The Flynn Skidmore Podcast

How to Know If You Really Love Someone, If You’re Settling, & Navigating Conflict in Your Relationship with Emily & Flynn

February 14, 2024 Flynn Skidmore Episode 30
How to Know If You Really Love Someone, If You’re Settling, & Navigating Conflict in Your Relationship with Emily & Flynn
The Flynn Skidmore Podcast
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The Flynn Skidmore Podcast
How to Know If You Really Love Someone, If You’re Settling, & Navigating Conflict in Your Relationship with Emily & Flynn
Feb 14, 2024 Episode 30
Flynn Skidmore

In this episode, my guest is my business partner and girlfriend, Emily Sudlow and this might be the most important relationship podcast you’ve ever heard.

Emily and I explore how to know if you are settling in a relationship, see others’ traits as scarce resources, the honeymoon phase, and finding validation from relationships.

We also discuss how to know if you really love someone, how to know if you love your life, becoming exactly who you want to be, how a relationship can accelerate finding your unconscious wounds, pushing yourself to be the best version of yourself, navigating conflict in a relationship, how often couples fight in a relationship, and how conflict can turn into a container for growth.

This conversation offers a deep dive in discovering if you are settling in a relationship, how to become the highest version of yourself, using conflict for growth and understanding what it means to know if you are actually in love or if you are just comfortable.

Connect with Flynn:

Connect with Emily:

Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.

Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, my guest is my business partner and girlfriend, Emily Sudlow and this might be the most important relationship podcast you’ve ever heard.

Emily and I explore how to know if you are settling in a relationship, see others’ traits as scarce resources, the honeymoon phase, and finding validation from relationships.

We also discuss how to know if you really love someone, how to know if you love your life, becoming exactly who you want to be, how a relationship can accelerate finding your unconscious wounds, pushing yourself to be the best version of yourself, navigating conflict in a relationship, how often couples fight in a relationship, and how conflict can turn into a container for growth.

This conversation offers a deep dive in discovering if you are settling in a relationship, how to become the highest version of yourself, using conflict for growth and understanding what it means to know if you are actually in love or if you are just comfortable.

Connect with Flynn:

Connect with Emily:

Submit your written reviews to THIS form to be entered into a giveaway to win a 30 min session with me! We'll pull 1 winner at the end of the month.

[00:00:00] Flynn: Hello and welcome to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. My goal is to help you become exactly who you want to be. We are here to help you take your biggest, boldest, most beautiful vision for life And turn that vision into reality. Welcome back to the Flynn Skidmore podcast. Today, we have the one and only business extraordinaire, creative genius, my girlfriend, Emily Sudlow.

[00:00:33] And on today's episode, we are speaking about how to know if you are settling, how to know if you really love someone and how to use conflict as a way of identifying and transforming your. Deepest unconscious wounds in order to become exactly who you want to be. We have so much fun on this episode. I can't wait for you to listen.

[00:00:55] Emily: So how do you know? If you're settling in a relationship, Flynn [00:01:00] Skidmore.

[00:01:01] Flynn: Okay. So based on my experience in my own life and what I've seen in other people, a lot of people, including me at certain points are investing in a relationship because on some level they know that it's a distraction from becoming who they really want to be.

[00:01:21] I think. Sometimes people, they recognize like a trait or two or three in the other person, and they think that those traits are scarce and that they need them from this other person. And what they end up doing is rather than stepping into the unknown of truly living a life where they're becoming who they want to be, they're like clinging onto these handful of traits, but the clinging itself requires them to not be who they want to

[00:01:54] Emily: be.

[00:01:55] I feel like it happens so much, especially early on in dating, like [00:02:00] you're going on dates, you're starting conversations, you're getting to know one another. And then you're starting to identify, Oh, they have this trait. Okay. Check the box. Oh, they're ambitious. Check this box. And all of a sudden you have three or five characteristics that one, make it really easy to distract from your current reality and kind of invest all your energy into, is this the potential that's going to turn in to my person and to.

[00:02:25] Oftentimes, especially in my own experience, I found myself telling a story to myself like, Oh, if they're this, then that is a scarce thing. They must be the right

[00:02:34] Flynn: fit. Then if they have this, it must mean that they're the right fit. Yeah. Like drawing

[00:02:38] Emily: meaning to something. I feel like we've spoken about this a lot, especially with people, like even needing closure and relationships and dating is almost creating unnecessary meaning based on just.

[00:02:49] The information in

[00:02:50] Flynn: front of you. And I think okay I have an idea about where that comes from. But when you have done that, first off, when you've done that throughout your life before, [00:03:00] what are the three to five traits generally that you're like, Oh my God, I need this thing. I had

[00:03:05] Emily: a list and it was, in hindsight, it was everything I wasn't yet.

[00:03:10] So it's so ironic to look at that and be like the things I wanted in a partner, whether it was like the amount of money they were making, which again, that would provide me more security. Oh, they were an entrepreneur. I hadn't yet quit my corporate job. It was like literally everything I wanted to become.

[00:03:25] And then I was like, why don't I just find a man version of that? That's how my brain was working. You,

[00:03:29] Flynn: okay. So you had these traits of who you wanted to be and what you valued, what you wanted to become. And then what you did was like, oh, why don't I just. Find a man who is those things, who has those things.

