The Reality of PMDD Depression

Hi y'all! 

Continuing the vulnerability trend here and opening up about my struggles with PMDD since I was 15. Living with this means I deal with intense mood swings, fatigue, and self-doubt every cycle. 

It’s not just PMS, it's a real, diagnosable condition that deeply affects people's mental health. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, track my patterns, and remind myself that I’m not alone or broken. 

If you relate, know that you’re allowed to take up space and care for yourself, even on the hard days.

I hope this helps. Thanks for being here!

Xx,

Shy ♡  

Transcript

Shy 0:00

Hello and welcome back to Shy Space, where we talk about all things pertaining to mental health and manifestation. My name is Shy and I'm the host of this podcast, and I'm a little bit further away today. I am cozied up in bed, as you can see if you're watching on YouTube. So, yeah, hope you don't mind. This is my favorite place to be outside of being at the barn. So, yeah, I figured, I slacked on last week's episode because end of the month at work just always wrecks me. I always give myself a free pass really to get out of anything during the last week of the month. And in addition to that, I felt like, honestly I felt like I kind of needed a week to just like not worry about the podcast on top of everything else after the last episode that I did. Just because it was a lot, you know, it was like a big therapy session in a way where a lot was unpacked and, you know, released and all that. And it wasn't like, I felt like I couldn't come on the podcast and talk again. I just kind of was like, I think after climbing that mountain of a task, which was to publicly talk about the breakup when, you know, I'm not super keen on it, but I'm doing it for a reason that I believe is right, which is to help people and share for that reason. But anyways, I just kind of felt like I just deserved like a little reward after that. I was like, okay, this is like crazy, you know? We're gonna take a week off. So anyways, here we are, cozied up in bed, not having the greatest week to be completely honest with you guys. You know, the three pillars of Shy Space, if you're new here, are aimed to be surrounding authenticity, vulnerability, and positivity. And I feel like I do a really good job at being authentic for the most part, and positive for the most part. But I'm not the best at being super vulnerable. And when I say vulnerable, I just mean maybe sharing things that I would be more comfortable sharing on social media platforms that focus more intensely on like short form content. And I don't know why I feel that way. I think it's really strange that when I get in this setting, I feel the need to like kind of recluse and protect myself. And I think it's probably just the nature of you know how much more formal this is, even though I'm literally just sitting in my bedroom by myself. No one is listening or watching me. There's no pressure to be perfect or perform a certain way. I can edit this and retake it as many times as I'd like, but it's just, I don't know. It just ignites a wall in me for some reason, which I think is really interesting because of the nature of what I talk about and just the nature of who I am as a person. Yeah, it's just, it's really strange. So I'm trying to overcome that. And a big step towards doing that was last week's episode, right? Like talking about something that just felt embarrassing, I would say. And really the main reason that it felt embarrassing was just because of the fact that, I was screwed over and I was the one who was like in the position of harm and like impact. You know, like for some reason it just feels embarrassing when you're in that position and you feel like you could have done something to avoid it. So anyways, long-winded story as to why we're here a week later. I feel like I always owe you guys like an explanation, even though I know I don't. So I guess it's more of an explanation for myself if I were to ever look back and be like, what's with the gap here? But anyways, we're here with London and we're talking about something else that's really vulnerable and authentic. So go me like, honestly, who am I? And it's the truth about PMDD and all of the things that come with that. So if you're not familiar with PMDD, it is something called premenstrual dysphoric disorder. And it's not just a fancy term for PMS. It is so much more than that. And I wish it wasn't a thing, but it is. And it is something that every single time I talk about it, people are like either really shocked by it'cause they've never heard of it. Or they're really shocked by it because they think that they have it once they hear about it. And it's just crazy because if you're like me and you've ever felt like you actually turn into a completely different person for half of the month, if you're on a normal menstrual cycle, then you are not crazy. And it is not just PMS. You could potentially have PMDD. Now i'm obviously not a doctor. I am just someone who has experienced this my entire life since I had my first menstrual cycle. And I want to not break the silence because I don't think there's necessarily a silence surrounding it, but I want to like actually start talking about it because I'm at the point where I'm like, this is crazy, and I can't be the only person who is genuinely struggling on this level when it comes to this experience and these symptoms, and just the lack of actual like support that's surrounding it. Basically PMDD, if you don't know what it is already, is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome that impacts your mood, your identity, and your energy levels. And when I say identity, I feel like that's an important thing to, hone in on because it just so severely impacts the way that your brain functions for that period of time. And it is so batshit crazy. I can't even think of a better way to describe how I feel during that period of my cycle, except for just completely bat shit insane. Like everything is upsetting, everything is just like level 10 catastrophic sadness. Everything that I'm doing feels bleak and worthless and meaningless. I literally go from being on this high of like the good parts of my life and staying afloat and feeling good to dropping like a fucking rollercoaster so quickly into that cycle or into that phase of my cycle, I should say. And then I'm stuck there for a period of time, usually like a month, which is horrible. It's literally horrible. Some people feel this for the entire month if they're on monthly cycles, like regular menstrual cycles. Some people feel this for two weeks. When I was 14 years old, I got my first period and I went on birth control shortly after that. And part of the reason that I went on it was because I had a boyfriend and I was sexually active. And the other reason that I went on it was because I was having psychotic periods already, like within a year of getting my period, I was literally having periods twice a month every single month. That would last roughly eight days. And so basically I was on my period for at least half the month. And so the other half of the month, I was just feeling like shit for my period. Now keep in mind, this is literally me at 15 years old and so. I, you know, did what any other family would do. My mom took me to the OB and we investigated, and I wasn't like diagnosed with PMDD right from the onset, or I was diagnosed with it and I didn't understand it at the time, but basically I was put on a birth control pill that changes my cycle so that I could, in one way or another, try to like overcome this challenge, right, of having this completely fucked up cycle. I have now been on that type of birth control for 10 years, 10 plus years. And I will say it's been very helpful in the sense that not getting my period every month is obviously a blessing, but when I get to the last month of my cycle, I feel like it's almost even more of a hell because it's like three weeks leading up to my period and then the last week is my period. So those first three weeks are usually like hell or close to it. And if it's not that way for the entire month, then it's definitely that way for at least the last two weeks. And so that's where I'm at this week just for everyone's awareness, like completely unwell. And that's part of the reason why I wanted to talk about it'cause otherwise I'd rather not, right? But like this week, it's only Wednesday and I've just been genuinely struggling, like fighting for my life over everything and crying over everything and just feeling like so sad and just literally devastated over like everything like. It's so, I don't even wanna air out the things that I think about'cause it's so crazy. It's like, I'll think about a place that I used to live and I'll get so sad and nostalgic about this place and it's like a place that I wanted to leave and was like so excited to get out of. Or I'll see like a dog that has some type of slight disability and I'll just like wanna sob because I'm like, oh my God, I don't know. It's hard to explain. But then I'll think of my family members and missing them, or like, I'll think of my dog getting sick or anything happening there, or like my horse, I'm not even kidding, I'm just spewing at this point. But I could think of anything in my life and immediately come up with a very sad emotion and a very sad response. And it's just crazy because I don't even try. It's just my brain genuinely working overtime it's the worst thing ever, in my opinion. It does affect about 8% of people, but it's also hugely underdiagnosed. So I don't believe that that statistic is accurate. I have had, many conversations with people that have had very similar experiences in terms of the way that their symptoms show up with their menstrual cycle. And some abnormalities in that regard. So I feel like if you're suspecting it at all, I would see a doctor, I would do some research and I would just try to look into it because I'm at the point now where I'm wanting to do more to alleviate the symptoms that I have, and I'm working with a new OB to do that because it is so debilitating. And once you realize that it's not just these normal mood swings, it's actually a general issue, like it's a problem. It's not just mood swings. It's not just PMS, it is actually a diagnosed condition. For me, it literally feels like every single third month, every 90 days basically, or every like 70 days, I just completely lose myself. And I go through this like psychotic meltdown where I question everything. I reevaluate everything, and I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, and I just feel like a worthless, hopeless piece of shit. And it's literally the worst fucking feeling ever. And it just sucks knowing that once I get over it, it's gonna come back in two and a half months time. And I can't even imagine how some people feel out there if they're experiencing what I'm experiencing and they're like, oh no, it's gonna come back in a week or two. I can't. And that's a thing too, about the depression within PMDD that nobody talks about is in addition to just not talking about it, is that what it feels like is not just sadness, it's not really the same as like your normal depressive sadness. It is a full blown shutdown where you, I guess a lot of people do get that type of major depressive disorder where they actually shut down. But like at least for me, when I'm depressed, like I can feel the difference between PMDD and normal depression. My normal depression is manageable. My PMDD is a full blown shutdown where I genuinely feel like I cannot function, I cannot work, I cannot do anything without crying. And it's like, just basic tasks are so hard and that entire week or two weeks or whatever is just really challenging. And I always get through it, but damn, it's fucking hard. I just feel so much hopelessness. I get really. Intentionally isolated. Instead of leaning into my normal routine, I will actually isolate myself further, and then I'll get more sad about the fact that I'm isolated. I will cry for no reason. I will question my life, question everything about myself, and then just have full blown emotional whiplash. I'll go from feeling really confident and creative to wondering if my life has any meaning and then a week later I'm feeling fine again and back with my normal cycle. Before I went on the pill, it would be back to feeling like a worthless, hopeless piece of shit again. It's just terrifying. It's terrifying when you even try to get support from a mental health perspective, right? I have a therapist, I have a psychiatrist. I don't really know what else they can do to help me outside of what they're already doing. And it's still so impactful, which is really shitty. Even people that I love don't understand it. And that's challenging. When I was growing up, I feel like it was hard for my family to understand it. I've always had a hard time explaining it to certain friends who might not understand that. And also, partners, you know, like, I don't know, it just depends on who you're dating, of course. But it's, I think for me personally, I find a lot of shame in that stigma of like, oh my God, a woman on her period. You know, like I just get, I get caught up in that stupid fucking narrative and just being like, oh my God. I'm a woman and I'm on my period and I can't control my emotions. Like it's just your classic stereotype narrative. But then I'm like, wait, no, this isn't your classic stereotype narrative. I'm literally DSM 5 up in this bitch. This is a DSM 5 emergency, so please help me. So yeah, I don't know. I, I just, it's hard'cause another reason that I wanna bring this up is because I feel like a lot of people are really quick to just dismiss it as PMS or anxiety, especially, you know, your family members who don't know anything, or even worse doctors who might not know about it. But the truth is that's just not the case. There's been so many times where I could not show up for myself or for work or just random things like I might need to take a mental health day at work, or I might have to skip the barn because I'm literally having a meltdown over nothing, and it makes no sense. And then later I understand that I was just like really stressed out from the hormones or whatever. It's just again, constant cycle of psychotic energy and psychotic feelings and just really a fun time, honestly. If I haven't sold you on wanting to be a girl yet, let me know. So let's talk a little bit more about the actual, like science. What is London doing? The science, yet simple science of what's actually happening in your body as a female if you have PMDD. It's important to emphasize that it's not actually caused by too much or too little hormones, so to speak. It's not like your body is just overproducing hormones and like you're going crazy because of it. It's actually having a sensitivity to normal hormonal changes. So having an abnormal sensitivity to normal hormonal changes. Many of us know this, but some of us don't. If you have a normal menstrual cycle, during the luteal phase, which is uh one, two weeks or so before your period, you have a major drop in estrogen and progess, progesterone....?? That can mess with your serotonin, which is your feelgood neurotransmitter in your brain. Which then causes mood crashes, fatigue and brain fog. So you have your luteal phase and it drops the feel good chemicals, which causes the bad reaction in your brain and then as a PMDD person, rather than just having a normal response to the drop, you go psychotic and you question everything in your life as if you just are the worst things since fucking sliced bread. I don't even know. So yeah, but like I mentioned, PMDD is officially recognized in the DSM 5. So yes, it is a real diagnosable condition. And yes, you can use it to get out of taking an exam. I just made that up. I'm kidding. I don't know if you can, but if you can't, I would be very shocked because. Yeah, I mean, come on. It's 2026. Basically, like we're all about mental health here. And the thing too about the mental health stuff, especially if you're like needing a mental health day from school or work, is to remember that it's not just in your head. What happens in your head and in your brain and in your mind deeply affects your hormones because your hormones in your brain are deeply connected. I guess I should have said that backwards, like what happens with your hormones deeply affects your brain, but same vice versa. And again, I feel like once you learn that there's science behind this, it's easy to feel a little bit better and not feel like you're broken. At least for me, once I was able to identify this cycle and like what was happening, I could understand it better and kind of, I think it's easier to process when you understand it, but it doesn't make it easier to live through. Now a couple ways that I like to cope with this lovely storm that shows up every 90 days or so is I mean, it really just depends on like what I can stomach, right? So that's gonna look different every day, every cycle, every time. And there's not gonna be a one size fits all PMDD toolkit. But if there were, it would include things like taking it slow, eating your comfort food. Having days where you don't have to make decisions or like do anything crazy, like really, really slowing down and just relaxing. Taking baths, you know, spending time outside. Spending time with friends and family, if that feels safe. Spending time with animals, if that feels safe, but I hope that it does'cause animals are so healing. Meditation, journaling, reading, like all the things that I would do on a normal self-care day. I will try to do, but I will say most of the time when I'm struggling with PMDD, I can't get myself to do self-care things except for workout and spend time with animals. Because I get really hyper fixated on the like, if I don't get my ass together and get my fucking, podcast done and my job done and close 80 million worth of pipeline this month, then I might as well just end it all because there's just no point in me being here. That's kind of the talk track that I have. So it's a little bit harder for me to be like, I'm gonna rest and meditate. Like, no, I usually just get up and I skip the meditation and I like go straight to the workout and it's just not the healthiest, but we're working on it. Some other things would be, um, noting emotional patterns that you have so that you can be aware of them and not feel like they're this big, crazy thing. And just knowing like, Hey, this is normal. This is what I experience every 21 days of my cycle. A lot of people I know track their cycles with an app or like a journal, which helps them. I personally don't do that because of my weird cycle. I also don't think I would do it regardless. And then some supplements that I've been told to take over the years by different OBs are things like magnesium, B 6 having primrose oil, and then also obviously like medicated options, um, or therapeutic options like CBT, SSRIs, hormonal birth control, if that's applicable and appropriate. Apparently that's supposed to help. I wouldn't know since I've been on birth control since I was 15. But the last thing I'll say is that just like explaining to people what you're going through is really helpful also, because if you're like me and you distance yourself and you're going through it, you don't want the people in your life to take that personally even though they shouldn't. That's a big unpopular opinion on my part, is that I don't think people should take that type of stuff personally'cause it almost never has anything to do with them. However, I do understand that we are responsible for our own communication on our own needs and things like that to the people in our lives. So it doesn't hurt to just tell them what's going on and explain to them what you go through so they can try to support you. Another thing that's, I feel like a big thing that I try to focus on is rewriting the narrative and just reminding myself when I'm in that state and I'm feeling so broken and just so miserable that I'm actually not broken and there's nothing wrong with me. I just try to reflect on like, you know what I'm going through. The fact that I'm not the only one going through it, and that it is an actual external thing from myself that I don't have to identify with and take as my whole entire being. It's also really helpful when it comes to teaching you about self-compassion. Just, I mean, like in terms of struggling with PMDD. For me personally, it's helped with my self-compassion and learning how to treat my body like an intuitive messaging system or just a friend in general and not an enemy. I have a lot of guilt surrounding my responsibilities, especially as it pertains to my animals because they're literally my children. And anytime I have a day where I feel like I need to be selfish and take more care of myself, and I skip something that I would usually do for or with them, I get sick to my stomach and I'm like literally getting emotional just talking about this. This is so silly. I literally get sick to my stomach and I feel like I'm the worst person alive and. I just get so caught up on my thoughts and I'm like, oh, I'm so unworthy of these things that I have. Like I can't even show up for my horse or my dog the way that they need me to, or the people in my life. As you can tell, it's a really emotionally charged subject and um, yeah, it's just, it's hard for example with the barn and my horse, that's a big responsibility. It's a big undertaking. It takes a lot of my time and energy and I wouldn't change that for the world, but there's days where I have to just decide I can't go to the barn. I can't do that today after work. And again, this is such first world problems. It's so silly. But this is genuinely how I operate and this is me through and through, not just when I'm on my period or struggling with my mental health, like through and through. This is an expectation that I carry on myself. And so if I have a day where I feel like I need to prioritize myself and my self-care like. I feel like I can't do it. I feel like I'm not worthy of it. I feel like, you know, just those things. Those are the types of like thought processes I have. And it gets so bad that like I will literally fight myself to the point of like burning myself out to having a mental breakdown. And then it's like worse'cause I can't show up the way that I need to. So something that I've been working on in therapy is changing how I respond to those messages from myself and respond to those symptoms from like my body and practicing that self-compassion. And just like understanding how to live more cyclically and really just honoring my energy and like my phases in life. Right? Because at the end of the day, like even if you're not somebody who has a menstrual cycle, you are gonna go through ups and downs in life, and you're going to have strong periods of time and periods of time where you struggle. And that doesn't mean that you're not worthy of taking a break. It doesn't mean that you're not worthy of slowing down. I can't believe I'm crying this much. This is like so embarrassing. But again, you can tell this is like how emotionally charged this is for me because I genuinely do feel like if I slow down, it's not okay. And something bad's gonna happen, like something's gonna go wrong or like, I don't know. Like I think of so many things that could happen and then I use those as ways to invalidate myself from getting rest or taking care of myself or prioritizing my needs. And it's just really hard and I can't even imagine how some people feel out there that have kids and things like that because you know, it's just so hard for me as a person who doesn't have children. I have animal children and I still feel so much guilt, so I can't imagine how much more severe the human mom guilt is surrounding that. And just like the fact that, God forbid you want to take a day to rest or something, or like skip out on an activity that your kid or you know, whoever wants to do, and it just feels like the end of the world. And for me, I will literally push myself, get into the car, drive to the barn, and then while I'm making my way to the barn, my body will do this thing when I'm in this mode of like, I need a break. And it will just literally make me like, feel so uncomfortable. And so, I don't even know what word to use besides uncomfortable, and then I just get like frozen and paralyzed and I'm like, I can't go. I can't go. And then I'm like, but I wanna go, but I wanna go. I need to go, but I can't go. And then I just spiral. Recently I've been learning how to stop the car, pull over, assess how I'm feeling, and make a decision that actually is good for me. And I did that today. I compensated the guilt that I felt about not going to the barn today by making sure that I showed up and did the podcast episode tonight. So I don't know that's really, a functional, healthy way to go about this. I'll have to talk to my therapist about that during our appointment tomorrow because I do feel like, you know, my body's asking for rest and then I go and I do more work. It's kind of counterproductive, but it's hard'cause part of the reason why I get stressed when I go to the barn is'cause I have less time to do other things, which contributes to my stress and my overall feelings of anxiety. So, I don't know, this was just like a giant therapy session at this point. So I'm sorry that you're having to listen to me, just like unpack all my thoughts and feelings, but hopefully it's helpful because I do really think that it's important for women to understand how to live more cyclically, I can't say these words tonight. Um, and honor those phases and like just understanding that it actually gives you more power when you are in the flow with life and what life needs from you. I would like to pivot things from this extremely depressing vibe that I've set to wrap the episode up with a little bit of affirmative energy by reminding you that you're not dramatic, you're not lazy, you're not hard to love, you're not crazy, you're not anything negative, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just navigating a torrential storm that most people don't even know is existing or exists in general. Like they may not know that it, it exists, period, as in they're unfamiliar with PMDD or they may not know that it exists in your life. Because they're unfamiliar with your game, and that is not something to be ashamed of. It's actually something to be proud of because I think if you can hide that, you're doing pretty damn well my friend. Because I'm over here crying at everything that I see on the sidewalk. So anyways, that's all I have for you guys today. I really appreciate you listening and being vulnerable with me. And I hope if you're watching on YouTube that London brought some smiles to your face like she did for me. She is so cute and she loves you all and she thanks you guys for listening. A couple things I'll leave you guys with just from a homework perspective'cause you know I love to give you homework. I would encourage you guys to start tracking your mood and your cycle to look for patterns if it's something that you feel like would be helpful for you. And when I say track your patterns, I really mean the patterns that are happening within your cycle and your moods when it comes to just your emotions and your thoughts and your feelings. Like things that are recurring. I would also love to hear any experiences that other people have with PMDD. Like, please, if you're a fellow PMDD, drop a comment, send me a dm, something I would love to not feel alone and hear about anything that you might do that actually helps with the symptoms. And then the last thing I'll leave you with is another affirmation, which is a reminder that you're allowed to be both healing and hormonal. You're allowed to take up space even on the hard days. That one's really for me, but I hope it was helpful for you too because I do not feel like I can be healing and hormonal at the same time, I kind of feel black and white in that regard, and I think it's important to know that that's just not the case. Love you guys so much. Thank you again for all your support and for listening. Reminder to subscribe, share comment, all the things. Let me know, your thoughts, feedback, comments, questions. Similar experiences or anything of the like. And yeah. Love you guys so much. Thank you again for your support and I'll see you next week. Bye.