Ep. 50 - 'Let Them' vs 'Let it Be Me' with Kathy Washburn

If you’re ready to break free from burnout, people-pleasing, and the silent erosion of self-worth, this empowering episode delivers a bold new mantra for living authentically after 50. In this milestone solo episode, host and cancer survivor Kathy Washburn takes on the trending self-help advice “let them” and explains why it can be toxic for those who struggle with conflict avoidance, emotional suppression, and putting others first.

Discover Kathy’s transformative alternative, “let it be me,” a compassionate approach to reclaiming your needs, honoring your desires, and building true inner resilience. She shares her own deeply personal journey of self-abandonment and healing, unpacks the science behind suppressed emotions and disease, and guides you through practical steps for setting micro-boundaries, expressing your true feelings, and creating safety for growth.

Whether you’ve wrestled with resentment, struggle to put your needs first, or you’re seeking a fresh path to self-investment, this episode is packed with actionable strategies, validating research, and heartfelt encouragement. Tune in for a candid, uplifting conversation that will inspire you to live from the inside out and become the best version of yourself.

Topics Discussed in this Episode:

• The dangers of toxic passivity
• Overcoming people pleasing behaviors
• Chronic self abandonment and health
• Building authentic self expression
• Micro boundaries for personal growth

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Transcript

Ep. 50- Let Them vs Let it Be Me Kathy Washburn

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Investment of Self Podcast. We are celebrating, 

mental health awareness month. So in this episode, which is episode number 50 which is quite remarkable and. Significant because at age 50 is when my whole life changed and I began becoming a better version of myself.

So this episode is a solo episode and I am talking about the popular self-help mantra floating around lately. Called, let them Mel Robbins champions it. And it basically means let people behave however they want and reclaim your peace by letting go of control. Wow. It sounds so liberating yet for people that see themselves in type C behavioral patterns, like people pleasing and, conflict resistance, let them is a bit [00:01:00] of a toxic passivity. And so I wanna really unpack this and my new mantra that I wanna invite people into that, see themselves in type C is let it be me, because that's what we need to work on in order to transform these ways of being that lead us living from the outside in.

And just letting people basically walk all over So get ready. This is a good one. Happy 50th. And I really do hope that this podcast is a catalyst to help inspire you to become the better version of you that is just bursting to step forward.

[00:02:00] 

Introduction to the Podcast

Hello everyone and welcome to the Investment of Self Podcast. I'm Kathy Washburn, and today I am both your host and your guest. We are going to explore a topic that is deeply personal and lately has been quite aggravated to me. It's actually, really deeply relevant if you're a high achieving human who's ever felt invisible, burnt out, or maybe even just a little bitter or resentful.

So in today's episode I'm gonna introduce a little mantra. It goes like [00:03:00] this, let it be me. So pour yourself a cup of coffee or tea. Grab your journal. Or just be intentional about slowing down for about 20 minutes as we talk through bitterness, resentment, and the beautiful, but sometimes messy work of claiming and honoring yourself.

Personal Story: The Mel Robbins Incident

So I want to start by sharing a story. A few weeks ago, my son came to me and said, Hey mom, I was listening to this podcast and it had this woman on it, and Lindy and I both thought that it sounded just like you. And I said, huh, let me guess, is her name Mel Robbins? And he was astonished. Yes. Yes. That was her.

And he said, yes. She has this message. He, she says, and I, we both repeated, let them, and I said, yeah. I know of her and I [00:04:00] admire her work, but that really drives me crazy. And my response really surprised him. He said, wow, mom. I thought it was pretty simple. And I said, you know, it frustrates me because the people I work with are people who have lived their lives unable to express their own needs.

They struggle with emotional suppression. People pleasing and have extreme avoidance tendencies. They avoid both what they want and need. Sometimes they don't even know what they want and need, so it's not really a. Mindful or aware avoidance, but they are of very aware of avoiding conflict. In some cases they just want people to like them and other cases they just wanna keep the peace, whatever it is.

They have lived their lives from the outside in. And I explained to Kyle that it's kind of a toxic. [00:05:00] Let them, it's a toxic passivity, if you will. That results in resentment, burnout, and immune disorders because it's really taxing to our immune system to be on this high level of stress on a constant basis.