[00:03:40] Were you hoping that what were you hoping that was going to do for you? If you got a man who was all of those things what were you thinking was going to happen? I

[00:03:48] Emily: guess I just thought it was like, Oh, like I won. That's like success. Perfect. I got everything I wanted, which is also so funny and came up so often for me.

[00:03:58] before I met you and in [00:04:00] dating in general with the question, like, how do you know if you're settling? Because I would find the characteristics. They're actually not that scarce. It's the other things that you're looking for. Like the thread in between the characteristics. Exactly. Because on the list is something for a lot of people like good communication.

[00:04:16] Great. Check that box, but is good communication. Actually really equal emotional intimacy. Are you able to have conflict, have conversations go deep or is it like, Oh, good communication, so it's like the list is almost this like giant yellow flag of like you. I think you should be writing everything down and like looking for it.

[00:04:37] And then it's throwing you off your

[00:04:38] Flynn: game. Yeah. Okay. Okay. This is really interesting. Cause when I hear that like good communication, but what if they're a good communicator, but what they're communicating is not that interesting, like what if it doesn't light you on fire, but you're like, but they're,

[00:04:54] Emily: and that I think is an issue is.

[00:04:55] Especially I'm sure I can speak only to obviously women dating men, but [00:05:00] there is a thing where some men aren't good communicators. You find one good banter and all of a sudden you're like, great, like we'll just talk about soccer. How does the

[00:05:08] Flynn: bad communication show up?

[00:05:10] Emily: It's like me, like really leading the charge.

[00:05:13] Like I'm like job interviewing and like a. funny lighthearted way. Like I'm becoming a comedian. I'm becoming like a jokester. I'm like doing all of the things. You're doing everything. So entertain. And it's like, why are we trying so hard to

[00:05:25] Flynn: entertain? Oh, that's really interesting. Yeah.

[00:05:27] So then dating or like dating some dude or going on dates ends up becoming like a performance. Yeah. It's like you have to entertain.

[00:05:35] Emily: And I feel like so many people too, it's especially with good communication and even finding a match is you're so afraid of those like awkward, silent pauses that if all the other boxes are checked and there's no awkwardness, you're like, perfect.

[00:05:48] It's great. And then six to eight months, whenever you're dating, you're comfortable, the honeymoon phase is wearing off is when you're like. Wait, am I settling? Is this what I actually want?

[00:05:59] Flynn: Yeah. [00:06:00] Okay. That makes a lot of sense. Let me, this may not be just wanting to dive

[00:06:03] Emily: into my psyche.

[00:06:03] Flynn: Oh my God. I just want to know.

[00:06:06] Like

[00:06:06] Emily: me at 22, you like need a scrapbook to pull up.

[00:06:11] Flynn: I hear people speak about that all the time. Like an awkward pause or an awkward moment in dating is an indication of something off. Do you think that's true? Not

[00:06:21] Emily: necessarily. I think dates have a lot of pressure. I think people come not even with baggage, but a lot of like preconceived notions of comparing someone to their past, their last relationship, like wanting to put their best foot forward, wanting to be the best, most confident version of themself, that they're almost putting so much pressure or I was at least putting so much pressure on myself internally to perform at a level that's desirable and then it's awkward pauses are bound to happen, though I will say, on our first series of dates, I don't think we had any. Me and you. But you you'll just keep talking. Obviously a therapist should be a good listener, but it would be the point where I, it would never become [00:07:00] enough of a pause because Flynn would have a next question or a next remark.

[00:07:04] Some other red flag. He was, like, low key waving. He's let me tell you about this. I was waving

[00:07:08] Flynn: another red flag for you to see. I know. I was ready. I was ready to let you know everything that you were walking into. I don't think that, I don't think that comes, like for me from a fear of silence.

[00:07:23] Like I don't ever remember being afraid on our dates. I think by the time you and I started dating, cause what you're speaking about is this tendency that I think a lot of people struggle, like the whole world struggles with. Which is you said the words like present yourself as a desirable thing, like present yourself in the way that you think you're supposed to present yourself.

[00:07:45] And the model that I ended up really understanding and learning before you and I started dating was like, okay, yes, I do that in all sorts of ways. Presenting myself as a certain persona. Like I'm desirable as this. But [00:08:00] let's say I actually do that. Let's say I present myself as smart, like emotional, intelligent guy, who's got trauma.

[00:08:07] Emily: I hate that it has to come with an accent. Like it can't just be like

[00:08:11] Flynn: normal delivery. It has to be that voice, like on all those. things. If I successfully present as all those things, what does that do for me? That gets like the validation of you. That gets if I know that I have the validation of you, are you desiring me?

[00:08:27] The, what does that do for me? Oh, that allows me to relax. So what I'm trying to do is present a particular persona in order to be able to relax rather than just go into the experience of the relationship. Like choosing to be relaxed. And so when we're having a con, like I, it's so funny to look back and see who I was when we started dating and you and I both know that he was

[00:08:54] Emily: amazing.

[00:08:55] We've both evolved so much, but honestly, as you're Saying that I got so excited. I was like putting [00:09:00] my finger up to say something and Flynn slapped it away 'cause he was on a roll. I couldn't

[00:09:03] Flynn: focus that was on a roll and I didn't even make the point I wanted to make. We need to

[00:09:06] Emily: be on like a video version.

