Ep 61 Mastering Communication: Life Coach Strategies for Building Stronger Connections and Meaningful Conversations

In this insightful episode, Lori brings her expertise as a life coach to tackle the art of communication, especially during what can be an emotionally charged holiday season. Drawing from her experience as a coach, she shares strategies for navigating challenging conversations that can strengthen relationships and lead to personal growth. Lori explores different communication styles, from assertive to passive-aggressive, and emphasizes the importance of active listening, empathy, and boundary-setting. She also sheds light on the pitfalls of avoiding confrontation and the emotional impact of ghosting, encouraging honest communication. This episode is packed with actionable advice and reflections to help you communicate with intention and build stronger bonds.

Episode Highlights:

1. Communication as the Foundation of Relationships
   Lori opens the episode by explaining how meaningful connections, both personal and professional, depend on effective communication, which is a key focus in her life coaching approach.
   
   
   
2. The Role of Empathy in Bridging Communication Styles
   Lori emphasizes the importance of understanding diverse communication styles, whether assertive, passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, to foster empathy and connection.
   
   
   
3. Active Listening as a Gift
   Active listening, a fundamental skill Lori teaches as a life coach, helps build deeper understanding and connection by respecting the other person’s perspective.
   
   
   
4. Balancing Respect and Boundaries
   Lori shares life-coaching strategies to help you assert your needs while respecting others, teaching how to communicate effectively without compromising your values.
   
   
   
5. The Emotional Impact of Ghosting
   Lori discusses the emotional consequences of ghosting and avoidance, reflecting on how to face these challenges with clarity and resilience.
   
   
   
6. Reframing Confrontation as Honest Dialogue
   Confrontation, often viewed negatively, is reframed by Lori as an opportunity for growth and resolution; an essential mindset shift.
   
   
   
7. Practical Strategies for Difficult Conversations
   From addressing workplace interruptions to personal conflicts, Lori offers practical tips rooted in her experience as a Coach to help listeners initiate meaningful discussions.
   
   
   
8. The Importance of Self-Reflection in Communication
   Lori highlights how self-reflection can help identify habits and preferences that improve communication.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today, because today I want to talk about something we all need, but often struggle with, and that's communication. And I thought, what better time to dive into this topic than during the holiday season? Because this time of year brings so many opportunities for connection.

[00:00:49] We have family gatherings, holiday parties, catching up with friends. But if we're being honest, this season also highlights how challenging communication can sometimes be. And so I want to start with a simple yet powerful idea. It's something that I share with others very often. And it's the idea that without communication, there can be no relationship.

[00:01:12] Think about it. Whether it's with your partner, your family, your friends, or even your colleagues, every meaningful connection you have is built on how you communicate. It's how we express love, share ideas, resolve conflicts, and truly understand each other. Yet communication often feels like it should just come naturally, right?

[00:01:33] Because we think I'm talking, so I'm communicating, but talking is just one piece of the puzzle. It's not just about what you say, it's about how you say it, how you listen, and whether or not you're willing to show up for those sometimes uncomfortable but necessary conversationsThe truth is, communication is a skill.

[00:01:52] It takes effort, intention, and sometimes a little courage. And here's why I think it's such an important topic to explore right now. The holidays bring out all the layers of our relationships. The love, the joy, but also the misunderstandings and unspoken tensions. 

[00:02:09] And maybe you have felt this yourself. Like you're walking on eggshells with certain people or avoiding a conversation that you know needs to happen. And I get it. It's hard, but here's what I want you to take away from today. Communication is one of the greatest gifts you can give to the people that you care about.

[00:02:28] And it's a gift you can give to yourself. So as you listen today, I encourage you to reflect on your own communication habits. Are you someone who speaks openly? Or do you tend to hold back? Do you avoid tough conversations or do you face them head on? Whatever your style is, there's always room to grow.

[00:02:46] So let's start by talking about one of the most important aspects of communication, and that's understanding that not everyone communicates the same way. It's easy to think that our way of speaking, listening, or expressing ourselves is the quote unquote right way. But the truth is people have vastly different communication styles.

[00:03:05] Some of us are assertive communicators. I think I tend to fall into that style most often. We value honesty and directness, and we're not afraid to say what we mean. Then there are passive communicators, those who might avoid expressing their true thoughts or feelings because they don't want to upset others.

[00:03:23] And then you also have aggressive communicators, who might come across as dominating or forceful, and that can often lead to conflict. And then there's the tricky one, the passive aggressive communicator, those who make subtle digs or backhanded compliments that leave everyone feeling uncomfortable without addressing the real issue. And no one style is perfect. And most of us fall into different styles depending on the situation or the relationship.

[00:03:50] But what matters is being aware that of these tendencies, both in yourself and in others, and learning how to bridge the gaps. For example, if you're naturally assertive, it might feel frustrating to talk to someone who's more passive. You might think, why can't they just say what they mean? But for a passive communicator, speaking up might [00:04:10] feel incredibly risky or uncomfortable.

[00:04:12] And on the flip side, if you're more passive, an assertive person might come across as too blunt or even intimidating. So how do we navigate this? I'd say it starts with empathy. Take a moment to consider why someone communicates the way they do. Maybe they grew up in an environment where their opinions weren't valued, so they learned to stay quiet.

[00:04:32] Or maybe they've experienced situations where being direct led to conflict, so they've become hesitant. Think about your own style. Are you someone who jumps in with solutions before fully hearing the other person? Do you avoid saying what you really mean because you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings?

[00:04:49] Reflecting on your own habits can help you make small adjustments that lead to better and more balanced conversations. But also let's not forget about listening because it's half the equation yet. It's often overlooked. Active listening means giving someone your full attention, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

[00:05:07] It's about listening to understand, not to respond. Imagine if you're having a disagreement with a friend, while they're talking, you're already planning your rebuttal in your head. How often do we do that? But when you're focused on what you're going to say next, you miss the opportunity to really hear and understand their perspective.

[00:05:25] And this is why listening is such a gift. It shows the other person that you value what they have to say, even if you don't necessarily agree with it. And often just feeling heard is enough to diffuse any tension and open the door to real communication. And so how do we respect someone else's style without compromising our own?

[00:05:44] I like to say relationships are a dance, sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow. But what happens when the person you're communicating with. Has a style that feels completely opposite to yours. How do you find balance without feeling like you're giving in or losing yourself in the process?

[00:06:02] Let's start with this. Respect doesn't mean agreement. You can respect someone's way of communicating while still standing firm in your own values and needs. But to do that, you need clarity on what's important to you. For example, if you're someone who values directness, but you're dealing with a more passive communicator, it might feel like you're constantly pulling teeth to get an answer.

[00:06:24] And it's tempting to either maybe bulldoze through the conversation or just give up. but instead of seeing it as a battle, try to adjust your approach. Maybe that person needs a little more time to process their thoughts. And on the other hand, if you're naturally passive, you might find yourself agreeing to things just to quote, keep the peace only to feel resentful later. And this is where setting boundaries comes in. You can say something like, I hear what you're saying, but this is where I stand. Notice how that honors their perspective while still making your position clear. A common fear that people have is being seen as difficult or confrontational.

[00:06:59] And a lot of people shy away from speaking up because they're worried about how they'll be perceived. But here's the truth. Avoiding conflict does not solve problems. It just delays them. And this brings to mind one of the most extreme forms of communication and that's ghosting. And I'll talk about that more in a minute, but I want to just say for now that ghosting happens when someone completely removes themselves from the conversation or relationship.

[00:07:23] Because they don't want to face discomfort. It's an act of avoidance, not resolution. And while it might feel easier in the moment, it often leaves more hurt and confusion than anything else. And how do we avoid falling into these communication traps? I say, by being intentional about your communication, start by acknowledging the other person's style, then state your own needs clearly.

[00:07:46] For example, you could say something like, I know you like to take times to think things over, and I respect that, but it's also important for me to get clarity by the end of the week. Can we work towards that? It's not about forcing someone to communicate your way, it's about finding common ground where you both feel seen and respected.

[00:08:05] I also wanna address a label that many people use to describe themselves, and that's quote unquote non-confrontational. How many times have you heard someone say, oh, I'm just not confrontational, as if it's a personality trait. Maybe you've [00:08:20] even said it yourself. Here's the thing. Most people who say they're non confrontational aren't avoiding confrontation because they're naturally conflict averse.

[00:08:28] They're avoiding it because it feels uncomfortable. They're afraid of upsetting someone, being misunderstood, or not knowing how the other person will respond. And when you avoid confrontation, what you're really doing is And without communication, again, there's no relationship and problems don't get solved.

[00:08:47] They just linger in the background, creating resentment and distance. Think about it this way. Calling yourself non confrontational can sometimes be a shield, a way to avoid responsibility for having those hard but necessary  conversationsIt might feel like you're keeping the peace, but in reality, you're just avoiding the issues in hopes that they will disappear.

[00:09:10] So how do you push past this label and start engaging in meaningful conversations, even when they're uncomfortable? The first step is to reframe your mindset around confrontation. Confrontation doesn't have to mean conflict. It doesn't have to be a fight. In fact, The best confrontations are really simply just honest conversations.

[00:09:31] Let's say, for example, you have a friend who's been canceling plans at the last minute. You could avoid saying anything because you don't want to seem confrontational. But what happens then? You start to feel annoyed or maybe even hurt, and over time, that frustration will build. Now, instead of addressing the issue, you're carrying around all this unspoken resentment.

[00:09:52] When instead, you could just approach the conversation in a way that's both honest and kind. You could say something like, Hey, I've noticed you've been canceling our plans a lot lately. I wanted to check in. Is everything okay? Do you see how that would open the door for a dialogue instead of shutting it down?

[00:10:07] And another strategy you can use is to start small. If having a big, emotionally charged conversation feels overwhelming, practice with low stakes situations. For example, if say a coworker interrupts you during a meeting, you could say something like, I'd like to finish my thought before we move on. It's a small but powerful way to assert yourself without escalating the situation.

[00:10:30] And now I want to circle back to the idea of ghosting, because it ties directly into this non confrontational mindset, in my opinion. Ghosting often happens when someone is too uncomfortable to end a relationship. or a conversation directly. They think that disappearing is easier than explaining themselves, but what they don't realize is that their silence often hurts more than whatever they were afraid to say.

[00:10:53] It's one of the most extreme forms of communication avoidance. If you're not familiar with it, again The term ghosting means when someone cuts off all communication without explanation, no text, no calls, no responses. It can happen in personal relationships, professional settings, and even in friendships.

[00:11:11] And if you've ever been ghosted, you know how frustrating, hurtful, and confusing it can feel. Why do people ghost? In most cases, I think it boils down to discomfort. They don't want to have difficult conversations, so they take the path of least resistance, or at least what feels like it in the moment.

[00:11:28] Maybe they're afraid of confrontation, don't know how to articulate their feelings, or simply lack the emotional maturity to handle the situation respectfully. But here's the truth. Ghosting says more about the person doing it than it does about the person being ghosted. It reflects their inability or unwillingness to communicate.

[00:11:48] It does not reflect your worth or value. So what do you do if someone ghosts you? First, I would say recognize that their silence is actually the answer, even when it's not the one you wanted. It's natural to want closure. To reach out for an explanation, but chasing someone who has ghosted you often leads to more frustration.

[00:12:08] So instead focus on creating closure for yourself. Ask yourself, what was I hoping to gain from this relationship or a conversation? What can I learn from this experience about my own communication patterns or expectations? And how can I move forward without carrying the weight of unanswered questions?

[00:12:26] Because again, being ghosted isn't about you failing to communicate. [00:12:30] It's about someone else choosing not to. But what if you've ghosted someone? Maybe you've felt overwhelmed, unsure of what to say, or just didn't want to deal with the situation. If that's the case, I encourage you to rethink how you handle uncomfortable conversations.

[00:12:46] Ghosting might feel easier in the moment, but again, it leaves behind hurt confusion and a lack of closure for the other person. So what's the alternative? It can be as simple as sending a message that says. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't feel like this is the right fit for me. I wish you the best.

[00:13:03] It's direct, respectful, and leaves no room for ambiguity. During the holidays, ghosting can feel even more painful because it's a time when people really do crave connection and clarity. So whether you've been ghosted or have ghosted someone else, I'd say this season is a good reminder that communication, no matter how uncomfortable is always better than silence.

[00:13:25] Now, of course, conflict is inevitable, whether it's a disagreement with a partner, a misunderstanding with a friend or a heated moment. At a family gathering, there will be times when conversations feel very uncomfortable or tense, and the key isn't to avoid conflict altogether.

[00:13:40] It's to approach it in a way that fosters understanding and resolution. I'd say the biggest mistake people make during a conflict is falling into one of two extremes, either avoidance or escalation. On one hand, avoiding conflict might feel like the easiest option. You think, if I just stay quiet, it's And on the other hand, escalating a conflict, like raising your voice, interrupting, or letting your emotions take over, often can turn a simple disagreement into a full blown argument.

[00:14:22] So how do you navigate these tricky moments? I would say the first step is to remind yourself that the goal of any conflict should be resolution, not winning. You're not trying to beat the other person. You're trying to understand their perspective and find common ground. So here are a few strategies that I think will help.

[00:14:40] Number one, pause before you react. I say it all the time. So much power in the pause. When your emotions run high, it's so easy to say things you do not mean, or react in ways that you might regret later. Take a moment to pause. Breathe. Ask yourself, what is my goal in this conversation? What do I want the other person to understand?

[00:15:01] Number two, focus on the issue, not the person. It's easy to let disagreements turn personal, but this only creates more tension. Instead of saying, you always do this, or you never listen, try focusing on the specific issues at hand. for example, I felt hurt when you canceled our plans at the last minute is much more productive than you're so unreliable.

[00:15:24] Number three, validate their perspective. And this doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but acknowledging how they feel can go a long way. So you can try. Phrases like, I understand why you feel that way, or I can see how this situation would be frustrating for you. Validation, although not necessary, I often say that as well, it can be a nice bonus and it helps people to feel heard, which will often deescalate tension.

[00:15:49] And number four, just know when to step away because sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. If a conversation becomes too heated, it's okay to say, I think we need a little time to cool off before we continue this discussion, but here's the important part. Make sure you come back to it because taking a break is not the same as avoiding the conversation altogether.

[00:16:10] and when you practice these strategies, I think that you'll be able to handle conflict with more confidence and less fear, and that will also create stronger and more authentic relationships. And remember, don't forget about listening, because when someone feels heard, they feel valued. They feel seen, respected, and understood.

[00:16:28] And isn't that what we all want in our relationships? So don't be so focused on what you want to say next that you're not fully present in the conversation, or listen through the filter of your own opinions, [00:16:40] judgments, and assumptions. Active listening looks like being fully present. That means putting down your phone, stepping away from distractions, and giving the person in front of you your undivided attention.

[00:16:51] And it also means listening to be understood, not to respond. Because when you are an active listener, you create a space where people feel safe to open up even about uncomfortable topics. So when you gather with your family and friends, I challenge you to practice active listening. It might feel small, but it's one of the most meaningful gifts you can give.

[00:17:11] And if you're someone who tends to dominate conversations, take a step back and let others share their thoughts. You might be surprised at what you learn. And so, as we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with this. Communication isn't just about exchanging words. It's about connection. It's about showing the people in your life that you value them enough to share your thoughts, listen to theirs, and work through the moments that aren't always easy.

[00:17:38] Better communication doesn't mean you'll never have misunderstandings or disagreements. It means you'll have the tools, to navigate them with respect and intention. It means you'll be able to face uncomfortable conversations with courage instead of avoidance. And it means you'll strengthen your relationships in ways that go far beyond words.

[00:17:58] So as you move through this holiday season, I encourage you to think about how you're showing up in your conversations. Are you speaking honestly? Are you listening fully? Are you willing to engage even when it's not easy? Maybe there's someone in your life you've been avoiding a tough conversation with, or maybe you've been tempted to ghost a situation because it feels too overwhelming.

[00:18:20] Let this be the reminder in the moment for you to choose a different path. And if you've been on the receiving end of silence, whether it's ghosting or simply feeling like you're not being heard, remember that you have the power to create your own closure. Communication certainly isn't always perfect, but it's always worth the effort.

[00:18:40] This holiday season, Let's give the gift of communication. Let's commit to speaking, listening, and showing up for the people who matter most in our lives. And let's not forget to show up for ourselves too, because your voice, your thoughts, and your perspective are just as important as anyone else's. And if you know someone who might need to hear this episode, I would be so grateful if you would please share it with them.

[00:19:06] I hope you have a wonderful holiday filled with love, connection, and meaningful conversations.