And those immune disorders include cancer. In fact, I told him I believe it was part of the cocktail that resulted in my own cancer diagnosis when he was a little boy. 

Discovering Self-Worth and Values

So instead I teach people how to emote healthily, how to rediscover or discover their values and their value, and understand that they matter.

It's more of a. Let it be me approach a way to discover living from the inside out. I told Kyle that Mel Robbins talks about this eventually in her book, but many people that have type C [00:06:00] tendencies or behavioral patterns like conflict avoidance, people pleasing perfectionism, they just stop at the let them.

They really feel a lot of shame around this self erasure and feel really selfish when they choose themselves, which is the harder route for them. So let them is easier for them than to let it be them. So if you are struggling. To remember how to stop letting one everyone else set the terms of your lives, your feelings, and your self-worth.

This is the podcast for you. And when I explained this all to him to my son, he said, Kosh mom, you should really reach out to Mel Robbins and riff on this topic, so maybe someday. So here we are. I decided to do a podcast interviewing myself about the topic. So let them, it doesn't empower us if we're still living from the [00:07:00] outside in.

It asks the systematically silenced to stay silent one more time. And for those of us with that type C behavioral patterns, let them leads to bitterness and shame, not freedom. I'll, I'd like to introduce you to my own turning point in this process because I do believe that because these behavioral patterns are so ingrained in us, we are completely unaware.

And there does come a point though that our body is says this is not working. This is not working at all. And there, there feels some. Dissonance inside. But for me a after my marriage ended, I felt like this wind sock at a car dealership. You know, the ones that just whip around in circles and they're tethered by some invisible string.

I seriously had no [00:08:00] idea where to start my life again. There's one moment that felt quite remarkable, and it happened right after I got the confidence, whatever you wanna call it, to sign up for a year long sexual empowerment program. A bold move for a woman who had no idea what she wanted, found herself 50 years old thinking, even thinking about dating again.

And struggling with a body that was carved by cancer. So it just makes me laugh that I even started this way. But in my intake interview with the woman that ran the program, she said to me, Kathy, so tell me, what do you desire? And I completely froze. I could not name one thing that I wanted for myself.

Not one tears were dripping down my cheeks, and I felt that hot choking shame that you get when the truth [00:09:00] finally wants to burst out. 

The Cost of Suppressing Desires

Not only could I name my desire, I couldn't even feel it like it was almost as if I was completely numb. And that, I believe was the cost of years of suppressing my own voice, denying my needs, and building my sense of worth based on what I did for others or how well I performed at work.

And I know that I'm not alone. So many humans have been trained to feel wrong for wanting more or wanting anything for for that matter what most women call burnout. 

Scientific Insights on Emotional Suppression

Is often an accumulation of suppressed anger, sadness, and unexpressed needs, and the science agrees a large body of evidence. Starting with Dr.

Lydia TE's work back in the 1970s, links chronic self abandonment and stress to immune dysfunction and cancer. [00:10:00] This is actually the catalyst, Dr. Lydia Tamock was the catalyst for this podcast and also for my healing. If you haven't listened to the first episode where I interview Dr. Tamock, please do.

She's a remarkable human, so letting them or letting others do what they want while you say nothing. And Don't get to do what you wanna do. It doesn't give a people pleaser freedom. And if you're a people pleaser, you know you don't feel free when you do that. It's actually an echo of an old wound that says, keep it together, keep the peace, vanish a little more.

Disappear, get smaller. Unexpressed needs do not evaporate. They ferment. They even turn sour. I like that idea. I mean, I don't really like that idea, but this idea of unexpressed emotions turn fermenting or turning [00:11:00] sour, it leads to bitterness and. Sour and bitterness kind of go together, or it hardens into resentment.

And I can't even think about the word resentment without thinking of the word cement. So, bitterness and resentment is kind of a trap that we get stuck in. And instead of that that symbol of harmony, that figure eight that comes with harmony, we're doing a very toxic figure. Eight. It's people pleasing and expecting.

