The Wheel of Fear + Resiliency with Rhonda Britten (part 1)

Imagine witnessing your father murder your mother and then take his own life—at just fourteen years old. For Emmy Award winner and master coach Rhonda Britten, this unthinkable tragedy became the crucible that eventually forged her life's work helping others break free from the hidden grip of fear.

In this raw and transformative episode, Rhonda shares how this devastating childhood trauma led to years of alcoholism, multiple DUIs, and three suicide attempts. The turning point? A simple calendar and gold stars—giving herself credit for anything worth living for, one day at a time. This humble beginning launched her journey toward creating the Fearless Living Institute and developing groundbreaking methods that have helped thousands reclaim their lives.

Rhonda reveals that most of us don't recognize fear's control over our lives. Those behaviors we label as character flaws—people-pleasing, procrastination, perfectionism, comparing, judging—are actually fear responses. Through her revolutionary "Wheel of Fear" framework, she demonstrates how our core fears (formed by age seven) trigger responses that keep us trapped in self-defeating cycles.

What makes this conversation particularly powerful is Rhonda's emphasis on awareness rather than elimination. Fear is part of our neurobiology—even passed down through DNA—but by relabeling these behaviors as fear responses rather than personal failings, we create space for new possibilities. The path to resilience isn't about eliminating fear, but understanding it so deeply it no longer controls your choices.

Ready to discover your own hidden fear patterns and break free from what's holding you back? This episode will forever change how you view your struggles and provide practical tools to jump from your "Wheel of Fear" to your "Wheel of Freedom." Your past doesn't define you—but understanding it might be the key to your future.

The Quiet Gift: A Journey of Self Worth and Resilience is now available for download as an audible.  Check it out!

Transcript

Reignite Resilience Introduction

Speaker 1 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within . But how do we spark that flame ? Welcome to Reignite Resilience , where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit . Resilience where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit . We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm . And now here are your hosts , natalie Davis and Pamela Cass .

Speaker 2 0:41

Welcome back to reignite resilience . I am your cohost , natalie Davis , with a sultry kind of voice today , I guess , and joining me , of course , is Pam Kass Pam , how are you today ?

Speaker 3 0:53

Well , I'm probably better than you are . I'm like at the very tail end of my cold , and so I'm just sucking on a throat lozenger , and you've got the sultry voice . I think we make a good pair .

Speaker 2 1:05

It's going to be a good combo . Exactly , I am in a much better state than I was yesterday , so that I'll take it , and you know , I can only hope that tomorrow is going to be even better than that . So I am just happy to be here . It is always a challenge when I lose my voice or I have challenges with my voice . But now I'm thinking there was something mentioned as we were prepping for our episode today that when you go through kind of big life changes , sometimes you lose your voice . My entire livelihood hinges on my voice and I've lost it twice in the last two months , so I also am going through a big change . That's probably why Anywho , enough about me Exactly , we have a fabulous guest that's joining us . Why don't you tell our listeners who's joining us today ?

Meet Rhonda Britten: Emmy Winner, Master Coach

Speaker 3 1:47

Absolutely . Today we have Rhonda Britton . She is an Emmy Award winner , repeat Oprah guest and master coach , has changed lives of over 600 episodes of reality television , including starring in the hit daytime reality show Starting Over . She is the author of four bestselling books , including her seminal work , Fearless Living , and is the founder of the Fearless Living Institute , home of the Ivy League of life coaching training . Named America's favorite life coach , she brings the neuroscience of fear down to earth , giving you a path out of not being good enough , using the wheels technology she developed to save her own life . Welcome , I am so excited to dive in and learn more about you , and learn more about all these amazing things that you have done and how many people you've impacted .

Speaker 4 2:44

Well , thank you very much and I'm so excited . And resilience is like one of my very favorite subjects because , in order to have resilience , for some of us are born with a little bit more than others , right , but some of us have to earn it . And I say resilience is earned by crawling through glass , right , it's like you've got to call the crawl through glass . You've been through something . If you're a resilient person , you have been through something , whether you know it or not , and you have achieved , you have conquered , you have had the phoenix rising . So , for anyone out there listening right now , if you would like more resilience , you probably have more than you think . And if you know , you have resilience because people have told you or maybe you've identified it . Trust me , you've walked through glass . You may not have known it , but I'm telling you

Tragedy at 14: Witnessing Unimaginable Loss

Speaker 4 3:24

you have .