[00:09:08] Yeah. . And then like people could see we're doing like hand gestures likes each other. The

[00:09:11] Flynn: middle

[00:09:11] Emily: finger. Yeah. Though it's I feel like it's a TikTok where there's like a little toddler and she like doubled middle fingers. . Yeah. That's you. If I like say something too good, that's me. Yes. No, but as you're saying that, I'm wondering.

[00:09:23] If there's a correlation and even if this showed up early on for us of putting your best foot forward performing a little bit and the honeymoon phase, because this honeymoon phase happens in relationships. And I think back to our main question of how to know if you're settling, you often don't have those thoughts until that time in your relationship has passed because I feel like.

[00:09:43] Early on, like two, three, four months, no one's having that thought of am I settling? Like you're still really in this like honeymoon, fresh, like falling in love, like really figuring out yourself and your partner and how you fit together. But also knowing that's the time where you're the most on it more than likely, like [00:10:00] you're putting together a little bit of performance.

[00:10:02] And I wonder if that's like when the honeymoon phase ends, if that starts to retreat a little

[00:10:08] Flynn: bit. When you say all that. One of the things that, that makes me think about is I, you and I might've had a honeymoon phase that lasted the first weekend. And then after that, we like got to business.

[00:10:22] Like it was, but I think that's important to emphasize because. For so long like for such a long time, I've been craving this level of partnership, this level of like eye to eye. We're a team. We're about to take on the world and do whatever we want to do and create everything we want to create.

[00:10:41] I've been craving that and I, I did, people ask that thing do you have to heal before you show up to a, do you have to heal before you show up to a relationship? Do you need time and space in between relationships? Which you and I both know I haven't had that

[00:10:59] Emily: much. It's so [00:11:00] surprising.

[00:11:00] Cause I feel like the stigma of men and women in relationships is like the man is detached, wandering lone wolf. Flynn loves relationships. Yeah. He is stacking them. He was like, ready high school,

[00:11:11] Flynn: college, and then because I've known for a long time that creating what I want to create in this world Requires partnership, like a team.

[00:11:21] I've it's been so clear to me. I've known that this thing that I want to do doesn't exist without someone else wanting it just as badly as I do and not just wanting it, but also having the skills to do it and being willing to develop the skills to do it. And so it's the first week and you and I met, we had the honeymoon energy where we stayed up to 1am, which hasn't, which has happened, twice since then, like I, I feel like immediately I was able to recognize this is a person who knows who she wants to be and who she wants to be is [00:12:00] so beautifully harmonious with exactly who I want to be. And I'm seeing that not only does she desire to be this certain person, her record shows and how she speaks and how she.

[00:12:11] Sees things and the way that she asked me questions, like she's letting me know that she also has the skill to become who she wants to be. It's not just a vision. It's also the evidence to back, like you are that person. So as soon as I recognized that it was like, yes, this is it. And it. And it, for me, cause I know you had your list and I know on that list included like entrepreneur guy, like who I'm sure, you were hoping it was making a lot more money than I was making when we met, but tattoos, entrepreneur, like ex professional athlete who sat the bench and for me, I actually didn't have.

[00:12:52] That specific list, what I was looking for was like a, this is corny, but like a soul who I know could create [00:13:00] at an immensely high level. And as soon as I saw that in you, it was like, yep, let's go.

[00:13:05] Emily: It, while you're saying that, it makes me think too, with this like amount of time, someone needs to take in a relationship to heal, to find closure, to find themselves.

[00:13:14] But I also think like that amount of time can obviously differ and does depend on each person. It also doesn't matter. I think if you are exactly who you want to be and you're in a situation and you either walk away from the situation because it isn't aligning with you and the next day you meet someone who is.

[00:13:31] in pursuit of what you want to pursue, I think there's no shame in pursuing that. I agree a hundred percent. If you're like full sending your life unapologetically, know who you are, what you want, and what you won't stand

[00:13:45] Flynn: for. It goes back to that thing. That I think we were talking about with the settling question, like only you can know the truth of whether you are becoming exactly who you want to [00:14:00] be, like blossoming into the flower you want to become, or if you are.

[00:14:05] Avoiding that if you're afraid of that and actually what you're doing, the job you have, the relationship you're in, the thing you're doing is actually you hiding away from becoming who you want to be. And I really like what, like that to me is the. Thing that matters. So a lot of people, I know that a lot of people have a lot of rules about how to be in a relationship and how much time you need and how much space you need.

[00:14:30] But I just don't think I like to live a life where there are no rules. The thing that matters is the truth of, are you becoming who you want to be and having the experience that you want to have or not, and. That's it.

[00:14:43] Emily: And that really to plays into that question that I feel like you get a lot, whether it's like on your Instagram stories or from clients or from people of like, how to know if you really love someone what is that like special?

[00:14:55] And maybe people are looking for a list. And I've certainly have been in past experiences, like [00:15:00] almost like looking for validation Oh, this is love. This isn't settling. And in all of those cases where I was. It's almost like externally seeking it. I'm more than likely wasn't the internal version of myself that I felt the most proud of.

[00:15:17] Flynn: I think when I think about, I'm glad that we get to speak about this on the podcast because it's hard to make short form content about this. You're like

[00:15:25] Emily: limited to 300 characters and like

[00:15:27] Flynn: sweating. So difficult for me. So Okay. When people talk about self love or loving another person, I actually don't find those frameworks all that useful.

