Episode #18: Chaos to Calm: Finding Nervous System Balance at Home

In this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Addeo—occupational therapist, nervous system coach, and founder of the Nervous System Mastery Institute. With over 17 years of experience in pediatrics and sensory regulation, Jessica shares her personal and professional journey of realizing just how much her own nervous system was impacting her roles as a mother, wife, and therapist. That realization sparked a passion for making nervous system care practical, sustainable, and deeply supportive for others.

Jessica recounts a powerful moment from early motherhood when a short “weighted walk”—a common OT strategy—shifted her entire emotional state. It opened her eyes to how much regulation work she was already doing for children as a therapist, but not yet applying to herself. From that point forward, she began exploring how these same tools could transform not only her own life but the lives of other caregivers, parents, and professionals.

Together, we explore what it truly means to support the nervous system, what occupational therapy actually looks like in daily life, and how roles like parenting, partnering, and being a professional are all shaped by our internal regulation—or lack of it. Jessica breaks down important concepts like co-regulation, dysregulation, and why nervous system care starts with the adult in the room.
 
 This conversation is packed with insight and validation for anyone navigating life with neurodivergent children, feeling overstimulated, or trying to show up fully in multiple roles. If you’ve ever felt like you’re pouring from an empty cup, this episode will leave you feeling seen, supported, and equipped with tools to shift from survival mode to regulation.

Show Notes:

Jessica Addeo Website:  

Nervous System Mastery Class:  
A 4-Month Training to Help You Master Nervous System Science & Lead a Centered, Regulated, and Resilient Life

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Disclaimer:
The information shared on this podcast is for informational purposes only and is based on the opinions and experience of Lori Dorothy and their guests. The content should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or a treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you heard on this podcast.

Transcript

0:00

///Welcome to let's get curious. The podcast for women and mothers seeking connection, support, and inspiration. We are friends, mothers, and therapists. Laurie, a physical therapist and Dorothy, a speech and language therapist. Together. We share our personal stories, including IVF birth experiences and navigating children's learning difficulties. Through our discussions, we uncover profound lessons for personal growth. Join us on this journey of curiosity, compassion and empowerment. Welcome to let's. Get curious

Lori: 0:38

Hello everyone. Dede and I are back again today and we have a very special guest with us. We are excited to have Jessica Adio on. She is an occupational therapist and nervous system coach with over 17 years of experience in pediatrics and sensory regulation. After realizing how deeply her own nervous system impacted her daily life as a mother. Therapist and wife, she became passionate about helping others understand and work with their nervous system in a practical, sustainable way. Through her workshops, coaching and educational resources, Jessica teaches individuals how to shift from survival mode into regulation so they can live with more ease, energy, and enjoyment. She's the founder of the Nervous System Mastery Institute. And is dedicated to making nervous system care accessible, shame-free and deeply supportive. Jessica, welcome. We are very excited to have you on. This is everything Deedee and I talk about, our learning ourselves along the way with our own neurodivergent, children. And so we are so excited that you reached out to us. And get to bring your expertise to us and to our listeners. So having said that, I am just gonna hand off to you and just if you can give us a little bit more of how you got into this work, why, and kind of the nuts and bolts. Um, we would love for you to share that with us.

Jessica: 2:17

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. And yes, my background is a pediatric occupational therapist, and so I've worked in lots of settings, whether it was school setting, private practice, early intervention, and always focusing on the sensory systems of other people's children and loving it, but also experiencing definitely frustration around like different systemic. Things that happen as you work in all of those different environments. And when I became a mom, I thought that I would use this skillset just to support my kids. You know, I was going to make sure that they had everything they needed to develop their motor skills, that they had access to, plenty of sensory input. And it's kind of funny to me in retrospect, how I never even considered my own nervous system or my own sensory system. We've all heard the, you know, like. Put your own mask on first or you can't pour from an empty bucket. And I was sort of like, yes, yes, yes, I value that, but that's something I do separate from my life as a therapist. I. And then I always tell this story and I feel like my poor husband gets thrown under the bus quite a bit. He's lovely, right? But we co-regulate and we co-regulate with our partners as well. And so it was when my older two were alive, the baby was not yet born and I had been working in a school, um, which means I worked that whole week. And the reason why that fact's an important part of the story, my nervous system was depleted from all of the things it had done. All week long and that can happen whether you work outside of the home, whether you work in the home. There's so many unique factors into what a nervous system's thresholds are. Mine at that point in time was empty. My husband was working construction as a side job and it was a Saturday and he just was running late and so he called to say he was running late and I happened to have plans that evening, which is like kind of atypical for me, a more of a homebody. Um, I. And so when he called to say he was late, I was irrationally annoyed. And the rational thinking part of my brain was like, you're being a jerk. But the rest of me was like, Nope, I'm mad. And so I don't remember what our conversation even was like, but I did happen to grab ankle weights. I put the, she's not the baby, she's the middle now, but the baby at the time in the stroller. And we went for a walk. I mean 10 minutes, 15 minutes top. This wasn't a long period of time. And then we came back from the walk, and as I walked into our backyard, I remember just feeling like someone had flipped a switch in me. All of a sudden I was like, this isn't really that big of a deal. Jess, you will be a little bit late for dinner. You're never on time for anything. No one's going to be surprised. It's also only dinner with your best friend. Like it's going to be okay. And I could look around and feel really present and feel really grateful for my beautiful children and my hardworking husband. It was literally like someone had flipped a switch and so I got a little curious and sort of thought like, I think you might have just done occupational therapy. On yourself as a pediatric ot, that was what we would call a weighted walk. A weighted walk is when you give your body some proprioceptive input, which is input into your joints and muscles. It tells you where your body is in space and it helps your body make more serotonin. When you have more serotonin, you feel good. And that's exactly what happened to me. So then I was like, wait a second. What else can we do here, right? Like all I do all day long is support kids in finding their regulations so they can sit at circle time or go to birthday parties or learn. So like, could I just do this for me? Of course I could, and that's pretty much what I do now, whether it's working with moms and families or with other healthcare professionals, because what I quickly realized is that even when you know. All of the tools and the strategies, it's very different knowing it and applying it to yourself, and also seeing how your nervous system dances in both your roles as a mom, as a wife or a partner, as a therapist or a professional. And so sort of like putting this all together became what I do, um, for work.