Speaker 3 3:25

Yeah , yeah , well , tell us kind of how your journey started .

Speaker 4 3:32

Oh well , I'm going to tell you my big glass story , the biggest crawling through glass story I've got . Yes , the biggest one . And you know , I believe that your worst days of your life are where your seeds of destiny are . So you're asking me about the worst day of my life , which is when I was 14 years old . I grew up in a little tiny , tiny town in upper Michigan . 300 inches of snow a year , yes , 300 inches of snow a year . Two restaurants , the fancy Douglas House Buffet Hotel and Big Boy . That's it . We didn't even have a McDonald's . That was an hour and a half away , and when people went to that big town it was like , did you go to McDonald's ? Right , it was a big deal , right .

Speaker 4 4:04

And my parents had recently separated and it was Father's Day , so my father was coming over to take us all out to brunch . So I am in my mother's room and she's puffing up her beehive hairdo and putting on a blue eyeshadow and putting on a rose colored lipstick , and my two sisters are in our one bathroom fighting it out and my dad walks in the back door . Come on , girls , let's go , let's go , let's go , because that's what dads do . And so me and my mom start following my dad towards the back door to go outside into the car to get ready to leave , and my sister's still fighting it out in the bathroom . And as me and my dad mom start walking out , my dad notices it's starting to rain so he says he has to get this coat from the car . Now . This coat was a tan naga suit coat . Now you're too young to know what a tan Naugahyde leisure suit coat looked like , but I'm telling you it was hot back then . Him in his polyester pants and his checkered shirt , I mean , he looked good , looking good , dad .

Speaker 4 4:53

So he opens his trunk and I notice out of the corner of my eye that he is not grabbing a coat , but he has grabbed a gun . And he starts yelling at my mother you made me do this , you made me do this . And he fires and I start screaming dad , what are you doing ? Dad , stop , what are you doing , dad ? And he cocks the gun again , he points it at me and he blinks . I blink , he blinks , I blink . And then my mother , who already has one bullet inside her , notices what's happening and screams out literally with her last breath no , don't . And my father , realizing my mother is still alive , takes that bullet intended for me , points it at my mother , shoots her a second time and that second bullet goes through my mother's abdomen , out her back , lands in the car horn and for the next 20 minutes all we heard is and then my father cocks the gun one more time , puts it to his temple and fires .

Speaker 4 5:44

So in a matter of less than two minutes I was a sole witness of watching my father murder my mother and commit suicide in front of me . Now I don't know how you two would react . I don't know how you would do , but this is what I did . I blamed myself . I didn't do nothing heroic . I was the only one out there that could have stopped it . I didn't kick my father's shins , I didn't grab the gun , I didn't even jump in front of my mother . So , by the way , when you watch your mother die at the hands of your father and you did nothing , you don't get happy to be happy ever again . That's off the table .

Speaker 4 6:15

So for the next 20 years , I started drinking , became an alcoholic and got three DUIs and tried to kill myself three times , and it was the third suicide attempt that I realized something that I'm not very good at killing myself , not skilled at it , and there's got to be a different way . Now , when you do try to kill yourself three times , they do put you in a psychiatric ward for evaluation . So they evaluated me and deemed me not crazy and let me go home to my little studio apartment . I lived by myself . And I got home and I was so , on one hand , angry that I was still alive and confounded about everything I'd done until then , because not only was I drinking DUI and suiciding , but I also was going to therapy , I was taking workshops , I was reading books . I mean , I read my first health book when I was 12 . And I told my parents that I wanted to be a minister at 13 . So I'm a learner , I learn . I took everything I could do . You name it , I've done it .

Speaker 4 7:13

And so here I am after my third suicide attempt , very much alive and realizing everything I done , all the work I'd done on myself . It gave me knowledge , it gave me tools , but it did not take away the feeling that there's something wrong with me . There is something fundamentally wrong with me . So I said I have to start over . I mean again , all that was good , but I have to start over . And so I thought to myself what do kindergartners do ? Well , they have a calendar and gold stars . So I went to the store , got a calendar with gold stars and every day for the next 30 days , I gave myself a gold star .

