Breaking Generational Trauma + Resiliency with Dana S Diaz (Part 2)

Have you ever felt trapped by the shadows of your family's past? Join us as Dana S Diaz shares her compelling story of breaking free from the grips of generational trauma and shame. Dana delves into the recurring patterns that have plagued her family, from toxic relationships to self-sabotaging behaviors. Her journey of transformation, resilience, and healing is both inspiring and a testament to the power of embracing healthier dynamics and reclaiming one's self-worth.

Dana gives us an exclusive peek into her upcoming book, "Rising from the Ashes: Breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse." Through interconnected narratives, she brings to life her tumultuous experiences with narcissists, providing a rich tapestry of stories that promise to captivate both readers and, potentially, film audiences. Discover the creative process behind her storytelling, from crafting profound book covers to envisioning cinematic adaptations—perhaps with someone like Natalie Portman in a leading role.

As Dana recounts a poignant moment involving a childhood photo, the image becomes a catalyst for reclaiming her narrative and taking control of her life's direction. This conversation underscores the importance of confronting one's past to regain personal power, offering listeners insights into overcoming adversity with renewed strength. Stay connected with us for more resources and insights on resilience by visiting reigniteresilience.com and following our community on social media. Join us for a journey of aha moments and real-life inspiration that empowers you to rewrite your own story.

About Dana S Diaz:
A survivor of child abuse and an abusive marriage, Dana S. Diaz has made it her mission to serve as a voice for victims of narcissistic abuse. Her experiences were the source of inspiration for Gasping for Air, her first book, and Choking on Shame, the prequel to be released in September 2024.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience, where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. Resilience where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm. And now here are your hosts, natalie Davis and Pamela Cass.

Speaker 2 0:41

Before we begin today's episodes, we want to provide you with a brief update. The content that you're about to hear contains sensitive information regarding trauma, narcissistic behavior and abuse, and, while our goal is to inspire growth and healing, we understand that these topics may be triggering to some. Your well-being is our priority. If you feel overwhelmed, please feel free to pause, take a breath and remember that you are stronger than you know. Together, we'll navigate this journey of resilience and transformation, but if you find yourself in need of additional support, we encourage you to reach out to a trusted friend, family member or mental health professional, and remember seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can also find additional resources for support by calling a national helpline that's dedicated to trauma and abuse survivors.

Speaker 2 1:34

Welcome back to part two of our two-part conversation with Dana S Diaz. We are so excited to dive right back in to hear more about Dana's story and how she's come to author the book Choking on Shame. We're also going to make sure that we hear what's next for Dana, because it doesn't end there she's finding herself rising from the ashes. We hope you enjoy Well Choking on Shame, dana. When we talk about shame, and just in listening to your story, it sounds like shame itself has impacted so many generations within your family, like your direct family. Unpack that for us, because I think that is a significant emotion that many people carry around and unless they're ready to face it and really address it, they'll carry it until their final days. Talk to us a little bit about shame and the impact that it's had on the multiple generations. Oh, a hundred percent.

Speaker 3 2:32

Yeah well, I think it's the key to everything. I think you hit the nail on the head because I watched my mother excuse, enable and tolerate and even though I chose to do different, I I fell into that pattern, which is a whole other psychological thing that was familiar to me. I wouldn't have known what to do with a nice guy that treated me good. I would have stirred up trouble, self-sabotaged, it felt I was unworthy, all that. But my grandma she was married to a drunk and violent narcissist Sound familiar, sounds like my ex.

Speaker 3 3:05

My grandma and I have actually bonded tremendously on the similarity of our husbands. So what my mother went through growing up in that house, when her father put a gun to her head when he was drunk, or all the times that my I don't even call him my grandfather, but he's passed but all the times he brought random women home and was interacting with them sexually on the sofa and my grandma found them. And I mean the horrific offenses, so the trauma they had all gone through. They had no idea how to deal with that. And I mean I've actually gone back and talked to enough people that were thinking it was about eight generations that there were trauma that we know of. Based on what we've heard, it just seems to be down the line. And my grandma always used to say the women in our family are cursed. And I was like, well, that curse stops with me. We do what we know. We do what we see. You know, it's like monkey see monkey do, and that's how kids are. And you just do the same thing and you don't think there's anything wrong with it, even if you see wrong with it. You don't know another way. And, as I said, even if I tried to go another way I mean I'm remarried now and I've known this man for a very long time, known his family 20 years, and he is I call him my gentle giant. He's very quiet, he's very sweet, six, five, two, 20 big man loves me very much. But, my God, is he nice.

