Healing Through Psychedelics + Resiliency with Katie Baker (part 1)

What happens when the perfect façade finally cracks? Meet Katie Baker, a childhood abuse survivor who spent decades mastering the art of hiding trauma behind accomplishment and perfectionism until her own children noticed she was no longer truly present. 

Katie joins us to share her remarkable journey of transformation through therapeutic psychedelics after traditional healing methods fell short. Following her son's heartfelt intervention during a family gathering, Katie embarked on what she calls her "year of healing" – a structured approach to recovery that involved ayahuasca ceremonies, integration therapy, and confronting the dark figure of her trauma that had been her constant companion.

The conversation takes us through Katie's complex childhood marked by sexual abuse, multiple family configurations, and the coping mechanisms she developed to appear "fine" to the outside world. With raw honesty, she reveals how her emotional bankruptcy became impossible to hide from those closest to her, ultimately leading to a profound awakening through psychedelic-assisted healing. Katie's story illuminates how trauma recovery often requires unconventional paths, especially for those who've become experts at deflecting conventional therapy.

What makes this episode particularly powerful is Katie's description of the community she found through the healing process – connections based not on profession or status but on authentic human struggle and resilience. Her memoir "When the Universe Holds Your Hair Back" chronicles this transformative journey, offering hope to others still wearing masks of their own.

Whether you're struggling with unresolved trauma, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about alternative healing modalities, Katie's story demonstrates that even at 47, profound healing and reconnection to self remains possible. 

Katie Baker
hello@whentheuniverse.com

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https://www.peaceandfirehealing.com/universebook

The Quiet Gift: A Journey of Self Worth and Resilience is now available for download as an audible.  Check it out!

Transcript

Introduction to Reignite Resilience

Speaker 1 0:06

All of us reach a point in time where we are depleted and need to somehow find a way to reignite the fire within. But how do we spark that flame? Welcome to Reignite Resilience, where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. Resilience where we will venture into the heart of the human spirit. We'll discuss the art of reigniting our passion and strategies to stoke our enthusiasm. And now here are your hosts, natalie Davis and Pamela Cass.

Speaker 2 0:41

Welcome back to another episode of Reignite Resilience. I am your co-host, natalie Davis, and I am so excited to be back with all of you, and joining us, of course, is Pam Cass. How are you, pam?

Speaker 3 0:54

I am fantastic. We're just coming off of a long holiday weekend and you and I were just laughing. We were like the complete opposite this weekend. I was out in the fray like doing all the crazy things, thinking it was going to be relaxing and you know, it always sounds good in theory. Oh, let's bike down and get breakfast and then bike back and let's go paddle boarding with the thousands of other people that are going to be at the reservoir. And just sounded good at the moment. And then I was like gosh, I should have played, I should have done what you did.

Speaker 2 1:28

Oh my gosh. No, absolutely. I did everything that you could do to avoid crowds. I actually had some things that I had to do running out and about on Wednesday and noticed like the uptick of traffic and I was like, yep, I'm done, I'm going to get it all done on Wednesday and you can find me at home, I'll be enjoying, enjoying home, yes exactly, yeah, so I did the opposite, but it was good.

Speaker 2 1:52

It was still a lovely, a lovely, lovely weekend nonetheless, and I did not get to interact with as many people as you did. So good on you.

Speaker 3 2:00

Yes, now I need the time to recover from the interaction. You know, as an introvert I can't be around too many people for too much time, so now I'm just going to.

Speaker 2 2:11

You know, just relax for the next month or so. Well, I have a pretty crazy travel schedule, so that's probably why I took this time to recharge. I was like I don't need to go out, it's fine, I don't need to go out, it's fine. Very smart, oh my goodness. Well, we have a guest joining us.

Speaker 2 2:32

I know that our listeners are probably just wondering how many of these one-on-ones are we going to get with just Pam and Natalie and what are they talking about? But we have a fabulous guest today that is going to share their story and journey and promoting a book as well, so I'm really excited, pam, I'll just turn it over to you. Why don't you let our listeners know who's joining us today?

Speaker 3 2:50

Yes, I'm excited for this one. So today we have Katie Baker. She is a writer, advocate and a childhood abuse survivor who has transformed her journey of trauma and healing into a story of resilience, empowerment and hope. After years of battling addiction, shame and the lingering effects of a tremendous childhood, she has found profound transformation through therapeutic psychedelics, deep inner work and spiritual exploration. In her memoir when the Universe Holds your Hair Back, Katie shares her raw and deeply personal journey. Welcome, we are so honored to have you with us and we're going to hand it over to you. You've got a new book. Kind of share with us your journey. Yeah, thank you so much.

