Ep 71 How to Stop Believing Your Negative Self-Talk

Description:
Why do you question others' criticism but not your own?

In this episode of the ARTwork of YOU Lori explores our powerful and often overlooked habit: how we dismiss external criticism but accept our own negative self-talk without question. Why do we trust our inner critic more than outside opinions, even when both are equally flawed?

Episode Highlights:

• The Double Standard of Criticism: We fact-check external criticism but rarely challenge our own self-judgment.
• Why We Believe Familiar Lies: The brain favors repetition over truth, making long-held negative beliefs feel like facts.
• The Role of Confirmation Bias: How we filter reality to reinforce existing self-perceptions, even when they're inaccurate.
• Breaking the Cycle: Simple mindset shifts and techniques to challenge self-criticism and adopt a more objective, empowering self-view.

If you’ve ever struggled with negative self-talk, this episode is a must-listen. Learn how to shift from self-criticism to self-awareness, allowing you to step into your full potential without the weight of outdated beliefs.

Thank you for sharing your time with me and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because YOU are the ARTwork!!!

Please subscribe and leave a 5 Star Review.

Have a fabulous day!

Learn more and follow along with Lori at:

30 Days of Success Free Journal: https://www.theartworkofyou.com/registration

Website: https://www.TheARTworkofYOU.com

Website: https://www.lorigouhin.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theartworkofyou/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lorigouhin/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/facebook.com/lori.gouhin

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/linkedin.com/lori-gouhin/

Grab your FREE Daily Accountability Journal
https://www.theartworkofyou.com/registration

Transcript

[00:00:30] Hello, my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I want to talk about something that I think that we all do without even realizing it. And it's about criticism, but not just any criticism, but the double standard that we have between external criticism And the way that we can often brush off what someone else says about us when we know it's ridiculous, but then we turn around and believe our own self judgment, even when it's just as absurd.

[00:01:38] Lori Gouhin: And so here's what happened. Recently, someone I sort of know sent me a message, basically accusing me of being critical and inauthentic. And my first reaction was like shock, wow, but within a few seconds, I just laughed because I knew without a doubt that what she was saying was not true.

[00:02:01] Lori Gouhin: And so it didn't release sting and it didn't sit with me because it was so far from reality that I couldn't really take it seriously. I did call my sister in law on full transparency though, and ran up by her. But here's the interesting part. A little while later, I caught myself internally criticizing myself about something completely different.

[00:02:22] Lori Gouhin: And not only did I believe it, but I also let it get to me. And I guess you could say it's a thought I've had before, almost like one of those mental loops. And I caught myself in the moment thinking, Wait a minute. Why do I instantly reject this external criticism when it's not valid? But I let my own self criticism kind of slide right through the door unchecked.

[00:02:45] Lori Gouhin: Why do I believe me more than them even when me is lying? and so today, I want to talk about that and why we dismiss invalid external criticism but so easily hold onto our own negative self talk like it's the gospel truth. Why do we trust our internal judgment even when it's just as flawed as that random person's opinion of us?

[00:03:11] Lori Gouhin: And more importantly, how do we stop doing it, right? So think about it. When someone says something about you that doesn't align with how you see yourself, your brain goes into this fact checking mode. it sorts through your past, your experiences, your core values, your logical reasoning to determine if the statement has any merit.

[00:03:34] Lori Gouhin: And when it doesn't, you just discard it. But when the criticism comes from within, There often appears to be no fact checking, no pushback, no questioning, and we accept it immediately as if just because the thought came from our own mind, it must be true. It's like our brain has this built in bias that treats external criticism, like a courtroom trial, right?

[00:03:59] Lori Gouhin: But the internal criticism is more like an automatic guilty verdict. And I think one of the reasons that this happens is because our brain Treats external and internal criticism differently. External criticism is coming from someone else, right? So it's like foreign information. So our brain naturally evaluates it for accuracy.

[00:04:20] Lori Gouhin: And it asks things like, is this true? Does this person know me well enough to say that? Do I even respect their opinion? It's there's this whole vetting process. But with internal criticism, It's familiar. It's been sitting in our head, unchecked, probably for years. And the brain loves familiarity.

[00:04:41] Lori Gouhin: Familiar thoughts feel true. Not because they are, but because we've heard them before, many times. And again, if we've been repeating that same critical narrative about ourselves for long enough, it doesn't get questioned anymore. It's just the way it is. Here's something you can do to test how flawed this is.