Lori: 6:44

Yes. Well, and can you elaborate? Just a bit for our listeners who may not know what an occupational therapist is or what they do.

Jessica: 6:53

Yes. Oh, that's like the trademark OT question, right? I'm like right back to OT school. So as an occupational therapist, our basic premise is supporting people in their daily occupations and the lots of. The professionals do this. Um, but as an ot, it's sort of, you zoom out and you look at what are the things that matter, right? So when I'm thinking about kids, for a lot of kids it's going to school or learning in some way. It's playing and it's being a member of their family from there and their community, right? And then from there it becomes what are the things that are. I don't wanna use the word barriers or obstacles, but I can't think of another word. What are the things that are making it hard for this to happen smoothly? And then what strategies can we employ as an ot? Sensory processing is one of the main areas we work in, but so can other professionals. Um, fine motor skills, it can take on a life of its own in different genres and niches, right? And so when I look at myself. What are the daily occupations of my life? There is me just as me, right? Like Jessica, the human who has things that she likes, and that deposit into my nervous system. There's my occupation as a mother. There's my occupation as a therapist. There's my occupation as a daughter, a friend, a sister, a wife, right? And when I say occupation, I know that word sounds like job, but I. When I say it, I really mean like the things that make up your daily life, the roles that you participate in, and then when I look at what are some of the barriers or obstacles to me fully stepping into those roles, it's always my nervous system and not in a bad way, right? It's trying to protect me, but leaning into that relationship just allows me to show up fully in all of those places, and also to know when I don't have it to show up fully and then take care of myself that way as well.

Lori: 8:49

Yes. And you, were you working in schools at one point?

Jessica: 8:53

Oh, yes,

Lori: 8:54

Okay. then, so what made you make the shift then from working in the schools to now more or less working with the entire family? Right.

Jessica: 9:03

There was a few things. I was always dancing between schools and private practice. What I loved about working in the schools, I. Not that I didn't love working with the kids, I did, but I really loved working with the teachers'cause it was just very clear to me that if I was going to make a large impact, I needed to work with the adult in the room. Right. In school-based practice, you generally see students once or twice a week for 30 minutes. That's not a very long time. Um, and I get that they're in school to learn, but to really, really make a shift for them, I needed to reach the, the adult in the room. I kind of felt the same way in private practice. You know, parents would bring their children to us in this big, beautiful sensory gym where I would do all of this lovely sensory integration support and then I would send the kid, you know, back out with their family. And this is not blaming the family in any way, shape or form, but they would go back to their daily life where very little to no sensory opportunity in a therapeutic manner existed. And so obviously when they came back the next week, we'd be just. As dysregulated as we started, and this wasn't for a lack of me attempting to support the parents or the parents not wanting it. It was just the system that I was working in. And then as I had kids of my own, it also became logistical, right? So private practice where I felt like I made more of an impact. It's often after school and I really wanted to be with my own kids after school. And so I shifted back to primarily working school based. And I sort of made this deal with myself as long as the kids who come to see me experience some level of feeling safe, I've done my job because again, 30 minutes, once or twice a week, it's really hard to change skills of any capacity in such a truncated time period. And then I guess when I had this epiphany about doing occupational therapy on myself, it was sort of like to stay true to that foundational goal of I just want the kids in my world to feel safe. It had to bounce up to the parents and the household. Right? And it was so. It went in so many different directions, right? So there's who you are as a parent and how you show up and what you do for your children, and we can do a ton of sensory and nervous system support there. And then there's also how you are parented and how your nervous system responds to the, you know, the things that come in front of it on a daily basis. And so that's where this sort of OT or nervous system support for the whole family came in because. In order for that child to truly feel safe. And when I say safe, I mean safe in a nervous system way. Right? It has to start in the parent's body and, and that's a, it's a conversation. It's not like a quick do this thing and regulate your nervous system and then all is well. It's a process that, it's a skill that I feel needs to be taught.

Lori: 12:00

Yes, very much so. So can you then also elaborate a bit on, because there is a lot of stuff out there right now about co-regulation. Dysregulation being regulated and can you elaborate on that again for our listeners to understand, just for us to go a little bit deeper and really explain what are we talking about when we are talking about co-regulation dysregulation? Because, you know, our nervous systems, right? I mean we, they're constantly responding all day long, even without us realizing that. And again, I think, you know, a big piece of it too is. How we were also ourselves as the parent, as the adult brought up.

Jessica: 12:44

Yep.

Lori: 12:45

I grew up in a very loving household, but there was also, and I think it was just also like the time, you know, I mean, I'm 50 some years old now, so it was like, it was this mentality too of like, brush yourself off, get up, keep going, keep going. And even though I was in very much of a loving household, and so that's a lot of the stuff that I've had to learn even now with dealing with a more. Sensory sensitive child of having to pause a second and when I am finding myself to be heightened. What, where is that coming from? Is it coming from the child? Is it coming from something within me that's triggering? So if you can just explain, I get it because I've been practicing this, but if you can really dive in a bit and just explain what are we talking about when we're talking about nervous system regulation? Because. There comes a level of awareness that I think, well, the world is not walking around with. I feel when I go out into public, I feel like I am walking around in a very, I. Um, protective, disconnected world. I feel like everybody is in this fight or flight phase. Um, everybody thinks that

Jessica: 14:00

Yeah.