Speaker 4 7:46

Anytime , anytime I did anything worth living for , anything to give me hope that I was supposed to stay alive and that I had meaning and value to my life . Like any , I'm talking anything . We're talking drinking , but not getting drunk . We're talking getting angry and not breaking anything . So that's the level of evolution I was at .

Speaker 4 8:05

And after 30 days I had a calendar filled with gold stars and I still have that calendar , by the way , in my office and that calendar , looking at that calendar , gave me hope that there was a reason I was alive . There was a reason that I was still here Now . I didn't know what it was yet at the time , but it gave me the courage to keep going , to keep going and to keep searching and to keep living my life . And then , a few years after that , I fell into an ABCDE and got me here . But that story really defined me for a long time because I never told the truth about it . I always lied about it because I didn't want anyone to know , because it was so humiliating , and so I'm from one of those families , right ? So the fact that I am able to tell my story now is a testament to how much I've grown , because I could never tell it before .

Speaker 2 8:55

And did you just simply avoid telling the story altogether , or did you create a new one ? Was there a new narrative that you felt safer in ?

Speaker 4 9:05

Well , this is what would happen . So , uh , somebody would say parents , something about parents right , and go , mine have passed . And they always said the same thing , both of them and I go , yes , both of them . And then they always said , literally always an accident . And I can't lie , I have a really hard time lying like it's not for me to lie . So in my mind , this is what I did yes , an accident . My father accidentally bought a gun . He accidentally put a bullet in it . He accidentally you know a cock did he accidentally shot my mother twice , accidentally shot himself . Yes , it was an accident , but of course I didn't say any of that . I just went yep , and I let people believe that so you did this journey by yourself .

Speaker 3 9:44

I mean , yes , you were going to counseling , but all intents purposes you were taking this journey on your own .

Speaker 4 9:52

Yeah , because me and my sisters

The Healing Journey Begins

Speaker 4 9:53

, after it happened , we lived together for a couple years and then , by the time I hit my senior year , we separated . So my younger sister moved in with the family . I got my own apartment in my senior year of high school . My sister moved to a different state , my older sister moved to a different state , and so from the age of 14 , they had no money and we had a mortgage payment . So we stayed . I think about it now and I'm so shocked . We did this , but I think because we had nothing . We had nowhere else to go . We didn't know what to do . We stayed in that house for two years walking by the place . They died at least twice a day , you know , to go to school or to whatever . And so between my little bit , me and my younger sister got a little social security I think it was $200 at the time and my older sister worked at a grocery store and then I waitressed and babysat . That's how we survived . And we are from the town .

Speaker 4 10:45

My parents grew up in the town that this happened in , and I'll give you an example of my relatives . My uncle , just a few years ago , my mom's brother , asked me hey , where'd you girls go after that ? And I said uncle , we lived in that house . Oh really , I called once . That's my family . Nobody asked about how I was feeling , nobody , even nobody brought food over . Nobody knew how to deal with it , right , nobody knew how to deal with something like that , so they just didn't deal with it yeah , we don't know what to say , we're just gonna yeah , but you can make food and drop it off .

Speaker 4 11:19

Absolutely right , absolutely . But it's like they didn't want I think they didn't want to be associated with it . They were humiliated and embarrassed that it was their brother or sister that this happened to . I think they were , yeah , horrified and they just didn't come by For at least two years that you were lived in that home .

Speaker 4 11:38

Well , you know , the only reason I am in touch with my relatives today is because of me , and my sisters would say the same thing yeah , as I started to heal myself , I started going back home and I started asking questions about my mom and dad . Yeah , because you know , they died when I was 14 . So I wanted to know more about them . I wanted to understand from their perspective what happened . And it was interesting because when I went in my 20s , when I was still drinking , nobody would share anything with me nobody . It was only in my 30s , when I was sober and I was on the other side of this right , that I'd forgiven my parents . I had done all that heavy lifting of forgiveness of my father , my mother and then myself .

Speaker 4 12:24

It's like the energetic shift happened and then I started interviewing the same people and they shared everything with me , and I would show up with a notebook and a cassette recorder and I'd take tapes because I wanted to understand who my mother was , because , again , she died when I was 14 . And I don't have any tapes of her voice . I don't have any movies of her . I don't have any movies of her . You know , it just breaks my heart and I'm so grateful for iPhones right now , in that moment that everyone gets to record their parents and record their loved ones and you know , a video so that they can remember their voice and remember their jokes and remember that energy they shared .