[00:05:00] Lori Gouhin: Take your most common self criticism, maybe the one that plays on repeat in your head, and now imagine a friend saying that exact thing to you, word for word. Would you take it as truth? Would you just accept it? Or would you argue back? Would you say, wow, you're right? Or would you defend yourself?

[00:05:22] Lori Gouhin: I'd say most of the time we would push back if someone said something that we knew wasn't true. We'd see how ridiculous or exaggerated or unfair it is, but when it's our own voice, we just absorb it. That double standard is what keeps so many people stuck in this loop of self doubt and self criticism.

So, If our brain is so good at filtering external criticism, Why does it completely fail us when it comes to our own self judgment? Why do we believe our internal criticism even when it's not valid? And again, it comes down to the idea that we trust thoughts not because they're true, but because they're familiar.

[00:06:05] Lori Gouhin: As I said, if you hear something enough times, you start to believe it. That's just how the brain works. I don't make the rules. It doesn't necessarily care if something is true. It cares if something is consistent. And unfortunately, a lot of our self criticism has been playing on a loop and is consistent.

[00:06:26] Lori Gouhin: And if you've been telling yourself, I'm not good enough, or I always screw things up, or people don't really respect what I do, Your brain isn't fact checking that. It's just logging the repetition. And repeated thoughts, even completely false ones, start to feel like facts over time. And another reason self criticism sticks is because we tend to put more weight on it.

[00:06:50] Lori Gouhin: So for example, if you were criticized in a certain way as a kid, maybe by a parent or a teacher, or even just an offhanded comment that stuck with you, you might be carrying that around still, years and years, decades, sometimes [00:07:10] later. That same narrative. It's like the voice in your head has this false authority because it sounds like something you've heard before.

[00:07:18] Lori Gouhin: Even if the original source was completely wrong, or if the comment is outdated, maybe you were that way at one time, but you are no longer, the brain assumes I've heard this before, so there must be some truth to it. And once we have a belief, whether it's about ourselves, our abilities, or how the world even sees us, we start filtering reality to confirm that belief.

[00:07:43] Lori Gouhin: In other words, it's like a confirmation bias. If you believe you're not good enough, your brain will subconsciously highlight any moment that reinforces that idea and ignore moments that contradict it. If you get 10 compliments and then then one piece of neutral feedback,which one always sticks?

[00:08:03] Lori Gouhin: The neutral one. And sometimes your brain might even twist that neutral comment into a criticism. Not because it's true, but because it aligns with the internal narrative you already have. The mind hates contradictions. So instead of changing the belief, it will change how it interprets reality. And getting back to the external criticism, why is it that external criticism, especially when it's obviously false, is often easy to brush off?

[00:08:32] Lori Gouhin: Why is it that I could immediately dismiss that message accusing me of being inauthentic and a critical person? Yet I believed my own self criticism with absolutely zero resistance until I caught myself. And one big reason is that we instinctively evaluate who the criticism is coming from before we decide whether to take it seriously.

[00:08:56] Lori Gouhin: If someone you don't know well or don't respect says something negative about you, your brain immediately does a credibility check. Does this person know me? Are they in a position to judge me or this situation? And if the answer is no, it's easy to let it roll off. But when the criticism comes from inside our own head, there's no other person to assess.

[00:09:18] Lori Gouhin: There's no separation. It feels like an internal truth rather than an opinion. So we don't challenge it. Not in the same way. And another reason external criticism doesn't always sting, I say, is because on some level we know that other people's opinions don't actually define us. They might impact our relationships or our life in some way, but they don't have control over who we are.

[00:09:47] Lori Gouhin: In self criticism, on the other hand, It feels very personal in a way that external criticism never will. If someone else criticizes me, I can walk away. But if I'm criticizing myself, a voice comes with me. It's not something I can ignore as easily because it's internal. It's in my own brain, my own mind.

[00:10:08] Lori Gouhin: It feels like a part of me, even when it's just a collection of outdated beliefs. And now don't get me wrong, because I do know that obviously, sometimes, we do take external criticism very personally, and we struggle to separate ourselves from it. But I think in those instances, I believe that it's because it, deep down, the external criticism aligns with an existing self belief that we already have.

[00:10:36] Lori Gouhin: It validates something we already fear is true. For example, if somebody criticizes your work and you already believe you're not that talented, that external comment, that'll just reinforce your internal narrative. But on the other hand, if someone criticizes your work and you're completely confident in your abilities, it won't stick.

[00:10:55] Lori Gouhin: It won't really matter. It all comes back to what you already believe about yourself. And that's why self image is such a huge factor in how we process external feedback. And the problem is we rarely stop and ask, wait, is this still relevant? Is this even mine to believe? Here's something I don't think we always realize.

[00:11:18] Lori Gouhin: We think that self criticism is making us better. We assume that if we're hard on ourselves, we'll improve. But most of the time, that's not what happens. Self criticism usually keeps us stuck. It does not inspire growth. It just reinforces the idea that we're not enough. Think about it. If telling yourself, I'm not good enough, actually made you better, wouldn't it have worked out by now?

[00:11:44] Lori Gouhin:  wouldn't you have already? to the point where that thought was no longer necessary, but it doesn't work like that. Negative self talk does not create positive results. It just deepens the belief that you're failing. And then one of the biggest reasons we hold on to false self judgment is because on some level our brain believes they serve a purpose.

The mind loves predictability. It sees any attempt at change, even a positive one, as a potential risk. A belief, if it's been around long enough, the brain will fight to keep it, even if it's completely false. Again, for example, if you're telling yourself, I'm not the type of person who succeeds in business, then staying small and avoiding risks and playing it safe, that will feel more comfortable to you, even though it's actually working against you.

[00:12:41] Lori Gouhin: Again, your mind does not care whether the belief is true. It cares whether it keeps you in familiar territory. So here's a way that you can check if your self criticism is valid. I mentioned the friend thing before, but think of this. Imagine you're paying somebody, a mentor, a coach, or an expert for guidance.

[00:13:00] Lori Gouhin: If they said the same things to you that you're telling yourself, would you accept it as constructive feedback? Or would you be disappointed in someone that you respect? That they're giving you vague, unhelpful, or downright false advice. If you're constantly telling yourself, I'll never figure this out, imagine someone you've hired saying that same thing to you.

[00:13:24] Lori Gouhin: You'll never figure it out. If you would not tolerate it from them, why are you tolerating it from yourself? Real feedback is specific, and it's constructive. And it's actionable. Self criticism, on the other hand, it's usually vague, or it's absolute, and it's very unhelpful. And now, I'm not saying that you have to replace negative self talk with positive affirmations, although that's a good thing, but how about maybe [00:13:50] just a more balanced, objective viewpoint?

[00:13:52] Lori Gouhin: For example, if you're thinking I'm not good at what I do, ask yourself What's factual about this? Do I have factual proof that supports this? Not just feelings, not just assumptions, but real proof. Have people told me this? Have I actually failed at everything and every attempt? Or is this just a fear I've been repeating for years?

[00:14:15] Lori Gouhin: And then ask. What evidence exists that contradicts this thought? Have I received positive feedback? Have I succeeded before? Have I improved over time? Usually, when you break it down like that, you'll see that the negative thought doesn't hold up under scrutiny. And again, one of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming that if we feel something, it must be true.

[00:14:40] Lori Gouhin: But emotions are not facts. Just because you feel, Like a failure, for example, that doesn't mean you are one. And just because you feel like maybe you're behind on something, that doesn't actually mean you are. So what if, instead of just accepting the negative thought, you try responding with a thought like that's an interesting opinion, but I think I'm going to need some proof to take this seriously.

[00:15:08] Lori Gouhin: You can actually decide that from now on, self criticism has to meet a higher standard before you will let it get your attention. And if you take nothing else away from this episode, take this. The next time you catch yourself Being self critical. Ask, who benefits from this? Who benefits from me believing this?

[00:15:31] Lori Gouhin: Because self doubt and self criticism don't serve you. They don't make you better. They don't protect you. And if anything, they keep you from showing up fully in your life. So when you catch yourself in that loop of self criticism, just pause, ask yourself, Would I believe this if someone else said it to me?

[00:15:52] Lori Gouhin: Would I accept this thought if I had to prove it in a courtroom? Who actually benefits from me believing this? Just that small moment of self awareness can really be enough to break the cycle, or at least start breaking the cycle. And remember, Self criticism isn't what makes you better. Self awareness is.

[00:16:16] Lori Gouhin: Real growth does not come from tearing yourself down. It comes from seeing yourself clearly without distortion.  And if you know someone who needs to hear this, please share this episode with them. Because the more we start questioning these internal narratives, the more we can actually show up as the masterpiece we are.