Speaker 3 4:34

And there are some days, in the beginning especially, it was like too good to be true and it would catch me off guard that I literally I remember starting something up about a bottle of ketchup. I don't know how only I could start up trouble with a bottle of ketchup. And I'll never forget him just leaning against his one hand on the wall and just looking at me shaking his head with the cutest little smile. But I finally looked up at him like I'm having a tantrum, and he's like, are you done? And I'm like, yeah, I guess you know, because he wasn't being reactive to me and he wasn't giving in, he wasn't gonna start this back with me. So we ended up just going in and having dinner with this bottle of ketchup that I started trouble over and it sounds silly, but these are the things that, even at 40 some years old, your past comes back.

Speaker 3 5:30

Like you know, you would think that, oh, life is good now Blessings, happy life, peaceful life. She found a good guy, but you don't know what to do with that when all you've known in your life is chaos. And your mother, my mother, would always tell me well, he wouldn't hit you, he wouldn't treat you like that, he wouldn't talk to you like that if he didn't love you. So there was always this idea in my head Well, when somebody loves you, that's it, they're so passionate about you and my ex would always say that too I'm just so passionate about you.

Speaker 3 6:01

That's why I get so angry, that's why I punch holes in walls, that's why I swing crowbars at your head, that's why I have the knife, because I'm so passionate about how I feel about you. And so to undo that, after 40 some years, try teaching an old dog new tricks. So, unpacking that, natalie, let me tell you that second book kind of sent me back. We've had to start talking to somebody again because there was just so much there that got brought up and still stuff I had to deal with. I had come a long way, but I still had a ways to go.

Speaker 4 6:35

And so.

Speaker 3 6:36

I'm just glad that I'm open about my journey and I want people to see that this is a journey because it's never going to be over. And I want people to see that this is a journey because it's never going to be over. It's always going to be there. But, my God, even just this year alone, I have come so far from where I was and really I'm standing more in not just my authenticity but releasing that shame.

Speaker 3 7:00

But it's not easy and I don't ever want anyone to think that. It's just like you go talk to somebody every Thursday at two o'clock and you're okay, no, fairy godmother is waving a magic wand over you and you're going to start riding unicorns over rainbows. It just does not work that way. It is awful and terrible. You actually think you're regressing because the memories that come up and the things that you unpack and you might say something that makes somebody ask you a question that you're like I never thought of that, it never even occurred to me to think of that and then you start. It leads down other paths and I always say it's like digging up a rose, bush, if anyone's ever tried to do that, I have and it just it never fricking ends.

Speaker 3 7:44

You think you're getting your six feet under and those thorns are still there. That root will not let go. You cannot. You try jabbing it with a shovel, with the scissors. That's healing.

Speaker 2 7:59

That, folks, that's healing.

Speaker 3 8:03

Anger, it's frustration, it's crying. That's healing, sounds fabulous. It's anger, it's frustration, it's crying, it's hopelessness, yeah, but you get there eventually.

Speaker 4 8:12

Exactly, exactly you finish this book and then you start another one.

Speaker 3 8:17

Well, the other one. So I had this great idea, so Gasping for Air had this great response. Everyone said well, how do you end up in this situation?

Speaker 2 8:26

And so that was you and your partner. That was your relationship, your personal relationship, adult experience.

Speaker 3 8:32

That was my first marriage was gasping for air. So everyone wanted to know how do you end up in this toxic, abusive relationship? My answer was choking on shame. It's your childhood. That was my childhood experience.

Speaker 3 8:44

It might look a little different for other people, but it always comes from childhood.