Speaker 3 13:00

Yeah , okay . So you went through all of this and then you said you know CDF . And then I'm here . You did a lot Like . There's like , yeah , I'm reading your bio and I'm just like this and this and this and I'm like I think that's where we reference .

Speaker 2 13:17

It's like yada yada .

Speaker 3 13:18

And here I am .

Speaker 2 13:19

Right , yada , yada , and we're here .

Speaker 4 13:22

That's right , I'm just here now I mean you have done a lot . Well , I have , and I have . Thank you for acknowledging that . I really appreciate that , thank you . And it really was what I do today .

Speaker 4 13:35

I never believed I could do or that I had a right to do it , because as I was moving through and forgiving my parents because I didn't forgive my parents fully and completely until the 20th anniversary of their death , so I was 34 years old and I'd forgiven them in my mind many times . But that's when I did a huge ceremony and I asked my best friend to come and witness because I needed , I need witnesses because I think we as human beings forget all the good we've done , all the healing we've done . I believe in having witnesses . So I asked her , I said will you come with me while I watch , while I do this ceremony ? And she was like yes , and so she sat over there . She wasn't near me at all , she was like 20 , 10 , 15 feet away and I brought paper and pens and sage and you know , you know burning stuff and and I just wrote letters about anger and then I wrote , I cut up , I wrote all the things that they took from me because they died , and then I wrote all the things that I gained from them , having been my parents , and then I wrote a thank you letter to them and each one as I went I ripped them up and put them into this copper bowl that I had and I'm from the copper country , so you have to have a copper bowl and I sat at a little lake in front with my little copper bowl and I just did all this work and just spoke to them and I was there .

Speaker 4 15:02

I was there hours , I was probably there four hours and my friends just sitting there , you know , hanging out . But when I burned it then I buried it .

Speaker 3 15:11

Mm-hmm .

Speaker 4 15:12

And I will never forget . I'm going to start crying . I will never forget the feeling I had when I stood up and I turned from that lake and started walking away . I had the overwhelming realization that this was the very first time in my entire life I was walking in my own two feet , with nobody on my back . I wasn't carrying my parents anymore . I remember saying I am walking in my own shoes , in my own footsteps , for the first time in my life . I mean , it was just so overwhelming feeling and I'll never forget that I I just walking to my car and going , I can breathe , and I didn't know I couldn't breathe Right , and I didn't know I was carrying him on my back , right . I didn't know any of that . I thought that I had gone through so much healing already that I'm sure this is just a a final ceremony . No , no , because I started with my father . I forgave my father and then I forgave my mother .

Speaker 4 16:23

And in order to forgive my mother , because people ask me why did you forgive your mother ? Well , for 20 years I kept her on a pedestal

The Wheel of Fear Explained

Speaker 4 16:29

right , she's the victim , my mother right . But again , I'm . My mother did not cause her death . So I want to make sure everyone hears me say that she did not cause her death , because nobody should take a gun and shoot somebody , right ? But what I did is look at her as a human being , right as a , because by the time I did this I was 34 . She died when she was 39 .

Speaker 4 16:54

So I started looking at her kind of woman to woman . She stayed with my father even though she caught him cheating . She stayed with my father when he tried to strangle me when I was 12 . So I looked at her as , again , it's not her fault that she was murdered . But she also didn't escape . You know , she didn't escape when she was younger and I understand it was the times and she couldn't escape . I get that , I mean . And yet I had to take her off the pedestal in order to let it go . So then she was harder to forgive because I had to take her off the pedestal , because it was better to have her on the pedestal , right , like innocent victim , right . And then me forgiving myself was , of course , the hardest of all , because I'm still alive and letting go of the shame of not saving her and when they died , my sister .

Speaker 4 17:49

So the guns are , the guns are fine . My dad's firing the gun and my older sister here's the guns and she runs across the street to the american legion and tried to find somebody . Because it was 10 30 in the morning on sunday , hope somebody was there drinking . And we to find somebody . Because it was 1030 in the morning on Sunday , hope somebody was there drinking . And we actually found somebody . It was actually the principal of our school , wow , and I , after that happened , went searching for my sisters , found my sister , saw her outside , ran out there and then our principal did not let us go to our mother so I didn't get to hold her .

