My Wife Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore | Listener Letter

Wake up, go on your lunch break or get off the phone because new ‘Bestie Mail’ has been delivered 💌 !

And in this episode the men tell all. 

We need to remember men are people with feelings and today they’ve stopped by to share. Bodyshaming, divorce and dead beat baby daddies- OH MY

Put your counselor caps on because we’re gonna dive in, break these stories down and give some advice.

Here what we jump into today:

1. AITA for wanting to divorce my wife?
2. My baby daddy makes me feel TRAPPED
3. My wife HATES my body and I don’t know what to do.

Thank you to the Besties who wrote in and were vulnerable enough to share their stories.
To submit your own listener letters, click here.

P.S LET AJA KNOW IF SHE SHOULD BREAK UP WITH GRANT TO INCREASE THE YEARN 👀

If you wanna watch our live reactions to this episode (which you should 👀), catch us on YouTube!

Besties, let us know what y'all think on this one!

-Grant & Aja

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Am I the asshole for wanting to divorce my wife?

SPEAKER_03 0:02

Let's see.

SPEAKER_00 0:03

This whole time I've been her ex's good enough replacement, the just in case guy, the fallback.

SPEAKER_03 0:08

The rebound.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Men have feelings too. Can you bring it?

SPEAKER_03 0:11

Men don't usually share their feelings.

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Men never share their feelings.

SPEAKER_03 0:14

I think there's a lot of people, especially nowadays, who don't even want to deal with any type of confrontation in their relationships.

SPEAKER_00 0:20

I've really been considering deeply that Grant and I should break up. I think that we should break up again. I think it's time for us to break up. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Yeah. And what's the reason for that?

SPEAKER_00 0:33

What's up, y'all? Welcome to the Hanging Out Forever podcast. My name is Asia Corinne, your host. I'm here with my lovely boyfriend and co-host of eight or nine years. We don't know anymore. Grant Blackwell.

SPEAKER_03 0:44

What's going on, guys?

SPEAKER_00 0:45

And Grant and I are about to get into some listener letters, y'all. We know you love them. So welcome to another episode of Listener Letters. But before we get into that, Grant and I have been beefing, and I've really been considering deeply that Grant and I should break up. I think that we should break up again. I think it's time for us to do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

You really think so?

SPEAKER_00 1:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

Yeah. And what's the reason for that?

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Because I feel like the sex we were having when we were broken up was like the best sex I ever had in my life. I'm telling y'all, this man was yearning.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

She's obsessed with the yearning. My God.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

I was obsessed with it. And I just think about sometimes where like you were just, oh my God, you were so sad. You were so sad. And there was something so hot about it. I'm sorry, you were so sad. And every time I gave you some, you would just be so grateful. And I was like, oh my God, this is just exactly what yearning is meant to be. Would you agree that when we broke up was some of the best sex we ever had? Is that TMI? Should we not share this?

SPEAKER_03 1:43

This is fine. Yeah, this is fine. I I think I think it was. You know, they always say breakup sex is the best. That's what they say. But I don't know. I I'm just not, I'm not in a place where I'm so sad and so depressed and yearning for you. You know what I mean? I mean, I think I I yearn for you in other ways. I do. But yeah, it's definitely definitely not on the level it was for sure.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Oh man, you guys, if you break a man's heart, RIP to yearn. But if you guys, if you break a man's heart, keep it broken for a while so you can enjoy that yearner sex.

SPEAKER_03 2:18

Yeah. Because it is no, that's definitely a thing. Like the whole breakup sex thing is definitely it's a thing, right? Yeah, I would say so.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

It was really good.

SPEAKER_03 2:25

I mean, it's still great, but your whole like it feels kind of like new, like you don't really know this person or they're they're different in a way. You see them differently.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

And you almost have to like like obviously sex is great already, but when we were broken up, it was like you were like trying to go out of your way to impress me even more. I was loving it. Oh my god, I was obsessed with it. Yeah, oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

That's funny. I think I still from that time and I still apply them today.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

That's true, you know. But the sadness, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:54

The sadness, it can't, yeah. That could that could never be uh uh you can't redo that, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Anyway, well, if if he doesn't yearn, he cannot earn. Grant, you yearn enough, but that sad boy yearn was something so romantic.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

The sad boy yearn.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Just something out of like a freaking Jane Austen book. It was giving pride and prejudice, like I can't live or breathe without you. Oh my god. Anyway, anyway. Uh-huh. Y'all let me know if y'all ever broke up with somebody and if that breakup sex was the best you ever had. Because for me, it was undeniably the best. Maybe I should maybe we break up every other week. Maybe twice a month we we break up.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

Okay, we could do that.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

I'ma hold you to that.

SPEAKER_03 3:39

Yeah. Get back to yearning.

SPEAKER_00 3:43

Puppy dog eyes. Asia, please let me inside.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

That was the vibe. I will go back to that in a second. But I love being happy with you.

SPEAKER_03 3:58

That's the thing. I like being happy in our relationship.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

I love being happy.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:02

But I wish, you know, maybe you were sad.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

Little year.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

A little sad on the side.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Okay. Anyway.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

I like being happy though.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

I know. You're so sweet. I love you so much. Okay, here we go. All right, so we are finna get to the listener letters. For anybody that's new to this episode, the way that we do listener letters is I have skimmed through them. I don't usually read them. I just read like the beginning and the end, figure out if they're good, figure out if they're interesting, figure out if they're worth sharing. Most of the time they are. And Grant is going in totally blind. So he's flying blind. And I am our pilot. He blind reacts. We both somewhat blind react together.

SPEAKER_02 4:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

So we're gonna start with the first read. And we also have gotten some listener letters from men.

SPEAKER_03 4:45

I like that.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

There are two very solid listener letters from men because men have feelings too. Can you believe that?

SPEAKER_03 4:51

Men don't usually share their feelings.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

Men never share their feelings.

SPEAKER_03 4:53

So it's nice to hear.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

And men are people too.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

So am I the asshole for wanting to divorce my wife?

