Ep. 60 - You'll Never Walk Alone : The Art of Building Supportive Relationships with Kathy Washburn

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Kathy reframes strength from radical independence to healthy interdependence. Through a powerful hospital story and a practical framework, she shows how to build support before crisis, how to distinguish your Ground Crew and Co-pilots, and how to practice the often-missing skill of receiving. You will leave with clear steps to cultivate reciprocal, supportive relationships that catch you before you fall. 

Topics Discussed

• Why asking for help feels hard
• Ground Crew and Co-pilots as a map for your support system
• The Connected Mindset with Curiosity, Authenticity, Trust, and Communication
• The art of receiving help, compliments, and care
• Everyday actions that build reciprocity and resilience

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Transcript

 Ep. 60- You'll Never Walk Alone - The Art of Building Supportive Relationships with Kathy Washburn

Ep. 60- You'll Never Walk Alone - The Art of Building Supportive Relationships with Kathy Washburn

[00:00:00] ​

[00:00:36] Introduction and Warm Welcome

[00:00:36] Kathy Washburn: Hello, beautiful humans. Welcome back to the Self Investment Project. I am Kathy Washburn, and I'm so glad that you're here. Perhaps you are going for a walk or you're driving and listening to me in your car, or maybe this is an invitation to just pour yourself some tea. Get comfortable. [00:01:00] Because today we're gonna have one of those conversations that might just change how you think about asking for help.

[00:01:08] The Struggle of Asking for Help

[00:01:08] Kathy Washburn: You know what? I've noticed so many of us, especially those of us who, pride ourselves on being the strong ones. The go-to people we're really, really good at being there for everyone else, but when it comes to letting people show up for us, whew, that's a whole different story. So today we're gonna dive into something that might feel uncomfortable at first, but I promise you it will be worth it.

[00:01:38] We're talking about support. I if you've been listening to me, you know that I love music and one of my favorite songs by Mumford and Sons, there's many of them, but they do a great remake of the song. You'll Never Walk Alone, so I'd suggest maybe you [00:02:00] pause. I put a link of that song.

[00:02:02] In the show notes. But anyway this, we're talking about support, but not the kind that you give. It's, you know, you've got that down, but the kind that you receive, the kind that you build, the kind that will catch you before you fall. Because here's what I've learned both from my own journey and from walking alongside so many incredible humans.

[00:02:29] Waiting until you're in crisis to build your support system is like waiting until you're drowning to learn how to swim. 

[00:02:39] The Importance of Building a Support System

[00:02:39] Kathy Washburn: So let's talk about how we build these relationships now while we're still standing, so that they are there when we need the most. 

[00:02:49] A Personal Story of Vulnerability

[00:02:55] Kathy Washburn: Um, I'm gonna start with a story that will maybe sound familiar but I'll warn you, this one's always hard for me to tell.

[00:02:59] Even [00:03:00] 20 years later I was in the hospital for my cancer treatment and my protocol meant that I was, in the hospital for seven days for a 24 hour chemotherapy drip. I got two of them, actually one for ovarian cancer and the other was meant for colon cancer 'cause they didn't have a protocol for vulvar cancer.

[00:03:23] So I got cisplatin and five FU 24 hour for seven days. And, at the same time I was getting daily radiation, so each day I felt worse than the day before. The cumulative effect was so brutal. And one morning, this was during the first week stint. It was probably three or maybe four days into the seven.

[00:03:51] I woke up needing to use the bathroom, but I did not get up in time, so I had an accident in my bed. Now [00:04:00] here's where the, what I talk about a lot on this podcast, the Type C pattern kicks in instead of pushing the call button, you know, the button that exists specifically for moments like this. I got myself up, I bunched the soiled sheets in a pile at the end of the bed, and I got myself into the shower because I didn't need help.

[00:04:25] I could handle it, and the nurses were busy. I was fine, except I wasn't fine. When the water hit me, I realized immediately that this was way too much movement, too quickly, and I felt like I was gonna faint. So I remember leaning against the wall and sliding to the floor of the shower, and that's where the nurse found me.

[00:04:53] I actually loved this nurse. She sometimes spent time with me in the middle of the night when she had a few [00:05:00] minutes. And we'd talk about music. I always had my headphones in and she'd asked what I was listening to. She was young. She might even been my age. I don't remember. But she was also so kind and warm, and exactly the kind of person you'd want taking care of you.

[00:05:16] But in that moment, she was pissed. Why didn't you push the button? She snapped. I didn't need help. I replied, I just needed to clean myself up and you're busy. I can do it. And she looked at me sitting on the floor of the shower, unable to stand. Naked, having literally soiled my hospital bed rather than ask for help.

