Finding Your Way Home; The Secrets to True Alignment

Coach Charlotte Lodey - How to let go of people pleasing, once and for all

• Anthea Bell

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Dearest listeners,
 
 Let go of people pleasing once and for all - lessons from a seasoned Life & Business Coach…

Charlotte Lodey is one of Cornwall’s lesser-known-secrets… A self-made entrepreneur whose sole mission is to foster the ambitions & thriving businesses of those she works with. After years in the trade, she now represents an international portfolio of major corporates and smaller start-ups - nurturing passion, positive-mindset and true professional ambition.

We sat down earlier this month to talk self-belief:

  • How easy it is to “live for others” 
  • What it looks and feels like to truly step into your own dreams
  • The dangers of people-pleasing & how to evolve beyond it
  • Why the buck always lands with you as an entrepreneur (and why that’s a really good thing)
  • And how to build self-esteem from the ground up - through mind, body and lifestyle

Charlotte also shares the insider view of her personal story - and the lessons it taught her on truly “showing up” for herself, being willing to step into the unknown and how she 4x her income through following her passions.

For More on Charlotte & to access her work

Instagram: @charlottelodey_aligned
Website: https://www.charlottelodeyaligned.com

Stay Connected with the Podcast

To stay up to date with upcoming episodes and guest insights, follow me on Instagram at @ab_embodiment or visit our website.

