The Ordinary Doula Podcast

E71: Four Essential Tools Every Birth Partner Needs

• Angie Rosier • Episode 71

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Partners can provide deep and meaningful support during pregnancy, labor, and birth by developing specific skills beyond vague advice to "just be supportive."

• Learn together through childbirth classes, videos, books, or apps to build knowledge and realistic expectations
• Discover what birth goals are important to your pregnant partner, even if they differ from what you would choose
• Prepare concrete comfort measures and tools so you never feel helpless during labor
• Be prepared for preferences to change quickly during labor and adapt accordingly
• Serve as an advocate by attending appointments and asking questions when things aren't clear
• Remain fully present both physically and emotionally—avoid distractions like phones
• Consider hiring a doula who can help you be a better support person and give you breaks when needed
• Understand that being supportive doesn't mean fixing everything—labor is challenging by nature
• Remember your partner's experience of you during birth will impact your relationship as new parents

Please reach out and make a human connection today, whether in person through touch or eye contact, or to someone online—it might make a world of difference to them and will help you too.


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Show Credits

Host: Angie Rosier
Music: Michael Hicks
Photographer: Toni Walker
Episode Artwork: Nick Greenwood
Producer: Gillian Rosier Frampton
Voiceover: Ryan Parker

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rozier, hosted by Birth Learning, where we help prepare folks for labor and birth with expertise coming from 20 years of experience in a busy doula practice Helping thousands of people prepare for labor Providing essential knowledge and tools for positive and empowering birth experiences.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome to this episode of the Ordinary Doula podcast. My name is Angie Rozier, I'm your host and I am glad to be with you here today. Today we are going to dive into what meaningful support could look like from partners during pregnancy, labor and birth during pregnancy, labor and birth. So maybe you are an expecting partner or maybe you're a pregnant woman and you want to send a not so subtle hint to your partner that you want support from them. So this one's for you. This episode is for you. So we want to kind of get through the quote unquote just be supportive and give some actual specific techniques and tips and advice on how to quote unquote just be supportive. So we're going to chat about a few things. Give you some practical tools that will help you to be like a hero that day. We want you to come out looking like a hero. We want your partner to feel completely supported during her labor and birth and we want you to be a big part of that. So here's a few actual ways that partners can step up, can tune in and be the rock that their loved ones need, be that help and be that support that they're looking for. So I'll tell you, having supported thousands and thousands of people through the labor process, when I go into a birth, I don't always know what I'm going to do either. Honestly, like you kind of got to leave this open, open to whatever the situation yields itself to. Sometimes I go in with one expectation. Having spent time with my clients, I'm like all right, this dad is going to be super awesome, he's going to be you know, we're going to be a great team. And we get there and he's like checked out, or he's super scared or whatever. Or I go in, maybe our, during our prenatal appointments, the dad wasn't very checked in, he wasn't very tuned in, and then he, it turns out he's an incredible rock for her. Like he's, uh, an incredible support. Like there's no right or wrong way to do this. So I want you to get that out of your mind right now, that, um, there's a right and wrong way to do this. So I want you to get that out of your mind right now, that there's a right and wrong way to do this. The right way is you're going to find out what that is. For each situation it's different.

Speaker 2:

So some mindsets that we can kind of shift early in a pregnancy situation is to discover, discover how to be the best support to your pregnant partner, your wife, your girlfriend, during pregnancy, during labor, during birth. And this doesn't mean like to just fix everything right. A lot of partners like, oh, not comfortable with her and in pain, I don't like to see her in pain. Well, that's great and I'm glad there's. Hopefully you don't like to see the her in pain, right? That? That kind of concerned me. If there were partners like um, that that weren't uncomfortable with that. But that's really common. Like you know what, I'll do anything to just avoid watching her be in pain.

Speaker 2:

So, figuring out what's important to her, what her birth goals are, um, they might not be yours, right? You're not the pregnant one. If you were, you might make different choices. Um, they might not be yours, right, you're not the pregnant one. If you were, you might make different choices. For instance, if your wife, girlfriend, you know, pregnant partner says I don't want an epidural, and you're like, why not? That's crazy. Like that's a quick, easy fix. Why would you not want that?

Speaker 2:

Um come to just that mind shift of supporting what it is she wants she may not know. Help her discover what it is she wants. We're going to talk about some ways to do that. But, yeah, just embrace early on, support what she wants, even if it's not what you would choose. Right.