SPEAKER_03 5:00

We'll see.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

My wife Laura, 36F, and I, 37M, have known each other since high school, but we've only been together for almost four years. When I first met her, I loved her instantly. It felt like love at first sight. She didn't feel the same way about me, and that was okay. I had we had the same friend group, and I was just happy being her friend. She dated people and so did I, but we were always close. She was and still is beautiful, smart, sexy, flirty, and has this warmth to her that I've never seen in anyone else. Everyone loves Laura. She's one of those special people that others are just drawn to. At the time, at the time, I knew that if she ever showed any interest in me, I would immediately be with her, even if I was already seeing someone. I would have dumped them in an instant if I thought I had a chance.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 5:47

After high school, we drifted apart a little bit because of distance, and she ended up getting married to some guy she met in college. From the moment they met, he was all she talked about. Straight out the gate, she was head over heels for him, always talking about how attractive he was, funny, well off, etc. Of course, I was hurt, but also happy for her. Our friendship for me was never just about trying to get her to be with me. We were genuinely close. But when she invited me to meet him or to the wedding, I couldn't force myself to do it. I made up some excuse for why I couldn't be there. I can admit, the guy she married was a catch. Big family money, great hair, great shape, tall, all the things women seem to like. I'm not so bad myself, but I'm definitely no Adonis. Ha ha. Their marriage lasted a few years before they got divorced. She found out he cheated on her and divorced him. That was when we started to reconnect. She told me all about their relationship and was scared to walk away from the life they had together. From what she told me, it did seem luxurious. Expensive dinners, flights all over the world, great vacations, a beautiful house, a bunch of stuff I didn't have and could never have. I thought she should leave him because he cheated. Duh. No brainer. But we spent a few months getting to know each other, slept together during that time, and a year later, we were dating. It was amazing, especially for me. I finally got with my dream girl, or so I thought.

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

A few years into our marriage, she found out he was seeing someone else. And then she started mentioning her ex again. How fun life was with him, how much money and access he had. I started to notice that even though we were now married, she never talked about me to me like how she talked about him to me when they first met. Oh no. And her bringing him up made me feel like shit because it was all the things I was insecure about not having. I'm not doing bad in life, and I make enough to where she doesn't have to pay or work if she doesn't want to, but I can't fly us around the world and take random vacations like he did. I started to realize that she never really compliments me beyond being someone who is kind, handsome, and trustworthy. I like those traits within myself, but those being her reasons make me feel like a safe rebound rather than someone she's in love with.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

I found her looking him up in her search history, and she still has old pics of them in her phone. She still even has his number saved. They don't have any kids. So to keep those things has started to feel weird to me when I never really thought about it before. So many things have changed since she's expressed how she misses her old life. She used to look at me like I was the only person for her. Now I feel invisible. It's been weighing on me a lot. And two months ago, when we were having sex, she accidentally said his name.

SPEAKER_03 8:20

Oh no. I was waiting for something like that. Oh no.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

She accidentally said his name. That broke something in me. And even when we talk, that's all I can hear. That made me realize this whole time I've been her ex's good enough replacement, the just in case guy, the fallback.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

The rebound.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

I don't think I can stay married knowing how I feel and how she feels. I love her. It feels too late for me to start over, but I know now that I'll never be happy with her like I would have wanted. Am I the asshole for wanting a divorce?

SPEAKER_03 8:53

You're obviously not the asshole.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

That's sad.

SPEAKER_03 8:56

Oh no, that is sad because this was the girl that since high school he knew he wanted, and they took a, you know, took some time apart and they found each other again. And that doesn't happen a lot. I mean, that really doesn't happen a lot. And so it is really sad that um they found each other again and it just wasn't what they both wanted.

SPEAKER_00 9:19

And it just sucks because, like, from what he's saying, they kind of had a little bit of distance after high school. Maybe she went to another college, out of state. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

And so they grew apart, but they never lost contact with one another. So for him to like be there and support her through her marriage, even though he was like, I don't want to meet the guy. Totally fair. That's not crazy for him to not want to meet the guy. But he was so supportive and like being one of those friends. He was a friend. Yeah, he was there for her. I really appreciate that he's the type of guy that talks about, yes, I'm in love with this woman, but that's not all she is to me. She's just not, she's not just a possible romantic experience or a lover. She was a friend. Yeah, she's a friend. And I feel like there's a lot of times where people have a difficulty separating the fact that they have a crush on their friend from their friendship, and it breaks something in them because they're not able to proceed. So for him to be able to like put his ego aside and still be there for her after her divorce, even though he wasn't sure if it was gonna go in a way that he would have desired, yeah, is really, really sweet and like kind of I don't want to say it's noble, but it like kind of is it's like a rare trait.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

It's not it, it kind of reminds me of uh of our relationship, or like it reminds me of our friendship, how we started becoming friends, because when we became friends, you were in a relationship. Yeah, and I just liked you as a friend. You know what I mean? I I was obviously if you were single, things probably would have been different, like the trajectory probably would have been different. But I was also like, you know what? I just really like hanging out with this girl. I love her as a friend, and that's totally fine. If we're just gonna be friends, that's totally fine. I wouldn't lay let it stop my life because we're not together, or I wouldn't let it completely crush our friendship because I want to be in a relationship with you, you know. I think that a lot of people think that they're just like, if you have this little crush on your friend or whatever, which I feel like is normal.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

It's normal.

SPEAKER_03 11:13

It's probably normal. Like if you guys are uh so compatible that you would have a great friendship, then you guys would probably be a compatible relationship too, you know? And so that probably crosses your mind. But it's normal to just be like, yeah, but I just like her, I like her as a friend and I like her like that, but I'll take her as just a friend too.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

But what if we had me and my ex had broken up and I started dating a new guy? Would you have been able to stomach that?

SPEAKER_03 11:39

If you weren't the next guy, you just crushed my now scratch that, everything I just said. No, I'm you have been able to stomach that um pro probably. Like I I wouldn't, but I'm also not the type of guy that gets so fixated on someone that it's like she's the only one for me. I need her. And if she doesn't want me back, then screw her, and you know what I mean? I wouldn't be spiteful, you know.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

But would you still be able to be in my life?

SPEAKER_03 12:07

Yeah, I think so. Oh, I think it would, I mean, that's very sweet. Yeah, it nothing would change really because we were friends before. And if you just got in a relationship with a new guy, yeah, then you know, I'd sabotage him.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

But back to back to our guy here, having sex and then saying your ex's name is a big no-no after you've been searching him and top 10 violation in that relationship. And I think that like it was easy for her to move on when she was able to remove herself from the lifestyle, but now seeing another woman who's getting the same treatment that she was getting is now making her like miss it. Like, oh man, should I just have forgiven him for the cheating? And honestly, I'm not gonna lie. I understand that mindset. Like, if if we were, if we were suit, if you, right? Yeah, if I was just plain Jane and you were super balling out of control, flying me wherever I wanted to, nice ass houses, incredible family wealth, and you cheated on me, yeah, it would be, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna say it would, it would be so hard to walk away from that lifestyle.

