Success Secrets and Stories
To share management leadership concepts that actually work.
You are responsible for your development as a leader. Don't expect the boss to invest the training budget in your career. Consider this podcast as an investment of time in your career, with a bit of management humor added at the same time.
Success Secrets and Stories
The Hidden Cost Of Leadership: Loneliness
Ever felt the room get quieter the moment your title got louder? John and Greg unpacking the hidden epidemic of leadership loneliness—why it shows up, how it quietly shapes decisions and culture, and the practical moves that bring leaders back into real connection without sacrificing authority.
We start with the masks leaders are taught to wear: projecting certainty, playing it cool on camera, and carrying confidential decisions alone. From early supervision lessons to high-stakes executive calls, we trace how distance builds, especially in remote and hybrid settings where spontaneity disappears and “always on” performance replaces authentic presence. Along the way, we challenge the myth that vulnerability weakens leadership, showing how it creates psychological safety, trust, and better outcomes.
Then we get tactical. We break down strategic networking anchored in giving first, not collecting contacts. We explore how peer circles outside your org become true sounding boards, and why coaches and mentors are essential for senior leaders who need honest pushback, blind-spot checks, and resilience tools. You’ll hear how daily habits—informal check-ins, specific questions, and small stories—humanize authority and open space for others to lead. We also tackle the mental loop of rumination and share simple interventions to shift from isolation to action.
By the end, you’ll have a playbook to build stronger networks, model healthy vulnerability, and sustain your energy in roles where the stakes are high and the spotlight is bright. Leadership will always include moments of solitude, but it never has to become a solitary life.
Presented by John Wandolowski and Greg Powell
Well, hello, and welcome to our podcast, Success, Secrets, and Stories. I'm your host, John Wondolowski, and I'm here with my co-host and friend, Greg Powell. Greg? Hey everybody. And when we put together this podcast, we wanted to put out a helping hand and help that next generation and help answer the question of what does it mean to be a leader? Today we want to talk about a subject that I think supports that concept. So the hidden epidemic of leadership loneliness. Today's episode, we're going to dive into the challenge that is often hidden in plain sight, leadership loneliness. And it's something that many leaders experience but rarely talk about. Have you ever stepped into a leadership role and felt the room growing quiet? Even though you were surrounded by people, the moment when the responsibility is yours, but the companionship feels distant. Well, you're not alone. Leadership loneliness is a common problem, and it doesn't discriminate. It affects supervisors, seasoned executives, and everyone in between. Today we're going to explore why it happens, how it shapes the way leaders think and act, and most importantly, what can be done to build meaningful connections that strengthen both leadership and well-being. This isn't about easing the burden. It's about becoming effective, more effective, and a resilient leader.
SPEAKER_01:You know, John, that's right. What struck me recently is how often leaders admit to feeling isolated, even when they're surrounded by teams. It's not just about workloads, it's about the invisible walls that form when authority separates you from the people you lead.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. You know, I remember starting off as a supervisor and having a department manager explain to me that people who reported to me weren't the ones that I should socialize with after work. He warned me that friendships would complicate tough decisions, like holding people accountable or letting people go who weren't performing. And at the time I ignored his advice, but later I realized how much of the truth it carried. The transition between connecting the authority and how it shaped my career wasn't always what I had expected. Recent research points to several key factors. First, there's the intense pressure of a projected strength or confidence that you have to have all times. It's like wearing a mask all day. And I found that kind of separation in my assignment versus my personal feelings as an unnecessary facade that gave the illusion of leadership.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I remember my first assignment at Hallmark Cards when I moved from the warehouse area to sales, the need to act and interact with customers as if I understood all the nuances of selling the Hallmark product. The assumptions that an experienced salesperson would understand versus someone just promoted into the position without really any significant training was dependent on my personality and not the process. The comment of wearing a mask all day was clearly one of my biggest challenges.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. And leaders often feel that they can't show vulnerability or uncertainty, even when they're dealing with complex challenges. And as a salesman, you had to project that confidence and those recommendations for your customer to follow. They depended on your product knowledge for leadership on how Hallmark products should be displayed and when the higher selling options were available. You know what's interesting? That it kind of reminds me of how remote work has changed the workplace connections in terms of conveying leadership and the risks involved in terms of making decisions over a conference video call.
SPEAKER_01:You know, John, that's a great parallel. Research shows that hybrid and remote work environments have reduced those spontaneity opportunities, those interactions that keep and build relationships. So leaders are dealing with both traditional isolation and now these new what we call digital barriers.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And the other effect is that you're always on mentally. Whenever that camera's on, you're acting. So let's talk a little bit more about that, John. Well, it's the relentless pace of leadership that often leaves little time to build personal relationships, especially when you're talking about remote relationships. Leaderships, uh, I should say leaders are constantly making decisions that affect others. And I can imagine those decisions can be pretty heavy to carry on your own. As a leader, you often are in meetings that are confidential. I remember that being one of my biggest challenges. And maybe there's a reason for staff reductions or there's an effect in terms of a long-term business environment that are things that you can't share with other people. And you truly understand that the decisions that are being made, you hear comments and they keep on asking questions like, what the hell are they doing? And they're asking direct questions that are accurate. And you have to sit there and you have to act dumb because you can't share this information. You have to stand alone. And it's not really a team-building concept or opportunity. That's just you have to ignore the questions and keep on with the standard company line.
