#75: Coping with Grief - Tools for Processing Profound Loss with Dr Monia Wieliczko (Grief Series Part 2)

Grief can feel like an overwhelming tsunami, leaving us unsure how to simply survive those first devastating days and weeks. 

In part 2 of this compassionate conversation with clinical psychologist and grief specialist Dr. Monika Wieliczko, we discuss practical strategies for navigating loss at every stage of the journey. From those first days of shock through to long term adjustment, this episode is packed with helpful ways to cope with bereavement. Monika also shares a free online resource, The Grief MOT, designed to help individuals check in on their grief journey and access helpful tools.

Whether you're navigating your own grief journey or supporting someone through theirs, this episode offers a roadmap through one of life's most challenging experiences – not to bypass the pain, but to move through it with greater understanding, connection, and ultimately, healing. 

Highlights include:
2:19 Surviving the first weeks after loss
5:25 The importance of connection in grief
8:23 Developing a new relationship with loss
12:33 When grief becomes trauma
14:17 Physical health risks of unprocessed grief

This week's guest:
Dr Monika Wieliczko is a Chartered Clinical Psychologist. She has worked within the NHS as well as private and charitable organisations in the UK since 2011. She trained at various universities across the UK and Poland and completed her doctoral studies at the Canterbury Christ Church University. 

Apart from running her private practice, Monika works part-time in a secondary care mental health service in South East London where she specialises in helping people with complex mental health presentations including depression, anxiety, trauma and personality disorders. Monika is also a visiting lecturer at The Institute of Psychiatry in London delivering teaching for trainee clinical psychologists. 

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The Hello Therapy podcast and the information provided by Dr Liz White (DClinPsy, CPsychol, AFBPsS, CSci, HCPC reg.), is solely intended for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute personalised advice. Please reach out to your GP or a mental health professional if you need support. 

Transcript

Welcome to Grief Mini-Series Part Two

Dr Liz White 0:02

If you're looking to improve your mental health and well-being, then keep listening. I'm Dr Liz White, a consultant clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience. Whether you're a frazzled parent, a stressed out professional or finding your way through the challenges of midlife, you're in the right place. Or finding your way through the challenges of midlife? You're in the right place. Through a mix of solo episodes and insightful conversations with expert psychologists and therapists, I'm bringing you evidence-based tools and strategies to help you navigate life's ups and downs with confidence, clarity and compassion. With confidence, clarity and compassion. This is your space to feel seen, supported and empowered. Welcome to Hello Therapy.

Dr Liz White 1:06

Welcome back to the second and final part of our mini-series on grief. I'm back talking with Dr Monica Velichko, a clinical psychologist and grief specialist. In this episode, we're focusing on coping after loss and how to survive those first days and weeks, as well as what to do as the months go by and the reality of loss and not having the person in your life anymore settles in. We discuss why it's so important to lower your expectations, particularly in those first weeks, focusing on simple survival, self-care and being open to letting others support you. Our discussion also tackles the myths around grieving in isolation, and how connecting with others can help regulate those really intense and very difficult emotions. We touch on the invaluable role of rituals in maintaining connections to those we've lost, the importance of seeking help if you're feeling stuck or frozen in your grief, and the real physical impact that unprocessed loss can have on your health.

Surviving the First Weeks After Loss

Dr Liz White 2:06

So, whether you're grieving yourself or supporting someone who is, this episode is a compassionate guide through one of life's most challenging experiences. So let's dive in. So shall we switch gears a little bit and have a think about coping. So somebody, somebody in those sort of first days, hours, weeks of of a loss what advice would you give to someone? How does somebody navigate those those first early weeks?

Dr Monika Wieliczko 2:39

well, I would say it's all about surviving those first few weeks and days, and I think it's it's all about reducing your expectations to the minimum. So what is the absolute minimum you need to do to get through? So forget about doing everything. Just give yourself a break, because your brain is completely flooded by those stress hormones, so it's really important to slow down. Is completely flooded by those stress hormones, so it's really important to slow down, because actually, I think it's all about having to focus on the most basic needs. So, are you drinking enough? Are you having enough time to rest? Are you in a place where you can just get support from your neighbors, from your family? Can they cook for you? Can they bring you something?

Dr Monika Wieliczko 3:24

It's not about processing what happened in that moment. It's all about having connections with other people as much as you can, because this is such a huge misconception about grief that we should be grieving I don't know in silence in our own homes, when no one's watching, which is completely ridiculous. You can't grieve by yourself. You have to have someone else with you, at least a group of people that you can experience that grief with. It works wonders in terms of how much quicker and better you're able to regain that sense of safety and stability in your own body, and it's called co-regulation. So imagine, if you are in a group of people who are able to acknowledge your feelings, who are feeling what you're feeling, there's something magical that happens. And that's why support groups for grief are so important as well later on in the grief journey Is that when you're in a group of people who understand and validate your feelings and acknowledge and make room for them, something very important happens physiologically that we are able to regulate better, especially if there's someone else who may be slightly less affected or had slightly different relationship with the person who died. They understand what you're going through, but they're also able to look after you a bit more so if you're the main, but they're also able to look after you a bit more so if you're the main person affected by by the loss or one of the few.

