E119: My Birth Stories Part 2

Water breaks at 7:30 a.m. and you think, “Lunch time baby.” Then the hours crawl by, your house is spotless, everyone is waiting, and you start doing the mental math of a possible transfer. I’m Angie Roger, and I’m finishing my personal birth stories with the two home births that reshaped my understanding of what support really means, especially when life is already full of kids, work, and big feelings.

I share what it was like to move from hospital births to a planned home birth with a conservative, experienced midwife and a clear Plan B at a nearby hospital midwifery group I trust. You’ll hear about the emotional weight of miscarriage, the surprise of secondary infertility, and how years of attending births as a doula changed what I wanted for my own care team. I also read from my journal of my final pregnancy and labor, including the stop start rhythm after my water broke, the relief of the birth tub, and the moment intensity got so real my brain reached for “an epidural” even though I was at home.

We talk postpartum too, because the baby may be out, but real life is still right there: hungry kids, exhaustion, and the difference practical help can make. If you’re building a birth plan, considering home birth or water birth, or searching for honest perspective on unmedicated birth, midwifery care, and postpartum support, this story is for you. If it resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s expecting, and leave a review so more families can find the show.

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Show Credits

Host: Angie Rosier 
Music: Michael Hicks 
Photographer: Toni Walker
Episode Artwork: Nick Greenwood 
Producer: Gillian Rosier Frampton
Voiceover: Ryan Parker

Transcript

Welcome And Why These Stories

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with Angie Roger, hosted by Birth Learning, where we help prepare folks for labor and birth with expertise coming from 20 years of experience in a busy doula practice, helping thousands of people prepare for labor, providing essential knowledge and tools for positive and empowering birth experiences.