And to explore working together more deeply 

Sending love and light to wherever this finds you dear ones,

A x

That's ultimately where I want everyone to be, but particularly the women that I work with. I want them to feel like they, they, they believe in, they know. That it is not their responsibility to control how others resonate with them. It's as simple as that, because whatever you do, you are never going to get everyone to agree with your beliefs and your values because they're yours. They're that unique, incredible blueprint that makes you, you. And if you spend your whole life just trying to mold into other people's opinions or take other people's advice that have no idea about your true beliefs, then you're just going to stay that small restrictive. Don't worry about me. Like, excuse me, can I just, that, that whole character, which is a character, cause it's not the true, it's not the true version. I want people to feel like they can fully embrace the truest version of themselves. And. What's mad is it's right there. It's not like right now we need to go on a 10 year exploration of self. It's literally sat in front of me. All we need to do are just make some choices. Change this, change this, change this. Come on, let's do this. I know it's possible. Welcome to Finding Your Way Home, the secrets to true alignment. I'm your host, Anthea Bell, movement teacher, mind body coach, and lifelong spiritual seeker. This is a podcast about the depth, weight, and profound healing power of connection between mind and body, spirit and soul, and from one human to another. Together with an incredible range of inspiring guests, we'll explore just what connection and alignment mean. How to get there in a world full of the temptation to conform, and how great challenge ultimately can lead to life changing transformation. Get ready for groundbreaking personal stories, conversational deep dives, and a toolkit of strategies to build not just your inner knowing, but your outer world. Let's dive in. Hello gorgeous, gorgeous listeners and welcome to this week's episode of Finding Your Way Home. Oh, I'm sitting with a gorgeous beaming person. So Charlotte Lodi is today's guest. She is a transformational coach. In both the private sector and she works within the corporate space. She's just come off the back of a gorgeous three day retreat event experience in the heart of Cornwall, which is where she calls home. I first came across her about a year and a half, two years ago. And what I was really struck by was the fact that of all of the people that I saw in the social media space, particularly in the realm of coaching, the message that she delivered was always one of gentle, intelligent cheerleading. There was a degree of warmth and positivity and useful activation. That sits so much in contrast with quite a lot of what we are exposed to in the media day to day. And it became very clear very quickly that that was a core part of her ethos. And so I'm really, really delighted to have her here with us. And we're going to dive right into the nitty gritty Charlotte, say hello. Be with us. Hi, thank you so much for having me. What an amazing introduction. I should just get you to follow me around and be my cheerleader because that's amazing. Almost had a little tear then hearing that. Thank you so much. It's that funny thing, isn't it? Of how you're perceived even before people know you. Like I think when you're in one to one dynamic, it's easier to get a sense for, Oh, this is what they see in me. But when you're putting yourself, and I want to ask you about this because you work a lot with brands, both big and also you work with small entrepreneurial brands. And for me, there's no real, ideally, there's no real distinction between me as the businesswoman, me as the individual. And the brand that I create, like I want there to be a continuity between those two things. Yeah, it's such an interesting point because I do work with, with private clients and with, with brands, as you say, and what I love about working with my private clients is that a lot of them are in that space of, of creating a business or step, maybe stepping away from corporate and wanting to explore something else, because maybe they feel like, particularly the ones that have left corporate, they feel like, They've lost their identity almost without even realizing because they've been on a, you know, a habitual pattern of, of behavior in the workplace for so long that they've got to a certain age. And they're like, I don't want to do this. This isn't me anymore. This doesn't feel aligned. And, and so they want to explore something else. And so a lot of the clients I work with, are kind of building that, that business idea, or they have something and they're trying to leverage. And what I love about those clients is that they are clearly Monetizing something which is coming from their soul. So their, their purpose there, they're finding the vessel that best suits their purpose to, to kind of manifest. And so they're, they're able to really explore deep within them, what makes them happy and then able to make that into a business and that's what I love because I can, I can see people getting excited when they talk about their business or their ideas. I can see the excitement and, and I feel it because I will, regardless of any conversation, I will hold the highest vision for every person I work with. So even if you don't believe it, I believe it. Because I can see it in your eyes or I can feel it in your body language. It's just that there's probably layers or years of narrative that is, is, is squashing that, or is making you feel small or not good enough, or that you don't have the skills or whatever it is. And so I can see it. So I get excited because I'm like. Yeah, we can do this. Okay, like, let's do it. And I think you said useful activation. I love that that that definition. That's what I'm all about. Like, let's understand what's holding you back. What is it that really fires you up and then let's create those useful activations to do. Get you kind of moving towards and creating momentum because I know that momentum is going to create change. And yeah, that's what I love. it's so connected, you know, it's just me and you, and we're really just getting to the bottom of everything. And then I'm helping you to kind of just. Fly or leverage or expand. just not kept small and just go for it. I just, I love seeing that as you can tell. Yeah, you're very sparkly. I mean, I've had the opportunity of working with you and that excitement, the fire for the creativity of what's to come, it comes through very vividly for the client. and I'm really curious as to whether you've always had that skill of being able to not just see into people, because that is a huge aspect of your quality, but to be able to see into the untapped within someone. Yeah, that is such an interesting thought, you know, because we don't tend to always look back. We always just think, okay, what am I doing next? And I think that's a really interesting question, because I think if I really think about it, I always knew that I wanted to help people. However, it started and this is what I mean by finding the vessel for your purpose, because it's never just one vessel. It may change multiple times like it has for me across my career. Um, I've had multiple career journeys, none of which I regret, but they've all taken me to this point. And so I think that if I think about in the past, yes, I've always wanted to help people, but how that manifested when I was younger was through entertainment. So my degree is in theater and my, um, whole love was to be on stage or to entertain or to make people smile, um, or, or to make people feel something through my. presence, essentially. Um, and it's, that's the Leo in me. Um, I think that that's, that's the Leo performer that's always there. Um, but I love that and I'm still that person. But, but back then it was very much a B being like that sparkly kind of entertaining. Um, make people feel good. But what I know now is that is obviously that was very surface level, because all I could do is make people feel good in that moment through like my presence, but that was kind of it. Um, and, and I also believe that there was a lot of people pleasing tendencies that, that were kind of wrapped around that. So it wasn't always necessarily in the most Positive way, because, um, I was actually trying to make people like