yeah.

Lori:

it. Well, yes, so let's all start grabbing our AirPods and keeping them a lot closer to us and find that song that just opens your heart and just hold that space. And even if it can't be for anybody else right now, it has to be for you first. Right?

Dorothy:

Yeah. Oh my

Lori:

find that song that opened your heart and you know, it sounds so very cliche and whatnot, but I mean, if anybody reads or studies or listens to Brene Brown's work, I mean, this is everything that she's about is vulnerability and love and being in that space and just holding that space. And so even though it does sound very cliche that, you know, love is all we need. It's still so very true, which you witnessed in that moment. You know, with your son.

Dorothy:

So well

Lori:

Yes. So grab those AirPods everybody, find that favorite song and open up those hearts. Yes. And we will see you next time.

The information shared on this podcast is for informational purposes only and is based on the opinions and experience of Lori Dorothy and their guests. The content should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice. Diagnosis or a treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you heard on this podcast