Finding Your Way Home; The Secrets to True Alignment

Rosa Maxwell on Sacred Sexuality - Could Tantra be the Embodiment Practice you're Missing?

• Anthea Bell

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Gorgeous Listeners, welcome to this week's episode of Finding Your Way Home


This week, we explore the sacred realm of tantra, sexuality and the spiritual liberation these ancient practices may offer. We're joined by a guest as honest as she is magnetic; someone who's lived was fundamentally and irrevocably changed after experiencing Tantric mysticism. 

Rosa Maxwell is the Founder of the London School of Tantra; an organisation dedicated to educating UK audiences on the profound spiritual impact of so called "White Tantra". As its lead Facilitator and private Tantrica, Rosa joins us for a deeply personal conversation - diving into the origins of this ancient practice, its spiritual and philosophical underpinnings, and why / how in a modern culture so systematically repressed and emotionally disregulated, Tantra offers a solution. 

We go deeply into Rosa's personal story - exploring the early trauma that had left her numb, the low self worth and perfectionism that had ruled her experience in work and play, and the moment Tantra entered her space. It was then that the healing truly began - and she began what has turned into a lifelong mission to learn and share the secrets of this centuries-old form of spirituality. 

Listen in to learn all you wanted to know about how to achieve both deep self-expression and profound connection, in sacred contact with yourself and intimacy with others. A tender and immensely insightful episode for anyone re-evauating their relationship to self, sensuality, partnership and the capacity for abundance. 

To connect with Rosa and find out more about her work: 

For more on the Finding Your Way Home team, including events and spaces at our next retreat in Costa Rica: visit @ab_embodiment or www.ab-embodimentcoaching.org

And if you've enjoyed the episode, make sure to Subscribe and share it with a friend - you couldn't imagine the profound ripple effect that small act has. Let yourself give as generously as you wish to receive - the circularity never ceases...

With love my friends,

Ax

And one of the things that I have learnt in my journey and that I have really felt through walking this like very tantric way of life. It's not about the destination. It's not even about like the potential enlightenment or the like, I'm healed. I'm there. It's really about how can I keep falling in love with myself, in love, with life, in love with the people around me, in love with this incredible universe, in love with divinity and whatever that means to, to, to anybody listening.

Anthea:

welcome to Finding Your Way Home, the secrets to true alignment. I'm your host, Anthea Bell, movement teacher, mind body coach, and lifelong spiritual seeker. This is a podcast about the depth, weight, and profound healing power of connection between mind and body, spirit and soul, and from one human to another. Together with an incredible range of inspiring guests, we'll explore just what connection and alignment mean. How to get there in a world full of the temptation to conform, and how great challenge ultimately can lead to life changing transformation. Get ready for groundbreaking personal stories, conversational deep dives, and a toolkit of strategies to build not just your inner knowing, but your outer world. Let's dive in.