Choosing To Try And Miscarriage

Years Of Trying While Doula Work Grows

Picking A Home Birth Team

Water Breaks And A Long Waiting Day

Fast Tub Labor And Fourth Birth

Postpartum Reality And Support Needs

Trying Again With Another Loss

Journal Reading For Final Pregnancy

Stop Start Labor And Transfer Thoughts

Midnight Shift Into Active Labor

Pushing Roar And Baby Boy

Placenta Repair And Postpartum Doula

Gratitude Advice And Closing Connection

SPEAKER_00 0:51

My name is Angie Roger, your host, and I'm happy to be here with you today. Today's episode is a continuation, a part due, sorry, a part two of my episode last time that's telling and sharing my very own birth stories, which as I mentioned last time I feel kind of weird about. So kind of going on a limb, sharing some personal stuff here of my life with you. But thanks for indulging me. It's been uh an interesting exercise to do this. So I'm gonna continue my birth stories. As if you listened to the last episode, I had three little girls um all born in hospitals unmedicated, just barely getting onto my doula journey right after my third was born, actually. So it was in 2003. So I became a doula when she was just a little baby, and I kind of started a business. It took a while to get it rolling, but boy, oh boy, did it get rolling. And I became a pretty busy birth doula with a steady flow of clients. Um, and I had these three little girls in my life, and and and I've been a doula their whole lives, as far as they remember, right? Um, and had always a plan A, plan B, plan C, had some sitters lined up because I was doing births. And it was a great mom job, honestly. I loved it because I was mostly home with my kids unless I was at a birth or doing prenatal appointments, which sometimes was a lot, but um it worked out well for me where I got to mostly, which at the time I loved, consider myself a stay-at-home mom, um, and got to kind of you know do a work that I loved on the side, which was sometimes um front and center, and um be present in a way that was important for me at the time with my little girls. So, like I said previously, I never liked to uh decide to be pregnant, like it was really, really hard. Uh I because I was so sick for so long, felt helpless, useless. Um, and I loved to run and be active, and it was that was challenging towards the end. So, but I love birth, right? I think it's awesome. Pregnancy is a great thing. So a couple years goes by, I have these three little girls, and I said to my husband, I'm like, huh, you know what? What if we like decided to have a baby? Our last two um pregnancies were a surprise, kind of, right? Our first we tried for for quite a while before she came along, and our second, third, we're kind of like, oh, here we go, we're having a baby. So I feel like a little sense of control in my life now because two years have gone by, I'm not pregnant. And I said to him, like, what if we tried to get pregnant? So we did. It felt really empowering to have some control over that part of our life. So first month, boom, pregnant. Like, wow, now that's that was easy. Um, however, I had a miscarriage about nine weeks later. So I'm like, wow, okay, that that can happen too, um, which was very informative to me, taught me um a lot of things. I know to some people miscarriages are um incredibly devastating. Um, and while I was um disappointed, obviously, and sad, um, because your mind starts going down one path and then it kind of stops, right? You have to like stop that path and and envision a new, a different future. I wasn't crazy far along, you know, nine weeks, but that was an adjustment. Um, so I learned a lot um through that experience, grateful for that, for that difficult experience. So I'm like, okay, I guess we're not as in control as we thought. So give it a little bit of time. Um, and and I again still I'm a doula, right? I'm like a busy doula working in this world. So I'm getting more fired up about birth and more passionate about it. I had my own three great experiences, but I think they could be better. So as I'm helping my clients and I'm in the childbearing years myself, I'm like going, oh, I love this hospital, love that midwife, love that doctor, great home birth here, great home birth there. I'm seeing a lot of options and stuff available to me and envisioning and imagining what I would want to do again. So a little while goes by and we try to get pregnant. Uh again, nothing happens, nothing happens, nothing happens. We actually go through six years of this, like nothing happening, right? Like nothing happening, nothing happening. Um, and that got discouraging. Like, I'm like, what? Like I was in my 20s for my first first three kids. They came just boom boom boom, you know, didn't even think about it. Like I felt pretty fertile at that point. And now that I'm trying, um, had a miscarriage and then nothing. And that got frustrating. And it got to the point where we'd try six months out of the year because it was difficult every single month. And I have very regular periods. I'm like a 28-day, super regular, super predictable. I knew when it would start. It was, you know, very predictable, five, six-day period, and then my cycle was very regular and normal. Um, so I got pretty good at knowing, you know, when um it was ovulating and things like that. Um, but nothing was happening. So we took a break of on trying for so we'd use condoms or whatever for half the year because it was just difficult to get a no and a no and a not this month. And sorry, not yet. Um, that became kind of became an emotional burden. Um, so we tried half the time. Um, still nothing, still nothing. But I'm going to births and stuff, and I and in my head, I'm like, all right, maybe maybe three little girls it is, you know. Um planning on having more kids, but maybe that's not gonna be our route. Um so we moved to a larger house, and I'm like, all right, um, this is cool, you know. We we our family, you know, our three kids were getting a little bit bigger. Our oldest was now 11. So we had 11-year-old, nine-year-old, six, seven-year-old, six-year-old. Um, I thought, okay, maybe, maybe this is our life. And it was a good life, good life with three little girls. And then suddenly, six years later, I find that I'm pregnant. I'm like, oh, wow, okay. Um, and I'd had a miscarriage before too. So I'm a little more cautious this time. Like, we'll see, you know, if this kind of sticks. Um, and it did. And at this point, I'd seen a lot of different