Ep. 59 - The Sweetest Devotion - Why Self Care Isn't Selfish Kathy Washburn

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Kathy reframes devotion from self-sacrifice to self-sustaining care—the kind that makes your love more present, your boundaries clearer, and your life feel like it actually belongs to you. She unpacks the research on self-compassion (hello, burnout prevention), introduces the oxygen mask principle, and shares why “being the good girl” often creates hidden resentment and disconnection (the “smush”). You’ll leave with simple, sustainable practices to move from people-pleasing and emotional suppression to emotional wellness, midlife reinvention, and authentic living. 

Topics Discussed in this Episode:

• Self-Devotion vs. Self-Sacrifice — why caring for yourself first sustains genuine care for others.
• Burnout Prevention through Self-Compassion (Dr. Kristin Neff) — how kindness to self increases emotional availability and reduces caregiver burnout.
• The “Smush” (from Unbound) — when your words say “I’m fine” but your body says “I’m not,” and how to dissolve the contradiction.
• Self-Fullness (Tal Ben-Shahar) — integrating selfish and selfless into a sustainable model of care.
• Six Pillars of Devotion + Micro-Practices — consistency, releasing what depletes, attentive self-awareness, reverence, self-serving choices, and perseverance (with habit stacking and the “My needs matter also” cue).

View extended shownotes here

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Transcript

 Ep. 59 - The Sweetest Devotion - Why Self Care Isn't Selfish Kathy Washburn

Ep. 59 - The Sweetest Devotion - Why Self Care Isn't Selfish Kathy Washburn

​[00:00:00]

Introduction to the Self Investment Project

Kathy Washburn: Hello. They're beautiful humans. Welcome back to the Self Investment Project. I'm your host, Kathy Washburn, and if you're new here, this show is for the high achieving humans who have mastered taking care of everyone else, but somehow have lost themselves along the way. [00:01:00] Here we build ourselves back brick by brick.

And today we're talking about devotion and I know what some of you're thinking already. Great. Another conversation about how I need to be more devoted to my family, to my work, to my relationships. But actually we're gonna do, go in a completely different direction today. We're talking about the kind of devotion that probably makes you a little uncomfortable just thinking about it.

It's the kind that makes you squirm in your seat or make your inner critic pipe up with all sorts of judgments. Yep. We're talking about devotion to yourself. Now, if you just had a physical reaction to that, if you felt your shoulders tense up, or if a little voice in your head said, that sounds so selfish, and I have 100 other things to do [00:02:00] today, so I have a crazy urge to shut this off.

Well stop, hear exactly who this episode is for. 

Understanding Devotion to Yourself

Kathy Washburn: Here's what I've observed, working with hundreds of women who are incredibly capable, incredibly giving, and incredibly exhausted. 

They can tell you exactly what devotion looks like when it's directed toward others. They're devoted mothers, devoted partners, devoted employees, devoted friends, devoted daughters.

You get the picture, they show up consistently. They sacrifice their own needs. They give their attention freely, and they serve without being asked. They persevere through difficulty, but when you ask them to turn that same devotion towards themselves, suddenly it feels wrong. Selfish, [00:03:00] indulgent, even like they're taking something away from someone who deserves it more.

And here's the thing that breaks my heart about this pattern. These women generally believe that bypassing themselves is noble. They think that true devotion means self-sacrifice. Caring for themselves somehow diminishes their capacity to care for others. But what if I told you that the research shows exactly the opposite?

What if I told you that your inability to be devoted to yourself is actually limiting your ability to show up for the people that you love and influence the circles that you swim in? Let me paint a picture. Think about someone you know who seems to give and give and give, and there's something hollow about it.[00:04:00]

Something that feels slightly desperate or martyred. Maybe it's that friend who always says yes, but seems resentful, or that colleague who takes on everyone's work, but always seems stressed and overwhelmed. 

Now think about someone who gives from a place of genuine abundance, someone whose care feels nourishing rather than draining someone who shows up fully present, fully resourced, fully alive.

And you feel attended to. What's the difference between these two people? The second person has learned the secret of sustainable devotion. They've learned that you cannot give what you do not have. So let's talk about what the research actually tells us about self devotion, [00:05:00] because I want your logical brain on board with this before we go any further, because it's to be.