Speaker 3 8:48

You always feel something deficient or shameful about you that you feel you don't deserve any better than this piece of crap. Forgive me, that treats you like like that. But at the same time that I was writing that me being a Capricorn and a multitasker, always trying to be so efficient thought oh well, everybody's asking about a sequel. They want to know what comes next too, because they know I'm remarried and they want to hear about healing and they want to know that there's hope for love after this awful thing you went through. So I was writing the sequel while the publisher had Choking on Shame, the second book, like while they were doing some manuscript evaluations and giving me revisions, I was simultaneously scrambling to write a sequel, because everybody wanted a sequel and I'm like my God, I'm trying to give people what they want and you know, we all know from marketing and everything else, like got to ride the wave while it's still there. So that was a process trying to write two books at once and be in this mindset and then switch to this mindset.

Speaker 4 9:58

Yeah, totally different spaces.

Speaker 3 10:00

Completely, but I think it's good. I think overall we have two really solid books. I'm actually totally okay with choking on shame not doing as well as gasping for air because of the fact that it's too honest and too triggering. That tells me I did a good job.

Rising From the Ashes

Speaker 3 10:20

And hopefully people that need to read it will read it and people that are not ready maybe they'll get there. But maybe they'll read the sequel. Because I did write them all and that was the tricky part. I wanted them each to be standalone books that you never have to read more than the one you choose to read. But if you read one, there's tidbits in each one that refer to both of the others. So it's kind of interesting that way. You get little I call them sprinkles like you sprinkle on a cupcake. Get little, I call them sprinkles like you sprinkle on a cupcake. You know you get little sprinkles of that one in here and that, so you might be inclined then to read another one. But I'm hoping that the sequel it's much lighter. There's definitely still drama. We still have the return of my ex because, like I always say, like cockroaches they never seem to go away.

Speaker 4 11:13

That's not what I usually say. I say something different, but I shall not say it.

Speaker 3 11:18

Yeah, it probably has the A word, which is the word I refer to him as and what he is in my phone. But I hear you on that, but that's my polite version version. But he comes back a fourth narcissist, if you could believe it, my mother and stepfather and the end of that they're in it and I actually. The third book I'm excited about because, even though it's lighter, it has a lot of there's a lot of juicy drama. Even if you just like like gossip, be like oh my god, that happened for real.

Speaker 3 11:47

Yeah, for real, it happened. I don't know how my life becomes so exciting without me going anywhere. I stay home with my cats and all these things happen. But I swear to God, it's amazing, the superpower I have on people, the effect, but it's exciting. I have it in two parts.

Speaker 3 12:05

Book three has part one, which is the narcissistic apocalypse, where all four for a new narcissist and the three from the past all hit me at once. I am divorced, engaged, selling my house, moving out of my house, my son is graduating high school and going off to college. All this happened in an eight-month period, oh, and I remarried and we moved in with my current husband. So it was a time. And in the midst of all this, I have four narcissists literally smearing my name, trying to sabotage my relationship, trying to stop my wedding. It was something, and this is all. I didn't even include everything that happened, but it's very exciting. And you think you get to the wedding. At the end of part one, we got married, love one, I got the guy, everything's good, she's gonna live a nice life. And then there's a part two, because it doesn't ever end. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 13:05

I'm like wait, but what?

Speaker 4 13:08

else I feel like these books are going to be movies.

Speaker 2 13:12

You took the words right out of my mouth. I don't think there's another book, but I'd love to see it as a screenplay. Keep that momentum going.

Speaker 3 13:20

I've had a couple people mention Netflix. I do have somebody that has connections that has suggested it to Mark Wahlberg's production company.

Speaker 4 13:32

Who knows?

Speaker 3 13:33

I'm open, it's certainly not the most horrific marriage or child abuse or whatever. But I mean, I'm at the point where I read parts of my books and I laugh because it's just so ridiculous to me that this has been my life and that I'm still standing on that I can laugh about it. But yeah, part two so you know Natalie is revelations. That's what we call it. We're going biblical with this one. It's where I start kind of shifting my mindset and this is the part that I'm hoping people will kind of respond to and maybe start think about starting their healing journey. But it's funny, I'm going to give one thing away. At the very end of book three, the very last part comes full circle, comes back to my mother and that is the key to everything, my relationship with my mother. But I can't say what happens. But it's a pretty profound moment, I know, I know.

