The Ordinary Doula Podcast

E94: The Confident Birth Partner: Simple Ways to Show Up and Steady the Room

• Angie Rosier • Episode 94

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We share how non‑doula support—partners, friends, and family—can steady the room, shorten labor, and raise confidence through simple, human tools. Presence beats perfection as we lay out physical comfort, emotional grounding, and clean advocacy in plain language.

• why continuous support changes labor outcomes
• roles any trusted person can play at birth
• physical tools such as counterpressure, knee press, position changes
• small resets including sips of cold water and cool washcloths
• emotional steadiness through breath, words, and eye contact
• advocacy by asking clear questions and naming preferences
• what not to do, from phones to arguing
• how to prepare: practice at home, pack well, plan backup
• personal stories that show what effective support looks like
• a reminder that presence matters more than perfection

Make a human connection today—reach out to someone and make somebody else feel a little bit better today


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Show Credits

Host: Angie Rosier
Music: Michael Hicks
Photographer: Toni Walker
Episode Artwork: Nick Greenwood
Producer: Gillian Rosier Frampton
Voiceover: Ryan Parker

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rosier, hosted by Birth Learning, where we help prepare folks for labor and birth with expertise coming from 20 years of experience in a busy doula practice, helping thousands of people prepare for labor, providing essential knowledge and tools for positive and empowering birth experiences.

SPEAKER_00:

