Breakup Diaries, Part 2: The Truth Always Finds You

Hey y'all! In this episode of ShySpace, I open up about one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned — trusting my gut. I talk about what it really means to listen to your intuition and know when it’s time to walk away from relationships or situations that don’t align with you. 

I share my experience from a deeply painful breakup as well. Through it all, I’ve learned that love isn’t about fixing someone; it’s about alignment, partnership, and peace. 

We’ll dive into intuition, emotional health, and the truth about moving in with a partner — the good, the bad, and the lessons in between. 

My hope is that by sharing my story, you’ll feel seen, supported, and reminded that healing doesn’t just make you stronger… It makes you wiser! 

Thank you for being here.

Xx, 

Shy ♡

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to Shy Space, where we talk about all things pertaining to mental health and manifestation. My name is Shy. I am the host of this podcast and I'm so excited to be here with you guys. So thanks for joining me. We have a jam packed episode filled with lots of really applicable and important advice, I would say as it pertains to trusting your gut, trusting yourself and your intuition, and knowing when a relationship or a situation is not right for you. And ultimately knowing when to walk away from that situation. I'm excited to dive into this topic. I think the last time I went through a breakup and I made an episode about it, it did really well. You know, a lot of people really enjoyed listening to it, and I think that part of that is probably just because who doesn't love a little breakup tea story time. But I think the other part is just the fact that breakups are really hard and I always appreciate it when people talk about it openly because it makes you feel less alone and it also helps when it comes to like advice and things like that. So. That's what we're gonna be talking about today. My lovely breakup that I went through, um, several months ago now. And, um, yeah, sorry that I didn't get you guys an episode last week too. I was so busy with work that I actually like, genuinely forgot that I had a podcast for like, all the way until probably Friday night, Saturday morning, and then I was like. Oh, I really need to rot this weekend. I don't think I can make it work. So yeah, I watched a copious amount of television over the weekend, and honestly it was so needed. So anyways, here we are. It's been another busy week, so appreciate y'all's patience and all the support that I've been getting on the show recently. It just means the world to me, so thank you so much. But all right, let's go ahead and dive into it. If you follow me on social media or you know, me on a personal level, a lot of what's happened in my breakup has already been talked about on some of my social media platforms because I'm an open book and I definitely don't act, as a closed book when somebody fucks me over to say the least. So, yeah, and at the end of the day, I think all of that was kind of like the tea time, story time. This is more of like. What did I learn? What did I gain from this experience and like what are the positives that came from it that I'm actually grateful for that have allowed me to kind of just like heal and move on and be okay? Because it's obviously really traumatizing when you go through a breakup that is similar to what mine was, which is, you know, the dishonesty, the cheating, the lying, all the things like that is really traumatizing. And I would say that I'm in a much better place post breakup than I thought I would be at this point. So I think that reflection and that like working through the emotions and just like honoring them and understanding the lessons and the positivity is like a huge, huge thing to take away from this episode as it pertains to breakups and just life in general when things don't go the way that you had hoped. Talking about, like for example, you know, when you look back on a version of yourself and you're like, wow, I really thought that that was love. Or, I really thought that that was success, or whatever it may be. This breakup, that I'm discussing, the one where he cheated on me while we were living together. Honestly, it changed me in a lot of ways that I didn't even think were possible, like more on the positive side, which again is crazy, but something to be learned and to be, it's something important to be said for just like the importance of failed relationships, honestly, and what they teach us because at least for me, in my experience. With the relationship, it wasn't just the betrayal that was so impactful, it was the chaos of loving somebody and living with somebody that came with so many layers that I wasn't ready for, like a child, custody battles, emotional instability, consistent lies, and you know, all the things, like I could go on and on, and I just kept thinking for whatever reason, that love could fix it, which. It can't, you know, love is not supposed to feel like survival. Love is not supposed to feel like a chore or a job. Like it's not your job to fix somebody or make them be a better person or be a better partner for you. So that was a tough one that I had to learn. This breakup honestly, was the one that taught me about intuition and about how important it's to trust yourself and to listen to yourself and to not ignore the signs when they come up for you, whether it's mental, physical, whatever it may be. Because that's something that I did and my body was literally screaming at me and trying to tell me to get out like for so long and I just didn't listen. And you know, there's so many more layers to it, like I said, right? Like. Understanding what it really means to live with someone in my case, and like understanding where I'm actually at in my journey in that regard. Like there's just so much that I learned and I think that it's so important to focus on that and take that away from it, rather than the pain and the suffering that came with it. Because it's just like I can't eliminate the pain in the suffering. I have to move on. I have to accept that this was a chapter of my life and. What's the point in just like wallowing in self pity? I don't know. So, yeah, today we're going there. We're gonna unpack it all. We're gonna talk about what it really takes to, heal after betrayal and just. How, like through all of that, somehow I ended up being fine. So you can too. Okay, so let's start with the calm before the storm, if you will. Which is the part that I used to avoid, which is the story itself, the truth itself in terms of what our relationship actually was, right? So on paper it looked solid on social media I made it look solid. We lived together, we shared bills, we shared a bed. And, you know, for a long time I really thought we were building a future and I was in the right space, but behind closed doors very quickly, very soon and very early on into the relationship, probably about eight weeks things started to shift. The energy got super heavy and the little things that didn't make sense, that had like shown themselves at the beginning of the relationship started to stack up very quickly and. I just started having that gut feeling that like really quiet, uncomfortable voice, whispering something's off, something's not right, you need to leave. And instead of listening, I just buried all of those thoughts and emotions under love. Like I just took the logic away from it and was just like, love, love, love, love. This is love. I love him. You know, like I love people unconditionally. This is what comes with it. And it's like. No, not really. Not really. Yeah, I just, I started having that gut feeling really early on, like I said, about two months in. Um, I said this in another episode, but that first nail in the coffin was he called me a cunt. And that happened eight weeks into the relationship. And that, that was the moment that I knew that I should have left. Like when I looked back on the relationship and it was really sad'cause I was so early into it that I'm like, why didn't I just leave? You know? But. I didn't, for whatever reason. You know, there's lots of reasons and it just kept getting worse from there. Like the first allegation of him cheating on me happened within the first three or four months. And that's even crazier to say.'cause it's like, how the fuck did you just let that slide? But again, I just like believed and believed and believed that he was telling me the truth and that, there's crazy people out there and X, Y, and Z. And it just he totally had me under his spell of like lies and stuff. And it's really scary to think about because anybody can do that to you. And I just remember like throughout the entire relationship, I was consistently making excuses for him that I would never make for myself. And I was working so hard on myself and I wasn't getting that energy back from him. Like. He wasn't going to therapy like he said he would. I was, and like there was just so many things where I was just like, why? Why do I keep making excuses for this person? And I didn't even have this thought process until much later on when I was actually considering leaving. But like, yeah, it's just crazy. Like the amount of times that we will go to the extent to protect somebody that we love when they're not even treating us right, is just so crazy. And I was doing exactly that. I was always, always, always making excuses and justifications for why he wasn't showing up for me the way that I needed him to. Or even just being like a decent partner and a decent person. Um, you know, because of his trauma and all this stuff that he went through. And it's like, that doesn't matter. Like it really doesn't, I'm sorry. The emotional abuse, the inconsistency, the secrets, the lies, it was all there and there's no excuse for any of that. And the moment that it actually finally all came out, and I could not ignore it any longer, and I could not believe anything that he was telling me any longer, any of the lies, is really when I finally learned the truth about who he was, one, and then also realizing how long I'd been gaslighting myself and my own intuition just to keep this like fantasy alive and for what, like literally for what. Wasn't getting much out of it clearly. And then of course there was his daughter, and that just makes everything more complicated. You know? I felt empathy. I felt responsibility. I felt like leaving him meant leaving her too, and I felt like she wasn't in a good place and that she needed somebody to be advocating for her. There was just so many layers in that regard. And I just, that's another thing that I wanna call out because I'm like, I'm a very optimistic person and a very loving and positive person. I like to see the best in people and that's what always gets me hurt, I would say, or like kind of gets me in a situation where I shouldn't be. And I felt that way about going into a relationship with him, knowing that he had a child because I just, again, was optimistic and like, I just wanna say this, if you are considering going into a relationship with somebody that has a child and you haven't done that before or you don't have your own child, I just would highly recommend that you get to know them a lot better than I did before you actually enter a relationship because there's so much baggage that comes with that. And it doesn't necessarily have to be like bad baggage, but it is just what it is. That's not my burden to carry of his daughter. It never was. And it's not your burden to carry for this, you know, potential partner's child either unless you get married. So like you just have to understand that that adds complexity to potentially leaving them as well. Because honestly, like I thought by staying with him and fighting through all these things, I was really trying to help him heal. And maybe I thought I was helping him heal at one point. But really what I was doing was just abandoning myself and my needs and just making a shit situation for everyone really. So yeah, that's a lot. I kinda wanna pause there for a second because I feel like that moment, that crack in your intuition when it finally cracks and you're like, oh my God, I get it. Everything changes from there, and I'm like literally getting chills thinking about this because. The signs that I had coming up for me and, um, manifesting for me as a result of my intuition trying to speak to me and like give me the answers and direct me to where I needed to go. I dismissed all of those feelings and all of those intuitive messages and nudges as overthinking, anxiety, fear, all those things, and I just completely ignored it. And I just really wish that I didn't because the power of intuition is a crazy, crazy thing and I think that in a lot of ways we are taught to ignore that because of how much we emphasize, like, the things that are something that should be more managed when it comes to mental health. Like obviously. It's a fine line between paranoia, fear and intuition, right? Or anxiety and intuition. I more than anyone understand that, and that's why I've struggled trusting my intuition for so long, because I've always been an anxious person, and so I've never felt like I could trust the emotions and the feelings that were coming up. But what I realized is that they are totally different. Fear says, what if this happens? What if he leaves me? What if he does this, that, and the other? Whatever intuition says, something's off. Okay. So when you have that feeling where you're like, I don't know what the hell it is that's making me stressed out and anxious, but something's wrong, something's not right. That is your intuition trying to tell you something. Please do not ignore it because I was literally in Miami for my birthday with this man trying to celebrate my birthday and the day that we got there, literally 20 minutes before we were about to head out to dinner on my actual birthday, like this was my birthday. My ex got a call from a lawyer saying that he was being sued or whatever, put into a child custody battle. And the allegations that they were making against him, like as in the mother, were absolutely fucking sickening. And it was just like the most traumatizing thing I had ever experienced. And that entire trip, I was sick to my stomach. After that. I didn't eat anything basically the entire week. My ex kept saying that it was like a buzzkill that I wasn't eating, which is hilarious looking back on it now.'cause I'm like, you're the buzzkill, you're the reason that I was sick to my stomach. And it was crazy'cause like the second that I got back home and I started to get into my routine and kind of process things a little bit more, I was able to feel a little bit better, but I was still like really sick after that and I didn't understand why. Because it was just this really weird feeling of like, you know, when you're so anxious that you feel like you can't eat anything and every food sounds repulsive. That's literally how I felt the entire week. And so I just kept blaming it on myself of course, and being like, I think I'm just anxious about what's going on. You know, it's a lot to process the child custody battle obviously, and all the things, and I just totally ignored it. And then at one point I was like, maybe I'm pregnant, and blamed it on that, and I wasn't fucking pregnant, so. It just speaks volumes. It really does. Um, that story will live rent free in my head for the rest of my life because I just cannot believe how in tune my body was with knowing that every single thing that came outta that man's mouth was just a load of bullshit. And I wasn't picking up on it fully, but my body was. And it's just the craziest thing. So it's really wild how intuition really doesn't scream either. It whispers, you know, it's things like the tightness in your chest when they say something that doesn't make sense or doesn't add up, or that feeling when you get a text that doesn't feel right and your stomach dropping for no logical reason, things like that. And then, you know, you tell yourself, no, I'm just being paranoid. I'm just anxious. I'm just overthinking. It's like, yeah, sure, maybe you are. But intuition isn't paranoia. It's pattern recognition mixed with self-awareness. So sometimes it's just things that you can't really fully see and understand in your conscious mind when you're caught up in the emotions and the day to day. But I would say that the moment I stopped confusing those two, my whole like healing process changed.'cause I just realized that I learned so much. So much invaluable. Information and like I just have so many takeaways from that relationship that I just could never, apparently I could never get to without that level of betrayal. So I'm not mad at myself for staying in the relationship like I used to be. You know? I used to carry that weight of guilt and anger and just like, why did I stay? And now I'm kind of like, okay, well that sucked. Obviously. But it also taught me so much that I'm like, would I really go back and undo it? Probably not.'cause what if I never learned that lesson and then I have to go learn it later on? Like, I don't know. It's just something to think about. But I also remember the exact moment that my body told me the truth and I didn't even need the proof. I just knew, and that was the Miami story. That had happened a few times before, but the Miami story was just like the icing on the cake where it was so extreme and so crazy that I just after that, like once I got home and I processed everything and I knew I wasn't pregnant and all the things, I was like, okay, this makes more sense. But the truth is your body always knows, and you always know your body just whispers before it screams. I do think one of the biggest wake up calls that came from that too is like also what it really means to live with someone. Like not the romanticized version of living with someone that I was going for, but the actual day-to-day emotional reality of sharing your space, your energy and your peace is just not something that I was aware of yet. And I thought that I was, but I wasn't. And um, yeah, there's a lot that goes into that side of things too. So let's talk about the truth of moving in together and living together on top of all that,'cause I think this is another important piece that people can really benefit from, is just understanding like if you haven't lived with a partner long term.'Cause basically I had lived with a partner before my ex, but it was short term and it was a long time ago. So I just feel like I didn't really have a good. You know, real understanding. And I was just swept up in all the emotions and the love and I just, you know, it was obviously being like love bombed or whatever, and I just went for it and I was really excited and I thought it was the right move. And you know, I will say a lot of people do like move in quickly with their significant others and don't have a problem with it. But that's obviously not to be said for every relationship, especially if you're dating a psychopath. Probably wanna rule that out first. I feel like you're gonna get to a point in a relationship where moving it together feels like the next logical step. You know, it's cozy, it's intimate, it's what the movies make, look effortless and just like the right thing to do. But the truth is that living together really exposes everything pretty aggressively. Like the communication gaps, the emotional immaturity, the unspoken resentment. You know, it's not just sharing a bed or a space. It's sharing your energy 24 7 and when that energy turns toxic, your home will no longer feel like a home and you will not feel safe, which is not fun. I literally remember sitting in bed one night and thinking like just realizing this does not feel like peace. This does not feel safe. It literally feels like I'm in a waiting room for something that I'm not brave enough to end. Like it just, it was the weirdest thing. Like he would literally, we'd get in these fights, he'd go sleep on the couch and like, cause a big scene and then I'd be left alone in the room and I'd just be like this, just like a sick joke. I don't even know what the fuck to do. And then I would just try to go to sleep and like, hope that I would wake up to a better reality tomorrow. That's wishful thinking for sure. So a little mini advice moment on that note is that if you're thinking about moving in with someone, I would definitely recommend that you wait and that you talk about everything like money, chores, boundaries, how you both handle conflict, you know, your schedules for sleeping, things like that, because. I mean, I asked my ex these questions, but he just lied to me. Like I didn't collect enough of the data on my own. I just trusted him too much and that was where I went wrong. Because yeah, there was so much misalignment there and it was really frustrating. So love cannot survive where communication doesn't exist. So make sure that you stay on top of your communication in your relationship because that really is the key. I will say also, like when I finally ended things, I kicked him out like two times before we broke up officially. So once I finally got the courage to actually end it, and I packed up his things, I kicked him out and I realized, this wasn't just about losing him. It wasn't just about losing, like my person, my partner, my best friend at the time, whatever. It was also about losing the future that I thought I was building. And there was so much weight in that with his daughter and just all the things, and honestly at the end of the day, like after I processed it, it brought me closer and like more face to face with something even deeper that I needed to understand, which is what I actually want when it comes to relationships, marriage, motherhood, all those things. Like I just, it just taught me a lot. And I just think that a lot of the times we go into relationships and we don't really identify like our needs and wants, and we just think that the person's gonna fulfill them and hope that they do, and then when they don't, it's a problem. There's just a lot more that I would've done, but still a learning lesson nonetheless. So on that note, I would say that the breakup definitely shattered my fairytale. I made a funny TikTok about this a couple weeks ago i'm like, state the obvious. I didn't get my perfect fantasy, but it gave me something a lot better than some bullshit fantasy, which is clarity, because like I said earlier, I used to think that loving someone meant fixing them, and that's bullshit. Now I know that real love is about choosing somebody who's already doing the work or done the work themselves. I also understand now that marriage is not about stability. It's about alignment. And I think that that was another thing that I went into my relationship with in terms of a mindset perspective, was like I wanted to do what everybody else was doing. Because it's that time of our lives or whatever, and like it provides you more stability and all the things like, there's just so many benefits obviously, if you have a proper partner and you're in a good relationship, which I wasn't, but I was hoping for that. And then another thing to reflect on, and my breakup also made me do this was like. Am I actually ready for the kind of love that I say that I want because I keep staying in these cycles that are not good for me and saying that I want better and then not actually demanding better for myself, which I did this time. You know, I got out, I walked away. But it's a question to ask, right? It's like if you keep repeating old patterns and behaviors, I think that would be a good question to ask yourself because honestly, for me, at the time I was not, but now I'm obviously far past becoming that version of me. You know that person who's not gonna settle for potential and bullshit claims and whatever is like just the truth, partnership, alignment, actions. That's the thing about heartbreak. It really destroys the version of you that was settling for less so that the real you can finally show up, which is beautiful and amazing. So I, for one, can appreciate that. Alright, so just a few more things before we wrap up. Um, just some more like closing reflections and advice. I would say that if I could go back and talk to that girl, me, who was sitting in my shared apartment at the time, crying on the floor because I just kicked out my boyfriend for the third time, or my ex-boyfriend and now I have to start all over and I feel alone and all the things I feel so betrayed. I feel unlovable. If you're in that position, or you're gonna be in that position remember this. Remember what I would say to myself, you do not need closure from a relationship or from an ex because the moment you decide your story ends, this is your closure. Now, I want to say that and really hone in on that because I have always been the type of person that kind of does the little post breakup dance. And I just completely stopped doing that when it got to this relationship. Now I will say I didn't stop at first, right?'cause I kicked him out twice and then I forgave him and let him back in. But once I got to the point where I was strong enough to actually leave and I'd seen enough to no longer be able to feed any type of delusion in my mind that had been. Given to me from him, any type of lie or, you know, deceit. Um, it became so easy and I literally never looked back. Like I closed the door that day. I had like a brief communication with him the next day over just my concern about my health because I was like, you definitely cheated on me, and if you did, can you just please admit it? So I know whether or not I'm in danger, like health wise. Right? And I never fucking looked back after that. Never. Not a single word has been shared. There's been no communication. There's been no unblocking. Like I just am. Like what? Like there's literally nothing to talk about and there never will be. And I think that that was a hard one for me to accept and a hard thing for me to really like lean into and learn. Because like I said, I hadn't been like that in the past previously. And I did think that. I was always gonna have this like hole in my heart where if we never talked again, I would, you know, feel sad and feel like there was just something that wasn't closed off. And now I really couldn't feel more of the opposite because there is just quite literally nothing that this man could ever say to me that would heal me or make me feel better or help me in any way. That is not a person that I want in my life. It's not a person that I want in my energy, in my orbit by any means. I don't even want them on the same planet as me. And you know, it's like, what? What could they possibly say? Like what? What could somebody who did you that dirty and fucked you over that bad and that aggressively say to you, that would heal you? Nothing. So if your brain is playing tricks on you and telling you that there is something that they could say to you that would help heal you. I urge you to rethink that and just sit on it before you try to act on reaching out'cause I will say too, like for example, the one thing I did, which was reach out the next day and say like, Hey, do I need to get tested, type of thing. Even though I knew he cheated and I was just trying to get him to admit, like, I don't even know what I was doing. I was just grasping for straws, right. And it was so fucking stupid because guess what I got back in response to that. Literally the craziest, nastiest novel that I'd ever received in my entire life. Like I had just kicked him out, broken up with him. He had left me a letter that was like apologizing, saying how sorry he was, and that he would love me for the rest of his life. Hilarious. And then the next morning I texted him asking that question like. And he went off on me. He went psycho, literally psycho, and told me that I had been holding him hostage in the relationship for months and that he was terrified of me, the entire relationship and all these things, all these bullshit lies, like whatever, trying to put the blame on me and, and just make himself feel better. I don't even know. That's fine. I can be the bad guy in his story. I really don't care. Obviously, I do not give a fuck about what this person thinks of me like, so you know, it's just. Closure is bullshit. It's really bullshit and uh, I think in some cases it can be helpful. I think when you have a healthier breakup and a healthier relationship overall closure is good. I did have that with my last relationship and I do think it was helpful, but there was a lot of what I tried to do with the closure from that last relationship last year that was a waste of energy. So I would still err on the side of no closure. Um, so yeah, I mean, like I said, the moment you decide your story ends, like that's your closure. That's it. You walk away, you get them outta your house, you get them outta your life. That's it. You have nothing to worry about. And I will say too, like as you're going through the journey of healing, if that's where you're at, it doesn't mean that you're never gonna think about them. It just means that you can think about them and still be able to smile and like not have this horrible feeling in your stomach. Because what you'll think about instead is how you made it out stronger. And in some cases with like dv, like you made it out alive. You made it out safe and unharmed, you know? Um, and for me, I was really proud of myself'cause I was like, you know what? This guy could have strung me along for potentially a lot longer. Like, he really had his claws in me. And, you know, I could have married him. Like, I could have been so fucked, like, so fucked. You know, now I look back and I'm like, I learned a lot. I gained a lot. Like, this is great. I made it out, and I've proven to myself that I am strong and that I can get out of situations like that. Should I ever face them again? God forbid. I will say too, like sometimes when something breaks us, it's really easy to look back into the universe or God or whatever, and be like, why? Why? Why is this happening? I do that sometimes too. But you have to understand it's not a punishment. It's not a punishment. It's not, you know, your bad karma. It's none of that. It is redirection and divine intervention. It is exactly what you need and you may not be able to see it at the time. I promise you, take it from somebody who's been through the ringer. I promise you it is not a punishment and it is the redirection that you need and that your life needs. So if you're listening right now and you're in that space, you know, just take a deep breath, take several deep breaths and remember, you are not broken by any means. You are just beginning to be rebuilt. So, yeah, that's all I have for you guys today. Really appreciate you listening to a very personal and intimate episode. I hope that this was helpful in some way. And if you ever need advice on how to leave your shitty toxic relationship, please reach out to me. I can certainly support you with that if nothing else. So thank you guys again, so much for listening. I look forward to our next chat and I hope you guys have a wonderful day wherever you are, or night, and I love you all so much. Bye.