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Hanging Out 4ever
We couldn’t find a therapist, so we started a podcast. After 7 years of dating we nearly came to a breaking point and decided it was time to try something new, to talk about our feelings and record them. Our podcast is not the highlight reel of our relationship, it is our relationship, as authentic as possible. Dating and long term relationships can be difficult. Especially, when the internet seems so focused on only happy moments. We share our truth and hope it resonates with you and makes you feel less alone in the dating/ Long Term Relationship world.
Let's all figure this dating thing out together.✨
-Aja & Grant
WATCH US ON YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HangingOut4ever
Hanging Out 4ever
My Boyfriend’s Friends HATE Me | Listener Letters
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
This week the Besties had us talking about loyalty, breakups and HIGH standards. Because apparently keeping your boyfriend's friends' ex-girlfriends as friends is enough to get the entire friend group to hate you ðŸ˜
But the real question is... if your friends hate your partner, whose side are you supposed to be on?
Here are the letters Aja & Grant read:
- My Boyfriend's Friends Hate Me
- We Broke Up... But I Want Him Back
- Are My Standards Too High?
Comment your thoughts!
Thank you to the Besties who wrote in and were vulnerable enough to share their stories.
Besties, let us know what y'all think on this one!
-Grant & Aja
My boyfriend's friends hate me. I still have relationships with a lot of his friends' exes. Am I the asshole?
SPEAKER_02You should never let your friends talk down on your girl ever.
SPEAKER_00Our relationship ended because we had fallen into an unhealthy dynamic and resentment began to build.
SPEAKER_02There were times where I was like, her standards are too high here? Is she expecting too much? I'm like, no, she expects a lot from me because she believes in me.
SPEAKER_00You have to leave certain things in the past, and resentment is the hardest thing to overcome in a relationship. What's up, y'all? Welcome to the Hanging Out Forever Podcast. My name is Asia Corinne, your host. I'm here with my lovely boyfriend of nine plus years and co-host.
SPEAKER_02Grant Blackwell. Sorry, I was just mesmerized. Just looking at you. I was though. I was just looking at you. I'm like, oh my gosh, she's so cute. God damn.
SPEAKER_00Tell me something nice.
SPEAKER_02You're beautiful. You're smart. You're intelligent. And we had an amazing day yesterday.
SPEAKER_00We did have an amazing day yesterday.
SPEAKER_02We had a nice little uh stroll through this. I don't even know what it is. A gardens. Yeah, it was so nice. And um, we just needed a day that was just for us, and we could go outside and enjoy each other. And then we went to a bar after and we had a little drink, a little cocktail, because we've been going really hard with no drinking and dieting and things like that. So it was just nice to get out and just kind of have some time for us. It was great.
SPEAKER_00And don't let anybody tell you that it's not a man's responsibility to like plan dates or that men don't care about dates or that you have to force a man to take you on a date. We were I like literally was just planning on just being in the house all day Sunday and getting some work done. And I wake up and Grant was like, I found something fun for us to do immediately, yes, because my favorite thing to do is go places you invite me to. I don't know what it is, but whenever you invite me to do something, I'm like, okay, yeah, that sounds great. Even if it's like snuggle. You want to snuggle? I'd be like, I would love to do whatever you want me to do.
SPEAKER_02I think it we just needed something, you know, we needed some time for us, and we needed to get out of the house. And it was just time.
SPEAKER_00It was time, and it was nice too. So, like, you guys don't forget that you should prioritize your relationships and make sure that you're making time for one another because I'm the type of person, like, I want to talk about how much you love me, and I want to talk about how much I love you, and I wanted to just spend like hours talking about it. And it's been a really long time since I felt like we connected intimately. So it was really nice for you to spontaneously plan something so sweet. And initiate something like that. Initiate something sweet for us to do that was really intentional. And we walked through the park and we talked about our feelings and talked about like where we see ourselves in 12 years, yeah, our future and stuff and it was like.
SPEAKER_02That's crazy.
SPEAKER_00Isn't that so insane?
SPEAKER_02It's crazy to think about, but yeah, if you guys are feeling like cooped up in the house, or you're feeling cooped up in the relationship almost, or you feel like you guys need some breathing air, then you know, make space for that. Yeah, it's really important too. So I, you know, I'm glad that I that just it just popped in my head. Yeah, you know, that and I was literally laying in bed late at night and I was like, what are some fun things we can find and do? You know, it took me maybe like 30 minutes to find something. So it's easy, guys. You can find something and you can get out there and you know, make some space for yourselves, and your partner and each other, yes, okay.
SPEAKER_00And don't forget to tell somebody how much you love them. And just because you've been together for 10 plus years does not mean, or five or whatever, does not mean that the love will subside because I'm still obsessed with this man. We've been together for nine years, and there are some times where I look at you and I'm like, wow, how lucky am I to wake up in the morning next to this guy?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02I just feel the connection growing more and more every year. And I think that I've heard a lot of people talk about this of where your relationship should continue to um change in the sense of like it feels new, you know, like every maybe couple years or every few years, it should feel new and different. And I feel like it feels different every time we hit some type of point, you know. And um, I just love that. I just love that we have this kind of like reload or this refresh every couple years or a few years, and it just changes like the love I have for you, it changes our connection and just it really just changes our bond.
SPEAKER_00I love that you're not tired of me and that you still love me so much.
SPEAKER_02That's the thing, I'm not tired. 10 years, still not tired of her at all. Like I know.
