Season 8 Solo Episode - What it takes to let yourself be "seen"

You sweet humans,

Last night, you found me curled up on my sofa leaving you a little podcast love-note... The first solo episode in an entire season of heart-expanding interviews. And, dedicated to a theme that all of you have been asking for:

"What does it take to let myself be truly, deeply, seen?"

Our yearning for visibility is palpable - as a society consistently disconnected from self, body and true connection, we long for it like nothing else. To be witnessed in all our beauty and bumpy humanity; to be held in the moments we feel most tender; to be celebrated for our incredible strides, our "biggest moments"; to become a part of something rooted in love and togetherness. 

We crave it: and by the same token, we ricochet away from it. Fearful, protective, imprinted on a body and mind level to stay wary. 

So, for all of you who have been longing to let loose into being seen - listen in. This is an episode dedicated to your wanting, to understanding your own patterns / preventatives, and to working beyond them. I've offered insight from my own life as well as swathes of clients - sink in with me and see what resonates. Let us know...

And if this deep-dive speaks to you, send it to someone who you think would love to hear it too. Make sure you’re following the show so you don’t miss what’s coming next, and if you’ve been loving the podcast this season, leaving a quick rating or review makes a bigger difference than you think.

Connect with Anthea

Instagram: @‌ab_embodiment

Email: ab.mindbodycoach@gmail.com

Website: https://www.ab-embodimentcoaching.org/

Ax

Transcript

0:17

Sweet creatures. Oh, it's been a while. Um, it's been a while since the last Se- episode that I recorded, and this is a little mini sneak peek treat because as I sit here on a very dusky Thursday evening, I find myself deeply reflective on the theme of visibility. You'll hear the little hum of London in the background, everyone moving out into their revels, and I am here curled up on the sofa just before 10 o'clock at night So inspired by the courage and perseverance and beautiful willingness to express that so many of my clients and the people in my circle at the moment are living into. Actors, and writers, and singers, and performers, and coaches, and business builders, and colleagues, these stunning humans who find inside of themselves the bravery for the voice, and the yearning, and the desire, and the fun, and the play of expression to be bigger and more important to them than their fear. I was asked recently, and I shared it on socials, what it takes to get comfortable with being seen, and it's pertinent not just because it's coming up so much in my client work, but also because I'm giving a whole series of talks on the topic in small private groups, in public events. Our next one is at home studio on the 11th of July. I think there is still tickets. Do come. It's gonna be the most amazing supper club plus deep dive conversation with all of the people there on how they navigate their own authentic visibility, uh, and all of the body mind aspects that both arise in a limiting way, and all of the ways that we can use the body, and use the psyche, and use spiritual connection, and use human connection to offset our hesitations So it's here in the field, this theme, and when I was asked what it really takes by this beautiful person on Instagram, she asked me whether I had always been comfortable with being visible, and I answered very honestly, no, I had not. Um, I had a very patchy childhood, most of which I can't remember, but it set up some very distinct responses to the prospect of being seen. Um- There wasn't space for me to have a full personality or a voice. There wasn't really an opportunity, um, from what I remember, to, in some ways, to, to, to kind of have an opinion and, and, and express preferences and give consent. Um, and so I just remember being wrapped up in another world, in, in, in other people's worlds, and that in order to navigate that context, the most safe and steady thing was to be quiet and somewhat invisible, and to entertain myself with things that were commendable and acceptable, and to really try to avoid doing anything that could cause, um, any retribution or kind of in some ways worse than retribution, the, the, the kind of feeling of insignificance of not being, in some ways, not being welcome. And I say all of this not because that was the deliberate conscious choice of the people involved, more that the young one of me Experience that whole, whole world, uh, some of it imagined and inevitably, and some of it truthful. And y- you come to learn in this line of work that I do very quickly that the mind is a fantastically powerful organ, uh, as is the bodily response. Two things go hand in hand in a wonderful intermingle, and it doesn't matter so much what has technically happened as what has been absorbed and observed, and over time, even that becomes distanced from the original, so that in some ways human beings walk around in a fearful fantasy of what they think they remember. Of course, recreating that constantly or avoiding that constantly. Uh, and so the aggregate was that I became incredibly sensitized to the prospect of, uh, of punishment or judgment or withholding, and that absolutely, you can bet ya, absolutely curtailed my willingness to be seen. Um, it's a, it's a tricky thing, as anyone listening will know, to feel very full as a human being, and also to feel as though that fullness is a problem. Uh, and I became very convinced at a very young age that I was in fact the problem, and that in expressing myself or in, in showing myself, the risk was, was anger, and I then as a result of that, became incredibly avoidant around anger, and it took me really until my 30s to begin to look at a lot of this stuff. You know, you can be, you can be in therapy for years talking through the memories you believe you have, and still if you're a clever munchkin, evade the therapeutic process and all of its depth. Uh, one of the reasons that I'm an uncomfortable coach for people despite my level of love and welcome, is that, um, I see a lot, um- I see a lot, I feel a lot, and when I'm with someone, it is... I just move beyond what they're presenting