Speaker 4 18:16

You know she didn't die in my arms right Like she didn't , like I had none of that right , so forgiving myself for that .

Speaker 3 18:25

Yeah , yeah , what a beautiful ceremony to go through . And I think you're right , it's so , you think we're doing good until we go through something like that . And then we're like , oh , I really wasn't , it was just being pushed down .

Speaker 4 18:39

Right , but we don't even know it .

Speaker 3 18:41

We don't even know it , because it becomes our normal .

Speaker 4 18:43

It totally becomes our normal . And that's one of the things when I started realizing , because I grew up in a I'm from upper Michigan , people don't feel there . I'm Finnish , so we sure don't feel and we don't , you know , ask any questions about emotions , and so I didn't have any knowledge of fear . If you would have asked me during those 20 years if I was scared while I was drinking , suiciding and , you know , being an alcoholic , I would have told you no , I would have told you I'm not scared , I'm not afraid of anything . I would have told you that because I believed that until I started waking up and recognizing how insidious fear is and how many ways it shows up . And it's one of the things that I have to work with my clients on right away , like if I meet somebody and I go oh , you know , they go , oh , you work with fear , well , I'm not afraid .

Speaker 4 19:28

Most people say , well , I'm not afraid . Or they'll say , well , I'm afraid of rejection , or I'm afraid of failure , or they'll say I'm afraid of snakes , right . But it's really one of the reasons I give a little quiz to help people start identifying how fear shows up in their life , so that they can no longer be tricked , like I was for until I was , you know , in my mid thirties . Interesting , that's right . Do you want the quiz ? Yes , I was like . Tell us , I am going to give you , lovely ladies , a quiz and for anybody listening or watching , go ahead and shut your eyes . Go ahead and shut your eyes . And if you can't shut your eyes because you're driving , please don't shut your eyes .

Speaker 2 20:02

Please don't close your eyes if you are operating a motor vehicle . Thank you , anything that you would not say Anything heavy , anything heavy .

Speaker 4 20:11

Carrying your child . Don't shut your eyes . Don't do it . Don't do it . Don't do it Walking across the street . Don't shut your eyes . So I want you to shut your eyes if it's possible and nod your head if you do any of these things or feel any of these things , okay , all right , here we go .

Speaker 4 20:25

Lovely ones . Do you ever isolate ? Do you ever deny ? Do you ever pretend everything's okay when it's not ? Do you ever hide out ? Do you ever compare ? Do you ever settle ? Do you ever secretly manipulate ? What about get defensive ? What about judge ? Do you complain ? How about procrastination ? Do you wait and call it patience ? Do you ever blame , struggle , worry , deflect , whine , control ? Do you ever feel bitter ? How about powerless , dissatisfied ? What about resentful , entitled , guilty ? What about disappointed ? Are you ever a perfectionist or a people pleaser ? Do you ever

Identifying Your Core Fear Triggers

Speaker 4 21:12

feel irresponsible , overwhelmed , ignored ? Do you get caught in self-pity ? Do you get irritated , like you might feel now with me reading these words ? Do you ever feel like a victim ? Do you ever feel annoyed ? Go ahead and open your eyes and what percentage lovely ones do you think you have if you're willing to tell the truth .

Speaker 2 21:31

Oh , I think I'm like at 80% .

Speaker 3 21:33

Yeah , I'm very high . I'm probably like 85 , 90% yeah .

Speaker 4 21:37

I love your honesty because whether I give this quiz to a thousand people or a hundred people , I would say 95% of people have over 95% . I would dare say most of those people have a hundred percent . So this is what I started uncovering , slowly but surely , in my own healing is that I thought , like I said , there was something wrong with me , right ? And when I started understanding that these are fear responses , these are simply fear responses , and when you start seeing that the problems you think you have , like wish I could procrastinate . Oh , I wish I could quit judging . Oh my God , I hate comparing . I know better , I know better , I know better . Oh , oh , I wish I could quit procrastinating . Oh , I wish I could quit judging . Oh my God , I hate comparing . I know better , I know better , I know better . Oh , people , please , I gotta get better at boundaries , right , we all know it . Right , we know it . If you're here right now , you probably have done enough work on yourself that you know it , and you , if you're like me , I thought I and I beat myself up for it . God , rhonda , you know better than this . What's your problem ? And so that beating yourself up is the number one tool fear uses to keep you in prison , to keep you imprisoned by fear .

