How to set boundaries politely without feeling guilty! (Tips for first gen Latinas that are recovering people pleasers!) /Episode 10

If you’ve ever sat in your car after a family gathering or social event thinking, “Why do I always feel mentally drained after being around them?”—this one’s for you.

As a recovering people pleaser, I know firsthand how heavy it can feel to say no—especially when your identity has been shaped around being the one who always shows up, keeps the peace, and takes care of everyone else.

We’re not just talking theory. I’ll walk you through what to do when you feel mentally drained, when you’re outgrowing relationships or default roles, and how to stop feeling guilty about setting boundaries, even if no one else around you gets it yet.

This isn’t about becoming hard. It’s about becoming honest. So if you’re ready to make space for the version of you that never shrinks again to keep the peace… press play.

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☎️If this hit a little too close to home… it’s time for a Strategy Call!

A 1:1 session with me where we untangle the guilt, drop the pressure, and figure out what you actually want, without burning it all down.

If you feel like you don't have it all figured out, you're in the perfect place to co-create your next move with me!

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Transcript

[00:00:00] One of the things that is so hard for us as first gen Latinas, Latinas breaking generational cycles. And living in a way that feels authentic to us is that other people are gonna perceive us as mean, rude, hateful, bitter, crazy,

just for doing something like setting boundaries, standing firm in what we believe in. So let's talk about that awkward in-between space because you know you need boundaries. You wanna protect your peace, but the second you try and speak up or say no, you feel like you're being, oh, another one is dramatic.

You always get called dramatic or you're just being too much. Like why can't you just keep the peace?

So if you've ever read a text 500 times before sending it, screenshotted Taking a screenshot and send it to your bestie for approval first before setting a boundary. Then this is for you because today I'm gonna break down what it actually looks like to set boundaries while you're still healing from people pleasing, hello, recovering people, pleaser here that can easily default to those habits.

If I don't. First set boundaries with myself because awareness is one thing. Implementation is a whole different skillset. [00:01:00] So, if this sounds like something you need, you're gonna love this. So the first thing is boundaries aren't just about saying no.

They're also about saying yes to what matters. , Because as people pleasers, we have always been taught and observed that boundaries are restrictions. oh. Look at her. She said she's not coming to Christmas dinner because she's gonna go out with her girlfriends, and it's always this restriction lens that we see everything through, but I want you to change that mindset.

It's not restriction, it's intention. You are now being intentional about your time, about who gets to enjoy your presence, about who gets to receive your genius. And all the benefits that there are by just being around you. It's being more intentional.

And as I always tell you,

every no requires a yes, and every yes requires a no. And in this case, I want you to think of what am I saying yes to by saying no, I'm not gonna go to the family dinner this year. Using the example that I just gave with going out with your girlfriends. Instead, I'm [00:02:00] saying yes to new experiences.

I'm saying yes to no guilt. I'm saying yes to putting myself first.

I'm saying yes to enjoying my own money without having to spend and cook and do all these things that I don't wanna do. I'm saying yes to so many things by this simple, no, and I'm not telling you to spend time apart from your family. I'm not telling you to break every tradition. I'm telling you to apply this to whatever is relevant to you in that boundary that you know is long overdue.

And one thing I wanna gently remind you of is give yourself grace. In a lot of the patterns we have in our lives, it's because we saw our mothers do it. Our grandmothers, our great grandmothers, and this is part of what's embedded in our culture. But boundaries are not. You can't just say, I can stick to this because I saw my mom go through this and she did it gracefully.

She did it. With ease and so I know how to do it. No, there is no blueprint. Many times, many times what we saw in our families was complete cutoff of the relationship because there was a lack of communication skills because there was no [00:03:00] labels for the things we were thinking and feeling. So a lot of times the people around us ended the relationships with their parents, with their siblings.

Even with their kids because they didn't have the tools to set a simple boundary or a big one. and so when you're in this messy middle, sometimes, especially emotionally, it feels like, where do I look? Where do I turn? And you know, you're reading books and you're listening to this podcast, but I want you to remember to give yourself grace.

It's not a one and done thing, unfortunately, boundaries, you're gonna have to revisit them. Many times. That's okay. That's part of the process.

But just please give yourself grace. You are an imperfect human. You are still a powerful woman.

And I want you to tell yourself, boundaries are an act of alignment, not rebellion, because that's another title they throw around. Oh, look at her. She's so rebellious now. Now that she's out on her own, now that she got a promotion, now that she got a man, hello? Oh, so many things have to change once you're in a relationship, and that is really hard for the people around you [00:04:00] who are used to only benefiting from you as the version you were as a single person.

And sometimes it takes years for them to calibrate to that, and that's okay. Give them their time and their space. But when you are saying no to being the default person in your family of origin, you're saying yes to your own relationship. You're saying yes to new traditions for your family, you and your partner, you and your partner, and your kids.

Those are the things that you get to say yes to. When you establish boundaries in a healthy way

because you're not setting boundaries because you're cold, you're heartless, you've changed, you're different. Now that you've had all these life upgrades, you're setting boundaries because your peace, your time, and your energy are precious. They're things that you cannot get back, especially your time.

There are feelings that you wanna feel when you have certain life experiences. Maybe you want a destination wedding and your family wants some big lavish wedding because all the other family expects it. Think of the things that you are losing.

In your peace, your time, your [00:05:00] energy, because you're so out of alignment, because you can't set a boundary.

The second thing is expect to feel guilt. I can never guarantee because I have never experienced that. Guilt will never pop up. Of course it will. Guilt. We are raised off of guilt. Most of the things we did as kids, as teenagers, even your career choices, even the person you marry, even the amount of kids you have.

All of this is interwoven with guilt. If you don't set boundaries. And that's something I learned as someone who had no boundaries, as someone who was the single person who could just give of herself, because she's the one who doesn't have kids. She's the one who has a flexible career. She's the one who has a good head on her shoulders, so let's just dump it all on her and I have been there, and it's a miserable place to be because you are depleted.

Well, everyone else is living their best life.

And at first it feels good because you're needed, because you see a result from your efforts. You feel like you're appreciated until you have to set that boundary. So it's okay to have guilt in the passenger seat in the backseat. [00:06:00] We want it in the trunk, ideally of the car, but it's okay if it's in the car.

It just can't be in the driver's seat.

And I want you to know that guilt is a withdrawal symptom of always overgiving. And remember that a boundary is not hurting anyone. You're just not willing to abandon yourself anymore. Guilt is just a feeling that comes along sometimes. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It's not a stop sign.

Obviously, be honest with yourself.

And you can always work with me as a coach to help you through that. But guilt is not a sign that you are doing wrong

because the goal is for your freedom to one day be as loud as your guilt because you're allowed to move through it. With the right support, and this is how I help my clients because they come to me with all of these plans, with all of these dreams and visions, but they're just in that one place where they're distracting theirselves , trying to fill up their calendar more with kids' activities because it makes them feel like a better mom trying to remodel the house because they want their kids to have a house that they didn't have.

Trying to do all of these distractions because they are [00:07:00] so hesitant. To integrate the boundaries that they know are long overdue, and this is how I help you in a practical way that feels good to you. I'll never tell you to implement something that feels completely out of alignment. I will challenge you.

I will challenge your mindset. I will challenge your expectations, but I will always hold the mirror up to the clarity that lit you up and you felt passionate about once we start working together. And I'm gonna remind you that sometimes the road is bumpy and that's okay. I come along as your partner to help you through this journey because I've been there and there's times where I go back to not honoring my boundaries.

And let me tell you something, I always regretted always. And when I am done with whatever I'm doing, whatever I over-committed to that I didn't wanna be a part of. I always kick myself because I'm like, you knew this was gonna happen. You knew this was gonna happen, but I let the guilt, I let the other people's expectations get the best of me.

Now, this doesn't happen hardly at all anymore, but it does because I'm human and it does, because [00:08:00] I go back to my default because that's what my brain is always telling me is the safest option. Keep the peace. . Don't stir the pot.

Be respectful, whatever that means, because the concept of Latino respect is so they just throw everything in the disrespectful pot questions you have about life, questions you have about school, questions you have about their discipline and their perspective on how they should raise you.

You cannot question anything because it's disrespectful. So been there, done that.

But the third point is to set boundaries with structure. That's really what's gonna be your saving grace. Here is the structure. The first thing you need to do is decide you're non-negotiables, so you're not stuck in the moment over explaining, getting guilted into things that you don't wanna do. Or not doing things that you do wanna do?

What do you mean you wanna go eat Greek food tonight? We're all planning for tacos. Why are you the only one that wants a Greek? Come on. You have to be so complicated. You know, they can talk you out of doing things that you want to do because you are the minority. The majority wants one thing. You [00:09:00] want something else.

And you're so used to just putting your own needs on the back burner. And that all comes down to boundaries.

an example of a non-negotiable could be something like, I'm not reading any texts after seven o'clock, or I'm not available for any favors or last minute ideas on my day off period. I don't care who it is. Now, you can be flexible with this if it feels good to you, if it's not gonna be lingering in your head, like, oh crap.

Now I helped one sister with her kids' birthday party set up. Now my brother's gonna come three months down the line and want me to do the same for him. , Don't go in that spiral.

Let your own calendar, your own routines, hold some of those boundaries for you. Sorry, Sunday is my day to rest. Um, yeah, I can't do that because I, I've been planning all week that this is my Netflix and Chill Day and they're gonna look at you like you're crazy. Like what? You're really gonna sit there and do nothing when I need you.

And you know I need you. How dare you? But you know what? This is part of setting the boundaries and you're being polite about it. You're being kind. They can be offended if [00:10:00] they want, that's fine. You can't control that, and they will be, depending on how dramatic your Latino family is, they will be disappointed and offended and let you know all the other people that are offended.

That's okay. That's why you are the cycle breaker, and they are not because they get guilted into doing things that way and you don't anymore. You're not available for that anymore.

Remember that clarity is kindness.

One of the things that really bothers me about.

The Latino culture is that people love to give you the runaround. They think that they are doing you a favor by telling you yes. When they have no intention of doing something, and it's because they're like, oh, well they're gonna feel bad if I say no well, do you think they feel great that you said that they're, you're gonna go to their party and you don't show up?

It's that they can't confront that boundary of saying no when they're not gonna be able to do something. So clarity is kindness. Clarity is love. Clarity is polite.

And if this episode hit home and you're like, you know what? I have to be empowered in my boundaries. I have to set the [00:11:00] tone because nobody else will. I have to be the first domino and I'm willing to, and I want to. I just need someone to get me out of my head.

This is the work I do with my one-to-one clients. It is not just setting boundaries. We go over many things, .

Whatever the spiderweb is that is leading to lack of boundaries. That's something that we dissect in our one-to-one time, but also integrating these things in a way that feels powerful, that keeps you in control and it's sustainable because you would have no use of me telling you to do A, B, C, and you're like, okay, I can do that once, but then what if I get a text and, and they're so disappointed

or they're giving me the cold shoulder. I don't know how to handle that. Well, that's what I'm there for. That's what my long-term coaching is for.

So if you're ready for the version of you who no longer is gonna apologize for her clarity, then let's work together.

I always have limited spots available for clients because I like to go deep with my clients.

And if you wanna be one of them, then go ahead and book a sales call. The information is in the show notes,

and let's see what's truly in [00:12:00] your way and what it could look like to work together.

You've been doing the work, you're clear that you want more, more alignment, more space, more depth, and a life that really reflects who you are, not just who you've had to be.

So this call is a space for us to have a clear conversation about where you are, what you want next, and how my coaching can help you get there. This isn't a free coaching session, it's not a casual chit chat. It's an intentional space to explore what working together would look like, so you can move forward with clarity and with confidence.

So if you're ready to talk about moving forward, then get on my calendar. I hope to see you soon.