Oh, you beautiful, beautiful creatures. Welcome to this week's episode of Funny Your Way Home. I am having a bit of a magical experience over here. On this side of the audio, this side of the screen, I am sitting with a beautiful, benevolent, magical, rich creature. Rosa Maxwell is. I suppose by this point, a colleague, a friend, she's a phenomenal Tantra facilitator. She's the founder of the London School of Tantra, and this is the second precious episode where we've dived into this realm of sensuality, sexuality, accessing your deep pleasure, accessing perhaps, or might say even your divinity. Why that is so foundational to living a full, rich, beautiful human experience. Those that are gonna get an opportunity to see the visual of this, you'll see this flaming red hair, an incredible woman who's recording in from Iita where she's currently living half of the time. And so Rosa, I just wanna say before we even get going,'cause I know how precious this is going to be. Thank you so much sweet creature for being with us. I know it's a super busy time for you and for the school. And I'd love you to. Open up the mic, introduce yourself and, and let us know how you're landing today. Mm. Thank you so much. It is such a joy to be here and, and. Wow. How I'm landing today is I'm landing today. I'm really feeling like I'm landing in like my full humanness, like embracing the rawness of, of the emotion that can be present in life, in love, in relationships, and really embracing that alongside the like the pleasure, like the pleasure of. Really being here right now in IBI there, which is just the dream, the gift that that is the way that my life path is woven to even allow me to be in this space right now. But really being able to meet all of that like depth of humanness and real raw emotion, but still be in the pleasure of the human experience of my body of being outside in the sunshine. And I think. I'm, I'm so delighted because I already know how the conversation, like I can feel the tingling in my body of how this conversation is really weaving and that, you know, that really coming back home to the self. Because for me, that really is what tantra is, is it, is like the spiritual path that I have found to keep bringing me home to myself again and again and again and again, and really. In Tantra, it is one of the only spiritual paths, which is not about transcending this human experience, but like fully embracing it, fully embracing every single element, like the pleasure and the pain. And so I feel like I'm really showing up today, like showing in that full humanness and in that full tongue tika space. And it's such, and it's such a delight. It's such a delight. It is funny because I think delight is a word that for most people when they meet you kind of oozes off you. Those that haven't been in space with Rosa physically, she has this laugh this giggle, this giggle. Even when she is meditating people, everyone else is quiet then, and Rosa is like. Gently ple Cattling to herself in the corner. But it it for me, the first time that I heard you do that, do you know what I remember? I remember being like, oh my gosh, that is so. Bold isn't quite the right word, but this, this self embrace actually to be vocal in your devotion that struck me as a British person that has tended to be very, keep it quiet, keep it contained, keep it polite, keep it elegant and polished. There was something very beautiful about your capacity to be visible that might be where I get us to start. What was your journey into this realm of what sounds like deep spiritual practice to, to really inhabit and embody? I thank you so much for asking that question, because people often see me as, you know, as the founder of the London School of Tantra. As someone who's now been a, like a, I would've called myself before like a sexual liberation coach, and that's something that I've been doing for the past five years, like really helping people reclaim like that full. Power that comes when we are connected to this aeros, this aliveness, this sexual energy within us. And I think it often comes as a surprise when I say like my journey in is I was probably the most like numb human being that, that I could ever think of. Like even compared to a lot of my clients who come and see me now. But I really was. It was like, it was like nothing. I thought, I thought maybe I was asexual. I didn't have any connection to pleasure. I really struggled to orgasm. Like I struggled to really feel any connection to my true sensuality. And I, I really would've said that. I probably, I probably woke up most days feeling like what's the point? Like what's the point in even really getting outta bed, slipping in and out of phases of depression and. And I know, I know that for me, a big part of that came from a, if I, if I was to, if I was to take us back to kind of like the moment that like kicked it all off, it was, I think I'd always struggled to really connect with myself to find. In myself to love myself to feel pleasure, like true pleasure, like rather than performance, like pleasure through performance. Like true, my pleasure, not pleasure for somebody else. And I. When I was traveling with my sister in India, if I like paint the picture where we were on the cliffs of Varkala and we are walking along the cliffs and we are walking, me and my sister in this like hot sun and we come across this like crystal shop. And now this was a time before I was really would say I was spiritual at all and I just thought crystals were kind of cool, like rocks and I was like, wow, this is like so beautiful and like still drawn to it. Like let's go in. And I had this man, this small Indian man, and he asked me and my sister if we would like a free chakra reading. And as someone who always has had a spirit for adventure, I was like, sure. Like why not? Like I'll try anything once when in India, like when in India, let's get get a tracker reading. And he started reading through my chakras, like going chakra by chakra and, and when he got to my sacrum. And the, for those of you who might not be familiar with the chakra system, these are an ancient, like it's found a lot through tantric. Through tantric practice and ancient tantric teachings, but really considered like an energy system within the body. And we have, some would argue more, but I'll, I'll stick with the kind of simple for now, but the, these seven energy centers within