[00:15:39] I very rarely think about self love. I very, I say, I love you and I am deeply in love with you and I love you so much, but what I think more about is. Am I experiencing love? Do I love my life? Is, how much love do I want to experience? And if we're able to somehow quantify [00:16:00] that, like how much love do I want?

[00:16:02] If I say, if I were to say, I only want. Five out of 10 love, zest, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, then that's fine. Like then I can do that if I want. I'm a person who wants 1 million out of 10 love, joy, satisfaction, kindness, warmth, all that. So the question for me is am I experiencing as much love as I want or are there areas in my life where it seems like actually I'm on, I'm operating as the unconscious wounded version of myself who's afraid of becoming who I need to in order to amplify my experience of love.

[00:16:37] So for me. When I'm asking, like, how do I know I love Emily? I fucking love my life and my life includes, it doesn't exist without the level of co creation that you and I have. And like part of what I love about my life is seeing how, is seeing you filled up and happy and empowered and being, becoming [00:17:00] exactly who you want to be.

[00:17:01] And that includes like. Because that's part of my experience of love, like when I prepare your espresso in the morning, because I always wake up an hour and a half before you. He is

[00:17:14] Emily: so fibbing. Flynn's in Flynn's dream world, he wakes up at 4. 30 every day, and I stay locked away sleeping so he can have four hours of uninterrupted time, but the truth is he wakes up like 12 minutes before me.

[00:17:28] And then will. Still make me coffee, which is the best thing in the world. And so is our espresso machine. Like we're obsessed. It's like ready

[00:17:34] Flynn: for you as soon as you get out of bed. And I am like acting as if I've worked out and showered already. I just

[00:17:39] Emily: heard you like brush your teeth. I'm like, okay.

[00:17:44] No, but it's like what Flynn is saying is so true of the I love my life so much. And I, when I'm thinking about that too, it's I see you in every equation where I'm seeing my life in that way. And I can imagine too, there's a bit of challenge. If those needs and our [00:18:00] relationship wasn't being met in that way, and if I was starting to visualize my life without you, I think that's an area where you can like have time to evaluate and reflect and be like, is this person.

[00:18:11] Like necessary in my life, in my equation of my like perfect, incredible universe. Or is there something better out there? I think even just having that like train of questioning of thinking about it can leave you wanting more answers and. Probably left more confused than

[00:18:29] Flynn: not. What do you think, like to, just to emphasize what I'm saying here, just, I, maybe it's already clear, but just to make it super clear, what I'm saying about, how do you know you love a person is the better question, the clearer question is, do you love your life?

[00:18:46] Do I love my life? And when I'm thinking about loving my life, I'm seeing it as if you drop a pebble in a still lake and you see the ripples, the waves, like I want those waves to be fucking huge, and I want them to [00:19:00] touch every edge of the universe. I just want that level of like amplification and pulsation like whomp.

[00:19:06] That's the experience I want to have and even if I speak about that, I can feel that in my body. Every single thing that I do I'm asking, filtering through the lens is this helping me increase the power of this amplification or is this diminishing the power of this amplification, which back we'll touch on conflict in a second, but that's what I was talking about last night.

[00:19:29] Like any fear reduces the momentum. Of that amplification of the experience you want to have in any fear is always an opportunity to transform it. So when I'm thinking of do I love my life is the experience of helping you become who you want to be. Like, is that part of this experience of amplifying love?

[00:19:52] And it's so clearly is, and I know who you want to be. I know exactly who you want to be. And if you change it. That's [00:20:00] okay. But I know who you want to be. And the process of helping you become who you want to be, making it a little bit easier is so clearly part of this experience of amplifying love and touching every corner of the universe with it.

[00:20:13] I think that's how you answer the question, do I actually love this person is through that lens. I

[00:20:20] Emily: love that. And I so agree. And also I think it's so interesting and dives into our next point of navigating conflict. And even with, and if your ocean of ripples is a perfect vibration and you love your life, there are going to be moments of conflict, of resentment coming up, of navigating things that aren't ideal.

[00:20:43] And I think there's a distinction of you can still absolutely love your life and love the person you're with and also handle conflict beautifully. And you're still in that harmonious alignment. There doesn't need to be a distinction of Oh, like this fight or this is like. I don't love my life right now.

[00:20:59] [00:21:00] Even if that moment isn't aligned, I think the bigger picture and the story is that

[00:21:04] Flynn: it is. I really like that. So let's go if that wave thing is working. So you can picture the 360 degrees of waves moving out from you. And let's say, and again, You don't have to want your waves to be love and joy and life.

[00:21:19] If you want your waves can be anger and death. If that's who you want to be in the choice you want to make. I prefer love and contributing to life. So those are the waves that I want to create. And I want those waves to be smooth and coherent and super organized. And if you think about sound dynamics, what that means is it's like a really in tune note that's just playing so beautifully and effortlessly.

[00:21:44] Okay. In the process of creating those smooth waves, like I'm not creating a perfect smooth wave right now. And I won't ever be in my lifetime because I have all of this unconscious fear and wounding like we all do. And that's partly from my experience of my [00:22:00] own life. That's partly in utero. And my mom I don't I don't know anything traumatic that happened, but if she almost got hit by a taxi and had to jump off and it's generational, it's from 200, 000 years ago, we.