SPEAKER_01:No, absolutely, John. You know, one CEO recently shared, I knew being a CEO was lonely, but I never thought it was this lonely. Hence that phrase is lonely at the top.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's powerful. Exactly, my point. But here's what I'm wondering: does this isolation actually serve a purpose?
SPEAKER_01:So that's an interesting perspective to take. Some research suggests it can lead to deeper reflection and more careful decision making. But there must be a balance, right? Between thoughtful solitude and that harmful isolation.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, you know, that's where strategic networks come in. And let's talk about that. I think there's more to that story. How does effective networking look like for leaders?
SPEAKER_01:Recent studies show it's not about collecting business cards or even LinkedIn connections. No surprise there. It's about what Harvard calls proactive reciprocity exchange, offering help without expecting immediate returns. Being a friend means much more than casual socializing. It's about intentionally fostering trust, support, and genuine connections that benefits both parties. Now, that might sound counterintuitive for busy leaders, but the data shows it works. Leaders who focus on giving rather than receiving build stronger, more influential networks. John, you probably have an example you can share with us.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Say there's a tech entrepreneur who is struggling with networking until he has a challenge in terms of his approach. Instead of simply going and trying to find people in a network, attending an event with a focus, a specific focus, where this individual could participate in forums where he could contribute and connect with potential investors. And in six months, he secures the funding needed. And more importantly, he's built lasting relationships in the process. So, John, can you give us a little bit more on that? Well, the one that comes to mind whenever I was thinking about this was Mark Zuckerberg. And he started off Facebook at Harvard, and he was leveraging his immediate network friends and classmates. And as his concept grew and his connections grew, he reached out to figures like Peter Thiegel, a venture capitalist and co-founder of PayPal, Sean Parker, co-founder of Napster, and the first president of Facebook, oddly enough. And then Reed Hoffman, co-founder of LinkedIn. These kind of connections provided the kind of funding, but also more importantly, the strategic advice and introductions that he needed to help scale up Facebook. Interesting example, John.
SPEAKER_01:But you know, his friends and classmates had a slightly different view of the relationship of friendship when their input created a multi-million dollar internet business.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. You're right. And it's probably a bad example, but it does highlight the fine line between friendship and being in someone's social network. So let's talk about vulnerability as a leader. Isn't that the bottom line risk?
SPEAKER_01:It helps create what researchers call leader-member conversation, basically, more authentic and effective communication.
SPEAKER_00:And that impacts isolation significantly. It is key too in terms of trust. And if you're working within the work environment and you don't trust the people that you're working with, it's hard to do the tasks. And it's also a pretty lonely environment. You're only contributing to that isolation. Unfortunately, I have had the occasion where I've been asked the simple question: do I trust the person that I am giving the task to or not? If the answer is no, your choices are either to train the individual and give them an opportunity to succeed or fire them. I believe addressing the issue of vulnerability and risk only contributes to loneliness because no one likes to fire an employee.
SPEAKER_01:So, John, let's get practical here. What are some concrete steps leaders can take to address the issues of being isolated?
SPEAKER_00:Well, first, establish a peer network outside your organization. This gives you a safe space for you to share challenges without the pressure of hierarchy or performance matrix, which we all love, performance matrix. And when you're connecting with your peers, you realize you're making conversations about your struggles that you've you've faced and shared, and recognize that other people are fighting that same challenge. And you see a little bit of yourself in terms of that weight of loneliness that other people have shared. You know, that makes a whole lot of sense, John. What else can you add? The one that I got from some CEOs that I've met is the power of a coach or a mentor. For upper management, it isn't just career advice, it's about having a trusted partner who helps you process unique pressures of leadership. Senior leaders often carry the weight of decisions that affect hundreds, if not thousands, of people. And that responsibility can feel isolating. A coach provides a confidential space to explore those pressures, while a mentor delivers lived experiences and perspective.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And the benefits go beyond problem solving. Coaches help leaders recognize blind spots, you know, those patterns of thinking or behavior that can kind of limit growth. There's our word again, psychologically, it's about breaking out of the echo chamber. When you're at the top, fewer people challenge your ideas. In fact, the coach or mentor can safely push back, helping you refine your judgment mission.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. And there's another layer: the emotional regulation, handling the pressure. Leaders often suppress stress to appear strong, but that can lead to burnout. Coaches teach strategies of resilience, how to reframe setbacks, how to stay grounded in values rather than just outcomes. That kind of support strengthens not only the leader, but the leader's well-being, their ability to inspire and have confidence in others.
SPEAKER_01:So there's also the relational benefit. Mentors often open doors to new networks, but more importantly, they model how to build authentic relationships. So for upper management, this is critical. When leaders demonstrate vulnerability in the right context, like admitting they didn't have all the answers, it creates psychological safety for their teams. That safety fosters innovation and trust.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and let's not forget the long-term impact. Coaching and mentoring helps leaders transition from being operational managers to becoming legacy builders. They shift the focus to how do I solve the problem, to how do I empower others to solve the problems of tomorrow and those challenges. In essence, you're creating sustainable leadership.