Speaker 2:

And it's not that we can fix everything. It can be a very difficult place to be a partner and feel helpless. Be prepared that you're going to feel helpless through this situation. You can't fix it all, I can't fix it all. Your OB, your midwife, like your anesthesiologist they can't quote, unquote fix it all, but they can be supportive and you can be incredibly supportive. And we're going to talk about a few things that give us practical hands on ways to help during labor. Right, so also knowing what to expect emotionally, you know everyone's gonna be going through some pretty high emotions and then we layer fatigue onto that sometimes. Sometimes labor starts at bedtime or sometimes labor goes through a night or two nights and many people aren't getting much sleep through that. So, kind of, like you know, be prepared to kind of buckle down and have this, uh, this pretty epic experience together.

Speaker 2:

So here are four things that partners can do to give meaningful help during the labor, the birth and labor process and that begins long before labor and birth actually. So the first one, number one is learn together. Maybe you guys take a class together, maybe you watch some online videos together, watch birth videos together, kind of learn what to expect. Get some dialogue going, like, oh, wow, did you know it could be like that, did you hear how that sounded or how that looked? Or wow, did you, you know? Just have a dialogue between the two of you to get some expectations that are going to be realistic for your situation. Maybe you read a book together, maybe you have the same apps and you're going to have discussions around these things. But learn together. Perhaps you go to some appointments. If you're able to go to some of the doctor's appointments, the midwife appointments are going to have. You know you have 10 to 13 of those throughout the whole pregnancy. If you can go to some of those, that's going to be important as well. But learn together and then support what it is she wants through her, or even think she wants right, the direction she wants to go with her labor and birth process. Number two the second one is, as you learn together, prepare some tools. Prepare some real life, concrete tools that you can use so that you don't feel helpless, so that you can lean on those tools as you help her.

Speaker 2:

So if I'm just going to use a cute little analogy of building a shed, right, if you wanted to build a shed this spring, what would you do? Maybe you've built sheds before, maybe you never have, maybe you've never built anything in your life, but you can build a shed. So you need some plans. Even if you know what you're doing, you need some plans. You're going to need to gather some tools and supplies. Plan for this day or two or three days, however long it's going to take you to build this shed, knowing it's a process, knowing it's a project. You want to get everything lined up.

Speaker 2:

Labor and birth is the same way. Maybe you haven't done it before, maybe you don't know how to do it. Do some research, gather your tools, plan you know we don't know the exact day, but plan you're having a baby in the spring or whatever plan, to quote unquote build your shed and so that you can go into it, knowing kind of what to do, do some research, right? So some of the tools that you can use are going to be some hands on comfort measures. Learn some of those hands on comfort measures, some for some people that will become very natural. Some women like a lot of touch and comfort during labor. Some don't Be prepared for that. Be prepared for her reactions and preferences to change on a dime during the labor process. That can be pretty common. Be prepared of what labor looks like, what it sounds like, and as you get some tools and come to be able to support whatever it is your partner wants, then that helps you feel less helpless and be able to support what's important to them.

Speaker 2:

I have had situations where the pregnant client does not want an epidural. The partner says why, why not? That's hard for them to support. I've had just the opposite, where the client wants an epidural and the partner support why, why not? That's hard for them to support. I've had they're just the opposite, where the client wants an epidural and the partner support. Person is like why, well, let's, how about we don't get an epidural? Um, just buy into what she wants, and maybe what she wants it evolves and develops throughout the learning process. That is extremely common, okay. So number two prepare some tools, have some things like all right, here's some go tos, here's some things I know that I'm going to do. I know that she likes because we've talked about them together.

Speaker 2:

Number three is to be an advocate and ask the questions. So that includes going to. Maybe it starts by going to those appointments during pregnancy. There's a lot more towards the end of pregnancy. Start going to those or see if you can hit a couple of those. If you don't understand something, ask the questions If they're. You know your partner forgot about a question, make sure that you ask it. Be engaged, be fully present and be engaged during the labor process. If there's something you don't understand, ask the questions. Ask you know. How's this going to benefit us? Why would we want to do this? Why would we not want to do this? So you're going to a lot of times. Be talking with your nurse, ask the questions to your nurse, to your doctor. If there's an anesthesiologist involved, if you have a doula, make sure you are an advocate and ask the questions.

Speaker 2:

When you go into this situation understanding, knowing and buying into what your partner wants you can be supportive and ask those questions and kind of be her voice at a time when she might be quite busy. So being an advocate is very important. I've seen that done beautifully by many dads who are don't do this every day right Like this is not your. This. You know labor support is probably not what you have done a lot in your life, but you know your partner and you've learned together, you've prepared together and you can be a great advocate for her.