[00:22:10] All have fear in our psyche and the process of a beautiful relationship to me. If I want to make those way, if I want to dedicate my life to making those waves that come out bigger, more beautiful and smoother I have to find my unconscious wounds. I have to find my fear. And so that I can relate to the fear in a new way and transform it so that it gets massaged out and it's part of the smoothness.

[00:22:38] Does that make sense? Completely.

[00:22:39] Emily: And I think one of the most beautiful parts of finding that person and being in that relationship is it often accelerates the process of uncovering those unconscious wounds. That's what I'm saying. Like things will come up where we'll be like in a conflict or having a disagreement or talking about something.

[00:22:57] And I've realized, Oh, a part of me that [00:23:00] On my own would never have been activated would never have come up to the services now, like front and center in my internal experience. It's so fascinating because when you're in that harmonious relationship, it also can get messy, especially after the honeymoon phase, because those things.

[00:23:17] Come up

[00:23:18] Flynn: it's the, so in the process of you becoming who you want to be. So Emily Sudlow at 53 years old, absolute cougar, just looking so good. I love the visual, amazing skin. Like in the car as I go play tennis with the boys our children, like that you becoming that version of you, you can't be her unless you find the fear that is afraid of becoming her.

[00:23:52] You know what I'm saying? And if you were to stay in a relationship where it's like, Oh yeah, three to five boxes, but I'm not becoming who I want to [00:24:00] be. You'd never get to find that fear when you and I are in this relationship where it's like, Oh my God, it's so good and fun and harmonious.

[00:24:10] And it's so clear that we're co creating this thing that we both want. It's the thing that allows. For the deepest fears to surface. And then the question is, do you have strong enough? What really the question is, are you, do you both want it bad enough? Do you both want to become who you both want to be bad enough in order for you to be motivated, to recognize that the fears that come up is the exact.

[00:24:36] thing that you need in order to become who you want to become. You know what I'm saying? So it's yes, you the, it's like you and I are choosing to be with a person where it's guaranteed that the fears that we need to come up will come up and we're with a person where it's like safe and actually.

[00:24:55] Fun to transform and to solve those fears. Because

[00:24:58] Emily: Completely. And there's [00:25:00] almost this like back and forth, I feel like in a relationship or in our relationship where it's it's safe enough to come out and then also uncomfortable. So you almost have to push yourself, push your partner.

[00:25:09] If you are like getting that good communication, am I settling question, like also, is this person pushing you to be a version of yourself that you're also pushing yourself to be, because I think it is. Not the ideal narrative. If you're just relying on your partner and I've been guilty of this, of making it their responsibility to make you better you should be the one pushing me like you did last night.

[00:25:29] Yeah, absolutely. No Flynn. And I love, it's so funny because we'll always have these almost like micro conflicts. Like we were Googling, we were trying to figure out, we're like, how much should we fight a month? Like not also, if we weren't meeting the metric, not as starting one for a little.

[00:25:46] I'm like, you would make a comment on something. And I forget what we were even like, what even came up, but the whole point.

[00:25:53] Flynn: The average, like the range. Yeah. Was it one to two? It's one to [00:26:00] two per it's like one to four fights per week. But, and what's interesting is like what you've said in your past relationships, you haven't had that many conflicts, which is fascinating.

[00:26:11] And also

[00:26:11] Emily: because it's lack there in this. Pushing yourself to this highest pursuit of both people, because I think oftentimes, like maybe there is one partner where they are on a pedestal or pushing themselves in a way. And it almost relieves you of the responsibility for yourself to be like, Oh, I also need to do that.

[00:26:28] But there's this level of like dual accountability, which I love so much in ourselves and in our conflict of something that works really well for Flynn and I is. In a disagreement or with when we have conflict, I feel like it generally passes pretty quickly. And because of his 20, 30 minutes, I love also because he's a therapist.

[00:26:49] So I don't think he'd let it like ever simmer. If I ever wanted to leave the house or leave it unresolved, like Flynn would chase me down. He would get his. Socks and his flip flops and run [00:27:00] down the block. What would I

[00:27:00] Flynn: be saying? What would be the

[00:27:02] Emily: first sentence I I'm picturing it like a Western movie.

[00:27:04] Like somehow, like you're in chaps and have some sort of lasso. Like that just

[00:27:09] Flynn: works better. And I would accuse you of running away from your discomfort. Yeah. Yeah. But

[00:27:14] Emily: like with a twang, because Flynn also loves an accent. No, but we were like really trying to figure out like, Oh, cause we were like, Oh, I think we have like maybe one or two fights a month, which is like.

[00:27:24] No, it's

[00:27:24] Flynn: probably it's probably like 0. 75 a week, something like

[00:27:27] Emily: that. It's probably, but what I was going to say is that they are like now almost micro because we've created this container of after a conflict is like wrapping up and we're in that, like that home stretch of you're starting to be like excited with each other again, versus wanting to pummel each other down to the ground is like having us both have that dual accountability of okay.

[00:27:48] This is where I messed up. This is where you were correct. This is what I want from you and being able to have that discourse of okay, I have to agree to what I don't agree with. And then by the end of that, I'm like, you were so [00:28:00] right that you said that like completely. And also when you did this.

