How to provide support to your child/relative/friend if they are in a relationship with a Narcissist

Watching someone you care about being subjected to emotional, financial or even physical abuse at the hands of their narcissistic partner/spouse can be heart-breaking and unbearable - particularly if the 'victim' is your child.

It is so much easier to recognise the existence of narcissistic abuse when you are on the outside looking in. But when your loved one is caught in the web of narcissistic abuse they are often the last person to realise what the are being subjected to. Trauma bonding can result in you vehemently defending your abuser, failing to recognise that you are caught in a highly toxic and dangerous relationship. When you are trying to provide support this can create friction between yourself and the victim, causing your relationship to be strained.

If you want to support your loved one and help them extricate themselves from this abusive relationship it is important that you do not allow yourself the become alienated, particularly as the narcissist will be keen to isolate their partner from any support network, ensuring that they are totally dependent on the narcissist. Handle your loved one with care, helping them to take things at their pace and providing them with support and guidance. Help them to make their own decisions and see through the love bombing to recognise that their partner is someone incapable of unconditional love, in fact incapable of love at all.

This podcast will help you provide support without playing into the narcissist's hands and pushing your loved one away as you look on with despair at the toxicity to which they are being subjected. It will help you assess your role and how you can help draw them away from the lure of the narcissist.

Transcript

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How to Leave a Narcissist, the practical podcast from KGW Family Law.

