Navigating Terminal Illness + Resiliency with Michelle Florendo (part 2)

When faced with life's toughest moments, how do you stay resilient? Decision engineer and coach Michelle Florendo joins us to unravel this intricate tapestry as she recounts the emotional journey her family embarked upon following her mother-in-law's terminal diagnosis. With heart and wisdom, Michelle illuminates the path to empowerment, drawing the line between what we can control and what simply concerns us. Together, we explore the creation of a structured support system, drawing from Michelle's personal revelations to aid others in nurturing resilience through the power of human connection and deliberate communication.

Ever grappled with the overwhelming question, "What do you want?" I've been there, and in this episode, I'm opening up about the tools that led me to clarity. We discuss the "attractive concerning table," a transformative framework that helps untangle and externalize the web of our preferences. Michelle and I dissect the role of writing in decision-making, revealing that the answers to our deepest desires can often be found once they're laid out before us. It's about equipping you with the strategies to make informed choices that resonate with your personal and professional values, and Michelle offers a guiding light on this journey of self-discovery and intentional living.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

In the Grand Theater of Life. We all seek a comeback, a resurgence, a rekindling of our inner fire. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience. This is not just another podcast. This is a journey, a venture into the heart of human spirit, the power of resilience and the art of reigniting our passions.

Speaker 2: 0:29

Welcome back to Part 2 of our two-part interview with Michelle Florendo, the decision engineer and coach. We're going to dive back in to hear more about Michelle's personal story after the passing of her mother-in-law, and where she used some of the modalities that she's learned over the years to help her family navigate through such a huge, life-changing event for everyone. And, last but not least, we'll make sure that we give you some additional tools and resources that you can use to help you in navigating through the decision-making process that you may be faced with. We hope you enjoy.

Speaker 3: 1:05

How do you help people get that refocus? We're both coaches and so as coaches we get a lot of those people that are hovering in that concern. My parents get in that range as well, and so how do you help people get refocused to just on the things that they can control?

Speaker 4: 1:23

I mean, I think part of it is just naming, naming what's in the circle of concern, because I think sometimes I'm so glad that you brought in that framework, right, because sometimes it's so easy to just be consumed by the things that we care about. Things that are in the circle of concern are also things that we care about. But once we can name that yes, I care about this thing and it's outside of my circle of control and influence, or I mean, maybe I don't have the energy to expand my circle of influence to include that thing I think there's something that's freeing about that right, because once we have clarity around, what are those things that we can't control? I mean, as hard as it was, it almost was more of I'm not even going to say comfort, but there is something in the fact that we knew this was a terminal diagnosis and so we're just like, okay, we cannot control the fact that our time with her is limited and so we don't have to worry about trying to change that.

Speaker 4: 2:32

What does that mean for? Okay, once we can identify that's in our circle of concern, and so okay, the only action I have with that is how do I relate to that in a way that I can be at peace. Okay, what are all the things that I can do to show up for her in the way that I want while she's still here? How do I support and show up for my husband and her husband? Yeah?

Speaker 3: 3:01

Well, I think when you think about the circle of concern, it's all stuff that makes you feel powerless, but then when you can focus on the things that you do have that control over, it feels like you have some power back, which I think can help you get through those significant things that we go through in our lives, absolutely. So now you had said a little bit that now that you've gone through this, you're wanting to maybe help other people go through this as well or come up with some sort of a program or something. So can you talk?

Speaker 4: 3:34

a little bit about that. This is the first time that I'm sharing this story. Yeah, I think that's exactly right. And I think this came about because, Pam, I think your brother had taken my class and mentioned that, even though it was a business decision-making class, some of the things he was learning was helping him deal with a personal situation and loss of a loved one. And I realized like, oh, maybe there's something here, and I think I mean I'll name that. Like I have no idea what form this is going to take. I think me just talking to you and I'm so glad that you two are providing this space for me to again like metabolize this, because I don't know if this is going to turn into just a long blog post or a chapter in my book. I don't know, but there is something here.

Speaker 2: 4:22

Which is okay because that's the outcome part. So that's fine. We don't focus on it, yeah.

Speaker 4: 4:27

I think, like I guess, when I think about my objective, I realize, yes, even as other family members or friends have heard me like recount what had happened, they're just like wait. Can you tell me more about how can I like move through an incredibly like difficult situation with loved ones with intention and care? Yeah, and so, yeah, I don't know what shape or form this is going to take, but I do see that it dovetails with my work, because I'm all about providing structure, but in a way that recognizes the humanity in decision making.

Speaker 3: 5:02

Well, it's something that we will all face at some point in our life the loss of somebody that is significant in our world. And so having the hope that you can have a structure to move through it not with no pain, but at least have that structure where you feel like you have a little bit of control and, yeah, to prepare you for it is incredible.

Speaker 2: 5:26

Well, and Michelle, I think what you've done is really given a like, an actual framework, as you say, to communication. Right, we talk about how important it is for us to have great communication in all of our relationships, and so, when you're able to create this framework, not only are you setting the stage for this open line of communication, but there's also I am assuming that all four of you, as you went into the retreat weekend in Sonoma that it's understanding that there is a significant level of vulnerability that's going to take place because you have to be so comfortable and familiar with what you want, how you want to feel, what it looks like, right, Like going through all of those senses and then sharing it with the people that are closest to you, which we don't ever, we don't typically put ourselves in those situations. This is communication to the second degree. Like this is communication squared.

Speaker 4: 6:20

So that was but I mean like you mentioned something really important though too, that I'm only just connecting the dots on now that often we don't necessarily like know. Like if I were to ask you what do you want? Yeah, it's usually not that easy to just answer that question blank, and so the question was actually debilitating to me a couple of years ago.

Speaker 2: 6:41

So had you asked me like I would just go into the fetal position, like I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 4: 6:46

But I mean, that's the thing, because and again, maybe you know, like part of this conversation is me just like connecting the dots back to okay, what, what are the things in my body of work that helped enable this and that could help others have similar types of conversations, because I've recognized that too in decision making, like, if I can talk about objectives, it's one of those components. But you know, people are like but I don't know what I want, or like, how do I get to the point of knowing? And I think that's where, like, I have a framework called the attractive concerning table that actually helps with that. It's like, how do we mine, even just like, our current feelings about different possible options in ways that will point to oh hey, these are some of the things that I'm noticing I might care about, and then, through that like articulation and externalization process, concerns that, well, these are the things that are coming up. Is this like, are these the things that I want to use to drive my decision making?

Speaker 2: 7:45

That's huge. These are all tools that we can put in our tool belt. I mean, obviously we are not able to just do them independently, but knowing, having, I think, having an understanding of them and knowing that there is there's actual, there are processes that we can follow in this. I can joke about it now, but you know, a few years ago, had you asked me what do you want? I have, I have no idea, I don't know.

Speaker 4: 8:06

Yeah, but I would have been writing things down can be so useful, right? Yes, Even just that again the process of externalizing our thoughts and feelings so that we can just like have something on paper to react to and then like double check with, even like our gut feeling and being willing to go through that.