[00:28:03] That was so helpful when you did this, that wasn't helpful. And it's almost expedited our conflict resolution over time because we're able to get to what's actually happening much quicker than honestly, like even a year ago, like if we would have a fight, it would take much longer to figure out what was actually happening.

[00:28:20] Flynn: If so if we're having conflict, I think generally what's happening is that there's. There's something in there in the conflict where both you and I are not being who we want to be. And the conflict is generally because of it generally it's, it generally exists because as a result of some kind of unconscious wound that exists.

[00:28:46] So the conflict is the opportunity for both of us to see what is the unconscious wound here that is making the waves a little more chaotic. And I won't be able to smooth the waves out unless [00:29:00] I see this on unconscious wound, unless it comes to the surface. If you, if we were to get in an argument about something and the solution would to be like, okay, we're just not going to talk about this then, which is my least favorite thing in the world.

[00:29:12] That means that we're not taking this as an opportunity to meet the part of ourselves who's wounded. Or. And I'm going to the next step in the process of self awareness. And I'm talking about the next awareness. And your time. Which we do really well. The solution is not just okay, here's the compromise or it's Oh no, here's how we're both being called to be more of who we actually want to be.

[00:29:51] And here's the plan to do that. And when we're both doing that, and here are the ways that we're going to support each other in the process that not only smooths [00:30:00] both of our waves out. It creates an external solution that works really well. And so conflict almost becomes exciting and nourishing when you know that there's an amazing outcome, external and internal outcome on the other side of the conflict.

[00:30:16] What's really

[00:30:17] Emily: cool. And I think. I would say it was like maybe a week and a half, two weeks ago, we really experienced this. I would say a lot of our conflict and fights like happen around like bigger vision things, just because we live together, we work together and we're constantly pushing one another to this pursuit of this higher self and life that we're both after.

[00:30:35] And it was the conflict became legitimately an accelerated container of momentum. Like we were able to hash something out. And then later that day had a confirmation on something that like we were seeking. For like weeks and months, like it really does increase like emotional intimacy connection, that acceleration of what you both want.

[00:30:56] But also if conflict does become something where this [00:31:00] over time, the words and the actions aren't matching, and then you're not fully getting to the resolution. Let's say for example, Flynn wasn't emptying the dishwasher and over time, he kept saying that he wanted to be the cleanest, most tidy person, but then was like neglecting a common.

[00:31:17] thing he could take action with. So

[00:31:19] Flynn: I'm not being, you're invested in me being the person I say I want to be and I'm not. And I'm saying it, I've agreed to it. That's who I want to be. And then my actions indicate that I'm, there's a way in which that I'm not aligning with who I

[00:31:32] Emily: want to be. Completely. And then honestly, the right thing in that moment of conflict is, Flynn being able to take full accountability.

[00:31:39] And then also there's probably, if I was to approach something with like resentment or anger, then there's also a responsibility for that person to address it because I think there's also with conflict, this kind of pursuit of blame, the person that's done something wrong. And also I think [00:32:00] as the partner and as the person that probably knows them closest, you also know when you're aggravating it and to also take responsibility for you know what? There's a way to approach something and there's a way to approach something and know it's going to push a button. But once you have that dual level of accountability, those things happen. And instantly we're both able to see Oh, I was doing this. I meant to do this. I wanted to do this.

[00:32:21] Here's

[00:32:21] Flynn: how to fix it. So what's so cool about that to me, this is the model that we've. been working on recently, which is the external to internal. So the external result that we want to create, like we both love the aesthetics of a very clean, tidy place. We love that. And we were like super clean and we both know that.

[00:32:42] Like that experience creates, you and I are very much like home people, home energy, like earth energy. It creates this experience of immense groundedness and calm and peace.

[00:32:54] Emily: We need to look into it because I'm a Virgo and Flynn's a Taurus. So we're like the ultimate

[00:32:59] Flynn: [00:33:00] earth, home,

[00:33:01] Emily: sign, energy, earth,

[00:33:03] Flynn: doing that accent.

[00:33:04] All right, the external result of the, or the external thing of the cleanliness is paired with this internal experience of deep peace and groundedness. Now, a lot of people, like one of the things that I think spirituality gets wrong is you should be unconditionally grounded and peaceful. And I see a lot of people trying to.

[00:33:23] Force themselves to feel a particular way without changing anything in their environment. Both exists at the same time. And so you're, if what you want is peace and common groundedness, you are responsible for creating an external environment that is with that energy and makes it easy to access that energy.

[00:33:42] If I say I want to be dishwash clean, dishwash empty guy, which by the way, I'm not, I'm dishwash load guy, take trash out guy. Emily is

[00:33:51] Emily: amazing. I will say we have the household chores and like an amazing rotation and he definitely pulls his way in that

[00:33:58] Flynn: department. And that's the [00:34:00] love thing. It's I don't have to go to that, but thank you for acknowledging that. So there was the external result, the external thing and the internal result is peace. Now, what I love about what you brought up is if you and I are both clear on yes, the external thing, but what really matters is who we want to be internally in relationship to this external thing, the clean, tidy house.

