#36: Relationship OCD Explained - When Obsessive Doubt Takes Over Your Relationship

Can your romantic relationship withstand the relentless scrutiny of obsessive doubts?

It is the run up to OCD awareness week and on this solo episode of Hello Therapy, Dr Liz White uncovers the intricacies of Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), a form of OCD that centers around doubts and intrusive thoughts about relationships.

Explore the key symptoms that might indicate you or someone you know is grappling with ROCD, such as persistent doubts, compulsive reassurance seeking, and disruptive intrusive thoughts. The episode explains the two types of ROCD: relationship-focused and partner-focused, providing examples of each. Dr. White details how the relentless nature of ROCD differentiates it from general relationship anxiety. Whether you're experiencing ROCD or looking to support a loved one, this episode is packed with valuable insights. Highlights include:

00:34 Understanding Relationship OCD (ROCD)
02:06 Types of ROCD: Relationship-Focused
03:55 Types of ROCD: Partner-Focused
09:40 Differentiating ROCD from Relationship Anxiety

WATCH THE VIDEO OF THIS EPISODE HERE

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The Hello Therapy podcast and the information provided by Dr Liz White (DClinPsy, CPsychol, AFBPsS, CSci, HCPC reg.), is solely intended for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute personalised advice. Please reach out to your GP or a mental health professional if you need support. 

Transcript

Introduction to Hello Therapy

Speaker 1 0:09

welcome to hello therapy, a podcast to help you take charge of your mental health through evidence-based psychological tips and tools straight from the therapy room so that you can live life better. Do I actually love my partner? Am I settling? Are we even compatible?

Types of ROCD: Relationship-Focused

Speaker 1 0:34

If you find yourself constantly doubting your relationship, you may be experiencing something called relationship OCD or ROCD. In this episode, I'm going to take you through what ROCD is, how it shows up and how you can tell whether the doubts about your partner are just anxiety about your relationship or ROCD. So let's dive in. So what is relationship OCD? Well, our OCD is a form of OCD that focuses specifically on someone's relationships, and it can be incredibly isolating and distressing. Our OCD doesn't just affect romantic relationships. It can affect the relationship with your child, your friendships, the relationship you have with religious figures, so any relationship that holds value for you. Today, though, I'm just going to focus on romantic relationships. So if you have ROCD, you can expect to experience unwanted, intrusive thoughts and doubts about your relationship. Now, these thoughts aren't just fleeting worries. They become the focus of your whole emotional energy and attention. Alongside intrusive thoughts and doubts, you will also feel compelled to do certain actions, ie experience compulsions, but more on that later Now.

Speaker 1 2:07

Rocd typically shows up in two distinct ways. First is relationship focused and second is partner focused. So let's take the example of Maria. Maria has been with her partner for around 18 months. Things are going really well and in fact her partner has just asked her to move around 18 months. Things are going really well and in fact her partner has just asked her to move in with him.

Types of ROCD: Partner-Focused

Speaker 1 2:28

Maria is getting really stuck in obsessional thoughts and doubts about whether the relationship is right and she can spend whole days thinking and obsessing over whether she loves her partner enough. She tends to seek a lot of reassurance from her partner, constantly asking him do you think we're right for each other? How much do you love me? How much do you think I love you? She also asks her friends you know, what do you think about my relationship with my partner? Do you think we're compatible? Do you think we're compatible? Do you think we're a good match? But no amount of reassurance helps. So in Maria's example we can see that she is experiencing a lot of doubts about whether her relationship is right, whether she's with the right person, and this is typical of relationship focused ROCD other obsessional, intrusive thoughts that someone might experience with this type of ROCD might be are they the one? Are we compatible? Do they love me enough? Do I love my partner enough? Do I care about my partner enough? It's a relentless loop of questioning that never seems to lead to an answer. Now you can also obsess over past relationships, whether that's your past relationships or your partner's. So, for example, did I make a mistake breaking up with my ex? Is my partner's ex a better match than I am Now?

Speaker 1 3:56

The second type of relationship OCD is partner focused, and this is where you obsess over your partner's perceived flaws, and this can be pretty much anything. So, for example, it may be their tone of voice or any physical characteristic like their nose or their ears or their eyes pretty much anything. You can obsess over their mannerisms, their outlook on life, their values, and these type of obsessions can also be relentless. So let's take James.

Speaker 1 4:29

James is married. He has three children. He has a good marriage. He loves his wife very much, but he is increasingly experiencing persistent unwanted thoughts that she is not intelligent enough. Now he knows deep down that this isn't true. She runs a successful business. They have lots of deep intellectual conversations together and that's one of the things that he loves about their relationship, but yet the thoughts persist. Now he finds these thoughts very, very distressing and he feels a lot of guilt for even having those thoughts in the first place. He has started comparing his wife to other women. So he can just be walking down the street. He sees a woman and wonders I wonder whether she is more or less intelligent than my wife. Now these thoughts are starting to take up a lot of his time. It's interfering with work and, alongside the guilt, he feels a lot of shame. He has not told his wife that he is experiencing ROCD. He worries about what she would think and worries that it would really upset her.

