First Gen Latina + Setting Boundaries with Family: How to Have Difficult Conversations (without feeling guilty!)

I’ve been called the B-word before— 

Boundary Queen, that is 😉. 

When it comes to setting boundaries with family, you don’t have to jump from being ‘the good daughter’ to sending them to ghost town!

I’m talking about how to navigate the tension without going silent, and how to handle the mental spiral that comes up after saying no. 

If you’re a first gen Latina who’s been carrying the pressure to always be the one holding it down for everyone no matter what it costs YOU, this episode is exactly what you’re missing. 

We’re getting into the real reason setting boundaries with family feels so dang hard—and why it brings up guilt, hesitation, and that quiet fear that you’re doing something wrong just for protecting your peace.

If you’ve ever searched how to have difficult conversations or wished someone would just tell you what to say when it gets uncomfortable… I got you!

This isn’t about being cold, cutting people off, or abandoning where you come from. It’s about learning how to honor both: your roots and yourself. 

Let’s talk about what it really means to draw the line, without crossing it into self-abandonment or cancelling everyone that doesn’t agree with the way you do things. 

In this episode I tell you exactly how to prep for and execute those tough conversations. 

With clarity, with peace, with pride, and with the relationship in tact.  

☎️If this hit a little too close to home… it’s time for a Strategy Call!

A 1:1 session with me where we untangle the guilt, drop the pressure, and figure out what you actually want, without burning it all down.

If you feel like you don't have it all figured out, you're in the perfect place to co-create your next move with me! Click here to book a call.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] 

How do you set boundaries without feeling like the bad guy? Because obviously as a Latina, you're raised to be the good girl. I know we hate to admit this, but a lot of us have family members whose opinions live rent free in our head, and the reality is they're the ones running your life, your mood, your success, your choices,

because you're doing so much to keep that dynamic going. Internally, your nervous system, your subconscious, everything is screaming at you that there needs to be a shift in that dynamic.

As a child, it was relatively easy to always be the good girl, the one that makes everyone proud, the one that's strong, the one that makes all the right choices. But as an adult, it is very hard and impossible to live up to that standard because now you have so many people in your life and layers of relationships that you have to juggle, especially if you're a mom, a wife, if you're in a relationship, you have your career, whatever your priorities are, you're juggling all of those expectations, and it is time to put that to a stop.

But what's different about us as Latinas compared to many other cultures is that

boundaries just [00:01:00] isn't a conversation. It's definitely not just one conversation. We have to retouch and revisit this many times. With the people we are setting boundaries with. But it not only feels rude, it literally feels like betrayal. And that's something that a lot of other cultures might not understand.

But when you are raised that family is everything that you do, anything for family, no questions asked. And now suddenly you're like, Hey, you can't come to my house unannounced. Because if you do, I might have to tell you to come back later. Like what? That is unheard of for our parents' generation and beyond.

It was absolutely expected for you to be completely inconvenienced and do it with a smile if family asked you to do something for them. 

Like being a marina in someone's skin so that they don't even invite you to, but you're family.

And then sometimes you have to build up mental stamina to be able to pull up to the carala because you know that the thes are gonna start pushing all those life milestones that they're oppressing you into at every family party.

So once you start trying to implement a new dynamic or at least [00:02:00] introduce it, then you start getting the comments of, this isn't how we raised you. That's an American thing.

You've changed or the martyr mother classic, what have I done wrong?

Accompanied with, you'll regret this when I die, but that's another story.

And when you start feeling like you're outgrowing people and feeling misunderstood, that's when what's called the success. Guilt starts creeping in.

Your intentions are never to make them feel less than you, but a lot of times their insecurities scream all the ways that you appear to be better than them. I'm gonna say that again. Your intention is never to make them feel less than you, but your success

screams to their insecurities that you are better than them. But that's not a you thing. That's a them thing. Even though it feels like you could be doing something different

to change their opinion about you and about your intentions and about your goals and your dreams. It's not about them. It's about you when it comes to the things you wanna do. Because a lot of times they think that we are doing these things against them. Well, you're moving to California because, you know, I [00:03:00] don't like the weather there.

Or you got a job as a nurse because you know that I worry about you working around so many sick people. , my decisions are not based on what you do and don't like, and that's where it gets a little bit difficult because you realize that you are at a different level and you feel bad for that in a way, even though you've worked hard for it.

And the reason it feels hard for you to be able to start setting these boundaries is. You were raised to be grateful not to be bold. You're raised to be helpful, not to be difficult, and you know, there's different degrees of that and different flavors of how that was communicated. But at the end of the day, it was understood that your position as a child was to stay out of the way, but yet always be available to help.

It was to do it with a smile. It was to honor your family. And then you saw that your mom didn't have boundaries. All she had was survival.

And now you're talking about things like peace boundaries. No. Oh, that's a bad word in our culture. and It seems like you are just trying to cause a scene, like you're just trying to cause a problem everywhere you go.

But just because something has always been that way. It doesn't mean that it always [00:04:00] has to be that way, especially if you have children, you know that you are called to be the change in your legacy.

So let's get practical here. I Want you to think of the person that you are most afraid to disappoint. I know that person popped into your head already, so ask yourself, how much of your decisions are shaped by their opinions, what you eat, what you wear, the music you listen to, where you go, the or where you don't do any of those things.

And when you can look into this analysis of your decisions of your life, what I call the zoomed out version of your life. You're gonna start seeing some trends, some you'll be okay with, others, you won't. And this is the opportunity, and this is where I invite you to be able to look at this holistically, look at this compassionately, look at this as an opportunity to be able to evolve.

And this is the place where I help my clients. They're coming to me because they've done the work. They've broken the cycles, they've gone to therapy. They have the degrees. They have the most beautiful [00:05:00] life on paper. They're not in victim mentality. They're not crying in bed all day saying, no one loves me.

The people in my world are thriving. We sit and we discuss what their next level looks like

and how we can get there in practical steps because everyone's life looks different. I can't give you an A, B, C copy paste plan. Everyone's life looks different. Someone who has three kids and everyone's in sports every single day is very different than the corporate girly in New York City who has a busy schedule.

Works overnight shifts

and only has one day off every two weeks. So we don't do a copy and paste thing when we work together at all.

Because the strategy call with me is not just another task. It's a turning point. It's a turning point. You are gonna have a before and after of our time together. Before we worked together, you thought this way, you lived this way, had these goals, and you also felt like you had these obstacles. And then after we work together, everything changes, but not in a way that you have to burn everything [00:06:00] down, make everyone uncomfortable, cut them off, and just make things awkward because that doesn't feel authentic to you either.

And I know that there has to be a balance that feels authentic to your personality, your communication style, your family dynamic. But the most important thing is that you are in the driver's seat.

So more information on that is in the show notes if that's something that interests you. But I wanna also get back to the practical of

how we actually execute this conversation. You don't start with a dramatic speech. I know girl, we build up this stuff on the drive there and, you know, days and weeks before and it's all that's on our mind 

and we have every word mapped out. We already predict their arguments and their what they're gonna say, so we can have a reaction to it. That's not the best approach. What you wanna start with is not the dramatic speech. You wanna start with clarity. So ask yourself, be very specific and listen. We're not gonna eat the whole elephant in one bite.

You gotta eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

So ask yourself, what is the most important line that keeps getting crossed? What's that one [00:07:00] thing that I just feel like I can't allow anymore and focus on that. then Ask yourself, what am I avoiding by staying quiet? Obviously the discomfort, the confrontation, the disappointment, the ripple effect that you fear of other people finding out that you are now this new person according to whoever you're talking to. and so many other things.

And then ask yourself, what would feel better? How could our dynamic feel better with this situation? Now I'm gonna be real clear. They don't have to agree with your perspective. If you wanna go out of state for a job for six months, and they say, absolutely not, I don't see the point of that, and you're still gonna do it.

They don't have to say, okay, well, I, I agree with you. No, that girl, come on. We're, we're talking about Latino families. That's not gonna happen necessarily, but you have to be okay with getting honest with yourself

and committing to you for once. Right? We don't commit to ourselves very much, especially if we have kids.

So that's the first part. Now, this is really important. Don't wait until you're angry. Don't [00:08:00] wait until you guys have an explosive confrontation, and then you try and patch it up with, well then don't call me anymore. Like, that's not gonna work. That's, that's probably what we, you could say out of anger, but it's not what you're looking to achieve long term.

Now I'm gonna take it back to elementary school and you can use things like the I statements, but I'm gonna take it even further. I try and keep conversations like this neutral, like if a third party was involved, okay.

Let's say that you have the expectation that your husband takes out the trash every night. Instead of feeling like you have to put the blame on yourself to him so he doesn't get uncomfortable and say, oh, I forgot to tell you to take out the trash.

Or instead of saying, you forgot to take out of the trash. My approach to it is, oh, the trash didn't get taken out last night. That is neutral ground. And that's what we want. We don't want extreme happiness. We don't want extreme anger. We want everything to keep our nervous system at a baseline standard where we're not gonna be on these up and downs, up and downs all day because that's terrible for your nervous [00:09:00] system, your emotions, the things you think about.

We want to keep these conversations as neutral as possible.

So instead of saying, every time I come to you for advice about motherhood, you always have a criticism. You could say something like,

it's really nice to have support when I'm going through really hard times in motherhood. And then you can get specific with the things that you need more support around.

Now this is the powerful part. Stay calm, keep it short. And remember, you are not debating, you are informing. Again, they don't have to agree with your boundaries. Your boundaries are there to keep you safe, not for them to agree with, but they do have to respect them. You're not debating. 

You are just informing. And when you have. That powerful perspective going into a conversation, everything about your energy shifts, you are not worried. You're not fighting before the fight in your head. You remember that you are in control and you are just informing them of what your change is gonna be.

And now this is hard because most of us like to talk a lot. Don't forget that silence [00:10:00] is a response on their end and on yours, let it be uncomfortable. Let them feel what they're gonna feel. Don't try and save them from what they need to feel to understand you. I'm gonna say that again. Come back to me.

If you're doing dishes, don't try to save them from what they need to feel to understand you, because until they get to that point where they feel that thing, they're just gonna keep. Brushing you off. They're just gonna say, oh, she's in a bad mood again. She's stressed out. She always comes to me with these things when she's all stressed out, she'll get over it by next week.

They need to feel the weight of the conversation in a way that they can realize that you are just informing them of what you are doing. You don't have to explain everything, and they probably will want to engage in that sort of, why. What are you doing? You are the one who can decide at that time.

But also go into it knowing that you are informing them. It doesn't mean they're not gonna push back. Let them, if they say you've changed, you have Yes. That's the point.

And it doesn't mean you're wrong, and it doesn't mean that they're wrong. Of course you've [00:11:00] changed. It means that they're not used to getting their way. It's like if you take a child, a lot of times these dynamics go back to a dynamic with a child. If you take them every morning to Dunking Donuts to get a donut and then you go to school and then on your way to school tomorrow,, you pass right by Dunking Donuts. They're like, what are you doing? And you're like, no, we're not going today. Why?

Then the meltdown starts because they have that pattern already set up in their mind. You get outta the house, go to Dunking Donuts, go to school, and it's the same with every relationship that we have established. we have patterns. That we have established our whole lives. Now you're coming to interrupt that pattern.

We are creatures of pattern in every area of our life. We are creatures of pattern because that's what keeps us safe and predictable to our nervous system, to our brain, , all of those things 

so when there is an area of your life where someone's coming to interrupt a pattern that you have established or that you are comfortable with, think of someone doing this in your life. You are gonna have some pushback. You're not just gonna sit there and say, okay, let me just interrupt my life and everything I'm used to in the [00:12:00] patterns and habits I've had for 30 years.

No, everyone's gonna have that resistance, especially because they are likely not in the emotional awareness state that you are. You have to understand that and remember that in this conversation,

most importantly, this isn't about canceling people. Um, we're obviously talking about a healthy, somewhat healthy dynamic where you just realize that this, this level of. Them intruding or whatever it is that's bothering you is not working for you anymore. I'm not talking about abuse, I'm not talking about anything extreme, and I'm sure that's clear with everything I've talked about, but.

This isn't about canceling people and cutting them off just to set your boundary or using that as an only means to set your boundary. If it has to get that, that extreme, then that's fine If you're okay with that. And that also doesn't have to be permanent. That could be temporary, but that's not the goal here.

I feel like sometimes that's just an escape. Sometimes that's just the easy way out. Not always like, let me be clear, sometimes that is the only route, but in a normal, [00:13:00] healthy dynamic where one person is kind of outgrowing the other and you want to save that relationship, you don't have to just cut them off

not every relationship needs to end, but it does need new rules and that's okay.

Maybe I'll make this a series because clearly I could talk about boundaries all day. I love talking about boundaries. No has been the most powerful word in my life. Like the last 10 years or so, no has changed my life. And that is a boundary. No is a boundary without an explanation.

So if this is something that's helpful for you, let me know. I have my contact information at the bottom of the show notes and tell me what you loved about this episode and we'll keep talking about it.

So let's wrap it up. You're allowed to outgrow the version of you that everyone is comfortable with because now you are uncomfortable with it, and that's the green light for you. To change something, you're allowed to say no, even if it makes other people uncomfortable.

You have to be okay with their discomfort and the guilt is gonna be loud at first. You might hear a lot of comments at first, but you know what's also gonna be loud is your freedom. You feeling empowered

and [00:14:00] that my friend is priceless.