experiences. I've been to a lot of home births and birth center births and tons of hospital births now. I've seen a lot of things that can happen, a lot of the possibilities. And I was much more conscientious about my provider and place this time. And I explored the home birth option. I met with a couple different midwives and very difficult decision for me. I wanted everyone to be my midwife, all the great midwives that I knew. Um, I was considering several of them, um, interviewed with some of them, narrowed it down. It was a hard, hard decision for me. Um, but I ended up going with someone who I'd done home births with her before. I'd been her birth assistant a little bit. Um, I liked her conservative approach. She had been doing this for 35 years. Um, and so inevitably, like in the end, that's who we selected. And I also chose to have congruent care with a midwifery group at a nearby hospital that I liked and trusted as well. So I go through this pregnancy, I'm sick. Now I have three little girls to be sick for. I sit on my couch and on my bed and I stare out the window for many more weeks than before. So now I'm sick for like 18 weeks, and I just feel useless and helpless. And my poor husband and my kids are just doing everything. Um, and I can pull it together to go to a birth. I'm still going to births. I wouldn't, I went to births till the very end. Like sometimes they would ask which one of us was having the baby. Um, but I went to, I think I was at 39 and a half weeks even. Um, nope, nope, nope. Uh 38 and a half weeks at my last birth um for a repeat client or something. So I choose a home birth midwife. I loved about her, her conservative approach. And she said, my husband was a little bit wary of it, and we met with her and others, and he's like, Yeah, okay, I think I can get behind this. I have a very healthy, boring health history, pregnancy history, um, had not had any red flags, you know, and she's a very conservative. And she said, if any of us think for any time that we should transfer, we do. No questions asked. Um, and I had with congruent care, I know where I'd be going. It was a close hospital, I knew who my providers there would be. Um, and remember, my first baby came one day before the due date, second baby one day before the due date, third baby eight days past the due date. So with this fourth baby, uh I now have older kids, kind of, um, she came a week early. And on a Saturday morning, I was laying in bed. It's about 7:30 in the morning, and I felt a pop. I'm like, oh gosh, I think that's if that's what I think it is. And I kind of dashed over to the bathroom, pop in a gush. Um, and I'm like, well, there my water broke with my first baby. If you recall, my water broke, and she was born five hours later. So I'm thinking, all right, it's Saturday. Um, this baby could be born pretty quick, maybe by lunchtime. Um, we gotta be ready for this. So we kind of got things ready, we tidied up the house, did our last little bit of minute bit of bits of nesting, let our midwife know I had a doula selected. Um, I was gonna have a neighbor come over and be with my girls. Kind of the plan was that maybe that my girls who are 11, 9, and 6 would be present. Um, we prepared them for that. They took little classes, they watched videos, and because I was a doula, that was normal dinner time conversation for us. Um, so I'm preparing for some contractions, got a couple throughout the day, not much. I'm on the ball, no contractions. My midwife came over, checked me out a couple times, fetal heart tones, temperature, things like that. Not much is going on. So we start taking matters into our own hands. We're doing nipple stimulation, we're going for a walk. So I had a chiropractor come over, we're doing kohosh, we're doing castro, like all of the things. And the hours are just ticking by. This day is just going by, going by, going by. And I remember feeling so helpless as I'm watching the hours tick by and nothing's going on. And I'm like, am I gonna have to transfer? Like, I don't want to wrap my head around that was difficult. And by the end of this Saturday, it's now nighttime, it's dark, ready for, you know, the kids are have had a day, the house is like tip-top shape, ready to have a baby be born. We worked on it. We didn't work on all day, but we had all day to work on if we wanted to. Um, and nothing's going on. So the kids finally go to bed. And within um just a few hours of that, I think when they were settled, nighttime had come, my labor finally started, like at 11 30 p.m. And didn't know it, but it was gonna last about three and a half hours. So I let my midwife know who we'd been in a lot of contact with, and and it'd been a really frustrating day for me. Like, oh, we're finally in a pattern. So she came, her assistant came, um, and I filled up my own home bathtub at the time, got in the bathtub, because remember, my home, my births before, I was sitting in my home bathtub and thinking, I didn't know at the time, but these little home birth seeds were being planted in my own head by myself and my own bathtub. I'm like, gosh, this is nice. I wish the doctor would just come here. I don't want to get up and get dressed and get in a car and go for a drive. Um, and now I was doing that. I was in my own home bathtub. The midwife was there, she had everything set up. Um, and my labors before had been five-ish hours, 20 hours, and nine hours. So we were like, yeah, we probably have some time. And things picked up pretty quickly. Uh, the midwife was set up, we were gonna get my kids up, a friend was gonna come and be with them, and we didn't have time for any of that. Um, I recall as the midwife was arriving um in my head, and I was probably pretty close to transition at this point, having some irrational thoughts, as is very common. And I remember thinking I was in the bathroom looking at them all like, when she gets here, I am going to ask for an epidural. Now remember, mind you, I'm at home. I'm doing a home birth. There's that's not an option. Um, but that was an example for me of what some irrational thoughts were. And she got there, she got things set up, and there's no epidural to be had. And I then I let my husband know, because it's really hard to get words out at this point. He was right there with me. I loved being in the water, and I could feel in my body that things had shifted. And I said to him, Tell them this is pushing. That's all I could get out. Tell them this is pushing. So he let