The Ordinary Doula Podcast
Welcome to The Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rosier, hosted by Birth Learning. We help folks prepare for labor and birth with expertise coming from 20 years of experience in a busy doula practice, helping thousands of people prepare for labor, providing essential knowledge and tools for positive and empowering birth experiences.
The Ordinary Doula Podcast
E85: Holding the Heavy: When Birth Gets Hard
Birth work involves witnessing both beautiful and difficult moments, creating an emotional weight that doulas carry alongside their clients. After 23 years as a birth doula, I've learned that acknowledging the challenging aspects of birth is essential for processing and growth.
• Difficult births create emotional weight even when outcomes are positive
• Recent challenging experiences include a four-hour medical emergency with a newborn who ultimately thrived
• VBACs that end in repeat cesareans can be particularly heartbreaking
• Birth can be traumatic even when there's a healthy outcome
• Medical providers often dismiss emotional trauma with statements like "at least you have a healthy baby"
• Doulas experience a unique emotional load due to their continuous relationship with clients
• Processing difficult experiences might involve talking with fellow doulas, writing, or sitting in silence
• Rituals like lighting candles can help process difficult birth experiences
• Hard moments become threads in a tapestry that shape us rather than shatter us
• Finding resilience means adapting to both triumphs and difficulties
Reach out to someone you know who has experienced a difficult time. Make a human connection - you'll both be better for it.
Visit our website, here: https://birthlearning.com/
Follow us on Facebook at Birth Learning
Follow us on Instagram at @birthlearning
Show Credits
Host: Angie Rosier
Music: Michael Hicks
Photographer: Toni Walker
Episode Artwork: Nick Greenwood
Producer: Gillian Rosier Frampton
Voiceover: Ryan Parker
Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rozier, hosted by Birth Learning, where we help prepare folks for labor and birth with expertise coming from 20 years of experience in a busy doula practice Helping thousands of people prepare for labor, providing essential knowledge and tools for positive and empowering birth experiences.
Speaker 2:Hi, my name is Angie Rozier and this is the Ordinary Doula podcast. With this podcast, we like to talk about a lot of things regarding birth, postpartum, breastfeeding, preparing for birth, what labor's like. I've been a birth doula for gosh 22, 23 years now and just like to kind of pull together a lot of experiences and hopefully share them in a way that will be helpful. Over the last few months I've been thinking about it yeah, probably this whole year just kind of putting these hard pieces on a shelf and saying, gosh, that was tough, that was hard. There are parts of birth that are challenging. I think you know a lot of times when people envision a doula, they're like, oh, this is awesome, birth is great and it's all pretty amazing and happy. You get to see babies born regularly and, while that's true, you also get to see a lot of difficult and hard things and the capacity of human spirit, human heart, human body, which takes you to some pretty heavy places. So I want to talk a little bit about that, the stuff that's difficult and hard, and doulas witness a lot of amazing things and a lot of hard things. So kind of like holding the heavy is what we're going to talk about and what that's like, as I've been kind of putting these hard things on a shelf. These are kind of things that just make you want to weep. They're the tough stuff, um, as you witness. A lot of it is just in the witnessing right, being with and being with people while they experience grief or trauma. Um, that can be really difficult and and can be a heavy load to carry. So I've been thinking over this past several months some amazing births, for sure, but, um, also some really tough ones, some some things that are heartbreaking for me to watch and for other people, of course, to experience, because it is their birth and their life and their experience, and they do just make you want to weep.
Speaker 2:There was a difficult probably one of the most difficult situations I was in a few months ago where it was a four hour long situation and we were just kind of watching to see if this baby was going to live for four long hours and the work was so urgent that it was being done right in the room with the mom and dad. So it was me, mom, dad, all sitting there just feet away, where they're working on this baby for a long time Happy to report right off the bat that that baby, miraculously and remarkably, is doing amazing. But for quite a while there it was really touch and go to know one if she was going to make it, and then two what kind of a life she might have if she did make it. And she's the sweetest little, spunky little thing at this point. But it was hard waiting for that.
Speaker 2:Another difficult one recently v-backs. I love v-backs. I've supported dozens and dozens of v-backs over my career and usually I call them the v and v-back is for victorious, because I love it when we have a victorious v-back, when that client gets um what she was hoping for and dreaming for, which, which is usually the case. But there are some heartbreaking VBACs too and recently a VBAC that was pretty tough, that became a repeat C-section and then that C-section went really difficult and challenging, which made the recovery difficult and challenging physically, which of course leads to the emotionally, and so, yeah, that was tough stuff too. There's also recently a birth that was um urgent, like it was the first time baby and heart rate wasn't doing well, and they're looking at doing a C-section and this baby was just so close. But you know, with first time babies. You don't know how long the mom's going to need to push it. It's going to be one hour, two hours, three hours, which is common. This baby wasn't going to do well with any kind of length of pushing, but it was the first time baby, um. So got the mom totally ready for a C-section and stopped the contractions with tributyline, dosed the epidural for a cesarean, which is a really heavy dose. But the baby was so, so, so, very close and the heart rate was doing well enough to kind of try pushing, and so they just told the mom to push with all her might. We were in the OR and she did, but she couldn't feel anything and she didn't have any contractions. So it's kind of put her in a tricky spot. But the roller coaster of this right the ups and the downs, like, and when your expectations shift from one moment to the next like, oh, this is awesome, we're having a baby soon to oh, we might be having a crash section, to oh, maybe not to. And thankfully that baby was born vaginally in the OR, which was pretty wild, it was pretty cool.