Lori: 14:01

you're out to get them and yeah. So because I've been doing this work, I have a totally different lens of how I'm viewing, you know, the world and the people around me. Um, so yes, please, a long way for me to get to be like, can you.

Jessica: 14:17

No, I, I, I love it. So I think the first thing that popped in my mind is regulated is not calm, and I. Don't believe everything you hear on the internet about your nervous system, right? Regulated is not calm. So what does regulated actually mean then? Right? To me, regulation means I have enough coping chemicals to have the appropriate response to the stimulus at hand. Meaning let's say I'm getting my kids out the door to school in the morning. This is not hypothetical. This is. Actual history and let's say I have not slept well. And because I didn't have a good night's sleep, I wasn't able to get up to do my movement, which is how I deposit into my nervous system. There's many ways I do it, but movement is my biggest deposit. And then I've asked my children to put their shoes on three, four. Five times, right? If my voice goes up in octave, it doesn't mean my nervous system is broken, it means I've run out of coping chemicals. And the stimulus with deep love for my children is kind of annoying. I want you to put your shoes on and you're almost eight, right? So I just wanna, I give that story as just like permission. Co-regulation to me is not this 24 7 calm zen creature that never moves in and out of fight, flight, or freeze, right? Your nervous system, whatever it does, it deems as necessary for your success and your survival. And so then the name of the game to me becomes, do I have enough coping chemicals for the situation in front of me? If I don't, can I put more coping chemicals in? If I can't, how much self-compassion and grace can I offer myself? Because I will show up differently as those coping chemicals shift. Right? And I am oversimplifying in some ways, but I find this an extremely helpful framework. And then let's go to co-regulation, right? We love to talk about co-regulation and, and it's a beautiful skill, but we also co-regulate. So same story. My kids, you know, let's say I did get a beautiful night's sleep and I did get my movement in, or maybe I didn't, but all the days before I was taking care of my nervous system. So my tank's pretty full, but for some reason, my kids tank isn't full and they're really dysregulated. And in the beginning I'm doing my best gentle parenting and I'm, you know, saying things and I'm validating and I'm down on one knee looking in their eyes. But then at a point. My system jumps, train tracks, and gets a little bit more fight flighty in response to theirs. Again, this is absolutely normal. It is not you as a parent doing something wrong. We co-regulate and we co-regulate all of the time. So to me, the name of the game is being aware of this dance in your nervous system. I always like to start with the individual, right? How does your nervous system communicate with you? What does it look like in regulation, fight, flight, and freeze? What sensory tools support you in coming back to your most regulated state? Which to your point, Lori, some people, most people have been in fight flight. I'm 41, right? I can't tell you how many clients I meet who say, oh, I think I've been in fight flight for 25 years. And I'm like, no, you probably have. And so. There is a practice around defining like, what does regulated you even look like because you've not been him or her for quite a period of time. So we wanna support the individual's nervous system first and then move it out to the network, right? Sometimes my kid's, the most dysregulated person, and I love to use a phrase, the most dysregulated person wins. Meaning if I've got. A solid amount in my tank. Maybe my kids have a solid amount in their tank, but it's my husband who coming in from a day as a middle school guidance counselor, has nothing in his nervous system tank, right? So the nervous system network of my family is going to shift to support for his nervous system. Sometimes it's my kids, A lot of times it's me. And so. Co-regulation is being aware of this network, taking the necessary actions and having compassion for when you can't.'cause there will be moments and times and spaces where it's, it's just, it's nobody's fault. You just can't get to it all. Um, that's how I define co-regulation. To me, it is not being calm and my calm somehow magically solving all the problems in the room. Um. Yeah, my regulated nervous system is a very powerful parenting tool, but it's not the whole story. And I like to pull that up because it's a lot of pressure otherwise, right? As the mom, sometimes you get the message of like, if you just were more regulated, then you would get your kids to school on time and it's like, eh, it's not the whole story. Um, it helps, but there's so many other elements.

Dorothy: 19:11

Yes, I love that you said that. Can I just chime in real quick? So, um, I went through a period of time where my child was getting dysregulated every 15 minutes. All day long. Um, and there was some medical stuff going on too, brain inflammation. So there was, uh, there was a lot of things happening. Um, and we were working with an in-home therapist at the time, so she would come and give us, you know, tools and ideas and she brought up co-regulation to me and how, you know, that's really important. And I say, and I said to her, but how do I do that? You know, we're, we're not talking about the level and I know that there's many levels of dysregulation, so we're not talking about, I, I'm a little frustrated'cause you're not putting shoes on and I'm, things are just simmering. This is, my child is extremely dysregulated, screaming, maybe throwing things at me, you know, I mean really upset. Um, and I am needing to stay. Quote, calm and regulated right? Um, throughout the day. So I say, how do I do that? And she said to me, you just do. And I'm like, well, can you? She's like, you, you love him enough, right? You love him enough and you, and you just have to, you just do it, Dorothy. You just do it. And. This is spoken to a mom who hasn't slept well for, five years. My child had sleep apnea, so Right. So she's pre perimenopausal, hasn't slept, dealing with the child that has a lot of needs and that was her response,

Jessica: 20:49

Yeah, and all that did was probably further dysregulate you, right? Because now I. calm is supposed to be the thing that's the cure. And because you can't do that are, am I making it worse? Or like how much of my mom guilt is just dysregulation. Right.