SPEAKER_03 13:13

Well, there are women that's a big choice. We'll just go through that and I know that's true, you know, kind of weigh out their options.

SPEAKER_00 13:19

I'd leave, but I ruin your life first. But I'd leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

But I can also save up my allowance first and then I'd get out of there. Okay. Yeah, but and then there's, you know, there's I think a good amount of men who are really successful like that, yeah, who just expect women to be cool with whatever they want to do. That's true. You know, if you're taking care of them financially, that's kind of the trade-off, you know. Um I mean that and that's horrible. You know, that's a horrible thing to put over somebody financial uh stability for you to be able to be able to financial abuse. You know, you're you're offering them financial stability for you to kind of go and do whatever you want and be with whoever you want, which is horrible. And it seems like this is that type of guy. And he probably went and found a girl who's down for it.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Probably, you know, it's just so devastating. Like, I I feel first of all, no, you're not the asshole for wanting a divorce. Not at all. You are not the asshole for wanting a divorce. If you feel like in your relationship that no matter what it is that you do, you'll never amount to anything that your partner truly wants or desires. Yeah. If you don't feel in your heart that you are enough, that you are showing up as enough, and that your partner is grateful to have you, then you should absolutely leave that relationship because there's no reason that in a partnership where you are planning to spend your life with somebody, you should second guess at all if you're the right person for them, if you if they like you enough, if you're just a rebound, are you just the good enough safe guy? Yeah, or the guy that she's familiar with. And I think the situation that has unfolded here is that she dated this awesome guy, super awesome because he's rich and all these things. And then, you know, the guy that she was dating, obviously he sounds fun, awesome, well off, well traveled, all these things. That's a very luxurious and marketable lifestyle to women. Women love that. But that's not to say that you are not also, this guy is not also amazing and fun and smart in his own way.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

It seems like he's pretty successful in his own right. So yeah. Enough to take care of the both of them if they needed to. You know, that's that's a lot.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

It is a lot. Yeah. It's just sad that it seems that she chose him as the path of least resistance because he's familiar versus really being in love with him.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

And I would be devastated to find out that I was not your dream girl. That would break me if you were my dream guy and we finally got together after all these years, and I had been like dreaming and fantasizing and thinking about what our life could be like together, and I finally was able to get you, and you were just like, Oh, I missed my ex. She was really my dream person. You're just the runner up. That would devastate me. I don't understand how people can come back from that. I personally don't believe that you could be with somebody that's not your dream partner. Am I who's your dream girl?

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Looking at her, baby. Come on.

SPEAKER_00 16:06

That was a test. Am I really your dream girl?

SPEAKER_03 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:08

Why?

SPEAKER_03 16:09

I mean, it it's it's kind of like it just naturally happened. You know, I didn't have like a bunch of boxes that I wanted to check off. It was just like, oh wow, she does this to me, she does this for me. She's beautiful, obviously. She checked, you just started checking all the boxes naturally, you know, throughout our relationship. It was boxes that I didn't even know could be there. Got checked. That's so sweet. Yeah, so I mean, you just naturally became my dream girl or my soulmate, whatever you want to call it, you know. But I really do think that um the person that's gonna be your soulmate, you're gonna have a foundation of friendship with. You guys are gonna know each other on another level outside of your relationship. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Why do you think that that's important?

SPEAKER_03 16:57

I think it's just good to know the person, especially before you start dating them.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

Uh, you get a little background on them, you know uh their personality, you kind of, and especially when you see them interact with other women or other men, you know, you get kind of like a peek of how they are as as as a uh uh boyfriend or girlfriend or how they react how they interact with other women and stuff. You kind of get a good um all-around check on who the person is.

SPEAKER_00 17:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 17:25

You know, I think that's important.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Love. Hell yeah. Well, you're my dream, my dream boy. Hey, no, you're my dream guy, you're so sweet.

SPEAKER_03 17:33

My dream boy.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Yeah, it's like dream girl, dream guy, dream boy.

SPEAKER_03 17:37

Um, but I it seems like this girl, her focus was elsewhere for what she was looking for in a husband. And you know, it just it didn't align with your guys' focus.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

What would you do if we were having relations and I accidentally said another man's name? Specifically an ex's name, not just another man, is what I'm saying, Janny Tatum. It's like, oops, that's funny. Yeah, but like, I mean, maybe it's not funny, but but like Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:07

I think it would throw me off, unless we're doing some role play. Okay, like jump right in. To my oh you're talking about your ex's name. If it was my ex's name. Okay, you said like you said just a random name.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

But um well, if it was a random name, I feel like it'd be like different.

SPEAKER_03 18:22

Yeah, but if it was an ex's name, well, if it was like an ex's name and it happened nine years into our relationship, yeah, that's a little different than it happening in the first like year of our relationship. Yeah, because then I'd be like, okay, maybe you're not over him. Yeah, but at this point, I'm like, you're you're pretty far gone past over him. Yeah, you know, so I'd be like, maybe she was just scrolling and saw his name on Instagram and thought about it or something. Wow, I wouldn't like assume that you're thinking about him and picturing him, you know.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

I wouldn't Wow, you're so emotionally intelligent. Me, no.

SPEAKER_03 18:59

If you if you called me your ex's name during sex, even nine years in to our relationship, especially nine years in, Grant. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

I mean, both of our names do start with the first same letter, but they're not the same name at all. And if you accidentally call first of all, you don't even say my name at all. You just call me baby sexy, whatever the hell we're doing, right? So if you said her name, we'd have a huge problem.

SPEAKER_03 19:28

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

No, I now I'm mad. Wait a minute. That hypothetical scenario just pissed me off. Um I I think that you should divorce. Just to wrap this up, I think that you should, I want to say divorce. Besties, y'all can let us know how you feel. I just personally like if your wife is constantly stacking you up against other mates that she's had in the past, yeah, and it makes you feel as though you're not good enough, and then also you have the experience of she was talking so well about this guy when they were dating, but she doesn't talk about me like that to me. Your wife never compliments you, she doesn't make you feel good about yourself, she's only comparing you to what you don't have, even if it's subliminally, even if she's not outright saying, Oh, you can't take me here, you can't do this. If she's saying another man did this for her and he took me on trips and he was able to buy me luxurious bags, and you know that you're not able to provide those things, she's throwing it in your face, and you cannot build a future with this person. And you're 37, you're 37, you're not that old. Her focus is elsewhere, her focus is elsewhere. Yeah, so I hope that you find somebody that you're truly in love with and that truly is in love with you and values you. You do seem like a good guy. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 20:40

So you'll you'll find it. You'll find it.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

You're not just the best case guy. Yeah, you're not the fallback.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

You'll find somebody where you both of you guys align.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Yeah, go be somebody's dream guy. It's time. Okay, next.