them know. Um, sure enough, this cute little baby crowns, and I was a little older, like not old, but older for me, right? My kids were now a little older. Um, this pregnancy was a little bit different, a little bit harder. Um, and I decided, like, I don't want to do this again. Like, this is, you know, I thought I wanted five kids, but turns out like I don't want to do this pregnancy thing again. Like, this is too hard with older kids who are busy and going everywhere and um driving them all over the planet, and I've got my busy doula work going on, and just putting a pregnancy in that is challenging. Um, so I said, probably not gonna do this again. Well, as soon as that baby was born, there's another girl, by the way. Um, she gets put on my chest in the bathtub. And I knew instantly this this feeling flooded over me, like you're gonna do this again. Um, and I conceded to that right there in that moment, which was a pretty impactful moment, I guess. Like, yeah, I am gonna be doing this again. Um, so um baby's born in my tub. We get out after a little while, the placenta comes there, um, make our way to our bed. I loved it. Um my my friend that was gonna watch the kids did come over. She missed it. My doula missed it. My sister-in-law came over as well. They were all there for the postpartum. Somebody made me toast and cottage cheese and was feeding me water and juice and like just replenishing like they do at home birth so often after delivery. Um, just loving on my baby, sitting in my own bed, looked down to breastfeed her. My kids were awesome breastfeeders. I don't know why. I just lucked out. I didn't realize. Now that I'm an IBC LC, I'm like, wow, I had it pretty dang easy. Um, she latched, she did great. I saw her cute little dimple. She is now 17 years old and still has the cutest little dimple. But when I got a good look at her, I looked down, she was breastfeeding, I'm like, oh, she's a dimple on her little right cheek. Um, she also breastfed for like three years, um, a long breastfeeding journey for her. Um, and we went back to baby stuff, right? We'd gotten rid of everything after six years and going, you know, like maybe we aren't gonna have any more kids and conceding to that. And I will tell you, like, it was I babies for me anyway, just fit into my life well. Like you just haul them where you're going and um nurse them and sling them and and a pretty easy integration into life. And I love that worked well for us for our family and our style. And my girls were all just helpful, just little girls are just helpful little mothers sometimes. Um, so I was I was fortunate in that way as well. But we're going to dance and soccer, we're just you know busy at this time. And I felt a little bit bad dragging a baby through all their busy lives. Um, because when I had them, they were all we were just a little quieter life and we could just focus more on being at home. Um, but anyway, great experience, great home birth. And my husband's like, that is the way to go. That was awesome. Um, however, I learned this after she was born. Um, she was born in the middle of the night. Um, we have three other kids. They think they want breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. Um, we're tired. My husband's taking care of me, a baby, the birth team goes home within at that case, it was like five-ish hours. Um, and my poor husband's doing a lot, right? So we decided like, wow, that care in the hospital, you get when there's nurses, you push a little red button, there's help, meals come to you, there's no dishes, there's no laundry, there's no kids, like that's kind of nice. So um we learned if we did this again, we would hire a postpartum do life to kind of help with that. Um, and I will say, for the first few times we left the house, after several years of not having a baby around, we totally forgot the diaper bag. Like, we had to remember to take a diaper bag with us. So we integrate this little baby into our life, super cute. Um, and some years go by and we're like, all right, I I knew I was gonna be doing this again, um, regardless. So we start trying. Um, I got pregnant on purpose, uh, and had a miscarriage again at like nine weeks. Like, oh, all right, well, and even at nine weeks, I had not gotten sick yet. Both miscarriages, I didn't get sick, and so that was like a clue to me. Like, ah, usually I'm sick by like week five. Um, had a miscarriage, also, you know, did my learned my lessons from that again. Uh, and then went back to trying. Went back to trying only half the time because year, um, month after month getting a nope, not yet, not, you know, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant was difficult. People around me were having babies. I'm still a busy doula. I'm going to a tons of births. I'm, you know, picking my birth team over and over again. Like when I do this again. Um, and and life was good, like it was really good. Busy, busy, you know, kids and work and stuff is really busy, but good. And people around, I remember I had three sisters-in-law all having babies, and I was their doula. Um, and so they were all pregnant at the same time. And it was that was hard. That was honestly just a little bit hard as I was like trying, trying, trying to have a baby. So finally, out of the blue at this point, it just seems to happen out of the blue, no rhyme or reason. At this point, I am 38 years old, um, 37, 38 years old. And I have a 16-year-old, I have a 14-year-old, I have an 11-year-old, and I have a five-year-old. All girls. Um, and my husband is 43. We're like, oh my gosh. Like, um, I here we go, you know, here we go. This is our our fifth, our fifth and final baby. Um, life is even busier, right? Like, I have teenagers now, they're super busy in musicals and plays, and they're doing um dance and piano, and have a little cute little kindergartner at the time who's busy, and we were doing homeschool, and I'm a really busy doolo. I'm going to births again all throughout my pregnancy. That's hard. I'm sick. I'm sick again and having to do all this stuff, and this time I'm sick to 22 weeks. Super hard. Um, and everybody picks up and helps, which is phenomenal. I am really blessed that way that my family helped. Um, so my due date is like March 28th or something of 2014. So we're now into 2014, and I selected the same midwife as last time. I interviewed some other midwives. It's a such a hard decision for me. Um, and a midwife friend of mine from a hospital said, Hey, I might even just