You’re Not Lazy, You’re Just Healing

Hey guys! 

This week I open up about the challenges of breaking free from survival mode and the importance of rest in the healing journey. 

I share my personal experiences with anxiety, burnout, and the pressure to always be productive, and discuss how deeply rooted patterns from childhood and adulthood can make slowing down feel unsafe. 

My hope is to remind you that rest is not laziness, it's a vital part of healing and living a fulfilling life! 

Thanks for being here! 

Xx, 

Shy 

Transcript

0:00

Hello and welcome back to Shy Space, where we talk about all things pertaining to mental health and manifestation. My name is Shy. I am the host of this podcast. Really appreciate you being here if you're listening. So thank you so much. Um, this is my dog, London in the back. If you're joining me from YouTube. She's a tried and true. Um, honorary guest, if you will. And yeah, it's a, it's a lovely day. I'm excited to be here with you guys. I'm just in my pajamas. It's a cozy evening. And excited to chat about this week's topic, which is funny considering, uh, the title of the episode. You're not lazy, you're just healing. I say as I'm in my pajamas. It is true though. Um, I really wanna talk about just piggybacking off of last week's episode because that episode specifically got a little bit more attention than my normal episodes. And so I feel like that topic is probably something that relates to people a lot more. And yeah, I just wanted to dive into it a little bit deeper because obviously. You can only expand so far into any topic within a 30 minute episode. And there's just like so many different avenues that, that we could talk about when it comes to how childhood trauma impacts our lives. And also like, I'll pause for a second and say it's also not just childhood trauma. I really wanna emphasize that as well because I do think childhood trauma is more impactful on the subconscious level, and I think adult or you know, late adolescent trauma is typically a little bit more at the forefront. And so therefore it's a little bit more, I don't know, this is just my experience, it's a little bit more, attainable. And like it's a little bit easier to process it and it's a little bit more oh yeah, this makes sense'cause this happened and so I'm feeling this way and therefore I'm acting this way and having this response. And it's just like the pieces of the puzzle all go together and it just makes sense and you can act on that and fix from there. But I think with childhood trauma, again, this is just my experience and also, yeah, just my experience. It's just, it's wounds that are so old and so deeply rooted and have potentially been untouched and not visited for long periods of time. I mean, depending on how old you are, it could be several decades. Like, and it just pops up in the strangest ways if we don't resolve it. And so I think that's why I get a lot more I don't know. Like I, I'm more keen on working in through that and talking about that. Especially in therapy, because I feel like, I'm very conscious, I do the work on a daily basis, and so when things happen on the day to day that are just, maybe more mild I don't get caught in like this cycle of, I don't know, I, I'm getting off on a tangent here, but anyways, I really wanna talk about healing the hustle and breaking free from survival mode. So what is survival mode? It's not just exhaustion, which is important to emphasize. It is also an emotional state. So when your nervous system believes that you have to earn safety, you go into survival mode. A lot of people, this will happen to them on a ongoing basis. Or they'll just constantly be in survival mode like 24 7. Um, and it's really, really hard on their bodies and their minds and. It's just crazy. And I have been one of these people notoriously, so, that's obviously why I'm here talking about it because I learned something from all of this and yeah, it's just, it's crazy the shit that can arise from really, really deeply rooted stuff. But if you ever feel like you're in a position where in a social situation of some sort, you feel the need to over commit, over perform, or you just feel restless in general when things are calm, you are more than likely in survival mode. And your nervous system in some way is dysregulated. And so there's a lot of different ways that this can show up and a lot of different ways that you can identify it and we can talk about that in more detail. It's hard because it's so subjective, but. Again, it really for most people falls into that pattern of like hyper productivity. And again, overcommitment like feeling restless, not being able to rest in general. And just feeling almost like guilty and lazy when you try to rest and. This is, something that's very common for people who grow up equating love or stability with effort. And so then you internalize the idea that rest is actually unsafe or dangerous. And that slowing down means you're falling behind. So I really struggle with this. I really have a hard time slowing down and. Just taking on as much as I can take on and really doing well with those things rather than like overfilling my plate and then just sucking at everything. And this is something I'm working on actively. It's a skill in my opinion that you have to practice, like just really being balanced, if you will. We have to remember like for the sake of our nervous systems, that slowing down is not unsafe. It is actually a very safe thing to do. And you also need to understand that if you feel this way, you're not addicted to chaos. There's nothing wrong with you. You are completely normal. You were just trained to find safety in motion, and it can be really hard to rewire that thought process. So again, first step to anything is awareness and you know. Admitting to a problem and then you can go from there and solve it. So why this is so important and why I wanted to talk about this today, and I'm making an episode about this, is because there are so many people that are out here living their lives chasing peace while also being like completely petrified and terrified of what peace actually is and feels like, and lack the ability to live in the present moment. It's just really crazy, like the amount of people that are living on autopilot that are living unconsciously and just not. Not like actually tuning into what they need to be happy and therefore chasing on an endless cycle, like a hamster wheel trying to attain happiness. Also if you've spent years in survival mode, being quiet or resting can really feel uncomfortable. This obviously goes into what I just said already, but it's stepping out of the norm, stepping out of the familiar, so that's already gonna be a trigger for the nervous system. And then also, like I said, if you've spent literal years as this is your habitual process. Anything that's goes against that is going to just be completely petrifying and you have to sit with that and it's really hard. But once you master the ability to sit with your discomfort, you can literally do anything, be anything, conquer anything, and it's great. A lot of us who struggle with this can definitely feel like success is just not deserved, like point blank period. This is another thing that I struggle with. When certain things happen to me or like I attain certain goals, I'm like, I don't really I don't know. It doesn't, I almost have this continuous imposter syndrome about it. And then the other thing that I struggle with that is also very common is like the resting and again, the slowing down feeling like one, a weakness, two, a bad thing, like it just. Productivity is like how, or being productive I should say, is like how you should be at all times. Like that's how I can be wired. But that's a very unhealthy way to think about things because it leads to burnout. It leads to like health problems being overstressed, overworked, you know, psychological problems due to lack of sleep distress, like if you're being overworked and you're having major distress symptoms and maybe you're over caffeinated, like it's just not good for you. Yeah, the truth is also you can't build the life you want with the nervous system of someone who's just literally fighting to stay alive. That's not the energy that creation comes from, and it's not the energy to create from. So it's like you gotta sort that out. And it's hard because it's a fucking journey. Excuse my French, but it really is a fucking journey. And I do be knowin that it's a journey because I do be on the journey. Healing your hustle also is not about losing ambition. It's about transforming why you're driven. So we wanna have a healthy process and a healthy approach to our productivity and our work life balance, or our hustle life balance, if you will. And just honor the body, honor the mind when it communicates that it needs something, right? Like if something comes up for you and you have a very negative feeling and a very negative emotion towards it, IE doing work for your business or doing your job, or whatever it may be. Trying to identify why you're having that negative feeling and sitting with that and really like really sitting with it and really trying to lean into it and figure out why you feel that way. Now, for me, most of the time, my adversity to my responsibilities that I love and have chosen for myself always has to do with the fact that I've overfilled my plate and I'm completely burnt out, and I'm not allowing myself to say no to things and to rest and to like, just take life at the pace that I need. Because I personally have a very dysregulated nervous system. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, and so I've lived in a state of survival mode for most of my life, and so untangling that is really difficult for me, and because of that, I am the type of person who just needs to live life at a much slower pace. Like, I don't enjoy having a crazy life. I like living life in my routine. I like sticking to my schedule. I like having, you know, a small circle. I like having a quiet, social life like that's just what my body and my life and my nervous system needs right now. I don't wanna be like constantly traveling or constantly doing things like, and it's been that way for the past few years because I've been on a very intense healing journey, and especially the last year because I've been in therapy the last year. And so that's obviously been like a very transformative process for me and I just, I have to slow down. And I don't let myself, and I get really worked up. And then I get in these weird states where I'm just like so frozen in the need to be productive that I, I just end up like paralyzed and unable to move, unable to proceed. And this is all stuff that I work on in therapy. Because I just put so much pressure on myself, and then I'm like, I literally can't do this. And then I only show up for the things that I can make space for. And then it's like the bare minimum at that point. And I went through a period of like intense need for rest because I was working through so much trauma. In therapy at one point and I fought against it so hard and it's just so funny because if I were to just accept it or lean into it and allow it, like it just, the turnaround and the reward is so much quicker and so much more beneficial. Here's an example, like I wanted to skip the barn and I'm really hard on myself about how many times I go to the barn per week and the schedule that I'm on with my horse and just like if I'm doing all the right things and you know, living up to the expectations that I've set for myself. So I'm like totally removing the fun from it half of the time and putting strict boundaries on how it needs to be done. And it's just so silly'cause it's like. It's so not serious and it's not life threatening in any way, and it's supposed to be fun. It's something that I'm so passionate about and I've put into my life and I've invested in because I love it. And so it's just funny that I take something I love and that I put these boxes around it or I put it in a box and I'm like, this is how it needs to be. And if it's not this way, then like, you know, you're bad for whatever reason and it's so silly. So anyways, I didn't wanna go to the barn on like, I think Friday of last week. I was exhausted and I just needed to skip, but I felt guilty and so I forced myself to go. And then while I was driving, I just had this crazy intense feeling of just like, I can't do this. So I pulled over and I thought about it for a little bit and then kind of just sat in my car and avoided going, and then I decided to continue driving and then I went, and then like two seconds after I got back on the road, I was like, no, I literally can't do this. Like this feeling is so strong. It was unavoidable or like I couldn't ignore it. And so I pulled over again and then I started to look for other things that I could do.'cause I was like, okay, I'm gonna lean into this and not go, so I'm gonna find something else to do.'cause I'm already outta the house. I've got London with me, you know, gotta do something. Obviously, can't just go home and rest, God forbid, at the end of a long week. And I just drove myself crazy for like 15 minutes sitting in my car. And then I was like. I've wasted so much time and I'm going home, like I finally gave and was like, I'm going home, and I rested. And then it was just like, thank God. The next day I woke up feeling so much better. So when you stop moving from fear, your energy shifts from proving and surviving to creating and from scarcity to trust. So it's a huge, huge shift when it comes to your paradigm, your energy, what you can attract, how you can live your life. And that's why it's really important to actually be able to be attentive with those things in the moment when they come up for you. So now let's talk about how to navigate it. I know I've already been queuing this up, but you have to start by noticing your body's signals. So ask yourself when you rest or whatever else it is for you, do you feel guilt or safety? So I say that because for me specifically, that this is a big issue. Again, you can replace it with something that's more relevant. Maybe it's like you do the opposite and like when you step out and do things, you feel guilty. But your body always knows before your mind does, and that's why it's important to tap into your body as much as you can and be present and really just sit with it and kind of be like, where is this coming from? What is this trying to tell me? Pay attention to the tightness, you know, the fidgeting, the urge to just check one more thing or do more thing, or whatever it is. Number two is redefine what progress means. So it doesn't always need to be forward motion. I think this is a really big one to hone in on because sometimes the pause between chapters is the productive thing that needs to be done, and it is the progress that you need to achieve or accomplish, however, it doesn't always have to be moving forward. Sometimes pausing and sitting in stillness actually is very progressive. It is actually said by a lot of spiritual and philosophical figures and teachers. Just like the emphasis on the importance of meditation and stillness and Eckhart Tolle, I think it is has specifically in one of his books, said that the greatest thing to be able to do is meditate and sit in stillness. And that is actually a quote from another philosopher, but it just stuck with me because I was just like, wow, that's a crazy thought. I never thought that way before in my life. And now I'm like, okay. Let's completely redefine what progress means. Totally. Um, and let's let doing nothing become a part of your healing practice and your, your daily practice, if that's what you need. Like nobody gets to define what success looks like for you except for you. So let's be a little bit nicer to ourselves, besties, and not completely rob ourselves of the enjoyment and the fun of life and the journey that is life and accomplishing things and getting to where we're meant to be like. Take it from me, literally example A, I do that and I'm telling you not to. So do as I say, not as I do. Uh, number three is to build micro moments of safety. So if stillness feels super threatening and really unsafe for your nervous system, try to start small. Take five minutes at a time of slow breathing in the morning, putting your phone down while you drink your coffee, or maybe even doing something unproductive on purpose. These are all great small ways that you can start. Number four is reconnect with joy. So your survival mode, like being stuck in survival mode kills creativity. I said that earlier. And so for healing it means finding joy again in the things that don't earn you anything or give you anything in any way, like painting, moving your body, simply existing, focusing on something or someone that you love and appreciate, singing, dancing, like really anything that is just, just like existing. Now talking about how it impacts your mindset. Um, obviously when you heal your relationship with stillness, everything is going to change because you actually will not avoid certain moments and things that come up in life that are meant to be like transformative and informative in certain ways. And you'll actually be able to like, move through them and process and really just. Gain a better trust and sense of self. Your worth will also no longer live in your to-do list, which is a plus in my opinion, personally. And you won't need to like live in chaos to feel capable of achieving your goals because ultimately if you're in survival mode and you're acting productively. There's a large chance that you were like me and have been like me, where you, overproduce or attempt to overproduce and then you under deliver because of that. So trying to trust that good things don't require suffering. To be deserved is really a big one here, and I think this is one of the paradigms that people struggle with the most, myself included. I think we are raised to believe that we are meant to give something, to get something, when really we are here to create and exist and experience in all the things. And so. It's a choice of mindset, right? Like it's a thought process that you get to choose. So. I don't know. I would choose that one. It feels a little bit better when you think about it and when you think through that lens. So if you start living in alignment and then that leads to creating from inspiration, not from obligation, which is huge. You create so much more productively and so much, your output is so much better when you're creating from inspiration and not from, oh my God, I'm forced to do this. Trust me, I would know, this project is a perfect example of that. And when you start to shift this energy and shift this mindset that you have towards stillness and rest, that's when the abundance will really start showing up because your energy is not stuck in fight or flight anymore. I've had many experiences where my nervous system has been an overdrive and I've hit like a career milestone or a life milestone, and I still just feel so anxious instead of feeling fulfilled, and I feel like that's just a huge telltale sign. If you do not slow down and take care of yourself, you will not be happy and you will be stuck in that cycle because it like that chase of attainment, attainment, attainment. It's so unfulfilling like it just is as human beings like, that's not what we're meant for. Um, it's about the journey, like that's the process that we are meant for. And then on that note about like being unfulfilled in big moments within your life. I want to flip that and emphasize the moments that I've chosen rest and then been proved, or it's proven to me afterwards that the world didn't collapse and I didn't fail and I didn't fall 10 steps behind. And that was so good for my nervous system. So I would highly encourage you to do that if you struggle with this as well. And honestly, I would compare this energy of being in survival mode to being on a treadmill that never stops, which is exhausting. You cannot see the scenery or enjoy the view because you're just running for safety, not for purpose. And that is no way to live your life. I hope that this was helpful. I think the one thing that I really want you to focus on taking away is if you can identify moment by moment whether or not you're operating from safety or survival mode, and try to take those moments and the ones that you're operating from survival mode and take a moment to feel safe, to slow down, to give yourself what you need and figure out what that is, and then really reflect on it and try to implement it again and again and again until your nervous system is rewired, which is completely possible. And this will now be your new normal. Another journal prompt for you guys.'cause I love giving those. This week's is, if I didn't have to prove anything to anyone, how would I spend my time today? I love that one because if I'm like so honest with myself, I just love to do a lot of the things that I already do, but relaxing is a big one. Yeah, that's always a fun one. And just a reminder that healing the hustle does not mean you're quitting your goals or quitting your strive to be a boss woman. Like you can still be all those things, but you still need to return to yourself and give yourself what you need because you cannot pour from an empty cup. So if you're not filling your cup, if you're not listening to what your body needs, you're gonna burn yourself out. And it's just gonna be a cycle of complete chaos and disruption over and over and over until you finally realize what's going on or get a hold of the situation or you just give up. So remember that you are allowed to rest and rise at the same time. And that pausing is also progressive. Just as much as moving forward is. All right. I love you guys so much. Thank you for listening. I hope that this was helpful and please let me know if there's anything that you guys have questions on or things that you want to hear in other episodes, and I can't wait to talk to you next week. Neither can London apparently. Bye.