Speaker 4 22:45

So the first thing that we want to do when I work with clients and students , I say the easiest way to start understanding how fear works is just starting to keep track of your fear responses and relabeling oh , I'm procrastinating . Oh , I'm judging . No , I'm beating myself up , right ? No , that is a fear response . That is a fear . I'm not bad or wrong for that experience , it is simply a fear response . So when you relabel , neuroscience says when you relabel , you're creating a new story , you're creating a new perception . And neuroscience says the only way , the only way to change your life is to have a new perception . So relabeling starts to change your story , change how you see them , and letting go of beating yourself up gives you the space and the willingness and the courage and the possibility to create a new future , to create a new present moment , to create a new future . So this is one of the things is the very first thing I have to overcome with people is for them even to recognize that they have fear .

Speaker 2 23:42

Wow , when you were reading through that list , I was like yeah , yes yes , well , and those are the things like I'm sure that even hearing the words and you said it as you were reading through the list like hearing those words , there are some things that you're kind of taking offense to Like . Well , no , I don't manipulate people , or whatever it is . But then you come back and you're like well , are you a people pleaser ? Well , there's your manipulation .

Speaker 3 24:06

Yes , you are . So there you go .

Speaker 4 24:11

Okay , well , now I'm 95% yeah , because we all know what we wish we didn't do , right ? Yes , so , instead of beating yourself up for these things , if you can reframe them , because fear is as smart as you are , as educated as you are , as knowledgeable you are and as spiritual as you are . So , as you get smarter , it gets smarter . Everything you know , it knows , and it's number one job , and it's only job . By the way , every feeling in my , in the world of fearless living , has a job , and fear's job is to keep you safe . And it still thinks you're seven years old , three years old , 12 years old . It doesn't know you're grown up .

Speaker 4 24:45

Because you keep on buying into the fear responses , relabeling yourself bad or wrong , right , oh , because what we do is , when we do these things , we call them our character flaws , our defects . There's something wrong with me , our problems . But if we again didn't label them character defects , problems and just label them fear responses , we would start having a different relationship to those things , which then would change our ability to respond differently . That is huge .

Speaker 3 25:13

It's a game changer . Yeah , it's a game changer , absolutely so reframing them . Can you give us an example of how to reframe one of them , one of those fear responses ?

Speaker 4 25:22

Yeah , yeah , yeah . So let's , let's , let's talk about . I created something called the wheel of fear and the wheel of freedom . So the wheel of fear I uncovered this after my own healing . But also we're starting to work with clients , which is a whole woo-woo story how I started that . So I started working with clients and I started recognizing this pattern and in the beginning it had like two steps and then it had three steps and now it has four steps and I've been doing this for 30 years . So the wheel of fear I will show you the beautiful image of it . It has four components and this is what happens when we get quote unquote , triggered .

Speaker 4 25:57

Okay , now , I believe that everybody has a core fear . Okay , so that core fear . So people say to me , like I said , fear of rejection , fear of failure . Maybe that's your core fear ? Probably not . People think , oh , I don't like being called lazy because my mother called me lazy . I guarantee that's not your core fear . So what people think their core fear ? I guarantee you isn't their core fear , because fear does not want to be found . Remember , it's as smart as you , educated as you , knowledgeable as you and spiritual as you . So it is really , really good at hiding , and if it gets caught , if it gets discovered , then you will no longer be tricked and it'll no longer be able , in its mind , to save you .

Speaker 4 26:36

Now I do want to say one more thing before we go to the wheel of fear . You know , there's like nine areas of our lives , right Our career , our intimate relationships , our family , right , all those lovely things and you might already be fearless , living on your what I call the wheel of freedom in 70% of your life . Right , you're like grooving , you're coaxing , you know , you're amazing . So when we're going through the wheel of fear , I want everyone to think about an area of their life that isn't working out right , because that's the area where fear has power over you .

Speaker 4 27:03

So , again , I get that this wheel of fear isn't in all areas of your life , because you're rocking in some areas . So you're living on your wheel of freedom in some and you're living on your wheel of freedom with others , right , so pay attention to what doesn't work in your life while I'm moving through this . So there's four components . It is a circle , it's like a bike spoke it's got four spokes . Have you ever heard of righty tighty , lefty Lucy ? Yeah , okay , good , good , I actually was on a podcast recently and he didn't know what it was . I was like what ?

