125. The Habit that Controls Everything - Habits in the Wild Series - Mindset

Welcome to Part 3 of the Habits in the Wild series — and today we’re talking about the anchor that quietly controls every other habit: mindset.

Not mindset as “positive vibes.” Not personality. Not willpower.

This episode is about what happens after things go sideways — the moment you eat something you didn’t plan for, skip a workout, snap at someone, or order takeout… and then your brain starts telling a story about what that means.

Because the habit that breaks everything isn’t always food or exercise.

It’s the way you talk to yourself when the day doesn’t go as planned.

In this episode, Dr. Stacy breaks down:

• Why most “failure” moments are small — and why the spiral after is the real problem
• How self-talk triggers shame, cortisol, and impulsive decisions
• Why “just get back on track” doesn’t work when you’re already in fight-or-flight
• The calm anchor as a gatekeeper habit for eating, moving, and staying consistent
• Two ways to use calm: the background self-talk interruption + intentional nervous system downshifts
• Simple kind thoughts and practical reset ideas you can use in real life (especially before dinner)

If you can’t fix the day, you can still regulate your body — and that pause is the habit.

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Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome back to the podcast. We are on part three of our Habits in the Wild series. And I wanted to do this series, this Habits in the Wild, because most people do not fail their habits because they don't care. They just don't. They fail because their habits are designed for perfect conditions. And we don't live in perfect conditions.

We live in real life where there's hormones and stress and work and kids and fatigue and emotional breakdowns and, like, really good stuff in the pantry that sometimes calls to us. Okay.

So I want to wrap up the series talking about our mindset. And it's not really something that you would think of as a habit, but it is one habit that quietly controls the rest. Okay? Because the habit that breaks everything is not always food or exercise and motivation. It's the way we talk to ourselves when things go sideways. Okay?

So if you're thinking, like, another episode telling me to be nice to myself, just stay with me because it's really not about that. It's not about personality or positivity or willpower. It's about just what happens when our brain starts to tell us we're wrong or we failed. Okay?

So again, this is not a habit that you would think about, but it really is controlling all the rest of them. So it's like working in the background, and it is setting the stage or setting the tone for the other habits.

So I do want to take time, and it is why I make it one of the anchors. So our anchor of this eat, move, calm really is like our nutrition and our movement and our mindset because when our brain starts to spiral, it all falls apart.

And those spirals almost always start with one small moment that didn't go as planned. Very rarely when we go off the rails or fall off the wagon, however we want to say it, it's very rarely like one big event. It's usually not something giant. And we usually don't really fall off, okay? It's this one moment that didn't go as planned.

So either we ate something we didn't intend to, right? So somebody brought something into the office, we ate one cookie, or we skipped a workout, or we didn't have the energy to finish the workout that we wanted to do, or we were just really tired and things were going wrong and we ordered takeout. Even if it's something that we identified as okay for us, or we snapped at someone and then we felt bad, right? So there's like shame or guilt or something.

So the problem isn't that moment, it's what happens next. Because we start to tell a story about ourselves to ourself. Okay? Something like, I always mess up. See, I can't do this. Why did I do that? Like, why do I even try? I can't stick to anything. I can't control my temper. Like, I never have enough energy. Like, everything's awful. I'll just start over Monday.

Okay, so it's that inner voice, that tone, that slight bit of an Eeyore, right? That's the habit. And that habit quietly controls the other habits.

So what's actually happening in your body is when we have those types of thoughts, right, like I just can't do it, I can't stick to it, like why did I do that? I knew this wasn't going to work. What actually happens in our body is that self-talk triggers shame, right? So that triggers a feeling. That feeling, right, spikes cortisol, our stress hormone.

That cortisol, along with that feeling, then we're gonna have some actions from that, right? So either we're going to give into those cravings, we're gonna be more impulsive, we're gonna have increased fatigue, whatever it is. And then our brain has the thought, I've already blown it. I might as well keep going, right? Like forget it, today's over. I already ate something I wasn't supposed to eat. And then we're in like a screw it spiral.