SPEAKER_03 20:51

Next.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Hey, hanging out forever. I need your advice. I'm a 26-year-old lady, a mother of two beautiful girls and a corporate girly. Eh, that was the emoji she put.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

I have two baby daddies, and the first one is a deadbeat, but we communicate really well. The second baby daddy is very, very present. He's such a good guy and a good dad. Now, here's the problem. He thinks him being a good dad, he's also a good boyfriend. Oh, I guess she's with him.

SPEAKER_02 21:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Okay, it sounds like they're together. Okay. I beg to differ. Like I mentioned earlier, he's a good guy and a good dad, but he's not a good boyfriend. We've been together, there it is. We've been together five years, and I feel like we are not ready for marriage. He wanted to get married, and I turned down the proposal without even thinking about it. I don't see myself getting married to someone who is emotionally unavailable, who puts other people first before me, and who doesn't even care how his family's hate towards me hurts.

SPEAKER_03 21:45

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

From the day we started dating, the people in his life were very involved in our relationship. They knew what we were doing, where, and how, which I found really annoying. Every time we went on dates, his family and friends knew, but they didn't know who was paying for the dates, like taking care of the bill and always. Giving a tip to the waiter. I was paying for those things. I didn't mind paying for the dates, but sometimes it did annoy me because his friends and family kept telling him that I'm with him for the money. Oh bliss. Listen, let's interrupt this for a second. There is nothing more than a broke man is gonna do than convince you that he is with you for the money. Where do these broke men get this imaginary money? Oh my God, women are just women are just trying to get me for my money.

SPEAKER_03 22:29

So they they assume that he's paying for everything when it seems like she is.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

So well, he he so you know what? Maybe I jumped the gun. It sounds like he couldn't clean it, he didn't clean it up. Yeah. But anyway, I don't mind paying for the dates sometimes, but it annoyed me because his family and friends kept telling him that I was with him for the money. Like, what do you mean I want his money while I'm the one paying for our dates? I didn't mind paying for the dates and buying him gifts because I was teaching him how to love me.

SPEAKER_03 22:57

By buying gifts, girl, we need to have a talk. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

Clearly, that didn't work out. I stopped initiating dates and buying him gifts and asked me why this guy had the nerve to ask me when he's getting his next gift. I'm gonna start tweaking.

SPEAKER_03 23:13

That's funny.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

I just felt like he was entitled to me spoiling him. When I wanted to break up with him, unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant. So I had to keep my second baby and hoped he'd change. Okay. So she has two girls now.

SPEAKER_03 23:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

But the second girl she got from this guy.

SPEAKER_03 23:29

When she was thinking about breaking up with him. Okay, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Because I thought she already had two kids and this was a third. Okay. So my second baby, so I had to keep my second baby and hoped he'd change. Well, I was dumb.

SPEAKER_03 23:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

The self-awareness in here, though, girl, it's self-aware. I will give you that.

SPEAKER_03 23:45

Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

He became worse. I'd go to the doctor's appointments alone because he was scared to get attached to the baby. Once he had a he had a baby before we were together, and that baby passed away when she was only two weeks old. I understood where he was coming from, but I also needed him emotionally. Every time I had cravings, I'd ask him to go get me some of whatever I was craving. He'd get the food, but still complain about how expensive it was, even if it was just ice cream. If his friends and family asked him for something, though, he'd jump without even asking how high. That's when I realized that he always put other people before me. I accepted that and tried not to let it get to me. Long story short, I gave birth to our daughter and everything felt so perfect. Unfortunately, not for long. His mom always had a say in my daughter's life. These boy moms, uh lock him up.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

We've already gone through that. We've been through it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

His mom always had a say in my daughter's life, which I didn't mind at first, but some decisions just needed me and him alone. Yeah, duh. The parents. Whenever I'd try to raise concerns with him, he'd lose his mind. He'd say, I have a problem with his mom, and if I don't get along with his mom, we might as well break up. I was shattered because clearly I had no say in my daughter's life. There was a period in my life where I was unemployed for a while and I'd ask him for money. He'd tell me he doesn't have any, and I would understand. Only for him to still go out and gallivant with friends and drink the whole weekend. I eventually got a job in another city and I've been so much at peace. Ever since I moved to the new place, he knows I got a good job and now he wants to be a present boyfriend. He's trying to run it back for them gifts.

SPEAKER_03 25:20

He wants some gifts.

SPEAKER_00 25:21

I've already detached myself emotionally and mentally from the relationship. He always would try to gaslight me on some, yeah, I knew that money would change you. Oh, yeah, you're stable now. You don't want me in your life anymore.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Boo, this guy fucking boo. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Um, I stopped needing anything from you way before I relocated to another city. The sad thing about this situation is now he's busy painting me as a bad person in our community. He's going around telling people that I have an older man who's sponsoring my life and I'm cheating on him. He also is telling people that his salary is going into my account and I am not giving him money. Like, why even lie like that?

SPEAKER_03 25:58

Yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

Why pay me out as a gold?

SPEAKER_03 26:00

Why is his salary going into your life? Why does that make any sense? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:04

Some people just lie.

SPEAKER_03 26:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

Um, why pay me out as a gold digger when I've been taking care of myself? I have been telling him we should break up, but he refuses. He says he'll unalive himself if I break up with Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:24

I hate that.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

I hate it.

SPEAKER_03 26:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:26

When men, when anybody does that.

SPEAKER_03 26:28

Yeah. A lot of men do that though.

SPEAKER_00 26:29

A lot of men do that. Yeah. But but I think also a lot of men talk about a lot of women talk about that men do that, but women probably do it too, just men aren't talking about it online. So um he says he'll unalive himself if I break up with him, and he's gonna write a note stating that I'm the reason why he did it. So, how do I manage this situation? I feel trapped. I don't want to be with him for the sake of our daughter. I feel like we can co-parent really well. If he could just accept that what we had is finished, I'm already hated by his entire family and friend group, and him offing himself will just make this even worse. Please advise. Oh, I also suggested relationship counseling for us, but he told me he doesn't need it and that a relationship is perfectly fine.

SPEAKER_03 27:12

Yeah, sure. That's perfectly normal. Deep. Yeah, that is deep. I think for the whole like offing themselves situation, anybody who's in that situation, get it in text messages and then bring it to the authorities. Bring it, take it to the cops, and they'll lock him up for they'll put him on a hold.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:33

But then it's also it's not on your conscience, it's not on you. You know, you've already given it to the cops, you've done your due diligence, now you can ro walk away from it. You know, because somebody who's holding you, who's manipulating you in that way.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:48

It's the like the that's the darkest way you can manipulate somebody.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

I think so too.