Dorothy: 21:05

Oh, totally. It was all my fault.

Jessica: 21:07

Yeah. It's all my fault.

Dorothy: 21:08

All my fault.

Jessica: 21:10

And

Dorothy: 21:10

only I could do it better, but I'm not gonna teach you how. But if you can figure it out, is the, that is the solution to all your problems.

Jessica: 21:18

And there's a few things that jump out at me there. One, dysregulated thinking is very all or none. So the, it's all my fault. Or in my house, it sounds like it's ruined. I, I didn't do it and now it's ruined. And I'm like, it's like not ruined guys. It's maybe delayed or whatever, right? But when you're dysregulated, it feels very. All are not, it feels that way in your own self-talk. It feels that way in your partner's self-talk. It feels that way in your kids' self-talk. Right. And also if we are co-regulating for our kids all the time, which isn't possible, but we'll just play pretend who is co-regulating for us is also another question that came up for me a lot where, you know, I kept hearing the, um. The quote or whatever, that you should respond and not react. And I was always like, I, I think that's like theoretically I'm fully on board with that. And same as you, Dorothy. I was like, but, but how?'cause I'm not choosing my reaction. You don't choose your nervous system. See, it is driven by your nervous system deeming. That is what is necessary. To keep you safe. And so even when our kids are doing things like throwing and screaming and hitting right, they don't, they're not choosing it. It is driven by their nervous system state, and they don't have a fully formed prefrontal cortex, which means all of this beautiful thinking and talking that we are doing about this topic. They don't have all access to that. They will. One day. And so I tell parents all the time, get dysregulated in front of your kids because their mirror neurons are watching your nervous system. So you can say, take a deep breath, which isn't that effective of a strategy anyway, but you could say it, but you know what's way more effective? Freaking out and then turning around to your kid and saying, ah, I don't have it. I'm gonna go outside and sit on the swing and drink a cold drink because my brain feels like it's on fire. I'll be back. Then when you come back, I may say things like, you know what? It wasn't cool that I yelled. I totally wish I hadn't yelled. But what happened was you kept asking me the same question over and over again, and I'm a little bit hungry, and I asked you to stop and you didn't stop. And then the noise was just too much for my brain. I totally freaked again, that's my bad. But that's why I went outside and did those things to help my body calm down, show them what nervous system regulation looks like. Then when they get a big wave of stress, they will know.

Dorothy: 23:48

I love that. I do that a lot. I, I, so I, I do a version of that with my now, and it, it makes such a huge difference. even the other night, I, one of my triggers is he will not turn off the iPad when it's time to turn off the iPad. Right? So, so it's that awareness of my, that initial moment where I'm starting to feel. The, the rk, right? Like, all right, I'm feeling it, it's gonna be okay. Do like, it's just an iPad. What if five more minutes? Who cares? Right? Um, and then it becomes 10 or 20 or whatever, and he just wants to finish that thing, you know? So, okay, so then it starts to bubble more. And then, um, he, he says to me, mommy, your voice is changing.

Jessica: 24:30

Yes.

Dorothy: 24:31

I said, you know, you're so right. You're, you're so right. I'm sorry. You know, I'm starting to lose patience and what you need from me right now is for me to be patient with you and I'm not being patient and I'm so sorry. He's like, okay, it's okay. Mommy.

Jessica: 24:45

I know

Dorothy: 24:46

more then he is done. yeah,

Jessica: 24:48

yeah, and they're so aware of it, and so I feel like a little bit of language and all of a sudden they have words for what they already know. Um, and in the beginning I know it felt like I was talking into the wind. I was like, no one's answering me when I do all this, like, lovely repair and regulation talk, but then it comes back out at a point. Um, so they are taking it in.

Dorothy: 25:10

That's wonderful and I'd just like to know one more thing,'cause I don't wanna forget. So you had talked about how we are a network of regulation or dysregulation and how, you know, you have the radar on in your home of like, okay, who needs the most support? How does that look like in terms of language? So dad comes home, dad is. Obviously dysregulated. You see some signs. Is that like an a conversation like, oh, it looks like daddy needs some alone time. I'm seeing this from him. Let's give him space, or can you

Jessica: 25:42

Sometimes. So I find when there's a lot of dysregulation in the air in my family and in many of my client's families, but I don't wanna make it like a hard and fast rule. Um, more talking is not supportive, right? So it's more like when my husband walks in and I'm like, oh. Okay, this is what we're working with here. Um, I might be like, Hey guys, let's go play in the backyard, or let's go in the basement. Or, um, my husband's nervous system has high sensory thresholds, so I might put on music that I know he co regulates to. And then let's say I am seeing a pattern of dysregulation. So in the moment, it's this quick, like, oops. Yep. Okay. Here's where we're gonna go, or here's what we're going to do. And then let's say I'm like, man, it's happening every day at this same particular point in our day. So then I wanna zoom out and look at what can I do? And I often will ask myself or my clients or anyone the question sort of like, what's too much? Like, what's not enough and what can we do about it? The what can we do about it is really useful.'cause sometimes you can't do anything about it and you just get to know that. Um, but a lot of time the what's too much in our home is visual and auditory, right? So we'll go back to the example of dad coming home. Dad walks in. Our dog doesn't bark too much, but maybe a little bit all the kids are talking or the TV's on and that's quite loud. And then, you know, kids do that thing where like. Should you and your partner wanna have a conversation, all of a sudden they immediately need to be having the conversation. So auditory is high. There's not a ton I can do about that. I've got three young kids, all seven and under are gonna be kids. Right. Okay. Now let's go over to visual. Visual often looks a lot like the lunch bags and the dishes and the stuff from the day are out. There's some toys out. Maybe my kids have taken off their clothes, like when they come in, we change their clothes. Ideally they go up to their bedroom and change their clothes. Many times it's like done right in the hallway, and so that visual stimulus is a part of what makes the home feel chaotic when my husband walks in, so I may choose. To put Sesame Street on or Big Sesame Street pants, and then maybe take 20 minutes to do something as simple as unload the dishwasher and clear off the countertop. And it sounds so trivial to be like, oh, and then we're a little bit more regulated, but then we are a little bit more regulated because that is one. A piece that I can control. Do I do this every day? No. There's some days where my nervous system doesn't have it, where the schedule doesn't allow, and then I know to expect more dysregulation. So in the moment, I think it's a little bit of quick, like, Ooh, what can I do just to take this down or notch? And then if you're seeing a pattern leaning in on what sensory supports can we use and doing that proactively. It's so silly that something like unloading the dishwasher and putting the dishes away can have such a big difference. But it really does, and sometimes when I get to this part of the conversation, it also sounds like, well, you're just cleaning your house. And yes, I would've eventually done the dishes anyway, but it being done in that time for that purpose also shows my nervous system, like, I'm paying attention to you, right? I see you. I see how this is playing out. And when you do that over and over and over again, it widens your window of regulation. Generally two to three sessions in what people say to me is, I can't believe how much the awareness has such an impact. And I'm like, I know it's, it's huge that just watching it gives you a little bit more bandwidth. The strategy and the tools are amazing, but the awareness is really the thing that changes the game in my experience.