Emotional Toll and Impact on Relationships

Speaker 1 5:39

Now it's important to note, with partner focused obsessional thinking, that these perceived flaws become amplified in your mind. They may or may not be true, they may or may not be deal breakers for the relationship, but the intrusiveness of them and the relentlessness of them can be so distressing. So, instead of feeling content in your relationship, you just end up in a constant state of doubt, and these intrusive thoughts lead to compulsions, and these are behaviors or actions that you feel like you have to engage in in order to reduce the obsessional thoughts, reduce the anxiety, reduce the uncertainty. So you may be doing things like checking your feelings Am I feeling love? What does love actually feel like? You may be monitoring your feelings when you're actually with your partner, or you may be mentally reviewing times that you've had with your partner to check your feelings. At that point in time, you may feel the need to mentally ruminate over this perceived flaw and the evidence for and against. And is it a deal breaker, is it not? And you just get very, very stuck and, like in Maria's example, you may seek reassurance. So this could be from your partner, or it could be from your friends or family, asking them you know do you think we're compatible? What do you think of our relationship? Do you think his nose is too big or too small? And you may also Google things like signs of a good relationship or how to tell if you're compatible with someone, and so on.

Speaker 1 7:26

In my many years of working with people who experience ROCD, I am always struck by the massive emotional toll that it can take on someone. It can really impact your mood and, like with James, you can experience so much guilt and alongside guilt comes shame. I shouldn't be having these thoughts. Why am I having these thoughts? What kind of person has these thoughts about their partner? I must be a bad person. And so you get even more trapped in the obsessional thinking and the compulsive behavior.

Speaker 1 8:03

Rocd can also take a massive toll on your relationship. So if you're like James and you're keeping it to yourself, you're not telling your partner that you're experiencing this, that means that you might be withdrawing slightly from your partner, creating that emotional distance. And when you're not telling your partner, it can feel like you're carrying this massive secret. It's really really hard. So ROCD can make you withdraw from your partner and even avoid certain situations. So, for example, if you are having intrusive thoughts about how big your partner's nose is, then you may avoid looking at your partner or looking at your partner's nose because you don't want to trigger off the intrusive thoughts. Now we also saw in Maria's example that incessant need to seek reassurance from her partner. Now not only is this exhausting for you, but it can also be exhausting for your partner and in some cases it can lead people's partners to feel inadequate or even anxious. So if your partner is someone who also experiences relationship anxiety or feels insecure in themselves or in the relationship, then that might exacerbate those feelings for them.

Differentiating ROCD from Relationship Anxiety

Speaker 1 9:20

Now, on top of all of that, the obsessive nature of those intrusive thoughts and doubts can create emotional distance. When you are stuck in your head, it is hard to be present, and it certainly is hard to be present with your partner, and that in itself can lead to your partner feeling neglected in the relationship. So something that I get asked a lot is how can I tell the difference between relationship anxiety and ROCD? Now, every relationship has those moments where things aren't perfect. Maybe there's conflict, maybe there's arguments going on, and that's going to naturally lead to questioning about the relationship, questioning the connection that you have, particularly at the beginning of a relationship where everything is new and you are trying to work out. Do I want to spend more time with this person? Do I want to commit to this person? However, relationship anxiety is different to ROCD, and here is how you can tell Relationship anxiety tends to be worries about the relationship, even when things are going well.

Speaker 1 10:26

So you may feel insecure, you may feel anxious, and this is similar in ROCD. But here are the differences. Number one the doubts that you experience are obsessive, they are relentless, they are persistent and they take up so much mental space that they interfere with daily life, whereas relationship anxiety doesn't tend to have that relentless nature to it, but it can ebb and flow throughout your relationship. Second, the intrusive thoughts in ROCD tend to have an urgent quality to them. I need to know whether this relationship is right right now. But here is the main difference between relationship anxiety and ROCD.

Managing ROCD: Tips and Resources

Speaker 1 11:12

In ROCD, the doubts, the questioning, the what ifs, the intrusive thoughts lead to compulsions. You feel the need to do something, whether that's checking your feelings or seeking reassurance. You do not get that in relationship anxiety. So what can you do about ROCD? Well, the good news is there are lots of things that you can do, so psychological therapy can help. Finding a therapist that is an OCD specialist and has experience of helping people with relationship OCD is really key. There are lots of resources on the internet and on YouTube, which I'm going to link in the show notes, so go and check them out if you haven't already.

Speaker 1 11:55

So that brings us to the end of this episode. I hope that's given you a good overview of the signs and symptoms of ROCD. Until next time, thank you for listening to this episode of Hello Therapy. If you found it helpful, don't forget to subscribe, follow and review. You can get more wellbeing and mental health tips by joining our email list and visiting the resources section of our website at harleyclinicalcouk. The Hello Therapy podcast and the information provided by me, dr White, is solely intended for information and educational purposes and does not constitute personalized advice. Please do reach out to your GP or a mental health professional if you need support. Until next time, take care of yourself.