SPEAKER_03 27:52

Is saying that you're gonna take your own life if they try to break up with you or if they try to do something that you don't want to do. That's insane.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

That's a major red flag. Obviously, there's a ton of red flags here. Yeah. Let's let's start backwards. Um, yeah, you being with somebody who's if you're with somebody who's threatening to unalive themselves because you no longer want to date them, you need to figure out a way for you to leave that relationship as safely as you possibly can. Because most of the time, uh somebody that is going to threaten to unalive themselves to keep you in their life is gonna do one of two things. They're actually gonna do it, yeah, or they're gonna do it and they're gonna take you with them.

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 28:33

And that is the most dangerous situation you can be in. Like you can't be with somebody that is emotionally turbulent in such a way that they are hoarding, that they are lording over you the end of their life so that they can manipulate you into staying with them. I think that's such a terrifying situation to be in. And honestly, a lot of people who threaten that are not gonna do it. So I guess it's one of three things. But a lot of people who threaten that aren't gonna do it. It's not as though That's the thing.

SPEAKER_03 28:56

Yeah, this guy sounds like seems like a freaking coward, too. So I don't think he's gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

He's not gonna do it.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

Back to what I said, like just get as much evidence as you possibly can, text messages, record phone calls of him saying these things, and then give that to his people or to the authorities.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

I don't think that his people would be on his side her side, but I do think that she should take that to the authorities and potentially do some sort of involve a lawyer and the court in some way, because there has to be legal documentation that showcases why this guy is not a stable father.

SPEAKER_03 29:30

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

And I know you said you guys co-parent really well. I don't personally know how well you can co-parent with somebody who's threatening to unalive themselves because you no longer want to be with them.

SPEAKER_03 29:39

And is bashing her name to their community and stuff like that, you know. He it seems like he's already doing he's already trying to ruin your freaking life and you're still with him. Just just end it, just get out of there.

SPEAKER_00 29:50

As safely as you can. It sounds like you're in a new city. Hopefully, he does not know where you live.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

He probably does, though, if they're still together.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

Well, I did it sounded like she to me, it sounded like she moved to a new city, he's in the old city, yeah, and they're doing like a long distance thing. It didn't sound like they're living together to me.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Yeah, but he probably knows the location. He does know the location. So, yeah, exactly. Just be as safe as possible, gather as much evidence as you can, and take that to the freaking courts, man. Get a uh restraining order or something on him.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

And we already talked about crazy boy moms in the last episode, but there's this debate online, and this is what I believe a lot of people are saying like, oh, when you get married to a woman, your mom still comes first. Here's the hierarchy. I totally disagree with that. Grant, as a man, I would like to know what your hierarchy is. There's this conversation.

SPEAKER_03 30:44

Then mom.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:47

But if you had a child, because people are like, oh, the child always becomes always wife, child, mother. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Why is that your hierarchy?

SPEAKER_03 30:56

Because, you know, I love my mom and she did a great job at of raising me and being a parent to me. And eventually you move on and you create your own family. That's just how it goes. And then you have to always put your own personal family first. Like you just do, you know. Obviously, if you're with somebody that you freaking don't like or you hate, you're not going to put that person before your family or before your mom or your parents, whatever. Your child. But if you genuinely love your wife and you genuinely love your family that you're creating, you should always put them first.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

Why do you feel like the wife goes first? Even before a child, why do you feel like the wife goes first?

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Well, me personally, I don't we don't have a child yet. So I don't know that. Well, you know what I mean? I don't know that kid. I don't know him. I or know them, you know. I know you, and we've created such a bond that you're my family now, and we're going to create a family together. So you come first. You know, we're the creators of the family. We have to come first. My wife comes first.

SPEAKER_00 31:59

I like that answer. I think it's interesting because, you know, he's stacking you up against his mom and painting you out to be the villain in a situation where you are a hundred percent the victim. Yeah. And for him to allow you to pay his bills, to take him on dates, and then when you finally get a better paying job, he's trying to run back to you so that he can continue um reaping the spoils of your efforts is absolutely ridiculous and insane. I don't believe that you can be man or woman, I don't think that you can be with somebody that sees how hard you work, never does anything to encourage you, never does anything to take the load off of you, but only wants to come in and reap the benefits of all of your efforts. I don't feel like that's a sustainable relationship, no matter what the dynamic is. If it's a man going out there and working hard and the woman is not working, whatever, if she's raising the kids, that is still effort, that is still work being done. So I I feel as though there's a lot of people. I feel like I don't think it's fair to, first of all, buying a man gifts is okay. You can buy your man gifts, you can take your man out on dates, but all the time, yeah. No, a man's gifts gotta go both ways. It's gotta go 80% your way, 20% my way with the dates and stuff.

SPEAKER_03 33:18

Yeah, oh, like I'm giving you 80% of dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

Is that messed up?

SPEAKER_03 33:22

No, that makes sense to me.

SPEAKER_00 33:23

No, does it actually?

SPEAKER_03 33:24

I like the idea of that, but um I take you on dates.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Yeah, I buy you gifts.

SPEAKER_03 33:29

Well, you do, yeah. Yeah, you do. I think it's pretty equal too. Oh I don't know, right?

SPEAKER_00 33:36

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 33:37

I don't know. Well, when we just like go to dinner and stuff, I I typically just pay for that.

SPEAKER_00 33:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:42

Yeah. So I mean, but when it's like a whole thing, I think we do that for each other. We do a good amount. You're right.

SPEAKER_00 33:48

Sorry. Not to put the 80% on you, you're right. Um, I had to keep the second baby hoping that he would change. Yeah. I was dumb. I don't want to agree with the fact that you were dumb. I'm not saying what you were and what you weren't, but I am saying that you have a lot of situational awareness and accountability that throughout the story I feel like you were taking. And I I think that's so rare a lot of the times, is most people tell the story from one perspective. They're saying, like, oh, he's this, he's this. But I think it's very open-minded and emotionally intellectual, intelligent, and emotionally intelligent for you to sit there and be like, you know what, I played my part in enabling him to feel like he could treat me this way. Um, I always say, if you let them slip once, they're gonna think they could slide. Never let men slide. You can't let them slide once. And the way that a man thinks such a good slide. I got it from this rapper, I think. But um, but it's true. And I think that the thing is with men, is you have to train men how to treat you. And if you accept poor treatment from them, they're gonna default to that every single time. But if you draw a line in the sand, they'll either continue trying to treat you like crap or you leave. But there are some people who aren't able to draw a boundary with men because they're searching for companion or anybody really, but we're talking about men in this listener letter. There's a lot of women who have a difficulty drawing a boundary in their relationship and in their love lives with men because they're so focused on companionship in any form that they'll take it in whatever way it presents itself.

SPEAKER_01 35:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

And I just believe that a man that makes jokes at your expense is a red flag. A man that's totally okay with you paying all the bills and you carrying the load is a red flag. If you're a stay-at-home mom, a man that doesn't see how much work that is is a red flag. And this might be controversial, but uh men who shadow box, men who literally go up to their women and go bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I see that online all the time. Yeah, that's a red flag. Why are we playing games like you finna hit me? I hate that. Like there was this um, I think it was like an influencer couple, and she was just standing there, like ordering a drink at some takeout, like a stream or some shit.

SPEAKER_01 36:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:02

And he went up to her and he goes, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Oh, let me, let me, let me fix these. He goes up to her and he goes, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And I'm like, why are we cosplaying physical abuse? If you came up to me and you were constantly trying to like shadow box me or give me freaking noogies and putting me in a full Nelson, we'd be done. We're not gonna do this play fight physical abuse thing to make you feel comfortable. I just feel like it it emboldens men to feel like they can actually hit you one day. If you walked up to me and you were like, boom, I'd be like, don't play that game with me. Yeah, you're gonna lose a whim playing that game with me. So, anyway, that's my story.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

Okay. Yeah, I got you.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

What are your thoughts?

SPEAKER_03 36:40

On what? I mean, you lost me there at the end.

SPEAKER_00 36:43

I did, why?

SPEAKER_03 36:44

No, I I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

I just I'm it's just all about men need boundaries.

SPEAKER_03 36:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:51

And if you do not give a man boundaries in the relationship, he's gonna treat you however he decides you should be treated. You have to establish how you want to be treated.

SPEAKER_03 36:59

I think there's a lot of people, especially nowadays, who don't even want to deal with any type of confrontation in their relationships. Like it's really hard for them, especially people who are getting in new relationships, because I think it's so hard to find a relationship now and get on the same page with another person that you'll kind of just deal with it. You'll take you'll take anything, you know. I think that the standards are getting lower and lower nowadays because it's getting harder and harder to find a relationship. And so I think that can be really detrimental, obviously, in the long run of a relationship. If you guys aren't setting boundaries and confronting each other when it's needed, that that can really, you know, hurt you as a person too. You can be like genuinely scarred from a relationship where you didn't put your foot down, right? Yeah, you know, yeah. So I think that people just need to learn that like healthy confrontation and setting healthy boundaries with one another. I think that's really important. And it seems like uh she couldn't really do that with this guy.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Yeah, I mean, she does say she feels trapped.

SPEAKER_03 38:05

Yeah, and I mean, well, yeah, because they got a kid. I know, but and you know, it seems like anytime she tries to set a boundary, she's met with some manipulative tactic that he has, you know, threatening to off himself or do something drastic like that. You can't really confront somebody that's threatening that, you know. So that's why I say get as much evidence against this guy to where you could use it against him in court or even just use it against him to show his people who how he really is, because he's portraying her as the villain. She needs to swap that narrative, you know.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

And I I I don't want to tell you to move again because moving is hard and difficult, but I would not want this man to know where I lived and I don't want him to know where you live. And I think in order to have a relationship with his daughters, if that's what he wants, I just I just worry that somebody so volatile to threaten to off themselves would easily off the people around them as well.

SPEAKER_01 39:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

And I'm nervous for your daughter as you know, if he's threatening to get back with you, is he gonna be like, oh, I'm gonna off me and her if you don't stay with me? Like, is he getting his own weekends and visitation with your child and then saying these things to you while she is with him? And then also, like coming from somebody, me, me, coming from my experience, my parents got divorced and it was just totally toxic. Each side of the family was always talking shit about the other. And I don't think that that's a healthy environment for a child to grow up in. No. So I would manage that relationship with his mother as much as humanly possible. I would make sure that whoever your your um whatever your community is, whatever your village is, I would make sure that my children had direct access to those people. I personally would not have this. I know he's the dad or whatever, but you again, you have to go to court.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

I wouldn't allow his mom to pick up these children from school. I would not allow him to pick up these children from school. And I would pursue this legally. I think that's the safest way to draw a line in the sand to protect yourself and your children. And I think it might be one of the only ways to get out of feeling trapped because this guy is a total like malignant narcissist.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

And it doesn't matter what you say to him, how much counseling you could possibly get, he's never gonna meet you there.

SPEAKER_01 40:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:23

And the only way to move forward healthier is to have somebody um mediate your relationship with this man.

SPEAKER_03 40:33

Yeah, and he's clearly unhinged. And yeah, yeah, like you were saying, make sure that you're not letting him skew the narrative when it comes to your daughter.

SPEAKER_02 40:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:42

Like you do not let him pin you against her.

SPEAKER_00 40:46

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 40:46

You know, so yeah, definitely worth taking to court, getting a visitation.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Yep, yep. And then the last thing we'll say is shout out to you, girl. Love that you have two beautiful daughters. Thank you for sharing. Shout out to that corporate girly lifestyle. Congratulations on your new job and moving into a new city and moving to a new place, though. Because I don't want this man knowing where you live. Okay. Next, last and not least, we have a lot of men sharing today, which is great. Men should talk about their feelings more, they should set healthy boundaries that are not rooted in ego more, and they should share more. Okay. So this one is my wife hates my body. Yeah. Since 2021, my job has been fully work from home, and unfortunately, I've gained some weight, like 60 pounds. And this is something she reminds me of constantly. We used to be one of those gym couples, and something she seemed to love about me was my body and how attractive I was to other women. She had a really big thing for it. If we went out and women would look at me or stare, it always turned her on. And I thought that was hot. I felt great about my body and my relationship and my life. I went from being about 5'11 at 190 to being like 250. And I'm not gonna lie, the weight has been very hard for me to lose. I used to be a fat kid, did a lot of stress and binge eating, and got bullied for it brutally. So being in great shape was important to me once I grew up. I didn't think I'd ever go back to that version of myself until my sister was in an accident in 2021. It fucked me up. When you're a twin, everything that happens feels like it's happening to the both of you. I don't know how to explain it, but after that, I felt like I had to be more responsible for my sister. And she didn't expect that from me, but I did it anyway. I became her caretaker for a few years until she was able to recover, helping her with her rent, helping her adjust to what her new life was, grieving with her, and I changed my job to work from home to be there for her. No one knew if she would ever fully recover. And during that time, it was fucking terrible. Not to care for her, but to see her helpless in that way because she had a traumatic brain injury that impacted how she walked. Oh man. My wife was pregnant at that time too. So financially, emotionally, and mentally, it was too much for me. That and working from home made it too easy for me to start coping with food. I convinced myself I could always quit and stop eating, get back in the gym and lose the weight, but I never did. Now my sister is fine and I look like this, and my wife hates it. Oh no. But when we had our son, she went right back to the gym and got her body back together. She looks great and I'm happy for her. I'm attracted to her and always have been, but she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. She suggested I get on Ozimpic, which I don't want to do. She tried to suggest personal training and other things. I just haven't felt motivated on my own to do it. I want to, but I feel like I'm back to being a fat kid trapped in my own body. She's told me she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. She misses other women being into me and doesn't understand why. I just won't lose the weight. Whenever we're out and see another guy in shape, she comments on it. Stuff like, I remember when you used to look like that.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

Oof.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

Or wow, he looks great.

SPEAKER_03 44:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

It hurts my feelings, obviously, but it feels emasculating, telling her that for some reason. She's always comparing my body to other guys, commenting on it. And I even catch her looking at my stomach like it makes her sick.

SPEAKER_03 44:12

Oh man.

SPEAKER_00 44:13

She doesn't want to go on dates, have sex, and it feels like she doesn't even want to be seen with me. She's very distant. She thinks I'm making excuses because she was able to carry our son, give birth, and get her body back, but I can't do the same. I understand her frustration, but I don't feel like I can focus on that right now. Almost losing my sister traumatized me. And I don't think she realizes that I'm still recovering from that.

SPEAKER_02 44:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

I know she loves me, but I'm feeling like her love for me started with how I looked and not who I am. She has been patient. She has been patient and asked me to get back in shape over the years and has even tried to motivate me, but I just feel like I can't. She seems fed up with asking, and I'm starting to feel like I'm only good in our marriage for how I look. She's becoming more flirty with guys that look how I used to, and complains about not being sexually attracted to me and how frustrating that is for her. Sometimes I try to think about her perspective and if I would react the same way, but I don't think I would. I love my wife. She's always been fun, but I'm starting to realize that fun is not the only thing that matters in a relationship. And before we got married, we never went through anything hard. I'm worried that she will only support me as long as she's attracted to me and that the life we've built together isn't what I thought. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice would help.

SPEAKER_03 45:30

Dang. That's pretty deep. That got deep there at the end there.

SPEAKER_00 45:33

I know.

SPEAKER_03 45:34

Of you know, if if our relationship is fully based on attractiveness, what happens if something seriously happens to me, you know, or if I get disabled or if something like that happens to me?

SPEAKER_00 45:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:47

Yeah, man, that makes sense. I mean yeah, I think that one, I think if you were able to lose the weight before, like it seems like he went through a drastic weight loss before in his life. If you can do it before, he can do it again.

SPEAKER_02 46:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:01

You know, I think he can. I think that it's probably just taking a little time to get over the trauma that he experienced from, you know, almost losing his sibling in that way. But also you can't use that forever as an excuse.

SPEAKER_00 46:17

You know, I don't feel like it's an excuse. I feel like if something traumatic happens to somebody, yeah, and they go back to their coping mechanism, which is food, and they're back in a body that they're not necessarily happy with, but it also feels familiar to them because he said he used to be a fat kid growing up. I don't think it's something as simple as you can find a way to lose the weight. I think that what he's experiencing is rooted in trauma.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:43

And he needs counseling to get through it. I don't think it's just like, I don't feel like you're sexy anymore. Why aren't we having sex? I don't think that that's enough of a motivator for him to He doesn't need Ozimpic or a personal trainer.

SPEAKER_03 46:56

He needs a counselor. He needs a counselor.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

And so, like telling your husband, who's been through something traumatic, that I'm not sexually attracted to you, and I why aren't we having sex anymore? I don't want to have sex with your body type. That's not gonna inspire him to lose weight. It's only compounding the trauma he already felt because his sister sounds like she almost she could have died.

SPEAKER_03 47:17

Well, it seems like this was years after, though.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Well, like so he said in 2020, he said he's been working from home in 2021 because in 2021, his sister got in an accident, and that's when he transitioned to work from home so that he could like care for her and like pay the bills and be kind of on call for whatever she needed, is what it sounds like to me. Yeah, and so now I'm assuming that he's sharing this from the 2026 perspective. So that's five years. We don't know when he started gaining weight, but maybe 2022. So it's like four years.

SPEAKER_03 47:47

He said, you know, my sister's all good now.

SPEAKER_00 47:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:50

And, you know, my wife had a baby, snapped back in her weight loss, and I'm still like this. Yeah. So it seems like a good amount of time. Like, I'm not just gonna completely shit on the wife because it seems like she gave him a good amount of time to try to figure this thing out and probably was there for him, I'm assuming, yeah, during this whole thing with his sister. I'm sure she was there for him. You know, they had a kid in the meanwhile, like through all that. Um, I think it just kind of seems like she's like, dude, like try something, try to, you know, try Ozympic or try to get a trainer, or you know, she's trying to um bring him to the gym with her as well. And I think that that that's a healthy way to go about it is giving a lot of options and also being like, let's go together, you know, let's do it together. Um and the the one part where she's taking it too far is that she's flirting with other men, yeah, that's correct, comparing him to other men, you know, like that is taking it way too far.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

I think that's where it becomes more concerning.

SPEAKER_03 48:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:55

Because I'm not gonna lie and say, okay, hot take. I believe that there's two people who should be able to comment on your body your partner and your doctor. Anybody else, I don't give a shit. Don't talk to me about it. Yeah, right. I if I was too skinny and I wasn't healthy because I was not eating enough, or I was overeating and I was overweight, I would want you to tell me. Like, hey, like let's get in the gym. Hey, let's go do something. Like, hey, let's be aggressive. Because that's not my norm.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

Right?

SPEAKER_00 49:25

Neither of those are my norm. My baseline is this. So if I was gaining too much weight or losing too much weight, I would want you to tell me. And then also my doctor, I know there's a hot thing going on, like, doctors shouldn't tell you about your weight and they shouldn't make you feel like you're over. Listen, they should. Your doctor should be able to talk about your weight. Those are the two people who should be able to do it.

SPEAKER_02 49:45

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 49:46

But I think that it does depend on the place that it's coming from. So if you were commenting on my body and you're like, oh my God, if you were sitting there being like, Do you like looking like this? Are you in a degrading way? That's wrong.

SPEAKER_03 50:01

That is wrong.

SPEAKER_00 50:02

It's wrong. Yeah, that's very wrong.

SPEAKER_03 50:05

Not motivating. Yeah, no, it's not motivating. It's not motivating, it's not gonna motivate anybody.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

It's belittling, it's not motivating. I will say, I do understand where the wife is coming from because I understand, I fully understand being and wanting to be sexually attracted to your partner. Yeah. And if your partner no longer is presenting in a way that you find sexually attractive, I don't think it's wrong for you to express that.

SPEAKER_03 50:27

You should express that, I think. I think so too.

SPEAKER_00 50:29

Sorry, guys, hot take. But but where I think that the line needs to be drawn is when she starts comparing you to other men or like outwardly flirting with other guys in public and and walking past other men and being like, oh my God, remember when you used to look like that? No. And I think it's more difficult because he also has that compounded trauma of being bullied as a kid because he was a fat kid as well.

SPEAKER_03 50:53

That's where it comes into bullying. And that's where you know it it shifts into manipulating and it becomes just bully mentality instead of oh, I'm just keeping it real with you. Oh, I'm just letting you know what I need, you know, to satisfy my needs and things like that. That's where it takes it too far. And there's a lot of people that I think use that against people of like, oh, I'm just being real and open with you. But then it's like, no, you're just being like rude. You know what I mean? You're being harsh. And and so I think there's there's a thin line there, there really is, of just being like overly rude or overly harsh and and trying to, you know, put somebody down for how they look, where you should be bringing them up to to want to lose the weight or to want to do these things.

SPEAKER_00 51:42

I don't think it's that simple for everybody, though. I will say like you can't just motivate people in doing things that they don't want to do. Sometimes it just takes the right moment and time for them to get inspired. But for him, like almost almost losing a sibling is is I've never wait, I've never been through that. Knock on wood. Let's knock. We gotta knock on that wood. But I would imagine that if that sibling was a twin, that's even more jarring because like that's half of you. You have this like freaking you grew up in the womb together. Yeah, you have this soul bond. And I think that losing somebody and caretaking for somebody, you lose yourself in that. It's easy to lose yourself in that. And I don't think that she's giving him the grace that he needs to bounce back because maybe, and it doesn't seem like they've had any conversations about it, it doesn't seem like they've had the necessary conversations that would facilitate him being ready to step back into like his peak physique. Yeah. Right. And I think that I think that you need to go to counseling. I think it's terrible that your wife is comparing your body to other men and shoving that in your face and being disgusted with you. And also, I think that if you feel like if you feel like your relationship is only based and rooted in fun, then that's a really big deal. Like I think it'd be different if you and your wife had this deep bond and you could tell each other everything, and you're and maybe you are, you just didn't share that and you're super, super close.

SPEAKER_03 53:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:13

Right. And then she's saying those things. It becomes a little bit easier to forgive her when there's other things in the relationship that are foundational enough to let that slide. I'm not saying it's right, but there's other things that could possibly let that slide. But when you boil it down to I feel like my wife only likes me for my body, to me, that makes me feel as though it makes me assume that there's not much depth to you guys' relationship beyond the physical. Interesting. And I think that that's the biggest issue here is not his weight. It's that it he feels as though the only thing he has to offer in his relationship is his body. And as a woman, I totally feel sensitive to that because women are often taught that the best thing that we could lead with is our body. And so to feel as though that's all you are in your relationship as a man or a woman is completely dehumanizing and just belittling. And I think that it traps you in a mindset of being scared to do anything else or move forward or even bring it up to your partner. I think looks like you are just you seem you just feel like a body.

SPEAKER_03 54:14

Yeah. Well, I do think that like looks are really important in a relationship. And I think that people try to brush that off. Yeah. You know, like I think it it's really important at the end of the day. But also, I think she might be a little jaded and can't really see where he's coming from because she's like, dude, I had a baby.

SPEAKER_00 54:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:31

Like I went through some trauma as well in a different way.

SPEAKER_00 54:36

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:37

But mainly trauma with my body.

SPEAKER_02 54:39

Right.

SPEAKER_03 54:39

And I was able to snap it back. You know, so I think it's harder for her in that sense. Like, if she didn't have a child throughout that entire time, she probably, you know, would ease up on him, you know, because she she didn't go through something. That's a really interesting perspective.

SPEAKER_02 54:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:54

But, you know, the fact that she went through that, had a kid, and then went right back into the gym, got it snatched, whatever. Like, I think that she's jaded in a way. I can understand that. She's like, if I can have a freaking child, yeah, and and snap back, you can go through what you went through, obviously, and snap back as well. And he probably will. That's the thing. Like, he probably will. He'll get back to it.

SPEAKER_00 55:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:17

Um, because he's done it before, he said.

SPEAKER_00 55:20

So and I I agree. I think that's a really interesting point. Is if I was in a relationship and you had something happen to you, if we were in a relationship, which we are, and you had something happen to you, I would understand the trauma. But having a baby is so physically traumatic that I do a hundred percent understand why it would be difficult for me to see where you were coming from. Because both like I would be like, your body didn't go through anything traumatic, just your mentality because your sister, but your sister is the really the one who went through the physically demanding and traumatic experience. Yeah. What you had to do was show up and take care of her. So I do understand from that wife's perspective, given that um context, why it would be a little bit more difficult for her to give him grace on that. Again, I do believe that you should go get counseling. I hope this is not the end of your relationship and that we're just missing certain aspects, but nobody should just feel like a body in their relationship. You shouldn't just feel like a piece of meat that's only worthy when you're sexy. That's wrong. But I'm sorry that you're going through that. I really hope that you are able to get back into a body that you feel proud of, regardless of whether or not, or regardless of how your wife feels about it.

SPEAKER_01 56:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:29

And that's gonna be it, I think, for this listener letter episode, besties. Let us know what y'all think in the comments. Be honest as per usual. Give these people some advice. Maybe there's some things that we missed that you guys feel like is important to share. Grant, you have anything else?

SPEAKER_03 56:44

Um, no, just if you guys have any stories for us, any listener letters you want to send in, uh, the link is in the description and send them in and we'll keep them coming.

SPEAKER_00 56:54

All right, besties. We love y'all so much. Thank you for joining on another episode of the listener letters. You guys are the besties. Peace. Bye.