SPEAKER_01:So the takeaway is clear. Professional coaching and mentoring aren't luxuries for upper management, but they're essential tools. They provide clarity, resilience, and connection, which are the andotes to isolations.
SPEAKER_00:And what about the day-to-day? How does a leader build better connections with their teams?
SPEAKER_01:So, start off with regular and formal interactions, because they're key. Even if you have a remote work setting, create opportunities for casual conversation, whether it's a quick check-in, a shared story, or even a lighthearted moment, all that does is help humanize leadership. The psychology here is important. When people feel seen and heard in even small ways, they're more likely to trust and engage in bigger ways.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And it's finding that sweet spot between accessibility and authority. You mentioned something earlier about self-perpetuating patterns. Can you elaborate?
SPEAKER_01:Yes. Loneliness often triggers rumination. So psychologists describe rumination as a trap. The more you dwell, the more isolated you feel, and the more your energy drains itself. That cycle can reduce your ability to engage with others, which then deepens the loneliness. So breaking that cycle requires intentional action, stepping us outside of the loop by shifting focus, practicing mindfulness, or even reaching out to someone even when it feels uncomfortable. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:So it's like realizing that feeling lonely doesn't mean that you're falling or failing as a leader. It just means that you're human. So it's a challenge to not deny loneliness, but to respond to it with curiosity and courage.
SPEAKER_01:So, John, as you say it, that sounds very powerful. Any final thoughts on breaking free from leadership isolation?
SPEAKER_00:Well, you know, I it's interesting to hear CEOs talking about how lonely it is. And it's not just a theory. That loneliness is, I guess, a choice, and isolation is a choice to stay lonely. Leaders can only acknowledge loneliness while actively building connections. That means stretch yourself to so that you're not dealing with the loneliness. Attend community events, volunteering, or even doing something as simple as a game night. These activities expose you to new people and perspectives. And yes, there is a risk, and it might feel awkward, or you'll even face criticism. But the reward the reward should be growth and belonging and an improvement on your resilience.
SPEAKER_01:You know, John, that's a great way to frame it. And remember, seeking connection is not a sign of weakness. Actually, it's a strategy for stronger leadership. So let's bring this around full circle. We've talked about the hidden epidemic of leadership loneliness, the masks leaders wear, the weight of confidential decisions, the trap of rumination, and the fine line between vulnerability and authority.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and we've explored practical steps, building peer networks, engaging mentors or coaches, creating informal connections with teams and stretching beyond the isolation through community involvement. Each of these actions, they're intended to break a cycle, choose connection over withdrawal.
SPEAKER_01:You know what strikes me is how every one of these strategies requires intention. Loneliness doesn't disappear on its own. Leaders simply have to actively step into relationships, even if it feels a little bit risky.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And all of that, I think, is really powerful if you understand how much people take this to heart, how CEOs are human. And sometimes we describe them as something outside of the ordinary, um, supreme backgrounds. And when you really find out they're just as human as the rest of us. The bottom line is leaders have to build trust and they have to reduce isolation. When they allow themselves to be vulnerable, they strengthen their authority. When they invest in networks, they gain the opportunity in order to find another voice and find that connection, but they also improve on their resilience.
SPEAKER_01:So the summary is pretty simple. Leadership will always carry moments of solitude, but it doesn't have to be a solitary journey. The antidote to loneliness is connection. Being authentic, being reciprocal, and being courageous.
SPEAKER_00:And that really is it. I mean, you can put a star on it. Ask yourself, where can I stretch? Where can I risk? Where can I grow? Those are all opportunities for keeping your health in terms of leadership. It depends on your relationships and your trust and just your ability to nurture those relationships.
SPEAKER_01:Well said, John. You know, leadership isn't about standing apart, it's about standing connected. Build your network before you even need it. And remember, seeking connections is not a weakness, it's a demonstration of wisdom.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So hopefully someone who has found loneliness or isolation in their position, they they have some options from this discussion. And we're trying to encourage you to stretch yourself, to trust, and to experience a real effort not to isolate yourself, but to reach out, stretch out. So if you like what you've heard, I've written a book called Building Your Leadership Toolbox, and we talk about tools like this. And it's available on Amazon and Barnes and Nouble and other sites. The podcast is what you've been listening to. Thank you so much. It's also available on Apple, Google, and Spotify. A lot of what we talk about is from Dr. Durst in his MBR program. If you'd like to know more about Dr. Durst, you can find out on SuccessGrowthAcademy.com. And if you'd like to contact us, please send me a line. That's Wando75 periodjw at gmail.com. And the music has been brought to you by my grandson. So we want to hear from you. Drop me a line. Tell me what's going on, what you like, and what you would like to hear about. It has always helped us to create content. Thanks, Greg. This was fun. Thanks, John.
SPEAKER_01:As always. Next time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.