Stop Over Explaining: It’s Your Life, Your Decisions

Are you constantly justifying your choices, even when no one is asking for an explanation? Do you find yourself giving unnecessary details to validate decisions that are already right for you? 

In this episode, Lori Gouhin explains the habit of overexplaining, why we do it, what it’s costing us, and most importantly, how to stop.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

• Why overexplaining is mentally and emotionally exhausting.
• How societal conditioning and fear of disapproval fuel this habit.
• The hidden costs of justifying every decision, including loss of confidence and energy.
• How to break free from the need for validation and trust your own choices.
• The power of setting boundaries with simple, firm responses.
• What happens when you stop explaining yourself and how your confidence, time, and relationships improve.

Action Steps:

1. The next time you catch yourself overexplaining, pause and ask: Is this explanation truly necessary?
2. Practice saying “No, thank you” without additional justification.
3. Remind yourself that your choices don’t require approval from others to be valid.
4. Reflect on how much time and energy you could reclaim by letting go of the need to justify every decision.

Thank you for sharing your time with me and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because YOU are the ARTwork!!!

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Have a fabulous day!

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: explaining doesn't just waste time, it also weighs you down. It's exhausting.

[00:00:05] Lori Gouhin: It's like you're carrying around all these unnecessary justifications everywhere you go. And for what? So someone else can validate what you already know is right for you? And the truth is, the more you explain, the more you start second guessing yourself. And that is no way to build a dream life, reach a goal, or to truly, really feel confident. Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I want to talk about something that I'm pretty sure we've all done probably more often than we'd like to admit. And that is over explaining. In other words, you've made a decision. It's not earth shattering, just a choice that works for you.

[00:01:17] Lori Gouhin: Maybe you decided to skip an event or switch jobs or I don't know, paint your living room pink just because you like it. But the moment someone raises an eyebrow or asks, why? you start explaining yourself like you're on trial at the Supreme Court or something. You're suddenly justifying every last detail, complete with timelines, pros and cons list, the emotional backstory of how you got here. And honestly, half the time, the person didn't even care that much. They were probably just making conversation, but there you are sweating over whether your reasoning makes sense to someone who is not even living your life. So why do we do this? Seriously? Why? It's like we've been programmed to believe we need to get approval from. Everyone, from our neighbor to the cashier at the grocery store. Has anyone ever said, wow, thank you for that lengthy explanation.

[00:02:09] Lori Gouhin: I wasn't going to agree with your decision, but now that you've justified it for five minutes, I'm sold. Yeah, I didn't think so. I think overexplaining can feel like a reflex. You say no to something and before you can stop yourself, you've tacked on a whole paragraph about why you're saying no, complete with all the unnecessary details.

[00:02:30] Lori Gouhin: No, I can't come to the party because I have this thing with my dog and I also need to wake up early tomorrow. Oh, and it's been such a long week when really all that was needed was a simple, no, thank you. End of story. Because explaining doesn't just waste time, it also weighs you down. It's exhausting.

[00:02:49] Lori Gouhin: It's like you're carrying around all these unnecessary justifications everywhere you go. And for what? So someone else can validate what you already know is right for you? And the truth is, the more you explain, the more you start second guessing yourself. And that is no way to build a dream life, reach a goal, or to truly, really feel confident.

[00:03:11] Lori Gouhin: So today We're going to figure out why we feel the need to do it, and most importantly, how to stop. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we feel this intense, almost primal need to explain, justify, and over clarify every decision that we make? It's certainly not because we like to talk a lot. For most people, I think a lot of it has to do with societal expectations.

[00:03:36] Lori Gouhin: How it likes to put everyone in a neat little box from a young age. We're basically trained to believe that if we do something different, something outside the norm, we need a rock solid reason for it. Heaven forbid, just say, I wanted to, or it felt right. No, we need a PowerPoint presentation explaining our thought process, complete with data, charts, a question and answer session afterwards.

[00:04:01] Lori Gouhin: Truly, it's exhausting. And also, let's not forget the messages we get growing up, be polite, don't ruffle any feathers, make sure everyone's comfortable. It's no wonder we feel the need to justify even the smallest decisions. We're practically programmed to prioritize what other people think over what we know to be true for ourselves.

[00:04:24] Lori Gouhin: Let me just apologize to my daughters right now, because I'm sure I instilled a lot of those. Thoughts, when they were little. Sorry. There's also the fear of disapproval, right? And this one's a biggie because in our mind we question that if I say no to this thing, will they think I'm rude? If I choose this path, will people think I'm crazy?

[00:04:45] Lori Gouhin: If I don't go to this party, will they stop inviting me altogether? It's like we're auditioning for a role we don't even want, trying to make everyone else feel okay with our choices, so they don't label us as something like selfish or flaky or difficult. But here's a newsflash, other people's opinions of your life's decisions are not your responsibility.

[00:05:08] Lori Gouhin: Or as my mother in law always said, what other people think of me is none of my business. But I get it, because the fear runs deep. Some people also have what I like to call approval addiction. And yes, I say addiction because validation can really be intoxicating. It feels really good when someone says, Yeah, I totally get why you made that choice.

[00:05:29] Lori Gouhin: Doesn't it? It feels like a little hit of acceptance. But I want you to realize that when you rely on others to validate your choices, you're actually handing over control of your life. You're saying, I can only feel good about this if you're okay with it. And I want to remind you that validation, sure, it's a nice bonus when it happens, but it is absolutely not necessary.

[00:05:54] Lori Gouhin: Most of the time, people we are explaining ourselves to don't even need. Or want an explanation. They're not sitting there with a checklist ready to approve or deny your choices. Half the time, they're thinking about what they're having for dinner, or if they left the stove on, or what they're going to say next.

[00:06:12] Lori Gouhin: Yet there we are, treating their casual questions like, as I said before, like a courtroom interrogation. Again, the bottom line is, That we explain ourselves because we're afraid. Afraid of being judged, misunderstood, or seen as selfish. But let me ask you this. What's the worst that could happen if someone doesn't get it?

[00:06:33] Lori Gouhin: What if they judge you? And this isn't actually just about other people, by the way. Sometimes [00:06:40] we explain ourselves. To ourselves. For example, have you ever talked to yourself out of a perfectly good decision because you overanalyzed it? Should I really quit this job? Should I really start that business?

[00:06:53] Lori Gouhin: What will my neighbor's cousin's dog think? I know I can't be the only one. So let's talk about it. Let's talk about what over explaining is actually costing you. Because I can assure you, it's more than just a few extra minutes of your day. The habit of justifying every decision it's like paying a hidden tax on your confidence and your energy and your progress and no, you're not going to get a refund  every time you go into explanation mode, you're spending your energy, mental and emotional on something that doesn't move you forward.

[00:07:27] Lori Gouhin: Think of it like trying to run a marathon, but you're stopping every mile to explain to the bystanders why you're running. Hello? You're never going to finish that race if you keep stopping to convince people it's worth running in the first place. Every time you explain to yourself, you're sending a little message to your brain.

[00:07:45] Lori Gouhin: Hey, just FYI, my choices aren't good enough to stand on their own. I need to convince other people that they make sense. That's the message. And over time, this habit chips away at your belief and in your ability to make decisions without external validation. And let me tell you, confidence is not built by explaining, it's built by trusting yourself.

[00:08:09] Lori Gouhin: Think about how many minutes or hours or days that you've spent crafting the perfect explanation. Time that you could have spent working on your goals, enjoying your life, or really just sitting on the couch with a snack if you want. Guilt free. But instead, it's like you're running a PR campaign for your life choices.

[00:08:28] Lori Gouhin: And for what? Because again, most of the time, the person you're explaining to doesn't even care that much. They've already moved on. And you're still sitting there drafting chapter two of your explanation. This over explaining can lead to lost opportunities. Because when you're so focused on making everyone understand your current choices, it's like you're stuck looking back.

[00:08:52] Lori Gouhin: Justifying what you've already done instead of looking ahead to what's possible. And think about it. Honestly, explaining isn't really inspiring. No one is going to hear your long justification and think, Oh, wow, now I'm inspired to take action in my own life. No, they're more likely to say, yeah, cool story and move on.

[00:09:13] Lori Gouhin: And from my experience, overexplaining doesn't actually solve the problem that it's trying to solve. You think it's going to make people accept your choices, but honestly, if someone is determined to judge you, they're going to do it no matter how detailed your explanation is. Some people are just committed to misunderstanding you, and that's on them, not you.

[00:09:34] Lori Gouhin: You could give them a TED Talk of your decision making process, and they'd still find a way to be critical. This over explaining robs you of your time, energy, confidence, clarity, and again, for what? To make someone else feel comfortable? To avoid a raised eyebrow? It's just not worth it. The real question is, what could you achieve if you took all that energy you spend explaining yourself and invested it into trusting yourself instead?

[00:10:01] Lori Gouhin: Imagine that for a second. It's pretty powerful. So what actually happens when you stop explaining yourself? I can tell you, the world won't end, despite what your inner people pleaser might be telling you. What happens is actually amazing. you experience freedom to be authentic. When you stop feeling the need to justify your every move, you can finally live in alignment with your true values and desires. Think about it. When you're not constantly editing yourself to fit into someone else's expectations, you get to show up as the real you.

[00:10:34] Lori Gouhin: Unapologetically, no more I chose this because blah, blah, blah, just this is what I'm doing. Period. I think it's refreshing. You will also strengthen your boundaries because when you stop explaining, you stop inviting debate. Think about how many times an explanation has turned into an argument or a debate. No, I can't do that because I'm really busy this weekend. And then the response is can't you move things around? How busy are you really?

[00:11:03] Lori Gouhin: And then now you're stuck defending your calendar to someone who has no business being on your schedule. When you stop explaining, you shut that door. A simple, no, that doesn't work for me, really leaves no room for negotiation. And again, I'm not saying to be rude. You're also going to build your confidence because when you stop justifying yourself, you're really sending a message to your brain that says, I trust my decisions.

[00:11:28] Lori Gouhin: And over time that trust builds and you stop doubting yourself and you start moving forward faster because you're no longer wasting time questioning if you're quote unquote allowed to do what feels right to you. And something else happens to your relationships actually improve. Yes, they really do.

[00:11:47] Lori Gouhin: Because when you stop over explaining, the people who matter, the ones who truly care about you, they start respecting you more. Why? Because they see that you respect yourself. And for the people who can't handle it maybe they don't deserve that front row seat in your life anyway. It's just a thought.

[00:12:06] Lori Gouhin: and also I think that when you stop explaining yourself, you actually inspire others to do the same. And so how do you actually stop explaining yourself without feeling like a total jerk? Let's start with the simplest, not always the easiest, but the simplest thing you can do is to pause. The next time you catch yourself about to dive into an explanation, stop and ask yourself, Do I really need to say this?

[00:12:31] Lori Gouhin: Because nine times out of 10, the answer will be no. For example, if someone asks, why can't you make it to dinner? Your instinct might be to give them a detailed play by play of your schedule for the week, but instead pause and try something as simple as I have other plans or even I just can't make it.

[00:12:50] Lori Gouhin: That's it. You don't owe them a TED talk. You can also replace. The word because with silence. So whenever you catch yourself starting a sentence with because, just stop. It's like a little red flag waving in your brain telling you you're about to justify something unnecessarily. Silence can be incredibly powerful.

[00:13:11] Lori Gouhin: You can also practice setting boundaries without guilt. And this one takes some muscle, but trust me, it's worth it. [00:13:20] Start by using phrases that don't invite further questions. For example, that doesn't work for me. I've made a different choice. No, thank you. Or really even just no. You know what they say.

[00:13:31] Lori Gouhin: No is a complete sentence. None of these will require you to explain. They're very firm and clear and respectful. You don't need to feel guilty for saying them. Because you are allowed to prioritize yourself and you must get comfortable with discomfort because when you first stop explaining yourself, it is going to feel weird.

[00:13:50] Lori Gouhin: You might even feel rude or selfish, but that's just your old habits trying to hang on. So push through it. Remind yourself that other people are not losing sleep over your decisions and you should not either. And the more you practice, the more natural it will. feel, I assure you. And soon enough, you'll wonder why you ever wasted so much time justifying things in the first place.

[00:14:12] Lori Gouhin: Just decide to trust yourself, trust your decisions, trust that you don't need external validation to make the right choices for your life. Trust that your no is enough. The more you trust yourself, the less you'll feel the need to explain. And when self trust becomes second nature. Everything gets easier.

[00:14:32] Lori Gouhin: I promise boundaries, confidence, clarity, all of it. And remember, don't feel like you have to go from. If you're over explaining everything to putting yourself in a vault overnight, just start small, pick one area of your life, maybe it's at work with friends, or even just in text messages and practice giving shorter, more confident responses, because over time you'll notice that you're explaining less in other areas of your life too, I swear it's like a domino effect and so to wrap it up,there is a good chance That you've been giving away your time, energy, and confidence through over explaining.

[00:15:10] Lori Gouhin: And I say, it's time to take it all back. When you stop explaining yourself, you're not just saving mental bandwidth. You're really reclaiming your personal power. You're saying to the world, I trust myself and I don't need your permission to live my life. And that my friends is where. In my opinion, real freedom begins.

[00:15:30] Lori Gouhin: And again, it's not about being dismissive or rude. It's about being intentional. It's about understanding that your choices are valid simply because they're yours. you do not need to justify, defend, or persuade anyone to accept them. When you stop explaining yourself something magical. really does happen. And you create space for the things that truly matter.  You have more energy to focus on your goals, more clarity to make bold decisions, and more confidence to stand firm in your choices.

[00:16:03] Lori Gouhin: And you start living not to be understood, but to be authentic. And from my experience, that's the kind of life that feels lighter, freer, and a whole lot more fun. And so here's your challenge. Just try it. For one day, one week, one conversation, practice saying what you mean without explaining why. See what happens.

[00:16:26] Lori Gouhin: You might be surprised by how quickly things start to shift, not just for you, but for how others interact with you, too. Remember, No one is living your life, you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live it. So take a deep breath, trust yourself and let your choices speak for themselves. And I'll leave you with this. One of the most powerful things you can say isn't in an elaborate explanation. It's simply, this is what I've decided, period.