Speaker 4 14:28

It comes out? When does it come out?

Speaker 3 14:29

Tell the listeners February of 2025. Okay, and I have changed the name. Hopefully I won't change it again because they're designing the cover right now, but we're calling it Rising from the Ashes, breaking the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.

Speaker 4 14:42

I love. It All right, who will play you?

Speaker 3 14:45

I don't know, somebody asked me that and I'm like you know, I thought Natalie Portman, maybe I know Right, yes, yeah, that would be good.

Speaker 4 14:59

I can see that that gave me chills. I think that would be awesome. Oh my gosh, I can tell.

Speaker 3 15:01

I still haven't decided who should play my ex, though I don't know, it's hard.

Speaker 4 16:01

That's a hard one. Yeah, a hard one.

Healing and Self-Discovery Through Trauma

Speaker 2 16:05

I bet there's an actor that's up for the challenge, right, because it's all about getting into that space and it's the challenge of the role. Oh, I'm so excited for this to become a screenplay. This is great. Okay, well.

Speaker 3 16:16

I wish I wrote the screenplays, but if there's anyone listening that has these connections, yes, we're open to talks.

Speaker 4 16:23

Yes, beautiful, beautiful.

Speaker 2 16:26

Dana tell us, choking on shame. What is the one key moment memory item in just either writing it, seeing it published and in print, or even picking it back up and reading pieces of the book? What is one thing that really stands out to you for that book?

Speaker 3 16:44

I don't know if I could say one thing Maybe it's I have the most amazing cover designer. He's doing the third book as well. He did. I love what he did with Gasping for Air.

Speaker 3 16:53

It was like profound to me what he did with that Choking on Shame. He asked me for a picture of me as a little girl and I was like what are you getting at? He's like don't ask, just send me some pictures. So I didn't know what he was looking for. I'm thinking a sad little girl. So I sent him a sad picture. I sent him some happy ones, but when he showed me the cover, I think it just really shook me because he chose a very happy moment. I was actually twirling around and the camera caught me just as I was coming back to the front and my hair was flying and I had this big smile. I'm one of those people. If I'm really happy, like you can tell in the twinkle in my eyes, I just have the big smile, as opposed to my fake like yes, I'm happy, like I'm not really yeah, we all have that fake one.

Speaker 3 17:43

But and then he did like a shattered mirror on the picture of me, and I think that's when it really kind of like I didn't like the idea of my picture being on the cover, but when I saw this happy little girl I almost looked at her like, even though it was me, like who is that? Who could I have been? Things could have been so different, but that shattered glass on that image, just I mean I'm getting chills now thinking of it.

Speaker 4 18:14

And.

Speaker 3 18:15

I just thought, oh my, I mean, that's exactly what happened to me. Somebody just took my innocence and just carelessly destroyed it and I think that that just shook me. Like I said, even though I wrote the book and even though I lived it, and even seeing that visual was really hard. But the other part of it was and I don't like to give away any ending of anything but the last part of the book. If anyone ever gets it, don't go straight to the back now, but the very last chapter. So don't go straight to the back now, but the very last chapter, the ending of the book. I will say a little tidbit. I reintroduce a book that actually yes, I still have it right here with my books my mother had given me this book To my Daughter With Love.

Speaker 3 19:03

Okay, kind of ironic, it's a book of poetry. She gave this to me I was maybe in third or fourth grade and I always kept it on the hutch of my dresser. And so at the very end of the book, I'm in college. I didn't graduate on time because I was going to school full-time, working full-time and I had a part-time job because I was trying to make it on my own. She gave me this book back as a present with the flippant comment Well, I was going to give this to you as a graduation gift from college, but since you didn't graduate. But she had written inside the front cover and I'm looking at it now, I mean she just wrote all this advice for life. I won't read the whole thing, but I include this in the book. This was in 1997.