the body, and these energy centers are connected with different, different functions. Like, for example, the root, which is at the base, the perineum is our safety security. The. Sacral chakra, which is that second chakra. This is like the sensuality, our creativity it's, it is in that kind of like womb space. Below the belly button above the pelvis. And then they kind of go up. And I, I used to think chakra's. Like absolute bs. Like, I was like, I was like, what, what, what does that even mean? Like these energy systems in the body? This is absolutely ridiculous. And, and you know, now modern science is connecting the different actual biological and physiological functions that have been found to be connected with different of these energy centers. But at that time, like, you know, I was a total non believer and he got to my sacrum, my, my sacred chakra, and he said to me, he was like, I feel a block here. And then what he did was he pinpointed to the year and the month, the two experiences of sexual trauma that I've had. In my life and now that. Like opened the box of the lids that I had never, ever opened, like never looked at it. It opened the lid to this box and I was like, oh my gosh, how in the world does this man? Like I'd never told a soul. I never told anybody. And how does this small Indian man the other side of the world, how can he feel that? How can he know that? And it spooked me so much. And just, I can only describe as like what was like a very like rude awakening into like spirituality and not a very gentle one because I came back to the UK and all of the things that I've been suppressing., The, like the feeling of asexual, the kind of an orgasmic, like not being like all of these things that were low level. Suddenly it was like everything was brought like fully into my awareness. I wasn't hiding it anymore, suppressing it, performing, wearing all the masks. It was like I couldn't whatever happened in that crystal crystal shop on the cliffs of lc opened me up in a way that I couldn't. Close it again. And I had to go into a journey of healing and so that really started it. And then I spent, oh my gosh, probably, I'm still still spending the time, but I've probably now spent the last six to seven years really unpacking that box and through. Incredible, incredible healing and EMDR therapists and, and things. I was able to heal a lot of the trauma and no longer feel like I had PTSD no longer dissociate all the time. But what I found at the end of that journey was that. Great. I didn't have the PTSD or the anxiety so much anymore, but there was still no sexual expression. There was still no low aliveness. There was still no connection to this erotic nature within me that I knew. Like something in me was saying, this must be so core. And then that was when I found tantra. And that was when the final pieces like really felt, I've got chills, but that was when the final pieces fell into place and suddenly I was like, oh, this is what it means to be alive. This is what it means to feel fully myself. This is what it means to be sexual, authentically connected to myself. And I think that's the journey that that. Took me on and the universe just kept inviting me deeper. And somehow I found myself here now founding the largest tantra school, the largest female founded school in London, maybe even the uk. And I never, I never thought that was part of my life's plan, but, but Tantra really was the door that changed everything in my life. God, it's incredible to hear that story and. Really wanna acknowledge, I'm so sorry that that was your experience. Mm. and also, I'm so glad that you were able to move through it in the way that you were at the time that was right. For you, it sounds as though it was a breadcrumb experience, one. Next action, then the next, then the next, then the next, which is actually so often the case with healing. And I think one of the misconceptions that people can certainly have when they begin this journey is coming from the place of cognitive safety, creation, and control. We are so attached to the idea that we have to know what it's gonna look like in order for us to be willing to to begin. And the reality for most people is they have no idea. What it's gonna look like and isn't that a wonderful thing? Because the surprise that gets to come in, the spontaneity, the connections, the fullness, the aliveness that you're describing, none of us that have had that experience would ever give that up. None of us would rather have known at the beginning because we no discover along the way. Mm-hmm. Is the incredible degree of surrender that's required that process it. That is the living. That's the juice of it right there is being right in it, not being at a finish point. And I don't think we ever are., I imagine that's your experience also, that there is always more learning, more depth, more that the universe has to teach you. A thousand. A thousand percent. A thousand percent. And, and I think, I really agree that there can be this misconception and especially like in spiritual spaces and even this like potential of bypassing and like wanting to be at the finish line. And one of the things that I have learnt in my journey and that I have really felt through walking this like very tantric way of life. It's not about the destination. It's not even about like the potential enlightenment or the like, I'm healed. I'm there. It's really about how can I keep falling in love with myself, in love, with life, in love with the people around me, in love with this incredible universe, in love with divinity and whatever that means to, to, to anybody listening. When I say that, I don't mean like someone, like, like one man with a white beard in the sky. For me, it's really that. That connection to like awe and magic and wonder and that the more that we cultivate that falling in love with the journey, that path like that, that the present moment that we are in. Like that, that that is it. That is it. And in tantra, they would really call that, you know, we, we would call that ananda, like that's pure bliss. Like ananda means bliss. And, and Ananda really is that being so in love. And so in the present moment, and that means like where you are, wherever you are on your healing journey, like being in that moment, loving that moment, knowing that it is a step towards. Deeper ananda, deeper and deeper bliss, and deeper and deeper enlightenment