The ARTwork of YOU with Lori Gouhin

Ep 76 The Hidden Consequences of People Pleasing

• Lori Gouhin • Season 2 • Episode 76

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Description:

This episode discusses how people pleasing can have a profound and gradual impact on one's self-worth. It highlights how seemingly minor acts, such as saying yes when you mean no or avoiding the truth to maintain harmony, can systematically erode self-worth over time. These behaviors, while often dismissed as insignificant, accumulate and are noted by the subconscious, ultimately chipping away at one's ability to be authentic. And therefore creating blocks and obstacles for your true self to shine and creativity to flow. 


Episode Highlights:


  • The Dangers of People Pleasing
  • People Pleasing is Blocking Your Creativity
  • The Slow Erosion of Self-Respect
  • The Subconscious Scorekeeper


Tune in now to discover how the hidden habit of people pleasing silently sabotages your self-worth and blocks your authentic, creative self from shining.


Want to dive deeper into breaking free from people-pleasing?

These hand-picked episodes expand the conversation and give you the tools to rise above it:





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Thank you for sharing your time with me and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are because YOU are the ARTwork!!!

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Have a fabulous day!


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[00:00:00] Lori Gouhin: People pleasing is lying. It's lying about what you want. It's lying about what you think. It's lying about what you're capable of. And eventually you lie so much that you can't tell where the real you went. Welcome to the artwork of you, the podcast, where your life is the canvas, and you are the masterpiece.

[00:00:23] Lori Gouhin: I'm your host, Lori Goen, and together we'll explore creativity, self-awareness, mindset, goal, strategy, and the importance of accountability so that you can paint your life's portrait. With confidence and ease. Remember, in the gallery of life, you're not just a spectator, you are the art. So let's grab our brushes and start creating the masterpiece.

[00:00:44] Lori Gouhin: That is you. Hello my friends. I am so glad that you are here with me today because today I wanna talk about what I'd like to call the unseen cost of being liked. And I know that I've talked about people pleasing before [00:01:00] and how it keeps you stuck. How. Feel like you're being kind, when in reality you are abandoning yourself.

[00:01:07] Lori Gouhin: But today, because it came up recently, I guess you could say that I wanna look at it through a bit of a different lens. I wanna talk about what this need to be like is really costing you, not in terms of your time or your energy, or even your relationships for that matter, but in terms of your creativity.

[00:01:30] Lori Gouhin: And your clarity and your ability to set goals. I know people pleasing, it sounds nice, right? It's polite and it often gets praised, but here's what most people won't admit. It's actually a form of manipulation. It is self-protection, all dressed up. As being agreeable. So it's fear really. And I believe strongly, and I've mentioned this many times on the podcast, but I believe that people pleasing is also [00:02:00] lying.

[00:02:00] Lori Gouhin: You're lying to yourself. You're lying to the people around you. And over time you start to believe that lie yourself. And so in this episode, we're going to talk about what that lie does to your brain and what it does to your vision for your life and your ability to create and how it affects who you show up as every day.

[00:02:22] Lori Gouhin: And believe me, I am not here to shame you if you are a people pleaser. I get it because I've been there and I still sometimes find myself there if I'm not careful. So this is not about blame, this is about awareness, and it's really about clarity and choosing something better. So let's start with what's going on in your brain because people pleasing isn't just a bad habit and it's not a personality trait.

[00:02:49] Lori Gouhin: It's actually rooted in something very real, and that is your brain's need to belong because neuroscience has shown that social [00:03:00] rejection actually lights up the same area of your brain as physical pain. What in the world, right? Think about that. Your brain literally treats disapproval like an injury. So of course you wanna be liked.

[00:03:13] Lori Gouhin: Of course, you want to avoid conflict. Your nervous system is trying to protect you. And the problem is this need for safety, this desire to belong, it starts to get hijacked. And so instead of being about connection or community, it really turns into self-censorship. You stop expressing real opinions. You hold back your creative ideas and you play small.

[00:03:40] Lori Gouhin: So no one including yourself. Feels uncomfortable because here's what happens When you people please, you are putting your nervous system in a constant state of scanning for a threat. Is that okay? Will they like me? Is this too much? Am I too much? And you cannot be scanning for [00:04:00] social threat and be in the creative flow at the same time.