[00:34:24] What we want is peace and common groundedness. You. Are more likely to get the result that you want if you approach me with peace, calm, and groundedness in the conversation about me not putting the dishes away, if that's the thing that's happening, right? That's what I love that you said that because in order for you to produce the result you want, you have to be the result that you want as you approach the conflict, which means that you're responsible for finding All of the parts within you who want to be like, I don't know who want to blame me or whatever, form a [00:35:00] relationship with them so that you can actually approach me with the energy that matches the external result that you want.

[00:35:06] And what

[00:35:06] Emily: I love about that and what Flynn and I figured out, I would say early on is the whole. Everyone knows about the love languages, right? Like acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation to be that internal external model and have the inside match the outside. You're also more than likely every love language, like for our relationship to be operating at like optimal capacity, like acts of service.

[00:35:31] I'm. Emptying the dishwasher. I'm affirming Flynn when he does something that I like and what feels good that he did without being asked I'm doing we're spending quality time together. Not you chuckling away

[00:35:43] Flynn: because it's so funny that it's true relationships still the like You need like

[00:35:49] Emily: toddler encouragement.

[00:35:51] Like Flynn would operate amazing with like game structure, like timers. We don't need to do that, but you would like wish that we could. Yeah. Yeah. [00:36:00] Like not when the toddlers have responsibilities, you're like wanting

[00:36:03] Flynn: to participate. My name is going on the chore chart too. I want that.

[00:36:06] Emily: You're putting a gold star up there.

[00:36:09] But it really does it matters. Internal to external flow of things. Like even with something of making the bed, like if I was waking up piercing high cortisol and then leaving the bed unmade, like how can I like blame you then for doing something without it? Like you need to be able to take that level of

[00:36:28] Flynn: responsibility.

[00:36:29] Yes, if you're saying I want love and I want. Peace? I am being love and I am being peace. Like in all the things that I do, I'm holding myself responsible for creating the energy that I want so that I can show up to this relationship and actually have earned the right to have an opinion on what you do or don't do.

[00:36:49] I

[00:36:49] Emily: love that. And I feel like that's not talked about enough of this almost like. Earning a place in a relationship. And I feel like that sounds much harsher than it actually is, but like really both earning [00:37:00] your place to be 50, 50, and obviously a hundred things. Evan flow. Flynn loves the model of nothing ever equals a hundred percent.

[00:37:06] It's equaling a trillion. My favorite thing is the other night I like went to maybe I was like put on a movie or something and it was like. Open to YouTube and Flynn is like researching quantum mechanics and it's like a 73 year old, like lecture. My favorite. He's like wanting to throw in mathematical equations into this.

[00:37:26] Somehow you're like, Oh, like actually it's a hundred percent. And let me tell you that theory.

[00:37:29] Flynn: Okay. What that was learning about the conventional idea of gravity is that it doesn't have a speed. If you picture a hammock. Ham. The hammock represents space, time, and the bull. A bowling ball in the center of the hammock would be the planet, and so things just roll to towards the bowling ball.

[00:37:46] There's some new evidence that suggests that gravity actually has a speed and that it travels millions of times faster than the speed of light, which we think is the fastest. thing in the universe, but if gravity travels [00:38:00] millions of times faster than the speed of light, it means that gravity can get from one end of the universe to the other in just about one second.

[00:38:07] And the idea is that gravity as the pulling force, the way that we're conceiving of it is that it is the. Force of love. And so there are theoretical physicists who are speaking about gravity as this pulling force that can travel across the entire universe in less than a second. That is the force of love.

[00:38:25] And then there's this, all this stuff where like, when you're increasing your capacity to love and those waves all around you, you're increasing your gravitational force, which touches every corner of the universe. So that is what I was researching. And that'll

[00:38:37] Emily: be next week's episode. And I will not be a part of it.

[00:38:39] Flynn: Not everyone just turning it

[00:38:41] Emily: off. Now everyone's no one wants it. Like people want the Flynn solo, but then when they see the title is like gravitational force, they're like, they know to skip it. They're like, oh, okay. They want like girl chat gossip, like they want the team. But even that supports the, you've put in this, throughout your, all of your twenties, you've put into [00:39:00] this.

[00:39:00] It's an immense amount of effort into learning and studying and learning these theories and frameworks that would not make our business what it is today. So even in the example of more of a professional business setting, you have earned your spot and now we get to create this thing. I've earned my ability to do what I do in our jobs and our business together through past experiences.

[00:39:20] And now we're able to take that energy and grow it into something so beautiful. You

[00:39:25] Flynn: and I are really not people who speak a lot of, I never speak about what I deserve. I don't like that model a lot. And you may have said that you may have done like a little bit of hot girl. I deserve affirmations before we met, but I don't ever hear you.

[00:39:39] Emily: No, I definitely was like, I deserve, I remember too. I feel like Flynn, like sometimes he'll bring up something like so lovingly and it's like a beautiful dissertation on why I should change my model. And then. Sometimes he's like super arrogant. He's deserve. And I remember you like trying to tell me about deserve.

[00:39:55] And I was like, okay, you sound like an asshole. So I was like, slow [00:40:00] your roll there, but it is correct. And I

[00:40:03] Flynn: agree with you. Why? The reason I don't like the deserve thing is because it, it operates with this energy. There's a referee who determines what people get, what things and what people get, but what you're talking about, which I think is the most powerful, most empowered, most creative thing to do is saying, this is what I want.