me, um, or, or try and make people think that I, um, was, um, the nicest one or the kindest one, because I would always do things for everybody else. And there's, I think there's nothing wrong with that, but I think that I realized looking back that people pleasing was a huge part of my persona, which is in later life, I've realized was quite important. Was quite limiting for me. And so it, it, it was kind of not allowing me to live fully in integrity. So, yeah, I think that it actually started more around the entertainment side and then as I started to realize how I could kind of. mold that into some, something else or a different career. That's when I went into teaching and did my post grad in education and started teaching at secondary school and primary schools. And again, it's almost entertaining, right? Teaching, teaching is, is, is theater. And so I loved that and seeing the potential in children and nurturing them and It's the same thing. You know, every career I've done has, has had this thread of Making people feel good, smile, fulfilling potential, nurturing, even when I moved into events management and creating events and putting those together, you're essentially making people smile because of the product of what you've created. Um, and so there's always been that thread. It just took me a while to figure out what it is that I truly wanted. To, to be my vessel. Because I was a people pleaser. I was just doing what I thought other people thought that I should be doing. With my career choices. I went into teaching because someone said I'd be good at it or, I went into events cause someone was like, Oh, you, you'd be really good at that. You should give that a go. And I'm like, yes, I should. I'd be amazing at that. You know? And I just, I never really listened to myself. I just listened to what other people thought about me. So it was as I got older and I started to do more work on myself, shed a few of those things and start realizing that actually it's always been to help people. It's always been to like build people up and help them fulfill their potential and ultimately make them smile. But now I have to really sit with that and think, but how do I do that in a way that feels So much more aligned to me and allows me to live fully in integrity. And I'm constantly have to check myself, Is this still what I want? It does this still make me happy because it changes all the time. And that's the other thing we don't realize, right? It changes. We have to change with our feelings and the, the year that we're in and the environment that we're in and the relationships that we have. We have to check ourselves constantly and, and that's all been the learning. My friends would say I'm still the entertainer, hopefully now in a good way. I relate to so much of what you were sharing. The theme that was really coming up for me quite strongly was around what it takes to be an excellent coach. And the word partnership is embedded in there for me, which means that actually you have to be able to step out of the people pleaser within you that wants the client to like you because a lot of the time the work that you have to do with them it's not pleasing. That's not the deal between us. The deal is we will activate your dreams and I may have to hold you to account or I may have to let you go or whatever it might be. You have to be willing to be over here on this side of the table with space between you and the client. It can't be about your own need to resolve something emotional that hasn't been resolved until this point. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yes. You know, there was a point where that was almost triggering for me because I'm the fixer, right? So, my whole life I was like, yeah, no, no worries. I can do that. You need that? No problem. I can do it. Like the solution person and coming from education and events. You're the solution person, right? You fix it. And that is rooted in, in people pleasing for sure. And so the hardest transition of my life was going into coaching, but it was the best transition because I was learning all this stuff about silence. and space and not needing the answers. And actually not having the answers is the most powerful thing because now I've learned how to help someone find the answers for themselves. So they are way more connected emotionally to that action because ultimately they've discovered it themselves. Whereas I spent my entire life saying, That's the problem. Hang on a second. This is what you need to do. And without really understanding if that is what they need to do, that's just my opinion. That's my reality, my truth, what I think that person should do. And I say should in inverted commas because should is essentially. the definition of someone else's opinion. It's not yours. And so yes, it was so hard for me, but so liberating because it was like this whole heaviness was taken off me from my entire life. I just felt heavy in like the fixing and the solutions. And then as soon as I, I kind of shifted into coaching, I was like, Oh my God, this is magical because. I'm just holding the space. I'm using all of these years of wisdom and understanding about all these different parts of life and my own life. But now I don't have to push it onto someone. I can just help them in that space to realize it for themselves and ultimately, you know, give them the, the, um, advice, but only if they want it. Yeah, that consent piece is so critical and I find often you'll have consent at the beginning and then there will be moments over the course of the relationship where, oh, they're not quite willing. Oh, okay. And to be able to stay within yourself and to be strong enough to withstand the moments where the client resists their own content or resists. It's the dynamic or whatever it might be. It's a real lesson in intrinsic self worth on the part of the coach. And I think for a lot of new coaches, that's one of the most terrifying experiences to have to come face to face with how much you have outsourced your value to what other people think. I mean, I wonder whether you notice that people pleasing is also something that your clients do with you. Oh yes. Yes. You know, I've had clients that have apologized. To me, because we've had a discussion at the end of a session and we've made an agreement, you know, that they're going to go and, um, listen to that podcast or, or, or take the action, whatever it is. And when I check in with them. They're like, I'm so sorry, I didn't do that thing. And I have to really not go deep with them, but I have to really remind them. There is no apologies in, in, in, in my world. I get clients sometimes that will have those moments of breakdown or cry and they're like, Oh, I'm so sorry for, for crying or showing my emotion. And I'm like, Stop the sorry. this isn't about me. It's not, it's not about my transformation. It's not about my life. I am purely here to hold space and to hold the highest vision for you. And so it's not, sorry, it's, it's, I didn't do it. But my question would be like, that's okay, but let's figure out why not. If it doesn't feel aligned, then what does feel aligned and like, how do we move forwards? I'm always about momentum. I find there's a real overlap between the people pleaser and people that walk around with a lack of entitlement. So I've been reflecting quite a lot recently about a friend of mine who she just, she's amazing. I mean, she's, she's amazing in every sense, but she also just walks into a room and it's like, I own this room. it's inbuilt in her intrinsic makeup as how she arrived into the world. I wonder if she's a Leo actually, um, maybe, maybe that, but it, it, it is kind of an amazing piece of awareness to notice that a lot of women do carry the people, pleasing the shame, the apologizing for self, all of that. And yeah. Great. As you were talking, I was really reminded of the fact that in some ways coaching is like reparenting the most vulnerable parts of someone, especially for an entrepreneur whose business is their baby. That is the most exposing vulnerable thing to say, look, look at what I've made. It's only half finished. Please help me with it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly that. I think it's a permission piece. It's, it's helping someone to realize they have the permission to, to go for this or to grow. And I resonate with, with the points that you make about women in that., I've worked with hundreds