SPEAKER_00Sometimes I'll wake up and then we'll get to the listener letters. Yeah, yeah, we're getting to the listener letters.
SPEAKER_02Don't worry, guys. You're on the right episode. You're on the right episode.
SPEAKER_00But there are some times where I'll wake up in the morning, Grant's just staring at me like this.
SPEAKER_02He's like, I can't help myself.
SPEAKER_00I'll be like, My God, you're beautiful.
SPEAKER_02And I'm like, or I'll actually be sleeping, and you'll I like waking you up like that, just like touching your face, and I'm like, hey, just whispering to you.
SPEAKER_00I know it's so sweet. One of my favorite things that you do that I feel like it really settles me when I'm sleeping, is I'll be I'll be asleep, and you'll just whisper sweet stuff to me while I'm sleeping. Yeah, and I can hear it, but I'm not like awake. And you'll be like, I love you so much. You're so beautiful, I'm so happy we met. And it's so sweet too, because we were driving the other day and I was just looking at how big and vast LA is, and I was like, I can't believe we met.
SPEAKER_02I know.
SPEAKER_00Like it's so insane that we met. Like, I'm from Atlanta, he's from uh say New York. Arizona. Yeah, I'm from Atlanta, you're from Arizona, you're from literally Tucson, Arizona, which is like a place I'd never heard about before. And we both moved out to LA during the same timeline, and now here we are together. It's crazy. And I was just like, doesn't it feel like a miracle? And you were like, that's because it is a miracle. Us meeting is a miracle, and it was so sweet. Anyway.
SPEAKER_02Okay, all right, guys. So let's sorry about that.
SPEAKER_00We know that some of you guys love it when we do that. We know some of you guys hate it when we do that. Sorry. We'll jump into what can I say?
SPEAKER_02What can we say? What can we say? I could go back to hate and jump into the listener letters in a second, but uh, I do encourage everybody that's watching this listener letter for the listener letters to go back, maybe watch some of our personal episodes where you can learn a lot about you know relationships and we give a lot of advice and talk about our experience experience in a tenure relationship. And uh, we also have some great, you know, guest episodes that we just did, and we have some great ones coming up. So, so yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_02But we'll jump in. Let's jump right in.
SPEAKER_00Let's dive on in. Okay, so normally I have I skim the listener letter episodes and Grant Flies in Blind. This time I actually didn't have a chance to skim or anything. I literally like picked some that I thought were interesting. I threw them in chat and I was like, Chat, are these interesting? Chat said yes. So these are the ones that chat said were interesting. Okay. Sorry to use AI because I'm lazy and I didn't have time to read it, but here we go. All right. Number one. My boyfriend's friends hate me. Am I the asshole?
SPEAKER_02Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Here we go.
SPEAKER_02Here we go.
SPEAKER_00Hi, Grandasia. I, 23, have been with my boyfriend 23 for five years, and I love him and we love each other so much, but his friends seem to hate me. I'm outgoing and a little bit crazy, and sometimes I'm wild, but I am a good person. I'm just a little out there. Maybe it's the Aquarius in me. Ha ha ha. My boyfriend is the only person in his friend group that's in a long-term relationship. All his other guy friends date around a lot, and that's fine, but they also have a lot of girlfriends because they're dating around so often. And when they have girlfriends, they'll bring them into the friend group. But then they'll break up and then get new girlfriends who they also always bring around. And then they introduce again to the whole friend group. A lot of his guy friends will only date a girl for about three, maybe four months before introducing her to everybody. And because I'm so friendly and I connect with people really quickly, I become friends with them. And I still have relationships with a lot of his friends' exes. The way I see it, the guys are his friends and the girls that they bring in become my friends. But apparently, all of his friends expect me to cut off their exes once they break up with them, which I don't feel like is fair to me or them.
SPEAKER_02Interesting.
SPEAKER_00My boyfriend's loyalty is hit is to his friends, and mine is not, because his friends are not my friends. I don't feel like I owe them loyalty in that way, or that I'm being dishonest by the fact that I'm still friends with a lot of the exes from the past, but that bothers them apparently, and it's becoming an issue in his friendships where they don't want me around and they're talking trash about me to my boyfriend. Apparently, they're worried that I will share what they're doing or talk trash about them to the new girls that they date or to the girls that they dated in the past. And why would I do that in the first place? Why would I share their business? Am I in the wrong for refusing not to be friends with these girls just because they're not dating my boyfriend's friends? Also, it has started issues in my relationship with my boyfriend because he wants me to drop them and says, My friendship with these girls makes his friends uncomfortable. What do I do in this situation? Any advice would help.
SPEAKER_02Interesting.
SPEAKER_00Well, let me start.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00I'm a girlfriend ringer.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Don't bring a girl around me. True friendship for real. Okay. Like, if if you don't want me to be friends with your if you don't see a future with a woman that you're bringing around the friend group, then you kind of shouldn't probably bring her around the friend group. Like if she's just some casual play or a girl that you might not even be with in the next three or four months, don't introduce her to the girlfriends of the friend group. Just make it like a guy thing or something.
SPEAKER_02Well, I think like you don't necessarily know if it's going to be a long-term thing or not.
SPEAKER_00They got a pattern of breaking up with girls and dating new girls and bringing new girls around.
