Tranquil Topics

Mastering Self-Confidence and Embracing Change

• Stephanie • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Unlock the secrets to mastering self-confidence and embrace change like never before. Join me, Steph, as we embark on a transformative journey inspired by past guest Anna, who shared her passion for wild swimming and Dave Holt who shared his unique approach to fitness and nutrition. Our discussion will unravel the intricate dance between self-confidence and self-esteem, shedding light on how past experiences such as bullying or significant life changes might cloud our self-perception. We’ll also tackle the notorious cycle of self-doubt and avoidance.

Discover the power of mindset shifts with insights from the renowned Mel Robbins as we debunk common confidence myths and highlight the essential role of persistence over perfection. This episode is packed with practical tools and inspiring insights designed to rewire your brain, nurture growth, and spark the self-assurance you need to turn aspirations into reality. Tune in and transform your internal dialogue into one of kindness and positivity, setting the stage for a life filled with growth and thriving success.

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Speaker 1:

hi everyone, welcome back to tranquil topics. I hope you're well. I'm your host, steph, and the past few episodes have been spent with guests, which has been absolutely amazing, and I really hope you enjoyed them. We had wild swimming with anna and tailored fitness and nutrition with dave holt, and both of these episodes made me think more about confidence, because to try something new and to make a change, whatever that may be, requires a certain level of confidence to believe that you can do it and also to see it through. So today's episode will provide practical advice and guidance on how to build your self-confidence and how you can use these skills to thrive in your life.

Speaker 1:

Self-confidence and self-esteem can be used interchangeably, though they do link. Confidence is in ourself and our powers and abilities, so to have the belief that we are capable of meeting demands of a task, for example, it is absolutely normal for confidence to fluctuate in different situations, such as you may feel confident when talking with friends, but strangers may be more daunting for you. Or when you attend a dance class, for example, every week and you feel confident there, but then you face an unfamiliar situation, such as starting a new job, which can create self-doubt, and these feelings can creep in slowly. They can be subtle or they can come in like a steamroller and shake you up a bit. So self-esteem is more about how we think and feel about ourselves in general, how much worth we think we may have as a person. So this can affect how you view your achievements or setbacks, although self-esteem can focus on what we don't do well rather than what we can do well. And improving confidence will improve self-esteem. But this episode will focus more on self-confidence.

Speaker 1:

So what might lack of self-confidence look like? Thinking things will go wrong, avoiding failure, unrealistic expectations, self-criticism and even discounting successes. Confidence can be impacted from experiences. Now, this could be bullying from childhood, bullying in the workplace, unhealthy relationships, early childhood experiences, and it can also be impacted by experiencing lots of setbacks or making lots of mistakes and then perceiving ourselves as a failure rather than looking at those times as learning experiences. Now, I know this can be really difficult to do. When you're in that dark place of self-criticism, you could over expect from yourself too and set yourself up to fail, to not succeed, to give up or for things to go wrong. Difficult life changes can also knock confidence, such as relationship breakdowns, moving house, changing jobs, starting university. All these things bring about uncertainty, things are different and it can bring up thoughts such as can I do this? Are things going to go well? And self-doubt creeps in again.

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The impact of lack of self-confidence can maintain the lack and it becomes a vicious cycle. So, for example, avoidance avoiding doing something because you're scared of it not going well and discounting all the things that go right. So understanding how we think, feel and behave is key to understanding our behaviour and how we live our life. Situations will trigger thoughts, which trigger feelings, which results in behaviour and the consequence, such as reinforcing your own lack of self-confidence. An example is and I've been guilty of this is you get invited out but you find it easier not to go. So you make an excuse I'm too busy, I'm not feeling it, I'm already otherwise engaged. And the consequences? Those beliefs are then maintained. There's no evidence to suggest otherwise. So we take for granted, if we'd have gone, that all our worst fears would have happened. The other part is we go, but this brings out anxious feelings and thoughts. So you might find you stay on your phone all night, you find the quietest part of the room to stay in, you hide in the loo, you leave early, so it looks like the same reinforcements. Because nobody spoke to you, you feel that that was awful, whereas in actual fact you didn't even give yourself a chance. So we need to break this cycle.

Speaker 1:

Consider what is stopping you from achieving the self-confidence you want to have. What might be different if you were more confident? Would you act differently? Would you talk differently? Would you do different things? Would you try more things? Would you wear different clothes? Try to imagine first what the confident version of you would look like. Sometimes people have clear images for this and can focus on it, or you may struggle to imagine yourself being like that. But just for a minute, try visualize that version of yourself.

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Confidence is a spectrum. You don't have to feel confident in all areas of life all the time, because that's just unrealistic. Is there anyone you admire for their confidence? Is there anyone that comes to mind when I say that this could be someone you know, or even a celebrity? Maybe you think this person handles social situations really well. They can speak in front of a crowded room, but there will be something that that person doesn't feel confident about, and it's important not to compare yourself to anybody else, because we're all on a personal journey, and it's important not to put other people on a pedestal when everyone's confidence levels are different and can be impacted in different ways.

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So how do we improve self-confidence? When our confidence is low, it is more likely that we will think negatively. We'll think the worst, we overthink or criticise ourselves, and it makes being confident ridiculously hard with these thoughts going around your head. So, of course, your thinking has to change. If you identify with this, it might be worth keeping a diary to see which negative thinking patterns you tend to go towards and how they apply to you negative thinking patterns you tend to go towards and how they apply to you.

Speaker 1:

So self-talk in negative situations can be one of the most hurtful and sabotaging things. There is a quote that says you will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. Be kind to yourself, and it's so true, though, self-talk can often take you to the worst case scenario drawing conclusions constantly in your head it's going to go wrong, I can't do this. The worst case scenario drawing conclusions constantly in your head it's going to go wrong, I can't do this, I can't cope, I'm never going to understand this. Can you imagine saying these things to somebody that you care about a friend or a family member. You know it would be upsetting for them, so why say it to ourselves? It's literally like carrying a bully around with you. To ourselves, it's literally like carrying a bully around with you, and we do all experience negative talk from time to time, but it can ramp up when we're facing a challenge and if you're aware of this, you can notice it and make small changes.

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So you need to challenge unhelpful thinking. Look at the evidence. Is anything backing up what you're saying to yourself? What advice would you give to someone else saying the same thing? Just because we think something doesn't mean it's 100% true or a fact. Maybe the truth is. For example, the interview will be really hard and you won't know the answers. Your exaggeration is they will laugh you out the door and be horrible to you, but the likelihood is it won't happen. So you've spent your time and energy worrying about something that is unlikely to happen, but looking to balance out those nasty negative thoughts.

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Some people set their standards too high as well, which can result in disappointment, and then lack of confidence follows. If you say I must never make mistakes, you need to re-evaluate. Was that original standard too high. Making mistakes helps you learn. Making mistakes is normal for a human being and everyone, at some point in their life, will make a mistake. There is room for error. We are human. Just try your best. If you're trying something for the first time, you probably will make a mistake, but you can learn from this and improve next time, which is a more realistic process to take. Having high, unrealistic expectations means you will likely be unsuccessful and it will reinforce the belief you're not good enough, which is just not true. Also, avoid words like must, should, I, must, I should, because these words are not flexible, they're very rigid and there's no room for movement with them.

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If you struggle to set goals, set smaller steps. Things you can achieve and get feedback for will make you feel good to see progress, such as over lockdown. I started Couch to 5k with my brother and we saw progress, and from starting with me not being able to run for even one minute I couldn't even make it to a minute to having completed it and being able to run 5k and further. Now eventually you get where you want to be in an achievable way and building yourself, confidence and belief in yourself as you go. Of course, there'll be ups and downs with any progress, such as rainy days, injury, running a 4k instead of 5k, but it's all fine, it's okay, it's part of the journey. Your goals can be flexible. They don't have to be rigid. If I can only do 15 minutes of working towards my goal, that's great. There's movement forwards and it's exactly the same for you. So now we look to behaviour.

Speaker 1:

Having the confidence to disagree with friends or family rather than going along with other people's thoughts and people pleasing. Taking risks allows yourself to be vulnerable. You can make mistakes, but staying in your comfort zone can't get you far because you can't learn if you're not willing to try. And there's a quote I heard which goes your comfort zone is where your dreams go to die, and I've never forgotten that. It's also what I tell myself whenever I feel out of my depth, and it gives me a push not to stay in my comfort zone. So admitting when something goes wrong, even to ourselves, can be hard, but it doesn't change you as a person and you can move on easier from this the more you practice.

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The next time you have to make a decision, ask yourself if you're coming from a confident or a not confident position, for example, if someone invites you out, it can be useful to keep a log. Is the confident me answering or the non-confident me? And then what is it about that that makes you feel this way? For example, you said no because your friend's friends were going and you'd never met them before. So you feel out of your depth, you feel uncomfortable, and you can look at why you feel that way. Really break it down to the core reason.

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Avoidance is a non-helpful coping strategy which causes us to miss out on things. We overestimate the likeliness of bad things happening. We exaggerate how bad they will be and underestimate our ability to cope if it went wrong. We dismiss any factors that would suggest it might not be as bad as that and if you notice it, it can be a powerful motivator. So challenge yourself by starting small. The smaller the step, the more comfortable it would feel to try. You're more likely to actually do it, which is a step forward which will enable a little bit more confidence for the next step. Beginning is the hardest part, but the more you do it, the more your confidence will be able to grow and to do something that you didn't think that you could do.

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So think what this would be for you? What is your goal? What task or situation have you been avoiding? It might sound really bad, but in the past I have booked events and trips away to avoid certain situations. Now I know that brought me comfort because I didn't have to face whatever it was, and it brought a ton of relief. But I've worked on this in my self-development and now I have the confidence to just say no, I don't want to do that, I don't want to go. There's no fear of what people may think, because I'm putting myself first. If I want to go, I will go.

Speaker 1:

I mean, sometimes you stick an event in your calendar and it gets to the day and you just don't feel like going, and it's at this point you need to figure out why you don't feel like going. Is it a fear of what will happen? Is it the unknown? Is it confidence related? Or is it that you're genuinely needing some time out for yourself, which is absolutely fine? I'm not saying here you should drag yourself out to an event if you need some rest. Though, if you do decide to go, I always think if I don't like it or I still feel this way later on, I can just go home. At least I've tried. There's also been nights where I've not been feeling it, but I've gone and I've had a really great time. So testing our predictions is the next step. In a new situation, be mindful of testing what you think was going to happen with what actually happens.

Speaker 1:

It's also relevant to mention assertiveness here, because sometimes lacking confidence to speak out because what will people think? What will people say? Will they judge me? How will they respond? I don't want to get in an argument. It means you may need to work on being more assertive.

Speaker 1:

The use of I statements give a lot of power. I feel like this. You can describe how someone else has made you feel and say no when you need to. Don't people please, because it can leave you feeling unsatisfied and even resentful down the line. Your feelings are just as important as anybody else's and there is no reason to put yourself in a position where you people please and put your own needs last. I will do an episode in the future on assertiveness because it does tie in with confidence.

Speaker 1:

So self-confidence isn't about being perfect. It's not about everything going well. It's about how you handle things when they go wrong and not letting it phase you to the point where it has a negative impact on your own well-being. We need to understand that not everything is going to go to plan all the time, and it's completely okay to feel upset or disappointed when something has gone wrong. Problem solving can help you if you're experiencing a lot of setbacks and find you can get caught up in your thoughts in the moment, write down on paper so you can see it clearly. There might not be a perfect solution to your problem, but you can create a list of things with pros and cons and see what you can do that is within your control. If you're struggling with self-confidence, it is almost guaranteed that you are not recognising your strengths. Has someone given you a compliment? Have you done something that made yourself feel really proud? Shifting biased perception can help change the bigger picture overall, and if you're only focusing on the negative, nothing will change. You could start a journal similar to a gratitude journal, but write down things that have occurred that day that you've done well, and so that you can look back on it if you do find yourself dipping back into negativity, because it will take time to change your thought and behaviour patterns.

Speaker 1:

Now I've come across Mel Robbins' work lately and she is amazing. Mel has done a lot of work on confidence. She's written many books and she states that confidence isn't a trait, it's a skill. And she talks about the confidence competence loop, which is backed by neuroscience research and we all know how much we love neuroscience, so I'm studying it at the moment and it's just so interesting. Now Mel says the confidence competence loop is that you don't have to believe in yourself, you just have to be willing to try, and that every master was once a beginner.

Speaker 1:

Now Mel has debunked three myths. So myth number one is that confidence is built when you're winning. Mel says that confidence isn't created when life is easy, it's when you fail but pick yourself back up. Myth number two confident people are the loudest in the room. Mel says that confidence isn't a personality trait, it's not about saying you don't care what people think. She states that true confidence is being willing to try and learn and knowing that you can always rely on yourself, no matter what situation you find yourself in. And myth number three is that you've lost your confidence. Mel rightly states you can't lose your confidence because it's within you. You're just blocked from accessing it when you feel insecure or scared. You may feel insecurity or self-doubt temporarily, but you have never lost your confidence.

Speaker 1:

Now I looked into this further and found that Mel Robbins created the five second rule and she has a book called the five second rule. And she has a book called the five second rule which you can buy and there's videos online about it. But the five second rule connects thinking about what you need to do and doing what you need to do. So when you have a desire to do something or say something, you count backwards from five. So five, four, three, two, one and then move. I know it sounds simple and knowing is fine, but you need to know how to make yourself do it. So Mel says after five seconds your self-doubt kicks in. So you need to move quicker than the self-doubt. When you wake up in the morning, intentionally think about the day ahead, how you're going to show up what you want to achieve and use this five second rule to seize a moment when the opportunity arises. And you're going to show up what you want to achieve and use this five second rule to seize a moment when the opportunity arises and your confidence will increase.

Speaker 1:

In relation to the neuroscience, the five second rule interrupts old habits stored in the subconscious and allows you to start a new one. So you're rewiring your brain. Confidence is created when you continue to take on new opportunities and learn from them, regardless of whether you succeed or fail. Now another habit that Mel Robbins talks about is called the high five habit. So you start a new habit with a habit you already have. So Mel suggests, when you brush your teeth every morning or you could have a cup of coffee every morning before you leave the house but choose a habit that you do every single day and stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and high-five yourself.

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Now, the first time I heard this, my reaction was nope, no, no, no, can't do that. I just feel really weird even at the thought, which may be you're thinking exactly the same right now. But Mel speaks about needing to validate yourself from within, because you will always feel insecure if you rely on validation from outside, because you can't control that, and this will help rewire your brain as well. So nobody needs to know that you're doing this. But give it a go. See how it feels. What is there to lose? If you spent years being hard on yourself and criticizing yourself and doubting yourself, you will find this exercise difficult. But have a go. You need to start celebrating yourself now and be your number one fan. Mel suggests trying it for five days and see how it changes you Now. You weren't born doubting yourself and when you were learning to crawl and growing up, you didn't doubt yourself. You carried on and tried again.

Speaker 1:

Mel's work is about practicing these skills to re-access your confidence that is always within you. As she says, self-doubt and fear are normal. It's a sign you're moving out of your comfort zone into a space where your dreams can live and evolve. And when that fear shows up, do not let it stop you. Confidence lives in your actions and it will get stronger with every step you take Now. I hope you found this episode useful. If you do feel you need support due to lack of confidence, please do reach out to a trained professional, your doctor, a counsellor. You can google your nearest support centres. But thank you so much for listening this week. You can follow me on instagram at tranquil topics and please rate, review and subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening from. Thank you, and I will see you again in two weeks time with another episode. Bye, thanks for watching.