#71: How Do I Figure Out What I Want in Life? Summer Sessions no. 3

Feeling lost, directionless, or unsure of what’s next? 

In the final Summer Session, I am breaking down one of life’s biggest questions: How do I figure out what I really want?

This episode offers practical tools and mindset shifts to help you find clarity and reconnect with your sense of purpose—without the pressure of finding "the one right thing." Through the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I explore how chasing constant happiness and avoiding discomfort can leave us stuck - and how meaning often lies on the other side of uncertainty.

Instead of waiting for a lightning bolt of clarity, this episode encourages you to take small, values-aligned actions that help you feel more grounded and authentic in your choices.

What you’ll learn in this episode:
✅ Why there’s no single “right” purpose—and that’s freeing
✅ How the “happiness trap” keeps us feeling stuck
✅ Seven practical tools for finding direction and meaning
✅ How to notice what energizes vs. depletes you
✅ Why values—not goals—are the real compass
✅ The role of discomfort and struggle in meaningful growth
✅ How to make aligned decisions even in uncertainty

Who this episode is for:
This conversation is especially helpful for people who:

• Feel adrift, stuck, or uncertain about life direction
• Are facing a major transition or decision
• Struggle with perfectionism or pressure to “find their purpose”
• Want tools rooted in real psychology, not toxic positivity
• Crave grounded, compassionate advice for life clarity

If overthinking and worry is draining you, start with my 30-minute mini course How to Stop Spiralling. It gives you the exact tools I teach clients to interrupt thought loops in real time.

 If you want something for the moments you’re already anxious or overwhelmed, the Spiral Rescue Kit has guided audios and a printable SOS plan you can use anywhere.

 → Get both HERE (get £5 off when you buy both or gift it to a friend!)

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The Hello Therapy podcast and the information provided by Dr Liz White (DClinPsy, CPsychol, AFBPsS, CSci, HCPC reg.), is solely intended for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute personalised advice. Please reach out to your GP or a mental health professional if you need support. 

Transcript

Introduction to Hello Therapy

Speaker 1 0:02

If you're looking to improve your mental health and well-being , then keep listening . I'm Dr Liz White , a consultant clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience . Whether you're a frazzled parent , a stressed out professional or finding your way through the challenges of midlife , you're in the right place . Through a mix of solo episodes and insightful conversations with expert psychologists and therapists , I'm bringing you evidence-based tools and strategies to help you navigate life's ups and downs with confidence , clarity and compassion . With confidence , clarity and compassion this is your space to feel seen , supported and empowered . Welcome to Hello Therapy .

The Pressure of Finding Purpose

Speaker 1 1:02

How do I figure out what I really want in life ? If this is a question that you're pondering , you will know just how difficult it can be to not have a sense of purpose or meaning in your life . It can make you feel adrift , like you somehow woke up in a little rowboat in the middle of the ocean without any oars . What do you do in this situation ? Just wait until you find land or really try and find your purpose ? Now , if this sounds like something that you're grappling with , stick around , because today I am taking you through some practical things , some questions that you can ask yourself to help you get some clarity about your life's direction can ask yourself , to help you get some clarity about your life's direction . First , though , what I want to talk about is the pressure we can feel to find our purpose . I think that we tend to idealise the idea of purpose as if there's like one magical calling , and once you find it , life suddenly magically makes sense , but I want to challenge that . Maybe , actually , you don't need to find the thing . You just need to find the next right thing , something that feels more aligned than where you are now . So the message that I want to get across here is that it's okay not to know , it's okay to not have it all figured out . Many people can feel embarrassed or ashamed that they don't know what they want out of life , or that they don't know what they're doing with their life , especially if people around them seem happy and purposeful . But let's be really clear if you don't have that clarity , it is not a failure or a character flaw . You just haven't found your direction yet .

Speaker 1 2:53

Now , something that's really relevant here is what Russ Harris calls the happiness trap , which I believe is one of his first books . In it , he says that we've been sold the idea that happiness is , and should be , our default state that if we're not feeling good , calm , clear , inspired , something must be wrong . So we chase constant positivity and we try to eliminate uncomfortable emotions . But there's a paradox the more we try to avoid or suppress pain , the more stuck we become . Now , according to Russ Harris and the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy , real meaning doesn't come from always feeling good . It comes from doing what matters even when we feel uncertain , anxious or afraid . So instead of asking how do I get rid of this discomfort , try asking how can I bring my values into this moment even if I feel uncertain . But more on that later .