Speaker 3 19:56

Dear Dana, I kept this book for a long time, believing I would come up with profound advice for living that would make a difference in your life. I didn't. For living that would make a difference in your life, I didn't. And she says I still have ideas. But what's hard about this for me is there's just so much. It's things like get regular oil changes, shower every day. I mean she was really reaching it just shows the detachment she had from being my mother. But the thing that caught me and I probably shouldn't. But all the way in the very bottom corner and this is how I end the book she says it's okay to be a hypocrite. And I say at the end of the book it's not okay to be a hypocrite. But it needed to be okay for her and I think when I opened this book so that I could include that letter and those pieces of advice and I saw that again after all these years, it's okay to be a hypocrite.

Speaker 3 20:59

That was so telling about her life and how she led it, and that's when I realized that it was her unhealed trauma that I had been carrying as a burden in my heart yeah, ouch, yeah deep stuff.

Speaker 2 21:17

Absolutely so.

Speaker 3 21:19

shall I pose the same question then for book three Rising from the Ashes in this book, because this brings you to current date and you can see how far I've come in overcoming my past, with my mother and stepfather dealing with my ex. The book three is Dana coming out like she's not giving a crap anymore, like Dana is standing firm in who she is and what she believes in and what's right more importantly and we're not going back to that stuff this is a new Dana. This is the title. Actually it was a whole different title, but my one friend kept saying you're like a phoenix rising from the ashes. You're like a phoenix and I'm like no honey, I'm like a nuclear bomb. Like this stuff is done, but I love it.

Speaker 3 22:24

This honey, I'm like a nuclear bomb, like this stuff is done, but I love it. This is the puff of smoke that you're seeing. It's going to all clear. I am like, yes, I am coming out, no holds barred, with this one but it's about the healing.

Speaker 3 22:34

It's about inspiring other people to take charge, take control and say no, that is not who I am. No matter what anyone says, no matter what anyone does. I get to decide my life. I get my power back, and that's what I'm doing in this book. So it's a very exciting thing and I'm very excited for it because it's not as psychologically intense Like gasping for air, kind of had you on your seat and everybody says it's a page turner, and everybody says they're rooting for me and I get out, but choking on shame. It's like people are just having a real tough time just even conceiving that somebody could treat their child like that. But this is the one that people are gonna be like yeah yeah, yeah, get them, get them.

Speaker 3 23:21

but I do it nicely, I'm a nice girl, I don't get too snarky. Not, people are going to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, get them, get them. But I do it nicely, I'm a nice girl, I don't get too snarky.

Speaker 4 23:26

Not that you had to be, but okay, yeah. Well, maybe this last book, when people read it, it will want them to read the first book so that they can see where you've come from, Because I think to me that's a journey of hope. They can see, you know, this is what you had as a child, but look where you're at now. And so maybe people just reading that last book will inspire them to say wait, where was she at the very beginning and maybe they'll go back.

Speaker 3 23:52

And that's the very key thing, because through all three, what you get to in the final book, the last chapter of book three, where we come full circle back to my mother, comes back to. I was always made to feel that I didn't belong, that I didn't even belong here, that I wasn't supposed to exist. I was told that I was never supposed to be born and I struggled to belong because I was bullied at school as a little girl I was the little Hispanic girl with the curly hair who rolled her R's when all the other kids were Jewish and they just didn't know what to do with me, and my mother was always trying to straighten my hair and tell me how to talk and put me in clothes that they wore instead of what I wanted to wear. I couldn't wear my Menudo shirt. I had to wear Gap clothes with the little. You know. It was always about not being accepted for who I was and trying to fit in somewhere. But I could never quite find where I fit.

Speaker 3 24:50

And when you don't even fit with your own mother and your own family, ouch, like that's who you should fit into if nobody else. So I think it appeals appeals like I get a lot of people that identify differently than their birth gender, that identify kind of with that idea of what I went through, people that are from different cultures, that may not fit in with the communities they're being raised in. So it kind of appeals to a lot of people. But it's interesting how you get to the point where you realize no, I do belong here and I'm a spiritual person. And it took my priest telling me you're not your mother child, you're a child of God, and that's all you need to know and that's what you need to go with. Follow your path, follow your heart. And that's what I'm doing. And if I can help somebody with the little wisdom I have to offer and the things I've learned, if they could come to this earlier in their life and heal from it sooner, then that's all I'm trying to do.