Lori: 29:30

it absolutely is. And that was my next question is if, and you've already kind of tapped into it with the auditory in the visual, but again, if we're talking about. The adult who's been dysregulated their entire life or not in this, in this state that we're talking about of, of regulation. What are some other sensory examples that you can give them? Because I, I know for myself, and it's so interesting because I mean, my entire life I don't do well with clutter. Clutter. And I would say clutter brings me anxiety. Now, obviously, you know, I have a new awareness where I'm like, oh, wow, yeah, I need that organization. For my regulation and making it feel like I have space. Um, and that's what I do in the morning. I wake up, I go for a walk. If there's any dishes in the sink before I even make lunches, like all that has to be organized. And then I go up at like an hour later, I get my kids up and I am. Totally present and in a space for them. So give us, some examples, um, of what you're talking about, Jessica, like even giving yourself more time in the morning, right? I mean, that's a level of awareness, like just paying attention to what makes you feel relaxed and open versus. Protective and shut down. I mean, that's kind of how I've been paying attention to me of, okay, oh, I'm getting tightness in my chest. Whether it was something that somebody said or something that I saw. Or what I heard. Right. So if you can just tap in a little bit more and give some more specific examples so can start bringing more awareness to our systems.

Jessica: 31:10

I'm going to start with what I call your forward facing senses first, which would be sight, taste, touch, sound, and smell. We've talked about visual and auditory a little bit already. Smell is a really useful, and all of these senses are really useful ways to sort of. Cue your system for safety and comfort because your nervous system is consistently assessing, like, is this dangerous or is it safe? Right? And so if you can stack extra cues of safety and comfort from the outside in, you've got a better chance at getting regulated or staying regulated. I love using the sense of smell during dysregulated times of day. One of my favorite smells is coffee. Now I don't wanna drink coffee at like 2 33 in the afternoon'cause that sets off a whole other chain of regulation. But I will walk by my coffee pot and just flip open the lid. So as my kids come in after school, for me, the smell of coffee is a little more present and it anchors me a little bit into regulation. Psych tastes like taste, touch, right? So deep touch will help your body make more dopamine. Which will help your body wash away adrenaline. And so I use things like dry brushing and gua. I generally do them at the end of the day. That's just where it fits most for me to open up a little more bandwidth of regulation. And this, the dry brushing really came about because my middle daughter, Clara, she loves to fall asleep by scratching. My shoulder and it is not a sensory sensation that I enjoy, and particularly I do not enjoy it at the end of a long day. But I do deeply love my daughter and I don't want her to feel like I am not available for how she soothes. Right? That that's, we have different sensory thresholds there and so I thought, I wonder if I dry brush before bedtime if it will just give me a little more. Bandwidth and at around the time that I was playing around with this, the baby was also maybe six months old, so I had very little time to do anything right. There was just, I was always with a kid. The amount of breathing room it gave my nervous system to put in this deep touch was remarkable. And so there's so many examples of ways you can get deep touch. I'm giving you some of mine. And the other thing I wanna offer is that let's say you listen to this podcast and you try dry brushing and you're like, Hmm. It's not my thing. It doesn't mean that you don't benefit from deep touch. It means that that strategy didn't speak directly to your nervous system. And I think that's a really important distinction because I don't want anyone to throw away this concept of supporting their nervous system because the first strategy they hear about isn't the one that speaks to theirs. So we've got, I did a little visual, a little auditory, a little smell, a little touch, taste. I mostly use oral sensory input to alert my nervous system. And what that looks like in real life is I finish work around 2, 2 15 and then I close my laptop and the baby's, you know, with a babysitter. I've got a pickup, Clara pickup jack, and we're just like trucking right along. And so I will grab a seltzer. And I like a crunchy, spicy snack. It's generally chips and salsa as a way to give my nervous system a little bit of oral sensory input that alerts me for the rest of the afternoon. You don't have to do it in the middle of the day, but I have lots of clients who like eat an orange in the middle of their morning. As a way to alert their nervous system and wake them up when they're sitting all day long. If you have kids who are chewers Right. You know the ones they go to school. Yeah. And they come out and you're like, did you suck your sleeve the whole day? Right. Like, you're drenched. That is disgusting. And this is my son. He doesn't do it at school. Right. So he, he masks quite a bit at school and then he's watching tv and it's like the couch. Pillow is in his anything is in his mouth. And we're like, please stop chewing. A wonderful thing to do is to give their body the oral sensory input it's asking for. Would you like an ice pop? Would you like a lollipop? Would you like chips and salsa seltzer? Um, he's, most of my kids are selective eaters, but they loved smoked salmon with everything bagel seasoning, which is like. I don't really know except for the fact that it's a ton of sensory input, right? So the way we use oral sensory input can be very unique, but I wanted to give a handful of examples. And then there's proprioception, which I mentioned at the very beginning, and vestibular. So again, proprioceptive input is input into your joints and muscles. It will tell you where your body is in space. It will help your body make serotonin, another ot. This is not my phrase says, when in doubt, probe it out. And I love that phrase because when we get dysregulated, our thinking brains will go offline. So if in a moment of dysregulation you don't perfectly execute the parenting script. Or you don't remember one of these sensory tools, like you're not doing it wrong. That is by design in your nervous system. But proprioception can be so, so helpful. And I had a client one time who said, if you tell me to get up before my kids and exercise like I quit, I'm, I just, it's a no for me. And I was like, that's okay, right? We all have our own things, it's fine. But she did wear ankle weights throughout the morning routine, so that way she was getting her proprioceptive input. Right in the midst of everything she was doing, and it really, really helped her sort of stay more grounded quite literally, all throughout a pretty chaotic time of day. And then the last one is vestibular and your vestibular system. You have organs in your inner ear. They, again tell you about where your head and your body is in space. When I worked in pediatrics, I knew to start with vestibular first because everything was just easier. Afterwards, right? So before I was going to go do handwriting or shoe tying or whatever we were working on, we're gonna get in the gym and get some vestibular input. And then one of my very first clients said, you know what? When I do these vestibular things we've talked about, and I'll give a few examples. She goes, I just feel more in control afterwards. And I was like, oh man, those are the words that the four and five year olds, like, they don't have that type type of language. Right? And that is exactly how it plays out for almost everyone. It is a very sensitive system, meaning you don't wanna do more than what feels good for your body, but for me, right before dinnertime, if it's nice out and we're in the backyard or at the park, I make sure that I sit on the swing too. I have a pretty sensitive vestibular system, so for a little extra grounding, I keep my feet on the ground. I'll just do a little bit of swinging if it is cold weather or rainy or we just don't get outside. We have a rocking chair in our living room, like a farmhouse decor rocking chair, and I will sit there and I'll do two to three minutes of rocking. And it always surprises me how in control it helps me feel throughout the dinner routine. And so. The last bit and then I'll let you guys ask questions.'cause now I've just been carrying on

Dorothy: 38:15

This is wonderful.

Lori: 38:16

Keep going.

Jessica: 38:17

looking back at how you deposited into your nervous system when you were younger is really, really useful. I loved dance growing up. I never did it competitively or anything of that nature, but it was always a very quick way and a very meaningful way that I put myself in my body. And so as an adult, many of my workouts are dance based. Now when I move into fight flight, I'm not proud of this share, but I tend to stomp my foot if I'm really like, if I'm really going for it. And so one of the ways that I support my nervous system is I do many dance based workouts on the rebounder, which is a mini trampoline. And so this speaks to both a way that I anchor myself in my regulated state from when I was very young and my sensory needs. How my nervous system speaks to me in moments of stress, and it makes it incredibly effective. It's so useful for me to know this because I don't have oodles of extra time. I do get up in the morning before my kids, but I need the thing that I do to really work, or I will not continue to get up in the morning before my kids. And so putting this all together with what does my sensory system need? How do my stress responses speak to me? What do I look like in regulation? That's how we create the plan for how you take care of your nervous system. That was a very long answer, so please tell me what questions you have.

Lori: 39:44

No,

Dorothy: 39:44

that incredible. No, that's incredible. I love how thoughtful you are in all of this. Like you are really looking at it piece by piece and like, you know, investigating all the little, I just, I love it so much and I love how. Easy It seems to do. It's you know, a lot of times people just feel like, I don't have enough time. I can't learn this thing. I don't have time to incorporate this big program. you're talking about these teeny, tiny things that can change someone's day.

Jessica: 40:13

and I think that is the OT in me a little bit. All of us therapists do it, but as an ot, we we're taught a lot about activity analysis. So like taking something like brushing your teeth and breaking it down into these like minuscule little steps and then figuring out how can I make it easier at what step? That's literally what I do over and over and over again, and it 100% comes from my experience as an ot.

Lori: 40:38

Wow. no, I love it. And it is, it comes down to a, just that level of awareness, so to all you parents out there, grandparents. Erin's teachers, healthcare providers, this is the piece, where you need to observe, right? Observe your environment yet for your child as well as for yourself, and start building that bandwidth. Um, and when I first started, and again, I'm not perfect by any means, but when I first started this work, I would be where I would have that level of awareness, but then bam, it, it would just be reactive. But now as I've continued to build and become more aware, it's starting to get easier for me where it's like, okay, this, I could feel myself shifting into like an old pattern that I know isn't gonna serve. So now I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go give mom a minute. I'm gonna go upstairs. Put the laundry away, whatever it is that I need to say. Obviously something that's gonna keep them away from coming to help me. Right? And then I go upstairs and I just, lay down the floor for three minutes, two, whatever it is that I have, and I just, collect myself and then I can, resume because I think that was always the hardest part for me is like, okay, I have the awareness, but I'm still reacting that switch is still on. And it takes time. It takes time to turn start to. Dull the switch. Right, and create more bandwidth. Yeah. And then with, if you've been in this state for most of your life, it becomes this reactionary built in reaction, if that sense, right. Where it's just, it's now automatic. The fight or flight is just automatic. And there's times too, even with my children now, like if they have a moment and then things dissolve pretty quickly, I'll even say to them, I'm like. That felt like that was an old energy coming in. Were you really as upset as you like not acted

Jessica: 42:37

Yep.