into their insides, and it happens automatically. I can't really control it. I've learned to dose it. I can feel when someone needs me to pull it back a little. Um, but what, of course, it means is that the work is incredibly revealing on every level. I am fully seen. They are fully seen. There's not really much artifice when you come into the world of Anthea. Um, and that's as much me making myself available for the process as it is you And some people are up for that, and others aren't. You know, I've been reflecting on dating recently. I'm 39, and as many of you know, my dating life has been something I've pretty much evaded, um, over the last however many years that this beautiful business and purpose have been growing. And, you know, I love, I love dating. I find it the most beautiful, charismatic, gorgeous thing. But, um, I definitely haven't devoted myself to it. Uh, I haven't treated it as a devotion in the way that I do many other things. And I was thinking about that, and I was thinking about some of the ways that people in my life have responded, people that I've dated or, you know, we've been doing that dance together, have responded to my quality Um, that although I can be very light and silly and, and quite in the abandon of social decorum, as any of my friends will tell you, um, I can also drop pretty deep pretty quick. Uh, and for some people, that is not comfortable. Um- And it's been my own process to learn that even sometimes my warmth is too warm for people. It, it, you know, it goes beyond what they are used to, uh, what they're, what they're comfortable with. It feels as though perhaps there's something required in relation to it, whereas to be honest, I, I'm just warm 'cause I have a lot of love for other people and for their incredible, courageous ride through this maelstrom of confusing experiences. You know, life is stuffed with so much in the space of a day. So many thousands of micro thoughts and feelings and sensations and interactions and, you know, I just see a lot of people moving around the world really trying to keep those as limited and as anesthetized as possible. It's not surprising. It's a lot. If you were to fully feel it all, would be a lot. Um, you know, no wonder we need meditation. No wonder we need to sweat. No wonder we need to move the body. No wonder we seek to absorb ourselves in, in, uh, love lives and in distractions and in gardening and in numbing, uh, because life can be a lot if you're open to it at its full volume. And part of my seeing and part of my listening and part of my feeling is also, you know, the flip side of it for those that relate to my story. Uh, it's not always easy to pick up on everything, and I don't say that from arrogance either. I'm not presenting it as a hierarchy. It is just truthful that there's a lot of nuance that slips by for other people, and very little nuance slips by me, possibly because of a hypervigilant childhood. Who knows? We don't get to worry about that. And just really trust, and I would advocate that for you. Really, really trust that the, the gifts that you have in the world, you know, as much as they may have been hindrances at a time, they are also, in equal measure, profound gifts, and you will be given ample opportunity in your lifetime to use them as such in your own life and love and process as much as in the lives of others. Let me come back to visibility just for a second and remind you of the sort of baseline statement, which is that in order to get comfortable being seen, A, you have to get comfortable seeing yourself unequivocally. Isn't that fun? And B, uh, you have to be willing to face the fears that you have about what would happen if you got seen, the things that you might fear to lose, the emotional responses in other people that you're scared of triggering. Um, the fact that becoming more visible means you're literally more visible to more people, and if you're someone that's risk-averse or control-oriented or scared of other people's negative judgments, you know, social media shows us that can happen. Um, and so there comes to be this question also of if in a professional sense I, I do allow myself to grow and to be more seen, then I have to recognize that I will become the projected reality of others, and they will, in some spaces and cases, react to that projection in a negative way. It isn't personal to you or to me. You've just become some form of archetype for them, um, and they feel the need, largely unconsciously, to target you as such. Now, the more you can understand that that is deeply, deeply impersonal, the better armed you are to, to be pretty neutral to it actually. Um, the only time that it stings is if they are saying things or, or implying things that tip you into your own wounds. And I always say to clients, you know, "Isn't that fucking fantastic?" That you have greater awareness of an area that hadn't yet fully come to the light and hadn't yet been brought into full loving wholeness. I sort of increasingly move away from the word healed because although I've used it a lot in the past, there's, there's sort of something there that feels very finite, final, this image of, okay, one day I will be totally, uh, stitched up and, and perfectly composed and, you know, all of the tiny fractures will have been painted gold and glued together like fine Japanese pottery. And it sort of happens, and then it also, it sort of doesn't, you know. Being in life is a little bit like rolling around in the mud with another kid. It, it-- There are moments of sublime beautiful giggles at the end of it, but it is also a bit of a ride. And- To be healed is maybe, um, an unrealistic, quite human objective, but to get increasingly whole, full, um not quite balanced, but maybe peaceful in yourself. That feels like a very beautiful goal. To bring home the parts of you that have lived outside of you, that feels like a very beautiful goal And so when you think about these moments where there's a possibility of you being negatively perceived, if you can feel into your wholeness separate from their image, you'll find a huge amount of relief. I think the other thing that really comes up is that a lot of the time when people are resistant to being seen, part of what's happening is they've lived through experiences in their life where they feel as though they haven't been able to defend themselves from negative onslaughts. And that belief that we can't defend ourselves often propitiates one of two approaches. The one is to, to manically and consistently protect oneself, and people can do that in all sorts of ways. People-pleasing is a form of self-protection. Um, uh, hugely independent self-sustaining qualities are a form of self-protection. Uh, ostracizing the rest of the world is a form of self-protection. Uh, dominating your life with one particular thing, AKA work, is a form of self-protection. Avoiding romantic relationships, she says, spotting herself, is a form of self-protection. Um, so we can, we can create that pattern in, in all sorts of places. But what you also find is that alongside that, for people that feel that they have not been able to protect themselves, they also often sort of naturally don't go to create protective structures. So they'll actually make themselves far more available to critique or abuse than somebody who grew up in a healthy sense of esteem that had them believe they were worth defending, that had them believe that they were an equal weight to other people, and, and that in fact, when they were, um, under attack, they would be defended by others. And I'm thinking about things like, you know, within your team, have someone that intercepts your email, so you don't necessarily receive all the emails straight away. Um, on social media, be attentive to the sorts of conversations that you engage in. Um, when you see somebody else gunning for a fight or creating really inflammatory content, think about whether you wanna engage in that. That's not me te- telling you to shy away from your values or your advocacy, but it's to say, when you enter into the ring when someone else is inflamed, be sure that you know that your whole being is consenting, and that you're in enough of a place of alignment, that you're really, uh, clear and centered on how you choose to conduct yourself in that dynamic 'Cause oftentimes people that have felt harmed in the past will walk toward familiar feeling danger. You know, I had that pattern for years. Sort of slightly angry, uh, powerful women were my, they were my domain. I found them fascinating and, and wonderful and, you know, admired so much of the quality of them, of course, that they were stunning and they were able to express, not least, an emotion that I was absolutely repressing inside of myself. But were those also always, uh, healthy, safe choices? No, they weren't, and it's taken some time over a lifetime to realize that. I suppose what I'm saying is this theme is complex, and it's beautiful, and it is absolutely an evolver. You know, the more that you dive in, the more that you expose yourself to visibility consciously, the more you'll learn about your patterns, the more you'll be given the opportunity to move beyond them. You can't practice this stuff behind the scenes. You can get a certain way in, in shifting and envisioning and, and, and in journaling and in conversation, et cetera, but the reality is, if you don't put your skin in the game, you'll never really disprove your belief that you wouldn't be safe, or you wouldn't be valued, or you wouldn't be loved enough to become truly, truly seen. You've gotta get into life rather than sitting on the sidelines. It's where all the fun is. It's also, of course, where the complexity is. So if, as you're listening to this, you know that you're sitting on the sidelines, you know that, um, on a body level, on a nervous system level, on a psychological level, on an identity level, you're living inside of a timid, frozen, numb or hesitant person, my advocacy, my invitation for you is to also feel the small whisper of excitement and naive hope that says, "I really would love... I really, really would love to grow into this part of myself that also adores the limelight." And as you hear that voice, see if that could not only grow stronger, but if you could really make contact with the timid one, and if you could really sit and visual with her for a little time to keep her in tenderness- And to allow her to feel that she is seen in all the things that she feels that she experienced. A lot of this is about honoring the past enough that you learn to drop into the present in which it no longer exists. But too many of us are living right now still through a template of the past, one which keeps them blocked, and hidden, and fearful, and pandering. And I criticize none of that. I just know that you're available for more, and that ultimately quite a lot of this is giving back the artificial sense of others being more powerful than you, giving them back responsibility for their feelings, giving them back the autonomy of their own beliefs, and judgments, and choices, and you becoming responsible for your own in your full size, in your full age, and in the full wingspan of the beauty that you hold. So that's my wish for you, and if you're having trouble, or you've got questions, or there's something that comes up as you listen to this, please reach out. We love hearing from you guys. Um, you'll find me on socials at AB underscore Embodiment, super jazzy, So I'm gonna love you, and I'm gonna temporarily pause you for now. Uh, look forward, my loves, to an incredible Season 9. It's been such a rollercoaster of beauty to record it. We've had the most incredible in-person conversations. It's been such a gift. These beautiful people that I get to canoodle with on the sofa at the Bingham River House, we have adored our residency there. It is the most beautiful venue of all venues. If you have not been, please go. They're an amazing B Corp hotel and wellness venue situated on the river in Richmond. Um, they have a membership. They have the most divine staff and the most incredible gourmet meals. You will absolutely love it. It's the perfect place to take people if you're wanting a little cheeky treat, they've got a little infrared sauna and treatments and all the goods. So go and find them. Um, and stay tuned for Season 9. We're recording Season 10 right now, so you're set for a really beautiful year, and I cannot be more grateful, could not want for a more incredible audience and listenership. Please let us know how you're doing. I send you love.