Breaking Point: Children Sparking Change

Speaker 4 3:39

I really appreciate the opportunity to be here and it has really been a journey, but so worth all the effort and time. I decided to write a book actually a memoir about my use of therapeutic psychedelics and healing from childhood trauma when I found myself, at 47 years old, really struggling. I was successful from all outside appearances. However, the outer exterior did not match my inner reality and was silently struggling for years, thinking that I was willing myself to be okay. Kids were leaving for college and realized that I really had to take some dramatic steps to right all the wrongs, not only in the way that I was living, but address some of the things that I had been in denial for years. Basically, yeah, Interesting.

Speaker 2 4:36

Wow, wow. And was it just in that season where you realized like all things just come to a head and you just said this is it. We need to face everything head on.

Speaker 4 4:45

Yeah, yeah, and I think what had happened was that when I had my first child, I was really. There was a couple of things that happened. Number one I was really nervous about having children, based on my own childhood. However, my husband and I both determined that we are going to break the generational cycles that had really crippled a lot of our family, and so we raised both children in the same home. I mentioned in the book like I had moved 20 to really 30 times I'd said 20. But I had moved quite a bit and we were determined that we were going to give them as much of a normal life as we possibly could. And so when my son was 18 and my daughter was 20, it was almost and there's a series of events that sort of transpired, but it was almost as if I could fall apart, like my job of mother was completed and I mentioned in the book I was.

Speaker 4 5:43

We were at a family reunion. I come from a long line of drinkers, and so we had been drinking all day and we were sitting by the fire pit. My son was 18 years old and it was just he and I, and he turned to me and he said mom, you've had a really rough childhood and I think the whole family can see that you are hurting and you really need to take a year or he suggested you take a year and just really heal yourself. You've done an amazing job raising us. Now it's our turn to support you so that you can kind of come home to yourself. And that conversation really flipped the switch because I was mortified. I guess that my children could see I thought I was covering it up well, but it got progressively worse, especially when I knew that they were going to be leaving, and so that critical conversation really I think it really saved my life, wow that's incredible, and you said you were on the outside.

Speaker 3 6:41

probably other people other than your family had no idea what was going on. How are you holding that together, because that's a lot to keep inside and try to just go about the motions of life.

Speaker 4 6:54

Yeah, yeah, and I think that's one of the things that when you're highly functioning but you've had all this trauma I think me in particular and potentially others are really crafted at hiding and wearing masks and saying we're okay and doing all the things that we're supposed to do, and seeking perfectionism or doing all the things that we're supposed to do. For me, it was in an attempt to make things right, that if I worked hard enough, if I mothered well enough, if I did hard enough, if I mothered well enough, if I did, you know, a job well enough, that my pain, shame, guilt, all the despair that was within me would be righted. However, that was not working. It really was just a false sense of identity. And also, I think in our society, oftentimes what I see is people just say I'm okay, I'm fine, you know I'm doing great and you're like you don't look great, but you don't ask right, or we don't have these honest conversations that really open doors for people to be honest and express their truth and what they're really experiencing.

Speaker 3 8:04

Yeah, so when this kind of came to head kids are 18, 20, what were some of the things that started to happen that you noticed? I feel like almost like it started to unravel a little bit for you.

Childhood Trauma & The Mask of Success

Speaker 4 8:14

Yeah, I was totally unraveling. We had a suicide in the family which was really devastating. So there was that, coupled with my daughter leaving for college or she had already left, but we're in the midst of a pandemic. Like it was the perfect storm. I started a couple non-profits. I was just overworking. I would just sit in my room every night, kind of hide myself behind my bedroom door, and just drink by myself and watch you know shows, and that was on repeat. And then every morning I would wake up with shame. That was my first thought. Every single day was like I overate, I overdrank, I wasn't good enough. Yesterday I can't believe I said that. I can't believe I did that. I didn't do that right enough. So there was so much judgment. That was a cyclical pattern and it was all I knew.

Speaker 3 9:08

Yeah, just became normal for you.

Speaker 2 9:10

Yeah, totally Well. Kudos to your son for the level of emotional intelligence that he has, right In order to take that moment and courage to talk to mom to say, hey, take some time for yourself, like he probably recognized and realized in that setting more than he had in the past, to bring that to your attention. But before you take us on that portion of your journey, let's go back a little bit to your childhood, because you mentioned just the childhood and the generational pieces that you're bringing with you. Talk to us a little bit about your childhood and where all of this? People pleasing and getting affirmation and confirmation from other people when did that start? Where did that stem from for you?

Speaker 4 9:51

Yeah, you know I write in the beginning of the book. It was almost really hard to chronicle my childhood story because we had moved so much. There was marriages, so in particular my mom was married five times. My biological dad had different children from different women, so it was really hard even to label these chapters. So almost every chapter is a short story because it's pretty complex. You know, my father, my biological father, gave me up for adoption when I was two to my stepfather.

Speaker 4 10:22

There was sexual abuse for years. There was really clear signs. My mom immediately, thank God, took me to the police department when there was just absolutely no question and but the signs were there over the years and she just didn't even think that that was possible. And so I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors in particular don't necessarily have that safety net. Thank God that I got removed from that. But then, you know, my mom remarried to a guy that was very, very verbally, physically, emotionally abusive for many years and I think my brother and I were both extremely fearful of being honest with her. Plus she was a breadwinner, so she worked a lot and we felt guilt around that.

Speaker 4 11:05

So, and just put in situations that were unsafe, very unsafe, not typical and so it was really interesting, pam, to your point, like friends that I've been friends with for 30 years, when they read my book they were like I had no idea. So that's the masking part right that we become very talented at doing. And with my family we were, you know, sort of rural Oregon, grew up, you know country roots, you buck up, you deal with it, you don't look back, you don't, you're not weak, you know, you keep going, you do all the things and look like you've got it together. And I was really successful at hiding. I think that was actually my biggest strength was hiding all of that from even some of my closest friends that had no idea.

Speaker 3 11:54

So it was like your coping mechanism. Oh yeah, yeah, to almost like it didn't happen.

Speaker 2 12:00

And then this all comes to a conversation you have around the fire with your son. Talk to us about the days after that, not that longer step, but like just in that moment. How are you processing that, what are you feeling and what are your thoughts?

Speaker 4 12:14

Yeah, that's a great question. It was really interesting because both my son and daughter came to me at different times. My daughter had said you know, you're really not here anymore. You're not present when you know it's, maybe it's better if I just go back to college early, when you know it's, maybe it's better if I just go back to college early. So they both had their own interventions with me in particular. Both of them addressed it, and my husband as well.

Speaker 4 12:36

I was embarrassed. I was like, oh my gosh, you know, nobody's supposed to know, I'm hiding this. And now you know, the people I love are aware of what I'm going through and what I'm doing to myself. And so my son he had had some friends of his. Their parents had done psychedelics.

Speaker 4 12:55

And so when at the fire pit my son, I said you know, maybe I should go back to talk therapy and do that again, because I had really tried all the traditional modalities in an attempt to heal. But I was too far gone, I'll tell you, because I would get trained therapists to talk about their own childhood, you know, just so I didn't have to talk about mine. So anyway, he just said to me mom, what about psychedelics, what about using ayahuasca and I was like I had a lot of fear around that, but it did open the door like it was a glimmer, and so I was like I gotta research this. There's a reason that he said this, and I was, so, I would say, emotionally bankrupt and detached that I was recognizing that, for me in particular, I had to take a different form of healing because what I was doing was not working.

Journey into Psychedelic Healing

Speaker 3 13:43

So you do the research about the psychedelics, and then what did that journey look like?

Speaker 4 13:48

Yeah.

Speaker 4 13:48

So it was about six months still where I just was thought about it and then ended up asking a friend of mine in a different state if he could help me just do a small amount of psilocybin, because I had all that trepidation and nervousness. And it's so interesting because I would drink all the time. Right, like alcohol was fine, but psilocybin in particular made me really nervous. And so I tried it and then I recognized in that experience in particular, what had happened was I was kind of could sense and feel things, but a dark figure, just I could feel something just standing right next to me and at that point I took off my eye mask and I was like he said do you want to go check out the garden? And so I was like, yeah, let's do that, so I go and check out the garden.

Speaker 4 14:37

But I had recognized that there was something there like a heavy weight. And at a later ceremony there was really a beautiful moment where that sort of that heavy weight came to me and it was probably one of the most transformative experiences in using psychedelics. So it was like I slowly had to open the door, do all the research, talk to facilitators. I didn't know how to get involved with the community, and so I did a lot of research.

Speaker 2 15:07

I just wanted to make sure I was safe, and this opens up the door then to your own opportunity to reflect, and really it's the beginning of your journey. After that experience, what are some of the things that you incorporated or implemented into your life to kind of help you stay on it right, because you can have this great experiential moment and then get back into your everyday and it's back to normal. Everything else shifts, oh yeah.

Speaker 4 15:34

Yeah, you can do that. That's another coping mechanism and especially when you're gifted at those coping mechanisms, they come in handy. So I think that, for me in particular, one thing I noticed in that first ceremony was that there were all these insects or all these life was happening all around me and there was so much beauty and I was failing to see it I couldn't notice it, I wasn't able to receive love, I just it was like this hardened shell. So it definitely. I did a ceremony, as I talk about in the book, every four to six weeks. I coupled that with integration therapy, so I basically treated it like a full-time job and because I was a tough case, I would say that it took me about six months. But I really feel like I was so detached from any idea of my truth, my worth, my possibility, that that's why it took me six months into really integrating all those tools, all the gifts, all the lessons that come with these medicines in particular.

Speaker 3 16:41

Can you share with us what one of those ceremonies look like?

Speaker 4 16:44

Yeah. So, for example, there's one in Costa Rica where you can go to a facility they have a gorgeous place there and what you do is you really focus on connecting with your body, connecting with your emotions. That was another thing. That was really. I had a hard time. I was like I don't know how I feel, I don't think about that, you know, or my body. That was a big lesson in itself too.

Speaker 4 17:10

And so you really take yoga, you take breath work, you go to classes, you do integration, you set intentions. So the actual ceremony is really about setting an intention, going in there with a purpose. It is sacred medicine and you treat it with respect. It's not like woodstock or something like that, what people envision. So after you go through the ceremony, with ayahuasca in particular, you can purge, and that means in that type of ceremony, you can actually rid of whatever is keeping you stuck. And then integration in the morning.

Speaker 4 17:47

And I think really it's quite beautiful because you're around other people that have these incredible life stories too, that are also struggling that you build community through this shared experience. And I think one last thing that I think of that is so beautiful is, when I went there, I had no idea what people did for work I did. Sometimes I didn't even know their name, but I did know what they were struggling with or what was going right for them or just how their marriage was going, or you know just a deeper conversations that sometimes we're lacking. I feel like when we cross people in the grocery store or whatever right we just it's like what do we do for work is at the forefront, or our name or our status, as opposed to who are we in this body? Are we kind, are we good, are we loving to ourselves?

Speaker 3 18:44

that kind of thing so you said it was about six months of doing those experiences. What was it like between that very first one, where you said you, there was like a dark figure to that last one that you did?

Speaker 4 18:56

yeah, this journey actually chronicled a year, but I mean six months for me to start really kind of waking up. Unfortunately, fortunately, unfortunately, I feel like healing meets you where you're at. So there was a big purpose to that in particular. But the first one I was walked in there with trepidation I was so nervous An ayahuasca ceremony. I was just like a bundle of nerves that people were going to see like like the shaman was going to go oh my gosh, that girl is a hot mess. But they did not. They did not and it was like compassion and love and acceptance and just meeting you and holding you in a really safe space in a really safe way, and so a lot of trepidation and then the nerves would ease as I saw like I am making my way out of this dark night of the soul. So there was forward progress.

Speaker 4 19:52

But you know the way I set it up and the reason I wrote the book is I lovingly referred to this as a year of healing because it was a dedicated year where I was just determined, and you know that. What's interesting is I've been successful in my life and however I approached it as like you're going to do one every four to six weeks. It was so interesting because I set up healing, just how I ran my life, like, like let's get this done. And that's not necessarily recommended, because it does take a while to integrate.

Speaker 2 20:25

But there's a certain personality type out there that can relate to that. Right, it's like I need to heal. I'm going to go ahead and schedule that for Thursday.

Speaker 4 20:35

Exactly.

Speaker 2 20:36

Yeah.

Speaker 4 20:36

And.

Speaker 1 20:37

I'm like.

Speaker 4 20:37

I'm 47 years old. I did not want to be dealing. I mean, I wanted to see an end point, I didn't want to be holding on to this drama and I wanted to move forward.

Closing Thoughts & Episode Wrap-up

Speaker 1 20:46

Yeah, and you are and learned a few new real-life ideas. To fuel the flames of passion, please subscribe on your favorite streaming platform, like or download your favorite episodes and, of course, share with your friends and family. We look forward to seeing you again next time on Reignite Resilience.