Something to magically happen. But instead what happens is we get resentment and bitterness. So let's talk about what happens when we live this way. And I probably don't have to talk to you about this, if that any of this resonates. You probably know exactly how it feels but the Oxford Dictionary defines bitterness as anger and disappointment at being [00:12:00] treated unfairly.

And psychology. Bitterness is called embitterment, which is feeling let down and also feeling unable to do anything about it. When I look at my darkest days, trying to keep everything together through my cancer back when I was working as an executive at an investment advisor for firm. In a really difficult, and I would say now in hindsight, collapsing marriage while also trying to keep a big smile on my face and raise the two amazing humans that I remained alive to witness.

I see now that my go-to moves were definitely people pleasing and conflict avoidance. But the bitterness and resentment part, even if you told me back then that I was bitter and resentful, I would not have believed you. They were [00:13:00] invisible to me, but now I know they are predictable outcomes of a life that is lived.

For others, it's this need as a human to matter. It's a basic human need to desire and to want, and when we hand that power away it can be really toxic. The research helps us understand why letting them isn't so simple. Dr. Mark Bracket, who is a PhD and runs the, Yale Center for Emotional Health.

He also wrote a book, one of my favorite books called Permission to Feel, and he teaches that suppressed emotions don't disappear. They quietly change your decisions, your energy, and your health. He tells us that emotional muteness is not neutrality. And my goodness, how [00:14:00] I wish I had that information so long ago.

Similarly, Marco Hauser and Sheldon's work on self concordant goals shows that becoming self concordant actually, which means actually living in line with your authentic desires is a difficult skill that requires both accurate self perceptual abilities and the ability to resist social pressures that may sometimes.

Push one in inappropriate directions. I wanna just pull that apart for a second. It's a difficult skill requiring accurate self perceptual abilities. If you grew up living from the outside in really needing the validation of others to feel valued, then your self perception is not accurate.

That comes from the inside out. And that is the work that I do with people. [00:15:00] I help them really reconnect with the person that is right and true inside of them, and build confidence from there. And only then do you have the ability to resist social pressures that might push you in an inappropriate direction.

And this can happen in so many different ways. The. The most mild, and I put that in quotes. Social pressure is just wanting to be liked. So, if you're aligned with your authentic self, wanting to be liked isn't a pressure like it is when you're living from the outside in and needing to be liked instead.

It can also lead to really uncomfortable positions in the workplace where people are asked to do something that they don't wanna do. It can lead to really confusing and unsafe environment, sexually or in [00:16:00] relationships. So this work. As Marco Hauser and Sheldon Exclaims, it is really difficult.

It's a difficult skill to acquire, but it has incredible resonance in our wellbeing and our relationships and our our performance at work and other areas of our life that give us fulfillment. 

Practical Steps to Reclaiming Self

So you have to retrain your mind and body to risk self-expression. I. And if we are honest, most of us didn't learn these skills.

when we were children, especially if we're 50 and over. Instead, we learned to equate goodness with self abandonment. Like, oh, you're a good girl to let others go first, or You're a good girl to give away what you have. Even if you feel like you need it, and I'm sure you can come up with a thousand other examples, and if [00:17:00] you do, I would absolutely love to hear them.

So, reach out to me in the show notes or just send me an email at hello@kathywashburn.net. I really would love to hear what is rising for you as you listen to this. But here's the tricky part. It's not just emotional. A chronic suppression of needs and feelings drives stress and dis-ease that eventually leads to disease.

Emotional labor with no recovery can lead to anxiety, depression, and in some cases like mine, major health symptoms, autoimmune issues, and even cancer. So if any of this feels uncomfortably familiar, I want you just to take a breath, give yourself permission to human, to be human. I'm gonna give you some prompts just because I wanna kind of hone in on this point of and normalize [00:18:00] that.

Just letting them as toxic for some of us, and we really need to kind of redirect ourselves to prioritize. Let it be me instead. So I'm gonna ask you some questions. One is, how often do you dismiss your needs to keep the peace? Maybe think about it on a one to 10 scale, or maybe you could say Every day, every other day, twice a day, just notice what comes up.

 Is it hard to say what you want? Or do you even know it

when you're frustrated? Do you stuff it deep and then feel exhausted? Or even snap at people later.

Do you secretly wish others could read your mind?