for yourself and, and I think. I think the, the, the trouble that I see a lot like in my clients and, and also in in the students that we teach is, is that we can judge ourselves and it's that judgment, it's that self-judgment of like, I feel I should be further, I feel I should be experiencing more pleasure. I feel like I should have figured it all out. I feel I should be more spiritual. That that's where the pain and the suffering is. It's in those. Thoughts rather than actually in the, the, where you are in the present moment. And so when we can release that, and again, it's like that I love, I love this podcast because it's like, it's like that is the coming home to the self again and again and again, and just the honoring of the self again and again. You and I are having this kind of radical time at the moment because we're both really immersed actually, I think in moving to an even deeper degree through our own stories. And you've just mentioned this thing about judgment and in a moment I'm absolutely gonna bring us on to the self-love piece and really really what your experience with that has been, but something in your story. That I'd like to touch on because I think it's gonna be useful for the listeners, is this way that we also personalize the numbness. This shutting off and negation of all avenues of sexuality. But not just that all avenues really are vulnerable emotion, vulnerable expression. So there's the clamping down really of being honest about what has my experience of the world been. And there's a shielding that then impacts, touches on like a shadow, every aspect of how you live your life. And when you were talking about. You know, living in this state of flip flop anxiety and depression and this apathy I've absolutely had periods of my life of, of the same. And I remember vividly that my narrative the same as yours was, this is to do with some problem in me. This is. This is something that makes me other. I see other people out there. They're living a regular life. They seem to be enthusiastic. They seem to be diving in. What is it that is wrong with me? That I can't be engaged in that way and the same as you? It was only when I started really to look inwards with an environment of compassion. I realized that a lot of what was going on was just purely even biological and neurological. It was the way that my body had self protected as a shield, which immediately means that the judgments that you make and the way that you make it personal, it dissolves none of it is personal to you. It's, it's woven into every psychological textbook that there is. But I just wanted to touch on that for the benefit of the listeners, including anyone that might be going through one of those phases right now is the, the numbness is not your fault. It is your system's best attempt really at allowing you to live your life. I feel, I feel so emotional as I he share that because it touches me so deeply. And I, and I really share this for anyone who, who feels like the this is, is them, but I really used to think I was the most broken human being on the planet. So it's amazing to think that six or seven years ago I just opened the door to like really be feeling like, wow, I feel like there's really something wrong with me and that I'm really deeply broken because I'm so numb and I've recently like retouched on a deeper layer of that, that same onion and that same narrative, like there must be something deeply wrong with me because you know of, of X, Y, Z. And. And what I'm st what I'm still learning, and I think I'm still in this journey. And so for anyone who's listening, and, and again, it might, you know, as I speak and it's like, wow, like maybe it might seem like I'm like this all the time now. And like, I still slip into apathy. I still slip into feeling numb. I still slip into feeling broken. And the thing that has been the, the biggest game changers, just like we're talking about, has been. Can I still love myself in the numbness? Can I still love myself in the feeling of brokenness? And can I love as well? Can I really love the events that have shaped me and allow myself to feel self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness for the guilt or the shame or the feelings. Like maybe, you know, I've gone through that feeling of, of like, what's the trauma my fault? You know, absolutely not. Absolutely not, absolutely not. But it's that feeling of having to self forgive like when we give ourselves that. It's almost like a permission. Like, oh, it makes sense, like it makes sense that I feel numb because it's a self-protective mechanism. It makes sense that this is hard because I've never been taught actually how to embrace my sexuality at its fullest expression because I've been taught that. Either it's for other people's pleasure rather than my own, or I've been taught that actually I'll be labeled a slut or I've been taught that I'll be used or abused. I'm like, oh, it makes sense that there's so much fear here around being a sexual woman, that it makes sense that I would shut down and numb myself., And it's so beautiful to feel this reflection right now. So I really thank you. But that's been like. The core of my personal journey has been really reclaiming my sexual self and myself in that space, and really like owning it to its fullest. And that also means owning it in the numbness, owning it in the disconnection, and being honest with myself about that. That's also in a sort of subtle way, that's also that Anunda that you were talking about is, Things that we tend to move away from because we think that they're gonna be unpleasurable. Actually, my experience generally is that when we can drop in, they're not even unpleasurable. Again, that's a story, but we have so much resistance to those stories that we spend much of our time really trying to avoid. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm really curious. With regards to Tantra this idea of tantra being a spiritual practice.'cause I think when most people either hear the word or they think about sexuality generally, that's not the assumption that they make, which tells us actually that their foundational understanding of what tantra is, is distorted from the reality of where that tradition came from. So the way we really like to describe Tantra, the London School of Tantra, is that every single thing gets to be a pathway for our enlightenment and a pathway to. The divine. And this can include, you know, sex. This can include love. This can include relationships. It includes doing your taxes, it includes getting on the tube. If you're in London, like every single thing can be a pathway to enlightenment into the divine. And now the reason why I think a lot of people see Tantra as quite synonymous. To, to sex is like in the sixties that, that we had this huge like neo tantric movement. So Tantra really originated. It was, it was, oh my gosh. Some of the earliest texts were between 500 and and 15,000 like bc. So it's like one of the oldest like spiritual traditions. For anyone who does yoga or practices yoga, like actually Tantra was really the, the roots of yoga are actually found in Tantra. And it's this real rootedness of how we connect with ourselves, how we connect with each other, and how we really connect to the divine. it was also seen as the, the kind of spiritual path for the common person. Whereas like previously, a lot of spiritual paths were reserves for, you know, monks who could renounce everything and go and like, and go and like really devote and be in, in spiritual practice. Tanha really, when Tanha came along, it was really as this. Spiritual practice for the common person that actually we can find devotion. In every act we can find devotion just through the presence of being deeply present in any act. And there's a really beautiful story about a prince who, who wants to reach enlightenment. He wants to reach enlightenment, and so he kind of like leaves. Leaves the palace, which he's been in for, for years. And he goes and he goes and studies with the monks and he's like, this isn't really like, I don't, I don't, I'm not, I'm not feeling it. I'm not finding it. And he goes on this journey and he goes and travels with these other spiritual teachers and he's like, again, okay, this, this is not really finding it. And it wasn't until. He really was like walking through this market and he sees this like common Aerosmith woman and she's there and she's just sharpening the arrow.'cause she, this is what, this is her craft. She, she makes arrows, that's her craft and her full attention and presence is just on sharpening this one arrow. And in that moment. That was where he felt like the first spark of really enlightenment for him. Just seeing her absorption and her devotion to this simple act and this simple craft. And so one of the ways that I really like to think of tantra is like, for me, tantra is the art of like fully living. It's like fully living. Every single moment, like being in devotion to the present moment, like meeting yourself, meeting each other, meeting the divine in the present moment. The way that I really see that, particularly in our modern lives, and one of the things that we are really at the forefront of is this modern tantra movement and how we really bridge that gap for this ancient philosophy and bringing it into our like busy, modern lives where disconnection is so, it's so easy. It is so easy to be disconnected and walk through the day, like being so disconnected from ourselves. So disconnected from our loved ones, and so disconnected from the literal magic and energy and vibration of the universe that is all around us. And when it comes to, when it comes to sex, to even just bring to, so if I bring that piece in, is. Because Tantra was the path, this path that really honored everything when when it came into the West, really, this was really made popular by Osho and, and Margo Andandand. And when it came into the West, I. It really started to open up this space of, of what people would call like sacred sexuality and bringing more of this sacredness and this depth of presence and the divine into sex. So that rather than, you know, connecting on a basis of performance or I feel I have to, it was more like actually, how can we find divinity divinity within this? And one of the things that. I think is a shame is how it has been s synonymized with with sex for many, many people. And one of the things that I'm really passionate about is that yes, we get to have the most epic sex lives that I've ever experienced. And yes, you can have like multiple hour long love making sessions. Like, like, yes, you. Can have orgasms that last over an hour. Like you can have orgasms where people aren't even touching you. You can have all of that. You can have all of that, and Tantra has got so many tools and teachings to support you with that. But for me, really the magic of Tantra and what we really are keen to like bring into the mainstream. Is this path of life and really this art of fully living, and that when you are fully living, and I, I don't just have all these amazing sex and orgasms because of the tantric techniques, it's because I'm living tantra. It's because every day is filled with aliveness and pleasure that is found in each and every present moment. So I really see modern tantra as the art of like living fully, loving fully and like. Leading fully, and that's where devotion comes in as a practice. It's about that showing up for the self again and again and again, and showing up for our pleasure again and again and again, and showing up for the present moment again and again and again, and showing up for love again and again and again. And that is the devotion piece for me. It's like how we show up. It just makes, it makes every living moment this opportunity for the sacred. I love everything that you've just shared and, and the thing actually that I am pulling out because of the nature of this podcast and also because of the intersection of the two types of work that we do,, also what we're talking about here is learning. To trust yourself learning to trust life, learning to trust your partner. It feels like safety, even just on a bodily nervous system level, is critical to everything that you're talking about. They've done, you know, all sorts of studies into what does it do for people's sexual libido, for example, if they're constantly on a cortisol adrenal. Ride and you know, we all know all of the dysfunction that comes, but how important for you or for your students, or for the teachings is safety for you as a theme? Feeling safety more than just cultivating it. As a facilitator, I. I'm so grateful that you have asked this question because I would say the greatest gift that Tantra has given me is an unshakeable nervous system, and I know that that's not like what most