Those who work with doulas, those who don't, those who can afford a doula, those who can't, those who are doulas, those who are not. But we kind of just want to share experience and expertise with those who could who are interested, basically. So the topic for today kind of leads to I'm gonna take the doula out of it actually. And if we have a situation where there is no doula, that's kind of what we're gonna talk about, what support people um can do. So we're gonna talk about one of the most powerful tools in the birthing room, and it's not medical equipment, it's not even a special technique, it is just human support. So, and I'm I'm gonna take again the doula piece out of that. This would be partner support or um spouse support or whoever it is is your main um birthing support person. So when someone's in labor, the people around her can make such a huge difference in how um she's experiencing birth, whether it's a husband, a partner, a mom, a sister, a friend, um, your presence, your words, your hands, your energy, um, your calm demeanor can be incredibly grounding and empowering for the laboring person. So we're gonna explore what why support matters so much, what that could look like in real time in real life, and some simple ways that you can step into that role with confidence, even though you may have never done it before or you haven't been to a birth. If you're a dad to be a best friend, a sister who's been asked to be there, um, we want to give some practical tools today to just help you be successful and be the confident anchor that might be needed. So let's dive into what we can do to help the laboring person feel seen, safe, strong, um, and supported during childbirth. So support matters, right? The role of of uh, and when you look at support, there's emotional support, there's physical support, there's um just presence being present support, there's informational support. Um, so provide with emotional connection is huge, right? Breath writing, reassurance, presence, your just your presence helps reduce fear. Um, evidence shows us that when someone feels supported, and that kind of feels different, maybe for different people, labors can be shorter, um, there's less need for interventions, satisfaction of the birth experience is greater, and support does not have to be perfect, right? Like presence is key, willingness, um, willingness and appropriate presence is much more important than perfection and then expertise, right? Um, there's different kinds of support people. We've got uh very commonly it's a spouse or a boyfriend. We've also got maybe um a lot of people have female companions, a mom, a sister, a friend might be someone they've chosen to help support them through this experience. Um maybe you've, you know, you've been a mom or sister, a friend at other births. Maybe you've had the opportunity to have babies yourself. Um, could be just like a best friend, maybe who has or has not had children. And we're gonna kind of leave doulas. We're gonna leave the professional support people out of this conversation. And um, because there's lots of people, only about four to six percent of births in the United States are attended by professional support people. So that's a lot of births happening out there that don't have either the awareness. Um, a lot of times it's not the means, right? The financial means to have a doula. Um, so we're gonna talk about everyone else and how they can offer that support. Um, anyone who's trusted and chosen by the birthing person can be that support, can be a positive role. So here's some practical ways to help during the labor process. A lot of it is physical support, and physical support is done with your body a lot of times. Um, and you're supporting their body in some way. This could include touch. Like there's a I sometimes I come back from a birth and I've done a lot of touching, right? Um, so be prepared to touch. That includes massage, that can be counterpressure, and sometimes massage is pretty firm. Sometimes it can be light touch massage. We'll talk about how to know what you want to use. It can be just simply holding hands, um, it can be stroking someone's hair, it can be knee press, um, but helping someone change positions, like reminding them to change positions, checking in, are they comfortable in this position? How is this working for you? Is there anything you want to change? Like check in often, be observant, be very observant about the physical surroundings, what's around us, what can we use? Um, right in there in the position that they're in, wherever they are. Um, maybe they need a little support under their foot or they need to shift a little bit in the bed. So kind of be observant to um the physical physicality and the physical space they're in. Offer water. That's a great little trick. Just have a like a cold. Um, usually it's cold, doesn't have to be, but cold and refreshing. Um, it might have a sweetness to it, whether that's like some electrolytes or um, you know, some something with a little boost to it, have that and offer it frequently, especially during active labor. Taking little sips of cold, refreshing water or drink of choice is kind of a reset between contractions. Washcloths, cold washcloths, run them under the water, fan them in the air, put them in an ice bucket or a bowl full of ice is gonna be really handy. That is a great little tool. I have a whole episode on the fabulous washcloth if you want to check that out. Um, and and a physical support can also be your body acting as a gatekeeper, kind of. So for the person's space, like minimize disruptions. Um, speak up, be an advocate if you need to, when you need to. Um, sometimes I'll place myself, you know, and you can do the same. I'll place my body in a place that's open and um inclusive of the birthing person. If everybody else is standing, I might sit so that somebody's on their level. There's little rolling stools or birth balls in the room. So get get on the level of the birthing person. Um sometimes I'll get right down the floor, squatted on the floor, and then, you know, be in the bathroom with them, be near them when they're on the