Do you feel that resentment or bitterness is a study hum in the background of your mind or at the essence of your [00:19:00] relationships?

Bitterness I learned is built one small moment at a time. Each time you swallow your own truth or don't set a boundary, bitterness accumulates. But here's the liberating insight to bitterness. Bitterness is not that you are failing. It's actually your system's alarm response that your life has drifted too far from your inner truth.=

Bitterness means there's something inside of you just longing to be claimed. So when you are asked and this can be so simple, it can be like, Hey, I wanna watch, let's say Landman, which is a movie or a series I recently watched with my partner. So if my partner said, I wanna watch Landman, and I deeply did not wanna watch Landman, but said instead, okay, fine, I'll watch [00:20:00] Landman.

There's a little bitterness in there, just a little pockmark. It's like a little a little hole. In my own heart because I didn't speak up my needs. Now I know Roger listens to this podcast, so I wanna tell him it was my idea to li to watch Landman, and as tough as that show was on my emotional heart.

I really did wanna watch it and I was glad that he was next to me when I covered my eyes and poked my fingers in my ears and yelled, la to skip certain parts. But you understand what I mean? It can also be when a friend says, Hey, I'd love to go to a dinner with you tomorrow night. Why don't you meet me at the steakhouse?

And maybe you told that friend that you don't eat meat anymore and. Instead of saying, Hey, I don't eat meat anymore. I don't wanna meet there. Instead you just simmer about it. Like, I can't believe she didn't remember that I don't eat meat and why do I don't even wanna [00:21:00] go there. Can you see all this energy that's created?

Un I. Necessarily because maybe we wanna keep the peace in the relationship or we want that other person to like us. It is such an energy suck. So here's the shift. Instead of letting them and just going to the steak restaurant and trying to find something you can eat there, or watching a movie that you don't have any interest in.

Let your mantra become, let it Be Me. This is living inside out. It's taking up space, and it's developing autonomy. The alternative is not just more boundaries or one-off acts of resistance. The cure is turning inward and giving yourself permission to matter and learning to feel first and then act. I love this [00:22:00] quote from Ram Dass who wrote, the Spiritual Journey is individual, highly personal.

It can't be organized or regulated. It isn't true that everyone should follow one path, so begin to listen to your own truth. Let it be me means practicing this radically. One longing, one boundary, or one small? No at a time. Researchers have found that when your goals feel self-chosen, when we shift from have to want to, we find energy in resilience and purpose.

When we move from duty to desire, the grind becomes meaningful. So here's my process and what I help clients do, and the first step in any kind of personal growth is awareness. So now that you have [00:23:00] heard this podcast and you're still listening, and kudos to you, I know this is hard work. But now that you know it, you can't unknow it.

So you're welcome. So with the awareness becomes more awareness now you're gonna begin to notice the moments that you're about to self abandon. You're gonna feel that little, ugh ickiness when somebody says, okay, I'll meet you at the steak restaurant. There's gonna be this. Felt sense of uneasiness. And in that moment, before you open your mouth, you're gonna check in with yourself and that feeling in your body, do I want this or do I just like the idea of not rocking the boat or having this person like me?

Is this my authentic voice or is this my survival voice wanting to say, sure, I'll meet you there. Like Ramdas says it, it's a moment to listen to your own truth. My [00:24:00] therapist once told me that I need to get out of other people's heads and stop worrying about what they think, and instead listen to what would please me in the moment and listen so hard that I start to burn calories.

To be honest, she had me at calories. The second step is claim your needs out loud. So you don't have to set some huge boundary today or make a grand gesture. You just have to say out loud or in the car or in the shower, or write it in your journal. I have needs and it's safe for me to notice them. And I think that's a really, a really good point there that you might not even notice but just jumped out at me. It's safe to notice them. You must put yourself in situations where you feel safe to notice them. I think that's a better way to say that. And this is what coaching is all [00:25:00] about. I, I like to believe that I hold space for my clients to actually be able to say things out loud, that they're a little scared to say out loud to the people that have loved them into being, or the people that they're in relationship with because they fear they're gonna lose them, or they fear that they're not gonna like them.