Speaker 2 27:35

exactly . So how do you get any screws out ? I mean , every time I do , I still say it in my head .

Speaker 4 27:42

I'm like I say it every time I take a screwdriver out righty tighty , lefty loose yes , yes so you're going to notice that the wheel of fear is righty tighty because you're tightening up right and when we get to the wheel of freedom , that's lefty loosey . Okay , so it has four components and the first one is called the trigger and that is what I call your core fear and that is your hidden , secret , silent thing that was formed by the time you were seven . And it was formed because one maybe your environment , maybe the folks you hang out with , maybe you're , you know whoever was in your , in your space . But also neuroscience now knows that fears are handed down through our dna . Yeah , so when people come to me and go , why am I like this ? I go . There is no one . Why there is no ?

Speaker 4 28:34

You may never know , because it might be a great , great grandfather , it might be a great-great-grandfather , it might be a great-grandmother Like you will never figure out why . Instead , don't focus on why . Focus on a solution , right ? Focus on moving forward and learning yourself better , right ? So the trigger is that core

Breaking the Fear Cycle

Speaker 4 28:50

fear . I'm going to tell you mine so you can . I'll use myself as an example . My core fear after you do the exercises in the book , or to suss it out , to trick it out , mine is loser .

Speaker 3 29:03

Okay .

Speaker 4 29:04

Now , I promise you , I've never been called a loser my entire life . Right , I was a straight A student . I was class president , I was leading score on the basketball team . I went to track meets . I was a soloist Again , remember . I went to a little tiny high school , so just let's put that in perspective . But where I grew up I was definitely not a loser until , of course , my parents died , right , but I was not a loser . So when I did the exercises for myself with the help of my BFF and we identified or should I say she identified loser , I was flabbergasted . I was flabbergasted .

Speaker 2 29:40

I was shocked , which means that's probably . It probably yes .

Speaker 4 29:45

So people either cry , you know , they're like oh my God , or they're like no way . They argue no way , no way , right . Or they're like frozen , like huh what ? They get confused Uh , what are we doing ? I don't what , right ? But this is the one thing I hear from people all the time is , once they identify what their trigger is and they , you know , flesh out their wheel of fear , their life makes complete sense . They understand why they quit college , why they went to college , why they got married , why they got divorced , why they didn't get married , why they lost weight , gained weight , I mean they . Everything makes sense . So it it puts your life into again another filter , ie . Then it changes your perception of how to view the world , but not only to view the world from your lens , because once you know your wheel of fear , the world looks different , because now you see everybody's wheel of fear .

Speaker 3 30:41

Yeah .

Speaker 4 30:42

So now it's not personal . That person's attacking you . You understand ? Oh , they're ignited , they're on their trigger . Okay , got it Like it's not about me . You understand ? Oh , they're ignited , they're on their trigger . Okay , got it like it's not . It's not about me , it's they're triggered , right . And and you understand , and you get , start getting good at going like , oh , they're afraid of looking stupid , okay , got it right , like you start understanding how their triggers work , right . So that's the exciting part . I have parents come to me and go I need to understand mine so my kids don't have a wheel of fear . And I go , trust me , they're gonna have a wheel of fear because your neurobiology is wired for fear , so you're not getting rid of it .

Speaker 4 31:12

If you know yours , you'll be able to model for your children , right ? Yeah , so , okay . So let's say I get triggered . Let's say I go to a networking event or a party and I walk in and somebody gives me a dirty look when I walk in .

Speaker 4 31:25

Okay , you know , you know how that goes right , and it's new people and I and and if I am triggered , I'm like I don't belong here and I maybe start judging them . Oh my God , they're so stuck up . This place is not for me , right we ? We want to leave that place , right we ? And we want to blame them , right , and we make up excuses not to go in , right , or whatever we do in order to avoid that person who's giving us a dirty look , right again , some of us go right up to the person giving us a dirty look and do the fight thing and be like I'm gonna , I'm gonna order right in front of her or him . Right , I'm gonna , just you know , yeah , you know , but that's still fear .