SPEAKER_02That's true. That's true. But I mean, yeah, I personally don't think there's a problem with her staying friends with the girls. You know, I think that her friendship with them can stay separate from the guy and his future relationships or whatever it may be. That's not on you. Because yeah, like you said, the girl, the girl's not friends with the guy, like with this per with this guy. His her boyfriend is friends with the guy. So she doesn't really have loyalty to that guy. You know? Um, so yeah, so I I I think it's uncalled for for the guy's friends to you know be talking trash about her or anything. First off, you should never let your friends talk down on your girl. Ever. Ever, period. You know what I mean? Especially if you've been dating this girl longer than you've known those friends. If those are like not newer friends, but you've been dating this girl for a really long time and you were with her before you even became friends with some of these guys, like there's they should never have a say in your relationship. You know what I mean? And so I think that if people are talking down on your girl, like you need to check it right away because that can get out of hand. That can really get out of hand of where now your friends think that they can talk about her behind your back. They feel comfortable talking to you about it, even if you've maybe, you know, jokingly said or passively said, oh no, she's not that, she's not that. You know what I mean? They're still talking about her behind your back, unless you unless you create like a firm boundary right then and there, the first time it happens, they're gonna think that they can say whatever they want, especially behind your back. So, and then that's just never a good situation where your significant other and your friends don't get along. That will create divide, that will never end well. You know, there always has to be, it's okay if there's you know, disagreements there or whatever, but it has to get resolved. If it doesn't, then you know, the boyfriend or girlfriend that's in that situation is just going to be pulled one way or the other.
SPEAKER_00Like your loyalty is to your man.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, if if I had friends, if I had friends and they felt comfortable enough disparaging you and talking trash about you, they would no longer be my friends because my loyalty is to you, not to them.
SPEAKER_01Exactly.
SPEAKER_00I mean, my loyalty is to them as my friends, but my loyalty to my friends will never trump the loyalty that I have for my man. And you and I are like best friends, number one. You're my best friend. Yeah. And we've been together almost 10 years. And on top of that, you're my life partner. You're the person I fly everything by. I trust your judgment. I trust your counsel. And there's just no world where I feel like my friends would, number one, even be comfortable enough fixing their mouths to say something bad about you. Because I would check them immediately. Yeah. I'd be like, you can't say that about him. Don't talk about my man like that. Like immediately. I think obviously if you're with a guy that's a terrible guy and your friends are talking bad about him, there's there's leverage there. That kind of makes sense. Maybe he sucks. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it necessarily. But if they're saying bad things about your man, maybe it's because they're trying to warn you. But if they're just talking trash about somebody that you've been with for almost a decade or however long, because they don't personally mess with them or whatever. Yeah, like I got a problem with that because I'm not choosing any of my friends over my man.
SPEAKER_02I'm not doing it. I would even go as far as say that I would feel the type of way if one of your friends was like came to me and was like, we like the way you're treating our girl or whatever. I'm like, the way I'm treating your girl, she's she's my girl. Okay. I like the way you're treating my girl in the friendship. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, she's my girl. Yeah. I'm sorry, but like, you know what I'm saying? There is you have a couple of friends though that you know you've known your entire life. Yeah. That's a different relationship.
SPEAKER_00Or before you.
SPEAKER_02Exactly, or before me. That's a totally different situation. Like I said before, if these are new friends that came into the picture, you know, after we had started dating, and me and you have known each other for about 12 years. Right. So that's a long time, you know what I mean? Like you've had you've gained new friends in in between that time. And so, yeah, I agree though. Like, I would never put honestly, any of my friends, even if I've known them for my entire life, I would never put them before you because also like you've earned that space, and I've earned that space too. It's not like we just automatically did that just because we're dating. Like, I trust you more than anybody, you know. So we have both earned that place in, you know, taking that that uh running spot above our friends.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I agree. And I think that with this listener letter, your boyfriend getting mad at you because he wants to uphold the standards of his friends and their whatever it is that they desire, to me, is a totally separate issue. Because if they didn't want you to connect with the women that they were bringing around, then they shouldn't be bringing these women around you. They should be planning these hangouts on dates that you're not going to be on. I get that everybody likes to do a double date, but don't introduce me to new girls if you do not want them to become my friends. I'm a girlfriend Wrangler, guys.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, she loves the girlfriends.
SPEAKER_00I love the girls. There's a thing that Grant always says whenever like his friends are like having issues with their girlfriends, and they always want to come to me about it because obviously Grant and I have a podcast relationship.
SPEAKER_02We've had some situations where I've had to draw some lines there of like, I'm like, no giving advice to my my friends' girls about their relationship.
SPEAKER_00Grant prohibits because literally Grant's friends, Grant's friends' girlfriends will come to me and be like, This, what's going on in my relationship, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh my God, girl, have you talked to him about it? But I'm prohibited from giving them any advice.
SPEAKER_02No more.
SPEAKER_00Because Grant says no liberating the girlfriends. Yes. Yes. I'm the type that's gonna be like, you gonna sit there and take that. Oh no, draw the line, set a boundary. But again, like I don't want to involve myself that deeply. So if you are in the situation with your boyfriend's friends and their girlfriends where you're giving them advice that's actively interfering in their relationship, then that's different. I can understand the boyfriend's friends being like There has to be boundaries. There has to be boundaries. So, like, if you want to be home girls with these women that these men are bringing around, then go ahead and explore those friendships. And just because you're no longer with, they're no longer with these men anymore does not mean that you have to cut those friendships off. That's unfair to you. It's unfair to you that they want to bring these girls around you and then expect you to make these girls feel comfortable. And then when they're done with them, you have to be done with them too. You do not owe your boyfriend's friends loyalty. Those are your boyfriend's friends, not your friends. And if your boyfriend has a problem with that, then yes, he should be able to outline boundaries like Grant has done, where Grant's like, you can't tell this person that stuff. But also, when his friends break up with girls or his whatever, I don't tell them any business. That's not my business.
