Find Your Lady Tribe

Beyond Playdates ~ Finding Friends and Building Your Lady Tribe

• Brenda Billings Ridgley • Season 3 • Episode 3

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Embark on a transformative journey with me, Brenda Ridgely, as we unveil the secrets to cultivating adult friendships that add depth and joy to life. Remember how simple it was to make friends on the playground? As adults, our busy lives often push meaningful connections to the back burner, but it's time to change that narrative. This conversation will empower you with a roadmap for intentionally forging friendships that not only survive but thrive in the complexities of modern adulthood. We'll bust myths, tackle the realities of time constraints, and emphasize the irreplaceable value of quality connections over quantity.

Unlock the doors to 'confidant' level relationships with practical habits that can be seamlessly integrated into your daily life. From the importance of authenticity in our interactions to the art of active listening, we're redefining what it means to build a tribe. As a certified life coach, I'll guide you through the nuances of evolving social personas and how to create your very own empowering friendship circle. And as my gift to you, grab your free copy of "Lady and the Tribe" to start crafting the supportive network we all deserve. Here's to transforming our approach to friendships and enriching our lives one meaningful conversation at a time.

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da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, das�, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, la da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. Alright, I'm honored to be here with you today for some girl time, a chat about finding and building friendships. As an adult, girl time is a luxury that we don't have a lot anymore as an adult, right? So, ladies, give me a shout out in the comments if you find it harder now to meet prospective friends as an adult. Where do you go? What do you say? Why does it seem so awkward and uncomfortable? Well, that's what we're here to talk about today, and before we get started, let me just tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Brenda Ridgely. I am the author of Lady of the Tribe how to Create Empowering Friendship Circles. I am host of the Find your Lady Tribe podcast, the founder of the Whole you Retreat and a certified life coach with a master's degree in human resources development, and I just love helping women reconnect to their passions, purpose and, most importantly, their people. So let's get to it.

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Remember your high school and childhood age, let's say, when friendships just seemed to happen naturally, with no effort on your part. Well, when we were kids, our parents just dropped us into places for sometimes hours at a time. We didn't know where we were going and how long we were going to be there, and we just had to get out there and friend up or who knows what would happen. So that's what we did. But without even realizing it, our parents were setting us up for friendship success by creating opportunities for the first and possibly most important ingredient in the friendship formula time.

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Unfortunately, once we start adulting, we are no longer dropped into these friendship breeding grounds. Right, we have to make it a point for ourselves to go out and connect with new people. What's even worse is that, statistically speaking, once we find a partner and begin to raise a family or really get going in our career, we begin to lose touch with existing friendships. You know, our routines and our interest change, and sometimes we even move for employment opportunities, right? Our friendships become a victim of our busy life and we neglect to give them the mandatory first ingredient, which is our precious time. So do we really need new friends? As an adult, yes, let me ask you this Do you sometimes feel a bit empty, even though you seemingly have a full and busy life?

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Do you ever feel like something is missing and you just can't put a finger on it? What could it be? Do you ever wonder what is preventing you from becoming the best whole version of yourself? Well, ladies, I suggest that the missing link involves our lack of meaningful connection to other human beings. You may be thinking oh no, brenda, that's not me. I have hundreds, if not thousands, of social media friends and I am literally surrounded by people 24-7. Well, that may be true, but sadly, our platonic friendships have become mostly superficial, considering only our best life, and we don't dare get vulnerable. So it's not the quantity but rather the quality of these friendships that are in question. We want to build relationships with people who don't need something from us. Let that sink in for a minute. You know nurturing a few close platonic friendships who know us and know our lives the good, the bad and the ugly. It builds our confidence and sense of belonging. So how do we find new friends, since social distancing is now a virtual option for everything? How do you connect with new women who could become future tribe members? What existing friendships do you have already that you'd like to nurture and detribe, and what specific habits can you establish to deepen connections with your current friends? The answer is simple it starts with intention and it ends with action. We must be intentional about connecting to others as an adult, because it just may not happen naturally. That's what we're here to talk about, ladies not just filling a void, but how to get the support and connection that it really takes to reconnect and live your best whole life. Are you ready? So let's dive in.

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Over the decades of adulting, many women have put their own personal friendships on the back burner, and this was in no way intentional, you know, really just a casualty of our busy life. However, this neglect has left us surrounded by people who love us but also frequently need something from us. Can you relate Can I get an amen to that in the comments, please With very few people in our lives who love us, just because you know. Our girlfriends choose us not for what we can do for them, but because of who we are. They understand our busy lives because they have them too, and our friendships are easily neglected, unfortunately, because they demand nothing of us. The only ties that bind a friendship are those that we choose to tie. So it's time to give friendship a seat at the table again. But what might be stopping us now? Well, there are several friendship myths out there, and I'm going to bust a big one today, and it is the myth that friendship should happen organically. Nope, there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't. It doesn't just happen. Friendship requires action. It's a verb, you know, and it has three main ingredients it is time, attention and enthusiasm. And beyond that, it is my belief that every one of us should have two to five besties, friendships that we consider our tribe.

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As I did research for my book, I discovered there were situations that may hold people back from really connecting beyond the superficial, and I created what I call the spectrum of authenticity for friendship, and it describes how we may be showing up in different situations, and I'm going to describe each of these as if they are an individual person she, her. However, at different times we may be feeling any one of these personas, and so please comment if you can relate to any or all of the personalities that I'm about to share in this spectrum. So first we have a diffident. The diffident is socially unsure, you know, shy. She really wants to connect, but she's just not sure how to start. She feels isolated, outside of the group or just kind of independent. You may feel like a diffident in new social situations Maybe it's a new networking group, a new business venture, whatever you show up and it's just awkward at first, right when you don't know anybody. And it feels even worse if everybody else seems to know each other and you don't. Let me know if you're a diffident out there. I certainly have been at times and I still am. Sometimes that introverted side comes out right All right.

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The second one is jaded. Have you ever felt like a friend betrayed your trust? You told them something in confidence and somehow it got out? The jaded person has had a bad experience sharing, been there, done that, got hurt, not going back. You know, man, I think we've all been there and it hurts, it's hard and it's okay to feel those feelings. But we can't reside there, ladies, we've got to move through it, all right.

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The next group on the scale is called the Friendlies, and I made this word up when I was writing my book. The Friendlies are surface level connections that are unlikely to really ever go deeper. You know it's a friendship of convenience or circumstance. When the convenience ends, so does the friendship. Unfortunately, most of the time this might be people that you work with, that you have great relationships with, but when you go other, different ways, you don't keep up with each other, right? Or I like to refer back to my middle school mom days and gosh, oh my gosh, for years I was kind of running around with the same group of women because we were in the playground and pick up together and we were on the bleachers together and we socialized and even traveled together, and it was, they were lovely, we had a great time. But when the kids went their separate ways, we just didn't have the structure to keep that relationship going. We were basically a circumstance-based friend, so those didn't happen anymore. So can you think of anyone in your life that's like that? Or in the past? Yeah, all right.

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So the next thing that's happening in the spectrum is called the social, and the social is just wonderful. She's out there sharing all of this positive stuff, encouraging quotes and positive memes, and sharing all of the good stuff that's happening in her life, and she's always out there trying to help out and willing to help, but she's never going to ask for help. She doesn't want anyone to see the reality or the muck in her life and sometimes because of it she kind of feels like an imposter because she's, I don't know, keeping up with the Joneses, whatever you want to call it, and just her real life. That's out there. I think we all have suffered from imposter syndrome, sometimes being the social and the social has a great spot in our life and I encourage only post-positive. I mean, you know to an extent, but anyway, can you relate to that, to the social?

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The last on the spectrum is called the confidant, and this is kind of our goal, ladies, with our tribe. The confidant feels comfortable sharing any and all flaws, brags, insecurities, even failures, love. They'll say I love you. She can communicate deeply with an authentic connection because she feels seen and known, because she knows who she is, where she fits in, who her people are right and she's able to support others as well because of her solid foundation of tribe. And we're not going to live here at the confidant level with everybody in the world no way. This is reserved for our family and two to five of our besties. Okay, so who's ready to start moving some of their friendships up to the confidant level? Hey, lady, just wanted to take a moment and interrupt right now in the middle of the show, to ask you to subscribe. Yes, press that button right now. This show is all about you, the midlife woman. Let's do this thing together, so join us. Subscribe now. All right.

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So now that we can recognize why we're disconnected and how we may be showing up in different circumstances, how do we deepen friendships and build our tribe of support? Like I said before, building deep friendships starts with intention and ends with action. We must be intentional about connecting with others, because it may not happen organically, and that probably won't. So here are seven examples of friend finding habits you may consider building into your regular routine, all right. So number one is get out of the house. You are not going to meet anyone new binge watching Netflix, although I know it's a comfy place at the end of the day, get out of the house. Number two challenge yourself to put that phone away. Oh my goodness, when you are focused on your phone, waiting in lines or walking around even oh my gosh, that's dangerous, by the way, but you miss a lot of connection opportunities. The universe and your routine likely has you crossing paths with some of the same people every day, some amazing people, and they want you to connect. If you say hello or chat for a few minutes, this is a great start to friendship, all right.

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Number three sign up for a class or join a club Spanish Zumba, art, cooking, baking, hiking, bird watching, wine tasting what are you interested in here? You're going to meet others who have the same interests, so you need to commit to attending at least three gatherings. In these situations, once you've made a few contacts, or even just recognized people, keep showing up and invite someone to something outside of the class. Take them to another location, like lunch or breakfast or whatever, coffee. You already have something in common with these folks, so making friends will be easier, right? Let friendship be the result of doing something you enjoy.

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Number four open a conversation with a stranger. Ah, really, it's not as hard as it sounds, though. Really Use the insight and question method. This conversation starter involves commenting on current events and then asking a question about their opinion. All right, research has shown that expressing our opinion activates brain regions that are associated with pleasure and reward. Your question will likely be received with gratitude for the opportunity to share. You know there aren't very many great listeners out there. Steer clear of hot, divisive topics, though. You are inviting conversation, not a debate.

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Number five volunteer for a good cause and meet people. Yay, build a house for the homeless, serve a meal to the hungry, clean up a park to beautify the neighborhood. You're going to meet some great people out there who also care about the community. So strike up a conversation with someone. Reconnect each time you volunteer and invite them out to coffee or lunch. Do you see a theme here?

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Number six be a good listener. Ladies, you have one mouth, two ears. Practice using them accordingly. Don't dominate the conversation. If you want more friends, ask people about themselves and then listen sincerely when they answer. You know and listen not to respond, but to understand. You know what I mean. We're always thinking about. Oh my gosh, that pops up with an idea and I should share this. Just listen, just receive A good listener is so hard to find these days and it's the best direct route ticket to friendship that you could possibly have. All right.

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Number seven, last one tap into your friends of friends network. This is one I love taking inventory of who you know and then who they know. It might be someone you've seen around but you have yet to be introduced. Exploring adjacent friends gives you a head start in the connection process because you already have a friend in common. So here are some tips you want to really look for those opportunities to meet up more than once, right, recurring, so that you're going to see people over and over again? All right. You want to use open body language? Right, that makes you more approachable.

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And then, in the beginning, what you do is just as important as what you say, maybe even more so. Stand tall, squarely, face the person in front of you, maintain eye contact and gesture and let them know that you are actually listening. It's just so important Just be present and with them. Avoid crossing your arms, checking that phone, put that thing away or even standing off by yourself. These are all like signals that you are not open to connect. And the last one smile. You are beautiful and you're even more beautiful when you smile. It makes you more attractive and more inviting to others.

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So once you're out there investing your time and engaging new potential friends, what's next? Well, when you find someone who is interesting and you think you might like to build a friendship, all you have to do is add the next two ingredients in the friendship formula Friendship equals time plus attention plus enthusiasm, giving potential friendships. Your enthusiastic attention starts building on a relationship's history. Right? One of our greatest needs in life as human beings is to be seen and heard and understood. We all need positive reinforcement, right? These shared experiences create a sense of belonging, which is foundational to the community of tribe that we desire. So there are lots of tools and resources that I like to share on this to help women make connections, build depth and create their own support system.

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But since our time together today is limited, I'm going to wrap up in a minute with my very favorite friendship tip. But now I have a gift for you Ding ding, ding ding. I'm going to give each and every one of you access to a complete, free, downloadable copy of my book Lady and the Tribe how to Create Empowering Friendship Circles. It is about the woman and her journey through the roles in her life, how often those roles consume her identity, and she is, in effect, letting herself go along the way. I share my story in this book and those of other women that I interviewed, and share a blueprint for rebuilding, reconnecting and building deep, meaningful connections. So I'm going to drop a link in the comments after I get off here. But if you're anxious, go to wwwrendarigelycom free book and get your copy right now. So I encourage you, get that copy. All right, okay, our time is almost up.

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So, as promised, my favorite friendship tip is when you get out and you meet someone new that you think you might like to know better. Instead of trying to figure out how to be interesting. You know what to do, what to say, what you know, what stories to tell. No, decide to be interested. This is so much easier, so much less stressful. All you have to do say hello, introduce yourself and ask them to share something about themselves and sit back and smile and listen, and really listen. Oh my gosh, ladies, this is the ultimate fast track to friendship and almost a guaranteed success. All right, so do it. So, with that, I thank you for spending this time with me today and remember, you were built to belong and you already have everything inside you that you need to build your very own tribe of support. And when three or more gather, we are tribe.

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Brenda Billings Ridgley

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