The Importance of Connection in Grief

Dr Monika Wieliczko 4:50

It's really important to have. That's why people come in and bring you food, but maybe sometimes, instead of just bringing that casserole, some other dish, maybe it's also important just to sit with that person, even if it is sitting in silence. But having that space where you can just be, it's really difficult to do. But the most important first aid for grief is just to allow yourself to be and don't expect other than the most significant, the most important burning issues that needs addressing. Everything else needs to wait and give yourself that time.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 5:31

Because one of the things that happen the vicious circle that tends to happen at the beginning is that we start to judge ourselves, we, we start to assess oh, I can't cope with this, I can't deal with this, and that really reinforces those negative beliefs that we're failing, that we can't cope with our feelings, and we avoid them even more. And the more we avoid them, the longer we stuck in this. We stuck in this cycle of stress and shock.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 6:02

And as much as this initial stage is really important, I often refer to it as an airbag in a car. So imagine if you're driving in a motorway and you have an accident and the airbag fills up with air and it absorbs the shock of the car crash and you might be shocked, you might lose your consciousness for a bit, but it's likely to protect you from completely breaking your body into pieces and it's similar with the state of shock. It really holds you tight. That means you can't process everything in one go and you won't be able to don't even try, but it will help you to slow down. Give buys you some time for your brain, for your mind, to be able to come to terms with what happened. So it's really important to hold that in mind. That, okay, it's not the most pleasant thing that happens uh, the shock but, it's really essential.

Dr Liz White 6:52

That's the only survival mechanism we've got available when we're grieving in this kind of initial stage and if we fast forward, so the sort of managing grief in the longer term. So maybe we're months in to the grief journey. I appreciate I'm just sort of saying right, what are the quick tips? And I know there aren't quick tips, but someone listening that might be in that phase and maybe is struggling a bit with it and sort of having those thoughts. I'm still struggling, what, what would you say to that person?

Dr Monika Wieliczko 7:26

so. So I think what is really important, what is the task of mourning, is really the question here. So how do we relate to our grief, which is, I often think of grief as a relationship? We develop a different relationship. The person who died. It can't be in the same form and shape as when they were still alive. You have to find those different ways to connect with your loss and also decide which bits of that relationship you want to hold on to really tightly and value and cherish and which bits you can let go of and to make room for life around your loss.

Developing a New Relationship with Loss

Dr Monika Wieliczko 8:02

So I would say that it's a lot to do with creating certain rituals. It's about creating, maybe, ways you can hold on to that person. It could be all sorts of things. For me, music has been this incredible thing that I had in common with my late husband, and I still cherish listening to his music. Actually, the studio in which I'm in right now is a place the chair in which I'm sitting is where he was greeting his music. So for me and actually the intro to the podcast I'm recording is his music and to me that that's been such a wonderful way of celebrating his life, but also, you know, being interested in life and technology. He was really into AI before he was even famous. He was. I remember years ago it was like 2008, 2009, he was mining Bitcoins in our bedroom Before anyone knew anything about it.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 9:04

You see that there are certain things you can hold on to, and it's really important to find a way to develop that relationship after loss, so that person isn't completely gone. But it's equally important to be able to let go of certain aspects. For example, imagine you have a wardrobe full of their clothes. Keeping everything in it kind of makes unique things not so unique anymore. So you have to decide what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 9:33

It's really important, I think, and something that people struggle with because they worry or they feel really guilty. They struggle with guilt. So if that's part of this experience struggling with guilt or shame around wanting to have a life when that person is no longer here it's really important to talk about that or to find a way of verbalizing it, because guilt is such a crucial element of grieving process. So so those rituals really help, but also the things we need to do to be able to let go of those other aspects, like, I don't know, you won't keep all the books they have, or maybe you need to sell the house in which they lived, or, you know, there are certain things you need to let go of.

Dr Liz White 10:15

Yeah and there are some circumstances, aren't there, where people completely, almost shut off from their grief, like they, they don't, it's like they don't go there. So for example, somebody who might, just who can't look at photos or videos and and sort of refuses to because if they do it will, you know, I guess that sort of open a can of worms kind of experience and a part of therapy might be helping that person do that in a way that's um an incremental way. But it's so important, isn't?