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My name is Karen Walker, family lawyer, mediator, arbitrator, trainer and published author and owner of niche family law practice KGW Family Law. Having advised and supported separating couples for over 30 years, I've developed a specialism in dealing with cases involving narcissistic abuse where conflict is inevitably high. In this series of podcasts with the assistance of my guests, all experts in their field, I shall be exploring exactly what you need to know when leaving a narcissist and how best to secure your future. On this podcast, we're going to look not at the situation if you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, but what if the victim is actually your friend, your sibling, your other relative, or more particularly your child. The pain of watching somebody in a narcissistic toxic relationship can be completely unbearable. And very often others looking in are much more able to see what's going on, to see that the relationship is bad, to see that their loved one is in a really difficult position. But the person who's embroiled in the toxic relationship is so sucked in to their rather unpleasant normal situation that they can't see what's going on at all and more importantly can't see a way out of it. They probably don't even think that there's a problem. Addiction to a relationship is exactly the same as addiction to a substance like alcohol, drugs or something similar. And it can be just as difficult to break away from that addictive draw to something which is undesirable and very often quite dangerous. When you're looking into a relationship like this, when you can see that perhaps your friend, your relative or your child has found a partner who is emotionally, financially, perhaps even physically abusive. Your first reaction is to want to extricate them from that and to protect them from something which you can see is really damaging. It can be even more difficult if there are children involved. But when you're met with somebody who doesn't want to be rescued from this situation, who actually thinks that the relationship is fine and is persevering desperately to regain that pedestal position in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, who performs that cycle of love bombing, then devaluing, then discarding, and then repeat, the person in the relationship is constantly craving that support. pedestal position and striving to make the relationship work. It's quite common for people to say oh nobody's good enough for my son or daughter and the relationship between children, their partners and their parents can be very difficult but when you're in a relationship which is narcissistic that difficulty really is compounded. If it's your friend or your sibling you may find that periodically they're drawing you in to perhaps talk about walking on edge shells or finding things slightly strange with their partner but not really understanding what the problem is. You may find yourself as a shoulder to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, somebody to provide support but not really in a position to give advice or guidance because that may well be rejected. Remember that narcissists behave in the same way to everyone. So if you're part of this family dynamic, whether you are a parent or some other relative or just a friend, close friend, The partner of the person in the narcissistic relationship is going to behave to you in exactly the same way as they do to everyone else. So you're going to be subjected to love bombing, devaluing, discarding and sucked into their narrative in a way which becomes really quite damaging to the family as a whole. That creates quite a scary situation. One of the first things that you need to remember if you find yourself in this position is that actually you're powerless to do too much about it until the person you're trying to salvage from this difficult situation wants to be saved from it and has hit the point where they realise that something really is very, very wrong. Until then, all you can really do is be there, be supportive, be available, be a listening ear. Try to point them in a direction which will enable them to see what's going on. Try to help them understand that this toxicity is not normal. Their day-to-day life, which is from the outside looking in seems so problematic but for them has become their normal really isn't normal and is something that they need to remove themselves from. It can be a very very slow process. Those who find themselves in this type of relationship can often take four, five, six or even seven attempts to leave. like an addiction, it's something that it's very difficult to step aside from and just when you think that you might have summoned the strength to pull yourself in a different direction, you're lured back by that love bombing, that desire to feel how you do when you're put on that pedestal and so the circle goes round and round. If you are the parent of somebody in this sort of situation or a friend, what might be useful is to keep a journal of things that you've observed and the dates when things have happened which you can see are really not right. Later on, when they find themselves able to do something about this, those notes that you have kept may prove to be invaluable, particularly in the context of Financial Remedy or Children Act proceedings. Detail can often be highly relevant. A pattern of behavior can be very, very important. Narcissists are very good at blame shifting. And so when a relationship does come to an end, they will very definitely point the finger at their partner to present them as the perpetrator of the difficulties which present themselves. Very often, if someone has an addictive personality, regrettably, they may have found some form of codependence to get themselves through this toxic relationship. And often that can be some form of substance abuse or something which alongside the toxic relationship can be damaging and dangerous to them and to their family as a whole. That's why it can be very important to be there as a support so that perhaps they can use you as something with which they can be codependent, something that enables them to use you as the crutch to get them through the situation. What you need to look out for when you're assessing whether this might be a narcissistic relationship is the narcissist playbook. of course people can be in difficult relationships without necessarily narcissistic personality disorder being prevalent but if you look at the specific behaviors of somebody suffering from narcissistic abuse and see whether they are in fact attributed to the relationship about which you have concerns you will gradually learn to understand how you can help and how you can provide the support to enable the victim of this relationship to recognize or it is they've been subjected to and ultimately to pull themselves away from it. Remember that just because you can see the obvious they can't. Remember that it's important not to push them because if you do the only likely result is that you push them away and obviously that's not what you want and definitely not what is good for them. They need to have somebody who's in their corner, who's in the sidelines and who can help them recognise the situation that they are dealing with. A very common trait of a narcissist is to try to isolate their partner from their friends and from their family. So bear in mind that they may be endeavouring to put a wedge between you and your friend or your sibling or your child. They don't want them to have a support network. They will be looking for reasons to devalue you, to persuade their partner to discard you so that they can have them in their absolute control. From the outside looking in, that's going to be even more alarming from your perspective. And you're going to need to try to stay two steps ahead of the narcissist so that you remain in the close proximity of the person you're trying to support. It's really important that you don't find yourself in a situation where they discard you, thereby leaving them even more vulnerable. even more isolated and firmly in the control of somebody whose ability to control them is really quite toxic. Try to maintain your relationship with your friend or relative or child to the best of your ability, even if you can sense that they're pushing you away. Do everything that you can to stay, hang on in