Speaker 2:But there's all these amazing stories and there's the hard parts to them, even if it's a good outcome and a good ending. There are hard parts, so that's kind of what I want to talk about a little bit. A lot of times, doulas are just holding a hand, whispering encouragement, you know, celebrating life's beautiful beginning, which is that's normally what we like to do, right. But there's a heavier side, a quiet side. That definitely is a piece of this work and that's kind of what I want to talk about it.
Speaker 2:We're not just there for the good outcomes. We're also present and witnessing when things are falling apart, when things shift suddenly, when there's silence, when there's heartbreak, you know, and a lot of times, of course, this leads to physical and emotional trauma and we get to witness that and that actually, gosh, builds a lot of who I am over the years and and I feel grateful, somberly grateful, for those difficult experiences as well. So let's just say it like birth can be traumatic, for sure. Even when a baby is born healthy and everything's fine, a birth can be difficult. Even when no one did anything wrong, when nothing terrible happened, it can still be very difficult, even if it was everything somebody wanted. Even when there's joy, there can still be sorrow, right, there can still be harm done in some way, even with a good outcome, and a lot of times I think our hospital staff negates that. They're like well, at least you have a healthy baby, or at least you know, at least you're, you're both here. We have healthy baby, healthy mom and, yes, well, that's the premier goal. Um, there's a lot of mourning when other goals are discarded along the way. So maybe you know we've even.
Speaker 2:This is difficult to watch too. Seeing somebody be completely ignored, like a birthing person is absolutely ignored, or their desires or their wishes are ignored, or they're mocked or they're discarded. That is incredibly frustrating. And to be the person to stand up and advocate for that, that's work, that's a lot of work. Or there's loss. There's some kinds of loss that just leave no words. There's nothing you can say or do that's going to make anything better, and a lot of times in situations like that, silence presence, but silence is kind of key. So if you've been there, you know, you know what it's like is kind of key. So if you've been there, you know, you know what it's like. There's an interesting kind of grief in just being a quiet witness to the heart of humanity, and definitely childbirth encompasses a lot of that. So sometimes you are holding back your own tears, your own fears, your own feelings. Sometimes I want to cry Sometimes, you know, I'm amazed sometimes at how my clients handle things when I'm feel like, wow, are you falling apart Like I feel like I want to fall apart for you, and sometimes they are falling apart, right, and you have to be there to kind of hold and pick up the pieces. So I want to talk about a couple of things that we can do with that and some, maybe some helps that can then help us along the way. And sometimes it's just talking about it, right, just addressing it as it is, giving permission to address things.
Speaker 2:As I visited recently, my VBAC mom who did not get a VBAC had a repeat C-section. That went pretty rough. I did her postpartum visit and we just acknowledged, like man, that was hard. We'd had a phone conversation about it as well, but I let her explore first how she felt about it, right, and that had changed over time, like the day it happened was a little bit different and so much was going on. That's a lot to process. A couple of days later she was in a different place and talking about it differently. A couple weeks later, when we met again, a little more time to process and that will continue to go.
Speaker 2:So sometimes like, yeah, just acknowledging that that was tough or that was not okay, I didn't like how your provider addressed this or approached that part, but not and obviously being very careful not to impose increased challenge on anyone. But but I can feel grief and sorrow, even if it's not my baby or my body or my family, just being there, getting a front row seat to that. That can be difficult. So, yeah, naming naming is the first act kind of cracks, puts a crack in the armor that, um, that we so often are wearing. And, and sometimes for me, after a difficult birth, um, I like to process it with someone. A lot of times it's another doula, because they just get it. So I'll have colleagues, comrades in the work that I can talk to and say, man, this is super tough and they get it. If I were to process that with a nurse or a doctor or a midwife, it'll be a little bit different.
Speaker 2:I do process things with providers and other caregivers that were there, but their perspective is just a little bit different. A lot of times they're not going to be in that person's home sitting on their couch next week, you know, discussing this with them, watching them cry about it. They weren't in their home prenatally for several hours, hearing how badly they wanted whatever kind of birth it was that they wanted and then didn't get. So that load, that emotional load, is something that's pretty specific to a doula. There are some amazing nurses, providers, but their touch points are quite different. They're more clinical. A nurse right is never going to see that patient again. Probably A provider may. A lot of water crosses under the bridge before they do and the visits are very short. They don't have time usually for processing, so that a lot of times that's where you hold the heavy with them. So that a lot of times that's where you hold the heavy with them.