toilet, but be physically present. That adds to physical support as well. And then emotional support is huge, right? That can come in the form of presence. Um, it can come from your words if you offer words of encouragement. Um, remind her that she is whatever she wants to be reminded about that might be strong, um, reminded that she's connected to her baby, remind her um she can do hard things, remind her she's making good progress, remind her this is normal. Um, there's a and as you you're gonna know your person, right? Like as you know your person, you'll know what to say to get to them. And also you being steady, being steady and calm, especially when they're trying to focus. Like sometimes labor takes a good bit of focus, which can be eating up a lot of energy. Um, so be that calming presence kind of. You might not feel calm, but they're gonna look to you for a source of strength. Breathe with them, do some breathing. I do lots of breathing with folks. I even push sometimes, like in my body, I'll like do some good ab engagement and pretend or help to push, but breathe together. You can get in sync, your rhythm can get in sync with their body. Um, eye contact. Sometimes some of the most challenging and intense parts when I've supported people in labor, it is like some pretty crazy eye contact where they are just hanging on to the edge. There's a uh look in their eye, right? And and they can keep steady with you as they're just looking for something to grasp onto. Proverbally, um, that eye contact can be pretty, pretty important. So be that grounding presence. Um, and sometimes you just reach out and and you're doing some touch, you're doing um, maybe when they're sleeping, you're just touching them or resting, sleeping between contractions, but being present will be a huge form of emotional support. And I'm talking about like fully present, right? Don't be distracted, don't be on your phone. I cannot tell you how many times people in labor get pretty snippy if they see their partner on their phone or something on their computer, like, get off that. That's enough. So be prepared. And that can be your energy, right? That's a lot of energy to can be completely present, especially if things get long um or you get tired or we're going overnight, but the presence is huge. It's very grounding. And then the advocacy support. So like you don't have to know everything, you don't have to understand everything, but you can ask clarifying questions. So help communicate with medical staff, like when the laboring woman wants you to, right? If she's busy, if she's tired, if she's sleeping, um, maybe she's not in a place where she can have a full conversation because she's pretty focused on what it is she's doing. Um, ask those questions for her and remember her birth preferences. Like hopefully, this is something you've gone over in preparation time ahead of time. If you're gonna be a support person, you need to know the game plan, right? So what is important to this person? What what's what's kind of their strategy? How are they gonna work through labor? How do they want people helping them? What are their tools? What are their birth preferences when it comes to um baby care stuff, that immediate stuff? Are we doing, you know, delayed cord clamping? Are we doing skin to skin? Especially at that time when she's so engaged in what she's doing that she forgets and doesn't care and doesn't know what she wants at that point. It's just hard to communicate that. It's not that it's no longer important to her, but it's very difficult to communicate those desires when things are kind of intense. So remember the birth preferences and speak out about them. Um ask those clarifying questions, slow down decision making. If mom looks overwhelmed or seems overwhelmed, very, very rarely in childbirth do we need to rush into things? Now, sometimes we really gotta rush, right? And you'll know about those times, but um you can oftentimes say, hey, is anyone in danger? Is mom or baby in danger? All right, can we talk about this? Can we ask a few questions about this? We want to come to understand this. Can you tell us what our other options are? If she doesn't want to do this, what else can she do? That's my favorite thing. Doulas provide is they know all the answers to that, right? So they know there's four or five other things we could do or try or whatever, but you can ask those. Ask those of your nurse, of your doctor, whoever it is that is helping you. Um make sure that you understand, ask enough questions so that you feel comfortable with the information you have so that you can help make those decisions and the birthing mom can make those decisions. So here's a little list of what not to do. Um don't focus on your own discomfort. I've had dads. It's kind of cute. And some of them have done it in jest, like uh one particular dad, he's like, uh, this is kind of boring. How long is this gonna take? And really, truly, there are parts of labor, long parts of labor, that are incredibly boring. Um, and but but don't focus on your own discomfort or gosh, I'm hungry, gosh, I'm tired. Like, don't you even dare say that, right? Put that aside. Um, I guarantee you, and as I help people at birth, no matter how tired I am or whatever, I am not working nearly as hard as the person having the baby is. Don't minimize your pain, right? Like, um, by observing or saying or thinking um or verbalizing, like, yeah, this is not so bad. Um, this doesn't look too bad. Um like trust her and everything that she says and that she says she feels. If she says it's hard, it's hard. Um, if she says she's okay, you know, watch her for that. Um, but you know, some people, even at early stages, might be feeling more like they're in late stages. That happens unfortunately. Um, but never, never minimize pain. Don't disappear, right? Like that's like whether you just disappear emotionally or you disappear, your presence isn't really present. That is incredibly um isolating for people. If like somebody's sitting right there, but they're not really there, they're on their phone, they're bored, they've fallen asleep. Like, um, and that's that's a