SPEAKER_02And they would never that would be crossing the line. I would never do that.
SPEAKER_00Like if one of your friends' exes was like, What is my ex doing? I would never say. That's not my business. I'd be like, I don't know, girl.
SPEAKER_02And most of the girls that my friends dated, they wouldn't even ask, they wouldn't even get and try to get in the business, or they would respect your boundary of being my girlfriend and me being his friend. They wouldn't even ask those questions.
SPEAKER_00You have to appreciate and respect the conflict of interest, but do I think that you're wrong for creating a network of girlies that you like because they're brought around you and you were exposed to them? No.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. As long as as long as like you can keep that rel that friendship separate, because I mean, obviously, you shouldn't just start bringing that girl around the boyfriend. Yeah, don't do that. The ex-boyfriend. Like that would be overstepping. Right, right, right. Um, but you know, as long as, yeah, you keep the friendship just away from um your boyfriend's friends, whatever, that's fine.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02There's nothing wrong with that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Keep it appropriate. At the end of the day, keep it appropriate.
SPEAKER_02There should be boundaries.
SPEAKER_00But your boyfriend shouldn't be telling you what to do or what kinds of friendships you should have. He should be protecting you. And if you had a friend that was like, he's just so like, what if you had a friend that was talking trash about me?
SPEAKER_02I would nip it in the bud like right away. I would tell them, you're not gonna talk to her like that. And if you genuinely dislike her or feel that way about her, then I'm not gonna hang out with you. Like, why would I be around somebody who dislikes my significant other who is like uh not just my significant other, like they're they are placed over you any, any, every time. So I would never um let somebody talk trash about you. That's my friend, but I also think that like my friends respect me enough to they would never say nothing bad about you. You know what I mean? Especially not to me, not to my face. They wouldn't fucking do that.
SPEAKER_00So let that be your warning. Yeah, let that be your warning. If you think about talking trash about me to Grant, let that be your warning. He said he's not letting it fly.
SPEAKER_02No, no, but but my friends, my friends respect me and they respect our relationship and they respect us.
SPEAKER_00You think your friends like me?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, they do. They do. Be honest, they do, they don't like that you're wrangling all their girlfriends, starting a revolt.
SPEAKER_00No, but I'm the girlfriend liberator. Don't bring around.
SPEAKER_02My friends, my friends love Asia. Asia, she's very unique and she's got her own personality, but um, and I think sometimes it made like maybe it takes some people some time to get to know you, but they love you, they love you for me, and that's all that I care about. Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_00Well, you're yeah, your friend's approval is important to me.
SPEAKER_02It's important, it is important.
SPEAKER_00You're I I want to say, like, I don't give a fuck what your friends think, but that's not really true.
SPEAKER_02No, it should that shouldn't be the case. That shouldn't be the case. That's why I'm saying, like, to this girl, like, make sure that you mend those relationships with the boyfriend's friends because it's really important that you guys coexist and you like each other. It really is.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but also your boyfriend should facilitate that if it's already contentious.
SPEAKER_02For sure.
SPEAKER_00And he should be defending you.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Okay, the next literature should come first.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm. First. The next listener letter. This is actually a really good one. I did skim at the end of it. So my boyfriend of three years and best friend of seven years. Aw, so they were best friends for seven years and dated for three years. Okay. So my boyfriend of three years and best friend of seven years and I broke up two days after living together for the past three years.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00He's 26 and I'm 24. Our relationship ended because we had fallen into an unhealthy dynamic. I found myself constantly nagging him about things, which made me feel like his mother more than his partner. In turn, that caused me to lose attraction and resentment began to build. Oh no. I'm sure he felt just as frustrated by me as I was by him. We found ourselves arguing frequently over small issues, and the stress of our living situation only made things harder. He has three cats and we share a two-bedroom apartment. As someone who values personal space and isn't particularly fond of cats, I felt overwhelmed. Despite all of this, I love him with my whole heart. I've dated other people, and there's something about him that's always felt different. Deep down, I truly be deep down, I truly believe he's meant to be in my life for the long term. When we broke up, he initially planned to move out of state. Instead, he decided to stay in the same city because he wants to focus on becoming a better version of himself and work toward a healthier future for us. I'll be keeping our current apartment while he moves out. Ending the relationship was one of the hardest decisions we ever made. I was devastated, but I knew also that he wasn't in a place where he could fully fulfill my needs or be the partner I needed him to be. Since then, we've had honest conversations about what comes next. Our current plan is to give each other space, focus on our growth, and slowly rebuild our connection over time. Whether that begins as friendship or eventually leads back to us dating. After living together for three years, I think we lost some spark that originally brought us together. The constant bickering, criticism, and underlying issues took a toll on both of us. Very real.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I believe having our own space and learning to live independently again could be very healthy for us. There have also been other factors affecting our relationship. We lived together for a year in Louisville, near his family, before moving to Cleveland to be closer to mine. His parents are getting older, and I think being so far away from them has been difficult for him emotionally. They're now moving back to Michigan, which will allow him to see them more often. And I think that that could relieve some of the stress he's been carrying. I recently came across your podcast and listened to the episode about. Breaking up and eventually finding your way back to each other. It gave me hope that reconciliation can be possible when two people are willing to grow individually first. But my question is for couples who truly love each other but need time apart to become healthier versions of themselves, what is your biggest piece of advice for making future reconciliation successful?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Wow.