Perfectly honest with you, when I started all of this, 

The Research on Self-Compassion

Kathy Washburn: work, I needed my logical brain to read the research, to understand the research and what was possible for my body mind to get on board with Dr. Kristen Neff's. Research on self-compassion has consistently shown 

People who treat themselves with kindness and understanding are actually more capable of genuine compassion towards others, not less.

They have better relationships, they are more emotionally stable, and this is important. They're less likely to experience burnout in caregiving roles. Think about that for a moment. Less likely to experience burnout. [00:06:00] The very thing you're trying to avoid by giving so much of yourself, you're actually making it more likely by not taking care of yourself first.

There's a very overused metaphor about when we are on airplanes and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before you help others. In psychology, it's actually called the oxygen mask principle. There's profound wisdom in that overused metaphor, you literally cannot help anyone if you're suffocating.

The same is true emotionally and psychologically when you're operating from depletion, when you haven't tended to your own emotional needs, when you stuff your own feelings in service of others. When you avoid your physical needs, even your own spiritual needs, your capacity to truly be of service to [00:07:00] other people is completely compromised.

But here's where it gets really interesting. The research on caregiver effectiveness shows that people who practice self-care and maintain their own wellbeing don't just avoid burnout. They actually become more effective helpers over time. They make better decisions. They're more emotionally available.

They're more creative in their problem solving. Why? Because we're operating from abundance. Rather than scarcity. Now, there's an important distinction I wanna make here because I know some of you might be thinking, well, caring for others is what I do, or perhaps acquired or whisper is saying. Caring for others is what is expected of me.

Selflessness is a part of my reputation. It's part of my identity. It doesn't feel acceptable to prioritize my own self-care. Or maybe you're just thinking [00:08:00] that focusing on yourself is selfish or self-centered. It makes me think of wisdom from one of my teachers, Tal Ben Shahar. 

The Concept of Self-FullnessThe Oxygen Mask Principle

Kathy Washburn: I saw him speak about this topic, 

at a World Happiness Summit years ago.

Yep. You heard that right? World Happiness Summit. I need to go to an, 

I think they have them every year in Miami Anyway, according to Tal, it's neither selfish or selfless, and actually it's both. He calls it self full. He says that self fullness synthesizes the best of both selfishness and selflessness.

These seemingly opposing forces actually work together reinforcing one another and creating an upward spiral of generosity and goodness. So self is the combination of looking after ourselves and by extension. Looking after [00:09:00] others. I love a quote from Maya Angelou here. She says, as you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands.

One is for helping yourself and the other is for helping others. Healthy self devotion is about taking responsibility for your own wellbeing so that you can show up as your best self. For others, it's not about maintenance, not indulgence. It's about sustainability, not selfishness. Let me give you some examples of what self devotion looks like.

Setting boundaries that protect your energy so that you can be fully present when you choose to engage. Processing your own emotions and traumas so that you don't unconsciously dump them on others. Maintaining your physical health so that you have the vitality to care for others. Developing your own interests and talents so that you [00:10:00] remain an interesting growing person, honoring your own values, even when it's uncomfortable, so that you can live with integrity.

Do you notice something about that list? Every single item ultimately serves not only you, but everyone around you. Prioritizing your own health is not only for your own benefit, it is also for the benefit of others. So if self devotion is so beneficial, why does it feel so difficult? Why do so many of us resist it?

Well, for many of us, especially if you resonate with what I call type C behavioral patterns, we learned very early that our worth was tied to what we could do for others. Maybe we grew up in families where emotional needs weren't welcome, where the adults were overwhelmed or unable to be emotional themselves.

Maybe we grew up [00:11:00] where keeping the peace meant staying small and quiet and invisible, and being a good girl, or we learned that love was conditional on our behavior. We learned that our needs were less important than everyone else's, and we learned that being good meant being accommodating, easy, peaceful.

That we didn't invoke conflict for somebody. And here's the cruel irony, that conditioning that taught us to bypass ourselves, it often came from people who were themselves operating from depletion parents were o who were overwhelmed, or families dealing with trauma or addiction or mental illness.