whole nother thing is how to take care of yourself because it's a lot of work. I want you to be prepared to be working pretty hard because to be the sole support person, it is a bit of work. Um, but be present again, presence is huge. Avoid arguing or being distracted. Don't argue with her for sure. Um, don't argue with the staff. That can um, you know, that just brings strife into the space and and be very uh make a team out of it, right? Like make a team out of the staff, invite them onto your team, appreciate their teamwork with you, um, and collaborate with them, just collaborate with them. They are looking out for your best interests, we hope, right? So um let them know that that's what you believe their job is and and learn from them. Learn from them as you work on that together. Um, avoid scrolling on your phone. That's a big one. Video games. I have been in hospital rooms, um, some hospitals I've worked in, like as lactation, and we go in and this is also more in the postpartum. I've seen it in labor as well. And a partner has brought in a whole gaming system and a TV to go with it. Sometimes a rather large um TV and maybe a friend, maybe a friend to kind of go with that. And in those long, boring days or days after in postpartum, um, they might just sit and play games. So uh if if if she's cool with that, you know, just check in real closely if she's gonna be good at that. Um, another thing you can do is prepare ahead of time, like before labor ever begins, learn some stuff, right? Knowledge is power, and the more you learn, the more you know. Um, and that will be incredibly that's an incredibly valuable asset to have is knowledge. You're not gonna know as much as the nurses know, as much as the doctor knows, but because you know your person the best, you are you can be the very best support person for this particular person in labor because you know and love them. You got skin in the game because you're supporting someone that you love. So attend childbirth classes together, read books together. Um, a lot of times we have the birthing person who's prepared incredibly well, they're reading all the books, they're doing this stuff, and a partner hasn't, they're coming along, right? Maybe they don't even go to all the classes, um, they don't read too many of the books, but invest yourself then um ahead of time. I know it gets old talking about only babies, pregnancy, childbirth, um, but it will pay off during the that labor time. And talk about in that pre-labor time, this could be you know week, sorry, month three or month seven or all throughout pregnancy, what are her hopes? What are her fears? What does she hope from you? What what role does she want you to play? And maybe if you don't feel adequate in playing that whole role, you do bring in another support person, like, all right, looks like you want this stuff from me. I might need some help. What about if we have your best friend come? Or what if we have your mom or your sister come? Also, what are her fears? You know, like we you may find that she is incredibly nervous about needles or hospital spaces don't help her feel comfortable because of a past experience, or she knows somebody who had a rough outcome with a pregnancy or something like what are her fears? And that can help as you navigate through the whole process together. What are her preferences? What does she want? Like if it was her dream labor, right? Like if this went exactly how you want to go, what would that look like? Um, what's our time frame on that? What's the support? What's perfect support look like for you? Um, get those birth preferences. How do you want the baby to be handled afterwards? Like as far as what newborn cares and what does immediate postpartum look like for you? What do you want there? And you'll the these themes will come out, like um what she's nervous about, what she most wants. Those will be your um key points to support throughout the process. And as you learn things together, practice them at home. Like, practice at home, practice before labor begins goes a really long way in the labor in at labor time, right? It's the day of, and you're like, all right, we've done these things. I know you like this. I have done counterpressure before. I know what knee press is. It will give you tools to be successful, things that you know she likes, things that she's like, yep, I like it. I like when you do this. Um, turns out I don't like that. But um have some tools in your kit so that you have something to pull out when she needs a little bit of help and it's not the first time you're thinking about this. Pack snacks for you, for her. Um, a lot of times you might need to dash over and grab a quick snack. Take drinks yourself, right? Support yourself. Um, music. Music's a great tool for you, for her, and essentials for both of you. Think of going into a really bad hotel for like three days. Like, what do you need if you go to a poor hotel, right? They have terrible pillows, they have terrible towels, shampoo conditioner, maybe not, you know. What would it like bare bones? We have a bed, not even a good one, um, a bathroom, not a great one. Um, what would you need to take care of yourself in a bad hotel for three, four days? And what does she need to take care of herself at that same time? That's what you kind of want to take with you as far as personal care items. Um, take a change of clothes for you. You can take showers there if you want. Don't, you know, don't take too long in the shower. Um, but take care of yourself. And I always like to have partners like gum handy, brush your teeth. Like sometimes you're in pretty close quarters to each other, and you want to be a pleasant presence that way. Um so remember to take things for both of you, physical things that can be literal tools and figurative tools as well. Um, so so support, there's there's lots of ways to support. Um, but your effort is probably the best way to support. Nobody in the room is gonna know this person as well as you do, if they're your partner, if they're your sister, if they're your best friend, if it's your daughter. Um, so regardless of their expertise, their knowledge, how many years they've been doing this, how many babies they've delivered, they don't know this person like you do, right? You know this person's history, um, you know their hopes, their fears, how they think about things, how they receive things. So that puts you in an incredibly pivotal position to help this person have a positive um birth. So it doesn't mean doing everything or doing everything perfectly. It just means being present, being loving, being responsive, being an advocate for a person that you love. Um, your presence matters more than your perfection, right? So think of ways that like when your partner has um when they're sick, how do you help them best? What do they like most? Or when they're nervous about something, when they've got a big thing going on at work or school or um a big family, maybe there's some family drama, how do they best work through that? If they've got an injury or illness or a big event, say they're an athlete, and how are they gonna plan and prepare for this event? You're gonna take little pieces of all of that and you can kind of build a customized package to help this person through um the labor process. So I want you to know you can be an amazing support person. As we wrap up today's conversation, remember that support during labor does not mean having all the answers or doing everything exactly correct. It means being you, being present. It means showing up, showing up with love, with patience, like show up with patience, um, having a willingness to meet her where she's at. There are some births that I've been to um where the partner can do nothing right. Um, and that's tough, right? It's normal. Like people in labor, when we start getting seeing that kind of stuff and people are snippy and snap at everybody, they're pretty close to having a baby and it's awesome. But um, don't take it personal. Like whatever they say or do if they snap at you, that's labor talking, right? Labor and your loving partner's personality as well, mixed with that. Um, but people get pretty snippy. I was at a labor recently, um, where the dad, and I've done plenty of counterpressure in my life, but the way the dad did it, the mom liked it best. So it was put him in a pretty awkward position physically, um, the way she wanted it. It was hard for both of us to work on it because how she wanted him to do it. The poor guy had done it all day, and then through the night as I was with him, um, towards the end of labor, um, that wasn't working. And what he tried didn't work. Super normal, right? Like that I love what you're doing, I hate what you're doing, and it switches like hot and cold just really quickly. Um, another birth I was at recently. Uh, the dad, I came in and spelled out another doula at this birth. Um, and the partner did not get up off the bed. Granted, it was nighttime for like the first six or seven hours, probably that I was there. And he'd been incredibly active with um her all throughout the day, never left her side, um, was incredibly supportive. And then it was he was tired, you know, he took he got an awesome sleep, like massive nap, night of sleep. Um, and I was her support person during the night. And so I didn't see him in action. And then as the baby was getting close to being born, he got up off his little bed and um got super involved again. And and there were some tough moments. And he, although I hadn't seen him do much, I know he had done a lot, um, he became exactly what she needed. And at that point, our roles reversed, where I'd helped her for several, several hours. Now he was back helping her because he knew what to do and what to say to get to her, um, which is incredibly valuable. So whether you're just holding a hand, whether you're pressing the lower part of her back, whether you're just reminding her to breathe and breathing with her, maybe you're just standing simply and quietly by her side, you are making a difference. Your calm presence can be the anchor that helps this person while the waves of labor are coming, right? They just come. Um and what your confidence and your strength can be incredibly valuable. So you don't have to be a professional about this. Um, but you, as you prepare to be a support person, take a little time before the big day. Talk with her about she what she wants, how what how she wants you to help, what she thinks will help. Um, practice a few things together. The more connected you are on your objectives and your goals there going into it, um, the more connected you'll be in the moment, right? And the more prepared you will feel, the more successful you'll feel. Hopefully that gives you a few things to think about, to try. It is such an incredible honor. Hopefully, it's a really connecting experience for you to connect the two of you. Um, but it's an honor for me every time. And hopefully you feel that way too, to witness somebody do something like that. Like it is a choice, human experience, really. Um, and so hopefully you can look at it that way too. That it's just an incredible honor to witness that. It's pretty cool. You have got what it takes, is you as long as you listen, you're connected, you come in with some tools, you know and love this person more than anybody else. So I wish you the very best. Um, take what you've got, add a little bit to it, and you will be an incredible support person and for your partner as they go through the labor and birth experience. So I want to thank you so much today for being with us with the Ordinary Doula podcast. Um, as always, connection is a big thing. I want you to make a some human connection today, make it soon, um, but reach out to someone in some way and make a human connection, make somebody else feel a little bit better today. You'll be better for it too. Thanks for being with us. Angie Rosier signing off, and we'll see you next time on the Ordinary Doula Podcast.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you for listening to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Rosier, hosted by Birth Learning. Episode credits will be in the show notes. And next time, as we continue to explore the many aspects of giving birth.