come over if that's okay. And um, I said, Yeah, that's great. This time I also hired a birth photographer to be there at the birth. And I'd had maternity photos and stuff like that before um and newborn photos, but I wanted a birth photographer this time. And finally we get to about a week before my due date, and I go into labor. And I wrote this, um, I journaled really well for all of my pregnancies, and I've kind of been reviewing that a little bit as I prepared for this, but I want to read. I'm just gonna read my journalings from this um this time. And I recorded this um within a week of having this last baby. This was a boy, by the way. So we're finally having our first boy, which is a big shift for our all-girl family, that we're gonna be doing something kind of different now. He actually just turned 12. Um, so while I was in, I was having babies for 16 years, it's been about 12 years since I had a baby. So it's really interesting to step out of that phase of life. I'm still in that phase with with clients, but not um professionally, or sorry, not personally as myself. So I want to read to you my journal musings around this time. This was written just after he was born, and I just called it my birth story. I want to capture every feeling, every image, every detail of this last pregnancy delivery, and baby. I'm very sad in a deep way to know I will never experience this again. But I also feel a profound peace in knowing that our family is complete. I'll admit this pregnancy was more difficult than my others. I'm guessing it was due to my being quote unquote older. Um, I felt like I was pregnant forever. My sickness came with a little black rain cloud filling as it usually does. The last couple of months were physically very difficult. The last couple of weeks are always heavy and big and hard, but this time that seemed to last for a couple of months. Sleeping was very difficult. Moving was downright painful sometimes. Comfort, anytime anywhere, was something I could not find. I wondered how much longer I could possibly be pregnant. We were hoping for the weekend of March 21st, 22nd, or 23rd. Um, I had a hospital CNM and she had emailed me, so I got congruent care again, about an induction date of 41 weeks. The reality of that. Surprised me and I felt more afraid of going to 41 weeks than of being induced. On Friday, March 21st, I took a long bath. Um being in the water brought good relief. Um, I struggled to shave my legs in the bath. I really hoped um to have this baby soon. That evening I watched a movie with my girls. Um and let's see, at 4 47 a.m. the next morning, I he-hoed myself out of bed to use the bathroom. I came back to bed hoping to doze off again. I was lying on my side when at 5 37 a.m. and this was a Saturday. My first home birth story and my second home birth story are remarkably similar in that they both started on a Saturday, about the same time in the same way. And you'll see they're they're very, very similar. It's really uncanny. I felt a tiny pop followed by a bubble gush, and my eyes were instantly wide open when I felt a second gush. Um, I knew as soon as I moved, I would have a torrent of fluid. Um, everybody said my baby had a lot of fluid around it as I was getting care, um, and I could absolutely feel the pressure of lots of fluid. Um, I made my way to the bathroom, and as soon as I got to the tile, there was a big gush. So I got past my carpet to the tile. Um, and when I was over the tile in the bathroom, there was a gush. I sat on the toilet and I thought about what this meant for our day, our weekend. I smiled big inside and out, but I was also afraid because I knew I had a hard thing to do before we could see this baby. Chad and I, my husband lay back down, my mind was racing a bit, thinking of all the little things we still needed to do, wondering if it would happen quickly, maybe before lunchtime, wondering if it was wise to lie down. Chad fell back to sleep, I dozed off, um, and I let my midwife know, so I sent her a text and kind of letting her know, said the fluid was clear, the baby was moving fine, and she replied and said it's a good day for a baby. At eight o'clock, our girls woke up, um, and little Ember, our 11-year-old, had predicted the events of the day pretty well. Brennley made a wonderful breakfast for everyone, and then the girls got ready for the day, and we cleaned and tidied the house. I felt a few contractions, but nothing regular. I got more gushes of clear fluid throughout the day, and I put this, I don't remember this, but I love the smell of amniotic fluid. By about 1110 a.m., a pattern had begun. I sat on the ball in my bedroom, leaned onto the bed, and contractions were coming every three to five minutes, lasting 30 to 45 seconds. At 1125 a.m., a strong contraction came and a big gush of fluid with it, by far exceeding the pad that I was wearing. It got all over the ball on the floor. Um, my husband went to Costco. He bought a hose to fill up the tub. So we had rented a tub this time. We're gonna do um a more planned water birth than in our own, we got a birthing pool instead of in our own bathtub. And he got some food. At 11:45, we let our midwife know um that I was in a pattern. She said she'd go home and prepare to come. Um, we alert our doula and our photographer and our our CNM friend from the hospital as well, um, and a friend who was going to be attend to the girls. Because again, the girls, we have three teenagers now and a five-year-old. The plan again was to have the three teenager girls and maybe the five-year-old come to the birth, and they'd, you know, been prepared for that. And um, some were excited, some were not. By 1 p.m., however, everything stopped, totally stopped. From two to three, um, I took a nap, had three contractions during that time. Um, but I felt bad for my girls. They had spent most of the day downstairs watching shows, just kind of leaving us be. Um in the late afternoon, we went to my midwife's house. We just kind of needed a change of scenery. She checked in on the baby, feel heart tones, everything was fine. Didn't check the cervix though. Um, I'd been doing nipple stimulation, that seemed to help sometimes. Um fiel heart tones were good. They were in the 140s. We visited for a while. She gave blue and black kohosh to take. We got fish and chips at a little restaurant on the way home. Um, ate it in a deserted parking lot somewhere. Uh, we got home about 5:30 and my mom was there. Um, I had not told any of my family we were in labor, but the girls told her. And I asked her if she could just take the girls. I felt bad for them kind of hanging out all day. They'd been cooped up. Um, and I felt like we just kind of needed some space and alone time because I was just being their mom all day. She took them to dinner. Um, they went also down to see their cousins for a little while, and it was good to just be alone. My husband Chad was sweet and attentive, and it was interesting how much less pressure I felt and more comfort in my belly since the fluid had been reduced. Um, I had quit getting any gushes of fluid at this point now, um, and this was all going just like last time. But this time I did not feel so helpless and desperate. I had more trust in the process. I was going to miss my belly and the baby inside. I love to feel the baby move. I love to feel his rounded little rump and his moving limbs. I felt beautiful and proud having a pregnant belly as my main accessory every single day. At 6 15 p.m., I drank my first of three to four glasses of kohosh. It's kind of a yucky flavor. She had pressure points on my ankle, we did nipple stimulation, I took a nap till about 8 15. Earlier in the day, we had filled the birth tub with warm water. Um, the girls helped me put the liner in, we finished inflating it, um, we put a drop cloth down, gotten chucks pads ready, towels, made our bed with clean sheets and a shower curtain, all the stuff you do for a home birth. We'd boiled pots of water to warm the tub and now they were cold. We emptied the tub mostly. We sat, we waited. At 8 15, I took two tablespoons of castor oil, so I'm getting kind of desperate, and a tea. It was hot, so it took me a while to drink it. I've been drinking mugs of red raspberry leaf tea all day. At 9 25, the girls came home for my mom's. They were glad to have gotten out of the house and have a good meal. Uh, they got ready for bed. At 9 45, I took two more tablespoons of castor oil, this time in carrot juice. My midwife suggested that I let the hospital midwife know what was going on, so I texted her and she let I let her know my temperature was 98.2. I'd been SROMD or SROM'd for 16 hours. She was encouraging, but said by the 24-hour mark, which was coming up, she wanted me to make some rec she wanted to make some recommendations as long as everything looked good. Then possibly moved towards a transfer to the hospital for Pitocin. The girls went to bed at 10 p.m. Chad and I continued to work on pressure points, nipple stimulation. It was at this time I began to consider and envision another scenario. What if I didn't transfer? I had a great midwife who I like and trust at the hospital. Um it was a good hospital. Um I wondered who my nurse would be. I worked there a lot as a doula. I could still do a water birth at this hospital. Perhaps for some reason this baby needed to be born in a hospital. Although this was not what I wanted, I began to consider it. I envisioned myself having a baby in the tub in my living room and having a baby in the tub at the hospital. Although everything had been reassuring, I had for a couple of years wondered what if this baby had special needs? With his birth so eminent, I knew we would soon find out for certain. From 1050 to 1115, I paced around the house doing abdominal lifts, and every time I did have a contraction, which was not often, I would smile. I tried to capture in my memory what they would feel like. Here's what I came up with. Deep in the core of my body, where the cervix is, a contraction would begin as a flicker and a flame, and it would burn brighter and stronger, coming to a peak, then it would flicker down again and spark out and fade away. At 1040 p.m. I drank my third or fourth glass of kohosh. Chad and I were tired, we decided to go to bed and set our alarms for 1.30 to get up and try more things to make the best use of our time. It was 1145. My temperature was 97.6. At 11.50, my midwife called. She suggested we work on some intimate oxytocin releases, and that later she could come stimulate the cervix into action with an exam. I hadn't been checked yet. Now I was gonna go to sleep and would try all of that when we woke up at 1.30. It was now Sunday, March twenty third. Um Chad was sound asleep, and I lay on my right side ready for sleep. At twelve ten I felt a strong contraction, and I smiled. By twelve fifteen I had felt three of them. Laying down was not the best position for me to be in anymore. I got up and went to the toilet, and I had to concentrate on breathing, and releasing all the tension as I felt the pressure. I could feel pressure, like I had all day with the sporadic contractions. I wandered out to the kitchen and once again turned on the stove to heat up the three pots of water. I got a bowl and started bailing out the cold water from the tub, from the pool, the birthing pool. I could do about two bowlfuls before I would need to stop, lean over the counter, and breathe through a contraction. I had worn several different loose baggy bottoms during the day and Chad's big gray Disneyland t-shirt. Now I wore a loose black skirt. I could even see it swaying above my feet as I rocked side to side during a contraction. At twelve thirty I woke Chad. He was right with me. He also got the tub filling and warming. At 12.50, I texted the midwife and said, got a good pattern going on for about the last 40 minutes. She said she'd be on her way. She arrived at 1.10 AM. I also let my doula know to be on her way, and would she please call our hospital midwife friend, who was going to come as well. I put my photographer on alert at 1 o'clock. Um, at 1 15, we alerted our family friend who was going to be with the girls during this process. By 12 45, I was having diarrhea from the castor oil. It wasn't too bad, but I did want all of that out of my system before I got in the tub. I stayed mostly in my bedroom and bathroom with Chad. I alternated between standing at the sink and standing at the dresser, sitting on the toilet or sitting on the ball. As I stood, I can see my skirt swaying back and forth against the floor. It was an effort to keep my feet on the floor. Labor was strong and I wanted to pull my feet up off the floor. The contractions would come and build and go away. Chad tried different things, counterpressure worked a couple of times, but mostly I didn't want it. He rubbed my back between and I visited the toilet three or maybe four times. My doula arrived at 135, came into my room, and she was so happy. Um I knew she was excited. My photographer arrived just before two o'clock. Um my midwife checked heart tones at 115 and when she when she had first arrived, and every 10 or 15 minutes after that. I felt the last of the diary had come and gone. It wasn't very bad at all, and I left the bedroom and checked on the tub. It was filling with the hose from the bathroom. My midwife had set up her things. My doula was boiling some more pots of water as I stood at the counter for a contraction and heard the I heard the hose pop out of the tub. I'd forgotten this. Um Chad went and put it back in. At 1 45, I took my clothes off and got into the tub. The immediate comfort was amazing. I knelt facing down the hallway, and it was in the living room. The tub was. It felt so good. From this point, I was aware only of the blue side of the tub and the immensity of what I of what was happening in my body. Now I told Chad to have our friend, our family friend come over. She lived very close by and she was going to be with the girls. She arrived at 2 15, um, but didn't get the girls yet. Um, our hospital midwife friend arrived about this time as well, and Chad and my doula were right in front of me. Chad to the right, my doula to the left. I was thirsty and they got me water. I was warm and asked for cold cloths. Chad gave me encouraging words and that meant a lot to me. My doula did some touch on my head that felt really good. Sometimes I kept my arms folded and draped over the edge of the tub, but soon I needed my hands down in the water to support me. I was kind of kneel squatting and I could feel an opening through my core. I felt with my hand, but there was no sign of the baby's head yet. I moaned and groaned now with the surges. I told Chad to have our family friend get the girls now out of bed, except for Piper. She's my five-year-old and she's very talkative at the time. Um, our hospital midwife friend was on a chair to my right and she said, I love to see you in this tub. I replied, I love to be in this tub. It feels so good. Labor had become so intense now. My midwife had a hand gently on my back and drew it down towards my sacrum, and it felt wonderful. My doula gave me a drink of carrot juice. Chad had my water. I now knew the girls were in the room. They were off to my left and behind me, sitting on the couch. I found that I could not look at them. I was teetering on the edge of my coping, and I felt that seeing them would knock me right out of coping. I did look back at them one time, and my mind went immediately to be their mom. I wanted to ask them if they were okay, if they had any questions, ask them if they were nervous, at tell them that this was normal. Um I wanted to mom them, but I did not have the bandwidth to do that at all. So I could not look at them. Um I was teetering on the edge of my coping and felt that seeing them would knock me right out of coping. The surges were so powerful and so intense. I knew that pushing would soon begin, and I felt my body nudging, but I was hesitant to actively push. I kept breathing, groaning, and trying to release. At this time, I was totally internal and not aware of anyone else. I thought to myself, I can do two more of those. The thought was also crossed my mind that I would never in my life be doing this again. I also had the desperate desire to ask my midwife for any kind of immediate pain relief, and I felt despair as I logically realized she did not have anything for me. Now a powerful surge brought me up and over that threshold of pushing. I nudged a little, and although it felt easier to cope with, I also felt the baby's head moving and was aware of the size of it and the passage it must make. So for the remainder of that surge, I did not actively push, but I breathed and released. Coping skills were rapidly thinning. I groaned and I found myself um saying, Oh, oh, I remember that so well. I felt um more and more sensation of opening, and I knew I would need to do the work of pushing. My face was smashed into the soft blue side of the tub. As another surge came, it was a pushing surge, and my body automatically deepened into pushing. I hesitantly joined. I knew I was making that roar. I could feel where the baby's head was and I could tell where it needed to go, and I was afraid. I told myself, I can do four of those. I felt down once and I could feel the baby's head, but I needed my arms to support my position. My arms were shaking, and I roared a mighty roar, knowing and feeling I had to get the baby through, and that I was the only one that could do it, and there was nothing else to do but to do it. I knew that several times um Ryan, my midwife, had listened to the baby's heart rate. My intent was to ease my baby out with my own hands on the perineum, but this kneel squat I was doing would not allow me to do that very well. The next thing I was aware of during my mighty work was uh my friend Tiffany, my hospital midwife's voice, um, and her hands. Each was full of loving direction and comfort at that time when the immense intensity seemed to threaten my very existence. She said, slow, Angie, slow, and had her hands on the baby's head. Slow, she said. They said the head was out. I was relieved and rested briefly in some way. Um, Tiffany urged me to push a little for the shoulders, which I did, and all of a sudden, like the noonday sun popping up in the middle of the night, it was done. He was born. I found that I could move now, and soon I was sitting on the other side of the tub. Tiffany had the baby and brought him up out of the water, over and under my right leg. I'll never forget his smooth bluish face coming out of the water. He quickly became pink, his face and lips were a little bruised, and his little lips were big rosebud lips and swollen. I held him to my chest. He looked up above me so intently, and that's when I realized my three girls were right there, Gillian, Brindley, and Ember. He looked at them. Brindley cried. Um, he began to root around, he latched really well within just a few minutes. Towels were placed over him as he was there on my left side in the warm water. I saw his cute little penis, the first penis we'd seen, obviously, our first boy. He was born at 2 40 a.m. Um They gave him app score our scores of seven and eight, and it was so amazing to hold him finally in my arms. The wave of relief when a baby comes out is quite overwhelming. It was an active I was in active labor for two hours and twenty five minutes. They said I pushed for five minutes, but it felt a lot longer to me. After a while, I began getting crazy hard contractions again. It was a challenge to cope, and I needed help holding the baby's head out of the water. The placenta took its time and came out at 320, almost like 45 minutes later. It was much more difficult than I remember. I had to push a couple of times, really push. There were central membranes that took their time as well. But my pelvis felt so immediately better, light, and lighter once the placenta came. It was an unusual placenta. It was thick and dense. Um it wasn't like some softer placentas I had seen. Um, let's see. By 3:30, I'd gotten out of the tub and into my room. Chad held the nameless baby for a while. Um, Tiffany did the repair. I got to choose that, um, whether it was which midwife it was, and my midwife seemed very glad for the help. It was a second degree. It was numbed, and um someone held the light. And this part of exposure is always kind of funny to me. One daughter held my right hand and one held my left hand as I sat on my sides, and boy oh boy, did I hold onto their hands during the repair. Um, I discovered, let's see, I got the baby back and he went right back to nursing as we all sat and visited. Um, everyone was cleaning up and it felt so odd to me not to help cleaning up. That's what I usually did at births. Um just before 5 a.m., we woke Piper up, my five-year-old. She was a bit shy with a house full of people in the middle of the night, but she sweetly and excitedly came in to see her new baby brother. Um, someone made scrambled eggs and toast with honey. Someone else brought me pineapple and cottage cheese. Again, the little community of help around. And this time we did hire a postpartum doula to kind of hang out with us for the first couple days. Um, my friend took my five-year-old home with her for the day, and people kind of trickled home over the next few hours. Um, and as we kind of basked again in this case in this time, I remember the postpartum period. Um, just really as I have with other babies, taking time to be down and be low and be slow in life, which is kind of challenging sometimes. But um, at no other time in your life can you take the liberty really to or have the best excuse. So, I mean, there are other times where just go slow, be slow, take good care of yourself. And I really, really relish that time. Um, so that was interesting for me to go back. I haven't read that for like 12 years, but um, to go back and relive a little bit of that. I wanted to kind of capture some of that shortly after. So that um kind of concludes my five birth stories. Um, I was really sad sometimes for about six months that I would never do this again and really glad. Like there's parts of it I love, parts of it I don't. Um, and then we added another baby to our life and kind of dragged him through everybody else's life, and uh, and now he has his own little busy life as a 12-year-old. And that kind of wrapped up my childbearing years, which lasted for 16 years of my life, a really awesome chapter. Um, and as I've continued to work professionally in this role, but not be personally in this role, that's been a really good teacher for me as well. Um, and it and I just uh as I look at people in that time of life, the clients that I work with, the patients I work with, I'm like, wow, so cool that you are doing this right now. You're hopefully you can relish this time of life because it's kind of temporary. Some people do this once only, some people do it twice, some people are happy to never do it again, as I was eventually as well. Um, but what a gift to have these experiences. As I'm working sometimes with clients, they're their due date is eminent, they're in labor. I'm like, man, you get to do a super cool human thing today, um, and that is have a baby. So thank you for letting me indulge with my own personal birth stories, which includes life stories and family stories as situations become more complex. And I know my stories were all have really happy endings. I had really positive, amazing, unmedicated births, really well supported. I learned a lot as I went, changed providers, provider types, places. Fortunately, um, I have really, you know, a good health history. I was a good home birth candidate, didn't have anything, and I've seen all the stuff, right? I realized, having seen everything that could happen, what a serious and big decision it is to have a home birth. Like that's a big responsibility to take on. Um, so selecting a great team for that and having a plan B in place as well, which I was able to do. So I express a whole Whole lot of gratitude. I realize my births were awesome, amazing, and positive. And I know the impact that had in my life. And I know, no, no, no, I know that not everyone's births are awesome, amazing, and positive. There's some really tough situations out there. And my heart goes out to those people. That's why support during that time, regardless of how your experience is, is so very incredibly important. So as you live your birth stories, which are life stories, and they include, they pull in so many things. I had actually 11 years of secondary infertility, which I never would have anticipated. Like that was a good teacher to me as well. Choosing birth team was a good teacher, having support, making choices, being sick, you know, have being debilitated during pregnancy. All of these are good teachers. So I encourage you as you assemble your team, as you create your birth coping plans, as you go through this process, be empowered to make those decisions. Ponder it, consider it, sit with it for a while, be intentional and give some attention to how you want your birth to be set up. And I wish the very best. You deserve the very best. Take good care of yourself in postpartum, set that team up as well. I'll wrap this one up. We're getting kind of long here. Sorry about that. But thanks for hanging with me during this story. Hope you have the best of days. And please, as I always do, please reach out to someone, make a human connection today, the stranger, someone you know, someone you haven't seen for a while, someone you saw yesterday. Touch them, love them, hug them, text them. But reach out. We need each other. Please uh be that person in someone else's life. Hope you have a great day, and I look forward to seeing you next time.

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Tune in next time as we continue to explore the many aspects of giving birth.