The Truth About My Life Right Now (Tea Time Pt. 2)

Hey y'all!

This episode is a real, unfiltered catch up chat as I close out my 28th year of life! Covering everything from work and growth to dating, being single, and what life actually feels like right now. I talk about the identity shifts I’ve gone through, what I’ve learned about relationships (and myself), and how I’m learning to separate my self-worth from performance. 

We're honest, a little chaotic, and grounded in the reality that I don’t have everything figured out, but I feel more aligned than ever. If you’re in a season of becoming, letting go, or figuring things out as you go, this one’s for you. Thanks for being here!

Xx,
Shy ♡  

Transcript

0:00

Hello everyone. Welcome back to Shy Space, where we talk about all things pertaining to mental health and manifestation. My name is Shy, I'm the host of this podcast and I have my co-host London here with me. Um, we are so excited to be here with y'all for another episode and we have an exciting agenda for the episode today. Um, as you can see from the title, I am really doing a much more like casual episode, not in terms of how I look, because I always look like this on the podcast but just more of a casual topic I guess. I feel like lately I've been talking a lot about just life and like, you know, ways to manifest and, you know, tools and things like that, mental health stuff, all really great topics, but I. I haven't done an episode where I've just kind of talked about, you know, my life and what's been going on lately and just updates and how, how some of these things that I've talked about throughout each episode have truly played a role in like what I've been going through.'cause I feel like. Usually I'm like, I delve really deep into things and I don't know why I haven't been doing that as much lately. I think maybe it's because I do shorter episodes than I used to, and I used to talk a lot more like just kind of off the hook. And now because I'm in a shorter time period, like I'm trying to crunch it. I can't just like, yap. Without a script to keep me focused, which is why I'm always like looking down at my computer, so any who, I just wanted to do like a casual catchup chat, I guess, and, and, and just be a little bit more open and vulnerable because I find that to be very healing for myself. I find it to be very nice for me to connect with my audience in that way, and it usually ends up helping a person or two, which is really all I can ask for. So grateful. For you all to be listening here and just spending your time with me. So like I said, I feel like I haven't done a catch up, sit down like chat like this in a very long time, and I do post a lot on TikTok, but I just feel like this is a very different format with a very different audience. And I wanna actually talk like I wanna be more free. So I do have an outline of like the main things that I wanna share with you guys, but really what inspired this episode is my birthday's coming up and I get very reflective at the end of the year and at the end of my like, birth years, uh, if you will. So whenever I'm going into my birthday, I'm sure I'm not unique to have this experience, but I really think about the year ahead the year that I experienced and you know, just what I want in life and like how I'm doing and how I'm progressing towards my goals, and really just being like happy,'cause that's my biggest goal. But all of the other goals tie into that. So, potato, potato I guess. Um, so yeah, I just wanna talk like life update, dating update. There isn't really one, but, um, mindset update. We're gonna really cover everything. And just to like, give you the tea. Yes, I'm single, but I'm somehow like the most aligned that I've ever been. And yeah, it's a crazy concept. I don't know, it's an interesting journey that I've been on, but yeah, just gonna try to keep this as unfiltered as possible because I feel like I've kind of been tiptoeing around things lately. I used to be like, just. So cutthroat candidate on the pod. And then, you know, you grow up a little bit and you're like, ah, I'm scared. But that's not how I'm trying to be. I'm not trying to be scared because there's nothing to be afraid of, honestly. I love when people are vulnerable and there's literally nothing wrong with being vulnerable. So who am I trying to convince you or me? I'm not really sure. But I just feel like the whole theme of, honestly, this year of my life, and therefore this episode that I wanna relay is: give yourself permission at any stage in your life, I don't care if you're my age, which I'm almost 29 by the way, so we're talking about my 28th year of life. You could be 48, you could be 18, you could be 17, you could be 27. Like I literally, this could apply to anyone because what I'm going through and this like phase of my life, if you will, I think is very. Very relatable and therefore not unique to my age bracket. I just wanna anchor on the theme that I've been telling myself and I've been like, grounding myself in, which is giving myself permission to not have it all figured out because I'm not, first of all, I'm not as old as I think I am. I get really dramatic about, everything in my life, but. Specifically it, I do get dramatic about like my aging and so, you know, I've kind of like put a lot of pressure on myself this past year being 28 and on this upcoming year of being 29, because I'm closing out my twenties and like I just feel like a lot of pressure to accomplish a certain amount of things before I turn 30 and going into my thirties. And I just have this like vision of how things should be, right? And so it's really hard because when you get caught up in the vision, it's great because that's gonna give you a target, like a bullseye, you know, to where you want to go. Your focus, I talked about this on my last episode. Your focus creates your future. So you need to have. Laser focus on something in that regard. Um, however you don't want it to be so like, so stickler and so stiff and so rigid and not like flexible in terms of the outcome, how it manifests, all of those things that you get to the point where you're literally like, decrepit from anxiety, I don't even know if that's the right word, just deceased from anxiety because you're not able to just go with the flow and like let life bring it however it's going to. And also when I say go with the flow, I mean like when things go wrong or they don't come when you want them to in terms of timing and all that. Like you gotta flow with it because that's how you get to the point where you're literally in flow state, like actual flow state. I'm not talking about like the trendy shit, like actual flow state to where you're flowing with all of the energy of everything that you want and the energy of the universe. And it's this magical, harmonious dance. And it's amazing. So anywho, you don't have to have everything figured out. Just let yourself be just one day at a time, one minute at a time. Whatever you can stomach truly, whatever you can stomach. So a big thing that happened to me when I was 28 is I had a major identity shift. I feel like I went through a lot of stuff that I've talked about that impacted how I viewed myself. It impacted my view on like, my ability to trust myself, my ability to trust my intuition, um, my ability to trust my like radar for trusting people and like knowing when somebody's a good person. Stuff like that. Like I just really felt like the ground was ripped out from under me and I was like, oh my gosh, like, am I able to even like sense danger or like anything, you know what I mean? Like, do I have my head on straight? Like I don't, I don't know if I do, at least in that regard, because everything in my life is great, but that was very questionable and I guess I just made it really obvious what I'm talking about. But anyways, there a lot of things in my life are going great, but then there's just this one area that's like been a challenge and everybody knows what that is. So it's not that big of a deal. But it's just is so interesting because it's like, obviously I'm trying to figure out why is this challenging for me? Like what? What am I bringing to the table that's causing this? And like, where am I disconnected with myself to the point where like, I'm not, I'm literally not seeing this shit like it's happening right in front of me. Hello. Like why are you not acknowledging it? And it's not that I wasn't aware of things'cause I was very, I was so fucking aware. I was too aware, but I was still like in denial. So I don't know. I just think I had to have a big identity shift because. I felt like I didn't know who I was after I went through that trauma in, in the year 28. I didn't feel like I, I was like, what was happening in my life was just so opposite of what I was expecting, that I was literally forced to just be like, okay, bitch. You know, like we just gotta like figure this, the fuck out. I don't know, because when the ground gets ripped out from under you, what, what do you do? You just fucking hold on for dear life. Until you land on the next layer of ground, whatever that is, however far it is, like, I don't know. I don't know how long you're gonna be falling, babe, but just hold on tight. I will say too, regardless of the trauma I'm saying that I had an identity shift, which I feel like I need to hone back in on because that is so big. And I'm not saying that in a casual sense of like, oh, like I had an identity shift. Like I had a literal fucking identity shift where I've just spent like. The past, however long it's been, it's been quite, quite a long time at this point, and I've been so deep in like shadow work and like reflection and it's just been so intense and I've been taking on so many things on top of that that have been like fueling this growth and this like evolution and it's so, so crazy because I don't think that I could have gotten to this point without what I went through. And so unfortunately it gave me exactly what I needed and it's just like, fuck that. You know what I mean? Like literally fuck you and fuck that shit. Like, fuck, having to go through trauma to get to this point, but also like slay like I. Okay. Ate with that, like, okay, you did, you did the damn thing. The message has been received. Like period. Queen point blank. I'm trying to be so hip right now. Can you tell? Um, and my fucking eye patches are falling down again. Dude, I'm just a mess. But I just like, yeah, fuck that. Fuck. Honestly, having to be traumatized to get to like a spiritual awakening, I totally get it and it totally works. And I fucking see, I see the vision, but I'm not down with it. Like I don't. I don't support it. I would like another method to that destination. Another thing that I will say that's been a big theme in year 28 for me is like again, allowing myself to be where I'm at and then being less about like trying to prove things. And I feel like because I'm a big people pleaser, I've always tried to like make sure that, you know, I'm proving that like I'm a good person and like. All these things, like, I just set all these expectations of like, make sure that you're like set, showing up as these things so that people know that you're these things and it's like, what the fuck is keeping score of whether or not you're doing X, Y, and Z in your life except for you no one. So. That's fine to like, make sure that you're being a good person, but let's make sure it's actually about yourself. So again, like less proving and just more being like more embodiment of just like who I genuinely believe that I am and that I know I'm meant to be and that I'm growing into every single day. And it's interesting because that starts with like all this mindset work and like all the things that I do on a daily basis to coach myself into becoming that version of myself. So again. Caring less about validation, making decisions, this is a big one, and I do not want people to sleep on this piece of advice because I have heard this from so many successful people. Successful people make decisions in 90 seconds or less. If you are dwelling on something and not making a confident, assertive decision on something right away. You need to figure out what's going on there and why you're not able to trust your intuition and act quickly, and move quickly and just make those quick, competent decisions because people who are under a lot of pressure have a very, very large privilege at their hands to be under that pressure, within that role, title, whatever it is, leadership, whatever it may be. But with that comes the responsibility to be able to make those quick decisions confidently and trust yourself and be able to just know that even if you make the wrong decision, you're strong enough and smart enough to figure it out, recalibrate, reboot, and figure it out and move on to the next thing that you're supposed to do. So this is a huge thing for me in my sales work that I do. It's a huge thing for me in my life as an equestrian. There is just no area of life that this is not applicable to. And it's so important, especially in your relationships. Like this also just allows you to choose peace over chaos too, if you think about it, because, okay, like I, and I'm preaching to the choir right now, right? I am either that type of bitch where I'm like making a decision right away. And I'm like, not looking back, get fucked if you even try to like, question my decisions or my, my thinking. And then there's other times where I'm so stuck in like the hyper analytical, overly analytical mindset and I just spiral nonstop and I hate being that way and that's not how I wanna live. And so it's like I go back and forth, so I'm no angel here. I struggle with this. I literally just talked to a client about this today. I was like, I struggle with what to eat for dinner so often I go back and forth, back and forth. What should I have? What should I have? It's like, you know, analysis, paralysis. There's way too many options. It's just crazy. So I just cannot drill into the, making decisions quickly enough. Because it is so important and just because, like I said, I've spent so much time being mentored by so many people and they all say the same fucking thing and they're all successful. One plus one equals two. So I think also what I realized in this whole journey from, being cheated on, having all that trauma, having to just like rebuild myself, I just realized like I am no longer trying to be somebody's person. I'm no longer trying to be chosen by somebody. I feel like that was my problem for a lot of my life in terms of like how I looked at relationships is partially like as a fulfillment strategy. And not totally because I absolutely love being in a relationship. And I think it's really important to have relationships in your life, like family's important and I love family, so I do wanna have that partnership in the future. Like that's something that's very, very important to me. But I made it so important that it was like above all else, you know? And that's never gonna work. And I think that's just obviously why. I know from a broader spiritual journey perspective, this is happening for a lot of other reasons, but also in addition, similarly, this all has been happening because I literally put finding a person and like being in my own family unit or whatever. Like I put that above everything. And that is so wrong to me personally. I don't wanna judge anybody, but to me that's wrong. That's not right for my life and who I'm meant to be in terms of like the version of me that is the happiest. Yeah, at the end of the day, peace has just become far more attractive to me than any sort of potential, which I think is why it's been so easy for me to stay single, which I'll talk about in a second. Before we dive into that fun stuff, let's talk first about a quick like work and career tea recap'cause I have a lot going on here and it's been a great year in terms of success and just like everything, I started a new job. I had income growth alongside that job, which is fantastic. And I stepped into a higher level role, which is fantastic, at a higher level company. So just all around like really, really great. Great. On the outside. Fantastic, wonderful. Great for the resume, all the things. But when it comes to the emotional side and like the real, you know, the real shit that comes with, like I said, pressure, privilege, all the things, there's so much, like I have so much pressure on me and there's so much stress, and I have a huge tie between my identity and how I'm performing. So like. You do the math. If I'm not performing well one month, I'm definitely not having a good month when it comes to my mental health and how I feel about myself. And I've been in this business for a while now and it's been a consistent struggle for me. But as I've evolved over the past year, I have definitely learned how to separate the two and it's gotten a lot easier and it's so amazing. But it's still really hard because obviously like anybody who is doing something that they love, like it's really difficult to navigate trying to like love it and, and be good at it, but not let it consume you to the point where when you're not doing good at it, you know your worth is just like in the shitter and you're in the shitter and everything fucking sucks. So my recent work in therapy and the shift that I've had that has helped me the most is just really detaching my self worth from my performance. And there's a lot more that I can talk about this in detail, like all sorts of things that are really amazing to learn about how you just like if you don't, like if I am saying this, because if you don't believe that you are worthy, no matter what you do, of happiness and love and all the things, then you have a lot of work to do in that regard, and there's actually like workbooks and things that I've learned about that you can apply and use that can help with this that helps you just learn like nervous system regulation obviously, and like that safety and that calmness and reminding yourself that you can truly be excellent, amazing, and successful in all the things without being exhausted and burnt out and all of those things. So we talked a little bit about this couple episodes ago. High performers are often, really dysregulated me for an example. And so learning to regulate yourself instead of overworking is amazing because it actually does help you perform better, which is actually fantastic. I feel like I'm learning that peace, consistency, presence, all of those things feel so much better than chaos and it's so nice to just anchor into the body and just live in the moment. It's really, really, I keep saying fantastic, but I don't know, that just is like my word of choice lately'cause I'm like, everything is fantastic. I'm so dramatic too, in my day-to-day life. I'm like, oh my God, fuck this, fuck that. And on an overall level, I'm like, life is so great. And I truly mean that like life is fantastic. Even with the dumb shit that gets me down on a day to day, like I don't really care that much. It's, I get over it so quickly. But anyways, let's get into the real tea. So dating and being single. I've been single for quite a while now, so that's why I'm talking about it. I feel like obviously being single is like very normal. Like that's not a big deal. But I've been like so single, like truly, truly single for so long, and I feel like the reason that I'm wanting to bring this up is because I honestly did not think that I would be, at this point, like still very much secluded and just like in my own energy and not wanting to like step out and do that. But I've realized that it really has so much to do with the peace aspect of it because I'm so immersed in my life and my goals and like what I'm looking to accomplish and where I'm trying to go that anything that could potentially interrupt that is really unattractive to me. And I mean, with how much I have on my plate, my days are filled up like to the brim. My weeks are filled up to the brim, like at the start of fucking Monday. And so it's just hard because then I'm like, Ooh, I don't really have time for this. And I don't really wanna make time for this, and like, you're just probably gonna stress me out and fucking drain my energy and be annoying. And I don't even want to I don't even want this. And it's really hard because I'm like, well, I do want this, but I don't right now. So I've had to kind of just come to terms with like, this is not something I'm lacking i'm just not in alignment with it at this time in my life. And that's totally fine. And I wanted to share that because I feel like. I don't know. I don't know if a lot of people talk about this. I don't really see people talking about this, but I think it's important to feel like okay with that. Because life is truly so short and you can spend so many years of your life with a partner, and that's amazing. But we do have our whole lives to find a partner. And I'm not saying that you should wait till you're like fucking 50 or something and like wait till you have all these goals accomplished to do that. But I think if you are like me where you're like really career driven and like kids don't really interest you and you are more focused on your goals and that type of thing, and like having a partner is important to you, but it's not because you wanna have kids and all of that. That I feel like is so different because you're working against your biological clock. It's just like, it's just very different and I feel like the world is different these days. It's not something to be ashamed of. And I just wanted to share that in case there's anybody out there who feels like me and they potentially feel ashamed by it because I totally get it and I feel randomly really ashamed to by it myself. So, uh, we don't love that, but it's okay. I think a big thing too, in year 28 is I actually was able to kind of realize all of this about myself in terms of like what I want, what I don't want, what I really, really care about. And I'm just way more attracted to consistency again, peace, calm, emotional intelligence, emotional availability. And so it's like, I think when I see somebody that fits everything that I want,'cause the list is fucking long. I'll know it and it will be really attractive to me and I will make time for it, but I just haven't gotten to that point and that's totally fine because I'm busy as hell. Like I said, I think my light's like flashing. I can't tell anyways. But I think the, the important thing to remember too, if like you're getting out into the dating pool is don't be attracted to potential. Be attracted to reality because that is what is there. So don't make this mistake that I made. Potential is an illusion. Uh, when it comes to another person. At least you cannot control them and you never will. So let's not try to even pretend that we can. Something that I wrote down in my notes about why I'm not dating and like what I wanted to say. This is hilarious, is I don't want butterflies if they are coming from a crippling anxiety, which is just so funny because it's like the amount of times that I've spent going into fight or flight and having that like crazy feeling in your stomach, but it's not the good feeling. It's like horrible. I don't want that. If it confuses me, if it stresses me out, it's not for me. I am. I'm not waiting for anything. I'm just living my life and what's meant to be will be. So I hope that resonates with somebody. On that note, let's talk about some of the inner work I've done recently that I've already been talking about in other episodes, but just kinda like a quick recap of the things that I've been doing that's actually like, changed me and helped me grow and evolve. First and foremost is the nervous system regulation and awareness. I've talked a lot about this. Your nervous system is literally running your entire life subconsciously, or consciously, if you're aware of it. And so having that understanding of like dysregulation, intuition, you know, the two versus each other and what the difference is, has been the most life-changing skill, mindset shift, that I could ever adopt. And it's something that I just want everyone to do as well, because I want everyone to be happy and to be able to live their best lives and be their best selves. And this is like the first step to doing that. The second step in my opinion is then the emotional regulation, because you can't regulate your emotions until your nervous system is actually regulated, because it just like fires and wires automatically. And that's what causes the emotional outbursts and things. So being able to pause before I respond or react, and spiraling less, or not spiraling about things at all, and like actually stopping myself from the spiral, having faster recovery from a spiral, like these are huge milestones that I've been able to accomplish a lot lately, which I'm so happy about. As an anxious girly, it is a huge deal. And then again, some of those identity shifts from like needing to fix myself and rush myself and all these things to actually just wanting to really understand myself. And just trust myself and just be on the journey with myself every single day and just learn and not overthink and not make everything like this big freaky ordeal that it's, doesn't need to be. And a big, big way that I've been doing that, that I'm really excited to talk more about in like the coming weeks is working with my horse, which I've talked a lot about in terms of like riding and stuff. But I've also been doing a coaching program related to horses that is really, really amazing and it has just been like so transformative for me in myself, and my relationship with myself as well as my relationship with others and my horses, or my horse, excuse me. But horses in general'cause I interact with a lot of horses on a, you know, weekly basis at the barn. I've said this before, but horses really reflect your inner state and they teach you how to learn presence and how to be grounded and how to just like process and regulate and it's just the most amazing thing. So I've been learning a lot about that with my horse this past year, which is fantastic too. There I go again with fantastic. It's just again, like that reminder that you can feel safe like within yourself and just being yourself. Really having that awareness is just like so life changing and so powerful and impactful, and it's what you need before you can take action to make yourself or your life better in whatever way that you want to do that. Some of the actual like things that I'm loving right now in terms of like habits, whatever, methodologies, whatever some routines that I have. So meditating, journaling, I've, I talk about this all the time. I feel like I keep saying, I talk about this, I talk about this, whatever. Meditating, journaling, visualization, breath work, yoga, walking, nature therapy, art therapy, all those things, big fan. And having like stricter routines, I feel like is something that I also really love for my mental health and just my like wellbeing. Some products that I've been using, a lot of that I really enjoy are a like lavender heat thing that I put on my, the back of my neck because it helps relax and I feel like a lot of people hold stress and like tense energy in the back of their neck and their shoulders. So I've gotten like a heat thing for that. I also have been using, what have I been using? Oh, I strictly only drink tea. I don't know if I've talked about this before on the podcast, but I strictly only drink tea, and that's been a big life changer for me as well. Once I cut out coffee, I will say just like. Bye-bye. Um, I don't really drink alcohol anymore. That's been a huge thing for me. That helps. And I mean, I've just become obsessed with yoga and riding my horse, which is just so good for like my mental state. So that's honestly really nice. I like to just really like slow down. And also I really like to just improve myself, so I listen to a lot of like good vibes stuff on YouTube and podcasts and things like that. And it just really helps again with my mental health and like what I think about,'cause I listen to Abraham Hicks like so, so often. I've started setting much better boundaries with people and just in life and like started saying no to things, and like, you know, sticking up for myself, asking questions, just like doing things that are honoring me and my needs more often. And I've also been really, really good at like romanticizing life, which I love because I feel like. I have always struggled with just kind of feeling like life is just like scary and bleak and just depressing, and I don't wanna feel that way. And so kind of like romanticizing the little moments and just like being really overly grateful and just happy for everything that happens helps me feel like my life is really, really full and doesn't help me feel, it reminds me that my life is really, really full and that I have so much to be grateful for and so much to be happy about because it's easy to let the voices win, but we're still figuring it out at this age in our lives, and I think we don't give ourselves enough credit for that because we feel like we're supposed to have it all figured out. So what I'm taking into 29 with me that I wanted to share with you all is really, really focusing on balancing ambition with peace. So I don't wanna overwork myself and like drill myself into the ground just to be successful and reach all these goals. I do wanna actually enjoy the journey and be at peace and be happy along the way. And when I do find somebody that, is, I feel like is worth my energy from a dating perspective, I really, really need it to be something that like is very, very healthy and that I don't lose alignment within myself. I'm also not allowing myself to tie any timelines to self-worth when it comes to like, goals and success. I feel like it's okay to have a general like timeline of like, oh, I'd love for this to happen by this year, or date or whatever, but like, it's not end all be all because I don't wanna feel behind. I just wanna feel like I'm in the chapter that I'm supposed to be in. And it might be a different chapter than somebody else's, but that's fine. So if you're in a similar place to myself where you know, you're figuring things out, you're kind of in between versions of yourself, you're not alone, you're becoming, you're on your journey and maybe life at this age or this stage doesn't look like what you had planned or what you had thought that you would be doing and what you wanted, but it could be so much better than you once imagined, and you don't even know what's coming. So trust the journey. Trust yourself, and just remember that everything happens for a reason. And also everything doesn't have to make sense to actually be working for you because you don't always get to understand it right when it's happening. You often have like a rear view moment where you're like, oh, that makes sense. So don't wait for your life to start, this is it. Go after your dreams, your goals, your passions, whatever. And some advice that I'll leave you with on my last note for the evening is some advice that I would love to have given myself at 27, going into 28, or just in my like 28th and 27th year of life. Stop rushing. Stop forcing things, people, places, jobs, whatever it may be, stop rushing, stop forcing. Stop those things. Trust the red flags when they come up. And remember that your life is not late. You are exactly on time always, and you are exactly where you're meant to be. And thank you for being here with me. I love you all so much. I can't wait to see you in my next episode, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, evening, week, night, whatever it is. I'll see you next time. Bye.