Speaker 1 3:58

So now I'm going to describe some of the tools and some of the questions that I often explore with clients when they feel lost or disconnected from meaning

Practical Questions for Life Direction

Speaker 1 4:07

. The first one is notice what energizes you and what depletes you . So pay attention to what essentially lights you up , even briefly , what leaves you feeling a little purpose doesn't always show up as like a big firework . Sometimes it's like the flicker of a of a match flame . So it is about paying attention to those moments . But , equally and just as important , what drains you . Where are you spending your time , energy or emotional labor that leaves you feeling depleted ? Now , this isn't always about quitting your job or overhauling your life . It's just about understanding when and where your energy shifts .

Speaker 1 5:00

So the second question to ask yourself is when do I feel most like myself ? So forget titles or roles or expectations . Who are you when you're not performing for anyone ? Ask yourself when do I feel most grounded , most real , most me ? It could be in a deep conversation . It could be alone in nature or solving a complex problem , or sitting at home knitting or creating something with your hands . This question just cuts through the noise and helps you reconnect with the true you , not just productivity or what you should be doing .

Speaker 1 5:42

Thirdly , clarify your values , not just your goals . So in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy , we focus on values , the deeper qualities that matter to you , not outcomes but ways of being so , for example , things like compassion , curiosity , creativity , connection , and I've just realised . All those values begin with the letter C . But there are lots of resources online to help you identify your values . But you can just start by asking yourself this what do I want to stand for ? What kind of person do I want to be in my life ? And it can be helpful to just literally jot down one word answers to those questions . So my fourth point here is a question that helps us think about values , but from the kind of zoomed out view of our lives as a whole . Now , I think most of us would say that time is our most precious commodity , and the author Mark Manson says , and I quote ultimately death is the only thing that gives us perspective on the value of our lives , because it's only by imagining your non-existence that you can get a sense of what is most important about your existence . So , from this perspective , ask yourself this question what can I do with my time on this earth that feels meaningful to me ?

Speaker 1 7:18

Number five is

Purpose Comes With Pain

Speaker 1 7:20

accept that purpose comes with pain . Now , we often think that purpose will feel amazing all of the time once we found our purpose . But even the most meaningful paths will challenge us . For example , if being healthy and fit is meaningful and important to you , are you willing to endure the grueling workouts hour upon hour , week upon week , month upon month ? Or maybe connection is something that you value ? You know having a deeply meaningful and intimate relationship with someone , but are you really willing to tolerate the moments your partner annoys you or does something hurtful ? Are you willing to weather the bad times , weather the storm of arguments and disagreements and the pain that comes along with that . So ask yourself this what pain or struggle am I willing to endure in service of what matters ? Because this is often where purpose lives not in the constant joy , but in staying with what you care about , especially when it's hard .

Speaker 1 8:27

Number six is give more than you get . Studies have found that performing pro-social acts so things like volunteering , donating to charity , helping someone with their shopping or giving someone your seat on the bus these acts can boost

Building Purpose Through Small Actions

Speaker 1 8:44

happiness and a sense of meaning for people . So one thing to try is to intentionally do a kind act for someone each day not for you , but for them and notice what happens to your sense of meaning and purpose . Number seven is stop looking for your one thing . So really , what I want you to try and do is to drop this idea that there's one thing that you should be doing with your life and that you don't need to discover a hidden destiny . Purpose isn't found . It's built Slowly and imperfectly through action . So instead of asking what's my purpose , ask what's one thing I could try that feels more aligned than where I am now . And that brings me on to my last point .

Speaker 1 9:32

Reclaim the power of small shifts . Now , we often think purpose requires a dramatic pivot , like a new career , a major lifestyle change , but actually it can be built in the small moments of life . For example , spend 20 minutes a day doing something that really matters to you , or say no to something that's been draining you for years , or maybe reach out to someone who makes you feel like your full self . This is how you rebuild that alignment . And here's something that I remind my clients all the time you don't need to know exactly where you're going to live a meaningful life . You just need to keep moving in a direction that feels a little more like you . You just need to keep moving in a direction that feels a little more like you . So that brings us to the end of this episode and to the end of the summer sessions . I hope that they've inspired you and have maybe given you a little more clarity on some of the issues that we've been talking about . We are taking a break now until September , so I hope you have a good rest of your summer and I'll see you on the other side .

Episode Closing and Summer Break

Speaker 1 10:43

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Hello Therapy . We'd love for you to join our growing community over on Substack , you can sign up for free or become a paid subscriber for access to exclusive perks like never before seen video interviews and downloadable guides designed to support your mental health . If you enjoyed this episode , make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new release . And if you got value from this episode , it would mean the world if you left a five star review . As always , check the show notes for my full disclaimer . Thanks again for listening .