Lori: 42:38

because you could, you, right? You can feel that as a parent of like, this is being blown way outta proportion. I know you don't exactly feel that way, but you just hit the gas pedal and you're off. And so there's times now that we'll have those conversations where I'm like, I, I understand that this was very frustrating and you were allowed to have that emotion, but do you feel that maybe you, I. Went bigger than what you really needed to, and they're recognizing that like, you know what, yeah. Like, yeah, no, I, yeah. I didn't have to like scream over that. That did, yeah. Yeah, mom, that did kind of feel like it was like an old pattern coming up. So, we're trying to have those conversations as well in our house because of the pathways and the highways that we've built prior to we know now. And I think that's the other piece I wanna say, to anybody listening is that this takes time. It takes time because you have to be aware and then you start to make these small little changes. Let's have a snack, let's go out in the swing, let's go jump, whatever it might be. And then you just continue to build and build and build and that space. That space of quote unquote calmness revelation right, becomes bigger. And of course, too, depending on the day, the night of sleep, like you were saying in beginning. So having grace with yourself too, and when I feel myself being in those spaces where I just, you know, feel off or in a funk for whatever reason, I'll communicate that too to my kids of you know what, I'm tired right now. And especially at nighttime, my girls know, like. Bears, it's nine o'clock. Mom's done. The brain isn't even registering anything. The mouth can't even form sentences, anymore. And so just know you're getting tired, mom. And that's like kind of their clue, like, okay, mom's getting tired and I know if I, you know, push anything or ask or I try to draw bedtime out, her voice is gonna change, and yeah. So we work really hard to still keep. That symbiosis happening, in the family. But we also have that, that conversation of what is starting to change and shift and why, you know, and it is, it's much harder to have that bandwidth when you're tired and exhausted. Yeah.

Jessica: 44:49

And I love that you bring up the old patterns to them because I think a trend in talking about the nervous system is like, rewire, reset your nervous system. And I'm like, I mean, no. Yes, no, you can shift your set point. You can widen your window of tolerance. And then these autopilots or these old ways of doing things, they, they'll likely continue to show up, but when you can be in relationship with them, they don't own you. And so I love that language, just, it's a lot more authentic and founded in science from my perspective to sort of say, let's be aware of our patterns, but I'm not erasing. Any pathway in your brain, we're just showing it alternatives as well. And then you have the awareness and the power to choose, and that's how things start to shift on the outside.

Lori: 45:33

Mm-hmm. Yes. Beautifully said. Well, and you know, talking about like that co-regulation and the mirror neurons, again, you could be saying something nice, but your tone, your facial expression could be something different. And that's the other piece of co-regulation, right? Jessica, that comes with this is okay, you could be saying, you know. It's okay, but your, your tone could condescending. Your face could be rolling your eyes that you're not even aware that you're doing. And those are the cues that our children pick up on, um, even if not even aware that they're up on that. But that is the whole piece too, of this co-regulation of being aware of your voice, of your facial expressions. Just how are you carrying yourself.

Jessica: 46:14

And you get to be authentic as a parent. I will never forget my husband, I don't even remember what my son did, but he picked up my son and he was doing his best. Dr. Becky and I think Dr. Becky is lovely and shares a lot of valuable information. She also teaches about regulations. So this isn't like knocking her. He wasn't feeling very regulated and so he said the whole speech and he did the whole thing. I don't even think my son listened to him and he put my son down and I was like, babe, you don't have to do that again. Like, I really appreciate you trying, but you can show up authentically as you as a parent. That doesn't make you a bad parent, right? Like you can say, I really don't like it when you X, Y, and Z. Do you need my help? But please don't X, Y, and Z. Like you don't. So just permission to parent authentically as well.

Lori: 47:00

Oh my gosh. Yes. Well, and that is, you know, my husband, he means well because he wants to explain and then fix what might have. Teetered, that situation and for, I mean, well, all of us, but my one daughter in, in specifically too much words coming at her, forget it. And I'm like, I'm like, you know, in the back. I'm like, time out, time.

Jessica: 47:24

Yes. Yeah.

Lori: 47:25

You know, no more I'm quiet, but I'm like kind of waving them down, like no opposite, and she responds to hugs. So it's like, you know what, just be quiet. Less is more in this situation for her. Go up, give her a hug, let some time pass. And if this is something that needs to go back and be talked about, then let's do it when she's in her thinking brain, so yeah, and we are still at the tip of the iceberg. Just learning each other's cues and what we need and when we need it, and not to be taking things personal. I mean, that's the other piece, right? When you understand this, wow. It changes the perspective of not taking things personal. It's not an attack on you. Right. It's um, yeah. Recognizing where they are in their space. Yeah.

Jessica: 48:10

And that's one of my top signs of dysregulation. I know we didn't get to this and we've been chatting quite a bit, but there are these mini signs, right? So if I am taking everything personally, it lets me know that my window of tolerance is quite small. Um, do I always handle that? Well, no, because I get to be a nervous system as well. Um, but I do like having an awareness of my signs of dysregulation as well as the network, again, so you can recognize. What's happening and what you're dealing with. Sort of this awareness we've been talking about this time.