[00:05:39] And she said, clearly you cannot. I'm here to help you. You're in this hospital because you need help. Let me help you. And then she said the words again, that just broke open something inside of me. She [00:06:00] actually. Made me look at her by taking my chin with her finger and pointing it, looking directly at her, and she said, you deserve to be helped.

[00:06:14] Let me help you. I don't know why I still cry when I tell that story, because I think, honestly, it was the first time anybody had ever said that to me in my life. You deserve to be held. Let me help you.

[00:06:36] It wasn't. You've earned help by being good enough, or I'll help you because you help others. It was just, you deserve it, period. Here's the par paradox I see in so many of us, and maybe you'll recognize yourself in this. We're surrounded by people, but we feel alone. [00:07:00] We have tons of relationships, but they're not reciprocal because we don't allow them to be where everyone's rock, but who catches us when we literally fall to the ground.

[00:07:13] Here I was in a hospital, hooked up to chemotherapy, unable to stand, and still I couldn't push the button. I still couldn't ask because asking meant admitting I wasn't fine, and if I wasn't fine, who the truck was. I the truth. Is we've become so good at being the strong one that we've forgotten how to be the vulnerable one.

[00:07:41] We've mastered the art of showing up for others while simultaneously perfecting the skill of disappearing when it comes to our own needs. And sometimes, sometimes this. Takes. It takes sitting on the floor of a hospital shower with a frustrated nurse [00:08:00] telling you that you deserve help. For you to realize that this isn't strength, it's actually self abandonment.

[00:08:08] So let's talk about why this is so hard for us. Asking for help feels like admitting failure. We believe that our value lies entirely in what we provide others. We're the emotional regulators, the family peacekeepers, the workplace mediators. We've built our entire identity around being needed, and maybe that's just a part of being human, but there's another part of being human.

[00:08:39] What happens when we need something? It feels like we're defective at our primary function, like we're breaking some unspoken contract.

[00:08:49] There's also this deep belief, and be honest with yourself here, that we're a burden if we need something, I. Our [00:09:00] needs are too much that people will feel obligated to help, but will secretly resent us for it. So we minimize, we downplay and we say, I'm fine when we're actually anything. But

[00:09:15] I'm inviting you to think about something for a moment. When someone you care about asks you for help how do you feel? Do you think, ugh, what a burden they are? Or do you feel honored that they trusted you enough to be vulnerable with you? Yeah, exactly. So why do we assume people will feel burdened by us when we would never feel that way about them?

[00:09:43] Refusing to let people support you isn't protecting them. It's protecting yourself from vulnerability, from the discomfort of needing, from the possibility that you might discover that you are worthy of [00:10:00] care, not just when you're performing, but when you're struggling. And I know that's terrifying.

[00:10:07] Because if you're worthy just as you are without performance, without the doing, without the perfect strength, then who are you? You're about to find out, and I promise she's pretty magnificent. alright, let's get practical because awareness is beautiful, but action is where transformation happens. I want you to imagine something with me. Imagine you're a pilot. Your life is the plane. Now, most of us have been trying to fly solo for way too long. We think that being strong means doing it all by ourselves. But here's the truth. Even the best pilots have a ground crew.

[00:10:56] Even the best pilots will fly with a [00:11:00] copilot. 

[00:11:01] Understanding Ground Crew and Copilots

[00:11:01] Kathy Washburn: I found it helpful to think about support in those two categories. Your ground crew and your copilots and understanding the difference has been a game changer for me. Your ground crew, these are the people who keep you operational. They're the friends who just text to check in.

[00:11:22] The colleague who covers for you when you need a mental health day. The neighbor who brings over soup when you're sick, they're not in the cockpit with you, but they're essential to keep you in the air. Think about it. Pilots don't fly without ground crew support. There are mechanics, air traffic controllers, fueling teams, all these people making sure the plane can do what it's designated to do.

[00:11:48] Your ground crew doesn't need to understand everything you're going through. They just need to show up in small, consistent ways that keep you moving forward. Then there are [00:12:00] your copilots. These are different. They are the people who are in it with you, who have the skills to navigate when you can't, who can take the controls when you're too exhausted to fly.

[00:12:15] These are the people you've built deep reciprocal relationships with. The ones who know your truth and love you anyway.

[00:12:25] What's most important about this is that most people try to make their entire ground crew into copilots, or worse, they have no copilots at all. They have a bunch of surface level relationships where everyone's polite and supportive, but no one's really. It together for people with type C personalities.

[00:12:46] We often have lots of people in our ground crew, people who depend on us, who, who we show up for, who see us as strong and capable, but we're seriously lacking in the copilots. We don't [00:13:00] have people who we have let see our struggle, who we've practiced vulnerability with, who know how to support us when we're not at our best, and that's on us.