Speaker 2:

And then number four, probably my favorite one, is simply be present, like be completely present in every way. You're going to be physically present, hopefully right, but there's more to being present than just being in the room. So be tuned in to what your partner wants, what they need, check in with them often. Don't be distracted by things on your phone. I have had dads literally say this is kind of boring. When is this going to be over? Some dads like the hardest part is being patient, because we know early labor, sometimes later labor, can take a while, it can be a long time. So be fully present and supportive while you're being present. Sometimes there's doing a lot. There's a lot of texting going on between family members and friends and the partners, that liaison between everyone and what's going on in labor and birth. And maybe your plan is, you know what, we're going to not give an update for a couple of hours so that you can be more fully present.

Speaker 2:

I have had moms in labor say, put your phone down. Just put your phone down, um, because they're feeling neglected. They're feeling like you have a pretty good distraction when you're focused on your phone. Some partners want to just lay down on that couch and sleep for a real long time. I get that, I really do. But if you're getting a good eight hours of sleep while she's in labor, there might be, you know, something kind of wrong with that. So check in.

Speaker 2:

You know it is important to take care of yourself and I always say, like you know, the whole point of this podcast is for people to have positive birth experiences. You know your situation, you know the dynamics with which you're working, but set things up so that you will have success within that situation, regardless of what happens during labor, and look at getting labor support. Look at hiring a doula or any doula programs in your area. A doula will help facilitate your role through this process and can help and can be present and help you be present in the best ways if you need that or if you do need a nap, right, if you do need to go grab lunch. You got to take care of yourself too.

Speaker 2:

I also see a lot of partners like just muscle through and they're gonna like sacrifice and everything, like their, their meals, and you know they're they're they're starving, they're exhausted and we need that partner to you know we need that dad to be around when that baby comes to, so sometimes pacing yourself and, and you know your nurse, your doula, can help. You know when to take care of yourself, when to go grab lunch or grab a nap or just to walk outside. So hopefully you know, as partners like, buy in, be supportive. You know, hopefully, as partners have that mindset of support and what that means for your particular situation. Knowing you can't fix everything right, knowing that you don't, you're not going to be an expert on everything, but you can ask the questions and reach out to the resources that you have. A great book is called the Birth Partner by Penny Simpkin and it's actually a great book for not just partners but for everyone. That's a really good resource as well and it can give you some really great hands-on coping techniques. But B make sure that you are one of the comfort majors. You can be a comfort major just by being present. That's going to be a huge tool to so many of our people.

Speaker 2:

Having babies is to have an awesomely supportive partner, because that's who stays right, that's who gets to go home with you and see this whole process through. Everybody else kind of fades away shortly after um and the nurse, the doctor, the doula they're gone within minutes to hours of that baby being born and you're back to the two or three of you at that point, um. So make sure that you can be that appropriate supportive person, because you are the best person to do that. Honestly, I've seen incredible support from partners, but a lot of them just want to know what to do, like how can they help. So that requires some upfront preparation.

Speaker 2:

Again, the four things are learned together. Number one learn together as you, as this is leading up to the labor and birth experience. Number two prepare some tools so that you go into this having some things you know that you can do. These might be concrete physical tools, they might be hands-on massage techniques, it might be movement involved. Number three be an advocate and ask the questions. Advocate for this person that you love as they're in this process. And number four be present in every way and hopefully, with those few tips, you're going to be able to be an amazing support person during the labor and birth process. I wish you the very best.

Speaker 2:

One of my favorite things throughout my dealer career is supporting dads Like they are having an experience to. Not a lot of people focus on that hospital. The team is super not focused on what the dad's experience is like. He gets to cut the cord, maybe there's a place for him to lay down, but he's having an emotional, physical experience as well, and when we can unite those two things kind of tie them together. Hopefully we can come out with a very empowered relationship, that you guys are more impressed with each other than you've ever been, that you can strengthen your relationship as you go into the journey of being parents together.

Speaker 2:

I wish you the very best. Hopefully your labor and birth goes well and that you're going to be an awesome rock star of a support person to be able to help throughout that process. Thank you so much for being with me here today on the Ordinary Doula podcast and, as always, please reach out and make a human connection, whether that's in person, by touch by eye, contact someone online you reach out to. Please make an awesome human connection to someone today. It might mean the world of difference to them and it will help you out too. Thanks for being here, and we'll see you next time.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for listening to the Ordinary Doula podcast with Angie Rozier, hosted by Birth Learning. Episode credits will be in the show notes Tune in next time as we continue to explore the many aspects of giving birth.