SPEAKER_00What a great very well said.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_00I mean you want to take take it first?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, sure. I think that I'm glad that she saw our episode on that because she's realizing that so many people go through this. You know what I mean? Like it's so normal. And I really like that they were friends first and they have that foundation of friendship. It reminds me of us because for the first couple of years we knew each other, we were just really close friends. And so that's such a great foundation for a relationship. And I I honestly think that they're going to end up getting back together, just from how she explained their relationship and how he made her feel and stuff like that. Like that's really important. But it is also really important that if you feel like you can't grow with him and he needs to do it independently, then that then he needs to do it independently. You guys made the right decision of maybe splitting ways and doing your own independent thing. And if he needs to grow, then let him grow.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And that's it's it's really hard to make that decision. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, I think that you're you're you're a good person to speak on experience about needing to be alone, even if it's briefly, to kind of reset and recenter. So, how is that something that you did? I feel like that could be helpful to her.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So yeah, me and Asia sounds like we went through the same thing. You know, I just was having a really hard time, and I was having a hard time kind of finding my path. You know, I had all these things going on, but I just couldn't freaking lock it in, you know. And um we went through a a lot of hard times because Asia felt the same way that you did. She felt that she had to carry me through a lot of things, that she was, you know, taking our relationship by herself, spearheading everything, taking the initiative on things that we need for our future. And I was just kind of coasting along with her or with you. And so I think that you guys shared a lot of experience for sure. And maybe what I would say to the guy, too, is that you know, don't give up on yourself. And if you really truly want this relationship, you have to fight. Like you have to fight yourself, your inner thought as well. Because that was the toughest part. Like, I was so I was lacking so much confidence because I didn't know if I was going to ever live up to that expectation that you needed from me. And that was the toughest thing. And how I got to that point, I don't even know. I just didn't give up. And I just always saw the light at the end of the tunnel. And I I never just put my hands up and was like, you know what? I'm just not gonna be what she wants. I was consistent, I kept working towards it, and I think he's gonna do that for her.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Because it sounds like the relationship that they had was special and it was worth fighting for. And I don't blame her for leaving because not everybody can go through something like that with their partner.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I I love that you brought that up. And, you know, circling back to her last question, which is for couples who truly love each other but need time apart to become healthier versions of yours themselves, what is your biggest piece of advice for making future future reconciliation successful? The biggest piece of advice I can give couples who are looking to make future reconciliation possible after breaking up is if you're going to reconcile with one another, you have to leave certain things in the past. And resentment is the hardest thing to overcome in a relationship. And there were like years in our relationship where I didn't realize that I had built so much resentment and anxiety and frustration towards you. Because similar to what this girl's saying in the letter that she sent us is, I felt like a mom to you for a long period of time. Where it's like, oh my God, is he even capable of doing anything? And because of that, I it made me lack belief in what you were able to execute and what kind of person that you could grow to be. And, you know, I don't want to say that I'm one of those girls that dates for potential, but I guess in a way I was, but it wasn't that I was dating you for potential. It's like I genuinely liked who you were as a person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I loved who you were. I loved hanging out with you, I loved doing things with you. But it became difficult seeing a path forward in our relationship because I felt like we weren't on the same page a lot of the time. Like it felt like I was at the last chapter of the book and you were just getting past the cover. And because of that, I constantly felt like I was trying to pull you through the book by giving you all the spark notes of what's going on in life. And I think that that built a lot of resentment in me because I was like, he can't do anything by himself. He always needs me to spell things out for him, or whatever the case may be. And when you start becoming resentful of your partner, especially your man, it changes how your man shows up in a relationship. And that's not your fault. Like it's fully influenced by how the lack of confidence you had, how nervous you were to say things to me, how nervous you were to set boundaries with me, how I didn't allow you to set the boundaries that you needed to set in the beginning or or in the middle or whatever. And how that made you feel like you weren't worth setting boundaries for yourself and standing up for yourself. And when you get to a place in your relationship where you resent your partner, it feels just you're just hot all the time. You're ready to be triggered at any point in time.
SPEAKER_02How could we even bounce back from that? That's that's the feeling. But then once once, once you're able to bounce back from something like that, yeah, it's because you know it well, it was because I had worked so hard to get us back to a place where you did have that respect because I earned it. And because I, you know, had taken so much initiative in the relationship and took such a you know grip on the relationship that I demanded the respect back in a way. You know what I mean? And so that that's the only way that you can get through it, is if you really step up and you really try your best and you really try hard and you get to that point. Because if you just, you know, like I was saying before, if you just kind of give up and give into it, you'll never be able to get back from that. And now at this point in our relationship, it's like I hit you with the MI, you know, men in black freaking memory swiper. Yeah. And that stuff is not an issue for us anymore. Like the past is not an issue because you see who I am now. Right. And seeing who I am now, you you see and you go, oh, that's who he is. That's who he really is. Back then, he was just going through something. He was, you know, and there were so many, there were so many times back then, even though you, you know, were lacking um respect or whatever it may have been, you still were like, I need to help him though. You know, you still helped me through a lot. I don't want people to think that like you were just constantly like putting me down because I wasn't stepping up to the plate. You helped me so much of that, through so much of that. And so I took that help and I really stepped up in so many ways. And that's why we are here where we are today.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we will never go back to that. Like there's just no way of us going back to that at this point because I've I feel like I've shown so much, I've shown my credibility at this point so much that there's just no path back to that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's only forward now.