[00:13:14] It's something that we need to change, and it's something that is possible of changing.

[00:13:21] So how do we build these copilot relationships? How do we transform some of our ground crew into people who can actually fly with us? 

[00:13:32] The Four Pillars of a Connected Mindset

[00:13:32] Kathy Washburn: It starts with what I call a connected mindset. It has four pillars, curiosity, authenticity, trust, and communication. Let's walk through each one.

[00:13:47] Curiosity is about asking questions with genuine interests, not just to be polite. It's about wanting to really know someone to understand their world, their [00:14:00] struggles, their joys. We can often be so focused on making others comfortable that we stay surface level and accept surface level answers. How are you?

[00:14:13] Fine. Great. What's the weather like? Gosh, I hate the weather. Question. A real connection requires going deeper. No, really? How are you? What's actually going on in your world right now? What are you worried about? Here's the thing, when you practice curiosity with others, you're also creating space for them to be curious about you.

[00:14:44] You're modeling that it's safe to go beneath the surface. I have a really good friend, Sarah, that when we fly with Sarah, and if she's not sitting next to us, we just know that somebody is gonna [00:15:00] have a Sarah hangover when they get off the plane. They will have exposed their whole life to this person that they don't even know.

[00:15:08] And when they get off, they're just kind of shake their head and. And wonder like, how did that just happen that I shared so much of myself? That's Sarah. She's so curious that you will open yourself up and and actually feel seen and heard. So this brings me the next the next pillar, which is authenticity.

[00:15:32] It means showing up as you actually are. Not as you think you should be. This can be so hard for those of us who have spent years perfecting the performance of having it all together, being a 10 outta 10, but authenticity is what allows people to really see us. I'm not saying that you need to dump all your struggles on everyone, [00:16:00] but maybe instead of I'm fine.

[00:16:02] You try. I'm having a really tough week actually. Or maybe instead of everything's great. You say, I'm actually working through some stuff.

[00:16:13] Start small. Pick one person that is safe. Be a little more real than you usually are, and just see what happens. The third pillar is trust, and trust is built slowly through consistent small actions. This is important. You don't need to immediately bear your soul to everyone. Trust is earned through reciprocal vulnerability.

[00:16:43] You share a little, they share a little. You ask for a small favor, they follow through. You show up for them. They show up for you. Pay attention to who consistently shows up, who asks follow up questions, [00:17:00] who remembers what you told them the last time? Who takes time for you without resentment? Those are your potential copilots.

[00:17:09] And finally, communication. This is about being clear about what you need, not hinting, not hoping people will read your mind, not expecting them to just know what you're thinking.

[00:17:23] I, I think this. Is probably the hardest part for me. Clear communication, getting over my own fear of overthinking what somebody else might think. God, that just sounds complicated and energy sucking. Saying it that way. Clear communication is so important. We're so used to managing everyone else's emotions that we're forgotten how to express our own.

[00:17:55] We think asking is demanding, but clear communication [00:18:00] is actually a gift. It tells people exactly how they can help. I need someone just to listen while I process this, or could you check in on me tomorrow? I could really use a friend. I need help figuring out my next steps. Can I bounce some stuff off of you?

[00:18:24] Or maybe it's just simply, can you come over and sit with me for a while? I'm feeling so very lonely. Be specific, be clear. Give people the gift of knowing how to love you well,

[00:18:39] and. Finally, and maybe I should make this its own pillar. I haven't thought about that until this moment. But there's one thing that is not often talked about. 

[00:18:51] The Art of Receiving Help

[00:18:53] Kathy Washburn: It's receiving, learning how to receive is a practice and it, it is a skill and [00:19:00] most of us are terrible at it. Someone offers help and we immediately say, oh no, I'm fine.

[00:19:05] I've got it. Someone gives us a compliment and we deflect it or minimize God. I hear my mother in that she cannot take a compliment. Which is probably not why the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but if someone wants to do nice, something nice for us and we feel guiltier like we owe them. Here's what I want you to understand.

[00:19:31] When you refuse to receive, you rob people of the gift of giving. Think about that. When someone offers to help you and you say no, you're not just protecting yourself. You're denying this other person the opportunity to be generous, to be supportive, to feel connected to you. You're sending a message that says, I don't trust you with my vulnerability or [00:20:00] your care doesn't matter.

[00:20:01] I know that sounds harsh, saying it that way, but really a, a reciprocal relationship means that you can give and you can receive the act of being given to. I mean, just think about. The sound of that, that sounds reciprocal. And the energy spins both ways. And when energy spins both ways, it can be very generative.

[00:20:27] If you are just giving energy one way, it's like smack. You're just going into a brick wall. And that's exhausting.