[00:40:24] What does it take to earn it? And that does fuck a lot of people up because then it can bring up things like the parts in them who are like am I not enough as I am? And it's a really interesting thing because like for me, for the things that I want to achieve in life, like I'm not enough yet for it.

[00:40:39] If I were currently enough, if I were currently a match, then I would have achieved it already. It's just what it is. So the question is like. Who do I, what, who do I become in the process of earning the thing? And interestingly, who that is generally a person who has even more capacity to love, even more capacity for [00:41:00] presence and stillness.

[00:41:01] It's not. And a

[00:41:01] Emily: person that has experienced more capacity and. Greater amount of discomfort and fear and all of those things coming to the surface, being able to tackle them and address them and pursue them in a relationship and then put yourself on that path. I

[00:41:15] Flynn: really liked that take. One of the things that I wanted to touch on with the conflict thing and like, how do you know if this is the right relationship?

[00:41:25] In real, in, in past relationships for me, Like conflict never was resolved and I was spending so much energy. Oh my God, dude. And, but what, honestly, what I was doing was I was so terrified that I would never be who I wanted to be. So I was doing that scarcity thing like, Oh, they have these two or three traits.

[00:41:48] I need those traits because I'm not going to be able to create them on my own or be a person who, for whom those traits are abundant, I'm not going to be able to attract them. So I better latch [00:42:00] onto this here. And in the process of latching onto this, I have to fragment myself and be this different version of myself.

[00:42:06] That's not really who I want to be, who like, I'm not able to transform these unconscious wounds. I'm living. As these unconscious wounds, you know what I'm saying? And forcing the other person to change because if they change, then I get to change. And that whole kind of thing, conflict never felt resolved because the thing that actually wasn't resolved was that I wasn't committing to being who I want to be.

[00:42:27] That's the thing. So I would think it was about the other person. I was like, Oh, I'm going to I'm going to leave. And I'm going to become a fly fisherman in Montana. Like I thought that was the solution, which actually is sick. And I want to do that, but it was never resolved because I hadn't yet fully taken the leap to becoming who I wanted to be.

[00:42:48] And I wasn't using conflict with this other person as a way of actually becoming more of who I want to be. It was, I was using the conflict as a way of avoiding becoming who I wanted to be. And I'm [00:43:00] not saying that in a blame way. I just. I didn't know how to do it at the time. No, I think

[00:43:05] Emily: that's so accurate because even as you're speaking and you're saying they had these two to three traits that I was latching onto, it makes me curious and wonder then I feel like there was probably two to three of your traits that were center stage in that relationship and hundreds more that were neglected that you weren't able to prioritize and bring to light because that was the relationship dynamic.

[00:43:25] That's

[00:43:25] Flynn: a, that's the fragmented thing that I'm talking about. It's You can only be this version of yourself, but somehow trying to be these other things, it's like it's like a threat to the relationship or the relationship just can't contain the wholeness of you. And it's not the, it's not the person's fault.

[00:43:43] It's just not the right

[00:43:45] Emily: match. It's just not the full version of you. Yes. 'cause the full version of you would never accept Yes. The quality of that conflict. Yes, the resolution, any of it, the full

[00:43:54] Flynn: version of you would never. Tolerate not being the full version of you. But the crazy part [00:44:00] about that, like I'm not the full version of me.

[00:44:02] You're not the full version of you will never will be, but there's a difference between knowing that you're becoming it and knowing that you're avoiding it

[00:44:11] Emily: completely. The pursuit of it is what changes everything. And I would say the active pursuit, because there's a version in which you can do all of the mental things on the checklist, like morning, journaling, drink water, but there becomes a point where the things that used to be uncomfortable become habitual. And then there's an opportunity to up level. And even we've recently been like, okay, maybe we should implement a meditation practice at night. So then we can go to bed like this and just creating new habits and new challenges in your life to create that

[00:44:39] Flynn: version of yourself.

[00:44:40] Yes. Yes. Because we're noticing a pattern of watching TV at night and staying up later than we would like and waking up a little later than we would like. And that's just

[00:44:47] Emily: like we said, Flynn is like a four 30 or so, like his dream is like a four 30 wake up every day,

[00:44:52] Flynn: every single day. But we're not being that we're being like six, six 37 energy.

[00:44:58] And it's not good or bad. It's just [00:45:00] not the part of the vision. It's just not the beautiful

[00:45:02] Emily: art piece. Shaming that, it's like getting amazing quality sleep, waking up, feeling so refreshed and then being like, Oh, wait, there's also an opportunity to wake up at five. Let's try that. Let's do that and commit to it.

[00:45:14] That's

[00:45:14] Flynn: the art piece that we want to create. That's the thing we want to bring into this world. So yes, there's useful, valuable information in there. Yes. The banter is funny. Yes. The energy is good. But the thing that I think really matters, what I really want to convey to you is. How good it feels in our relationship for us both to get to just be our full 100 percent selves.

[00:45:40] That's how we are together, and that's because both of us make the choice every single day to be ourselves. And to not tolerate not being ourselves. That's the core energy that allows this relationship to work. And Emily, I'm so grateful for you being a person who decides to do that [00:46:00] every single day, because every single day you help me do that even more.

[00:46:03] Thank you all so much for listening. Emily, I love you. I love you all who's listening.