SPEAKER_00I agree. And I think also when you decide to overcome resentment in your relationship, you have to realize that resentment is a two-way street. It's not just that this person is pissing you off and they're not doing what they need to do to hold their their end of the bargain in the relationship. It's also what are you focusing on that could be influencing and inflating how much resentment you feel towards your partner? Because there would be things in our relationship where it might be something little, but because I was already angry with you, it just added more fuel to the fire for me to be pissed off. Exactly. Like you could do something so small as like not have put gas in your tank that night. And now we're on a road trip and you we need to put gas in the tank before we go. And like, of course, he doesn't have gas in his tank. He's so good.
SPEAKER_02No, resentment is just the spark.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. And I think that you have to realize that it's a two-way street. And in order to get over resentment in your relationship, you have to take accountability for what things you resented and choose to not see your partner through that lens anymore. And I think that that was something very difficult for me was when we were figuring out how to get back to when we had broken up, I was done. Because all I could see you through was my lenses of resentment. That was it. I didn't have any rose-colored glasses for you. They were literally, it was like a black hole.
SPEAKER_02It had boiled up to like the breaking point at that point. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I couldn't see beyond what I thought you weren't capable of. Yeah. And that became very difficult because that's what brought us to, I'm done with you. I want to break up. And so if you're looking to reconcile with your partner, you have to take accountability for how you might have influenced where you guys got to. Because yes, we broke up because I wasn't sure. I didn't feel like Grant was holding up his end of our relationship bargain. I didn't feel like he was working hard enough. I didn't feel like I could trust him with our future. But also, I had to look internally and be like, yeah, but I, but the doubt that I have for him makes him doubt himself even more. And you needed a win. And it was a win I could not give you. And a lot of people in our comments on TikTok will be like, she left you at your lowest, bro. You should leave her because she slept with another man. First of all, y'all are so fucking annoying. Like men and their overactive imaginations, write a fantasy novel if you're gonna imagine that I've been sleeping with other men behind my man's back. Seriously. Okay, George R.R. Martin, get a fucking grip, get a quill, write a book. But like it just is annoying that when I broke up with you and we talk about this on our podcast, a lot of men are like, the only reason she came back is because he got a bag. No, I did not come back to you after breaking up with you because you got money. It was because you had confidence. It was because you believed in yourself. Yeah. It was because everything that comes with that bag. Yeah, yeah. Right. No, but it is. It was because for the first time I felt like you had a vision and a path for our future. Yeah. It was for the first time that I felt like you actually wanted to be a partner in the capacity I needed you to be and I needed you to show up as. And before that, we were just dating. We were just boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah. And that was cute. But I'm like, we can we can just be boyfriend and girlfriend forever, but I need you to act on a different level. We need to be building a life together. We're not just casually dating. And for a while it felt like that. Like we weren't building towards anything. And I think it can become so easy to resent your partner when you're not sure where where it's going. Yes. When you're not sure where the relationship is going and it feels uncertain, and you're not getting the reinforcement or the reassurance you need from your partner, especially your man, about the direction that you guys are going in and you can't rely on him, that resentment can build so fast and it takes over before you even realize it. And so, like, in order to find a place where you can be healthy for future reconciliation, you really have to figure out, first of all, if the relationship is worth going back to. Like, what are the reasons that you broke up with this person? Did they cheat? Is that something that you can get over? Yes or no? And then also beyond that, you have to take inventory of how you might have influenced these circumstances. I was not always kind. And we were just talking about this that there would be days that Grant would wake up and he would not know which version of me he was gonna deal with. He was like, I never know if you're gonna be nice to me. And I had to take inventory of that. How can I ask him to show up better for me if I'm being a bitch at 9 a.m.? You know? And so I think it's really about understanding where your partner is, figuring out what your non-negotiables are, and having these conversations through that and giving your partner grace, but also respecting that the time that you guys have apart is necessary. Yeah. And you and I didn't spend a lot of time apart, but the time we did spend apart made me realize that like I don't want to be with anybody else but you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. It was transformational for both of us, you know. Like you had a lot of healing to do, and I had a lot of, you know, stepping up to do. And once we met after doing all of that, yeah, after doing all that work, it just you know, it bounced us back in the in in a way that I never knew our relationship would ever be able to get to. And now like we're in a point where I could have never imagined us being at this point. I know, you know, like really, and we're both in it and we're both putting our all into it. And, you know, we're both like taking our relationship and spearheading it together. And that's what it takes. That's what it is. Like it can't be just one person is having all the plans and making all the uh, you know, make is making all the plans for your future. You both have to do it together or resentment will build. And so, yeah, we moved past it, and I think you guys can move past it too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, he doesn't sound like a bad guy from what you from what you shared. It doesn't sound like there was like a good infidelity of yours. Yeah, I mean, you're friends for seven years, best friends for seven years. That's not something that's very easy to walk away from. And if you truly love each other, you'll be able to look internally at how you influenced each other's circumstances of how you showed up in the relationship. And you'll also be able to move forward on a on an even, even playing ground, even playing field. And I think one of the most important things to do is really be expressive about what went wrong, where you're at, what needs to be fixed. Because if you guys are not taking that inventory that we spoke about, you're just getting back together, but you're not really talking about the issues that transpired to get you broken up in the first place, then you're really just sweeping it under the rug. So you want to make sure that you really unearth everything that you've been through and talk about it. Cause like Grant said, our relationship is almost not to say that we don't fight. We fight. We we fight, we be yelling, I'd be yelling. He don't really yell. I get up to that point where he yelled, but then I be yelling. And so, you know, I would have never imagined that our relationship could feel like an exhale.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, could feel like a soft, a fully soft place to land, where at the end of the day, I'm just like, can't wait to see you. And I've always been excited to see you, but there were periods of time where it was just like, could I see this guy for the rest of my life? And now I can. And I think that those types of questions are very important to answer. And figuring out what responsibility looks like in your relationship and understanding your partner's strengths and weaknesses is one of the most important things that you can do in a relationship, also as well. So hopefully that is some solid advice for future recognition. That was a lot of advice.