[00:20:37] So here's. Your practice when someone offers you help, pause before you automatically say no. Just pause, take a breath and ask yourself, is there any way I could say yes to this? One of my teachers invited me to start this practice by I doing it with strangers. So when somebody held the door [00:21:00] open to really pause and say.

[00:21:02] Thank you, or when the barista handed me my oat milk latte and I said thank you, and they looked at me with this like connection and said, you're welcome to really let that sink in. You are welcome.

[00:21:19] Maybe you can't say yes to a specific offer, but you could say something else like, wow, I don't need help with dinner, but if you really wanna help, I could use someone to talk to for 20 minutes. Maybe that feels like a stretch, but start practicing receiving in low stake situation. When someone compliments you, just say Thank you.

[00:21:42] When someone offers to pay for a coffee for you, say, yes. That would be lovely. When someone asks if you need anything, name one small thing instead of nothing. Even if that small thing is I could really use a hug, you're [00:22:00] retraining your nervous system to believe that receiving doesn't make you weak. It actually makes you connected.

[00:22:07] Practical Steps to Build Support Systems

[00:22:07] Kathy Washburn: So back to support systems. They are built in the everyday moments, not the crisis ones. Most of us will wait until we're at the end of our rope before we reach out. We wait until we're drowning to yell for help, but by then we're already going under and we don't have the energy to explain what we need or build the trust required for people to really help us.

[00:22:31] The time to build Your support system is right now, while you're still functional, while you still have some capacity, while you can practice vulnerability without being in full-blown crisis mode. This means having the awkward conversations right now, reaching out to people and saying, Hey. I'm realizing I've been really independent for a long time and I wanna build more reciprocal relationships.

[00:22:59] Can we start [00:23:00] in by checking on each other more regularly? It means being honest about where you're struggling before it becomes unmanageable. I'm noticing that I'm getting really overwhelmed with work, which pulls me into this isolation. Spin, can I reach out to you or could you check in on me every day?

[00:23:21] Means letting people see you when you're not at your best, not just when you've got it all together, but when you're messy and uncertain and figuring it out. I know this feels uncomfortable, but that's what vulnerability is. It's like you're exposing yourself, but here's a beautiful truth in that exposure.

[00:23:40] That's where real connection lives. Not in the performance or perfection, but in the shared experience of being human. The people who love you don't want the highlight reel. They want the real you, and when you give them that gift, you're also giving yourself the gift of being [00:24:00] truly known and loved. Not for what you do, but for who you are, and you deserve that.

[00:24:07] Conclusion and Final Thoughts

[00:24:07] Kathy Washburn: So here's what I want you to take away from today's episode. First, you don't have to do it all alone. Life is actually not meant to be alone. I know that you can do it all. I know that you've proven you're strong and capable and independent, but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Second, your support system needs to be built now, not later.

[00:24:34] Not when you're in crisis, not when you're drowning. Now, while you have the capacity to be intentional about it. Third, asking for help isn't weakness. It's wisdom. It's recognizing that we're designed for connection, not isolation. It's honoring that you are human. And humans need one another. And [00:25:00] finally, you're not a burden.

[00:25:02] Your needs matter. You are worthy of support and care and love and connection just because you are you. I want to leave you with a simple practice this week. It involves three things. One, identify your potential copilots.

[00:25:23] Who are your two to three people in your life who could build. A deeper relationship with and be more reciprocal in that relationship with. Write those names down. Two to three people or just one. If you have one, two, practice receiving. The next time someone offers help, compliments you, or wants to do something nice for you, just say yes. No deflecting, no minimizing, no immediately reciprocating.

[00:25:55] Just allow yourself a hot second to [00:26:00] receive. Three. Ask for one thing, just one. Identify something small you need help with and ask someone specific for it, not in a wishy-washy way, if anyone can help. But hey, Sarah, could you be direct? Be clear. Practice using your voice to name your needs. That's it.

[00:26:24] Three simple things, but I promise you these small steps are how we transform from being fiercely independent to becoming interdependent, from being alone, to feeling supported, from surviving to thriving. Because you don't come as one, my friend. You stand as 10,000. You just have to let them in. Thank you so much for being here today for trusting me with your time and your heart.

[00:26:59] If this [00:27:00] resonated with you, I'd love to hear about it. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it or leave a review. When you send me a message, I promise I will respond. I love human connection. Let's build this community of people who are learning to receive as powerfully as they give And remember, investing in your support system isn't selfish. It's essential. You matter. Your wellbeing matters, and you deserve to be held, supported, and loved through it all. Until next time. Take care of that beautiful heart of yours. This is Kathy Washburn and this is the Self Investment Project. 

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