Speaker 2:So this isn't really, you know, about solving anything. It's just about how to deal with what we have, sometimes with that processing, which I find to be very helpful, sometimes writing things down right or just sitting in silence. Sometimes I'll sit in my car just a few minutes after a difficult birth, even if I'm so exhausted I've been up all night or two nights I'll come home and just kind of sit in it and let myself feel those things right and also just honoring, honoring everything, that something has happened, something difficult, something sacred, something is triumphant. You know there's lots of different emotions. We can roll into that, even if it's messy, even if it hurts, something happened and other things you can do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as we talked about, speaking with somebody who knows and gets it realize that you're not alone. There's other people who do understand what it is you're going through, whether you're the person that had a challenging birth or you're a doula who was a part of the challenging birth. But we're not meant to do this absolutely by ourselves. We that's not possible. We need to kind of lean on each other. So, speaking about resilience, right, like there's some births that make me want to retire. I'm like I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore, but the finding a piece of strength to go on, knowing it's important to do this hard work, knowing that there's plenty of amazing along the way, right, I feel so fortunate to have this role as a doula and IBCLC lactation consultant, postpartum doula to impact people, and hopefully in positive ways, at this very pivotal time in their life. It's such an incredible honor.
Speaker 2:So this is about adapting adapting the good with the hard, adapting the triumphs with the heavy and carrying what you've seen, what you've felt, what you've heard, what you've witnessed, with tenderness for you and tenderness for others. And as you do so, that will benefit others as you move forward. So allowing these birth experiences to shape you, not to shatter you, not to crush you Sometimes they do but let them just help you to grow and learn and experience in ways you may not otherwise be able to. So every hard moment can just kind of and I feel this, like I feel this building Every difficult moment can come become a tapestry sorry, a thread and a tapestry of who you are, as a doula or as a person you know, as somebody has an experience with a difficult birth in their life. Speaking, I'm kind of thinking of the client where we were watching the baby for four hours to see if this little baby was going to make it man that solid, that solidified some mom and dad roles in a unique way there, that they probably learned a lot from right. This doesn't agonistically define us, but reminding ourselves that as we show up and keep showing up, then that's going to be what's important.
Speaker 2:So, to those of you who are listening, they're holding something hard, holding something heavy. Maybe it's a story, a silence, kind of a moment that just won't leave you, or those moments that build over time. Just know you're not alone. You're allowed to feel that, you're allowed to hurt, you're allowed to heal. You're not alone. So hopefully you can find some kind of ritual.
Speaker 2:Sometimes rituals help, whether that's doing some deep breathing, right. Some rituals that we use with our clients all the time can be applied to us as well, or anyone, as they're dealing with difficult things. Some people will. You know, fire, I think, is amazing, whether it's a candle or a campfire. Lighting a candle and just spending a little time looking at that, just kind of processing it. Your brain watching something active, something that's has a little life of its own, and how it jumps and changes. That could be watching a stream or watching a camp or watching a baby, you know, very kind of focuses and watches babies too. That can be healing. It can also, you know, touch on some trauma for sure. So I just want you to kind of realize that. I want to acknowledge that there is hard stuff, right, there are difficult things, and to kind of know that.
Speaker 2:So being a doula means touching on both life and loss, triumph and tragedy. It all is wrapped up together and it means not just showing up and being there when everything's amazing, but also when it's silent and when it's hard, and there's a certain kind of love that comes into, that kind of a love of humanity which I feel so absolutely honored to be a part of. I know, you know, as I have kids who are now growing up and entering the workforce and choosing professions. One of them said to me the other day she's like mom. I thought that everyone was passionate about what they did in life and that adults had jobs that they absolutely loved. But now, as I'm entering the workforce and I'm an adult myself, I'm finding that that is so, um, it's kind of rare and it's such a gift to have a job that you're actually that you are absolutely passionate about and absolutely love. So, while this is hard, I can say I am very passionate about it and absolutely love it.
Speaker 2:The hard thing has taught me a lot about the good things. The tragedies taught me a lot about triumph, and I'm so grateful as I look back on my experiences, grateful for the clients who have shared those hard things with me. I hold them in my heart really, really deeply and in a place of precious honor and I remember them. I think back often on clients that have had difficult things and I ponder on them, I worry about them, I think how they're doing, and I'm grateful and I keep in touch with a lot of them as well. So it kind of formed these pretty awesome bonds which I'm grateful to be able to experience.
Speaker 2:So hopefully this isn't too heavy of an episode. But, yeah, I just wanted to kind of address some of the hard, as I've pulled out some of those points throughout the year and just acknowledge it that, yeah, this can be hard work, whether you're the person having a baby or somebody helping someone have a baby. Partners too right Partners can have that difficult and that hard. So I think it's important to know that, to know, just acknowledge it, let it be there and let it be the teacher that it can be. Hopefully you have some opportunities to learn from the good and the bad, the heavy and the light as you go through your work and your experiences in life.
Speaker 2:Thanks so much for being here with us today on the Ordinary Doula podcast. This is Angie Rozier signing off and, as always, I want you to just encourage you to reach out. Maybe reach out to somebody who you know has had a hard or difficult time. Check in on them, make a human connection. I know that you will be better for it, and so will they. Hope you have a great one and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rozier, hosted by Birth Learning. Episode credits will be in the show notes Tune in next time as we continue to explore the many aspects of giving birth. Thank you.