SPEAKER_02So hopefully you took something from there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What do you think?
SPEAKER_02No, I think it was good. I think it was it was helpful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So forgiveness. You don't have to forget, but you have to forgive.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, unless you cheated.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, don't forgive that. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Um, all right.
SPEAKER_02Next one.
SPEAKER_00Okay, next one. Hi, Grant Asia. How do I maintain the standards I deserve in a relationship without making them too unrealistic? Most of my standards come from how my dad treats my mom and book boyfriends. Would love some advice. I think book boyfriends is like fantasy boyfriends where it's like a twilight.
SPEAKER_02I get it. Yeah, well, I wouldn't set the same standards that you see in like a book or like a TV show. Yeah. That's literally made up.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But and it's it's never that easy. You know, relationships are never that easy. In books and uh TV shows, they're not gonna show all the fights and all the things, the arguments, and the things that you have to get through in a real relationship. So I wouldn't base it on that. Basing it on your parents makes sense. You know, you want to hold yourself to the same standards that you see like your parents if they have a great relationship.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02But that's the thing too, is like maybe you're in a situation where your parents haven't shown the the hard sides. Oh you know, in my situation with my parents, I never saw my parents fight. That didn't mean that my parents didn't fight, they just didn't expose us to that. Right. So I think that that did kind of mess with my mentality on relationships. Like when fights would happen in relationships, I would be shocked because I didn't see that in my parents. I never saw that happen. And so I thought that that was toxic and I thought that that was out of the ordinary. And that's just not the case. You know, relationships, you're going to fight, you're not always going to see eye to eye, and um, there's going to be, you know, things that you have to get through, and that's what makes you stronger. And so I think that you should go into this relationship, not thinking that everything's going to be perfect because it is, but you should still hold standards, obviously. You should hold standards of yourself and you should hold standards of your partner, and you should also be clear of what those standards are with your partner, too, to make sure that you guys are both holding each other at the end of the bargain. And but also give some grace. You can't just expect him to be molded into this perfect partner that you expect him to be. Give some grace. And if he's not, you know, pushing your standards too low, you know, like if he if he's coming in there and every other minute he's messing something up, yeah, or he's he's constantly asking for grace or constantly asking for patience, then that's a red flag. You need to flag that and be like, you know what, this isn't living up to what I expect for myself.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So make sure that you're holding your standards, but you're also giving some grace.
SPEAKER_00I agree. I I think that when it comes to standards in a relationship, never base what you want. No, no, no, I don't like that. When it comes to standards in a relationship, never let somebody make you feel bad because you have a bar set for what you deserve and what you think you deserve and what you know you deserve. There will be people out there who are like, well, that's too much for you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's too much for you. And this happens to us all the time. Like, I'll post a clip about how I feel about something, and there'll be Hellman in the comments being like, so glad I'm not with somebody like her. Boy, you could never have the chance. Okay. So the boys that could never have a chance, don't give them a chance. Don't let people redefine what your standards are. If you want to change your standards for somebody, then you change them for somebody. Or if you want to change your standards for you, then you change them for you. But don't allow somebody else to come into your life, belittle your standards, and make you feel bad for wanting more for yourself, and then allowing them to have access to you because they've now convinced you that you're too much. You're not too much. Yeah. There's very, you know, there are some people who are too much. We will say there are some people who just are very unrealistic. But what is unrealism? You know what I mean? Like unrealistic standards really are only unrealistic to people who cannot achieve them. If you know for a fact that there's somebody out there that can achieve your standards and it's not unrealistic, my standards, my standards are I expect my man to respect me, listen to me, protect me, hear what I have to say, and value what I have to say, not cheat and take care of me as best as he can.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Those are not unrealistic for me. But for other people, they might be. There might be some men who are like, oh, you expect me to be loyal to you after 15 years of being together. That's unrealistic. Okay, bye. Then go be with somebody that's into that because it's not gonna be me. But I think that it's important to define what you think your standards are rather than being like, oh, my dad treats my mom this way. That can definitely be a baseline. I think that that's smart.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And also, I believe that it's the responsibility of a father to impress his daughter so much, to respect her so much, to teach her so many things and shows her how to respect herself that she cannot be impressed by the bare minimum of men.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like my dad growing up, he wasn't that great growing up. But once I became an adult, he was amazing. You know what I mean? He was always there, always listening to me. And at the end of the day, my dad will stop what he's doing to figure something out for me. He'll stop what he's doing to help me do research. He'll help me with my car. You know, when I was traveling a lot, my dad was paying for my flights. I expect that kind of thing. It's not that I expect my man to pay for all my flights, but my dad and my older brother as well, the two men in my life that have been pillars of how I receive and understand love, have taught me how I deserve to be respected, especially my older brother during my formative years. He is the reason why I don't take shit from no man at all. And I think that the way that he treated me and showed me how to be respected as a woman is what was able to help me be so discerning when dating. And that's why I didn't date a lot because I'm like, oh, they're not treating me like Jama treats me. So why would I mess? Why would I mess with them? And there's a lot of traits that you have that are similar to my older brother. You're very calm, you're very kind, you're very collected. Yeah. And so those are things that I feel like I deserve because that's what I taught, that's what I was taught that I deserve. And so when women say things like, Oh, my standards are too high, or I'm unrealistic. I don't always believe that that's true. You just haven't met your quote unquote fairy tale boyfriend yet or your fairy tale partner. And there are gonna be a lot of people in life who try to convince you that you deserve less so that they can reach that standard, so that they can meet that bar. But really, it's not that you deserve less. It's that they just wanna be able to have access to you on their level rather than your own. And I think it's so important to maintain um exclusive access to you when it comes to dating. Don't just be with anybody, don't let anybody dismantle your standards, don't let anybody disrespect your boundaries and make sure that you stand firm in what it is that you believe in because it's out there. But you have to know exactly you have to know what you want and you cannot be abstract about it.