people would be like. Oh, yeah, tantra's gonna help me regulate my nervous system, but oh my God, goddess, it's like. I, I've been reflecting on this a lot this week, particularly with the facilitator training because that's, that's one of the things that I know is like one of our core pillars and what makes us really unique that a lot of, a lot of neo tantra and a lot of the tanha that. People are teaching. Not everybody, but I'm finding this a lot, is, it's a lot of the, the tantra that I see a lot is all about this up and out and up and out and up and out and like ecstasy and chasing and, and, and that's actually not real tantra, like real tantra is about being rooted in the body. It's about experiencing ecstasy, but being fully present here and now, like people will often, a lot of the practices, like I see as well that, that people are kind of doing is teaching it, but, but it's, it's not necessarily from a, a regulated space. And so again, this is something that I'm really ex, I'm really excited about in the work that we are doing. And I'm really grateful we have such a big platform because really the greatest gift that tantra like true a Tanha has taught me is that by. By coming home to myself again and again by using surrendered breath work practices like slow breath work practices by, by really feeling this earthly human body rather than trying to escape it by really, truly feeling maybe the emotions I'm trying to avoid, like whether it's pain or grief or anger, rather than like avoiding those. By fully embracing those and, and reregulating my nervous system through the embrace of these emotions, that that is what changes everything. In tantric, we talk a lot about new non-duality. It's one of the core tantric philosophies and it really means, you know, there's no right or wrong and that the place that I really. See this come to life so deeply, like in myself and my students, is when it comes to emotion, like anger is not good or bad, it just is sadness. Grief is not good or bad, it just is. And that actually, as we. Embrace this. This gets to reregulate the nervous system because we're not trying to control or suppress or like be in that freeze state, numbing,'cause numbing is often associated with the free state. We're not in freeze. We actually get to bring ourselves out of that freeze state by then coming up into, you know, fight and flight because then we're expressing the emotions. We're actually letting them. Move through us. So we almost go from numbness to full expression to regulation and that that like nervous system arc that so often we see, and that's the way that we come back home. That's the way that we come back into connection. And the same when I, if I think of an example, like for example, if we are afraid of something in our, in our love lives, because I think this is a big space that this comes up in. Like, I'm afraid my partner's gonna leave me. I'm afraid I'm gonna be abandoned, I'm afraid. Of X, Y, and Z, and we start to shut down, withdraw, disappear from, from our partners. Then we're again going into that freeze state, and actually we just need to come back into that expression of like what's actually really alive in this present moment so that we can come back into connection.. It's really beautiful. And you've reminded me of a little exercise that I know that you had your students do in their foundational course, which I had never heard of before. It was this practice of seeking out rejection by wildly asking for any and all of your pleasures as an experiment to see if you could begin to cultivate a resiliency to people saying no to you. Yeah. It's sort of titled, I think in the training it's so special. It's kind of titled The Rejection Week. And you are helping people really to repa. Their experience of that. Can you tell us where the idea for that came from and also what your experience with that was like? Because genuinely, I think the capacity to be able to nevertheless ask for what you want or need, if it's something outside of you, even at the risk that the other person has full consent to say no, I think that that's just so beautiful as a boundaries. Exercise, as a bravery, exercise, as a liberation. Tell us about it. It is, it's one, it's been actually, I know the students would all say it's been one of the most transformational weeks for them was rejection week. And so the, in the training we go through 12 tantric fundamentals. And, and these are the really, the, the human fundamentals that are, that, that we believe within modern tantra are critical. Are critical for experiencing not just thriving sex lives and love lives, but whole lives allowing us to show up like. Fully, and so to give everybody a context before that we'd done. Boundaries and desires. So people had learned, okay, well where's the yes and no in my body so that then I can, you know, create more nervous system safety at being able to honor my own Yes. And my no because I have my, I know where my boundaries lie. And then in desires, we started to get into connection with, well, what is it that I actually want that's not to do with conditioning? And we, we split it out with like, like ego led desires, which was playfully named like Mirage desires. These almost like, versus these soul led desires and starting to differentiate between, well, what actually is like this mirage desire that I think I want and what's actually a soul desire? And that leads us then so beautifully. So we already know are yeses and our nos. We then start to identify what it is that we truly desire. And then we go into rejection and, and again, it's like, it's like. Wow. Because that's like one of the core fundamentals that holds us back as human beings from really opening to then even receive what it is that we really want. Because if we're so afraid of rejection, we are never going to be able to live this rich, pleasure filled life that we truly, truly desire. And so where the idea of that came from, I remember. This was years ago when I still worked in the corporate world. I remember I listened to this, it was probably a TED talk by someone like this Ted Talk, and I remember he went and he, every single day he would do something ridiculous to he. He did this own experiment. And he would like go and ask, like at McDonald's he'd be like, can I have a burger refill, AKA, can I just have a free burger? He'd ask people in the street, can I have a hundred dollars? He'd