Dorothy: 48:40

Yes. No, I love that when I start holding my breath,

Jessica: 48:45

Yes,

Dorothy: 48:46

I'm like, wait a minute. I haven't breathed in. Like, it feels like a minute or two. Like, oh, I should start breathing. That's my first sign. Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica: 48:54

Jaw tightness is another one that a lot of people will say like, oh yeah, I've got TMJ, and I'm like, you may, but also like, how stressed out are you and how much are you doing? This and every moment of stress.

Lori: 49:07

Good Yes. No, I love it. So, Jessica, if anybody wants to work with you, can you walk us through?'cause you do everything online, correct?

Jessica: 49:16

I do everything online and so

Lori: 49:18

with us how you do that and then how people can, reach out to you. And of course, you know, all this information will go to, in the, in the show notes.

Jessica: 49:24

Wonderful. Thank you. So I do work with people one-to-one, and I always tell people the one-to-one support feels very much so like therapy. I do a ton of education, as you can tell. If you've listened this far into the podcast, I like to talk about science. So that will happen in that capacity, but it also is very much so. You show up and you're like, this thing happened, and like, what do we think? And I'm going to reframe it from a nervous system perspective layer in those sensory tools, we do a sensory profile for you and every member of your family, as much as you're interested, to, again, get this sensory baseline for all of you. And so that is one type of support that I offer. Then I also teach a. Of course a class a training. I don't ever really know what to call it, um, where I teach you the backend science of this. So whereas one-to-one feels very much so like therapy, the class called nervous system mastery feels very much so, like education. The first half, we're going to go deep into all of your sensory systems. All of your nervous system states and the connection between the two, the second half is a lot of implementation.'cause I can't just hand over the science and be like, best of luck, see you later. And so I teach all of my tried and true practices. You do get some one-to-one support in that program as well. Um, and that program runs pretty regularly. The next round is starting in the end of June. Anyone can join. But it was created from a schedule perspective for people who do run on a school calendar.'cause many times teachers reach out and they're like, I, I don't have prep at that time, or I can't possibly take a class during my lunch. And so this is really, with that, I. Group of folks in mind. But I have been telling parents, if you are interested in my work from a parenting perspective, this is a great round to jump in on because you're going to be in a class with school psychologists, therapists, OTs, speech therapists, the full gamut. So like what a room to be in kind of thing.

Lori: 51:21

Yeah. Wow.

Jessica: 51:23

And then I have workshops and all different sorts of things. My website is a great place to sort of get the lay of the land. And then I use Instagram quite a bit to just talk about. What's happening, what I'm currently running, but those are the two, the two mainstays in my business. You can also just always reach out to me with a question. This is clearly my favorite topic in the world, so I'm very happy to talk about it. With anyone. I, I wish that everyone could deeply understand their nervous system, and so I'm really committed to, to helping in any way that I can.

Lori: 51:54

Wonderful. And your website is jessica adio.com.

Jessica: 51:58

It's jessica r adio.com. Just. My middle initial,

Lori: 52:02

Oh, there there it is. Now I see it in there. Yes.

Jessica: 52:05

Everything is Jessica r Adio, like not a ton of creativity in, in naming my things.

Lori: 52:12

Well, but it's you. It's you doing the so

Jessica: 52:14

Yep. If you know my name, you can find me. Yes.

Lori: 52:17

Oh my gosh, Jessica, this was amazing. As always, Dorothy and I can talk about this stuff for hours. Dee, any final thoughts wrap up? I, I just wanna say thank you. I'm so happy you found us, and I'm so happy that we have a platform where we can share this information. And just thank you for normalizing dysregulation and letting our listeners know that it's okay. To not be okay and for giving and having a space where people can learn the tools to feel better and just to learn what they can do to support their families and themselves. So

Jessica: 52:54

Uh, thank you so much for having me.

Lori: 52:56

gosh. Of course. And you know, and just to feed off that really quick, Deedee,'cause that's the thing, we are brainwashed to look at behavior. Our children. Right. As good or bad, you're a good girl. You're a bad boy, whatever it be. And the behavior is telling us something about their nervous system.

Jessica: 53:17

Yes, and you do not choose your nervous system state at any age. It is driven by physiological responses.

Lori: 53:24

And the last thing you want to hear is to be told to calm down. That you are you're misbehaving, you're wrong, you're bad, you know? That's just there's something wrong with you. It is just gonna put you more into that protective state. And so really learning, again, reading those signs of the behavior. Pulling out the tools that we talked about, again, from a sensory standpoint and just, you know, starting there and just learning, learning your child, learning you is such a huge piece and not looking at behavior as good or bad. And it's just, yeah, that piece just really gets under, under my and I feel, so bad for so many kids, in school. And it's, um, yeah, I mean, again, this is another thing we It's a whole other podcast. But yeah, look that behavior as, a clue of, of just telling you information it ends up shutting them down and they think that there's something wrong and they think that they're broken and what good is gonna come

Jessica: 54:22

And then that becomes their autopilot, which is the biggest disappointment of all. I don't think disappointment's a strong enough word, but you, you know what I mean?

Lori: 54:32

Yeah. And that's the thing. Even if you as the parent or the teacher, whatever, does not understand that behavior, there's still power in validating how that person feels. And then again, implementing tools and getting everybody to calm back down and get back into their thinking, brain and repair and reset.

Jessica: 54:51

A hundred percent

Lori: 54:52

I know. Oh well. Wonderful. Again, Jessica, thank you so much and everything will go into the show notes for everybody to, click on and, work with you if they wish. So thank you everybody and thank you listeners, and we will, see you all soon. See you on the other side again. Stay curious. Bye. Bye.

55:14

The information shared on this podcast is for informational purposes only and is based on the opinions and experience of Lori Dorothy and their guests. The content should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice. Diagnosis or a treatment. Always seek the advice of your healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you heard on this podcast