of hundreds of women and I will have the same conversation. Just in a, you know, a different format with pretty much every single one. And it doesn't matter how successful they are because whenever you leverage. those thoughts will always kind of come back. It's just how you're, you're managing them. But ultimately it's this expansion piece. It's this restrictive piece of like, stay small and, um, you know, say your pleas and thank yous, make sure everyone is okay before you like, be kind, use your manners, like don't make a scene, most of the time from, from our parents or upbringing, it's been told to us out of love, you know, because they're just trying to be the best parents they can. But, but what's happened is that it, it kind of just creates this restrictive, behaviors and it stops people from, um, really being able to speak their opinion without being worried or to go for something that they know is a bit of a risk, but it's not. But they're just going to do it, you know, but there's too much restriction around that. And I see it even in people's body language, you know, they will stand, um, with their almost, you know, their protection around their heart. So their, their whole body is kind of slumped over and it's like, whatever you do, don't, don't get in there. Like, don't damage my heart because I can't cope with it. And as soon as you have that. That behavior light, like your friend of like. expansive, strong body language where you can walk into a space and, and people almost like pay attention, you're exposing your entire existence. So not only your heart, but your entire, everything about you is on full show. And you're saying, I've got this because I know my beliefs. I know my values. I know what's important to me. I know how to live in integrity. And if you question that, or if you don't agree with that, then I'm okay with it because. That is not my responsibility to control how you resonate with me. That's ultimately where I want everyone to be, but particularly the women that I work with. I want them to feel like they, they, they believe in, they know. That it is not their responsibility to control how others resonate with them. It's as simple as that, because whatever you do, you are never going to get everyone to agree with your beliefs and your values because they're yours. They're that unique, incredible blueprint that makes you, you. And if you spend your whole life just trying to mold into other people's opinions or take other people's advice that have no idea about your true beliefs, then you're just going to stay that small restrictive. Don't worry about me. Like, excuse me, can I just, that, that whole character, which is a character, cause it's not the true, it's not the true version. I want people to feel like they can fully embrace the truest version of themselves. And. What's mad is it's right there. It's not like right now we need to go on a 10 year exploration of self. It's literally sat in front of me. All we need to do are just make some choices. Change this, change this, change this. Come on, let's do this. I know it's possible. Now go and try it and see what happens. Can we talk about that for a second, that transformation process, because from what you've just shared, my impression is that your base belief is that everyone has the potential to be the fullest expression of who they are and to be safe in the world doing that. Yes, exactly that. Exactly that. you mentioned intuition earlier, and we've skated around the question of action. Those two things feel to me to be pretty critical in creating deep embedded transformation, as is the partnership, as is me being in space with you, and like feeling the power of your belief for my dream. How would you describe how that transformation process works? Yeah, it really is. Intuition a lot of people will, will work with me because they're in their heads and they don't realize because that's all they've ever known. That's all I knew, you know, for so, so long in my life. I, I only ever knew my ego and my ego was the one that was making decisions for me. There's nothing wrong with those decisions. Um, they just were very head driven. it was like what I thought I should do or what other people have said that I'd be good at and, and that massaged my ego and made me think like, yeah, yeah, I could, yeah, you're right. I could do that. As opposed to dropping down, sitting in that and thinking, but what is my Heart saying, let's go deeper than that. What is below that? What is, what is that true, um, calling or, or purpose or, or message? What is that? Because I never listened to it. What happens is, yes, of course, we take the topic of the thing that they think they want to be, you know, doing or working on. And then we have to really. Go below that and, and figure out, well, if your life was like that, how would it feel I try and allow the people I work with to sit in the feeling of what it would be like, because we hear a lot around fake it till you make it, and, you know, You know, write a list of the things that you want. Ultimately, I don't want anyone faking anything. I want you to feel an authentic feeling about what it is that you're really searching for or, or, or working towards. So I really want people to sit in that feeling, first of all, to really understand what it feels like in their entire body to be whatever it is that they see in the future, to then understand. Okay, now we know what that feeling is. Now we know how your life will be different. Now we know why that's important. Now we know, this is the key, why it's important for you. Because a lot of the time when we start talking about, but what is the importance of this goal for you, if my clients can't tell me why, Then it's normally because it's not their goal. It's someone else's that they believe that they should be doing. The connection to the emotional driver is critical. So we can start. Visualizing that in the body and obviously kind of out of the body. But then that's when we have to start digging deeper than the head and being like, so why, why is that not happening? Like what is holding you back now? What are the narratives? What are the fears? What are the narratives? What are those? beliefs that are holding you back so we can start to unpick those. That is way deeper than the head, right? The ego does not want to talk about those things because that creates vulnerability and The, the biggest piece of advice that I would give to my clients, and I say advice because it's more of a, an observation that I have for my life. And that is that the head doesn't know what's wrong or right for you. It just knows what you've done the most of. So if you've done the most of keeping yourself small, when you then say, right, I'm done with this, I'm going to do something big. Not only your head, but your whole body is just going to be like, absolutely not. We're not doing any of that. You're not good enough. You're not intelligent enough. You haven't done enough courses. You don't have enough money. Your parents will disown you. Your friends will think you're an idiot. This is when all of that stuff comes in and then our body starts to tense up. Because our head has learned stuff over the years that we're not good enough or just don't do that because it's not safe. And so the transformational journey for me is about creating safety, to create the space to understand what is it going to feel like, come on, let's just really sit in that feeling of euphoria when you can get there. And now let's in a safe space, figure out What are those things that have been holding you back and let's just let them go. And that is a journey. It doesn't happen overnight, but it also doesn't take 10 years. You know, it can happen over the space of a few months. Once you start really kind of peeling away the layers and taking action as a result of those layers. And it happens rapidly and people will text me being like, I can't, I can't believe I just did that thing. And now it was so easy. What can I do next? And as I'll always say, the momentum. That's what, that's what we need to create. And, and the evidence that you can, that's why I'm all about action. Because once you get the action, you get the evidence. And then you're like. Ah, nothing bad did happen. And now your head is catching up with everything else that always knew it. You just didn't allow yourself because it was just clogged down with all of the other stuff that isn't