[00:04:04] Lori Gouhin: Your brain literally won't allow it. It has to be one or the other. It's either fight or flight or imagination. You cannot create anything meaningful while your brain is performing damage control, and that goes for art. Offers your opinions, your ideas, setting boundaries. Anything that makes you original.

[00:04:27] Lori Gouhin: And so I'd say if you ever wondered why you feel stuck or uninspired, like your ideas don't land or that you don't even know what you want anymore, it might not be a motivation problem. It might be that you've been trying to stay safe instead of being real. And those two paths, they lead to very different destinations.

[00:04:49] Lori Gouhin: And I'd say one of the most overlooked effects of people pleasing is how it completely messes with your ability to set and pursue your own [00:05:00] goals. And what I mean by that is when you are constantly focused on being liked, you're outsourcing your decisions. You don't even realize that it's happening, but suddenly every move that you make is filtered through someone else's comfort level, through someone else's opinion, through someone else's imagined reaction.

[00:05:21] Lori Gouhin: And before you know it, your goals aren't even really yours anymore. There are goals that feel safe, goals that won't ruffle feathers and goals that sound good or look good, or make people comfortable. So you know what? People pleasing testicles. It waters them down. You stop aiming for what excites you, and you start settling for what won't rock the boat.

[00:05:47] Lori Gouhin: And maybe on paper the goal looks fine, but deep down, you know, it's not the thing. It's more like a placeholder. A diluted version of what you want. And this is where that internal kind of [00:06:00] tug, tug of war will start because you're showing up and maybe you're even doing the work, but something about it feels off and it's heavy, and you start wondering, why am I not motivated?

[00:06:12] Lori Gouhin: Well, maybe it's because you're chasing a goal that wasn't even yours to begin with. You cannot build a life that feels good on the inside. If you're constantly choosing goals, that must make you look good on the outside. And something that I ask my clients all the time is, whose goals are you working toward?

[00:06:33] Lori Gouhin: Are they yours or the version of you that's acceptable to others? And I know it can be kind of a confronting question, but I feel like it's one worth asking because if you are saying yes to everyone else's expectations, there's a really good chance. That you've been saying no to yourself for a very long time, and if you are someone who values creativity, whether that shows up in your work or [00:07:00] your business, or if you're an artist or you're in your problem solving, then people pleasing is one of the fastest ways to drain that creativity because in case you didn't realize it, originality requires risk and people pleasers tend to avoid risk at all costs.

[00:07:19] Lori Gouhin: And when you're constantly trying to be liked, you stopped trusting your instincts. You second guess that weird idea you might have, or you dilute the bold opinion that you have. You shelve the thing that you really want to say or create because you're afraid it might be too much. And I say this with love.

[00:07:40] Lori Gouhin: If you are doing that, you are not being creative. You are being compliant. You're creating things in situations that are safe, not things that are true. And the longer that you do that, the more you disconnect from your creative voice altogether. You lose the [00:08:00] edge, you lose the spark, and you stop knowing what's actually yours and what's been filtered through some imaginary audience in your head.

[00:08:10] Lori Gouhin: And you know what's crazy? Most people I work with, they say that they feel stuck, but when we really dig into it, they're not stuck. They're self-censoring. In other words, they're trying to be bold while they're staying agreeable, or they're trying to be seen without taking up too much space. And that's what will kill your momentum and also lead to burnout and make you feel invisible.

[00:08:37] Lori Gouhin: And I know this might sound harsh, but again, the truth is people pleasing is lying. It's lying about what you want. It's lying about what you think. It's lying about what you're capable of. And eventually you lie so much that even you can't tell where the real you went. And so I'd say if your creativity feels blocked [00:09:00] or if your work feels kind of flat, and if your ideas, if they feel like maybe they're missing something, again, maybe it's not that you're uninspired or unmotivated, maybe you are just exhausted from trying to make everyone else comfortable.

[00:09:15] Lori Gouhin: You cannot create something real while pretending to be someone you're not. And one of the sneakiest most damaging things about people pleasing. Is that it doesn't just affect your creativity or your goals, it really chips away at your self respect. And no, it doesn't happen in one big dramatic moment.