And it's not because we're weak or we lack discipline or any of that, okay? It's because our nervous system is now driving the bus, and we're in this, like, primitive brain part. And harsh talk, like, just get back on track doesn't work, okay? Because we're already kind of in fight or flight, right? When we are in, you we like to call it the Fs, right? When we're in fight or flight or big feeling, it's really hard to tap back into our rational brain that is telling us it's okay, that we made, like, that it didn't go exactly as planned.

So when we are not feeling calm, when we are in that shame spiral, we are really out of our rational brain. It makes it really, really hard to make good rational decisions.

So when I'm saying be calm or have better self-talk, it's not fluffy and it's not passive and it's not like, I just won't care. It's really about regulating and putting the stop on this spiral that can then we're off track, right?

When we are in that shame spiral and we're in our big F feelings and we are not able to tap into our rational brain, when we are in that fight or flight, it is then really easy to just go off the rails and sort of go face down in food or whatever it is.

So this mindset, this calm, this noticing our self talk and being aware is a gatekeeper habit. Okay, so that's how I want you to think of it. It's like this baseline thing.

And when our nervous system is calm, and we have calm by not spiking our cortisol, which means saying nicer things to ourselves, right? Just this idea of stop saying like, I ruined it. You didn't ruin it. All right. That calm is the gatekeeper habit.

And when our nervous system is calm, we can make better neutral decisions. We can choose the next step easier. We can eat normally at the next meal because we're not still spiraling about whatever happened before. We can still get up and move our body a little bit and it not be punishment, right? Which then starts a whole different spiral of training our brain that movement is punishment for whatever perceived misdeed we did, okay? We can continue the day without burning it down, all right?

So we don't need to calm down forever, but we need to pause long enough to interrupt this spiral.

And so this mindset piece is important, and it's important for two reasons. Number one, I'm talking about it right now with our Habits in the Wild series, it's like this baseline habit. Intentionally finding reasons, like making it a more intentional habit, something like meditating, has all different health benefits.

I'm talking about it as this baseline, behind the scenes, self-talk calm habit. There is also the forefront intentional, I'm going to do mindset work, more like meditation and calming, which they're both very important.

But for the Habits in the Wild series, what we're talking about today, I want you to think about it more as this background, all right? This thing that's happening in the background that is really the gatekeeper to all of our other habits.

And so when we can recognize our self-talk and interrupt it, that is like the background-based calm. And then if we are having a hard time doing that, we can flip to our more intentional focused calm and try and restore the system that way.

So if we have already, like it's too late, we are in fight or flight, big feelings, and we're in this nervous system spiral, we can have these planned calm nervous system down shifts in our day to help reset the system that way.

So I do love when people have these as planned moments of the day with intentionality. So I also love when we can recognize it in true time with our self-talk when it's happening as our baseline calm habits.

Okay, so I hope I'm not confusing you by talking about them in two different ways, but we have this baseline background thing that is the gatekeeper to our other habits, and I want us to be aware of it because it is influencing our other habits. And then we have this intentional practice of calm that also helps reset the system.

So if we're not having an easy time of pausing and interrupting the spiral sort of with our background stuff, we can take these moments of more intentionality and reset the system that way. So it's like hacking the system, okay?

So in addition to all the other benefits we get from these intentional calm mindset things that we do, like meditation, so many benefits, the other benefit is that it's helping reset that background system as well.

So a calm anchor would be something like one calm anchor interrupting thought that is kind that can interrupt the spiral, or one nervous system downshift per day. Okay, so we can attack it either way. I hope this is making sense.

So this is not a meditation streak or like a morning overhaul routine. This is like, and not even like I'm now calm all the time, okay? That's not what this is.

It's one interruption so we can interrupt the shame spiral that's happening as our background, or we can have this one intentional downshift per day. Or if you want to be an overachiever, we can do both. But one is more than fine, okay?

So let's talk about a kind thought, okay? Here is one. I'm going to give you a couple that might be helpful.

So if we have a misstep, okay? If we ate something we didn't want to eat or our workout didn't go as planned or we forgot our gym bag or we forgot our planned meal, whatever it is, whatever misstep we are interpreting, we can just say, I didn't fail, it's alright. A pause is not a failure. The next best thing I can do is whatever, okay? A pause is not a failure.

If we forgot our gym bag, we have already set ourselves up for success with these other opportunities to move and we know that they count. Okay? That's the mindset, right? We know that they count.

That's our nervous system downshift. That is our psychology moment of the day that we decide that counts. Taking a breath is not quitting. Eating the next meal normally is not giving up. We do not need to punish or berate ourselves for one misstep.

It is okay to, like, forgive, forget, and do the next best thing. That is regulating. Okay. That is not failing.

We do not need to beat ourselves up in order to, like, make it count. I don't know. I don't know where that piece comes from where we feel like we really have to berate ourselves for a misstep and the hope that it won't happen again.

Missteps are going to happen because we're human beings, and human beings are flawed, and they make mistakes. So instead of berating yourself so that you, like, you know you won't do it next time, just be like, hey, or whatever. A misstep happens, no biggie. I'll do better at the next meal.

And that can help keep you out of that fight or flight. That can keep you out of the shame spiral, and that is huge, okay? That one habit changes everything, right?

Because now, having that little mindset shift and being able to talk nice to ourselves when we have a misstep, because my favorite actually thought is humans are flawed, okay? I'm not perfect, and it's okay. Nobody is. I'll do better next time.

That's it. That's all you need to say. And then we stop that spiral, we do better at the next meal, we do better at the next workout, whatever it is, and we protect that new identity. We protect that habit, okay?

And this is why people who stay consistent are not doing more, okay? But they are getting ahead because they're spiraling less. That's it. They're just spiraling less. They're interrupting it.

So we either interrupt it with that mindset of, like, recognizing what's going on. I'm getting sort of like into the Fs. I need to remind myself that I'm a flawed human, and it's like a pause. It's not a failure. I can do better at my next meal. Stop the spiral.

Or if we're having trouble with that, we can set something on our phone where we do kind of recapture that mindfulness piece and calm our nervous system down.

And that might be a one minute meditation or some box breathing or whatever that is. One calming practice per day can really make a big difference.

I find in the wild, in real life, a lot of times we're having trouble at dinner. Okay, so either we've done great at breakfast and lunch, maybe even made our workout, maybe our opportunities to move have counted and we're doing well, but the stress of the day builds up by the end. And then dinner is where we're in this mindset of like, forget it, I'll start tomorrow.

And so if you were going to do one of these intentional times of like resetting your nervous system, I think maybe the drive home from work, or it's like in car line, picking up the kids, whatever it is, sometime in that late afternoon.

Set a timer on your phone, just do some breathing and resetting your nervous system however works for you. All right, so sometimes that's driving home in silence, don't be scared, okay? Sometimes that is just doing some breathing.

Maybe you listen to a meditation app while you're in car line, you know, don't close your eyes and meditate on your drive, but we can do wakeful meditation. We can do a walking meditation. We could do that before we get in the car to drive home or before we go in the house when we get home.

So just every step, so foot down is like a breathe in and foot up is a breathe out, right? So we can do this very slow walking meditation, something like that.

So some intentional reset, I think it's best in the afternoon. You do you, whatever it works for you.

But shot stopping that shame spiral is gonna be the habit change, that habit anchor that sets you up for success with all the rest.

All right, so one job after this episode, maybe two, but I want you to know that if you can't fix the day, you can still regulate your body. So if we can't fix the full day, we can still do that intentional nervous system calming.

We can do slow exit, hail. We can walk around the block. We can put our feet on the ground, do some grounding. We can drink water and sit down. We can tell ourselves, like, we can take a brain break, right? I don't need to decide anything else today. I can wait till tomorrow, all right?

The pause is the habit, all right?

So, I hope these anchors have helped you. Eating less, moving more is not it, right? We're gonna have a little bit of a protein anchor, we're gonna have a little bit of an opportunity to move, and we're gonna recognize that our nervous system might need to be reset so that we can stop the spiral.

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Until next week, bye guys.