actually yours. It's other people's stuff, you know, that you've taken on. it's so fascinating to you because I'm very reflective of this process of shedding that you're describing and the way that each and every one of us comes into the world with all sorts of gorgeous acquired titbits, both physiological, nervous system, cognitive, emotional. And one of the pieces of work that I've been doing with a few of my clients recently is looking at the gains behind the negative behaviors or the behaviors that they. describe as negative. And the reason we focus on those is because, as you say, action is taken as evidence by the cognitive processes, right? So if someone is continually reenacting a negative behavior that's buying into an identity that they're walking around in, like a costume, which is then limiting everything that they want to do as far as their potentiality. And it isn't often until you get down on paper, oh, okay, when I play small, I'm assured of this, I'm assured of this, this person is pleased with me, I don't make them feel uncomfortable. That smallness that you're talking about, I intimately relate to. And When we first started working together, one of the things that I was struck by was just this joy of being on the stage that you, that you naturally have. And I'm wondering, If you'd be comfortable to, to speak about what have been your challenges, the things you've had to let go of in order to allow your career and maybe even your life and your love to expand to the place that they're at right now. Yeah, it's, It's about letting go, for sure, but you can only let go of the thing. have that transformation if you have awareness, right? We can't do any sort of change unless we're aware to start with. And I think that was the thing for me is that I didn't have the awareness for many years. Um, and so therefore there was no change. Um, and that's okay. Because that was just the identity that I was living in, in those moments. And so once the awareness came and I have this conversation with everyone, and I speak to a lot of people that have done a lot of work on themselves and they're like, Oh, it's exhausting because now I'm aware I can't be unaware. And so now I've got all this work to do. I'm like, yes, welcome to the party because this is where it starts. And I think that was, that was it for me is that. I kept myself so unbelievably small. But the, the narrative was so loud of, this is just what it is for you, that I couldn't change that for so long, like so many years. It was just like, this is just your life. This is just going to be you. I was reflecting on this at the weekend actually, and I was thinking what, what were the main triggers for me telling myself that because I was such a kind of like confident, like I'd get up on a stage and I'd dance around and I'd be speaking in front of people and go and speak to the strangers and none of that was a problem for me. Why was this, this feeling when it came to then me and my, my, my, not just my business, but everything in my life, why was it that it was actually being restricted? And the, the reflection for me was. I think heavily related to where I was born, which is Cornwall. And I have a huge, as you know, connection with, with Cornwall and, and the Cornish people and, and the, the incredible nature, you know, that's, that surrounds us here. However, we're really far away from a lot of things and the, the, the communities that we grow up in here, the, the role models that we have, because. When I was young, there was no internet. There was no mobile phones. There was the TV and we had four, maybe five TV channels. Um, there was just magazines, right? That's where we kind of got our. Bigger picture role models from. And so my community role models were very much, um, like my mom was a teaching assistant and my dad worked at a, um, an electrical company. That's not uncommon. So my mom just didn't really work much. She looked after the family. That's very common, you know, for my generation, but in Cornwall particularly, it's farming, it's mining, it's fishing, it's a bit of hospitality. It's teachers, dentists, doctors. There's, there's nothing, um, wildly inspiring when it comes to entrepreneurial life in Cornwall then. I'm talking like 25 years ago, right? 20 years ago. There wasn't really anything like that. And so when I knew that I wanted to be an entrepreneur when I left teaching, or I didn't know the word entrepreneur, I didn't know that's what I was, I just wanted to be self employed. That's, that's, that was my definition. Um, and kind of make something for myself because I wanted the work life balance I will use in quotation marks, because I lived in Cornwall, I wanted to enjoy the lifestyle. So in my head, I was like, my story was, Well, if you want to enjoy the lifestyle, then you just have to put up with not really earning much money because that's just what it is. You, you, you can't have both. And the other narrative was, well, other people earn lots of money, but that's just not for you. Um, I don't know where that comes from. I think it's, it's potentially ancestral inherited. It's that it's just the energy from, from being Cornish. Cause my parents were never restrictive in their. opinions of what I could and couldn't do in my life, you know, that were very kind of supportive and motivational. But of course, They didn't really know what that meant because they'd only lived a very small life. So that was the biggest narrative for me. And the, the, the negative effects that had on my reality, because ultimately that belief then creates a behavior in me, which was say small. And then my behavior obviously then affected my reality for many years. Um, What happened was that I was doing jobs that I loved and I was being self employed and I was living, living my, you know, self employed life, but the money that I was making was minimal. So I reckon for maybe, I don't know, six, six or seven years, I probably made like 20 grand a year. Um, and because I would always be, I would always get to January the 31st and make a joke of not doing my tax return. Like it was a joke, like, ha, ha, ha, haven't done it yet. Like putting it through now because I knew that I would never have any tax to pay because I'd earned such little money. And, and I managed to survive on that money. I still had fun and I still had a nice life, but it was always this like, Oh, well that's it. That's just how it is. Oh, well, people in Cornwall don't want to pay that much money. People don't have any money to pay for your services. That's, that's just what it's like here. And I can't tell you how loud that, that voice was for me for so long. how little respect I had for myself in my business, I didn't realize how, how negative that would be for my mindset until. I started to really dive into that and understand why, why I felt like that's all I deserved. in my 30s, which is when I started to really do the work, it was then I started to think, but why do I don't think I can have it when all these other people can, and that's when the awareness It was literally like a, a light bulb of like, but I can, so I will, and, but I knew I had to do the work and the work was around for me, um, two things and actually I mentioned this, um, with some people at the weekend at my event and it was time and discipline and, and discipline around my time because time equals self worth. How you spend your time, how you choose to move through time is a definition of how much value you put on yourself. Because if you are willing to give your time away, give yourself away for other things that, that aren't relevant to your integrity and your life journey and your direction, then you will be successful. There is no discipline there. And you are going to stay in that cycle of smallness because everything else is more important than you. So of course I was never going to get out of that. And so what I would do is. If my friends would phone me up like on a Monday and be like, Hey, you want to go for coffee? And I'm like, yeah, I'm self employed. I can do what I want. I don't have a schedule. Like, Oh, I don't think I'm going to get up tomorrow morning because I don't have anything to do. I'm just going to lie until 11. I can do that. I'm self employed. I hear this story a lot with self employed people. And what I realized was that I was associating self employment with like, Amateur hour. Like, oh, I'm not good enough for a real job. I'm