[00:09:37] Lori Gouhin: I'd say it's more like a slow leak every time you say yes. When you mean no, every time you smile through something that actually bothered you, every time you shrink your opinion or you sidestep the truth to keep things nice, you tell yourself it's not a big deal, but your subconscious is keeping [00:10:00] score, and over time the message really becomes clear.

[00:10:04] Lori Gouhin: What I want, doesn't matter. What I need isn't important, and as long as other people are okay, then I'll just deal with it. And that inner voice, the one that once had strong opinions or once had strong boundaries or preferences, it gets quieter. And so you've trained yourself to stop listening to yourself and trusting yourself, and then you start doubting your decisions and you question.

[00:10:32] Lori Gouhin: The direction you're going, and then you ask everyone else what they think before you even check in with yourself. And that is not self-respect, that's self neglect. And you cannot build a powerful life or an identity on a foundation of self betrayal. You can't keep abandoning yourself and then wonder why your confidence is low.

[00:10:55] Lori Gouhin: You cannot keep. Making other people's comfort your [00:11:00] priority, and then feel resentful when they don't return the favor. And you know, self-respect. It's not something that you just have. It really is something that you earn moment by moment by showing up for yourself and telling the truth even when it's uncomfortable, and knowing that you'll choose alignment over approval.

[00:11:20] Lori Gouhin: And that you'll be honest, even if it costs you someone's validation, because being liked, it's really often temporary. Ask me how I know that. But being in integrity with yourself, that's something that you want to last forever. All right, so now I wanna give you some tips to help you stay in integrity with yourself, because yeah, awareness is powerful, but it's not the same as change.

[00:11:44] Lori Gouhin: You've got to start choosing yourself on purpose. And that starts with building a tolerance, really for discomfort. Because the truth is you're going to disappoint someone sometimes, so you just have to decide if it's going to be you or if it's going to [00:12:00] be them. And most people pleasers hate that idea.

[00:12:03] Lori Gouhin: They think saying no makes them selfish or setting boundaries makes them mean. But the opposite is true. Saying yes when you don't mean it is not nice. And avoiding conflict isn't kind. That's really, I'd say a performance, right? It's self protection, all dressed up as thoughtfulness. If you really want to stop people pleasing, here's where you need to start.

[00:12:26] Lori Gouhin: Number one, build your tolerance for discomfort. So you can do that by practicing letting someone be mildly disappointed. Just start small. Let someone wait or let someone be slightly annoyed with you. You won't die. I promise. Number two, start telling the truth when I'd say it's like low stake situations.

[00:12:46] Lori Gouhin: If you don't like something, just say it. If you're tired, say so and use honest language and stop apologizing, and this is how you will rebuild your self trust and prove to yourself that your voice does [00:13:00] matter. Number three, reconnect with what you want and ask yourself, what would I choose if no one else had an opinion?

[00:13:08] Lori Gouhin: What would I create or pursue? Or what would I say if I wasn't afraid of being judged for it? Because that'll be your compass. That's the truth. And the more you live from it. The less approval you'll need to borrow from everyone else. And number four, use coaching tools to anchor you. And what I mean by that is this is really where accountability and clarity and aligned goal setting come in.

[00:13:34] Lori Gouhin: You've got to get clear on what matters to you. Not only what's expected or applauded, but what's accepted by you. That's what's real, and you've got to keep checking in with yourself. All along the way, because if you're not consciously choosing your life, I hate to break it to you, but people will assign it to you.

[00:13:56] Lori Gouhin: And that is how resentment builds, and [00:14:00] that's how you wake up one day and you don't even recognize your life or yourself, and that's not what you want. And so to wrap it up, people pleasing is not harmless. It's costly, very costly. And the longer you do it, the more of yourself you trade away. But the good news is you can stop.

[00:14:19] Lori Gouhin: You can start choosing yourself. You can let self-respect matter more than being liked. You can create and you can lead from a place of truth, even if not everyone approves. And the best part, the more honest you are, the more magnetic you become. It's true because authenticity is powerful and it's rare.

[00:14:46] Lori Gouhin: And it's deeply, deeply freeing. That's a wrap for today, my friends. Thank you for sharing your time with me, and remember to show up in your life like the masterpiece you are, because you are the artwork. Please [00:15:00] subscribe and leave a five star review. Have a fabulous day.