I'm a very safe person for them to say. I have needs. I don't want to go to a, restaurant that serves meat. I don't want to say yes to a weekend away with a group of people, whatever it is. Find some safe places to be able to express it. And really start to notice what it feels like when you say it out loud.

I know that sounds so silly, but we're holding on to all of this angst inside of us, and if I have said this a thousand times on this podcast, I'll say it a [00:26:00] thousand more Emotions need motions, emotions are. Energy in motion. So to give whatever is being stirred up inside you. Some motion, you know, bitterness is a sign, it's a warning sign that's saying you're out of alignment.

So tap into that and get back into alignment and speak it out loud. Get it out of your body. And it doesn't matter if you're talking to a tree or your dog. Or your coach. But this is a really important second step to start feeling safe to say it out loud and realize that when you do, the building doesn't catch on fire and nobody is blown apart.

Micro Boundaries and Self-Expression

Okay, so the third one is micro boundaries. And I wanna just be clear that boundaries, unbeknownst to me are not barbed wire. They [00:27:00] actually are meant to let real connection in. So to try micro boundaries is to say no to the smallest thing today that doesn't serve you. And that might be a cup of coffee in the morning instead of a glass of water with lemon in it.

It, this is as much being on your own side and showing yourself that you matter than it is, as it is as showing other people that you matter. So it really starts in your own house. So saying no to the smallest things today that don't serve you or pausing before you agree to anything or even deciding to say yes to anything.

And this can be as simple as saying to somebody, you know what? I just need a few minutes to think about that or can I get back to you in an hour or tomorrow? There's nothing wrong with that. And if you notice, people probably do it to you all the time. 

Final Thoughts and Next Steps

And the last one step four is forgiveness and [00:28:00] gratitude.

I combine these two them actually playing off of one another. This is forgiveness of others and especially yourself. Both forgiveness and gratitude dissolves the armor of bitterness and resentment. And Robert Edmond's research shows us that gratitude isn't just being nice, it's essential.

It blocks toxic emotions and builds real resilience. So if you're listening still, thank you. And you might be realizing. Wow. I have lived outside in my entire life. Well, I'm here to say welcome. You are worthy of self investment. Your needs matter, and you can shift gently, but it is not a quick pill.

Like the, let them leads us to believe it's a slow unraveling and [00:29:00] disintegration of many old patterns that we were raised with and that we've been using, but no longer serve us. I want you to know that bitterness and burnout, they're not your de destiny. Nor are they moral weakness. They are the predictable outcomes of learning, having learned to survive, and you can rewire your life, one boundary, one breath, one act of choosing you at a time.

I once heard this really powerful statement that genetics, and I would say like the way that you were raised is the gun, but choices. Are the trigger, so we can actually shift that and acknowledge how we became and who we are and make our choices very wisely.

Anyway, if you're interested in going deeper I would highly ask. That [00:30:00] you or invite you to consider working with a coach or a therapist. It's really important for our growth to be witnessed in See safe places, and there are a plethora of ways to begin moving the needle on your own into that. Let it be me direction.

I'm gonna just leave you with three next steps and you can try one or try them all. The first one is name your desire. Ask yourself, what do I need or want right now in this moment? And write it down. Set a tiny boundary. Say no to one small thing that you truly don't want, or pause and say, let me get back to you.

And three, gratitude for you. Tonight, I would invite you to write down just one thing that you did today that honored even just a tiny bit your needs or your boundaries, [00:31:00] and I invite you to additionally add how it made you feel. Remember the road back to yourself isn't a quick fix, but every small act of self honor chips away at the cement of resentment.

And reveals who you are meant to be. I thank you for your gift of time. If anything in this episode resonated, please reach out, share it with a friend, or let me know what. Let it be me means to you. Until next time, take care of yourself because you matter and the world needs you happy and whole.

Thank you so much for your gift of time and for tuning into the investment of self type C transformation podcast. Make sure to check out the show notes for this episode@kathywashburn.net slash podcast and give us a follow on Instagram at Kathy Washburn, [00:32:00] D-O-T-N-E-T. If you liked this episode, make sure to follow investment of self type C transformation and if you feel so moved.

I would love a review. We'll be back soon with more. Until then, I wish you well.