ask for free upgrades at the airport. And I was like, this is wild. And I was like, obviously. And as, as someone who's always been like a keen, like nerd and experimenter, I used to do a New Year's resolution every month. And so one of my months I was like, I'm just gonna get rejected every single day. I'm gonna try and I'm gonna asked for something every single day and collect notes. And I can tell you that when I first started doing that, when I received a note, I genuinely had like, like sometimes like for. The best example I have is I would ask for a free upgrade at at the airport. The person would say, no. I literally would then have to go to the bathroom and cry. Like that is how conditioned my nervous system was to taking a no, like personally. And so I would make the no means something about me. And now when I bring a tantric lens to this. Is that what are, what is actually happening is, is like, okay, well what is the pain that's here? Like, let me look at, let, let me look underneath and see what the pain is that's here. And in that it was like, oh, I'm making it mean. What am I making the no mean? I'm making it mean that I'm bad for asking, so therefore I don't feel worthy of this desire. That's the key to what I need to work on for my greatest enlightenment. So it's almost doing two things when we're asking for the rejection piece. Number one, it's, it's, it's building the nervous system resilience because we learn to regulate ourselves. Through receiving a no. And every single time I keep receiving nos, it gets easier and easier to receive it. But two, it's giving us clues to that greatest enlightenment by seeing where, where am I? Where am I not in my wholeness, like where am I making this mean? Something about me am my ego rather than like the truth of who I am at my core being, which is ultimately. Worthy of my divine desires. And, and in tantra, our desires are said to like, you know, desires are divinely inspired. Our desires are part of our path to enlightenment. And it's not about receiving the actual desire, it's about who we become and so rejection is such a core part. I'm making all of the faces over the side of the screen because you've given me an aha, and so I'm just gonna share the aha for you and for the audience., This thing about, I want something and because I want something and there is a no on the other end. I am bad for wanting number one, and I'm bad for asking. Number two, I went through two bouts of pretty severe anorexia with some really. Painful pain in the in between phase. And my earliest learning way before that was I am bad for wanting food and I am bad for asking for food. And actually in the, when I was like five or six, I, I'm bad for pinching food out of the cupboard. And. It is only just in listening to you that I have really realized how deep that story was and it links to a question I was planning on script to ask you, which was around how nervous people get to ask for their desires in the sexual plane. Hmm. And I'm just making some links now in listening to you, between that baseline first belief and. All of the ways in which anorexia being a restrictive disease, all of the ways in which pleasure, desire has been restricted. I remember when I first came into the coaching space, was the first time that I recognized that I was the only person I knew that hadn't ever done a desire or vision board, because I didn't think I was allowed to want. What a learning on a podcast. I'm even like just letting that land in my own body because I think that's so power. Like,, I think this is something a lot of us don't even really realize is that, is that there is this, for many, many, many of us, this conditioned shame of wanting this conditioned shame of desiring this conditioned shame of longing and that often. We might not have had the perfect caregivers who could actually meet the needs that we have and the desires that we had younger. So we learn, you know, and, and maybe sometimes we were met with anger and aggression. And so then we learn like, I'm bad for wanting this. I'm bad for asking this. Like, my mom's too busy to, to give this to me and now she's yelling at me, so I must have done something wrong. So I am bad. But actually. It's, it's, it's not about us. And I think the thing that we really get and the, the gift that Tantra has really given me is the ability to recondition a lot of this old patterning. And, and it really makes me think, and, and you know, in, in boundaries, you know, that if someone says no to our desire, it's actually. So there are two things I really wanna share on this. Actually. When someone says no to our desire is number one, like two ways to really not take it personally, even though it's really fucking hard. It is. One tantric reframe is really that. Actually, they're just honoring themselves. And that's a gift because rather than people pleasing you, like so many of us are conditioned to do, and this is something like so key that I really wanna share is that rather like it is, boundaries are such a gift when we share them with someone else and when we honor them within ourselves and when someone else gives us a boundary. When someone else tells us, no, that is the biggest gift because it's actually. Keeping the relationship container that you're in, whether it's romantic, whether it's friendship, it's keeping that sa safe, sacred, and like honest. Because what often happens is we cross our own boundaries in relationships. We don't honor them. We don't say no because we're afraid someone will get upset when we say no. So then we. We just kind of people please. And that's when resentment builds up and that's when relationships break down. And so one of the biggest gifts that we can give anybody is our true yes. And our true no. And that's why we always start with boundaries when we talk about, and when we teach the fundamentals. And so that's, that's like. The, so the biggest thing that we can also give to someone else is permission for them to say no is permission for them to honor their boundaries. So if even like if you were to take one thing away from this podcast, I would say like, let's give people permission to say no. And the less that we can take it personally, the less like the more that we can sit in our like worthiness and that even if somebody says no to this desire. That I'm still worthy of it, that from a tantric perspective, you know, like this desire is actually just coming from the divine and like coming through me is like part of my enlightenment. And you know, some people are like, is this my ego or is this my soul? And I'm like. Sometimes you don't know. And the, the, the journey is like, then you find out along the way and there's nothing, you know, maybe it was an ego desire, maybe, you know, I wanted that sexual experience with that particular person and it was like eating the most delicious ice cream. But then afterwards I realized like, maybe that wasn't the most fulfilling thing, and then maybe it wasn't a soul desire and it was my ego and like, great, I learned something like, cool, okay, next time I do it differently rather than like. Holding onto it. And so when we can feel that worthiness. So that's, that's the first thing that I really wanna say, share. But then the second thing, when it comes to like this, like this nervous system resilience around nose. So the first is like really giving people permission to say no and like really seeing it, that it honors, it honors the safety of your relationship. When someone says no to you. And it's beautiful. And then the second thing is that I love to see in the tantric reframe here is really that every rejection, every no is a redirection to what is actually in alignment for you. So if it's a no in like an interview for a job. A better job that's most aligned for you is coming. If it's a no in a relationship for someone that you like, were like, oh, I thought this was it. The one, it means something even better, more aligns for your path of enlightenment is coming. Like really, really like seeing every No as a redirection to the best fuck yes. Of your life. You would be amazed that the more that you ask for the things that you desire, whether they're ego, whether they're soul led. The more you will learn about yourself and the more that you will actually receive the life that you really desire, and it's the, it's, it's the, it's the key. The reason my life is so fucking magical is I am unapologetic about the things that I ask for. I ask for the most outrageous, the most outrageous things, whether it's sexually, whether it's in business, whether it's financially abundance like I am outrageous. In the things that I ask for and the opportunities and the yeses that I have had have been beyond my wildest imagination, and that is like, oh, that is like the gift that Tantra has really given me is that. Because it's freedom. It's like tantra is the deepest path of liberation for me personally, and it's the fastest path I've ever experienced to liberation because we're truly like living it and embodying it and living it day by day by day, not just in the bedroom, but throughout our lives and. Damn. Is it good? Damn. Is it good? I think that that's probably a good summary of this episode. I feel quite tempted for us to, to pause it there because I think this is just been such nuggets of gorgeous, delicious wisdom and. I suppose I'm curious on that basis, I'd love to know your parting message for the listeners or maybe even the parting message that you need to give yourself today. What is that? I think it's just so aligned, like the feeling that I have is that, that it is so aligned with the title of your podcast as well, you know, is like. Really, for anybody listening, and I know you're listening to this for this exact reason, but keep coming home to yourself. There will be so many things that try, like the narratives that we have, the conditioning, so the, the history, the experience. There'll be so many things that try and knock us out of our center and that. The core is really to keep coming home to yourself because that is true liberation. And for me, that is what Tantra has really gifted me along with the most epic sex life and the deepest, most devotional partnership of my life, which is, which is beautiful in its rawness. And, and really like, and really if you are curious, like come, come, play, come, come listen to the podcast that we have, come to one of our in-person events, come join my newsletter. I send tantric juicy tantric practices every week. Follow me on Instagram. I'm live pretty much every week as well because I'm so passionate about really supporting you to. To break free from the patterns, the conditioning that has like kept you stuck from really feeling that magical beauty that is you in your wholeness and that really this life path. And I know all of the things like that you do and the, and and that, that I do and that like so many of us actually as like healers, practitioners, it's all about coming back to the cell. And so Tantra might just be another tool for you to use that will support you to come back to yourself and bring in ecstatic orgasms at the same time. Yeah. That was the most pleasure that you've ever experienced. Like, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. It is like fucking wild. Like the things that I experienced now and that I never knew and, and actually that's what I really want to say. Is that wherever you are in your journey is like, I know that what you deeply desire, whether it is like deep, delicious love for yourself, for others, whether it is like ecstatic orgasmic states, whether like it's possible for you. Like I really cannot stress enough. I went from being the most broken person I thought I knew to now being the most orgasmically alive person that I think I know. And like I am so in awe still, still every day that this is where I am. And, and I just like want you to know like wherever you are on your journey listening to this, that this is so possible for you and that you're you and that you, you're doing amazingly and just keep going and keep coming home to the cell. Yeah. Honey, what a treat. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for being with us and I can't wait for the next time. Listeners, we adore you so much. We think you are luscious. Please reach out with any questions that you have. If you want to be directly connected to Rosa, let us know. If you've loved the episode, please consider sharing it. It makes the biggest. I can't even tell you the biggest difference to getting these gorgeous people out into the world. So thank you, thank you, thank you one and all, and we will connect for another episode soon.

Anthea:

Gorgeous listeners. I hope. You enjoy today's. today's. episode. To find. More about our. Featured guests. Have a look in the show. Notes.