just self employed. And so I was looking at it as like a much lesser option in life. Again, very restrictive when, of course, as we know now, being self employed and being an entrepreneur is probably one of the biggest, most craziest, amazing things that anyone can do. But in my head, it wasn't like that. And so I started to realize something has to change and it was very simple. I just created disciplined. So I would start to create boundaries, which I'd never done before. And it was very simple. It was like, start treating your self employment like a job, like an actual job. So Monday, if someone calls you and says, do you want to go for coffee? You can't because it's your get stuff done day. It's your admin day. You can't go and have coffee. Cause if you do it on a Monday, your whole week is ruined. And then if you want to speak to clients, tell them you can only speak to them Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. You don't do clients on a Friday because you want that time for yourself. And when a client would start working with me and they'd say, Oh, what days do you coach? And I'd say, Oh, well, I can see you Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, they'd say. And I'd be like, cool, because in my head, I was expecting them to say, Oh, could you do Friday? And then for me having to say, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I can do Friday and then be like, damn it. I've done it again. I've given my time away, but I had to just learn to just say no and set the boundaries. And it was that easy. And then that's when I started realizing that. Actually, I'm quite good at this. I'm quite good at this job that I've created for myself. I, I want to feel financially rewarded for this. I'm going to charge more money. And all I had to do was charge that price that I wanted once. Someone has to say yes, there's the evidence. I'm never going to charge less now because I've done it. that was the snowball for me that started to make me realize that I am worthy, I do deserve this. And self employment is a incredible choice. It's not the afterthought. It's not the, um, it's not the like. bronze medal, it's your gold medal. And so you have to then believe in yourself and you have to be disciplined with yourself and give yourself that respect And it became very expansive for me very quickly. And now, I'm earning in excess of five times what I've ever earned in those years when I was so restrictive. And it's never about the money. It's not about the money for me, but what it is, is about the self worth and that comes with the value of my time. I was never like, Oh, when I make more money, but as a result of my journey, I've learned how to, Build my relationship with money. So energetically, I, I know how to charge and how to receive and how to give. And that's very different to someone saying, I earn loads of money and I can tell you how to do that too. That, that's not who I am. The money is a result of me really stepping into my power and, you know, fully understanding who I am as a human and, and why I'm here. And that's what I want for everyone that I work with. Because it's totally possible, right? You guys can't see this, but for some unknown reason, I'm having a really emotional response to what's happening. I feel quite emotional. It just feels like so, it feels so profound. Um, and I want to confirm that there is a real energetic distinction between those two examples that you gave. The one being it's about the money, let me show you how to make the money as though, as though the money could be anything. Anything compared to the fullness of being a whole human being, as if that's an exchange that anyone should want to make. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, I got the goosebumps. If you're willing, I'd love to dive into just a couple of those details. The first one was coming up so strongly. I'm really curious as to how you would coach someone around I am not enough. It is not enough, because I imagine that comes up, same as in my practice, a lot within yours. Mm. Yeah. And it's, ultimately, it's sad because it, it is restrictive and I have empathy for anyone that still feels that narrative is, is loud in their life. But I am not good enough for me, I guess, you know, it's a fear, right? that fear is maybe around, um, not being liked or not achieving or not living up to expectation. And so. My first job as a coach is to always, always hold the highest vision because I know that they are good enough. I don't even need to know the person in depth. I just know that they are. And I know that they have the capability of believing that too. And I know if we really, really stripped away everything right down there in, in the very base of their gut, it will be whispering, you, you are good enough, but it's so quiet, that person can't hear it. What I don't want to do is just go straight into, um, Where's, where's that come from? Like, why is that? I want them to first be able to see and feel what it would be like if they didn't have that narrative. And that is really key for me. And that's, I think that's a great tip for anyone is that if you feel like stuck in the mud of a narrative that is restrictive, then the first thing to do is sit with the feeling of, if I was good enough, What would it feel like? We give ourselves a lot of time to beat ourselves up, but we don't, give ourselves the time to think, okay, but if I didn't say that to myself, let, let, let's just say, you know, if we had, you know, this magical world where I could just get rid of that narrative, just for this one minute. What would be different about your life? What would be truly different? And you know what's wild is people really struggle to answer that. Like they really struggle and they're like, Oh I don't know. I'm like, but if you did know. Because they would know. They do know. They just have to give themselves the space to actually sink into that and be like, Oh well, actually maybe I would be. And then they start talking. And that's the first evidence that someone is getting that that narrative is just something they've chosen to keep because they've just told me what would happen if they didn't have it. So now your brain is starting to see, Oh, well, this could, this could be my life. And of course, why shouldn't it be? That's where I would love to explore to start with. And then obviously. From there, we have to figure out why that phrase is so key for that person. Because of course there's no generic answer and I don't know the answer, um, but we can figure that out together. It's situations or, um, stories or, um, influences that have created that. And I. want people to know that it's, it's not their stuff. the easiest way I can describe it is that if you think that you are not good enough, that is like a heavy boulder that is in a backpack that you are carrying around every single day. You wake up in the morning and you feel kind of good. And then you look down at the floor and you see the boulder and you're like, I've got to put that on again. And so you can have these moments of like, ah, I actually feel quite good, but then you have to put the boulder back on and carry it around in that rucksack every single day, because I am not good enough is a heavy burden. It's, it's weighing you down. It's slowing you down. And. I just want people to know that it's, it literally is as simple as taking the rucksack, rucksack off and saying, this isn't my, this isn't my boulder. I don't want to carry it around anymore. But there's a process to that. It takes time. We have to really dive into that and figure out what that really means for that person because I am not good enough is a burden. That I do not want people to have to carry around because ultimately everyone is good enough and what that means to the individual is completely personal. It could mean anything to anyone but ultimately it's positive and it's forward thinking and it's momentum creating and it's expansive and that's where I want people to know that they can reach. So beautiful, as you were talking you had me thinking about the word congruence. So you said before we started recording that integrity, it seems to be one of your core values, certainly for yourself and in your business. And it relates to your relationship to the natural world and also even the brands that you promote and support, you know, and some of them that you, that you now work with. And I was