Dr Liz White 10:48

it to, as you say, sort of, I guess, connect with that and then and then let go at the same time.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 10:53

Yeah I think in those circumstances, in most cases, what I see is there's an element of trauma that is blocking our ability to process what happened and, no matter how hard you're going to try, unless you've got professional help, it's probably going to be very difficult if it's been like a year or two years after it happened and you still have those flashbacks and something you can't really process. It's too disturbing, it's too difficult, you can't think of this. These are all symptoms of trauma, not grief, and I think these are the things that people get confused about and, to be honest, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it is to separate them out until I've experienced traumatic loss. So it's really important to notice that, that sometimes we think it's grief, but really we're talking about trauma and, as I'm guessing, with your grief MOT.

Dr Liz White 11:43

That might help someone draw that out Absolutely, which is why it's so important to check out the show notes and see the link, because if you are struggling with grief then that might help guide the next step you will get to that.

When Grief Becomes Trauma

Dr Monika Wieliczko 11:58

You will be highlighted in the results section and if, if you're in an early stage of grief, you're likely to be told uh okay, come back in six months time or a year's time to see how you're getting on and if your symptoms are still persisting at this level, well then it's maybe a sign to think about this a bit more. What can you do? Could you, for example, just going back to your question about what to do later on that could help with those rituals and letting go and processing information? So support groups, peer support groups, are brilliant for that. It doesn't have to be therapy. Not everyone and most people won't need therapy for grief.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 12:35

It's really important to know that, that let's not pathologize grief, because grief is a natural adaptive response to loss. But having that kind of experience with other people grieving really beautifully, open up spaces in you that you've never thought were there in the first place. But also just socializing, just speaking to people, finding a way of starting conversations and telling your friends, your family that it's okay to talk about it, and having some rituals as a family, not just on the anniversary, if you want to, because that's also another thing that not everyone wants to celebrate or have some kind of way of publicly experiencing their loss. So sometimes it could be something very simple like just you know naming that, that, that this is the day when they died it's enough sometimes.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 13:24

but but some people prefer to have some form of, I suppose, a routine or something they can do to mark that year that has another year that's passed or their birthday. So it's really important to keep that integrating that loss into your life, but without it taking over your life, so just really focusing on how your body's showing up, how your grief is showing up in your body as well. So if you're having any physical health problems, grief is showing up in your body as well.

Physical Health Risks of Unprocessed Grief

Dr Monika Wieliczko 13:53

So if you're having any physical health problems, get it checked, because there's a real thing like broken heart syndrome, inflammation, the range of autoimmune diseases that flare up after loss. Within the first two years after someone dies you're actually more likely to die okay, especially if you're menopausausal woman or after menopause. So these are real, unspoken about risks associated with loss, unprocessed loss. So if you're able to process your loss, deal with your feelings in a resilient way, this risk reduces. But unprocessed feelings they're likely to show up in your body. So it's really important to go and have it checked with your GP.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 14:31

If you're having a problem with your stomach or heart palpitations or something doesn't feel quite right, just go and get it checked and don't let it be dismissed as it's just your grief, because it might not be. It's likely to be, but it might not be, and if that's the case you really need to keep an eye on that. So it's not to scare anyone about any risks. Likelihood is you're going to die is not that great in the grand scheme of things, but it's a real thing. People have heart problems similar to a heart attack that manifest in a very similar way that where the functioning of their heart is disturbed for a period of time, and it can have. Now we know from recent research that it can have long-term effect on their cart, and within five years after someone dies the likelihood of death is increased. So it's it's.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 15:22

It's important to keep that in mind that there are certain things we can avoid if we get it checked and get the help early on. So yeah, so that's another thing, message yeah, so if you're like six year, six months or a year or two years after loss and you can feel something's not quite right with your body, yeah, it's important to get it checked well, monica, thank you so much for being here today and and thank you for sharing your experience both clinically and and in your life and the loss of your husband, because I think it's as we said at the beginning, it's so important to have these conversations and I think I'm going to ask you back because I think we've touched on so many areas here that I think need a little bit more depth.

Dr Liz White 16:06

You know, obviously that's up to you whether you come back or not, I'll be very happy to do that absolutely but, yeah, anyone that's listening, go and check out, uh, a guide, a guide to the afterlife podcast, because it's a really great one. But thank you so much, thank you so much for having me.

Dr Monika Wieliczko 16:22

It's been real pleasure. And yes, anytime you want me to talk about grief, give me a call, I'm always there waiting and, yeah, I'm really. I've really enjoyed talking to you. Listen, it's a wonderful podcast you've got as well, and it's been so nice to have a chat with a fellow psychologist who's trying to really um educate people about mental health and and we don't talk about so many different issues to do with mental health. Thank you so much for for doing all you're doing for us, because it's greatly appreciated by many.

Dr Liz White 16:57

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