Communities that were just struggling. So we learned to survive by becoming indispensable to others by being the helper, the fixer, the one who never caused problems. And maybe [00:12:00] that strategy's worked for a while, but what happens when that strategy becomes our entire identity? What happens when we've spent so many years focused on everyone else that we've literally lost touch with who we are and what we need.

I know this because this was or is me after a lifetime of living like this and my, my marriage ended and I entered this new world of personal growth. I had signed up for a a year long sexual empowerment course. I know, right? That's exactly where you wanna start. Personal growth. 

The Impact of Childhood ConditioningPractical Examples of Self Devotion

Kathy Washburn: during my interview with the woman that was running the program, she asked me, so Kathy, what do you desire?

And I remember sitting on the steps of the apartment building that I had just recently moved into, and tears just rolling down my face. After a long pregnant silence, [00:13:00] she, 

started to tell me what the definition of desire was, and I was so frustrated and I said, I know what that word means. I just don't have any, and again, silence.

And then she said, you do and you'll find them. This is what I see in so many of the women I work with. They're incredibly competent at reading other people's needs. Incredibly skilled at managing other people's emotions, incredibly devoted to other people's growth and happiness. But ask them what they want, what they need, what would make them feel alive and fulfilled, and they honestly don't know.

They've become so practiced at tuning out their own signals that they've lost the ability to receive them. And here's what I want you to understand. This isn't just about missing out on some abstract concept of self-fulfillment. This has real consequences for the [00:14:00] people you love. There's something that Casia Urban talks about in her book called Unbound.

And I think it perfectly illustrates this, 

devotion issue. She calls it the smush, and it's what happens when the direction of your attention contradicts your actual intent. Picture this, you want something. Maybe it's to have a difficult conversation with your partner or to set a boundary with your mother or to ask for something at work, but instead of honoring what you want, you immediately revert to your good girl programming.

You smile and say, oh no, everything's fine, while your body is screaming with stress. You accommodate and keep the peace while your spirit is crying out for something different. This creates what urban Y calls the smush. You're saying [00:15:00] one thing with your words, but something completely different is happening in your body and and your energy.

And here's the thing that will blow your mind. Other people can feel this contradiction even if they can't name it. Even if you can't name it, when you're disconnected from your own needs and feelings, you can't model emotional intelligence for your children when you're running on empty. You can't be fully present in your relationships.

When you're operating from scarcity, you unconsciously create scarcity in your entire system. But perhaps most importantly, when you are in the smosh, when you're abandoning your own truth to keep others comfortable, you're actually creating confusion and disconnection in your relationships with others and with yourself, rather than the harmony that [00:16:00] you're so desperate for.

That you're so trying to create the very thing you're trying to protect by sacrificing yourself, this wellbeing of your loved ones is actually being compromised by your own self neglect.

I know those might seem like harsh words and maybe, 

The Smush: Contradicting Your True Intent

Kathy Washburn: this moment it's an invitation to just take a breath. Feel your feet on the floor or your seat on the seat.

Feel your breath in your body.

So what does self devotion to yourself actually look like in practice? Because I know for those of you who are already ready to try this, you're probably thinking, okay, okay, I'm convinced, but how do I even start?

Devotion involves consistency, sacrifice, attention, [00:17:00] reverence, service, and perseverance. I'm gonna break down each one of those pieces. Consistency means showing up for yourself regularly, not just when you're in crisis. It's when you're feeling dis-ease, it means daily practices that nourish you. Even when, especially when life gets busy, maybe that's 10 minutes of morning meditation, or maybe it's just drinking a full eight ounces of water before you even get outta bed.

It's small, consistent acts of care. Sacrifice and self devotion means being willing to give up the things that deplete you to make room for what nourishes you. Maybe that means saying no to that committee that drains your energy. Maybe it means letting go of the perfectionist standard that you keep up all day.

Maybe it means [00:18:00] disappointing someone. So that you honor your own boundaries. Attention means actually paying attention to your own inner experience. Noticing when you're tired, when you're hungry, when you have to pee, when you're overwhelmed, excited, inspired. It means developing the skill of internal awareness that you've probably spent years suppressing.

I think habit stacking is really important in this attention moment because as a skilled caregiver or an empath, you are so good at feeling the feelings of others and contorting yourself around that. But in those moments when you catch yourself thinking or feeling another person thinking that you, 

Steps to Practice Self Devotion

Kathy Washburn: know what they feel or, 

Putting attention to another's feelings in that moment. Take a [00:19:00] giant mother, may I step back and instead notice what you need in this moment. My therapist said to me once, Kathy, when you sense yourself feeling another person's feelings. Turn the attention towards yourself with such intention that you burn calories.

That's always stuck with me. Maybe it's the calorie part. So the next step is reverence. It means treating your own needs and feelings and dreams with the same respect that you would show to a beloved friend. It means speaking to yourself with kindness. It means honoring your own experience as valid and important.

Service to yourself means acting in your own best interest. Even when it's uncomfortable. It means doing the hard work of healing, of growth and self-development. It means [00:20:00] investing in yourself. I can't harken on this more. It means choosing actions that serve your long-term wellbeing rather than just providing that short-term immediate comfort or avoidance.

Finally perseverance. It means continuing to care for yourself, even when old patterns try to pull you back. It means being patient with yourself as you learn new ways of being. It means not giving up on yourself when devotion feels awkward or selfish.

Now I wanna address something that might be coming up for you. You might be thinking, oh my God, this sounds like so much work. It's just one more thing that I have to be perfect at, or one more thing I need to add to my calendar. But here's what I need you to understand. Self devotion isn't about adding more to your do-do list.

It's about changing the fundamental [00:21:00] relationship that you have with yourself. It's about moving from self abandonment to self partnership or self friendship. It's about tending to yourself like someone you're responsible for caring for, rather than someone you can sacrifice whenever it's convenient. So let's leave you with some very practical ways to begin practicing self devotion starting today.

First, start paying attention to your own needs without judgment. Just notice when are you hungry? Tired, thirsty, overwhelmed. Excited. Don't try to fix anything. Just practice the radical act of noticing. This is actually how you begin to prevent the smush. It's that energetic. Contradiction between what you're saying and what you're actually feeling.

So when you're aware of your internal state, you can [00:22:00] choose how to respond rather than automatically defaulting to some people pleasing, self-deprecation, neglect. Second, ask yourself this question regularly. Write it on a sticky note. Put it where you'll see it. What would someone who loved me encourage me to do right now?

Not what would make other people happy, not what would be most efficient or productive, but what would love look like in action toward yourself right now? Third practice saying this phrase, my needs matter also, not more than others, not instead of others, but also your needs are part of the equation, not a distraction from it.

Fourth start small. Choose one tiny act of self-care that you can do consistently. [00:23:00] Start with something so small it almost feels silly, and build it from there. I had one client say to me, when I tie my sneakers in the morning, I say to myself, my needs matter. That might seem insignificant or silly, but it changed her entire walk in the morning.

It wasn't a cross off my to-do list. It was, I need this for me. And finally, remember that learning self devotion is a practice. It is not a destination, and you will mess it up. Believe me, I mess it up all the time. And not that I'm some, 

black belt. This because I've been doing it for so long. I'm human, so I give myself permission to be human.

You will revert to old patterns, especially if you're not feeling well or 

not nourished in some kind of way, you'll feel selfish sometimes. It's all [00:24:00] part of the process. The goal is not perfection. It's progress. So beautiful humans. I want to leave you with this thought. The most revolutionary thing you can do as a woman who has spent her life caring for others is to include yourself in that circle of care.

Your devotion to yourself isn't taking anything away from anyone else. It's actually ensuring that you. When you do give, you're giving from abundance rather than depletion. It's ensuring that the love you offer others is sustainable, authentic, and truly nourishing. And believe you me, that that kind of attentiveness is felt.

The sweetest devotion, the kind that transforms lives and creates lasting change comes from people who have learned to honor their own [00:25:00] humanity while serving something larger than themselves. You deserve that kind of devotion, and more importantly, the world needs you to practice it. Until next time, keep investing in yourself.

I promise you it's the best investment you will ever make.

Final Thoughts on Self Devotion