thinking, okay, so if we take off the backpack and we allow ourselves to really lean into the deliciousness of what is it like to know I am deeply worthy, intrinsically worthy, that it is sewn into the fabric of me, that I am, you know, a divine expression of something so much more beautiful and greater than I could possibly imagine. Then, of course, if that's the belief, it feeds into how I treat myself, what I wear, what I charge, like you were saying, what my business looks like, and the permission slip that I just get to create a business, because it's, you know, It gives me great glee and delight. That business doesn't ever have to reflect back on you in a negative way, but you get to carry with congruence all of the aspects of you into the business. And it was reminding me of the fact that one of the first things that I noticed about you, which I told you when we first started working together was how beautiful you were and how well dressed you were. And I think the reason that it struck me at the time was. the story that I had been carrying around as a very big heavy backpack was I'm, I'm not pretty, I'm not worthy of being looked at. And of course that had translated into, um, well, probably two rounds of anorexia, which was less than ideal and, uh, not caring really about what I wore. And then in terms of even the business, it's so sneaky, but it was like, well, the finished polish doesn't really matter and I don't need to worry about that tiny detail. And it's like, no, all of these things. Are part and parcel of your belief structure. They manifest that belief structure. So we have to pay attention to all of them. Yeah, I remember that conversation that we had. where are you at with that now? I'm so interested. Yeah. So it's different for me now. And it probably came up because this week I had a similar conversation with a client And the context of that conversation was wanting to go into a particular professional environment, noticing that they dress in a particular way, and, and having a feeling of a principle around, well, I don't want to have to conform in order to be given the job. And we had this really brilliant conversation about it, because I've no truck with however, how anyone dresses, but what I do recognize is the costumes are. Signifiers. And when I had that conversation with you I realised two things. The first is I realised more vividly that the clothing that I was wearing was reflective of the way that I viewed myself. And that obviously sent me down a little bit of a useful rabbit hole of why is it that I so deeply believe that I'm not pretty? Which has been a story I've carried around for a very long time. And, um, What was then interesting for me is that I started to proactively practice wearing the clothes of the person that I deeply wanted to be, knew that I was. And the biggest realization that I had on that front was I was terrified of spending money, because the associated story was that I could spend money on coaching. I could spend money on credentialing. I have spent an unbelievable amount of my salary on training after training after training, but I could not spend money on myself. And they were so intertwined, those beliefs, that that was a huge part of what had stopped me from, you know, I would go into a shop and I would try on something and it would be beautiful, then I would look at the price tag and I'd be like, no, that's indulgent. It's selfish. No, that's not what your money is here for. Your money is here to do good things with. So it was a real negation of self. I'm not allowed to be a part of this picture of what I create in my life. The packaging of me is not allowed. Um, I have to be of service and I have to give, but I have to not want to receive anything. And so when I was able to spin that around and see the relating between that and how I was viewing myself, then a lot of things unlocked. It's still a work in progress because the belief has gone back a long time, but it's definitely miles better after building the awareness. That's so, I'm so happy to hear that. isn't it weird that we, we think that we're doing so well, or we've made so, so much progress and then it can be, but because we're so now aware and we have such good self reflection skills, we realize, Oh, there's, it's this and it's, it's that energetics around the money of. Where you are happy to spend the money. It's not like you were completely restrictive about money. It was just in certain, in certain areas. And, and that, that's also really interesting because I have a lot of conversations around this, this feeling of giving and receiving, uh, and a lot of it naturally falls around the money conversation because. Again, a lot of people that I work with have, have restrictions around money or their money mindset and we talk about it like a transference of energy, um, in terms of giving and receiving. But I also love to compare it to, um, compliments, um, because it, cause it's the same thing. It, we, we give and receive. So a lot of clients will say, I don't, I can't take a compliment. Or what I would like to say, an acknowledgement, which is slightly deeper, you know, an acknowledgement really sees you deeper, whereas a compliment might be like, Oh, your hair looks nice. Uh, whereas an acknowledgement might be like. Thank you so much for all the work that you are doing on this project. We truly could not be at this position without you. That's more of an acknowledgement. Both of them though, will, will hit something within us when, when we received them and, um, what I realized is that, cause I was the same person, right? Oh, I love your, I love your outfit. And I'd be like, Oh, Oh, Oh, I got this at the car boot, you know, something, you know, something totally unnecessary, but. Restrictive. Like, no, no, no, no, no, I don't, I don't, I don't want that. And what I, what is really interesting about that whole transference of energy is if you flip completely flip the perspective, right? Which is essentially what transformation is like, let's try and see from other perspectives because all we're doing is seeing it from one lens. And what I want people to realize is there are multiple lenses. You just need to like, step back and view. And then your, your, your outlook on life can change. And so I started looking at this whole kind of transfer, giving and receiving thing from a different lens. And very simply, I realized that, and I, I had this discussion with lots of my colleagues is that if I'm giving you a compliment or an acknowledgement, that's me saying. Or even paying, paying a bill, right? I'm paying an invoice, but ultimately if we think about compliments or acknowledgements, I think they're the nicest ways is that me as a person has seen you for who you are and has wanted in that moment to give that gift of positivity, of lightness, of joy, whatever it is that I really want to like share with you in that moment. And. If you decide that you cannot fully take that, fully receive it, you will do things like you will put your hands up. This isn't like, we don't realize we do it, but in our body language, we might just put our hands up and as if to say, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Like, Oh no, this, I just got, I got this in the sale. Oh, it's, Oh, it's just from, I just got it from Primark. You know, people will say those random comments, but they'll also be like, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Like, as if like, No, I'm, I don't want to be made to feel special in this moment. I don't want to be seen as better than you because you're complimenting me and you're putting me higher. And what that does is it's not only does it deny you of receiving that joy in that moment, it also stops me from feeling the gratitude and joy from giving. So now you're denying me the feeling of truly giving because you won't truly receive in that moment. And I know it's slightly off piece from what we spoke about, but I think it has a lot to do with how we see ourselves. Because like, like you say, when you, you, you gave me that compliment around how I look or how I dress. If in that moment, I would then turn to you, who we didn't know each other very well to say, Oh no, no, like just threw this on. It destroys that. beautiful kind of energy transference that we have in that moment and that, that trust and that intimate, that intimacy in that moment, it's completely gone. It's that, and it's also profound because it speaks to meaning again. So when you were talking about identifying the meaning behind people's goals at the beginning of this conversation, neurologically, the reason that that's so important is because The wiring in the mind is predisposed to orient toward meaning and when you are tapped of energy, for anyone that's listening that doesn't know the way that these cycles work, when you're in an energy depleted state, which is when you're in any state of cortisolic stress, when you are underslept, When you are, I mean, being a people pleaser is energetically, unbelievably draining physiologically, as well as emotionally. And so what the mind will do is it will revert to heuristics, which are well, uh, well inlaid patterns, and it will go back to neural pathways, thoughts, and beliefs, and identity that are. Deeply understood and familiar. So in order to make a change, it's neurologically recognized that we have to ascribe meaning to it and that as you ascribe meaning to it, you switch within the salience network of the brain, you switch the zones that you're operating from within, and that gives you a big boost of noradrenaline and a couple of other factors that allowed you to focus on this new thing. That's also how awareness works. That's why people talk about having light bulb moments, because as soon as the awareness lands, then boom, you're off. And when I gave you that compliment, Part of the reason it was so significant was because I had not brought into conscious awareness before the fact that it was a lacking in my life and it was something that I ascribed meaning to. I had no idea that it was such a strong narrative, or that I was denying myself in such a deep way. And until I had brought it to the table with you, probably you hadn't really even given it a second thought. But now you have a, an extra piece of information, so it's the energetic exchange, but it's also the collaboration and learning exchange between two human beings that we're Discovering things together about what's meaningful for me and what's meaningful for me about you. That's a really beautiful process and that speaks to the heart of connection, which is, oh my god, we're actually right here together. We're not just operating our own separate stories across the other sides of the room and being in a play and pretending to have a conversation. This is an actual, actual live thing that's happening in the middle. Yeah, it's real life energy. transferring. It's, it's fully being in the present and, and listening. You know, that's the other thing. It's like, fully engaging that, that listening ability so that neither of us are thinking about the next thing we're going to say while that person is talking, because now we're not in the moment, we're being in our head and we're just thinking about getting it done, moving on. And that's the other great thing that I love about my job is that I love listening and I love being able to let go the outcome. Of anything or the, the attachment to the agenda or the outcome. I'm, I love being able to just let go and just listen in the moment because whatever that person in front of me says is where I'm going to go. Not where I think we should be going. It's just in that moment. Um, that really does create that. Really beautiful, kind of consistent shifting and moving of ideas and energy and, and transparency and trust because I'm fully invested, I'm fully invested in, in that, in that exact moment. And the words that are coming out of that person's mouth in front of me. It's exciting because you don't know where it's going to go. You've got no idea and old me would have been terrified because I would have need a plan I would have need a spreadsheet probably even needed to do this Like loads of post it notes around my laptop of like what I could say in the situation but now I'm like how liberating we can just listen to each other and talk and something incredible will come of that and there will be an action and there ultimately will be change. How amazing is that? It's where the magic happens is the space. Yes, it's the space, not only between two people, but with ourselves when we create the space for ourselves. And when you say about going outside and being in nature, it's so simple. But like, if you're holding onto those beliefs that are so restrictive, you can't make change until there's space for that. So we have to find the ways, it's almost like we're manually, we're trying to like manually override that system, which sometimes we do need to do and forcing yourself to sit and meditate isn't going to work when you're overwhelmed, you're stressed, you have those high levels of cortisol, like you're saying your, your nervous system is, is just on high alert. It's not going to work, but something as simple as walking. On the cliffs, in the woods, in expanse of nature, you start to, what I love about that is it transcends your ego. It's so much bigger than you when you're outside, when you're in space, you start to realize how small you actually are. And you start to feel the bigger picture because you start to feel, Oh wow, that's amazing. Oh, look at that sunset. Oh, look at the, look at the trees. It creates this gratitude in you, this humbleness, this. Feeling of awe, all of those feelings are the feelings that allow our nervous system to just start to settle. And when it settles and when we lower our heart rate, we lower our breathing, we're creating space. That is where we start to create magic. You have to find the space. And it's simple, but nature's the easiest way. It's the easiest way. And so yeah, I do think the space is, the space is where the magic happens for sure. Laughter. The space is where it's at. Yeah, exactly. I love, it has been such a treat to have you, and I have no doubt that everyone listening has gained an enormous amount of wisdom from what you've shared. I wonder if there's a little last nugget that you feel guided to leave people with. Whether it's guidance for trainee coaches, whether it's for those that are struggling with their own internalized narratives, what is coming through for you to share? I think it goes back to this, this feeling of I'm not good enough. And it's ultimately because we want other people to like us or we want to be seen as a certain in a certain way. And the mantra that stays with me all the time is what I mentioned earlier. And that is, We have to trust in our abilities. We have to be confident in our capabilities, you know, willing, we have to have willingness to try regardless. We just have to be willing to try. That's ultimately the definition of confidence is just knowing that whatever happens, I have to do this. It feels right. And then I deal with the consequences that that's, that's true belief in yourself. You just know that. I have to do this. And it, it feels right in my gut. And then whatever happens as a result, I deal with it. And the only way to get to that point, I believe, is to remind yourself constantly that it will never be, and it never has been your responsibility to control what other people think of you. You, you cannot control that and you never will control that. And when we start to let go of that feeling of the need to control what others do, what others think and what others say, it becomes quite enlightening. Because that is where you can start to really figure out change. Cause also we want to control how other people change. Oh, well, if this person does this, then it will make me feel better. No, let's just focus on you. Don't worry about anybody else. Don't worry about controlling what anybody else thinks or does. Let's just figure out how you can control you, what you believe, what you think about yourself. Uh, that, that to me is like. will always be so important to, it's not, it's not rocket science, but we, we have to remind ourselves, right? Cause we, we slip up all the time. It makes me think of the serenity prayer, which I quote for people often, which is, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Exactly that. Oh, your Cornish dreamboat. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my gosh, we will see each other soon, I hope. And listeners, uh, we will catch you with another gorgeous soul rich episode soon. I send you love from this corner of London.

Anthea:

gorgeous listeners. Thank you. So. So. much. For your ears. I hope. You enjoy today's. today's. episode. To find. More about our. Featured guests. Have a look in the show. Notes.