there, to keep that dialogue going with them, to remain their lifeline. Look at support that you can have. There's lots of information available online. There are support groups for people who are in this position. There are support groups for the relatives of people who find themselves in an abusive relationship. Often it's helpful to gain support from others who find themselves in similar situation. The one thing to remember is that it's really not easy to be a supportive person. Your support may be rejected. That can be very hurtful. You see yourself as wanting to do the very best for somebody who's special, who's an important person in your life. And it can be heartbreaking to watch their demise little by little. way in which narcissistic people work is very similar to putting a frog into a pan of boiling water if you put a frog into boiling water it will hop out but if you put it into cold water and turn the heat up very very very gently eventually it will die this is the process to which your loved one is being subjected. This is what you are having to watch and what you are feeling screaming in your head. Why can't they see what you can? Why can't they leave this person? Why can't they get their life back on track? But it's really not as simple as that. The lure of the narcissistic personality is extremely strong. They find people who are suitable for their requirements who allow them to feel that this person is special is highly regarded is successful is very attractive because that suits their narrative it enables them to show to the outside world that here they are with this very wonderful person and it suits their own narrative because in their own mind they feel this is somebody who is intelligent bright able yet controlled by me That's what they want to do. That's the important part of the very unpleasant relationship which they create. It's from that that they gain their narcissistic supply. That's what they won't want to lose. And they're going to hang on to your loved one as tightly as they can, because it's really important for their continued existence that they don't lose a very vital element of narcissistic supply. And their most significant other is going to be the prime source of that supply. So you might see yourself as actually lined up in a battle with this person to try to pull the victim in the middle away from that control. Now to go in all guns blazing is not going to achieve that. To try to point out to your loved one that they're in a toxic relationship, that this person is no good for them is not going to work either because more than likely it's Your loved one is going to reject your advice and your observations and take the view that actually you're the one with the problem. They're fine. Their partner was right. You're nasty. You haven't got their best interests at heart. And that's going to pull them back towards their narcissistic partner. And you're going to feel, as I've said earlier, entirely powerless, quite impotent, quite unable to do anything about it. And if the person involved is somebody that's really close to you, that's going to be extremely difficult. Take it slowly. make sure that you very gently query aspects of the narcissist's behaviour that you think are wrong. If you see that they've been highly critical, if you can see that they are being isolated from their friends, that perhaps somebody who's been a close friend of theirs for years is suddenly starting to be rejected and you find out that actually it's the narcissist who's been drip feeding, little criticisms of that friend, to destroy the friendship and to isolate their partner even more. Just gently question that. Ask them to reflect. Somebody who's involved with a narcissist will be empathetic. That's why they've been selected. They will also be capable of self-reflection. Probably deep down, they'll realize that they've been walking on eggshells. If they pause to think, they may see that behavior patterns are not as they should be. that the sort of behaviour to which they're being subjected isn't normal, doesn't compare to the relationships that perhaps their friends have with their partners. Perhaps the way that their children are being treated feels wrong. Narcissists will have a golden child, a scapegoat, and if more than two children, an invisible child. They'll spin that relationship, causing the children always to strive to be the golden child and to seek their narcissistic parents' approval. Ask your loved one to think about how the children are being treated by their narcissistic parent. Get them to stop and pause. Allow them to have some quiet time away from this relationship. Perhaps encourage them to spend a day with you doing something different. Persuade them that they need a bit of time out, that perhaps they can go and go for a walk with you. Don't question them, but just let them talk. And then ask them to consider what it is that they've been saying. Trigger that self-reflection. Be there if they need you. Be there if they need someone to talk to. But don't grab with both hands the moment when you think there's a glimmer of an opportunity that they might be seeing life as it really is and try to push them into leaving their partner there and then. It's a really gradual process and all you can do is be there. If they reach the point where slowly and gently they have started to question the relationship they're in, they have started to recognize that actually they are quite isolated. They are constantly criticized. They're constantly having to seek their partner's approval. They feel controlled. Something is not right. If it's a very abusive relationship, there may be an instance of perhaps unusual cameras in the home and perhaps some financial abuse. Perhaps they're financially abusing you if you are the parent of this person. Perhaps they are looking to borrow money from you, perhaps to take their victim partner on a very special holiday, or they haven't quite got enough money to pay the mortgage this month, which has gone up hugely, but perhaps you can help. Keep a note of all of these things, as I've said earlier, because gradually the jigsaw puzzle will piece together. And gradually, slowly, hopefully, the victim will have their glasses lifted from their face, those rose-tinted glasses that all victims of narcissistic abuse seem to put on during the relationship so they can't see the toxicity in which they're living. Once they've taken that step once they've realized that this isn't what they want this is actually quite dangerous that there might even be some emotional abuse which is being directed towards their children Actually pulling away from a narcissist is really difficult. As I said, it can take multiple attempts to do that. And when they do, because the narcissist is so concerned about losing this significant other, losing this narcissistic supply, they're going to be subjected to narcissistic rage. Now, narcissistic rage is blind rage. It's a desire to annihilate. It's very, very difficult to withstand. And often the victim will thing actually maybe going back to life as it was it wasn't great but it was an existence and it felt slightly better than this horrible raging behaviour which has arisen now you need to be there to enable them to fight through that to see that the rage will subside to see that the best way to terminate narcissistic abuse is is to show the narcissist that you're not under their control anymore that you are powerful in your own right and you can do that much more easily if you have a strong support group around you be that family be that friends people who are there to help and protect you and so if your friend your relative your child is in this situation that's the best support that you can provide that you help them recognise what it is they're going through, that you allow them gently to have that self-reflection. that you support them as they try to pull themselves away, that you're there when they're enduring narcissistic rage, that you show them that they can regain the self-confidence that they've lost, that they can regain control of their life and that they can show the narcissist that they don't have power over them anymore. And there will then eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel, both for your loved one and also for you.

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How to leave a narcissist, the practical podcast from KGW Family Law.