Speaker 2 25:49

Beautiful Love that, Dana. Do you have any final words of advice for our listeners as we wrap up our episode today?

Speaker 3 25:58

I always tell people my only advice that I like to give. It's very general, but I tell people to trust their gut, because we go through life doubting, questioning, saying maybe, or I can't, or should I, and all that you know. Even in relationships and this primarily comes back to my first marriage you know we try to force relationships that just don't organically work. Yet we all know what it's like to meet somebody and just click Like you're like, oh my God, you're like my best friend, you're my twin, you know, sister from another mister, whatever it is, and why we don't do that with romantic relationships with all of our friends, like it's okay for us to be different and it's okay for us not all to agree or get along or whatever, but be respectful and be kind.

Speaker 3 26:49

I think, especially with this last election, let's just all be respectful and be kind, because we're going to do more together than we are divided, and maybe I want everyone to sing Kumbaya and the world to be wonderful again. But it starts with us. You know, if we love and we're kind and we're respectful and we put that on the world, but it comes back to trusting our gut. We know right from wrong. Do what's good, do the next right thing and then that'll have a domino effect, hopefully, on the people that you interact with well.

Speaker 4 27:21

This has been so much fun to have you on again. It was like getting together with a little friend exactly. I am so excited to watch this on netflix oh, I'm so excited.

Speaker 3 27:32

I hope it comes. I hope that it will.

Speaker 4 27:35

We are speaking it into existence because we're gonna give that lots of energy they need to hear your story and if it's, if it's everyone out there listening people would watch it. They would get something from it or natalie portman, please. Or natalie portman, if you're out there yeah, exactly dana's contact information is in the show notes.

Speaker 2 27:59

Oh my gosh, yeah. We'll do a little cameo. We'll do cameo is in the show notes. I'll link it right off. Oh my gosh, yeah.

Speaker 4 28:02

We'll do a little cameo. We'll do cameo appearances in the movie or something that would be amazing. That could be at the end, like where we don't know how the rest of my life is.

Speaker 3 28:11

She's podcasting now. Yes, yeah, I love that. You all heard it here first. So just know that this is, this is where we create it and we're going to support it and push it through.

Speaker 4 28:21

I love this Absolutely.

Spreading the Word and Connecting

Speaker 2 28:22

This is so great, dana, thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming back and sharing the rest of your story. And when we wrapped up on your first appearance on the show, you kind of alluded to the fact that this was going to go a little bit deeper and it may ruffle a couple of feathers, and there's no doubt there but I think the message that you're delivering to the readers, to our listeners, is one that's so important, especially for the individuals that have found themselves in these situations, and I think it's also empowering to the individuals that may be the giver on that side, right. So the people that don't even realize the impact that they've had with the things that they've said, the treatment that they've had on the people in their lives. So thank you for pouring your all into these three books. We really appreciate it, yeah.

Speaker 3 29:05

Well, it's my pleasure and thank you guys so much for having me back on. You guys are so much fun. Absolutely love you and your cat has been so well behaved back there, just sleeping, I know.

Speaker 4 29:15

This is her life. This is her life, her cameo appearance on every podcast.

Speaker 2 29:19

Her life, her, like her cameo appearance on every podcast. Well, we will make sure to put all of Dana's contact information in the show notes. We'll also link the books in the show notes so that you all can grab a copy of the book as well. And if you are interested in learning more about what's happening in the world of reignite resilience, head on over to reigniteresiliencecom, or you can find us on Facebook and Instagram. Until next time, we'll see you all soon.

Speaker 1 29:43

Bye everyone. Thank you for joining us today on the Reignite Resilience podcast. We hope you had some aha moments and learned a few new real life ideas. To fuel the flames of passion, please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform, like or download your favorite episodes and, of course, share with your friends and family. We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience.