I Left The Marriage And Found Myself

Divorce can look “finished” on paper while your nervous system is still living in the fallout. We sit down with Nicki Laberge, a self-worth and freedom facilitator for women after divorce, to tell the part of the story most people skip: the identity loss that can take place in a marriage, the grief that arrives after the logistics are done, and the quiet stigma that makes women feel like they have to apologize for choosing a healthier life.

Nicki walks us through her midlife reinvention, from realizing she’d abandoned key parts of herself to making peace with a future that no longer exists. We talk about co-parenting realities, why society still ties women’s value to relationship status, and how “I’m sorry” can carry judgment. She also shares what changed when she stopped treating being single as something to fix and started treating it as a deliberate choice, complete with boundaries around dating, living arrangements, and finances.

One of the most powerful threads is healing through reconnection. Nicki’s solo travel reignited her confidence, and returning to horses became a deeply therapeutic way to process emotion and grief. She explains how horses mirror what we feel, why that forces honest self-awareness, and why every woman needs a “win,” a passion or practice that brings her back to life. You’ll also hear practical next steps for anyone stuck in the “should I stay or should I go” spiral.

If you want more midlife transformation stories, and honest conversations about self-worth and freedom, subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more women can find the show.

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Transcript

Welcome And Meet Nikki

Speaker 0:00

Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Find Your Lady Tribe podcast. I'm your host, Brenda Ridgley, and I am so excited to continue this great conversation that we've been having this season about midlife transformation and getting through what we lovingly call the midlife funk. And today I know you're going to love our guest, Nicki Laberg. She is a self-worth and freedom facilitator for women after divorce. Oh my gosh, this happens to women in midlife so much these days. And nobody talks about it. So I'm just so excited to have this conversation with Nicki today. She empowers women to be brave, break free from limiting beliefs, set healthy boundaries, and rediscover their worth. Nicki's mission is to help women not just survive divorce, but to use it as a catalyst for her growth, healing, and lasting empowerment. Nicki, thank you so much for being here today.

Speaker 1 0:58

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited for our conversation.

Midlife Reinvention And Lost Spark

Speaker 1:05

Welcome to the Find Your Lady Tribe Podcast. I'm your host, Brenda Ridgley. This is season four. We are deep diving into the heart of midlife reinvention. That sense that you've mastered your roles, but you've lost your spark. You are exactly where you need to be. This sequence is inspired by the framework of my upcoming book. Ignite your life's purpose and save the world. We're going to help you move from autopilot to on fire by hearing from incredible women who have reclaimed their own life force. It's time to stop just going through the motion and start living in your next chapter with intention. Let's ignite that spark. Save the world, sister.

Her Divorce Decision And Aftermath

Speaker 1:50

So, Nicki, I'd like you to dive right in. I want to hear your story. What is your midlife transformation story? Starting before the funk, how your life was and the the funk, and just give us all the nitty-gritty details. Okay.

Speaker 1 2:06

Well, I would say that it all started for me with my divorce. So it was 2015, I was 36, and I had reached kind of the end of where I wanted to be in my marriage. And I had made the really, really tough choice that I didn't want to be married anymore. And once I made that decision, because it was my choice and because it had taken me a while to get there, like it happens with a lot of women, I thought divorce was going to be easy. I had always been able to handle things and manage things and just move through things. And my divorce taught me that that was not the case when it came to divorce, that it was a lot bigger than I realized. And I mean, I knew it was going to affect my life in multiple, in multiple ways and in multiple areas where I was going to be living, how much I would see my daughter, um, finances. I knew all of those things rationally and logically. But when you start moving through them and actually living them, that's when things kind of changed a bit for me.

Speaker 3:01

So let me if you don't mind, I'd like to just go back to to pre-divorce a little bit. Like how long were you married?

Speaker 1 3:09

So we actually didn't get, we were together for a long time before we got married. So we were together a total of 17 years. Okay. And we were married, I'd say right around 10.

Speaker 3:19

Okay. Okay. So that is a significant amount of time. And you've built up some routines and some, you know, all this uh, you know, wealth together, probably, and assets and all that stuff. So can you just before we dive right into the divorce, work through kind of your thought process of what happened and, you know, kind of how you're feeling?

Speaker 1 3:40

Honestly, so we met when I was 19 and he was 21. So we were very young. And a lot of times people can grow together, and we never did that. We stayed quite different. We were always quite different, and we never really came together in those differences. If anything, they kept pushing us apart. And we all bring things into relationships. I know that I brought a lot into that relationship. Again, I was so young and learning so much. And I was in college and just muddling my way through what it was like to be still a teenager. And we jumped all in quite quickly, and my friend circle became his friend circle. Everything just kind of became that relationship in my life. And I was never that person before. So I think I was the woman that lost a lot of herself in that relationship and in that marriage in so many ways. And I think as that time went on and I could feel it, but I couldn't really name it or figure out what I was feeling. I just knew there was a big disconnect there and I wasn't happy. And as we grew apart more and more, and I realized how different we were, and things weren't coming together. And I felt those things. I felt disrespected. I didn't feel appreciated. I didn't feel seen. I didn't feel heard. I didn't even feel like I was in an actual relationship. And that just built up and it built up. And then we had our daughter, and she's an IVF baby. So it was a process and a journey to have her. And so there were struggles along the way for that. And that also impacted our marriage and our relationship. And I just remember looking at her and promising her and saying out loud, I don't want you to ever feel this way. And if it ever gets to the point that, you know, this is creating this in you, like I'm done. And I communicated that. I said, if she ever feels this way, or you ever treat her the way that I feel I've been treated, I will leave. And she was just before her third birthday, I hit that point and I was like, nope, this is not what I want for her. And it's interesting that I was able to say this isn't what I want for her, but I wasn't able to truly say this isn't what I want for me.

Speaker 5:53

So it is.

Losing Identity And Letting Go

Speaker 6:50

Right, exactly. That's that's what I'm talking about. You just basically losing your own identity, your own uh things because and it and kind of I don't did he ask you to do that? No.

Speaker 1 7:04

And that's the interesting part. I mean, I had a horse back then too. He didn't ask me to sell the horse, but I felt like I needed to sell the horse. He didn't love the horse, he didn't love the time I spent with the horse. He was a bit, you know, resentful, always made comments, those kinds of things, but he never said the words. I just took it upon myself that you know what, this is a problem for us. I'm gonna sell the horse.

Speaker 7:28

Yeah.

Speaker 1 7:28

And then that was a big piece of you. It was a huge piece of me. It was, I grew up riding horses, I showed horses, I competed. I it was what me and my mom did together. Like it was such a huge part of my life. And I wanted that if I ever decided I wanted kids. I knew I wanted to share that with my children, the way that my mom shared it with me. And and yeah, I I think again, he didn't ask me to do that. It was my choice, but I still resented him for it.

Speaker 7:58

Right. I get that. So okay, you're now you're at the point where you've decided you said I've had enough. Uh, I don't like the way you're treating our daughter. I'm I'm done. Um, and then you you initiate the divorce process feeling like I got this. This is like no big deal. But that's not the that's not how it played out for you.

Stigma And Grief After Divorce

Speaker 1 8:20

No, not at all. And I was in the financial services industry as a mortgage broker at the time. So I had all the connections I ever needed. I knew all the lawyers, I knew all the financial planners, I knew all the accountants, I knew everybody I needed to get through it on the business side of divorce, but I didn't have any idea how hard the emotional side of divorce was going to be. And I just want to go back, um, you know, because I am co-parenting with him. And if he were to ever listen to this, I want to just go back in the what he was doing to our daughter. What that was was he wasn't there. He was not available, he wasn't around. He was, and so I started to see her wonder where's dad? Why isn't dad here? Why, and and that's really the shift that it was for me is she needs someone that's going to be here for her. And so that's what it was.

Speaker 9:05

It wasn't abuse, it wasn't real neglect, it was just like that feeling.

Speaker 1 9:09

Yes, and showing up and being present and available and those things. But yeah, so I had no idea again, because it was my choice and because it had taken me a long time to get there, I thought it was going to be easy. And once the logistics and the business side of divorce were done, I was just going to move into a new place and continue with my business. And life was just going to be amazing and wonderful. And it was in so many ways because it changed for the better. But it also, I had no idea the grief I was going to feel, um, the stigma I was going to face. Society still judges people, and and there's no way around it because as women, our relationship status is defined openly in public, miss, misses, Ms. Right? Everyone knows our relationship status. Men are just Mr. No one, no one cares if men are married or divorced or have a family, but they care when it comes to women.

Speaker 10:04

And so that's that is incredible. Before you said it, I never put that together that we are labeled in a way that it says so much more. Yes. Yeah. And and people judge you based on that. Little def definition based on the right word.

Speaker 1 10:26

But it works, it works. Okay. I get it. And there is judgment, and there is stigma. And the number of times when people heard, they were like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I heard you got divorced. And my answer ended up being, I'm not sorry. Why are you sorry? I'm not sorry. I'm happy. But the stigma is that means if you failed. Yeah, you failed. And there's judgment around that. And I don't feel like I failed. Did I have to work through that? Yes, because obviously society tells us we failed if we get a divorce. And as a mom, and as a like I my parents got divorced when I was young. So one of the things I promised myself was I wasn't going, if I had children, they were not going to go through a divorce like I did as a child. So that was really hard because here I was choosing between how I want to show up for my daughter and what I want to model for her, and also where am I in that? And if I couldn't give her the relationship model that I thought was healthy for her and her future, I figured I was better off single and showing her that I can do whatever I want and so can she.

Speaker 11:35

Yeah. So how did the grief show up for you? What did that look like throughout that process?

Speaker 1 11:43

Yeah, I think it was grieving the parts of myself that I abandoned during my marriage, the parts of myself that I let go, the friendships. I mean, I lost my friends that I had when I went into the relationship. And then the divorce, my friends all changed again because they didn't all stand by me because they were originally his friends.

Speaker 2 12:01

Yeah.

Speaker 1 12:02

And once I was no longer a part of that circle, and they all still were, the friendships just naturally subsided. So there was grief around friendships. There's grief around the parts of myself I abandoned and sacrificed. There was grief around, I mean, even though things were not always really great, obviously, otherwise we'd still be together. I still had a future in my head of what my life looked like. And divorce changes that future completely from the finances to everything. And so there's grief around you have to grieve the future you saw for yourself. So there's a lot of grief.

Speaker 12:38

Yeah. So I I can only imagine as far as living the single life, which you have done for a decade or or more

Choosing Single Life And Boundaries

Speaker 12:50

now. Um, what you know, what was what's the evolution of how you've grown into that?

Speaker 1 12:57

Well, it's been quite the evolution. In the beginning, I took, I told myself I was going to take time for myself, but I kind of just fell into a few different, like whether it was a casual relationship here or something a little more serious for six months here. Like I did kind of bounce around between those types of things, like short-term committed relationships to more casual relationships, just trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted, how I fit in. And remember, society really tells us, especially as women, our value comes from our relationship status. So the number of times I've been asked, like, why are you still single? And I look at them and I'm like, why are you still married? Right? Marriage didn't work for me, single life didn't work for you. Why are you judging, like, I'm not judging you for still being married. Why are you judging me for choosing to be single? And it is a choice. And I think that's the other part of it. It is absolutely, it has been a choice for me throughout the time. And it allowed me to make my daughter my number one priority. And I think that whenever we have beyond children and we're bringing trying to bring relationships into it, that's hard for them. And she had that with her dad. I wanted her to know that she was like she had, because he had like moved on and and moved in his girlfriend and their kids. And I think that's an amazing thing when it works. I knew it wasn't what I wanted for her or for me. And so I just made the choice that, you know what, this is it's gonna be me and her. But that allowed me to go on solo travel trips that changed me and changed my life. It allowed me to reconnect with my love of horses, and I was able to buy my other horse again in 2022, right? And that just brought me back to life because one part of my story is I lost my mom and brother in back-to-back years, 2019 for my mom and 2020 for my brother. And so reconnecting with horses was a big part of being able to move through my grief over those losses and reconnecting with really important parts of myself. So if I had jumped into a relationship at any point over the last 10 years, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wouldn't be living the life I'm living today. My daughter wouldn't be who she is today because her circumstance would have changed again. So I think women need to feel good about being single.

Speaker 15:10

Yeah.

Speaker 1 15:10

And embrace it. Like it's been amazing for me and so many women that I know.

Speaker 15:14

Yes, I think that I agree. The stigma is it's always like something to fix if you're single. You know, that's kind of the feeling. Oh, I need to set my friend up because she's single. She must be alone. Absolutely. It's really, it's okay to want to be single. It's okay to live your life single, you know, and and if you're still seeking a partnership because you want that, great. It'll happen if you align yourself correctly, right? But it's not something you need.

Speaker 1 15:48

Absolutely. And again,

Solo Travel And Healing With Horses

Speaker 1 15:50

I look back. So in 2018, I went to Iceland and rode Icelandic horses around the Hecla Volta volcano. So that was my first solo trip. Then in 2021, I did Portugal and I rode La Sitana horses around the island of Fayelle. And those two experiences are what reconnected me back with my passion forces. But they also made me realize how big and amazing and wonderful this world is and how amazing I am, and how happy I can be and doing these things for myself and providing these things for myself and showing up for myself in that way and modeling that for my daughter. And the other thing that I've always, well, again, going back to kind of my evolution of dating, I know now that I will not live with a man again and I will not merge finances. Now, that could change when my daughter is older and out of the house. I don't know. But for right now, those things are just off the table. So any anytime I do kind of venture back into the dating world, I'm just very clear about that. This is what I'm looking for, this is not what I'm available for. And some men are like, ugh, and other men are like, that's amazing. Great, I love that.

Speaker 16:54

Yeah. I kind of like the idea of just having it living in the same home and having separate bedrooms. I mean, just I don't know. I I have I'm happily married, I've uh been for so for 30 some years, and we we cohabitate. Uh, but uh, but there's some you know greatness in having space, a space that's yours, right?

Speaker 1 17:15

Well, and there is research out there. There are studies that have been done that show men sleep better next to a woman and women women sleep better alone.

Speaker 17:22

Is that right?

unknown 17:24

Yeah.

Speaker 17:25

Interesting. I sleep better alone. Yeah, yeah. I love it. So so you basically uh not only grieved your your divorce, but then you had you had the losses of your mother and your brother. And then in the this process of the lowest of your lows, you reconnect with horses, which I understand have such a therapeutic nature. I mean, there are therapeutic centers with horses, right? And but it was your it was from your, you know, something that you'd given up and law and lost so many years ago. That just feels so powerful to me.

Speaker 1 18:05

So powerful. And when I first got into it, I just wanted to have a horse again. He was going to be a pastor pet that me and my daughter could ride once in a while, but we could just go and hug and love and just that therapy piece, right? Like be my support animal.

Speaker 2 18:19

Right.

Speaker 1 18:19

And when I got him, I knew that he was that there was a nice horse under the layer of fat that he'd accumulated because he wasn't doing a lot, he wasn't doing a lot when we bought him. But I didn't quite realize how wonderful of a horse was underneath that layer of fat and how much he would challenge me and how much he would push me and how much he would teach me because horses are mirrors. And so as much as we and they are therapeutic and there are absolutely there are therapy programs built around them. But if you are working in connection with the horse, you need to be very much aware of your emotions because they will mirror them back to you and they will bring things up in you that you had no idea you actually need needed to work through. And I mean, I have examples and that I can talk all day about that, but my horse is very sensitive and he's not super cuddly. Like I wanted a cuddly horse again, and he is not that. He will literally like push me away with his head very obnoxiously and very forcefully to the point he is like knocked the wind out of me, he's knocked me into the wall. Like he is like, you're too close, get out of my space. And so I really had to kind of come at the relationship from a different way. And as I started doing that, 17 years away from horses, and now we compete regularly. I was just texting with my coach before we jumped on this. Our first show was coming up at the end of May. And I'm like, okay, are we gonna be ready for this? Because he's had some stuff going on. So we haven't jumped in two months, and it's a jumping show. And I'm like, can we just like can we actually do this? And I haven't seen our response yet because we've been having such a good conversation. But yeah.

Speaker 19:52

Well, I just I love how you just kind of took a step forward towards something that you love passion when you're passionate, something you let go of, and what it's opened up for you without you even planning that, right?

Speaker 1 20:05

The people, yeah, the people it's brought into my life. Again, that reconnecting those parts of me, the confidence it has brought back for me, because you have to be pretty brave to gallop around a course and jump jumps, and you know, it takes some bravery. I've learned that there's been a lot of tears along the way. Um, and I my horse's name is Win. And so I always tell people like, everyone needs a win. Now it doesn't have to be an 1100-pound obnoxious toddler like mine is, but they need a win in their life. So whether that's whatever it is that gives you that passion and confidence and just lights you up from the inside. We all need that.

Speaker 20:44

I love it. We all need a win.

Subscribe Break And Quick Reminder

Speaker 20:47

Hey lady, just wanted to take a moment and interrupt right now in the middle of the show to ask you to subscribe. Yes, press that button right now. This show is all about you, the midlife woman. Let's do this thing together. So join us. Subscribe now. Gosh, you uh went all through through all of these life transitions and really big ones, and you came out and you and you like are I'm I'm sure continuing to grow and thrive. But what is life like on the other side?

Speaker 1 21:20

Oh it's amazing, wonderful. There's incredible. There's so many words to use for it. It is freeing. Like I feel like I'm free. I'm free from so many things because I chose very, very, very consciously to live my life different. I chose to let go of who society told me I needed to be and wanted me to be, and said, you know what, that doesn't work for me. I'm going to be this person. And there is so much freedom in that. And it has, again, brought amazing people into my life. I get to be here and have this conversation with you. It did lead me to my horse. It did lead me to my dog who's snoring on the couch because we flashed. Then we adopted him. Like it's animals have always been a big thing for me. Again, the people, the women I've connected with, the people I've been able to help, the women I've been able to help, to show them there is another way. And you can feel this good, whether you're whether the relationship is the goal, marriage is the goal, family is the goal, maybe it's a career, whatever it is, you can feel this free and live a life that feels this good.

Speaker 22:25

I love it. I love it. It absolutely did bring you to your current career. And from that perspective, I'd love it if you could provide our audience with some a few tips that, like, what if they're going through this and trying to make that tough decision?

Be Scared And Do It Anyway

Speaker 22:40

Should I stay or should I go? Oh my gosh, what do I do? I'm afraid. Do you have any tips to help them move in the direction of their power and what they really want?

Speaker 1 22:52

They first need to really sit with themselves and listen because I knew for years I didn't want to be married anymore. I knew with every part of me, but I just kept shutting it down and diluting it and telling myself something different. Like, no, you can make this work. You just have to try a bit harder. You just have to communicate a bit better. You just have to do this. And looking back, I wish I would have listened to myself sooner. But we can't do that either, right? Because if I if I had listened to that part of me sooner, maybe I wouldn't have our daughter, right? Maybe we wouldn't have her. Who knows what my life would look like. So I'm glad I went on the trajectory that I did. And so for any woman listening, just really listen to yourself because the answer is there underneath the fear, underneath the uncertainty. And then you have to give yourself permission. Permission to be scared and do it anyways. Give yourself permission to want more for yourself. Give yourself permission to connect in a different way with yourself, with other people, to start moving towards the life and be really honest with yourself, what you want your life to look like. Again, that could be a career, it could be marriage, it could be whatever it is. Be really clear with what you want your life to look like. And then take a look around. Like, is that what my life? Am I living that life? Is that what my life feels like? So you know the answer. You just have to give yourself permission to listen and then to take action. And like one of my favorite sayings is be scared and do it anyways. Yeah.

Speaker 24:19

Absolutely. Just and and just baby steps. Yes. It doesn't baby steps. It doesn't have to be like yeah, I mean, you know, do some research, right? What that's gonna look like and how can you set yourself up for success? I mean, those kind of things, right?

Speaker 1 24:36

Have a conversation with someone you trust, whether that's a friend, a therapist, a coach like myself, have a conversation, start saying things out loud because we talk to ourselves all the time and we're not very nice to ourselves most of the time. And so have a conversation, start to say those things out loud. I don't know if I'm happy. I don't know what I want. Doesn't you don't have to have the answers, but you have to start saying things out loud in a safe place. And even if that means putting them in a journal, right? It doesn't have to be to someone, it can be to yourself through a journal or something like that, but you have to start getting those thoughts out.

Speaker 25:10

Yeah, I love it. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Find Nikki And Tribe Closing

Speaker 25:13

Uh so tell us all how do we find you, Nicki?

Speaker 1 25:17

I am in a lot of places. Um, I'm I call my business healing you first coaching because I truly believe we have to heal ourselves first before we can step into the life that we want or bring other people into that space. So heal yourself first. So heal healing you first coaching, uh, that's my website, www.healing you first coaching.com. I am on TikTok, LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, all at Healing You First Coaching. So pretty consistent. I have some free resources on my website. So if you're a woman and you're unsure of why you're not, maybe you've already gone through the divorce and you're just unsure why you don't feel how you thought you would feel. Your life isn't what you wanted it to be. There's some resources there on why so many women get stuck after divorce. 10 things you can do to start moving forward after divorce. I talk a lot about core values. We all need to know what our core core values are. Mine changed dramatically after my divorce. I thought I knew myself, and then my divorce was like those things you thought you needed and were so important to you. Nope, it's these things. And so I had to redefine a lot of parts of myself. And so I have an exercise on there for women where they can uh define their core values and then start using those as their compass going forward. Lots of lots of information resources.

Speaker 26:33

Awesome. Well, I encourage you ladies, if you have any or no, if you know of a friend uh that could use the these resources or this conversation, please forward this to them. Um, I just want to uh I always wrap up our time together with this question, Nicki. How do you tribe?

Speaker 1 26:54

I feel like how I tribe has has changed so much over the last like in my adult years as a friend, how I show up as a friend and and how I need friends to show up for me. So if I look at right now where I'm at, you know, single mom a lot of the time, running a couple businesses, having a horse, trying to do all the things. A lot of my friendships are through memes. It's we will come across something that we want to share and that, and I mean they're all busy too. And so I love when I get a meme from someone because it knows that they were thinking of me or something reminded them of me, or they just thought enough of me to share this with. And so right now we do do a lot of memes. We do fit in some the odd phone calls and those kinds of things, but I think it's just understanding the different stages of life and still showing up for other people. Yeah.

Speaker 27:43

Yeah, I love it. Because even if because our lives ebb and flow as far as the craziness and can't always have coffee, you can't always, you know, go for a little girl's weekend, but you can always send a little I'm thinking of you, um, and just stay connected that way and give someone a little joy, a little laugh, a little chuckle and exactly, right?

Speaker 1 28:05

Yeah. And then I also love that like my one friend, she'll send me 10 like reels or memes and then like, yeah, yeah, I like I see them, I'll get to them when I can. And like she doesn't expect, like it, there's no expectation, there's no need. I don't need my friends to respond right away. They don't need me. So it's just an understanding that we're busy. Yeah, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other, and that doesn't mean that we're not there for each other. And yeah, when we do get to see each other, it's amazing, whether it's a girls' trip or coffee or lunch or a Zoom call, because we live different parts of the world. Um, but yeah, it's just recognizing that friendships change, I think, in our midlife as women, depending where we're at, and that's okay.

Speaker 28:41

Yeah, yeah, love it. Well, Nicki, this has been such a nice uh conversation and so important, I think. And I just want to thank you for sharing uh your story so vulnerably and and the you know, your um hurts and how you pulled came through it and sharing this blessing, these blessings really with other women now, um, really helping them and being a guide and a light for them. So thank you for that. Um, listeners, thank you so much for showing up and being here and being a part of our tribe. I I really uh value your support and and your being being connected to us. So, with that, when three or more gather, we are tribe. Thank you for spending this time with your lady tribe. I always say that when three or more gather, we are tribe. And today, with my guests, myself, and you listening in, that circle is complete. I hope this story reminded you that your purpose is worth the pursuit. If this episode stirs something in you, please click a button to subscribe, like, and leave a comment. Your engagement helps other sisters find their way to our circle. If you're ready to take the next step in your own transformation, I invite you to join our gathering place, the Save the World Sisterhood Facebook group. It's where we unmask, connect, and cheer each other on as we ignite our lives together. Until next time, I'm Brenda Ridgley. Save the world sister.