SPEAKER_02I think that I think when a man is telling a woman you're too much, you have too high standards, things like that, he's trying to lower her bar so he can meet something that's much lower and much easier for him to reach. It's more, it's it's he doesn't have the confidence in himself to meet that high standard. I think more than likely it's that, you know, he and but it's like, dude, like have believe in yourself, bro. You can do it, like you can meet that standard. And it may take some time and it may say take some grace on her end, but typically you can get there if you're really in it and you really want to um be the partner that this person needs from you. It's it's really important that you have that confidence and you believe in yourself and you're not just um and you're not just scapegoating to, oh, well, you need to lower your standards. You're tripping, you need too much from me. You know, like, no, dude, you don't want to give her everything. You don't want to give her too much, you know. That's that's how it was with us. Like, there were times where I was like, are her standards too high here? Or like, is she expecting too much of me? And just that that thought alone of like, is she expecting too much? I'm like, no, she expects a lot from me because she believes in me. And she knows that I can treat her to these things and I can get her these things. So I need to like believe in myself the way she believes in me, and I need to meet that standard. And I think that guys need to, especially nowadays, you know, women have higher standards nowadays. They don't just expect the bare minimum from men, they can take care of themselves now. They need more from men. And so we need to step up as men instead of complaining and asking these women to lower their standards. We need to step up and meet that damn standard. You know, it's not hard when you're confident and you believe in yourself. And when you trust this woman, especially, then you should be able to work towards it. You should be able to do it. But I think that, yeah, to this girl, um, you know, I don't think that you should lower your standards, but I think that you also shouldn't base your relationship off of one, your parents' relationship necessarily, if you haven't seen them go through hard times together, because that's really important to see. And then also definitely don't base it on like a book or um a TV show or some type of love in that way. You should base it off of you know what you need from somebody, but also make sure that you're able to give grace. Make sure that, you know, your standards aren't like so out there, you know what I mean? Like it should be it should be um obtainable, you know, for him to meet those standards. You know, if it's something that's like so, so out there, you're you might be asking for a lot of people. You might be asking for a little too much if you want a billionaire.
SPEAKER_00That's possible. That is possible. But you gotta put yourself in the right places. Yeah. So at the end of the day, if you have standards, you need to make sure that you're putting yourself in the right places to meet those men that are gonna meet those standards. Because, you know, like if you're just yeah, a regular degular, you want to date a billionaire, he's not gonna scoop you up if you're working in a regular.
SPEAKER_02Because she's comparing her parents' relationship. So I'm sure she's wholesome. Yeah, exactly. So keep your standards, but make sure that you have grace for the right person who earns that grace. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I think that that's wonderful advice. And I don't have anything to add. I think Grant smashed it out of the park. Home run. The crowd goes wild.
SPEAKER_02Home run.
SPEAKER_00Um, but I think that that's that's great advice, you know. Uh, don't settle, also. And that's something that Grant and I have worked through in our relationship, is I have never settled for anything throughout our entire relationship. He's always just met where the bar is. And the bar will change. So don't forget about that either. As you grow older, yeah, and you're with somebody in a long-term relationship, what you wanted at year two is not who you are at year four, and you're gonna want different things. So don't be with somebody that wants to limit your expectations of them. When you're growing up together, when you're literally growing up in a relationship together, even if you're you're getting together at 30 and you're gonna be together until you're 40, 50, 60 years old, your standards are gonna change. The things you desire are gonna change. Never be with somebody that pigeonholes you to this is how this isn't how you were in year one. I'm not who I was 30 years ago, fool. You know what I mean? So that type of stuff is really important. I'm not who I was 30 years ago. I think that you should make sure that people understand that about you. If you're gonna get in a relationship, that things are gonna change. So that's gonna wrap it up for this listener letter episode. We hope that you guys enjoyed this. It wasn't very drama like our normal ones, but we do really love the thoughtfulness of the listener letters that we received.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it was good.
SPEAKER_00So thank you, besties, so much for sending these in. And as per usual, if you do want to send in more listener letters, the link is gonna be in the description of this video, as well as our bios across our social media. And if you have any questions, comments, concerns, leave them down in the YouTube video here. Let us know what you thought about this episode. And we love you guys so much. You guys are the besties.
SPEAKER_02Thank you, guys. Thanks for watching.
SPEAKER_00Bye. We're gonna make some teriyaki chicken and get to eating.
SPEAKER_02Peace. Bye.