Speaker 4 32:01

People think that's brave , but that's actually still fear and emotion , right . So I get triggered . I immediately go into fear responses . The fear responses are all the things we just named . Okay , and more . Because , again , there's more fear responses than that . Okay , if I start doing a fear response , let's say I start people pleasing . Let's say I judge . Let's say I get overwhelmed right . Let's say I get overwhelmed right . Let's say I get entitled , right .

Speaker 4 32:30

Well then I guarantee you , soon enough maybe not that minute might be the next day , you know again , but it's coming down the pike you will end up feeling your core negative feeling . Now , you and I know our core negative feelings because we felt this a lot of times . The core negative feeling is the feeling you do not want to feel . You do not want to feel this because when you have felt it , it has been horrible and you want to avoid it at all costs , which helps the wheel spin . So now you dump into the core negative feeling the feeling you don't want to feel , which then most likely will make you feel hopeless , right , make you feel frustrated , make you prove the wheel of fear that you are a loser , right that you are . There is something wrong with you and then you start self-destructive Again . We all know our self-destructive behaviors . All of us know that Drinking too much , isolating ourselves , sleeping for three days without getting up , not answering our phone , like we know our self-destructive behaviors . But when we go on that wheel it just keeps reinforcing that . We have to get better at running from that trigger . We have to get better at it . We have to get better at our fear responses right . And so what I teach my students is I help them find their trigger Again . Mine's loser Fear responses . I have I think I don't know how many in here , like 100 that you can check off to see . Then the core negative feeling my personal one . Again , you and I are going to have different wheels .

Speaker 4 34:00

Most likely my core negative feeling is worthless , and when I feel worthless , I give up hope ,

Jumping to Your Wheel of Freedom

Speaker 4 34:07

right , and it gets me down to core negative . Now , this is how I lived for a lot of those 20 years with my parents . Right , I just kept spinning , not knowing I was spinning . So what I teach my students is you can get off here , you can get off here . You can get off here , you can get off here .

Speaker 4 34:23

Building your awareness and understanding what this looks like in your personal life changes the game . Because now you see , beating yourself up is worthless because it's not about beating yourself up , it's free framing it . I'm in a fear response . Beating myself up is a fear response . Okay , wait a minute . Wait a minute . Stop , stop , stop , stop , stop , because what you must do then is jump onto your wheel of freedom . You must jump on it as fast as you're able , and in the beginning you may not be able to jump on it for three days , right , because you're not used to it . Your awareness isn't heightened . But as you keep working with it , your awareness heightens and all of a sudden , I remember so distinctly when I started identifying my fear responses . I would identify them a day or two later . Then I would get it down to hours later . Then I would get it to afterwards Like I would just judge somebody right , beat myself up and then afterwards be like , oh my God , right .

Speaker 4 35:16

And then it started being while I was doing it , while I'm judging . I'm like , rhonda , you're judging Right . Then it was , I was about to judge and I caught myself , and then eventually I had zero desire to judge . So I don't beat myself up , right , and imagine the space , the possibilities , the creativity , the freedom that you don't have to keep your be your judge and jury about what you're doing wrong in the world and therefore , if you're doing that wrong , you don't have to keep your be your judge and jury about what you're doing wrong in the world and therefore , if you're doing that wrong , you don't deserve success , you don't deserve love , you don't deserve ABC . Right ? It just proves why you're stuck like this .

Speaker 4 35:55

See , it is . This is who you are . Right , you are not your wheel of fear . You are not your wheel of fear . You are not your wheel of fear , right ? You are not your wheel of fear . You are not your wheel of fear . You are not your wheel of fear . It's a mechanism that was created by the time you were seven . It's part of our neurobiology , everyone has one and it's how you stay safe in the world . Okay , but again , we're grown-ass women now and if you want a different life , if you want to make changes , you are going to cross over that wheel of fear . There is no avoiding that . So if you don't make friends with it , it is going to trick you by telling you something that you buy into and believe and all of a sudden , 10 years go by and you haven't written that book . You have fallen in love , you didn't reconcile with your mother and you still blame the other person , or blame yourself or something right . You're still caught in the cycle of fear .

Speaker 1 36:48

Thank you for joining us today on the Reignite Resilience podcast . We hope you had some aha moments and learned a few new real life ideas . To fuel the flames of passion , please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform , like or download your favorite episodes and , of course , share with your friends and family . We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience .